Rememberin' To Take Out The Dustbins

The One Hundred and Fifty-Fourth Entry in the Charles Daniels
Unauthorized Programme Guide O' Manual Overdrive
Cool Nod to Bernie Fishnotes who suggested this title when I had it
on a shortlist of 3 possibles! Great minds, y'know?


Serial 7H - Rememberin' To Take Out The Dustbins - 

  Somewhere in deep space an alien menace is desperately trying to
record episodes of Dad's Army which will be senselessly lost in the
ravages of time.
 

Part One

 The Doctor and Ace are having a relaxing weekend in the TARDIS.
The Doctor has a short talk with Ace about the nature of history and
human perception, between sips of authentic Victorian lemonade.
During this idle chat, in which the Doctor blathers as Ace mixes
up explosive chemicals, the Doctor's mood turns dark and somber.

 The Doctor explains to Ace that the moment has finally come to
confront the ultimate evil at the end of time.  The Doctor explains
to Ace that she will not be able to face the horrors alone, and
so he opens up a secret panel in the TARDIS control console.  A fine
dust floats through the air and something trundles out from the
tangled maze of wire.  Ace is deeply unimpressed -

"Oh no! Not a goddamn robot dog!"

 The Doctor explains that until he says otherwise, Ace is to be
protected by the constant and vigilant presence of K9.  When Ace
screams, whines, and explains her fear that the alien baddies will
laugh at her and not take her seriously, the Doctor gives Ace an
electrified baseball bat to shut her up.  


 The Doctor and Ace approach Coal Hill School, observed by a curious
young girl. The Doctor assumes that the girl's attention has been
drawn by Ace's anachronistic ghetto blaster and the rather silly
plastic vaguely-dog-looking-thing following them at 1 mile an hour.

 The Doctor tells Ace that they can not wait another second.  Every
instant is bringing the universe closer to eternal chaos and entropy;
Ace orders a ploughman's lunch at The Goat and Compass.
  
 After finishing her lunch Ace discovers that all her money is either
extra-terrestrial or from hopeless alternative realities.

"I can give you 12 Znorkians Znorks, or a pound coin with..ummm...
Empress Matilda IV on it." 

 Ace meets a young man, Mike, who is intrigued by her tits,
but swears he's interested in philosophy. After a few rounds of lager
Ace is warming up to Mike, but she can't get K9 to bugger off.
Ace isn't sure how to explain away a computerized dog in 1963 London,
but is annoyed that she doesn't even get the chance; a man in a
strange uniform rushes into the pub, calls Mike "Sergeant" and tells
him that the boys have run into trouble at Totter's Lane. 

 Ace and K9 accompany Mike, and there they meet up with the Doctor
who has just arrived as well.  Ace is surprised to find herself
in a junkyard surrounded by soldiers, but is stunned by an exchange
between the Doctor and the military personnel.

"Yes, Ace!  Good to see you finally made it!  There seems to be
a spot of global invasion going on at just the moment, still, UNIT
should be on the case.  OH WAIT!! No...on second thought..."

"UNIT is definitely on top!  Always!" Yelled a man with a moustache
that Ace was certain looked rather like a dead caterpillar, waiting
to fall off his face.

"Brigadier!!  Or should I say Lethbridge-Stewart!  YES!  I must
have you at a distinct disadvantage."

"What are you talking about?  I know EXACTLY who you are."

"You do?  But how?"

"A strange, dark fellow in the mist of all this misery and chaos?
How could I fail to recognise you?  BENTON!!  Looks like Mister
Magister was behind this the whole time.  I should have known.
Take him out behind the shed and blow his brains out, will you dear
chap?  And make it discreet!  No paper work."

"Yes, sir."

"BUT WAIT!!!!"

"Oh I'm just pulling your leg Doctor.  I've known you so long, I
don't care what face you wear.  As long as you don't kiss my men."


