An alternate Programme Guide by Charles Daniels

The One Hundred and Fifty-Fourth Entry in the Charles Daniels
Unauthorized Programme Guide O' Boa - Duvet

Serial 7G - Dragonbreath -

 The most deadly menace the universe has ever known is about to
unleash unending death across all creation -- as soon as he figures
out how to leave his freezer.

 The only beings capable of stopping the chaos of galactic
destruction are an ancient and mysterious time lord, known only as
The Doctor and his pet human being Melanie Bush.

 Inside the TARDIS console room, the scanner shows a world that
appears entirely uninhabited, except for a huge, crystalline complex
completely covering one side of the planet. The Doctor tells Mel that
it is the planet Loggytron, a world of peace and beauty, ruled over
by a race of robotic trees.   Mel quickly glances at the computer
banks and informs the Doctor that it's actually a strip mall called
Iceworld,located on the dark side of the planet Svartos. The Doctor
responds by swearing under his breath, cursing about unstoppable
evil, and vowing never to mix his two hobbies of mead drinking and
astronavigation ever again.

 Mel reads more about the Iceworld from a stolen copy of "The Milkyway
Galaxy: Rough Guide". It is a waystation for space travelers, junkies,
pimps, and people named Paul who can not otherwise fit into society.
She reads aloud the following passage from the guide book -

"Strange omens have been reported; Ghost pirate ships, mysterious
tracking signals, a vortex has recently opened to a dark and
horrifying parallel reality. Many believe it is from here where
the ultimate battle between good and evil will finally be drawn.
Ice World also features an extensive variety of Turkish restaurants."

 To which the Doctor oddly replies "PIDA!!  PIDA FROM THE DAWN OF

 Meanwhile, deep inside the caverns of Ice World, Sabalom Glitz
is taking a long and slow drag off a cigarette while lying in bed
with a waitress.  Glitz smiles at the young, nude woman by his
side, slips her a short kiss and his business card "Glitz -
Professional Space Rogue", and wanders off into the night.

 Sitting in a derelict Sushi bar "The Psychotic Oyster", Glitz
encounters the Doctor and Mel.  Glitz smiles at them, asks for
their help, and secretly rummages through Mel's purse for cash,
all at once without breaking a sweat.

 Glitz explains to the Doctor that he's on the station to deliver
secret documents, shag waitresses, and, if possible, smoke copious
amounts of illegal Sarian dope.

 The Doctor approves of this plan and is disturbed when Glitz
explains there are agents hiding in the shadows trying to stop him
from these simple pursuits.

 When the Doctor asks Glitz if these dark agents might hold any
secret powers over him, Glitz admits that indeed they have --
Glitz, unfortunately, lost his soul in a card game.

 The taint of being soulless due to an insane gambling debt is
serious karma -- but in Glitz's case, no one seems to have noticed.

 Looking over the Sushi bar the Doctor explains that Glitz's only
hope is to douse his attackers in fresh wasabi.

"Will that kill them?"

"No Glitz.  But it will burn, like a son of a bitch."

 And with that advice the Doctor munches on a spring roll and turns
away in disgust.

 In darker places, concealed within a rather large freezer, an evil
mastermind, Kane, laughs maniacally.

 From here we return immediately back to The Psychotic Oyster where
the evil manager, Donald Rutherby, instructs the waitress who was
with Glitz earlier to do as she is told and gut the fish without
complaint. As she leaves to dump drinks onto the customers, she
mutters under her breath that she hopes the dragon gets him.

 Mel overhears this, and the waitress, Ace, sits down at their
table, after dumping ice cold Sake on them, to explain the legend
that there is an enormous dragon living in the ice passages under
the Sushi bar.

 Mel believes that the Doctor must have come to search for the
dragon, as he is stupidly addicted to AD&D.  Ace, tired of working
as a waitress, decides to rummage through Mel's purse and is
annoyed to discover someone has already stolen all the cash.

 Ace politely asks the Doctor if she could help him recover the
dragon and then use it's mystical powers to kill her boss - The
Doctor agrees.

