An alternate Programme Guide by
The One Hundred and Sixty-First Entry in the Charles Daniels
Unauthorized Programme Guide O' Why argue with irony?
Serial 7P - Survival -
A quiet, sunny summer's day in a small English town; A grubby
man is seen vigorously rubbing a black cat. A dark foreboding
penetrates the scene, a blinding flash of light strikes through
the air and the cat uses this moment of distraction to flee.
The grimy man shambles into an alley after the feline as the
TARDIS materializes nearby...
Ace has forced the Doctor to return to Perivale in the 1980s.
At first she tried to convince the Doctor it was for purely
sentimental reasons, but then had to explain away why she
insisted on bringing an electrified baseball bat with her on
Ace is looking for old friends. Primarily she is looking for
"old friends" who owe her lots of money.
It seems that Ace was running a rather lucrative loan shark
operation before being whisked away in a time tornado.
Walking through the streets, Ace can't find anyone she
recognises. They all apparently wised up and left town when
the going got good OR they are cleverly hiding away now that
she's come back.
Ace breaks a paperboy's fingers trying to get some local
information on the whereabouts of her old clientele, but the
exercise is fruitless.
Ace sighs in frustration, she'd forgotten how boring Perivale
Things are so hopelessly depressing that she begins to genuinely
miss her old chums/victims. Ace finds herself looking morosely
at a corner shop - "Ange and I hit that place when we were just
thirteen. I shoved a zip gun in the clerks face and trussed him
up with duct tape. That was so stupid. Ange only managed to
steal us three alcopops."
And from there memory lane just goes downhill -
"And that's where I told David Grinsby that I loved him. I gave
him a big wet kiss, let my hands glide down his back, flattened
my palms against his arse, and then smoothly slipped his wallet
out of his back jeans pocket. Damned guy only had 5 quid, a
folded up page 3 girl, and an expired condom.
Damn I miss him."
Ace looks for her friends in the local jail while the Doctor
notes with interest some thick black hairs on the ground.
Ace tries her best to charm a prison guard, Patterson, but
it seems that her old pals aren't incarcerated either -- which
seems almost impossible to believe.
When Patterson recognizes Ace and starts chastising her for
a previous jail break, Ace storms off in disgust.
The Doctor honestly doesn't give a damn about Ace's rather
boring and lame absent friends. In fact he seems infinitely
more interested in some random stray black cat which has been
wandering around the exterior of the jail. The Doctor tries
to explain to Ace that he senses someone has been looking at
him through the cat's eyes...but Ace tells the Doctor that
she doesn't need any more proof that he's totally nuts.
Ace decides to get drunk and hurt people - so it's just a
regular evening at the local pub for her.
The Doctor eventually tires of Ace's drunken attempts at
arm wrestling with the bartender, and suggests that they knock
over a corner shop as a way to round out the evening.
Wandering into the small shop the Doctor frantically starts
shoving bottles of milk and tins of cat food into his jacket.
By this time Ace is so wasted that she falls asleep against
the cold drinks refrigerator after trying, and failing, to pick
up a Fanta.
The Doctor grabs Ace roughly by the shoulder and drags her out
into the street. Thoughtlessly the Doctor leaves Ace face down
in the gutter as he giddily sets out a buffet of cat food on
Ace comes to in the gutter and slurringly complains at the
Doctor. Ace tells the Doctor that she wants to go to a local
park and play on the swings. Realizing that the Doctor isn't
listening to her, she stumbles off down a dark side street
and somehow makes her way to a nearby playground.
There, she sees the black cat, and witnesses the
materialization of a humanoid Cheetah riding a horse.
Ace smiles inanely, convinced that she is completely rat-arsed,
she giggles and starts to swing back and forth as she looks
at the cute fluffy cheetah people.
The Doctor senses something otherworldly, he realises that
Ace is in mortal peril, and he also sees that a curious dog
has eaten all the cat food. Without anything better to do
the Doctor decides to come to the rescue of his intoxicated
However as he has been neglecting Ace for hours, he isn't
sure where exactly she is, and by the time he reaches the park
it's too late; Ace, like her friends/victims before her, has
"Oh no! She's been been transported to the planet of the
Cheetah People!" Exclaims the Doctor, which leads me to wonder
how the hell he knew that, or indeed anything about the cheetah
As it turns out the Doctor is right, and Ace is in fact on
the run for her life on the mysterious planet of the furries...
