Power Vac of the Dustbins

An alternate Programme Guide by Charles Daniels

Thirty-Second Entry in the Charles Daniels Unauthorized Programme Guide O'

Serial EE - Power Vac Of The Dustbins -

The Doctor is having a hard time living with himself.  He wakes
up covered in Cybermen corpses and crawls into the TARDIS in
utter disgust.  Inside the TARDIS Ben and Polly try to talk
to him but he insists that he is a penguin and penguins don't
talk to humans.  The Doctor experiences bizarre hallucinations
and after his traumatic experience of being rogered to death
by Cybermen he has the irresistible urge to shove phallic
instruments into his mouth and blow on them.  Luckily he has
a recorder nearby and just attaches himself to that.
A totally new personality seems to inhabit his new physical
form. He can complete most sentences without difficulty,
he rarely beats people with canes, and it seems that he is
not as sexually pathetic as his predecessor - however this
are just the initial observations of his companions.
Venturing out into the new world the TARDIS has taken them
to, the planet Vulcan in the year 2020, they discover the
body of a dead Star Trek fan.  The Doctor places on his
silly ears and impersonates him when members of a nearby
colony discover them.  Polly is worried that the new Doctor
really IS a Star Trek fan and they will be travelling to new
worlds with bumpy forehead aliens.   Ben refuses to believe
that his Doctor would act like such an annoying git.
It seems that the colony is hosting a Star Trek convention
and mistakes The Doctor for a convention guest from some
low budget BBC production.
While at the convention the Doctor discovers two inanimate
Dustbins.  At first he suspects they are just goofy looking
fan models but they are actually a NEW Dustbin design with
the deadly Power Vac attachments.  Chief Robotics Expert
and Life Long Celibate Dork, Lester, has discovered a third
Dustbin which he has reactivated.  Lester plans to use
the Dustbins as domestic servants.  Never again will he have
to clean his flithy room at his mother's house.  He believes
the Dustbins will be so useful and make him so rich that this
will be his one big shot at impressing someone - anyone!
However at the same time an underground of insanely fanatic
Blakes 7 fans are sick and tired of being ignored or being
made subject to bad Orac jokes.  The Blakes 7 fans unite
to capture the Dustbins and use them to overthrow the evil
Star Trek Convention.
What no one realises is that the Dustbins have already taken
over the convention, indeed they were it's vile organizers.
In own fell swoop the Dustbins plan to clean and exterminate
all the unwashed sci-fi geek losers in the cosmos - at least
the ones sad enough to take a rocketship to the planet Vulcan
solely for a 3 day SF event.
The Dustbins begin to inflitrate the dealers' room where they
are sold to Doctor Who, robot, and junk collectors.  The
collectors then take the Dustbins across the solar system
unaware of the menace they are bringing home.  The demand
is so high for full sized Dustbin models that no one thinks
twice about the gigantic Dustbin factory being operated to
"keep up with demand".   The Dustbins find their entire
organization funded by their unwitting victims.  When
enough of the Dustbins have been sold and taken away
they start an all out attack.   The Doctor, Ben, and
Polly are lucky to escape with their lives.  The Doctor
explains that the Dustbins use static electricity for
their power source and lays cling-free sheets on the ground
outside the convention building.  Ben and Polly walk back to
the TARDIS in normal fashion while wondering why the Doctor
is waddling like a penguin as he plays his recorder.

Book(s)/Other Related - Doctor Who And The Power Vac Of the Dustbins
                        Power Vac 2000 - The Dustbins' Arcade Classic
                        Vac 'N Suk - The Dustbins' Porno Classic

Fluffs - Hartnell seemed dead for all of this story
         When Troughton impersonates a crazed Trekkie
         he says "Lib long and phospher."

Fashion Victims -  The Doctor's goofy laytex pointy ears
                   And EVERYONE else at the sci-fi convention
                   many who make even the Doctor look normal

Fashion Triumphs - For once in Doctor Who had the budget for a
                   fashion triumph!  Polly, unable to get a proper
                   Star Fleet mini-skirt, was forced to run about
                   nude by a crazed bunch of fans who were always
                   curious what a girl looked like anyway.  The
                   general consensus being - "Definitely Not as
                   glossy as I imagined."

Goofs - There is obvious use of Dustbin photo blow ups
        (Could these just be Life size Stand-ups for the
         Science Fiction convention?)
        The Klingon guest at the convention screams "jegh"
        at an attacking Dustbin.  Jegh is the Klingon word
        for surrender however the Klingons had no word
        for surrender until meeting Captain Kirk who
        was not even born yet in 2020.

Links - The Doctor finds Vicki's dildo ('The Recast')
        and a key to a Dustbin door made of Dustbinium.
        There's also a brief mention of 'Michael Palin'
        ("Oh yes I met Michael Palin once, a silly man
          who sold dead parrots.")