 The Doctor and the Brigadier then calmly and rationally discuss
the situation.  Somebody or something killed a young soldier named
Matthews, and then it opened fire on the group again, killing
another soldier trying to remove Matthews' body, and then it opened
fire a third time, killing some guy who just happened by the scene
whilst eating a Flake. 

 The Brigadier is clear on the issue at hand - "Something needs
some killin'."

 The Doctor advises the Brigadier to retreat, but he refuses to do
so and orders his men to fire three high-explosive rocket grenades
towards the Doctor for even suggesting such a thing.

 The Doctor, awkwardly, survives.  He then suggests to the Brigadier
that three high-explosive rocket grenades shot at the same time at
the same target might be just enough to take down the target.  This
only deeply annoys the Brigadier as they stupidly used up their last
and only three such weapons to show off in front of the Doctor.

 The Doctor asks the Brigadier what the strategy of the opponent is,
hoping that it will give him insight to the menace responsible.

 "Damned clever this menace.  His basic strategy, so far, is to hide
in a shed and kill people."

 "Which shed?"

 "That tool shed at the far end of the junkyard...surrounded by all
the dead bodies."

 "Oh, yes.  Of course."

 "Pretty effective strategy so far, wouldn't you say?"


 The Doctor quickly enters the kill zone and offers the menace a
spot of tea.  The hostile immediately moves out of the shelter of
the shed to reveal that it's a grey Dustbin. The Doctor uses Ace's
nitro-9 to destroy it, and then steals the Brigadier's van.

 The Doctor drives the van at break neck speed as Ace and K-9 are
thrown about in the back like rag dolls.  The Doctor explains to
the duo that the Dustbins have come to Earth for something called
the Handjob of Omega. 

 The Brigadier arranges for the Dustbin to be placed under guard,
and with deep embarrassment calls the local police to report his
van stolen.

 In order to save face the Brigadier decides to send a truck with
anti-tank rockets to Coal Hill School when he learns the Doctor has
been seen in that area. 

 The Doctor, Ace, and K9 return to the school, where the Doctor
finds it oddly easy to convince the Headmaster that there's evil at
work there (then he remembers this is the school Susan used to 
attend). 
 
 The Doctor explains to Ace, K9, and an oddly calm headmaster, that
the Dustbins have been chasing him and seeking the Handjob of Omega,
something he enjoyed thoroughly the last time he was here. Something
very dangerous...

 Unaware that the Headmaster is secretly serving the demon Asmodeus
the Doctor draws a map, gives a precise address, and personally
offers to drive them all directly to the place where one can
experience the full glory of the Handjob of Omega.

 Things get a bit dodgy. When on the way to the car park, the Doctor
discovers an alien transmat device which is currently teleporting
an army of cream-and-gold Dustbins.

 Being clever, the Doctor runs up the first flight of stairs he
can find, effectively screwing K-9 to a harsh and painful death,
but to his shock and horror - THESE DUSTBINS CAN FLOAT!
 

Part Two

 Ace overpowers the Headmaster, kicks the Dustbins and smashes them
into tiny pieces with her baseball bat, thus rescuing the Doctor. K9
uses his nose laser, which mildly distracts a Dustbin before Ace
knocks it's eye socket off.

 Just then the Brigadier crashes a truck through the walls of the
school and positions his anti-tank rockets at the Doctor, demanding
the return of his van.

 The Doctor, who's beginning to wish he'd hid his sexual aides
somewhere more remote than...say...LONDON!, warns the Brigadier that
there are two hostile Dustbins factions present on Earth and advises
him to evacuate the area.

 When the Brigadier asks what the Doctor means exactly by "the
area" he replies -

"Think you could get to Alpha Centauri?"

 The Brigadier is annoyed, how can the Doctor make light of a
situation on this apocalyptic of a scale?  The Doctor says he
will explain everything; over a cream tea at the Elephant and
Automobile.

