An alternate Programme Guide by
The One Hundred and Forty-Eighth Entry in the Charles Daniels
Unauthorized Programme Guide O' Perjury
M I S T R I A L O F A T I M E L O R D
Serial 7B - Sexwarp -
The Valeyard closes his line of evidence from Ravolox and
The Doctor angrily realizes that he will never be able to conclusively
prove that he is not a roast potato.
The court begins to review the next segment of evidence...
The TARDIS materializes on Thoros Beta, which has been recently
featured on the popular television show "Honey, I Ruined The Planet".
Thoros Beta has been re-designed, in a desperate attempt to cash
in on the galactic tourism dollar. However garish pink seas and
repulsive pastel skies have actually devalued the planet by trillions
of universal credits. The Doctor explains to Peri and Sil that
he plans to use his keen insight in decor and design to save the
Thoros Beta and make it beautiful...well,...not so ugly, AGAIN.
Back in the court the Valeyard points out that the Doctor is
currently on trial for the very same crime...appallingly bad fashion.
When the Doctor offers his service to the head of the government,
they take one look at his outfit and throw him in prison.
Sil is pleased to be home however and plans to enhance it's tourism
dollar by nuking his world into oblivion.
"Peri, there are many species - Dustbins, The Cockroach Men of
Dravius XII, The Mutants of the Synthsphere - who are dying for
a holiday in a radioactive pit filled with nuclear waste! Just
100 Z-Bombs could turn this planet into a luxury stop off to countless
highly aggressive, and deeply rich, alien menaces!"
Sil watches as Kiv, the leader of the Mentors of Thoros Beta,
prepares contracts for King Yrcanos of Thordon, who has successfully
run a paint, design, and terraforming service for decades. Yrcanos
has been specially chosen for his keen sense of exterior design,
and his experience re-modelling the planet Calufrax into a summer
Meanwhile the Doctor is taken to be tortured by the highly
experienced Caretakers of Pain. The Doctor begs Sil to use his
influence and power to release him from prison. Sil gleefully
prepares the Electro-Pop-Corn-Static-Death-Insta-Flavour Machine
and the Doctor is marched inside.
Kiv explains that the Pop Corn Machine of Death is actually fatal,
and not just badly named. The Doctor will have no chance of survival
if it is set to the "extra-butter" setting. Sil orders them to
In the courtroom the Doctor's face is filled with a look of
The Doctor convulses under the influx of instant pop corn.
Just then Yrcanos enters the room and goes on a rampage -- apparently
Kiv disagrees about the colours of curtains they should use for the
sky. Smashing the butter deployment mechanism to bits, the Doctor
The Doctor finds he's unable to remember what flavour the pop corn
was, and further more, he can't recall what happened to Peri and Sil!
The Valeyard accuses him of lying and kicks him in the shin before
Yrcanos leads The Doctor and Peri to safety. However the Doctor
decides that since his companion Sil, and Sil's political ally, Kiv
are in control of the planet, he'd rather be on their side, than the
side of a ditzy bimbo and a rather enourmous exterior decorator.
The Doctor turns Yrcanos and Peri over to the authorities.
Sil is suspicious of the Doctor's apparent change of heart, but the
Doctor claims that he has finally seen the light and truth of the
philosophies promoted by Sil. The Doctor explains that he first
took Sil onboard the TARDIS to learn how to be more slimy and
Sil-like. Sil is deeply impressed to know a time lord who doesn't
seem like an impotent fool, and smiles widely at the Doctor's
In the courtroom The Doctor refuses to believe that he embraced
Sil's ways. Indeed, the evidence presented by the Matrix would
have the court believe that he kissed Sil's hand and addressed him
as "The Godfather of Slugs".
The scenes on Thoros Beta continue...
As a reward for his change in lifestyle, Sil allows the Doctor to
torture Peri himself. In a scene which is not at all supporting
or promoting bondage pornography, Peri wears a skimpy and tight
leather bikini as she is chained to a rock, as the warm frothing
tide swells and covers her body, washing her clean. The welts
from the whips, exposed, raised in her supple young flesh....
umm...yeah...wait a minute....okay, back to the programme guide...
While chained to the rock, the Doctor accuses Peri of participating
in a conspiracy to arouse him sexually by being tortured in such
an evocative way. This deeply annoys the Doctor as Peri is fully
aware that he is gay, and such cheap tricks to "cure him" are
insulting and destined to failure.
The Doctor insists that this scene never took place, Peri was wearing
a latex bikini - not a leather one.
