The Snugglers

An alternate Programme Guide by Charles Daniels

Twenty-Eighth Entry in the Charles Daniels Unauthorized Programme Guide O'
Public Displays O' Affection

Serial CC - The Snugglers -

The TARDIS materialises in Cromer in the 17th century.
The Doctor is digusted at his new travelling companions.
He has been trying to teach them about the wonders of the
universe but they keep making out in front of him.  At first
content just to watch the Doctor tries to get involved much
to their annoyance.  Eventually the Doctor feels he's been
insulted enough and decides to go outside and try to pick
up 17th century beach babes.
Unfortunately the Doctor quickly meets up with some insane
pirates looking for treasure.  From them he decides to get
into the business of selling contraband from other time
periods such as Swiss watches, chocolate, and wacky tabacky.
The Doctor has set up a swinging hip shoppe called
"Smuggler's Corner" which people mocking call "Snugglers' Corner"
because young men and women choose it as a place to do heavy
At first this interests the Doctor but he can't help
but wonder about Polly and Ben still in the TARDIS.
The Doctor grows annoyed that the only person who has
shown an interest him at all was a pirate's parrot and
he later learned this was merely to get free peanuts from him.
Eventually a straw breaks the camel's back.  From a conversation
with a customer the Doctor discovers the local vicar is getting
more in the joy department than he is.
Finally he decides he can no longer stand the 17th century.
He sells the pirates a phony treasure map, goes into
the TARDIS and makes the most cryptic statement of his run
on the series [See Last Quote In This Entry].

Book(s)/Other Related - Doctor Who Hates The Snugglers
                        Doctor Mysterio - Snuggle Touchy-Touchy-O-Rama!
                        The Goonies 2: Fake 17th Century Treasure Map
                        (the rejected sequel where the Goonies lose
                         their homes for good)

Fluffs - Hartnell seemed confused for most of this story
         "See that wanker over there!?  That's what I call a wanker!"

         Hartnell goes way off script with -
         "Doctor, let us talk like gentlemen."
         "Thank you, no.  Now get out of here you bastard, we've
          got to talk like gentlemen!  What a splendid idea!"

Fashion Victims - The 17th century pirate costumes seem to be
                  rather Harley Davison influenced

Goofs - Why do the 17th century pirates handkerchief hats read
        "Anarchy In the UK"?

Links - We see the Doctor still has some Wanker's Gin, the Gin
        for Wankers, in episode 1 from The Gin Fighters

Technobabble - The Doctor is apparently worried about the 'polarity
               of the quartz flow' on his fake designer watches

Dialogue Disasters -

JEAN LUC TICKLER:  I'll give her a taste of French Tickler!

PIRATE: What flavour?
JOHN CLEESE: Dead Albatross flavour.
PIRATE: By the black albatross, I'll keelhaul ye from here to
        Port Royal!
JOHN CLEESE: Well I admit the black one may be a bad choice but
             this one is turning a lovely shade of green.

The painful scene when pirate and computer compression files are
mixed together -
DOCTOR: I'll .ZIP right to it!

Dialogue Triumphs -

DOCTOR: Damn IT!  Stop Snuggling!

DOCTOR: My dear snugglers, I know the secrets of the cosmos.
        I know the beginning of all things and the end of
        time.  I know the seasons and I know the tides.
        I know the victories and I know the regrets.  And
        I know when I've had too much of this crap!

Rumors & Facts -

The Snugglers presented many puzzling questions to the viewer at home.
Many people assumed that Ben and Polly only appeared in the start
of episode 1 and the end of episode 4 due to their schedules but
as it turns out they just fancied each other quite too much.
This was worked into the plot and advanced aggravations for the
Doctor.  At the same time things were similarly bad for Hartnell
himself.  For instance near the shooting stage he was annoyed
at other actors playing ping pong in the backround as he tried
to make random obscene calls on the BBC's phones.  He called
for an immediate ban to ping pong playing for the entire duration
of his run.  Apparently this was enforced as was discovered the
night of 17th September 1966 when Hartnell beat a stage hand
to death with a table tennis paddle.  This incident was of course
hushed up immediately and only recently uncovered in research of
the materials from the time.
Innes Lloyd and indeed most of the other members of the Doctor
Who project were working like crazy to get rid of Hartnell and
replace him right away.  After a screen test with Davy Jones
it was considered dropping all their current choices and just
hiring a lovable cigar smoking chimp in the role of the Doctor.
However, Bonzo, the chimp fell into legal problems shortly after
his interview at the BBC and was not able to take the role of
the Doctor due serious drug and banana charges levelled against
Sometime in the 1970s this story was thankfully found by rabid
religious fundamentalists and burnt as the work of Cthulhu, The
Dark One.  No known copies exist of this story at the present
time but certain radical organizations periodically threathen
it's full release.

The Doctor's cryptic quote at the end of The Snugglers -
"Next Time I'm Gunna Get Some Even If It Kills Me!"