 Ace spends the night in a burnt out car somewhere on the banks of
the river Thames, using K9's nose laser to toast marshmallows.
The Doctor meanwhile gets totally smashed on Peppermint Schnapps
and shares with the Brigadier, the bartender, and a passing drifter
with an ear infection, the weight of the decision he has to make. 

 As dawn breaks, the Doctor visits a nearby undertaker's and tells
them that they are going to need to work serious overtime very soon.
The Doctor also takes this opportunity to collect the very newest
and fashionable in a line of hover caskets, which hum with power
and play muzak at deeply annoying sound levels (i.e., audible).

 The Brigadier has arranged for an evacuation of the area and a
cover story has been prepared for the press -

"Oh I don't care.  Just say space aliens have invaded again.  No
one believes that any more.  They think we're just getting drunk
and shooting up town."

 The Brigadier is annoyed at the collective sigh of disappointment
from his men, who were undoubtedly under the impression that they
were indeed actually being treated to a "shoot up London boozefest".

 Ace leaves the burnt out shell of the automobile and wanders into
the wrecked remains of the Coal Hill School science lab.  She finds
her ghetto blaster, which was left behind in the confusion, but when
she turns it on it picks up repetitive Dustbin transmissions and she
discovers that Phase One of total Earth Domination is the conquest
of Coal Hill School!

  
Part Three

 The Doctor faces a lone group of Dustbins, he "compliments" them for
tidying up the flithiest, most disgusting rubbish tip he could
possibly find in all of London.

"This is definitely your.."handi"-work.  I can tell by the sparkle!"
The Doctor wrinkled his face as he thoughtlessly approached within
150 feet of the rubbish tip, smelled the black slime, and started
to pass out.

 The Dustbins are not only appalled to the core by the state of the
rubbish tip, but are insulted to a surreal extreme as they think
the Doctor honestly believes that they've tried to clean it.  The
military uses this precise moment to destroy the dazed and confused
Dustbins.

 "Men!  We've got the re-take this school, if the earth has any 
chance to survive!"

 While the Brigadier and his men set off to capture the school, the
Doctor studies the shattered remains of the Dustbins and is mopped
by one which isn't quite dead.

 The Doctor sits on the pavement and looks forward, starring into
space, his mind numbed by endless horror.  Ace and K9 approach the
Doctor and ask him what is wrong.

"The end of all time.  The presence of you, K9, your ghetto blaster,
the Dustbins, and, not to mention UNIT.  All wounds, all death knells
to time itself.  Your mere presence here means the destruction, the
great undoing of all things."

"Thanks there Professor.  You really know how to cheer a girl up."

"The world is doomed.  There is only death now.  Would you like 
a milkshake?"

 Over a strawberry milkshake the Doctor explains to Ace and K9 that
the events of today will cause the microchip revolution to happen
too early.  Even the Dustbins, who are capable of destroying this
entire planet, and then polishing every mote of remaining dust into
a gleaming sparkle of cleanliness, would think twice before changing
history to that extent...and yet he just rushed in and did it without
any compunction, like a crazed god of time in a panama hat.

 Meanwhile, forces within UNIT are working to secure the Handjob
of Omega for themselves.  They have deduced that the Doctor buried
the secret artifact in the strange casket he acquired at the
undertaker's.  Seemingly unaware of this development, the Doctor
meets with the Brigadier and tells him to fortify the school and
prepare for an all out spring clean by the Dustbins, but admits to
Ace that this is a deception; the main tidying will be taking place
elsewhere, and he just wants to keep the Brigadier out of the way...
oh yes, and he'd like to steal his van again while he's busy waiting
for an attack that will never come.

 Backed against a wall by Ace, the Doctor finally explains that the
Handjob of Omega is a sexual manipulator which the legendary Time
Lord Omigod used to provide the power for the Time Lords' initial
time travel experiments -

"The very first time travel experiments were based on potent sexual
energy.  They didn't work of course, but they were really fun to
drive!  
Ummm...or so our dark, ancient, and mysterious history claims.
But I definitely wasn't there and I DIDN'T beta-test the grip
functionality!"