 At the next table, Glitz overhears the conversation and shouts at
the group that the treasure is just a legend, and not to waste time
looking for it. Ace and the Doctor observe that they DIDN'T
ever mention treasure and Glitz slaps himself fiercely in the
forehead realising that he's given the game away for nothing.

 Glitz insists that the treasure simply can not be found, no one
knows where it is located, and it has been lost for thousands of
years.  The Doctor comes back with the following keen observation -

"Glitz, is that a yellowed parchment sticking out of your jacket,
clearly labelled in dried blood 'Ye Olde Treasure Map'?"

 Glitz bashes his head firmly against the table, and admits that
why yes, it is.  However he attempts to dissuade them by pointing
out that he won it in a card game, and therefore it shouldn't be
taken seriously.

 When Ace asks him who he won it from, he reluctantly admits -

"Well, umm...from the dragon actually.  Strange card game."

 The Doctor observes the map and points out that it contains just
enough fantasy cliches to be believable -

"First we pass through the ice garden, then trek through the
forest of singing trees, then we wade through the lake of oblivion,
and from there simply cross the depths of eternal darkness. Et Voila!
The treasure's ours!"

 Glitz agrees that the Doctor and he should adventure to find the
treasure, but insists that the women folk stay behind as they are
too weak, pathetic, and girly to be of any assistance. In a well
executed response to these assertions Ace kicks Glitz deftly in
the groin.

 Donald Rutherby rushes into the melee and fires Ace; she's kicked
one too many customers in the groin for his liking.  Ace, furious,
takes revenge on her manager by pouring a prawn milkshake on his head.
This is actually an act of kindness, because now no one will be
able to drink it.

 Sometime later we join Ace and Mel in Ace's torn up flat - which
contains exactly: one mattress with exposed metal springs, one
bean bag chair held together by duct tape, one badly torn Heavy Metal
comic book poster, and a rucksack filled with explosives.

 When Mel criticizes the mess that is Ace's flat, she is flatly told
to fuck off and is dutifully ignored for the next half hour.  Ace
gathers up her..thing (the rucksack) and is ready to go.

 While walking down a deserted alley Ace explains that she is from
Perivale, but she didn't like it there - chiefly because it sucked.
In fact the only thing Ace has ever liked ever was chemistry, and
that was mainly because she could use it to turn things her favourite
colour -- exploded.

 She was trying a radical experiment with nitroglycerin, gelignite,
and a strawberry pop tart when something went wrong and a time storm
came out of nowhere, and carried her to Iceworld.

 Mel asks if Ace doesn't miss her parents.  When Ace hears the word
"parents" she screams a constant stream of obscenities so strong
that Mel has absolutely no idea what the young lady is talking about.
Mel is only able to gather that the poor dear seems upset about
something, and obviously knows some secret language that expresses
her feelings more clearly.  The gist of her comments seem to be
that she never had parents and doesn't ever want to have them...
but there's so much bleeping over that scene, it's hard to really
put anything together.

  Mel attempts to change the subject by asking her if she ever
considered pursuing A-Levels in Chemistry.  Ace explains that she
was expelled after drinking 28 cans of cider and blowing up the art
room as a creative statement.

  Mel decides to try a new tact entirely, get away from discussions
about family life, education, work, and responsibility and try
somethingents Ace's hair
and asks if she has any hair care advice.  Ace sighs deeply, looks
terribly annoyed at this whiny old ninny, reaches into her rucksack
and hands Mel several old deodorant cans.

 "If you really want a radical hair style, just use these."

 Ace walks away slowly, smiling, hoping that Mel will be stupid
enough to push down on the aerosol.

 In the darkest recesses of an ancient and forgotten refrigeration
device Kane smiles widely and dreams of universal domination.

