The Tense Planet
An alternate Programme Guide by
Twenty-Ninth Entry in the Charles Daniels Unauthorized Programme Guide O'
Serial DD - The Tense Planet -
The story begins with the Doctor's cryptic quote at the end of The
Snugglers "Next Time I'm Gunna Get Some Even If It Kills Me!".
The TARDIS has landed in the late 1980s at a South Pole Space
Tracking Station where the survivors have just defeated John
Carpenter's The Thing. However now General Cutlery must face
the vile villains of The Tense Planet, Monday - earth's estranged
sister planet - which is raiding the refrigerators of the earth
and sucking the planet dry. The planet's inhabitants are The Cybermen,
cold, logical creatures with no emotions who enjoy hard core bondage and
domination like you wouldn't believe. They have been stuck in deep space
for millions of years they are incredibly sexually tense. Their original
naughty bits have been replaced with plastic and metal to make them
invulnerable and immune to nasty diseases.
The Cybermen take control of the earth; they plan to use the powerful
Z-bomb at the Antarctic Base to hold all mankind slaves to their
endless kinky desires. After they have grown bored of the human race
as flesh kinds they will convert them all to Cybermen to take on and
sexually conquest all other humanoid races in ever increasing numbers.
Ben is clear thinking after all the release he experienced in
The Snugglers and is easily able to out think the amazingly
frustrated Cybermen. Ben tricks the Cybermen into sending too
much advanced pornography back to their home planet Monday.
After years of sexual frustration it proves too much for the
Cybermen on the planet and they explode with delight. The
entire planet seems to melt, but that might NOT be melting rocks.
Without energy from the planet Monday the Cybermen on earth
can not survive very long. The remaining Cybermen seek out
the nearest possible flesh kind, a strange alien named The
Doctor, and roger him to death in the first and one of the most
disturbing regeneration scenes in the show's history.
Book(s)/Other Related - Doctor Who-The Only Good Doctor Is A Dead Doctor
Doctor Who & The Rogering Foes
Cyberporn Special Edition 1966
Adventures On The Tense Planet
Fluffs - Hartnell seemed confused for most of this story
"The refrigerator is being drained of it's energy by this
so-called planet Monday whatever it's called"
"I say I feel like crap..oh! I mean this body is..ahh
wearing a bit chin."
"So sexually frustrated are they? Well now I know how I
"So there is hope at last is there? Well then we shouldn't
be too optimistic but one must have hope in these circumstances.
Especially such hopeful ones like these."
Fashion Victims - As was often claimed by David Banks, the Cybermen
have Iron Wills
Goofs - Sometimes the cybermen start to swear and talk dirty before
their mouths open.
The script requires a cyberman to pass for human at a fancy
dress party which would almost work if he didn't spend the
whole time talking about Monday and threatening to kill everyone.
But then haven't we all been to parties like that?
During the infamous rogering scene one Cyberman's iron
will isn't as strong would be generally believed
Links - The Doctor babbles on about just about everything he's
ever done, most of it lies, all of it boring
Technobabble - The Cybermen use "orgasmatronic" energy. It
would be interesting to conduct studies of
energy in the "orgasma" range methinks.
Dialogue Disasters -
DOCTOR: We shall soon have company!
BEN: What out 'ere? What do you expect Santa Claus to come down
with a machine gun and a bag full of gorgeous super models?
DOCTOR: No, but that's a damn interesting mental image.
CUTLERY: I'm the general of this base and my son is in space!
DOCTOR: How very nice for you. Now piss off you're just a supporting
character and this is my close up.
Dialogue Triumphs -
DOCTOR: So this is my last story eh? Well then screw the script I'll
say whatever I want. Did I ever tell you about my pet monkey?
DOCTOR: One day I shall come back, yes one day i shall come back,
sure it will be a bad anniversary special with a dandy and
a clown but what can one do? Did I mention this is my
last story and I have a pet monkey?
Polly trying to talk to the Cybermen about how they should be more
careful about their sexual partners is perceptively criticized -
CYBERLEADER: There are people shagging all over your world and you
do not nag them.
DOCTOR: (his very last words, to Cybermen) You boys come around here
Rumors & Facts -
With the end of the Hartnell era Doctor Who would have to take many
new steps. William Hartnell had been strongly established
as the Doctor and Patrick Troughton was going to have to pull an
entire new characterization of the air and bullshit it till he got
it right. The mood and style of the stories would change, an
entirely new system of blackmail had to be devised to keep
Troughton in check as the old one had failed so miserably
with Hartnell, and most importantly the crew and supporting
cast wanted to get in on some of the rompy on stage sex that
Hartnell had monopolized all for himself.
The infamous sexual relations story arc came to an abrupt,
unpredictable, and thoroughly distasteful end. As a quantity
surveyor said at the time "My god!! They rogered that poor old man
to death!" It was from this disgusting scene that the reputation
of the vileness of the Cybermen was founded.
Kit Peddler, owner of a hobby shoppe, wrote this story and explains
that it is a Greek tragedy -
"Well I'd noticed the Doctor was out there trying to get some every
week - dressing like women, coming on to old ladies, running about
naked, trying to buy prostitutes, and it struck me that here was a
usually good bloke who had one fatal flaw. Anyway I thought up
some other sexually tense bastards as his silver nemesis if you
will. I'd always wanted to do a story where an old man
is raped to death by robots ever since studying Freud and this was
the perfect opportunity. I've written a new version of this same
story on alt.sex.fetish.robots, with more rogering."
The Tense Planet often held as a brilliant classic which is strange
because it is quite crap actually. Unfortunately rumors abound
keeping this story popular because episode 4 is missing. Research
reveals that the famous pornographic tv show "Blue Peter" borrowed
the last episode to show the rogering scenes in slow motion on
their own programme and that they loved it so much they never
returned it. This is very sad because that means there is a good
chance this story actually does exist in full somewhere.
One rumor is that the Cybermen in this story have a weakness to gold.
This is not true as it is quite clearly established that their
weakness is to porn, especially website oriented porn and newsgroups
A second very popular rumor is that the Cybervoices were computerized
to seem more alien. What was actually done is far more interesting.
The Doctor Who casting department went to an English school where
people were learning the english language for the first time and
gave them large experimental doses of LSD. The students got school
credit for reading the scripts and these recordings were later
dubbed over the open mouths of the cybermen. Unfortunately LSD
experimentation like this was quickly banned after 1966 and so
the BBC would actually be forced to come up with a different more
expensive and much less hilarious voice effect in later cyberstories.
However the original voices were otherworldly and scared the
audience filling them with an eerie menace. The frantic cyberscreams
and cyberdialogue make the last scene very freakish as they
begin to wear down and die in the pulsating disco lighting and
the Doctor begins to change. This has given many people nightmares
for over 30 years. I myself can never go to a disco without
the constant fear of being rogered by naughy cyborgs looking for
a bit of the old 'in out'.