 The Dustbins want that power -- they haven't had a date since the
war with the rasta robots.  What disgusts Ace is that the Doctor
wants them to have it. 

 "I'm thinking they might just, you know, relax a little."

 Unfortunately the Doctor's plans have gone awry; he wasn't expecting
two opposing Dustbin factions to begin fighting over it, and now he
must untangle this freaky love/sex triangle to ensure that the right
Dustbins get the Handjob without slaughtering humans in the crossfire.

 The Doctor takes Ace into the war room nerve centre of Dustbin
operations.  When Ace asks him if doing that was a little bit too
easy he calmly explains "Well, I have the key."

 There, the Doctor disables a primitive sex-time controller while
explaining to Ace that the "bondage chair" is a temporal navigation
computer in which a human's imagination and creativity can be tapped
to replace the fantasies and lusts the Dustbins have lost.

 "It's a completely remarkable technology.  Barring the fact that
there's no actual time travel of any description, of course."

 "Professor. How do you know so much about all this weird sex
technology?"

 "What's that!?  What did you say K9?  Fascinating."

 "I did not vocalize my disgust, master."

 "Of course not.  Good dog!"

 Just then, vague love interest Mike enters the room and
explains that the school has been fortified to a level that he
would personally describe as "scary".

 Mike asks the Doctor why they don't hook up Ace to the chair and
see what happens -- and realizes too late that he wasn't supposed
to know about that. Ace is furious when she realizes he's betrayed
them...and probably pictured her naked. 

 Mike holds out an alien blaster and openly swears his allegiance
"to the clean, pure robotic Hitlers of the space age!"

 When the Doctor finally realises Mike is talking about the Dustbins
he's forced to admit that the man is a moron. 
 
 
Part Four

 Mike tries to justify himself to Ace, saying that he just wanted
to ensure that the Dustbins cleaned Britain of all impurities, such
as those who didn't vote Nazi in the general elections; he doesn't
understand why Ace is so disgusted with him. 

 The Doctor assures Ace that the Dustbins are at this moment a
weak and fractured race, with no ability to think creatively or
innovate improvements on their centuries outdated design.
The second these words leave his mouth, the Emperor Dustbin calls
in a Special Weapons Dustbins which is basically a single powerful
Dyson washing machine with an attitude.

 Using the Doctor's supreme embarrassment to his advantage, Mike
steals the primitive time controller (which I really should point
out looks like..okay, actually IS a plasma globe which looked
super futuristic for about three months in 1987, but you can now
get free at Walmart with any purchase of Halloween candy greater
than 5 dollars).

 The Doctor and Ace have no choice but to discuss some of the
actual details of the invasion with the military.  Ace explains
to UNIT that the Dustbins they've seen are engaged in a war over
cheap sexual thrills, "It's some kind of kinky blob thing, I think.
But you'd have to ask the Professor to be sure.  He sort of wrote
the book on that stuff."

 The Doctor sees a pitched battle in the streets of London and
witnesses the Imperial Dustbins grasp for the Handjob of Omega,
destroying all renegades but the Black Dustbin, who retreats back
into the shed. 

 The Doctor waits for the Dustbin shuttlecraft to return to the
mothership and then contacts it on a 35mm camera with the glowing
fibre optic cables placed roughly nearby.  The Doctor demands to
speak with the Emperor. The Emperor is now revealed to be Lavros,
a mutant obsessed with his own digestion.  Lavros gloats over his
victory; soon he will transform Fargo's sun into a source of
unimaginable power and the Dustbins will either achieve true mastery
of Time or will just have a bitchin' orgy - either way, he's happy. 

 The Doctor provokes Lavros into starting the Handjob, which is
unbearably unsightly, but somehow explodes Fargo's sun in a giant,
sploogie mess.

 The visual link goes to static and Ace asks if that means that
Lavros and the Dustbins are dead - 

"Oh god!  Who cares!  I'm going to have nightmares about this
for the rest of my life!  Uggggh!"