UM! I mean "cheetah people".
Ace has decided to run into a nearby woods in a desperate
attempt to escape her pursuers. Deep in the woods, Ace finds
a strange and disgusting man who is also hiding here.
The Doctor, annoyed that Ace is ahead of schedule, opens a
portal to the cheetah planet in mid-air and calmly walks through.
On the other side a crowd of Cheetahs herd the Doctor towards a
tent where the Bastard is waiting for him...
"Lord President. How may I assist you?"
Inside the tent the Doctor prepares himself for the Bastard's
usual self-congratulating world-domination speech, but is
quickly thrown a surprise -
"Doctor, I've brought you to the planet of the Cheetah People
for a very important reason."
"Excuse me for my interruption Lord President, but in fact you
only brought my travelling companion to this remote planet.
I caught the 10.45 from Perivale."
"Your mode of conveyance is trivial to me Doctor. The matter
at hand is much more dire to the destiny of this universe.
Bluntly put Doctor, your granddaughter's grades have simply
The young girl is entrusted to your care, and yet you have
shown no concern for her academic and professional future.
As the Lord President of Gallifrey, I am also charged with
the duties of Dean of Education and Master of Universities.
In those roles, EACH of the three, I have independently
concluded with myself that you are an unfit guardian.
So I will be taking your granddaughter immediately back to
Gallifrey where she will study at the Prydonian Academy."
"You can't do that. She's already a full time lady."
"I'm afraid not Doctor. She failed to complete the final
exam of her last course, due to your interference in her
life when you went renegade."
"So you're taking her back to complete some minor test?
She is a master of Quantum Hypermathmatics. She personally
wrote the paper which was the foundation of the current
model for transdimensional proton decay. And if I'm not
mistaken, she has centuries of practical experience in
temporal engineering. Name any course she can't master,
any test she can't pass with flying colours!"
Ace pokes the grubby man with a stick to see if he's dead.
A quick yelp from him convinces her that he is still in the
land of the living. Then, to her horror, she recognises him -
"Why you're that mad Mr. Jones with all the cats! I remember
you. You used to give me candy and glare at me oddly back in
primary school! I thought you got arrested."
Ace is convinced that Mr. Jones has magically transported her
to a planet filled with cheetah people. So, Ace is sure that
he must also be her key out of the place. It is for this reason
that Ace insists that Mr. Jones travel with her back to the
location where she first appeared on the planet.
When Ace returns to her arrival point she meets the Doctor
who explains that Mr. Jones is not to blame (well, for them
being there at least), and technically neither is an evil time
lord called The Bastard --
Ace: You mean it's not Cat Molester Jones' fault?
Doctor: No, no. Who's ever doing this is accessing energies
powerful enough to instantaneously travel between
This guy just molests cats.
It's a totally different ballgame.
Eventually the trio discover that the Cheetah People themselves
have the power to travel across the universe.
The Doctor tells Ace and Cat Molester Jones to stay put and
not touch anything, AND THAT GOES DOUBLE FOR MR. JONES!
The Doctor meets the Bastard in the ruins of an old building,
as the Bastard thinks it's really dramatic and makes him look
cool. The Bastard explains that the Cheetah People possess
awesome powers that would be of great benefit to the time lords -
"Other time lords have seen as I do. Even some of your
previous selves have seen the true destiny of the time lords.
We are an old and worn out race. But if we could uplift newer,
more vital species, into time lords, then, we could become
a new race. Stronger, smarter, and dare I say, sexier!
Others have tinkered with cruel, painful, and immoral genetic
experiments; but I have perfected them!"
The Bastard explains that he has enhanced himself into a
Time Cheetah, and now desires Ace as his Time Cheetah Bride,
so they can create a new race of Time Cubs!
The Doctor concludes that he preferred the company of Cat
The Doctor abandons the Bastard and finds Ace. What he
discovers chills him to his core. On top of a bed of heather
Ace is ravenously sexually attacking Mr. Jones (who to be
honest isn't putting up much of a fight..okay...well ANY of
a fight), to the Doctor's further, and now almost relegated to
secondary terror, he sees that Ace's eyes have changed colour,
glowing the animal yellow of the Cheetahs...
The Doctor sits at the edge of the field and eats an apple,
waiting for the thrusting to stop. The Doctor is aware that
the Bastard is nearby, seeing and listening to everything,
but there's little the Doctor can do.
