Bertie Bassett Doesn't Take Shit From Anyone
An alternate Programme Guide by
The One Hundred and Fifty-Fifth Entry in the Charles Daniels
Unauthorized Programme Guide O'Peace Babies
Serial 7L - Bertie Bassett Doesn't Take Shit From Anyone -
Beyond the realms of time and space the Doctor wanders the endless
corridors of the TARDIS. The Doctor says nothing and seems to be
in a universe all his own as he aimlessly advances through the
endless maze. Ace follows him, first asking politely for the
Doctor's attention, then pleading, then begging, then crying
hysterically. When the Doctor fails to register her presence in
any way, Ace approaches the Doctor quietly, and then firmly knees
him in the groin.
The Doctor bundles into a small ball, looks up at Ace with terrified
eyes and explains that his worst nightmare has at last arrived --
he's completely run out of Jelly Babies.
Excerpt from TARGET Novelization -
"Is that all?" Said Ace disgusted as she looked down at the crumpled
"You don't understand the implications! I have been living on
borrowed time for centuries. At last the pact is complete. I must
return to the giver of the liquorice all sorts and plead for more
bounty. My life, my very soul is in peril." The weight of the
millennia fell heavily on the Doctor's shoulders.
"Um, Professor. When I want Jelly Babies, I just pop round to the
corner shop. It's easy."
"NO!!! What I possessed were Jelly Babies of unimaginable power!
Something no mere earthly corner shop could possibly hope to contain."
"You obviously haven't been to Perivale. The corner shops sell
stuff more horrifying than the Dustbins. I think the concept of a
'Use By' date is still just catching on there."
"ACE! I am serious! We must supplicate the Dark God of Liquorice!"
"And who's that?"
"WHAT!?! You're scared of Bertie Bassett? But he must be a complete
darling. A real push over."
"You don't know him like I do Ace. Bertie Bassett Doesn't Take Shit
The Main Story
In the streets of colony world Terra Alpha a group of young liquorice
addicts are gunned down in a candy deal gone wrong.
Rolo Hershey, the most connected candy dealer on Terra Alpha has
been taking an extremely hardline approach to those who don't have
"Think I've got all day to count out change for a 5 pound note if
all they bothered to buy is a single Double Decker? Screw that!
I got places to be!"
Rolo has already killed 47 junk food junkies today, and it's only
beginning to take the edge off.
When the Doctor approaches Rolo and asks for some Jelly Babies,
it's the last headache he needs for the day.
"WOAH! I don't deal in the heavy shit. I'm a peaceful guy man.
You want to get the hook up with some chocolate, some minty shit
or something, I'm your man. You want that flavoured sugar
crap, you gotta go to the man. I'm not touching it."
Unable to do a simple street deal as he had hoped, the Doctor
must find the secret digs of Bertie himself.
The Doctor befriends a local busker Earl Sigma, an off world
harmonica player who stopped off on Terra Alpha for vacation but
wound up addicted to Smarties and trapped in the endless spiral of
dependency. Earl takes the Doctor and Ace directly to Bertie
Bassett's penthouse flat, where they are captured - as per usual.
Bertie Bassett explains that all three of them will act as willing
volunteers for his new candy experiments OR they will be devoured
alive by this pet poodle Fifi.
Ace: My god that's stupid!
Doctor: Yes a dog that size will never be able to eat us whole!
Ace: No, I mean naming the damn thing Fifi.
Bertie Bassett straps our heroes to chairs, explaining that he makes
sweets so delectable that they sometimes overload the pleasure centres
of the human brain.
"That's why the sell so well. That's also why they kill people.
Go figure. It's a funny old world."
The Doctor explains to Ace and Earl that the ancient and insane
god Zoth-Ommog constructed a minor god of functioning confectionery,
as a bit of a party piece. After impressing Ithaqua, Othuyeg, and
Baoht Z'uqqa-Mogg the Bringer of Pestilence with the new servant
god B'ertous-Ba'Set (roughly translated as "Candy-loving Evil Demon")
all four of them got incredibly drunk on cheap wine and cast down
the servant god to the physical plane )what we know as the mortal
From there B'ertous-Ba'Set got the slightly less conspicuous name
of Bertie Bassett, set up an insanely profitable candy empire, took
over an entire human colony, and then started killing people like
there was no tomorrow.
When Ace and Earl ask the Doctor what all of this actually means and
how they can use it to defeat Bertie, the Doctor looks confused and
"What? Oh, he's an old one. Completely undefeatable. I was just
explaining so you'd know exactly why we're all going to die."