 The Doctor walks out of the room shivering in disgust and
explains that he'd already pre-programmed the Handjob to over-excite
Fargo's sun and make it explode pre-maturely.

"I made sure that Handjob had the Dustbins by the balls!"


 Briskly walking down the streets of London back to the TARDIS,
the Doctor returns to the shed of death, where he coldly informs the
Black Dustbin that it's the only one of its kind remaining and thus
will not have any assistance cleaning those hard to reach places.
The Dustbin, unable to cope, destroys itself.

 The Brigadier arrives on the scene and congratulates them all for
a job well done.  The Doctor doubts that Brigadier has really followed
them all this way, on foot as he still has the Brig's van, just to
say "Good work".  

 The Brigadier relates that their top scientific advisor, 
"a devilishly smart and capable chap. We almost lost him to Donneby's,
he knows more about rocket components than anyone else alive.",
has recently gone mysteriously missing.  The Brigadier is hopeful
the the poor old fool has just run off with some girl in a whirlwind
romance, but -

"And so you see, with my top scientific advisor missing, I need a
replacement.  Now."

The Doctor gave an odd smile, as if tempted and terrified.
"It's most regretful that I can not take you up on such an
enticing offer.  Still, you might find more luck in future with
my past."

"I don't want you Doctor."

"I see.  Well you can't have Ace.  Her nitro-9 is very impressive,
but something I am sure UNIT will develop in the fullness of time."

"I could do it Professor."

"It's a very regimented lifestyle Ace. Full of discipline and orders.
Short hair.  Nice clothes.  You wouldn't like it."

"Doctor!  I don't want the girl either."

"Oh.  Well, I can scarcely see what this has to do with me then!"

"Doctor!  If you would just be quiet and pay attention!  I would
like to offer a contract, WITH full benefits, and on-base provided
accommodation, to your mechanical dog."

"REALLY?!?!  OH YES!  Of course.  I'm sure you would.  Unfortunately
his loyalty to his master is ingrained into the very circuit boards
of his computational matrix.  Isn't that correct, K9?"

"Negative Doctor, Master.  Brigadier Master has made a fully
acceptable offer."

"But he hasn't actually offered anything specific K9!"

"Negative Master.  Brigadier Master has stated that your presence
would not be required.  I will accept that term.  All further details
are of secondary importance...Master."

 Guilty of genocide and rejected by his own robot dog the Doctor
finally reaches the TARDIS with Ace.  Before they enter the door,
Ace wants to know if they've done good, but the Doctor has no easy
answer for her this time.
 
 
Book(s)/Other Related - 
Doctor Who & The Handjob of Fear

The Dustbins: Murder, Music, And Mayhem

Those Kinky Blob Sexual Things You Always Wanted To Know About But
Were To Sane To Ask, by The Doctor


Links and References - 
WOW!  We have story lines including Gallifreyian history, UNIT,
K9, and most amazing of all TYPOS that somehow find themselves
painted on the side of junkyard gates.


Untelevised Misadventures -
The Doctor has visited Earth soon after this, as he knows the
outcome of the Brigadier's wife's pregnancy and this only increases
his fears of getting caught.

Groovy DVD Extras -
Several extended scenes, such as the conversations between the
Doctor and Lavros and also -

Brigadier: Oh I'm just pulling your leg Doctor.  I've known you
           so long, I don't care what face you wear.  As long as
           you don't kiss my men.

(Several UNIT men groan in disappointment)

 
Dialogue Disasters -


Doctor: Do you remember the Zygon gambit with the Loch Ness
        Monster? Or the Yeti in the Underground?

Brigadier: Sorry Doctor, you won't catch me out so easily!
           If this UNIT Dating thing is going to work, we've
           all got to be vague and non-committal, non-committal
           and vague, it's the only way!

----

 Doctor: Oi, Dustbin! It's me! What's the matter, don't you
         recognise your mortal enemy?

