The Curse of Paddington

Sixty-Third Entry in the Charles Daniels Unauthorized Programme Guide O'
Calamari

 Serial MMM - The Curse Of Paddington -

The Time Lords decide the punishment of exile shouldn't actually restrict
the Doctor from leaving earth, for some cheap plot contrivance.  The
Doctor allows Jo to tag along because she is the only creature in the
universe with clothes more feminine than his own.  They arrive on the
futuristic planet Paddington, which is actually the last ex-space-colony
of the old  United Kingdom Nation State which was turned into a museum by
greedy American film makers.  The people of Paddington are the last
survivors of British culture and most are loyal to the old ways of King,
Country, and Lager.  The planet Paddington has just applied for trade
opportunities with the American Galactic Technocratic Federation Of Pure
Evil And Greed.  King Paddington and Chancellor Toby favour trade; High
Priest Hashish does not, as he prefers to watch re-runs of Dad's Army and
laugh all day getting baked off his arse.
Toby is murdered, and Paddington Bear, a semi-mythological lovable giant
man-eating teddy bear, is blamed.
The Doctor arrives and is taken for a delegate from the AGTFOPEAG
immediately for no good reason, other than a secondary cheap plot
contrivance.  Other delegates have arrived: Alpha Sintauri, Narcturus, and
Igloo of The Ice Cream Vendors.
The delegates have arrived to trade not technology, science, reform, or
raw materials, but the secret of ice cream.  For thousands of years the
English have perfected the flavours vanilla, chocolate and strawberry
with optional topping of raspberry or stabbed in flake candy bar, beyond
all others in the cosmos.  Although specializing in these narrow fields
they have very limited, if any, research in flavours such as Bubblegum
Blast, Mint Mocha Chip, or even Strawberry Fanana Banana Surprise!
The Doctor is immediately suspicious when the Ice Cream Vendors start
passing out free samples.  The free samples themselves are a notorious
Ice Cream Vendor tactical attack trick...but the nature of these samples
is like none ever seen before - Mint Chocolate Chip, Rocky Road, and Pina
Colada.
The Ice Cream Vendors unnerve the Doctor by acting TOO nice.
Confused and certain they will prove nasty by the end of episode 3, the
Doctor constructs a super science device out of some teddy bear clothes
and a beer mat capable of completely destroying the Ice Cream Vendors.
When the second murder occurs the Doctor is put on trial to the death
and made to fight the deadly Paddington Bear in a ring of roped combat.
They hope to be able to sell the event PayPerView in a spectacle that
would make professional wrestling proud but nothing goes as planned.
The Doctor easily soothes the paddington bear with some cheap matel toys
music and discovers that the English had genetically engineered the giant
Paddington Bears as a living symbol of their once proud culture.
When he is found innocent of the murder from the result of the trial by
combat the Doctor sets out to kill the Ice Cream Vendors.
Luckily before he activates the final setting on his odd device, one of
the eyes of the teddy bear falls off rendering the entire invention
harmless.
The Doctor decides if you can't beat them, join them!  After joining the
Ice Cream Vendors, and gaining the honourable title of His High Creaminess,
he discovers they were innocent all along.  With the help of the Ice Cream
Vendors he realises what the audience at home figured out half-way through
episode one, that Hashish and his unlikely ally Narcturus are behind the
murders.
The Doctor defeats Narcturus by blowing his cover and also exposes
Hashish. The Priest orders Paddington Bear to brutally murder the King by
pulling him apart limb by limb, but this is clearly too gory a scene for
children's television so good old Paddington Bear says "No" to that little
bit of naughtiness.  Powerless Hashish decides to split town fast before
the authorities find out how he earned his unique name.
The Doctor also has to run like hell when the REAL bunch of Greedy Space
Americans arrive to exploit the people of Paddington.

