The Feckless Ones
An alternate Programme Guide by
Thirty-Seventh Entry in the Charles Daniels Unauthorized Programme Guide O'
Special Thanks To David A. McIntee, somewhat for the suggestion of the
title but mostly so I could AGAIN slap David A. McIntee's established
name on my Programme Guide. So go out, buy all his books, and worship
a false idol in his image, I have!
Serial KK - The Feckless Ones -
It is Gatwick Airport in 1966 and the TARDIS materialises on the
runway in front of an oncoming jet. The Doctor is yelled at for
piloting the TARDIS wasted on cheap booze and he runs out of the
TARDIS screaming. Everyone hides to avoid airport security
on the look for a bunch of drunken hooligans who love to place
police boxes in front of oncoming aircraft - the strange hooligan
sport of the mid-60s. While Polly hides in a hanger she witnesses
aliens having rompy sex orgies with young persons. Polly is invited
into the rompy sex fest if she denies her friends. Happily she takes
the name Michelle Leuppi and joins the party. The Doctor, Ben, and
Jamie discover that there is rompy sex in the hanger and are
incredibly angry that they aren't invited to join in like Polly.
Immediately the Doctor and Jamie march to report it while Ben
tries to sneak into the cult. The Doctor and Jamie tell the
airport authority and they are very keen to uncover this sort of
thing going on so they can get into the action themselves.
The airport authorities can't track down the cult members
as they hide in crates immediately.
Everyone gets incredibly angry at the Doctor for letting their hopes
up and they devise new and bizarre tortures to inflict on him involving
in-flight magazines. The Doctor begs for a chance to prove his story
and out of desperation they allow him free access throughout the airport.
He uncovers that a pathetic race of aliens is twisting the minds of young
travellers at the airport and conning them into joining a swingers
club of 50,000 young men and women. The Doctor and Jamie set
out to expose the aliens who are shocked to have been discovered
before they finally left for their own planet to start a new
publication called "Play Being". The Doctor rescues the 50,000
swingers from the weak aliens against their will. Exposed
and known to the authorities of earth the aliens decide to move
on to the next world on their list. The young swingers shuffle
back to their homes, grumbling and disappointed. Ben and Polly
are so outraged at the Doctor for spoiling their fun that they
refuse to see him ever again.
Book(s)/Other Related - Doctor Who & The Horny Aliens
Feeble Aliens In Fiction - Doctor Who Edition
Doctor Mysterio - Le Alienes La Orgie
Fluffs - Troughton seemed sexually frustrated for most of this story
"Oh fiddlesticks! My dear! Had I known that I would have..
well great gobstoppers what the flip-a-paluza is that?"
Fashion Victims - The Feckless Ones wear pancakes over their
heads for most of the story
Goofs - Why is it that young nubile men and women could be so
easily seduced by a race of puny aliens who spend most
of their time re-gluing pancakes to their faces?
Technobabble - The Doctor uses Jamie's tern of "flashy death gun"
throughout the story even though everyone knows
the official scientific term is "ray gun".
Link - In one scene we see Hartnell trying desperately to be
molested by a Wank Machine in the backround
Dialogue Disasters -
Joe Norton wrote in his diary on 15 April 1967 -
"Watched Doctor Who on television. Rubbish...but there's one
boy on there I'd really like to molest with a giant vibrating.."
This is thought to be a reference to Christopher Tranchell
or Frazer Hines.
Dialogue Triumphs -
When he sees Polly working behind the bar -
DOCTOR: Make it a double!
Polly and Ben have an interesting conversation with the Doctor about
continuity matters -
POLLY: Doctor! This is July 19th! The day before we left!
DOCTOR: I guess so.
BEN: Well don't you see the vast potential? We could go into
London, find the other TARDIS, and you could warn yourself
about the up coming disaster with the Cybermen!
POLLY: Yes then you'd still be alive!
DOCTOR: Leave the temporal engineering to me, okay.
BEN: But surely you can't turn this down! You'll never get another chance.
DOCTOR: I'm glad the old wanker is dead quite frankly.
POLLY: But you're him!
BEN: And he's you!
DOCTOR: And if either of you say "And we are all together" I'll punch
your teeth out.
Rumors & Facts -
There is a rumor that the stories The Wank Machines and The Feckless Ones
overlap seamlessly into one perfect tale. Actually these stories ignore
each other as greatly as possible. Indeed at this point we are meant
to believe the wank machines threathen to conquer all of earth while
at the same time the Feckless Ones are busy planning to get all the
young men and women off the earth. Could it be that the Feckless Ones
were doing it out of pity so the youth of earth wouldn't be dominated
by machines? Is it possible the Doctor totally screwed up? It is
likely I'm just angry that we had a story about galactic orgies and
we never ONCE see Polly get her kit off in this story to a bit of
the old zero-g sensual aerobics?!? YUP! That's it.