Dustbin: You are the time lord known to us as The Bastard!

 Doctor: NO!!  That's wrong...oh, wait.  Maybe not.  Can you
         clarify that a bit? 
         That is to say, do you just call me the Bastard, or
         are you thinking of the chap with the beard?



Dialogue Triumphs -


----

Doctor: Every great decision creates ripples -- like a huge boulder
        dropped in a lake. The ripples merge, rebound off the banks
        in unforeseeable ways. The heavier the decision, the larger
        the waves, the more uncertain the consequences.

Waiter: I just asked if you wanted sugar in your tea!

----

 DOCTOR: What are your objectives?

DUSTBIN: WE SHALL BECOME ALL POWERFUL! CRUSH THE LESSER RACES!
         CONQUER THE GALAXY! WE SHALL OBTAIN UNIMAGINABLE POWER!
         UNKNOWABLE WEALTH! UNLIMITED RICE PUDDING!

----

   DOCTOR: It's easy when you have 900 years experience. 

BRIGADIER: Honestly Doctor!  If you expect me to believe that
           totally bogus CV you submitted, you'll have another
           thing coming. 
           "I've been a scientist for thousands of years!"  
           HA!  I've heard all around that you're only 749!

----

Doctor: I've made a grave error of judgment. 

Waiter: OH, so you wanted sugar after all?

----

Doctor: (In disgust) Bipeds. 

----

Doctor: It is not good! Nothing about this is good. 

Waiter: Hey, blame the chef!  I just work here.

-----

Doctor: Goodbye, Lavros. It hasn't been pleasant. 

Lavros: So that's it?  After all of our years together?
        No tears?  No regrets?  No sad songs?

   Ace: Hey, ahhh...do you two want to be alone together?

----

  Brigadier: I say, if this chap is anything like David Bowie
             he'll be dead with three simple rounds to the head.

     Doctor: That's the entire point Brigadier!! It isn't even
             remotely like David Bowie!

  Brigadier: So what bad rock analogy can I use for this alien
             menace?

     Doctor: Interesting question.  I'd venture Keith Richards
             on a three day bender might about sum it up.
  
  Brigadier: BUT -- That would make it unstoppable!

     Doctor: Exactly. 

----


Lavros: In the end, you are merely another Timelord!

Doctor: Oh, Lavros.  I am far more than just another Timelord. 

Lavros: Can you back that up?

Doctor: Not exactly, but the chicks dig it.

Lavros: Fair enough.

----

TV Announcer: This is BBC television.  The time is a quarter past
              five, and Saturday viewing continues with an
              adventure in the new science fiction series
              The Clangers Versus Satan. 

----

Brigadier: MY GOD!!  What is it man?!

   Doctor: Blue string soup.

----


DOCTOR: Ace!  Give me some of that Nitro 9 that you're not hiding
        in your trousers! 

----

Dustbin: YOU ARE THE DOCTOR!  YOU ARE THE ENEMY OF THE DUSTBINS!
         YOU WILL BE TIDIED!  TIDIED!  TIDIED!  TIDIED!!! 

----

Lavros: Doctor, now you begin to FEAR! 

Doctor: Actually the fear began five minutes ago, I'm moving
        onto abject terror at the moment.

----

Lavros: Do not anger ME, Doctor. I can destroy you! And this
        MISERABLE . . . INSIGNIFICANT PLANET!!! 

Doctor: If this planet is so insignificant, why do you always
        try to conquer it?  At the moment, you aren't even trying
        to conquer the whole thing -- just a small secondary school.
        Seems a bit trivial.

Lavros: I'm evil.  It's just what I do.

----

Lavros: I will teach you, the folly of your words, Doctor. 
        It's "whom the Dustbins destroy" NOT "who the Dustbins 
        destroy"!

Doctor: For an alien tyrant you have an eerie mastery of the
        accusative case.

----

   ACE: We did good, didn't we? 

DOCTOR: If by "did good" you mean genocide, yes.