Looking at their slack faces the Doctor continued - "But you could
always scream your lungs out in fear. Don't let me stop you."
Bertie Bassett meanwhile begins the typical insane gloating. As
Bertie takes swigs off a bottle of raspberry syrup, he explains that
he will transform them into the ultimate candy known in this galaxy -
Each Jelly Adult will have their own distinctive appearance and
personality. And, at an average height of 5'7" they should completely
corner the oversized candy market for Christmas and Easter.
The Doctor decides to test the sanity of Bertie and mentions a
candy gun he sees hanging on a nearby wall. Bertie explains that
the gun is made from the purest sugar crystals on the planet and
that the bullets are gum drops "the really old, crusty chewy ones
you get in little village sweet shops".
The Doctor taunts Bertie, until the candy god is full of rage.
When Bertie points the gun directly in his face, the Doctor
challenges him to look him in the eye, pull the trigger, and end his
Bertie pulls back the gun. The Doctor will not so easily escape
his terrible destiny of being turned into sugar candy goodness.
The Doctor knocks the gum drop gun out of Bertie's hand and shoots
him repeatedly. However, Bertie's candy body simply splatters
slightly, failing to cause any harm or pain to the dark god of
Bertie Bassett pushes the Doctor harshly into a wall of syrup
bottles. The collision smashes the bottles and their contents
ooze over the floor. A bottle of lemonade spritzer cracks at
Bertie Bassett's feet and a chemical reaction glues him fast to the
Bertie Bassett commands Fifi to attack. The Doctor screams like
a girl and runs away, Ace is still tied up and can not move, and
Earl certain of his impending death begins to play a sad song,
about de-toxing from sugar highs, on his harmonica.
The resonance of the harmonica music causes giant sugar crystals on
the walls to crumble, crushing Fifi under tons of crystallised sugar.
Earl and Ace make their escape and reunite with the Doctor.
When they explain Fifi's death and that Bertie Bassett is still
glued to the floor, an evil look crosses the Doctor's face and
he runs back into the penthouse flat of doom.
Earl and Ace stand about awkwardly in a hallway for a few moments,
tapping their feet and putting their hands in their pockets, until
finally they decide to catch the Doctor up and see what he's up to.
When they arrive back at the penthouse sweet Ace clasps her
palm over her mouth and Earl screams "HOT DAMN!"
They stare on in bewilderment as they watch the Doctor hunched
over, ravenously eating the remains of Bertie Bassett.
"Ace! Earl! You must try some. He's fabulously delicious!"
"BUT! Professor! HOW?!"
"Easily Ace! Stuck to the floor he couldn't really put up
much of a fight. And he's got the creamiest nougat centre
I've ever encountered in an alien menace."
Book(s)/Other Related -
Doctor Who: Bloodbath In Candyland (This board game banned in UK)
Jimmy: The Little Boy Who Ate Too Much Chocolate And Went on A
Killing Spree (Special Deluxe Edition)
Tom Baker Versus The Jelly Babes (The Compleat Low Budget
Pornographic Cinema Experience)
Links and References -
The Doctor threatens to smash the entire sugar crystal complex
with the power of his sonic goat army...if only he actually
remembered to bring them along.
Untelevised Misadventures -
The Doctor says to Ace "Of course, back in my third incarnation
I used to be quite good friends with Bertie Bassett. We used to
dine with Chairman Mao and Benny Hill. Strange dinner conversations."
Groovy DVD Extras -
The awesome deleted scene in which Bertie Bassett fights Jackie Chan
in a complex kick boxing competition (cut for time).
Dialogue Disasters -
Doctor: I can hear the sound of empires toppling.
Ace: No, I just knocked over that bookshelf.
Doctor: Ace, we're about to face a very sticky situation.
Dialogue Triumphs -
Bertie: Get back. Or I'll use the gum drop gun.
Doctor: Yes, I imagine you will. You like guns, don't you?
Bertie: This is a specialised weapon. It's designed of the purest
sugar crystals. It's deadly, and delicious. Pure rock
(The Doctor frees himself from his bonds)
Bertie: Stay where you are.
Doctor: Why? Scared? Why should you be scared? You're the one with
Bertie: That's right.
Doctor: And you like guns, don't you?
Bertie: Back off Doctor! I will kill you.
Doctor: Of course you will. That's what guns are for. Pull a trigger.
End a life. Simple, isn't it?
Doctor: Makes sense, doesn't it? You're a giant candy man with
a sugar gun. Tough, yet soft, and ready to kill.
Doctor: A life, killing life.
Bertie: Do not tempt me Doctor.