 The Doctor and Glitz wander into the very heart of the Ice Caverns.
After a few minutes of poking around nothing tries to kill them and
no booby traps are set off.  The Doctor is positively depressed.
He moans repeatedly to Glitz about how this is all too easy.
Glitz thinks the Doctor is looking a gift horse in the mouth
and not appreciating their good luck -- but to appease him he
mentions that SOME of the ice is actually slightly slippery; they
might just be in danger yet.

 None of this is good enough for the Doctor however, and with a
sigh he jumps off an ice cliff and uses his umbrella to hang himself
perilously over an enormous chasm...

 And thus, the most unpopular cliffhanger of Doctor Who history
is realised.

Part Two

 Ace and Mel are being attacked by a dragon with gigantic laser guns
in each hand and wearing a New York Yankee's baseball cap on it's
head -- Ace deduces that it isn't a real dragon.

 Glitz calmly walks up to the cliff face to offer the Doctor a
pork scratching.  When the Doctor points out that he's about to
fall to his doom, Glitz nonchalantly agrees to help him.

 Through a small screen Kane watches Glitz and the Doctor work
together -- but he has to move countless bags of frozen peas out
of the way first, so he misses vital dialogue which explains
the Doctor's and Glitz's plans fully.

 The Doctor and Glitz arrive at a vast cavern which contains
Glitz's old ship, the Nosferatu.  As the Nosferatu is the most
powerful and advanced piece of technology currently on Ice World
and also is the means by which Kane hopes to eventually power
his own release from the Beko Turkish freezer he currently calls
home, he has thoughtfully posted one guard and armed him with a
large dessert spoon.

 The Doctor strolls up and attempts to engage the guard in a
discussion about the nature of existence. The guard proves
surprisingly interested in the topic, and confesses that he
often bores the other guards in the complex with ramblings about
Nietzsche and Kierkegaard.

 Glitz slips by completely unnoticed as the Doctor and the guard
heartily agree on the complete, utter hopelessness of the
conversation they are having, and how much they are thoroughly
enjoying it.

 His task done, the Doctor attempts to retreat, but the guard
backs him against the wall, insisting that the Doctor elaborate
on his unique perspectives concerning subjective truth.

 Then, surprisingly, a heavily armed Honore de Balzac arrives in
the cockpit of the Nosferatu and declares that the ship is his.
Glitz complains that Balzac has been dead since 1850, but he will
hear none of it.  While he rants, Glitz spins behind him, wrenching
away the gun and turning it on Balzac, who boldly challenges Glitz
to kill him.

 Just then the Doctor enters the cockpit of the Nosferatu, stands in
stunned silence and carries out a simple reality check -

"Glitz...is that Balzac?"

"Seems so Doctor."

"Dead isn't he?"

"Since 1850."


 We cut to see Kane looking at a completed self-portrait ice
sculpture.  Kane admires his own excellent work, but then feels
anguish that no one can ever see the results of his work -- it's
obscured by all the frozen fish.

 The Doctor and Glitz sucker punch Balzac and run like hell.  Now
back in the deep and mysterious ice caverns they resume their search
for the legendary dragon.  It isn't long before the laser gun
wielding, NY Yankee's cap wearing beast is upon them; and at last
now that the creature is within their grasp, they scream and run away.
The two men cower in a corner and begin to sob openly.  The dragon
observes their behaviour closely, and then seems embarrassed for
them and wanders off.

 Glitz wants to know why the dragon didn't kill them, and the Doctor
suggests that it probably couldn't be arsed.

 Mel and Ace are resting on some random stairs, and Ace pulls a
nuclear thermos of coffee out of her bag. As she pours for them, she
tells Mel that after she was kicked out of school, she began to
worship Satan and work as a waitress.  She complains that on the
whole the waitressing and the satan-devotion were boring and tedious,
except for the goat magic.

 Ace has always felt that her life was wrong, and that she was
supposed to be somewhere else, killing someone else.  She fantasized
about being able to escape into the stars, to her real family. Then
she actually managed to escape and come to Iceworld. But here she
just wound up working as a waitress again, and now she couldn't even
find candles, so the whole Satan thing was blown for awhile -- at
least until she found some moron willing to give her a lift in a
passing space ship, which hasn't happened yet.