   ACE: Genocide?  But the Dustbins were evil.  They deserved
        hot fiery death!

DOCTOR: Perhaps. Time will tell. It always does. Perhaps this is
        wrong, a bad time to mention it...but I have an intense
        craving for houmous just at the moment.

----

K9: Mistress! There is danger mistress!

Ace: Yes I know! Shut up!

k9: My apologies mistress.

ACE: And stop calling me mistress! It sounds like some freaky bondage
     thing....and even worse it sounds like some freaky bondage sex
     thing between me and a robot dog!

K9: Apologies mistress.  By which appellation should I address you?

Ace: Ace.

K9: Negative mistress! My protocol prevents me from addressing you by
    the name by which you are most commonly known.  If I were to be 
    overheard by an unexpected hostile presence I would unknowingly
    reveal your identity. Mistress.

ACE: That's bollocks!  I've heard you call the Professor "the Doctor",
     and that's his most common name.

K9: My protocol specifically states "an unexpected hostile presence".
    Hostile presences are always expected in the vicinity of the
    Doctor master.

Ace: Right. Well call me anything then...I don't care...
     call me Simon if you like.

K9: Affirmative, Simon. 

------------------------------------------------------------


Viewer Quotes -

"This story elevated the Dustbins from stupid stooges of
Lavros to EVIL stooges of Lavros.  Lavros did for the Dustbins
what Dio did for Black Sabbath...fuck all."
               - Rock-n-Roll Sci-Fi Monthly (1989)


"This was the absolute worst story for me personally.  After
seeing the Special Weapons Dustbin, I was too terrified to
enter my laundry room or clean my clothes, for probably about
8 months.  I lost my friends, my girlfriend, and the smell
is still in my car to this day.  I blame Who."  
               - Rick "Smelly" Smithson (1991)

"Why isn't my local cafe this philosophical?  I try to talk
to those guys at the greasy spoon about existential despair
and they look at me as if I've entered some fugue state...
which in all honesty I probably have, but all I get out of
it is cold eggs and no conversation."
                - Jean Paul Leibniz (2000)

"I find Ace to be a likable, independent, strong and vibrant
character.  And what I mean by this, the distilled essence
of my observations if you will, is...I'd like to roger her behind
the Tesco, not sure if the CCTV is working.  I love danger."
                - Alan "Mr Romance" Davis (2003)



Sylvester McCoy Speaks!
The one thing you always hear all the actors say is "I didn't feel
like a real Doctor until I faced the Dustbins."  
And this is true.
However it's not the most "Doctor-affirming" moment you get to
experience actually.
What made me feel like the Doctor was when I performed the sacred
ritual of beating the hell out of Tom Baker.
It apparently was a tradition that went back to a crazed drinking
contest between Tom and William Hartnell in the mid-70s.
After a few dozen rounds there were some fighting words - arguments
over whose roundels were bigger, that sort of thing.
And apparently Hartnell was able to thrash poor Tom something
silly.
Then Troughton got in on the fun, and it spiralled from there.
Both Peter and Colin had been let in on the gag by Pertwee and
Troughton, and sometime during the second season you were let
into the club as it were -- after tracking down Tom at a pub
and having a few rounds with him.
I'm sure Colin got the beat Tom senseless sometime during the
recording of "A Few Doctors", and Peter in "The Four-And-A-Half
Doctors".  Anniversary specials were always a great excuse to
punch up Tom.


Sophie Aldred speaks!
Rememberin' was funnily enough my least favourite story to work on.
I wasn't confident yet and JST kept trying to glue question marks
onto my costume during the filming, it was a little creepy and
totally bollocksed continuity.


Rumors & Facts -

 Andrew Cartmel had recently become Doctor Who's script editor and
he was desperate to bring new talent to the programme (mostly because
the old talent had wisened up, the promised three pounds and free
copy of the Radio Times just never seemed to arrive).