The Doctor finally approaches Ace and explains that while he
will never judge her, he is worried that Ace is finding the
Cheetah lifestyle dangerously attractive.
The Doctor doesn't make significant headway in his arguments
however as Ace ignores him completely whilst devouring a raw
The Doctor decides to abandon arguments about the nobility of
man and the rise above savagery, and cut straight to his most
powerful argument -
"If you embrace your Cheetah side completely...you'll be
the willing play thing of our old friend, creepy Mr. Jones
This statement forces Ace to realize the raw danger of her new life and
fills her with revulsion.
The Doctor, Ace, and Mr. Jones catch the 9.15 time vortex back
Meanwhile the Bastard has also left the planet of the Cheetah
People and returned to his own flat in a council block in
Perivale. Even as he enjoys some mind-numbing day time
television the Bastard realises that he is succumbing to the
raw power of his cheetah side.
He vows that if he is to become an animal he will bring the
Doctor down as an animal....as soon as Countdown is over.
Book(s)/Other Related -
Doctor Who & The Catflap of Death
Ace - Breaking People and Hurting Things
Cat Molester Jones SINGS!
(see LP cover here - http://www.whoguide.com/nonfic.htm )
Thanks to fellow surreal archivist, Bernie Fishnotes
Links and References -
A very complex story which recalls multiple continuity threads
and vaguely pretends to make sense of them all.
Cat Molester Jones returns, as discussed in Serials 4Q, 4Z, 5F
The Uplift plotline is manhandled and milked for all it's worth,
see Serials 6w and 6x
All plot lines can be reviewed here -
Untelevised Misadventures -
The Doctor went renegade on the day of, or shortly before,
Susan's final exam in French. Seemingly a throw away point
of continuity, and yet apparently enough to spawn a trilogy
of novels about Susan's evil French teacher, Rodin Abraxas,
and the secret destiny of the Gallifreyian empire...which
in some way involved French instruction.
Anyway, I can happily sum up the 750 pages of the trilogy
with these words - "French speaking Gallifreyians equals BAD!"
Groovy DVD Extras -
The 3 minute, "Cat Molester Jones strokes a tabby" sequence
which was cut from the original VHS release after the RSPCA, PETA,
Greenpeace, The Klu Klux Klan, and Al Qaeda, put aside
their differences in a joint protest - thus shocking and scaring
the hell out of everyone.
A scene which I SWORE was Sophie Aldred naked...but is actually
just a really, badly, sadly, out of focus shot -- damn!
Dialogue Disasters -
Doctor: If we fight like ninjas, we'll die like ninjas!
Bastard: Remember your home Doctor, remember Zeist!
Dialogue Triumphs -
Ace: I felt like I could run forever, like I could smell
the wind, feel the grass under my feet, like I was
aware of each bead of salty sweat flowing, trickling
down my supple flesh.
Bastard: I'm just going to pop off the to loo for a moment now
Ace. Umm...just stay here, alright?
Doctor: There are worlds out there where the sky is burning,
where the sea's asleep and the rivers dream, people
made of smoke and cities made of song. Somewhere
there's danger, somewhere there's injustice and
somewhere else the tea is getting cold. Come on, Ace,
we've got work to do.
Ace: Alright, but lay off the hash brownies for once Professor.
Viewer Quotes -
"This story is sensual and haunting. Ace's transformation had
me hot and bothered for weeks; It's poetic yet disturbing, feminine yet
sleazy, and is everything the show ought to be about - Sexy Women turning
into sexy CAT women."
- Donkey Kong Dig-Dug Sanchez (2005)
"For me the last scene in the series is a classic. The Bastard
walks home, to this grimy, horrid council flat, slumps lazily
onto a couch with peeling upholstery, holding a can of lager
in one hand and a remote control in the other, and just basking
in the dull blue glow of the television. Waiting for the right
moment to strike again." - Darrell Mansk (1990)
"This story is really a testimony to Darwinian and Nietzchian
ideals. The Darwin part because, as we all know, mankind
actually evolved from cats and Nietzchian as we see Cat Molester
Jones, becoming the object of his own desire, but honestly I
don't like to think of that scene very much."
- Roger Wilby (1993)
"Cat Molester Jones? What sort of role model is that? Who
should go around molesting 'CATS'? I don't like that word
'molestation'. It's too risky." - Father James O'Maley (1989)
Sylvester McCoy Speaks!
"We were filming in Dorset or Death Valley or some such. There
was a giant sandpit with a huge Sarlacc in the middle of it.