He fails to convince the time lords that his memory of that could be
so specific, when apparently he can't recall anything else -- even
the current whereabouts of his companions. The Valeyard smiles
knowingly, and suggests that he might be able to account for the
Doctor's precise memories of his young companion's wardrobe.
The Valeyard turns to the Doctor and asks him point blank if he
ever tried on any of Peri's lingerie.
The Doctor responds with a look of blushing humiliation.
Peri wiggles her wet body out of the chains and frees herself.
The Doctor flees in terror from the young woman, as she follows
in hot, and hateful, pursuit.
When Peri catches up to the Doctor he crawls into a foetal position
and begs Peri to remember that he wasn't always like this -- and
braces himself to be kicked shitless.
The Valeyard thinks differently, but the Doctor states fervently
that, although he can't recall exactly what happened, he's certain
that events didn't unfold as they've seen -- he doubt he'd tremble
in fear before a young, ape descended girl. The Inquisitor asks the
Doctor if that means he would have instead engaged the young lady in
At this point the Doctor, realising he's bumbling his own defence,
asks if he can have a public defender. The Time Lords are happy
to provide the Doctor with the one public defender willing to take
on the case -- The Bastard. The Doctor tells the court he will take
this into consideration, and swears loudly under his breath.
Peri drags the Doctor by the hair back to the HQ of Thoros Beta.
She wants the Doctor to prove himself by confronting Sil once and
for all and killing the bastard.
Sil overhears this and calmly explains to the Doctor that he
can't die yet -- his shares haven't split. This excuse seems good
enough to convince the Doctor, but Peri is still raging and calling
Sil ignores Peri and continues to speak with the Doctor about his
investments. Sil tells the Doctor he was considering buying stock
in a medical supplies company in the Acton Galaxy. The Doctor
advises him to do just that; his third incarnation tried to assist
in a minor diplomatic meeting between two old allies -- the resulting
misunderstanding had led to one of the bloodiest wars of the epoch.
The number of injured and dying is SURE to make the stock a big hit.
The Doctor watches, horrified, as the Valeyard claims that this
is further evidence that the Doctor is a cold, calculating bastard.
The Doctor turns and faces with court with an expression of
The Valeyard admits that he just made that whole part up about
the Galactic Stock Market advice -- but thought it sounded really
cool and damning. The Inquisitor sharply upbraids him for his use
of shock tactics....and the show trial of a time lord continues...
Kiv begins babbling about how he's always wanted to be a woman.
The Doctor and Sil think that Kiv is losing his mind but Sil can
smell a promotion, and possibly a lucrative contract for a Channel 4
documentary, if he and the Doctor could arrange something.
Kiv's personal doctors give him drugs to stabilise his condition
during an important business meeting, but Kiv still repeatedly
mentions that he wants to be snuggly and sexy....before he remembers
that he hates cuddling and intimacy.
Sil and the Doctor work on a B-Movie-style mind transference machine,
which actually does use bright red wires leading into two metal
colanders. Peri is hooked up to the device, and the Doctor explains
to Peri that while the device is functional, he plans to sabotage
it at the crucial moment - killing off Kiv, and thus the financial
backing given to Yrcanos. In the crazed aftermath, he will be
allowed to re-design this planet into any style of his chosing.
Just then the TARDIS materializes before him in a beam of light.
The Doctor, slightly drunk, enters the TARDIS, which is taken
out of time and space and brought to the courtroom of the Time
The Doctor is horrified to learn that he was taken out of time before
he could personally threaten and then save Peri's life.
Inside the laboratory, Kiv recovers in the artist..umm..body...
formerly known as Peri. Reveling in the sensations of a warm-blooded
body, Kiv does something rather unsightly with a coke bottle.
The Doctor rises from his chair, horrified, his face revealing
Book(s)/Other Related -
Doctor Who & The Slug Sex Change
Hustler Magazine - The Sci-Fi Bondage Special Issue (November 1986)
The Hilarious Court Room Transcripts: Doctor Who Vs. Coca-Cola Inc.
The Coke Bottle used is not one of the classy curvy glass ones, but
a newer, cheaper, plastic one.
Links and References -
This serial is a sequel to the third Doctor story when he visits
a hyper-intelligent ficus tree and his best friend, an inflatable
plastic horse, and causes a small mis-understanding which then
balloons into the bloodiest war in the history of the Acton Galaxy.
Ummm...I can't really be bothered to look up what story that was
in...but umm...this is the sequel to that deeply memorable adventure.
