Obsessive Compulsive Disorder Of The Dustbins

An alternate Programme Guide by Charles Daniels

Thirty-Eighth Entry in the Charles Daniels Unauthorized Programme Guide O'

Serial LL - Obsessive Compulsive Disorder Of The Dustbins -

1. What's This Crap?    5. The Slob Factor
2. The Urge Tightens    6. Obsessive Compulsive Disorder of the Dustbins
3. A Trial of Wank      7. The Naughty End Of the Dustbins
4. A Test Of Will

The TARDIS is stolen from Gatwick airport and driven off in an ice
cream truck.  The Doctor and Jamie are easily distracted when they
buy ice cream and don't realise the TARDIS has been nicked even
as they purchased Astro Pops!   Jamie is horrified that the
TARDIS has been stolen but the Doctor doesn't seem to give a damn.
Instead he wanders into an antique sex shoppe looking for 19th
century erotic literature.  After buying a few S&M Victorian
novels and dancing with some kids in a diner for no reason
other than the plug the Dustbins new album "Dust Masters Vol II"
the Doctor realises that the TARDIS was taken to the same
antique sex shoppe he'd just visited.  The cover story is
that a young couple had the kinky desire to have sex inside
of a police call box.  The Doctor rushes forth with Jamie so
he can watch but is stunned when he finds himself, Jamie,
and the shoppe's owner, Edward Waterfield, transported back
to 1869.
They are now in the house of Theodore Huxtible, who, with
Waterfield's help, has devised a method of time-travel involving
sheep, laytex - and the Dustbins!
The Dustbins are cleaning Waterfield's daughter, Victoria,
repeatly, again and again.  They refuse to release Victoria
until they have cleaned her completely and many attempts
at rescue have failed because she just seems to be enjoying
the whole thing too much.
The Dustbins feel they have failed to conquer humanity because
of something lacking in their own character.  They force the
Doctor to generate something called "The Slob Factor" to
create an army of Super Dustbins.  The Doctor gives Jamie
a plate of ribs, a large pizza, and a curry with naan bread
so he can register his every emotion and action whilst he
eats.  After the meal Jamie is angry that the Doctor is
not coming forth with all he knows and isn't letting him
read the pornographic novels he bought, so he sets out to
rescue Victoria in spite.  The Doctor feels horrible for
using his old friend but his must work on putting the Slob
Factor into three experimental Dustbins.   The experiment
backfires for the Dustbins as these new Super Dustbins
refuse to tidy their rooms, play ball in the house, and
use their attachments and not silverware whilst eating meals.
The Dustbins discover a love of football, lager, and swearing.
Finally the regular Dustbins can take no more when they
discover the Super Dustbins hooking up adult cable channels
illegally.   All the Dustbins are recalled back to Fargo where
the Emperor Dustbin reveals the true purpose of the experiment.
The Emperor plans to inject the Doctor with the "Dustbin Factor"
which he will take back to Earth, and turn it's inhabitants
into Dustbin-like creatures with an obsessive compulsive
disorder to tidy, re-tidy, and to check the stove again before
tidying some more.
The Doctor is passed through a machine for transforming Humans
into mental Dustbins - but remains unaffected because he's not
human!!   This shows the Dustbins also had the IQ of the grime
they were so intent on destroying.   Completely fooling the
idiotic Dustbin Emperor the Doctor is able the slobize some
of the Dustbins.    Soon civil war erupts on Fargo between
Manchester United supporting Dustbins and Liverpool FC supporters,
why no one will ever know.   The Doctor feels no love for his
unkempt Dustbin creations and allows the war to continue
and rage on while he runs away as quickly as possible.
On the way to the TARDIS he sees Jamie and Victoria standing
around lost and decides that saving their lives would be
a good first impression and seriously help his awakening
feelings of sexual desire.

Book(s)/Other Related - Doctor Who Diagnoses The Obsessive
                        Compulsive Disorder Of The Dustbins
                        Dust Masters Vol II - LP, Cassette, CD
                        The Slob Factor - A Guide To Fandom

Fluffs - The Dustbins seemed friendly for most of this story
         People continually call Waterfield "Wankerfield"
         and refer to the planet "Fargo" as "Studio 5B".

Fashion Victims - Edward Waterfield goes around topless in
                  fishnet stockings but his 19th century
                  French maid goes around in a conservative

Goofs - In episode two a BBC camera, camera man, reporter, and
        catering van get into the shot when Victoria bends over.
        The massed Dustbins of the final battle are obviously
        tacky toys with the words "Doctor Who" painted on the
        Why not just kidnap the Doctor and Jamie?  Since Jamie
        is so essential to Dustbin plans, why is the food they
        serve him so obviously revolting?  Why did they rely
        on establishments like Kwik Kurry, Kebab Kid, and Pizza 2 Go?
        Couldn't hopeful world dominators afford better food?
        How do they know he's a slob anyway?

