The Room of the Cybermen

An alternate Programme Guide by Charles Daniels

Thirty-Ninth Entry in the Charles Daniels Unauthorized Programme Guide O'
Extra special thanks to Gary Wilkins for some provided material

Serial MM - Room Of The Cybermen -

Victoria has joined Jamie and the Doctor in the TARDIS.
Immediately the Doctor sets forth a plan of action to
explore his sexual desires.  He convinces Victoria that
her old formal dresses just aren't suited to vile alien
worlds but that wearing a mini-skirt showing her legs off,
like brave old Jamie has conceeded to do, is ideal.
This unfortunately backfires when Jamie and Victoria opt to
have the sexually frustrated Doctor judge whose got the
better legs.  He tries to offer the winner a special
prize vacation in his bedroom but they think he's joking
and laugh it off.
The TARDIS eventually lands on the planet Telos where the time
travellers meet an expedition from earth.  Apparently the Cybermen
borrowed a stash of pornographic magazines and films from the human
race and have refused to return them over the last 500 years.
Noted porn archaeologists hope to gain entry into the sealed
off room of the Cybermen, discover their secrets, and retrieve
the lost pornography of mankind.  All seems to be going well,
they avoid the initial death traps set by the cyberfiends however
this only gains them access to a complex and mystifying control
room.  The Doctor of course realises this is just an elaborate
ruse so that brilliant scientists will become obsessed with
solving the puzzles of the advanced technology which doesn't
really lead them into the Cybermen's room anyway.   The Doctor
slips by the scientists and enters a small door marked "GENTS"
which is the true entrance to the cyberlair.  The Doctor
finds the most horrific site of his life behind that door -
a room that has not been cleaned in five centuries!
A Giza-sized pyramid of soda pop cans is dwarfed by a
stack of egg cartons in which the Cybermen live.  Porn,
posters, candy wrappers, dirty washing, and junk mail
form a maze of terror in this revolting place.
It is not long before the other archaeologists also stumble
into this wretched abode as they mistook it for an actual
"Gents" room.
The scientist are horrified to see the Cybermen still alive
and even MORE terrified to see what they are doing with the
ancient pornography!  In rage they try to act out to save
it from vile cyberhands but one of their own members, Klieg,
betrays them.  Klieg wants to help the Cybermen sexually
dominate the galaxy.  He wants to use their strength and
sexual frustration allied with his massive pornography
collection to create an invincible force for conquest.
However it turns out that the room is nothing more than
a trap to lure porn loving humans into the cult of the
The Doctor has to defeat the stealthy Cyberbrats, small
and deadly cybernetic children of the insane porn loving
Cybermen, and deal with their naughty parents as well.
All seems dreadful and certain doom, all odds are against
our heroes, will they defeat the Cybermen and survive?
Of course!  It's a Doctor Who story!  They wouldn't
get very far if they killed the Doctor every week now
would they?

Book(s)/Other Related - Doctor Who Cleans The Room Of The Cybermen
                        Cyberslob Fanzine - Slash Fiction Paradise #1
                        A CyberGuide To Dreadful Cyberbrats

Fluffs - The Cybermen seemed drunk and high for most of this story
         "OI!" Remarks a Cyberman for no apparent reason

Fashion Victims - Victoria seems too damn happy to change from
                  her Victorian gown to the super mini-mini-skirt.
                  This gave me so much hope she'd be a swinger in
                  this story but alas it just wasn't enough.
                  This story features anoraks which have things
                  printed on them like "Kiss Me I'm Irish",
                  "Will Work For Sex", and the most questionable
                  of all "My Other Anorak Is An Anorak"

Goofs - In episode one the Doctor and Jamie seem to have
        a much more difficult time getting Victoria's
        clothes back on than I could seriously believe.
        They must have been stalling..lucky bastards.
        The Cybermen sometimes wank backwards, the film
        having been reversed.
        The Cybermen claim that the first nude picture
        of Betty Page was in "Men's Life Magazine August 1953
        on page 46", however after months of diligent research
        I have uncovered a nude from May 1950. I have dedicated
        some of the better years of my life toward total accuracy
        in this field.  There are current rumors about a June
        1948 picture but this was too blurry for my own purposes.
        The Cybermen's room features a psychedelic view
        screen that plays repeats of Fireball XL5 and that
        can hypnotise humans, which doesn't really make
        sense.  If the Cybermen have such a screen
        you'd think they'd play something like
        "Devil Space Vixens Girls 2: Final Blow Out" or
        "Cybersubmission 5: Farewell to The Flesh"
        not some weird...Puppet Who!

Technobabble - Victoria asks the Doctor to compare their legs
               based on the "leg lickin' good factor"
               The Doctor explains that Victoria's presence
               has unleashed a chain reaction of "Electra-Climatic
               energy" and he subsequently leaves the scene for
               the next 15 minutes!