 Kane looks at the statue of himself and vows that one day he will
get an ice pick and defrost the refrigeration unit so that at least
the frozen carrots will be able to enjoy the visage of his glory.

 The Doctor and Glitz are finally reunited with Mel and Ace. Ace and
Glitz begin to argue, but the Doctor interrupts them. The Doctor
tells them that the dragon is not really a dragon, but some crazy ass
New York Yankees fan with a bad dragon costume and a few laser guns.

 The quartet set out in search of the dragon once more, but are cut
off by Balzac, who has caught up with them at last.  Balzac leads
them directly into the lair of dragon.  The dragon stares them down
with his glowing red eyes and laser guns of death.  With our heroes
firmly in his sights the dragon explains that his name is Terrance
and he was originally from New Jersey, before moving to Manhattan
in the late 70s -- oh yeah and then being turned into a freakish
dragon sometime in the summer of '83 and being brought to Ice World
to guard the secret powers of the universe.

 Terrance, the dragon, uses a variety of holographic images to
show a recording of a criminal case history for the notorious
criminal mastermind Kane. Because of his evil nature, Kane has
been permanently exiled from his homeworld of Proammon. They
selected Svartos for his exile because its permanently frozen dark
side would permit him to survive.   Then they found Terrance at
a Yankee's game and turned him into a dragon and living key for
the freezer in which Kane was trapped.  And then just to make
things REALLY interesting, they set Terrance down on the same
planet as Kane, about a 10 minute walk away from his place of
imprisonment.  Apparently the people of Proammon thought it would
be amazingly cool if Kane escaped and terrorised the galaxy again.

 The only problems preventing this being Kane's complete inability
to leave the Beko Turkish freezer in which he was imprisoned, and
the equally surreal and pointless presence of 19th century author
Honore de Balzac.

 Unbeknowst to all parties, Kane is listening in through a shortwave
radio he snuck into the refrigerator with him and he declares that
after three thousand years, the time to defrost has come.

Part Three

 Mel suggests to an incredulous Ace that they leave the life and
death adventure stuff to the boys while they nip to a quiet place
and play Scrabble.

 Before Ace can tell Mel off for putting women's lib back 15
centuries, the Doctor has once again become lost in the Ice tunnels.

 Ace is becoming increasingly bored. She realizes that she has run
out of nitro-9, and the odds of convincing Mel to watch zombie
killfest holomovies with her are remote at best.  Ace swallows her
pride and begins a half-hearted game of "I Spy" with Mel.

 The Doctor returns to Mel and Ace and explains that they will
have to kill Kane if they wish to free Terrance the dragon from
his terrible curse.

 The Doctor thinks long and hard and develops an argument that is
logically, philosophically, morally, and aesthetically pleasing.
He hopes to talk Kane to death -- literally.

 Ace isn't convinced that someone can be debated to death and pulls
out copious amounts of nitro-9 cannisters as back up.

 Everyone takes a collective deep breath and proceeds to Kane's
command centre for the final confrontation.

 As they walk through the endless corridors the Doctor rehearses
his speech repeatedly, in hushed reverent tones to himself, as Ace
checks and re-checks the triggers of her nitro-9 bombs.

 Kane hears them approaching through his short wave radio and
declares that his vengeance is at hand. He will gather new mercenaries
and retake his home planet.

 The Doctor finally reaches the Beko Turkish Refrigerator, takes
a singular intake of oxygen, and carefully opens the door.

 The ambient temperature of the surrounding room kills Kane

 The Doctor, Ace, Mel, Glitz, and Terrance all feel a horrific
anti-climax and are too bummed to talk for three hours.
Over a last plate of sushi at the Psychotic Oyster, Mel holds the
Doctor's hand and explains that things just aren't working out
for her.