It was just like doing a Spaghetti Western, but not in Italy.
It was desert hot and all these girls had to be dressed up in
cat suits and all this fun fur stuff. After about the third
day I asked the director if we couldn't use these girls as
the aliens in the show, instead of just having them standing
around, dressed like that..doing...god knows what for why.
So they changed the script around to include these cheetah
people...just so we could use the actresses once they were in
these costumes anyway, which I guess we HAD been doing, just
not for the show.
So here we were, at this location that reminded me of the
planet Dune, and it was just far too hot for the cat girls!
Too unbearably hot. But then again they were very patient
except for one, who suddenly freaked out and ripped all her
clothes off and was last seen running for the train. It was
a lovely sight though...."
Sophie Aldred Speaks!
"I was on a contract for the first half of the next series,
and we'd had discussions about what Ace would be doing and
how the relationship with the Doctor...whoops, the PROFESSOR
would develop. The big idea being kicked around is that we'd
start the new series on the planet "Erotica Time Conjunction"
where the Professor would be acting as a sort of intergalactic
superfly pimp and using me as prostitute, complete with fishnets,
in sort of a World War II spy fashion. So I could hear from
my Cybermen clients about troop movements in the Acton galaxy
It would have been terribly fun to do."
Rumors & Facts -
Doctor Who script editor Cartmel had met Rona Munro at an
Introduction to Creative Writing class in night school, which
he had been failing miserably.
Cartmel invited Rona to submit ideas to the production office.
This invitation was somewhat bold, as the production office had
been using Cartmel's face as a dart board for the previous
After some initial snubbing, Rona explained that she could
devise a story which would feature the requirement of young
actresses appearing only in a cheetah bras and panties. She
further explained that cheetahs were nimble and fast creatures
and so only the most athletic and fit young women could be
considered for the part, and she also promised to write such
a complex script that auditions for the parts would be long
The production office completely dropped it's earlier skepticism
and commissioned Rona on the spot.
As it turns out the auditions went on for such a lengthy period
of time, the script was amended greatly, and everyone had simply
FORGOTTEN why these women were about in cat girl costumes, but
the production office, not wanting to look a gift horse in the
mouth, made virtually no inquiries into the matter.
During filming, things eventually got on the right track again
when Sylvester McCoy suggested using the girls...and then later
someone, possibly McCoy, thought that they should actually
be included in the story.
Several last minute changes were made to the scripts, which
basically was now the tale of the Bastard time stalking Susan
for centuries, waiting for the perfect moment to transform
her into a super cat girl for his own twisted amusement.
As everyone desired that this production, and Doctor Who as a
whole, be taken in the most serious and dramatic tone possible,
the story was titled "Cat Flap".
Another major change was made to episode two while taping.
At the end of the Doctor and the Bastard's verbal confrontation
Anthony Ainley concluded with -
"I have it on good authority that you yourself are something
other than a Time Lord. YOU Doctor, are a rich tea biscuit
of unimaginable power!"
This scene was cut before final broadcast, as Ainley had
wandered about 10,000 miles off script, and apparently come
up with that as a dramatic and exciting conclusion to the
JST gave the final authority for the line to be excised as he
felt that this scene was too explicit in casting doubt on the
Doctor's past, and wanted to keep the possibility open that the
Doctor was in fact a Chocolate Hob Nob.
While post-production was ongoing, it was becoming clear to JST and
Cartmel that Season Twenty-Seven was going to be at the
very least delayed a decade or so, and possibly not occur at all.
What no one had known until it was too late was that Doctor Who
had a bullseye painted on it.
One, twisted, sick, psychopathically determined man had been
chipping his way into the BBC powerbase for years.
This fellow not only felt neglected and hated by the Doctor
Who staff, but also knew who to stab, what to suck, and how to
get his way.
He spent decades, toiling, with one goal in mind - Destroy
Doctor Who as it had destroyed him, and convince the BBC to
use the money saved, from not producing Doctor Who, as the
budget for his own science fiction series, featuring his own
innovative and ingenious characters.
And so it was in the final days of the 1980s that the
Creator of the Quirks had his revenge!
The Quirks ran for 6 episodes in 1990 -
1. A Quirk In Time
2. Quirky Behaviour
3. Two Up, One Down
4. The Higgs Boson Decay of Death
5. The Leptons of Fury
6. The Quirks Go To Vegas