Link - The Doctor mentions that the Cybermen have changed designs
       since The Loonbase and that their iron wills are scarier
       than ever.

Dialogue Disasters -

SCIENTIST: I can't believe it!  An ordinary Gents room, out here
           in space, can take you to a junkyard!

Dialogue Triumphs -

The Doctor to Klieg -
DOCTOR: Perhaps the Cybermen are quite as disgusting as you imagine,
        Spanky Boy.

KLIEG: This is a unique pornological would be a pity
       to miss aim!


The scene between Klieg and The Doctor -
KLIEG: How do you get any in the first place?
DOCTOR: Oh, I used my own, special technique.
KLIEG: Oh, really, Doctor...and may we know what that is?
DOCTOR: Keeping my eyes closed and my mouth open!

The Doctor taunts Klieg about his Cyberfiend Friends -
KLIEG: With the Cybermen's unique perversion and my access to
       the latest porn techniques we shall forge a perfect
       alliance!  They will make excellent use of our
       advancements and resources.
DOCTOR: Then I shall leave you to the Cybermen.  I am sure
        they will have some use for you...well the naughty
        bits of you anyway.
KLIEG: What do you mean??  The Cybermen would never betray me!
DOCTOR: I thought you were stupid but now I know for sure.

The classic scene between Jamie and Victoria -
JAMIE: Do you see all these models in these magazines???
VICTORIA: Yes and I think it's disgusting!
JAMIE: So you don't see yourself posing like that do you?
VICTORIA: We will change the subject please thank you.

The classic scene between The Doctor And Victoria -
DOCTOR: Have you seen all these models in these magazines???
VICTORIA: What?  Oh Doctor, I feel so horrible about my father.
DOCTOR: Well he wouldn't see the pictures surely.
VICTORIA: It's just so hard to go on.
DOCTOR: I had a family once you know.  I have to really want to,
        to bring them back in front of my eyes.  The rest of the
        time....they sleep in my mind and I forget...well not
        the chainsaw, the blood, the explosions and the trial,
        but let's just say there's a big difference between
        indictment and conviction.

The magically classic age revealing scene -
DOCTOR: Well if we count in Earth terms I suppose I must be about 400,
        yes, about 450 years old!  Yes.  Well. Quite.
VICTORIA: Wow!  Really Doctor?
DOCTOR: Eh?  Damn you idiots will believe anything I say won't you?

DOCTOR: Our sex lives are different from anybody else's, that's the
        exciting thing!  Nobody in the universe can have the kinky
        sex we're having.

Rumors & Facts -

The story was missing for 25 years and therefore a number of interesting
things can be said about it.  First, it was returned by a Hong Kong
Television station that had returned Web of Fear episode 1 promising
several more episodes to follow if the BBC wanted them.  The BBC
did not contact this station or hear from them again until they forced
the 4 parts of the Room of the Cybermen into their hands, again expressing
they were getting tired of having all these complete Troughton stories in
pristine condition laying around.  They reported that they had considered
burning them but that it was silly and no one would ever really go out and
do such a thing.  The BBC to this day has never contacted the Hong Kong
television station even when they threatened to return The Jimmy
Carter Menace in full.
It was believed this story was a perfect tale with no flaws.
Sure the Cybermen tended to quack electronically, visible wires
held up the infamous "French Singing Wanking Cyberman",
and the Cyberbrats were never really explained in any way
but people tend to overlook these or deny their existence.
In 1992 a group of fanatical who worshippers, sad scarf wearing fiends,
again gathered in Milton Keynes, to praise Demnos for the return
of all four episodes completely intact.   During this crazed
orgy of the sad someone showed up as a Dustbin and a flock of lawyers
and agents swooped down from the sky to sue everyone.
Meanwhile, the BBC was so happy to have the episodes back that they
aired the story right away in late 1998!
This story is often seen as the best Cyberman story of all time.
It has been described as "100 Minutes of Sheer Perversion",
"The Weirdest Story Featuring Antique Pornography", and most
frequently "Everything I ever dreamed it to be, Doctor Who at
it's sickest and most disturbing".
While writing this Programme Guide entry I was approached by
a group of shadowy figures who offered me 50 pounds to write
a really stunning review of this story as to increase BBC Video
sales of this title.  I expressed my shock, my hesitation,
and my general disgust at their proposal.  They apologised and
changed their offer, which is why I have to say the Room of
the Cybermen is far and above the best Doctor Who story ever
conceived.   Michael Palin, The Serves You Right, The Lark,
The Tense Planet, Power Vac of the Dustbins, they're all CRAP
in comparison.  When I first saw this story my dog burst into
tears.  Ladies and Gentlemen, my dog, my loyal friend and
companion, sat next to me and cried at the end of this story.
That's quality.  You can't fight that.  When a full grown
pit bull burst into tears of joy that says something about
a television programme.