 Mel explains that over the course of their adventures together
she tried to fix him - make him get a job, make him get his act
together, convince him to go to nice warm, romantic, family-friendly
locations like Disneyland, but she has realised that she can't live
a life with a man who hunts for dragons, gets easily distracted by
passing guards with an interest in existentialism, and occasionally
kills alien menaces with sonic goat armies or just by opening a
freezer door at a convenient moment.

 The Doctor is slightly shocked to discover he's been going out with
Mel all this time and even MORE shocked that he is getting dumped in
a sushi restaurant in deep space.

 Mel is surprised by the Doctor's intense reaction, first grumpily
refusing to talk to her, then growing melancholy and depressed,
and finally dressing up as a giant potato.

 After some further awkward moments paying for the bill, Mel
approaches Glitz and asks for a ride...apparently under the severe
delusion that she can fix him and make him a respectable husband
one day!  As they walk away into the spaceport of life together,
Mel whispers to the Doctor that Ace has nowhere to go.

 As Ace prepares to follow the others out, the Doctor pulls her
aside. He asks her if she would rather not spend the next three
months on a cramped spaceship with Glitz and Mel fighting constantly
until Glitz finally loses it, opens the airlock, and shoves Mel
screaming into space.

 Ace enthusiastically agrees and decides to take the scenic route
home with the Doctor.

Book(s)/Other Related -
Doctor Who & The Quest For the Frozen Dragon Named Terrance

ACE! Or, Lots of Pictures of Sophie Aldred In Leather!

Doctor Who Versus the Space Monkeys (Brazil Only)

Links and References -
The Doctor repeatedly says that he wishes he had the time to
go back to the TARDIS and retrieve his sonic goat army.
So, is this some surreal replacement for the sonic screw driver?
"Locked behind a dungeon door?!  HA!  Luckily they've imprisoned
my goats alongside me!"

Untelevised Misadventures -
If Ace is to be believed, she has blown up half of central London
and invented a new kind of explosive tuna sandwich.

Groovy DVD Extras -
A brand new 5.1 surround sound re-mix of audio based off of heavily
fragmented and badly sampled MIDI files from the late 1980s!

Dialogue Disasters -


(Looking through Ace's rucksack)

Doctor: I think you'll find that most educated people
        regard mythical convictions as fundamentally animistic...

   Ace: Sure. Don't touch that silver can or it will blow your
        fucking hand off mate.

Doctor: Yes!  Interesting theological point!


Doctor: How would you reconcile the empirio-critical
        belief that experience is at the root of all phenomena?

   Ace: Kick it in the nuts and run like hell?


Ace: (sighs) Alright.  Okay.  I spy with my little eye something
     beginning with V.

Mel: Vase!

Ace: No.

Mel: (Looking) Violin!

Ace: NO!  VICTIMS!  V IS ALWAYS FOR VICTIMS!!!  Honestly, how
     stupid are you?


Dialogue Triumphs -


Ace: Do you ever feel like teasing your hair with a can of
     deodorant that registers nine on the Richter scale?
     (Looks at Mel's hair)
     Stupid question.


Doctor: Excuse me, what's your attitude towards the nature of
        existence? For example, do you hold any strong opinions
        about men in question mark jumpers?

Doctor: I think you'll find that a choice can be philosophically
        valid even if theologically meaningless.

   Ace: Whatever weirdo, I just asked if you wanted some
        Cheese 'n Onion crisps!


   Mel: Oh all right, you win.

Doctor: I do? I usually do.

   Mel: I'm going now.

Doctor: That's right, yes, you're going. You've gone for ages,
        you've already gone, you're still here, just arrived,
        haven't even met you yet. It all depends on who you are
        and how you look at it...so how long have we been a couple


   Ace: So what should I call you?

Doctor: Doctor.  As in, The Doctor.

   Ace: No, no.  That feels wrong.  Feels, creepy, somehow.
        Mind if I call you something else?  Something similar?
        Like, hey, how about I call you The Professor.

