The Macrame Terror
An alternate Programme Guide by
Thirty-Sixth Entry in the Charles Daniels Unauthorized Programme Guide O'
Special Thanks To David A. McIntee, somewhat for the suggestion of the
title but mostly so I could slap David A. McIntee's established name
on my Programme Guide. So go out and buy all the books by him you
can find, I have!
Serial JJ - The Macrame Terror -
The Doctor and friends find themselves in a decidedly futuristic
and tasteless holiday camp for the socially sad. The members of
the holiday camp make tacky knotted work home crafts. The Doctor
wonders why the hell these people would waste their time in such
a silly way and starts to expose them to poison gas out of pity.
Polly and Jamie think this is cruel at first but start to join
in the fun when Ben tries to report them. Ben is talking about
settling down, being a member of the community, and showing
around really quaint things he's done with thread and chord.
Jamie is sickened and wants to gas him immediately but the
Doctor explains his mind has been influenced by a local housewives
club and he is no longer responsible for his actions. The
Doctor is then informed by a local, Methadone, that giant crabs
are in control of this macrame manufacturing mischief! The
Doctor laughs his ass off for several minutes before kneeing
the poor insane fellow in the groin. Later it turns out that
the man was correct. Apparently some giant crabs have found a
planet so pathetic that there is a market for imported macrame items
and they have turned the unknowing members of the holiday camp into
sad gits. The Doctor nicknames these macrame loving crustaceans
"Macra" for short and quickly devises the following recipe
for the crabs -
THE MACRA TERIYAKI
* 1 tablespoon vegetable oil
* 340 pound teriyaki seasoned Macra cut into 1/4-inch thick strips
* 2 cups (8-ounces) broccoli slew mixture
* 1/4 cup teriyaki sauce
* 1/4 cup water
* 3 cups cooked rice
* 2/3 cup evil
Heat a gigantic skillet over medium-high heat until hot. Add Macra;
cook and stir 3 to 5 minutes or until Macra is dead. Add broccoli slew
mixture, teriyaki sauce and water. Reduce heat to medium, cover and
steam in poisonous gas 3 to 5 minutes until Macra is tender. Stir in
rice; cook and stir 2 to 3 minutes until combined and thoroughly
heated. Serve immediately in case Macra wakes up.
Makes 400 servings.
Each serving provides 310 calories, 26 grams protein, 4 grams fat, 40
grams carbohydrate, 2 grams dietary fiber, 56 milligrams cholesterol
1036 milligrams sodium, 503 grams of terror, and a very distinctive
After cooking up the improvised recipe the Doctor holds a feast
for everyone who has been freed of their sick macrame addiction.
Watching drugs, sex, crime, and violence spread through the
holiday camp the Doctor smiles, kung fu kicks some adoring locals,
and runs into the TARDIS with his companions before it gets vandalized.
Book(s)/Other Related - Doctor Who & The Macrame Menace
Doctor Mysterio - Crabs El Loco Itchy-Stitchy
Handicrafts For The Mentally Insane
The Doctor Who Alien Menace Cookbook
Fluffs - Troughton seemed violent for most of this story
This story is notorious for fluffs as the cast often
mumbles and rants on and on about macrame projects
and it becomes hard to tell what has actually been
scripted and what the actors are just making up and
bullshitting on the spot. At times people will have
nervous breakdowns and scream wild obscenities when
they run out of thread to knot
Fashion Victims - The Doctor's is forced to wear a silly wig
that is made for him by Ben out of scraps of
corduroy. "Who the hell wants this on their
head??" asks the Doctor. Later he throws
himself into a giant clothes dryer to have
an excuse to lose the wig but then his goofy
hair sticks straight up due to static electricity
Goofs - Flippy The Wonder Crab is played by different crabs
in episodes 1 and 4. [Several crustacean union leaders
are up in claws about this issue]
With voices like the Macra have why didn't they just
go into radio, voice over on commericals, or operate
kinky phone sex services instead of dominating a macrame
Technobabble - The Doctor explains the gassing of the macrame
cult members is okay via "the complex intricacies
of the oscillating morality damn funny thing to do"
Dialogue Disasters -
JAMIE: Would you call the ladies off? I'm frightened what they
might do to me!
DOCTOR: Don't you like rompy sex Jamie?
JAMIE: Aye that's fine but I think they are trying to weave me
into a damn pretzel!
The Doctor discovering that Jamie and Ben are sleeping in the same
quarters: "Well, this is gay!"
On the BBC audio version narrator Colin Baker describes Jamie
"tossing restlessly" while in the same room with Ben.
The Controller echoes Dynaman - "Dynamen! Check your watches!"
The PILOT shouts: The holiday camp is in the hands of grotesque
Dialogue Triumphs -
VILLAGE IDIOT: It's a responsible job!
METHADONE: Have fun while you can before they CRAFT ALL OVER YOU!
The Doctor and Companions watching people hum happily while making
tacky handicrafts -
DOCTOR: Who the hell wrote this script? He should be sent to
the danger gang, not us.
DOCTOR: You can't arrest now that we've humoured you all and told
you we actually like your macrame crap!
DOCTOR: Bad laws were made to be broken!
POLLY: But wait, that law is perfectly sensible!
DOCTOR: Good laws were made to be broken!
JAMIE: EH? Are you so sure about that?
DOCTOR: Damn it! There are laws here and I want to break them! OKAY?!
Rumors & Facts -
This story had several working titles some of which were -
"The Sad Bastards", "The Macrame Menace", "A Bad Case of The Crabs",
and "The Girly-Men".
The opening episode of this story saw the debut of the first new
opening title sequence since Doctor Who began in 1963. Variety Lamby
found the original opening sequence too scary so a new sequence
with Troughton making silly faces and different prowl-around
effects were generated to make the opening more wacky. Ironically
this new opening scared many more children with Troughton appearing
out of nowhere then partially dissolving into a strange eerie vortex,
so that makes me sadistically happy.
Some fans claim that in frame 24 the prowl-around effect spells
the word "Sex" but these are the same people who watch Disney films
Only one giant crab was built, it was built by an incredibly
incompetent man, and it shows.
For a missing story this has a surprisingly few bizarre rumors
floating about. The only real rumor is that the locals of the
holiday camp are happy go lucky charming actors. Personally I
feel they are happy go lucky but I'd really love to smash their
annoying little skulls in with a bat.