The High Philanderers
An alternate Programme Guide by
Thirty-Third Entry in the Charles Daniels Unauthorized Programme Guide O'
Serial FF - The High Philanderers -
The TARDIS lands during a bitchin' party in a Scottish castle in 1746.
Sure somewhere out there is the infamous battlefield of Culloden where
the Scots and Bonnie Prince Charlie have been defeated but at the
Campbell's castle it's all fun and games. A group of drunken traitors
smoke cannabis, drink whiskey, and have their way with their choice of
sheep that look like women or women that look like sheep. A dazed
loyalist, Jamie McCrimmon of the clan McCrimmon, wanders into the
castle and is surprised to see everyone celebrating. He is then
convinced that the Scots have won. Suddenly a band of drunken
British men charge the castle, somewhat because they hate all
Scots and are at war but mostly because they want to get dope,
booze, sex, and somewhere cleaner than England to stay to avoid
getting dysentery. The English try to hold their fornicating
foes prisoner in their own castle just as a matter of custom
however they are easily bribed and bought off as is also custom.
An untrustworthy English man, well one of them, decides he should
sell all the Scottish people into slavery, pocket the money, and
take the castle and it's riches for himself. The Doctor however
finds a good store of flintlock rifles and helps the Scottish people
use the too easily intoxicated English soldiers as target practice.
After all the Englishmen are killed the Scottish soldiers go off
to France and start to kill everyone there as well. The Doctor
can't bare the thought of going to France, not even with the sole
expressed purprose of killing the French, so he goes back into the
TARDIS with Ben, Polly, a whole bunch of booze and dope, and the
insane Scottish fellow Jamie McCrimmon of the Clan McCrimmon on
the promise that he will teach the Doctor how to play the bag pipes
and swear drunkenly at his adversaries in a thick Glaswegian accent.
Book(s)/Other Related - Doctor Who-The High Philanderers
Braveheart - The Extra Naughty Edition
Fluffs - Troughton seemed high off cheap weed for most of this story
A Scottish piper in this story apparently has dialogue
everyone in the story can understand but which is simply
too accented for anyone in the entire world to figure out.
The best I can do is the scene when the Englishmen first
show up it sounds like he says "Ah, duck those english
Fashion Victims - I may not be an expert in Scottish history but
a kilt reading "Lift this for a good time" is
probably not an accurate, definitely not a
tasteful, clan plaid.
The Doctor wears a paper hat shaped like a penguin
to impress young women with his artistic ability
and to annoy his companions
Goofs - The English leader threathens to give his men "six lashes
with his long pink whip" but we never see this whip in
The Jacobite rebellion is erroneously portrayed as a booze guzzling
orgy party rather than depicting this as a regular part of 18th
century Scottish life.
Links - The Doctor mentions a similar party/orgy he was at in Ireland
but with more booze and mushy peas
Technobabble - The Doctor mentions that the "Scotronic Device"
must be broken as that is the essential TARDIS
circuit that stops them from ever landing in
Dialogue Disasters -
"There is no plot!" Troughton remarks in the middle of the story
SCOTSMAN: Me sheep be the prettiest lass in the boggy slimy swamp
I call 'ome!
ENGLISHMAN: Wait! First we pillage THEN we burn, right?
Dialogue Triumphs -
DOCTOR (to two Scottish lasses): Will you both give me your word that
you'll molest me?
ENGLISHMAN (In the initial orgy): Take a man around the rear, sergeant.
DOCTOR (the keen observer): I've never seen a sober Irishman before.
Rumors & Facts -
This was a bizarre historical as it didn't completely ignored nearby
historical events so much as mock them and use them as excuses to
make fun of the English.
This could be due to the bizarre circumstances behind it's scripting.
Ewan McShane commissioned a freelance writer named Preston Gout about
writing an historical adventure. When he heard Preston had no ideas
for a story and only really was able to hold the job cause he's uncle
was Head of the Department of Serials he suggested a story about
Culloden might be a good idea. Some weeks later he checked up to
discover that Preston had made no progress on na historical story
but had written a lengthy rambling letter about his "cold den".
At the last minute McShane had to script something but he was a
notorious alcoholic. All four scripts were written hastily under
the influence of vodka, rum, whiskey, and cheap lager. He met the
deadlines and gave himself proper credit. It was then that the Head
of the Department of Serials demanded his nephew get screen credit
although he never wrote any of the script, never game up with a single
idea, and was reportly spending a month in an extremely cold den
to "get into the vibe of things". Ewan McShane was forced to praise
Preston Gout's screenwriting abilities to keep his job but at the
last moment in a show of support the title makers credited the writers
as "Ewan McShane and Pretentious Git".
This was the last script a Scottish person was allowed to write for
Doctor Who for a very long time.