Doctor: Shut up. Why don't you do it then? Look me in the eye.
Pull the trigger. Let the gum drop ammo fly. End my life.
Doctor: Why not?
Bertie: I can't.
Doctor: Why not?
Bertie: (Guiltily) I..I...I got hungry and ate the bullets!!!
Talking about Bertie -
Doctor: Of all the beings I have fought throughout time and
space he was the most-
Doctor: No. Delicious.
Ace: That's so gross!
Doctor: It was those little chunks of almond that did it, you know?
Anyway, I've raided the place and I easily have enough
Jelly Babies to last another 30,000 years.
Would you like a jelly baby Ace?
Ace: We're not talking REAL BABIES, are we Professor?
Doctor: Time will tell, it always does.
Viewer Quotes -
'This is an oddball story. And when I say "oddball" I mean
"crap".' - Blunt Review Monthly (January 1989)
"Gangs of brightly dressed women with big guns, that's my
kind of pornography!"
- Father James O' Maley (Christmas Newsletter, 1988)
"My mother in law had a dog just like that. Pure evil man."
- Dennis Freebie (1996)
"Did the script writer hate liquorice, or own stock that was
directly in competition with Bassett? The whole, dark god old one
made out of sweets is just unacceptably bizarre."
- Ted MíNagalah (2003)
Sylvester McCoy Speaks!
"I think I was the only Doctor to defeat a walking hunk of
liquorice all-sorts. I'd have to look that up, but I'd be
surprised if I couldn't claim that one for myself. Who knows,
maybe Tom Baker got to beat up the Fox's Glacier Mints polar bear."
Rumors & Facts -
Graeme Curry approached Andrew Cartmel in a pub late one evening
in February 1987 and feverishly began to pitch ideas for Doctor
Who before Cartmel realised he was even there or what he was
trying to do.
After calming down and offering to buy a pint for Cartmel, Curry
was unable to pitch anything that sounded feasible. Even after
buying Cartmel a pack of Cheese 'n Onion crisps and thinking about
stories whilst walking to and from the bar, he did not come up
with anything to Cartmel's liking (he preferred pork scratchings).
Eventually, after buying some roast peanuts, Curry suggested that
the Doctor reveal and a dark and secret debt to Bertie Bassett that
must be repaid on pain of death.
Cartmel started listening. Cartmel liked the idea and together the
pair developed it, expanding it into both a commentary on modern-day
confectionery making processes and the policies of Margaret Thatcher's
reigning Conservative government -- as this was the 80s and all
television in England was based on that to some variable degree.
Curry briefly titled his story Bertie Bassett Kills The Fuck Out
Of People In Slow Motion, but this was changed to Bertie Basset
Doesn't Take Shit From Anyone by the time episode one was broadcast.
In the course of scripting the adventure, Curry -- with Cartmel's
agreement -- decided to tone down the anti-Thatcher elements. He
used scripts instead to build the foundation for what he felt would
be the new genre of the 1990s "Candy Horror".
On November 10th, after episode two was aired, QB Strokes, chairman
and chief executive of Bassett Foods plc, wrote to the BBC to
complain that Bertie Bassett was working for Doctor Who without
Strokes explained in a detailed letter that while he knew that
Bertie suffered from many emotional problems, and was in fact
currently under investigation over a series of mysterious murders
committed in Hong Kong, he felt that to portray Bertie's true
personality before the viewing audiences of Britain would only ruin
his future chances for a fair trial.
After investigating the matter, David Burner of the BBC Copyright
Department informed Strokes on November 25th that he had determined
that Bertie Bassett was indeed not working or acting within Doctor
Who. The Doctor Who office had been under the impression that
Bertie Bassett was in fact a fictional trade marked design, and
therefore it did not occur to them to approach Bertie Bassett
directly to portray himself in the teleplay.
Strokes replied with a suspicious number of denials. Stating that
he was happy to hear that the BBC had considered Bertie Bassett for
their production, and that of course Bertie Bassett was totally
fictional and therefore not at all capable of the gruesome murders
mentioned previously, which probably didn't happen anyway.
A week later QB Strokes was seen in an airport with a one-way
ticket to Brazil. Nothing has been heard or seen of him since.
Flagrant Trademark violations aside, Bertie Bassett Doesn't Take
Shit From Anyone was an outstanding success from a production
viewpoint. The only serious problem occurring (thankfully) on the
last day of filming when due to a prop mix-up Sylvester McCoy ended
up eating the actor in the Bertie Bassett costume, instead of an
empty Bertie Bassett costume mocked up earlier.