 Book(s)/Other Related - Doctor Who Kills Innocent Ice Cream Men
                         Doctor Mysterio Nuevo Flavouros El Wacky!
                         Paddington Bear - Descent Into Evil

 Fluffs - Pertwee seemed stuffed for most this story
          Jo is often incomphrensible when she says anything to anyone
          in anyway in this story - this being one of the stronger
          examples of her acting.
          Jo falls in love with the sexist, gullible, and idiotic
          King Paddington because he gives her a cute little teddy
          bear as a gift...even though in his culture it is a token
          of doom, death and despair and is considered a cursed object
          of awe and damnation...that's ONE WEIRD Gift to choose for
          an opening move!

 Fashion Victims - Jo pink party frock mixed with yellow knee high socks
                   and of course her wise decision to keep the platform
                   high heels on as she tries to walk on crumbling narrow
                   ledges during a hurricane

 Goofs - There's only one bed in the Doctor's quarters even though they
         are shared between the Doctor and Jo...mmm..hey wait a minute!

 Technobabble - "No!  The eye has fallen off!  Now the teddy bear neutron
                 shot gun I've hastily constructed is without a proton
                 cap!"

 Links & References - The Doctor keeps mumbling about flavours he'd
                      expect from the Ice Cream Vendors like Victoria
                      Surprise or Cyanide Reality Twinkle

 Untelevised Misadventures -
 The Doctor causally mentions that he has met absolutely everyone of
 any importance whatsoever in the entire universe, and he wouldnt
 mind doing it again if they could stand to spend another 3 minutes
 with him

 Dialogue Disasters -

 Jo: One minute you're condemning the Doctor to death by a vicious killing
     Paddington Bear and the next minute you're giving me this cute
     precious adorable little teddy bear...how sweet!"

 Igloo: We reject all artifical ingredients...except by popular demand!


 Dialogue Triumphs -

 Hashish: I wanted to save our old ways...to save our world.  Perhaps
          I was wrong...Oh!  It's time for Dad's Army on telly!
          Anyone got any Zig Zag papers?

 Viewers' Quotes -

 "This story had the most interesting aliens since Web Planet.  I mean
  what other show would have a cowardly hermaphrodite hexapod squid slut
  named Alpha SINtauri?  I bet she'd look really hot in a teddy, you
  know?"              - Bizarre Squid Fetish Magazine, Summer 1997

 "This story was appalling, valueless, cheaply produced, no vision crap.
  And yet it still was better than Highlander OR Bladerunner."
                                  - Leonard Maltin's Video Guide, 1998

 "After seeing this, I was terrified of my teddy bear for the next 12
  years."
  - The Same Kid Who Wrote Mary Whitehouse That He Was Scared of the
    Slyther

 "I originally designed the Quirks as hexapods!  See!!  Everything I did
  in that ONE serial was stolen viciously by Doctor Who for the next
  20 years!"
   - The Creator of the Quirks screaming in his sleep in the middle of the
      night, date unknown

  "Hermaphrodite aliens man!"
   - Charles Daniels comments on Alpha Sintauri (or his own alien
     abduction experiences where he was forced to breed), 1999

 Rumors & Facts -

This is the story which confirms that the character of Jo Grant is of
equal  intelligence to a stuffed bear.  She is easily hypnotised by a
spinning mirror and unable to tell the difference between a mock teddy
bear tea party  with no tea and a proper royal tea party filled with tea,
even after attempting a long and generous sip.
If this were a proper programme guide with useful information this
section would be filled with an examination of this serial's attempt to
mirror the issues involved with the UK joining the common market.  So
in respect to those who would like to write in just that sort of annoying
heavy handed fan wank I donate five lines of empty space for you to
scribble in your own strange theories on this topic....

Now for the normal readers of this guide who are NOT clinically anal
retentive I might mention the weird and truly insignificant detail that
at this time, along with the UK changing it's entire economic platform,
David Troughton shared a flat with future Doctor Who star Colin Baker.
This strange living arrangement was later adapted into the extremely
popular UK series -  The Young Ones.  Based heavily on the lives of Colin
Baker and David Troughton at the time the Young Ones accurate reflects
David Troughton's cool, calm, leader demeanor as seen in the character
Mike and Colin's less reliable traits such as bursting through walls,
chopping off his own head, and smashing bombs that would frequently fall
safely into their kitchen.