Technobabble - The Doctor explains the time travel theory developed
               by the two scientists works under the complicated
               "Orgamso-Disgusto" principal

Link - The Doctor mentions that he has not been so disgusted by
       any enemy since The Tense Planet.  He also brags that
       he has shagged a Chinese girl - Michael Palin or some
       Missing Adventure?

Dialogue Disasters -

Dire Dustbin dialogue disasters -
"You will not clean the flying pests outside"
"Ditzy Doctor!"
"You are evil Doctor.  You have not bought our number one album!"
"Clean her again!"
"Tidy Without Mercy!"
"When we sweep clean the slobs a new sparkling bright future will
shine for the dustbins!"

Extra special mention for Theordore Huxtible's terrible grammar
and sentence structure
Theo: All that you see here will be yours!
Doctor: What, the curtains?
Theo: No Doctor!  Everything you see here which was created by us
      to that is we the people will be yours which we made.
Doctor: But I don't want land!
Theo: Eh? Oh...I see.  You'll take land and you'll marry Princess
      Gwendale and you'll like it!
Doctor: But I want to sing, sing, sign!
Theo: Oh no!!  None of that!

Dialogue Triumphs -

Molly (The French maid) says to Jamie -
I know what it's like with soldiers, you just storm in, accomplish
your mission, and pull out.

The Doctor (in a reflective mood): I am not a student of Human Nature.
I am a professor of a much wider academy of which Human Nature is
merely a part!
Jamie: Oh so you like all the NAs then?

Rumors & Facts -

There is a rumor that Terry Nation was paid 1500 pounds an episode for the
use of the Dustbins while the man who designed the Dustbins was given a
pink slip from the BBC for failing to ever come up with any ideas and
his revolutionary new diet of eating mouldy shoes to survive.  This rumor
is inaccurate as the BBC would simply never be that generous.  Terry
was lucky to get 15 pounds per episode and the actual designer had
long ago been fired and driven to eating his own mouldy shoeless feet.
It is interesting to note that the 1992 audio release story had
a scene cut at the Tricolour Bar because the song "Rubbishbin Duster"
was playing in the backround and they didn't want to pay Nation anymore
At this time it was felt that the Dustbins had been used to the limit
of their potential in the series so this story was written to kill
them off and set the stage for Terry Nation's new series of projects -

"Dustbins - The Musical"
"Dustbins American Style"
"El Loco Dustbins El Grande"
"Dustbins, A Love Story"
"The Adventures of Max Dustkiller, Secret Space Security Service Agent"
"Nestle Candy Bar Dustbin Comics"
"In God We Dust"
"Dustbins, An Educational Short On Hygiene"
"Lust In The Dust"
"The Dustbins Go West"
And the short lived
"Dustman - Private Eye"

Each of these projects fell apart in planning or failed to live up to
their potential.  The most successful was "Dustbins - The Musical"
which toured for over 12 years until the public finally decided a musical
about animated dustbins who face oppression and social strife in
Post-Revolutionary France was a bit contrived and unbelievable.
Their were public relations gymnastics happening behind the
scenes.  One of the key reasons the Dustbins actually left Doctor
Who turned out to be a grab for a good public image.  Producers
and Marketing Executives explained that the Dustbins Mop Combo couldn't
sustain their "Lovable Mutants From Liverpool" image with the public if
they were the vile enemies of the Doctor every week.  The Dustbins
visited schools, did charity work, and went all out to be very
polite and friendly in front of the media.  It seemed they'd been
spin doctored completely - gone was the vile world destroying
menace and here was the lovable Dustbin plush dolls and bubblegum pop
love songs.
Meanwhile on the Doctor Who scene the fans of the Dustbins were outraged
that their favorite foes had been exterminated.  The summer of 1967
saw many riots and public outcry for the Dustbins immediate return.
Dweezil Guppy, head of the insane fan group movement, was quoted saying
"Give me Dust, Or Give Me Death."
Rumors have it that at this time the general public was still in
love with those adorable cleaning mutants but in fact it was only
the seriously deranged who still gave a toss about them.
Most notable about this story other than the destruction of the
dustbins were the letters of complaint recieved at the BBC over
the gratuitous full body cleaning scenes of the Dustbins torturing
Victoria.  At the time the BBC said it was a multi-layered and
complex issue dealing with people of various backrounds all
approaching the material from different perspectives.  A modern
analysis of the complaints however shows two clear cut sides.
The first being old ladies who felt the scenes were far too graphic
in nature and men of all ages who complained they just didn't go
far enough, many of them providing questionable pictures of women
they claimed to be seeing on a regular basis.
I myself as the programme guide author must remain informative and
neutral, but DAMN some of those pictures were good!  There was
this one with a woman and a bottle of milk and she was...ahh..
YES anyway as I said it was a complex issue dealing with people
of various backrounds all approaching the material from different
Past all the rumor, the flith, the muck, the gore, one thing is clear -
The Dustbins would be back, and they would be very very naughty little
wankers indeed.