 Cartmel turned to a promising new talent Ben Aaaaronovitch, whom
apparently developed his career by always appearing first in
alphabetical credits.

 Aaaaronovitch (Okay, BEN!) submitted a story idea called Nightfall,
which of course bore no relation whatsoever to the Isaaaac Aaaasimov
short story of the same name with an coincidentally identical plot.
 
 Cartmel felt that Nightfall was not suitable for his show, but was
impressed by the sheer number of "a"s in Ben's name, and so he
invited him to pitch further ideas.

 Being perceptive, Ben submitted a story entitled "Aaavaallion"
based on the Aarthuriaan myths (The now almost completely forgotten
King Aarthuriaan of Northern Wales)

 Meanwhile, JST had once again been threatened by the BBC mafioso
that his repeated attempts to escape from Doctor Who were not
acceptable.  So desperate was John to escape from his producer
role that he had invested hundreds of pounds in the forgery of
a fake passport identifying him as Atsuko Kayumi, a 78 year old
Japanese man.  JST apparently planned to work as a Sushi chef in
Kobe and disappear forever.  He got as far as Turkey, when BBC
Goons found him, beat him, and smuggled him back into London.

 Once restrained to the BBC's satisfaction, JST and Cartmel began
working on a vast masterplan to return magic and mystery to the
character of the Doctor - via the weird route of systematically
explaining everything about him and his past.

 In particular, Cartmel wanted to start laying "hints" that there
was more to the Doctor's background than had heretofore been revealed.
On average these hints were roughly as subtle as the Doctor dancing
up and down, smashing together giant cymbals and screaming 
"I'm more than you imagined!  I created time lord society,
don't you know!"  

 In fact that scene was recorded for this story but then dropped
for time.

 For Doctor Who's silver jubilee, JST decided he wanted a "somewhat"
muted anniversary special, and so he restrained himself to merely
killing off the Doctor's old enemies, having a UNIT story, introducing
powerful and ancient Gallifreyian artifacts, re-introducing K-9,
and making countless references to characters such as The Bastard.

 JST was reportedly disappointed that he wasn't able to bring back
all the surviving Doctors and have them tour with the Beatles.

 Of course, as always, obtaining the rights to use the Dustbins was
no easy task.  The proper sacrifices had to be made, the potent
incantations spoken at just the correct time, and all that was
just to get Terry Nation's new phone number in California.

 JST offered Nation the chance to write a serial for the new season,
but he turned it down, preferring to just see the scripts before
approval and collect the usual 5,000 human souls per episode.

 Aaaaronovitch was tapped to write the script and he entitled the
first draft "The Nemesis of Doctor Who".  The Nemesis of Doctor Who
was the only script in the history of the programme that apparently
took into account the actual budget available.  While the average
Dustbin script includes massive invasion armies, complex futuristic
bases run by hordes of Dustbins, and heroic final showdowns between
the heroes and a seemingly unstoppable mass of monsters, The Nemesis
of Doctor Who cleverly avoided these pitfalls, and therefore the
almost certain need for cardboard cut out Dustbins.

 The Nemesis of Doctor Who is a relatively simple story about
a Blue Dusbtin and a Red Dustbin who land in Surrey and then take
each other up on a bet on who can take over the earth first.

 JST was heavily displeased by this script as the two Dustbins showed
an easy going camaraderie between themselves, exhibited frequent
displays of whimsical fun taking over the planet, and overall had
a jolly good time WITH NO Lavros to come in and mess the story up.

 Ben was asked to write a newer, darker, story, with Lavros there
to handicap the coolness of the Dustbins as much as possible. 

 To make up for this unfortunate change, Ben envisioned a whole new
type of Dustbin - the Special Weapons Dustbin!  In his scripts
Ben described the Special Weapons Dustbin as an armed floating
platform which could be achieved through a combination of model and
electronic effects. Ultimately, though, it was decided to use a
Dyson washing machine that had lain broken and forgotten in the
BBC Laundrette for a number of years.