Doctor: Names are very powerful forces Ace.  If you were to
        call me by another name my essence, my inner-harmonies
        would alter. Order would fall to chaos. Life would become
        endless death. Day would be night, and all the seals of
        armageddon would lay broken before the world in a tearful
        torment of remorse and terror.

   Ace: Alright, Professor it is.


Viewer Quotes -

"By the standards of season 24, this story wasn't shit."
          - Blunt Review Monthly, January 1988

"People criticise Kane for not being a stronger villain.
But dude, honestly, if you lived in a freezer for 3,000 years
you'd be pretty messed in the head too."
          - Relaxed Dude Yearly, (Never published)

'Ace just goes around screaming "Mega!", "Brill!", "Ace!",
"Wicked", "Liquoriffic!", and it sorta made me want to hit
her repeatedly with a baseball bat; but then, I hate people."
          - Mean Guy Daily (January 27th, 1994)

"Girls with bombs.  This is what sex should be all about - DANGER!"
              - Father James O'Maley (1988)

Sylvester McCoy Speaks!

"Working with Sophie was a dream.  She threatened me on the
first day and from then on I always knew who the boss was.
I love actresses who threaten to gut you alive if you interfere
with their close-ups.  Shows character, shows gusto.  Being terrified
is immensely valuable to an actor."

Rumors & Facts -

 In early 1987, no idea was too weird or stupid to get seriously
considered for an adventure of Doctor Who.

 It is very telling that the story of a New York Yankees fan
turned into a dragon guarding a villain trapped forever in a
turkish freezer as Balzac wanders around for no explained reason
was honestly considered "The serious" script for the season.

 Another script being developed at the time was entitled Absolute
Zero, about a fourteen year-old financial genius and his sidekick,
Mr Spewey, who seek a treasure -- revealed to be a living creature
-- in the depths of an ice planet.

 I thank god that Absolute Zero had to be cancelled after it was
decided to be too thematically similar to Dragonbreath...umm...
in fact, it was decided to be a direct plagiarism, with only
the words "Glitz" crossed out and replaced with the word "Spewey".

 Cartmel was happy with the core of ideas in the stories but
disliked characters named Spewey, so this also played in the
favour of good taste.

 Meanwhile, Bonnie Langford's agent advised her to get the hell
away from Doctor Who if she ever wanted another acting job in
her life.  Bonnie followed the advice of her agent and informed
JST of her immediate and hasty departure from the series.

 JST and Cartmel put together an outline for a new female companion,
named Alf Throathurdle, to possibly replace Mel. Alf was a tough,
street smart Eighties teenager who was whisked away from Earth to a
distant galaxy by a drunken time-taxi driver named Louis.
The running gag for Alf was to be "And to think I only asked him to
take me to King's Cross St. Pancras!"

 JST and Cartmel spent months seeking out the perfect professional
to play the spunky teen girl, and finally settled on someone who
had been dying to get their foot into Doctor Who for years.

 It was with much fanfare and to much public surprise that the
production office announced that the Doctor's new teen girl
assistant, by now called Ace, was to be played by veteran actor
Terry Jones.

 Terry Jones immediately subsumed himself into the role, even going
so far as to dress in typical 80s schoolgirl attire and attempt to
enroll in several girls schools in the London area --

 However Jones' intentions were completely misunderstood by the
police and after a lengthy explanation JST was able to secure
Jones' release and assure that all investigations were dropped.

 Terry Jones shot several test scenes as Ace with Sylvester McCoy
and had even begun filming on Dragonbreath when the news came down
from on high.

 The drama department and the head of BBC entertainment were deeply
concerned.  Simply put, they didn't think Terry Jones was an
appropriate casting decision for teen girl Ace.  Their objections
were simply stated -

 "We simply do not believe the time is right for a Welsh companion."

 Terry Jones was denied a once in a lifetime opportunity to
portray the spunky hero girl Ace, due to the horrible tides of

 "We don't want our children think this sort of thing is normal!"
Proclaimed protesters.

 Welsh rights were severely set back by this terrible blow.

 Sophie Aldred was quickly found and used as an emergency replacement
for the role.