Untelevised Misadventures -
Yrcanos knows the Doctor from the tv show "Changing Planes", a
series in which different god-like entities try to bring their
own designer touches to the astral plane. Yrcanos is reportedly
"unimpressed" with the Doctor's work - criticizing both his
illogical re-definement of the laws of physics and his use of track
Groovy DVD Extras -
The infamous Jim'll Fix It episode, in which Gareth Jenkins bursts
into tears of disappointment when he has to save the universe
with the 6th Doctor, and not with Sil as he had hoped.
Dialogue Disasters -
King Yrcanos: Today prudence shall be our watchword. Tomorrow we
shall soak the land in blood!
Kiv: A blood motif! Excellent thinking! So, what colour scheme
will we use to match that to the ocean?
Peri: Are you sure you will be here to stop the swap?
Doctor: Of course Peri! Never doubt it!
Peri: Okay. I hope so. Nobody likes brain alteration.
Dialogue Triumphs -
Doctor: As to the most recent charges put to me...I PROTEST
MY GUILT!!! Oh..wait...maybe...oh! Sorry, it works
the other way! I PROTEST MY INNOCENCE!
Viewer Quotes -
"This story has as much depth as the shallow end of a kiddie pool."
- Terrance Angers (1990)
"Peri In Chains...isn't that a timebase production?"
- Confused guy on IRC (2002)
"I think the whole Peri thing was ripped off of Return of the Jedi.
Princess Leia and the Jabba the Hut thing. And this is one of
those rare instances when I deeply, and passionately, support
plagiarism." - Charles Daniels (2004)
"Not enough midget sex." - Larry Michaels (1999)
(Ed. Note: To be fair, Mr. Michaels has said this on in reference
to every single episode of the series, even those featuring midget
sex, so I just thought I'd quote it here at random.)
Psychotic Nostalgia -
"This story is like a cute and tender puppy.
STOP LAUGHING!! STOP LAUGHING AT ME!!! YOU MUST DIE!! DIE!!
You will all DIE!!!! *cough* Would you like some sponge cake?"
Colin Baker Speaks!
'When you're the star of something, it's difficult to be objective
about it. I read the reviews in the magazines and I thought
"Bah! They just don't get it!" Then the reporters would directly
ask me how I could go on with ruining Doctor Who for a generation
of children, and I thought they were just being petty. Then, poor
old Gareth Jenkins burst into tears when he had to be my companion
and I thought "STUPID BERK!"
I suppose I was naive when I said, before the season had been
completed and in fact before I had seen any actual scripts for
the season as such, that I was confident in the success of the
upcoming adventures. In fact I stated that I was confident in
the future of Doctor Who to dominate and eventually revolutionize
the ratings systems as we knew them. And, of course, I might have
spoken out of turn when I suggested that I might slowly soften the
Doctor up over the next decade or two, as I grew into the role.
I guess I should have seen the writing on the wall when, after
comparing the series to the Prisoner, Patrick McGoohan came over
to my house personally, and punched me repeatedly in the stomach.
But, at the time, I just wrote it off as a difference of opinions."
Rumors & Facts -
JST apparently spent a good portion of 1985 listening to Lola
by The Kinks. Or so Eric Saward assumed when JST approached him
with the demand of a transsexual villain in Doctor Who.
Saward was desperate to convince JST of his own concept to fulfill
this request - a story which would feature The Bastard undergoing
transformation into a new female persona - The Bitch.
Hoping that this would finally kill off the Bastard character
once and for all.
JST however wanted the transsexual character to be some sort
of fish or lizard, because he was fairly confused about how one
would sex a fish anyway, and thus this would lead to the audience
more readily believing in gender confusion. JST also thanked
Saward for reminding him of his much beloved Bastard character,
and insisted that some way be found to shoehorn him into the plot.
It was about this time that the production staff received a memo
from the BBC reminding them to tone down scenes of graphic violence.
JST and Saward had a meeting about how to approach this request
and finally decided that the best approach would be to kill off
a charismatic and sympathetic companion who was universally popular.
Some people use this example to build a case that JST was
deliberately attempting to sabotage the series. Other people insist
that JST was by this point so deep into drug use and anonymous
sex with people dressed as question marks and other illicit
punctuation that he simply was no longer rational. Still others
simply believe the man was a moron.
To discover the truth would take an indepth look at the man,
his history, and those closest to him. The journey to discover
the truth would take me to the heights of fame and the depressing
lows of obscurity -- if that is, I could bother to embark on it.
Instead, I'd prefer to just leave you with your own favourite version
of libelous trash. You get to keep your precious pet theories,
unbothered by actual evidence, and I can skip down to the kitchen
and eat a few Jammie Dodgers before going to bed. It's really better
this way. Good night.