The Adorable Teletubbies

An alternate Programme Guide by Charles Daniels

Fortieth Entry in the Charles Daniels Unauthorized Programme Guide O'
Acid Flashbacks

Serial NN - The Adorable Teletubbies -

Explorer Professor Depravers is in Tubbyland searching for the
Tellytubbies when his expedition members are all killed by the
fierce cannibalistic beasts!  Depravers accuses the Doctor of
the massacre but the Doctor tries to explain that the true murderers
were the mysterious teletubby creatures, however he can not
stop laughing long enough to get his entire story across.
Jamie and Victoria slip off behind a hill for a quick shag
when they are approached and chased away by a red tubbykiller
named Poe for it's mind-numbing horrifying nature.
It appears that the Tellytubbies are fur covered robots with
television monitor screens mounted in their stomaches so
they can communicate with their inhuman overlord.
The Tellytubbies are controlled via the Great Narrator
who rules over Tubbyland with an authoritarian fist of terror!
The Great Narrator is a cosmic voice over entity who is
trying to enter the body of High LaaLaa Padmasambhavaetc,
an old friend of the Doctor.
When Doctor unravels this mystery he decides to check out what
sort of bribe the Great Narrator is prepared to lay on him.
Unfortunately the Great Narrator is as stupid as he
is malevolent and tells the Doctor to "say bye-bye".
The Doctor decides he's just too old to deal with this
cosmic entity crap and frees Tinky Winky and Dipsy from
their cells in the Tubbydungeon.  Together they annoy the
living hell out of the Great Narrator with a cheap panto act
starring the Doctor, Jamie, and the Tellytubbies.   Victoria
directs the production and Depravers tries to sign up the
Tubbies into a lucrative television contract.
Eventually the Great Narrator decides he better get out
of Tubbyland before he runs out of vomit bags.

Book(s)/Other Related - Doctor Who Adores The Teletubbies
                        Doctor Mysterio - La Tubbio Surrealie
                        The Doctor Who TubbyDance Soundtrack Album &
                        Song Book For The Terminally Sad

Fluffs - The Tellytubbies seemed suicidal for most this story
         "Oh my old friend Laa Laa Pad-ma-sa-ma-tam-flam-bam-took!"

         "So this is Tubbyland, I've not seen it's like since..

         "Nunu na na nuuu!" (This may have been scripted)

Fashion Victims - Why would ANY sensible actor wear such
                  a silly costume?  Not to mention what the
                  the teletubby actors had to wear!

Goofs - Carnage, one of the evil robot tellytubbies, sounds Welsh.
        The normal TARDIS sound is replaced with cutesy casio music.
        Some of the Teletubby dialogue is actually discernible.

Technobabble - The Doctor says that the "Reverse Factor Of the
               Cuteness Radiation Dilemma" threathens to strand
               them in Tubbyland forever

Links - Jamie thinks they've landed on a tacky looking TV sound stage
        just like they have in just about every story to date

Dialogue Disasters -

DOCTOR: My old friend Laa Laa!  How's Noo-Noo?

DEPRAVERS: It's quiet...too quiet...
DOCTOR: Well I can turn up the TV if you're going to make a fuss.

DEPRAVERS: They are shy, elusive creatures.  Oh how I wish I
           could just gun one down.

LAA LAA: Naughty Noo-Noo!


DOCTOR: Tinky Winky, Dipsy, Jamie, with our powers combined
        we can pit our wits against them and defeat them!

Dialogue Triumphs -

GREAT NARRATOR: Why are you here?  Why did you not heed my warning?
DOCTOR: Who are you?
GREAT NARRATOR: Well, you know, it's me.
GREAT NARRATOR: It is I the mighty and powerful High Laa Laa
DOCTOR: Oh no you aren't!   I know Padmasambhavaetc.  I'm friends with
        Padmasambhavaetc.  And YOU sir are no Padmasambhavaetc!

DOCTOR: Victoria you may be the Director, but *I* AM THE DOCTOR!

JAMIE: Have you thought up some clever plan, Doctor?
DOCTOR: Yes, Jamie, I believe I have.
JAMIE: What are you going to do?
DOCTOR: Sing to it.
JAMIE: Have some sense of pity Doctor!

Rumors & Facts -

This story was a misguided attempt to make a Who Monster that was different
from all the usual Who creatures.  The problem was that people found
the creatures so huggable.  Sadly Doctor Who inflicted Telltubbies
on the world and rumors constantly state that this story was burned
to try to cover this unfortunate fact up.  The second episode survives
and features many sickly sweet tubbyscenes.
There are of course rumors that the story features the redemption of
Poe's lost soul through the use of psychedelic drugs, however this
rumor seems spawned by those same chemicals.  Poe and Carnage are
heartless robotic killing machines and work better than their nicer
Tubby-cousins.  Poe remains evil throughout and merely becomes
inactive when the Great Narrator abandons the Tubbyfoes.
The estate of Edgar Allen Poe and the Edgar Allen Poe Society
have dedicated vast quantities of funds and time to get the red
Teletubby's name changed to just about anything else.  Alternatives
they have suggested include - H.P. Tubcraft, Tubby King, and most
popular of the alternative names, Koontz.
Few Doctor Who stories truly deserve the status of being a classic,
and this surely is an example as to why!