Technobabble - The Dustbins promise Lester that with
               the secret of their power vac he can
               win over anyone he desires with
               "orgasmakinetic energy".

Dialogue Disasters -

When told his strange ideas for ridding the universe of the colour
mauve aren't practical The Doctor says -
"I may be a penguin, but I can still take flights of fancy."

DUSTBINS: Dustbins Clean and Tidy! (ad nausem)

POLLY: Let's help the Doctor into the TARDIS!
BEN: The Doctor?  What makes you think that weirdo is the
POLLY: Well what was that he said?  This body is wearing a
       bit chin?   I think he meant thin.
BEN: So he goes out and gets a new one?
POLLY: Sure!  I did!   Well, not a WHOLE new body I know, but it
       might be similar.

Dialogue Triumphs -

The new Doctor's first words are "So I've been rogered to death
by Cybermen have I? I'm never bringing this up again."

The Doctor refers to his past-self in 3rd person: "The Doctor
was a serious wanker wasn't he? "

When the Doctor can't wear his old ring Ben screams and says
that this proves he CAN'T be the real Doctor, to which he
replies: "Shove it up your arse Ben!"

The Doctor explains regeneration in an enigmatic way with:
"I've been renewed.  It's part of the TARDIS.  Without it
I'd be screwed."

The haunting question of a confused Dustbin:
"Why do science fiction fans kill other science fiction fans?"

DOCTOR (on Dustbins): It can do many things Lester, but the
                      thing it does most efficiently is
                      cleaning dirty lavatories.

DOCTOR: When I say run, run like a penguin!

Mel Smith's brilliant performance as the leader of the Blakes 7
fanatics provide many memorable moments.  He captures the
true essence of a Blakes 7 fan gone insane due to public
disinterest and ridicule.

Rumors & Facts -

Fans now often talk about how brilliantly intelligent and full of
foresight the original creators were to mastermind the concept of
regeneration.  The newest research shows this was merely a convenience
to get rid of Hartnell and keep him away from the wives of the cast and
Patrick Troughton himself had to overcome great resistence from the
audience.  Davin Wowe, a young Doctor Who fan said at the time -

"Who is this stupid penguin git?   What a bunch of no good crap!
I want THE DOCTOR!   The old sex obsessed wanker!"

While some fans were more optimistic and pointed out some of the
positive changes that were already apparent -

"Well at least this guy doesn't call everyone 'dear boy', say
'hmm!' and leer at young ladies like a naughty headmaster, hmm?"

And still others seemed to notice surprisingly little difference -

"I never noticed Hartnell was that short.  Why doesn't he take
off that silly Beatles' wig?"

However many of the above had horrible television reception, but
not enough to really make me feel assured in their intelligence.

There were MANY working titles for this story - "The Density of
Doctor Who", "Servants of Masters", "To Dust Or Not To Dust",
"Troughton Cutaway", and "Mr. Penguin Goes To A Party".
This title confusion meant it went under different names in
different countries even worse than in England.  In Australia
it played as "Ressurected Penguin Man Hates Dust", in many
communist countries it was badly edited and played under the name
"Mr. Penguin Fights For The Rightful Revolution Of The Proletariat".

Sadly due to a bizarre stream of controversial pornographic
films with similar names that were made in the 70s -
"Mr. Penguin Super Disco Silly Pants"
"Mr. Penguin And The School Girl Ray"
"Mr. Penguin of the Secret Service"
etc. etc.
- all copies of this story were burned in an anti-pornography protest
when participants believed these were films from the above series
and didn't realise they were Doctor Who stories.   Indeed
"Mr. Penguin Fights For The Rightful Revolution Of The Proletariat"
is a runner up in the Guiness World Book of Records for the
most banned and burned film in world history, losing out only to
the infamous 1939 X-rated version of The Wizard of Oz.

In character development it is often rumored that this episode
establishes that Ben grew up next to a brewery and had a headmaster
who was 'nicked for not paying his fares'.  However on closer
inspection of the audio and scripts I've discovered that Ben
says he lived IN a brewery and spent his childhood too drunk to
recall anything before he woke up in the middle of the sea as
a sailor with nickname "Nick, The Head Master".

There is a rumor that the monitor at the start of episode 3
is a television showing the weather forecast for the planet
Vulcan with an oxygen density of 172, temperature of 86 F, and
mercury deposits.  I am not pathetic enough to check that myself
so it's up to you!  I'm not to to give you any safe combinations

I guess the ultimate rumor about this story is that Troughton was
able to hold and pull together a totally convincing and wonderful
portrayal of the Doctor since his first second (bad bad choice
of words!) on camera.   This is of course completely TRUE and
I'm not just saying that because he's my favorite Doctor and
I dress like him at conventions.  It's completely objective on
my part.   Welp, off for recorder lessons so that's it for this