The Ice Cream Vendors
An alternate Programme Guide by
Forty-First Entry in the Charles Daniels Unauthorized Programme Guide O'
Extreme Special Thanks to Gary Wilkins for massive amounts of submitted
material used in this entry!!
Serial OO - The Ice Cream Vendors -
The TARDIS is caught in an intergalactic vat of a combination of Jell-o and
KY Jelly. The Doctor is extremely excitied by this and wants to cover his
two companions, Jamie and Victoria, in it. However, the TARDIS, alarmed that
the Doctor might get some, breaks free and lands in a lot of snow. The
Doctor groans and moans in frustration instead of pleasure. He is
upset that it's so cold but then gets excited because he can see
They find a base where the scientists inside are desperately trying to
convert snow into flavourful ice-creams. They are in desperate trouble. The
last one to eat it, a sexually frustrated tart named Penley, has gone beserk
and is shagging bears and a big chap in the Woods. They are alarmed.
Naturally, the Doctor must meddle here because, well, he just adores Ice
Cream. Victoria says that she doesn't and Jamie gets all defensive, mostly
because he isn't wearing anything under his kilt and his naughty bits are
The Doctor is amazed to discover the scientists are using a Dustbin
as a computer! The Dustbin is equipped with a rotatory phone that
is supposed to allow any chemical blend of ice cream in the universe
to be available however turns out that all it can REALLY offer up is
a disgusting flavour, "Dirty Dust Delicacy". The Dustbin is watched
closely by the Doctor as it sits in the middle of the complex trying
to come up with any creative new dessert to justify it's job.
With the Dustbin's help, the scientists discover and ancient ice-cream
truck. The Doctor suspects that it uses gasoline and may have been frozen
long enough for the really good flavours to be available. He then escapes
to view it with Jamie and Victoria. They find a frozen ice-cream vendor.
The vendor is thawed and decides to churn them all into a new flavour,
Scientist Pasty, and he goes back to his truck to revive his mates.
Unfortunately, Victoria blunders in the way and she is taken,
screaming about hating ice cream, with him. The Doctor, worried that
his hottest companion yet will become Mint Chocolate Victoria before
he can shag her, gets all distressed and decides to take some action.
Several people offer assistance but he decides to solicit the help of
the tart Penley to release Victoria. The Doctor figures that if she
shags bears it won't be difficult for him to get into her cheap futuristic
plastic clothes. She seems all to willing but her clothes are computerized
and seem only to accept the advances of large hairy men and farm animals.
The Doctor again moans and groans in deep frustration.
Meanwhile Victoria is apparently ready to be dropped into a vat of
Just when the Ice Cream Vendors are about to rip off her clothes to make
it easier to process her, the Doctor and Penley, along with Jamie, who rubs
his kilt in an attempt to not have his bits shrivel to the size of a pea,
save Victoria from becoming flavour of the day. Jamie warms when he has
Victoria sit on his lap during the ride home and his naughty bits certainly
The scientists, now Penley has decided to stop wanking about and is
ready to help, decide to launch a new flavour of snow-cream at the vendors,
who are now trying to break down their doors and sell them ludicrous
flavours of ice-cream. "Mango Cherry Vanilla Burnt Toast Supreme with Wafers
anyone? C'mon- it's Hot!"
They launch their supreme Killer-Flavour, "Pineapple Cyanide Reality
Twinkle" and the Ice Cream Vendors consume it. Too late they realize it will
melt all of them because it is really horrid. Despite the obvious fact
that he had nothing to do with it, the Doctor claims all the credit and says
he is taking the rights to the novel. A chap named Brian Hayles comes in
offering the Doctor millions of pounds if he can take the rights to the
book. The Doctor, desperate to shag Victoria inside the TARDIS with Jamie
watching, decides to take his offer and he wanders off to deposit the check.
The TARDIS leaves with the Doctor wondering what Victoria Surprise would
Book(s)/Other Related - Doctor Who And The Flavourful Ice Cream Vendors
I was a Doctor Who Ice Cream Man
Wall's Guide To Sexual Ice Cream Delights
Fluffs - Troughton seemed hungry for most this story
"Iccccccceeeee CCCream ISSSSSSSSSS SSeeeeexxxxy, Sssssmeg!!!!!"
"But if these Ice Cream vendors are knowledgable in
Fashion Victims - Victoria shows a prudish reaction to Jamie and
the Doctor trying to pull down her skirt every
Goofs - In episode one the TARDIS is filled with KY Jelly and Jell-o
but in episode 6 it's all gone! What happened, and why
didn't we get to see it?
Technobabble - The Doctor says he can tell the ice cream is horrid
based on the "Baskin Robbins 31st law of 'peanutbutter
pizza explosion' being a bad idea".
Links - Jamie comments that at least this hellish snowy wasteland
Dialogue Disasters -
DOCTOR: Chap with the praline, five rounds rapid!
ICE CREAM VENDOR: You will maintain the iccccccce ccccccream faccccctory by
danccccing about nude and taking nude photographssssssssss
COMMANDER: Have you been screwing that bear again?? I ought to spank you!
PENLEY: I await your punishment, commander.
DOCTOR: Cum along Victoria, blow, blow..ahh I mean SNOW! It's SNOW!
Dialogue Triumphs -
PENLEY (About Clent): He's got chocolate sprinkles and chopped nuts
where his heart should be!
DOCTOR (about Victoria's knowledge of soft core Victorian porn novels):
"So, there's hope for you yet!"
The classic Penley and the Bear from Episode 2:
PENLEY(to Bear): Ooooo, hello sailor!
BEAR: (growls seductively)
The classic Jamie and the Doctor scene in episode 3:
JAMIE: But, my bits are about frozen wee wee off!
JAMIE: My kilt. Oooh, my naughty bits are about expired!
DOCTOR: Jamie! Victoria's about to become Praline Surprise and you are going
on about your Naughty Bits! I won't get a shag in!
The Ice Cream Vendors ponder their fate in Episode 5:
VANILLA[leader]: We will be de-iced if they discover that we have an undying
passion for ice cream!
MINT CHOCOLATE CHIP: Indeed, leader Vanilla. That human girl would have made
a nice fondue too.
VANILLA: Did you see the legs on her. She's a looker all right. Get her in
spandex and throw her around in a vat of Cherry Tinkle.
Victoria's desperate plea:
VICTORIA: You won't succeed! You can't be so inhuman.
VANILLA: Our hearts are cold. We live only for ice cream.
The truly classic scene:
MISS GARRETT: Oh, I don't want to eat Victoria!
DOCTOR: What? Oh I do!
MISS GARRETT: No, I don't like Virgin Pecan.
DOCTOR: Who told you she was a virgin?
MISS GARRETT: I showed her some pictures from a magazine, see, and....
DOCTOR: I get your drift. She didn't feel like posing that way?
MISS GARRETT: Not in the least. Doctor, you really do travel with the most
DOCTOR: It's not my fault!
Rumors & Facts -
This story had many alternate titles. In Ireland it was announced
as "Desperate to Shag" which was a title that was specially chosen
as to give the Irish audience something to relate to. While naughtier
stations opted to show it as "Victoria Surprise".
This story had to undergo many changes before broadcast, most notable was
that the BBC decided that the KY Jelly Vendors wasn't proper and ordered
Brain Hayles (who makes a cameo at the end), at gunpoint, to change it
to Ice Cream.
It was also budgeted oddly as the BBC and the Design Department ordered
1.4 million pounds of ice cream for this episode and 2 pounds worth of
fake latex snow. It is rumored this was merely because the staff at
the time really liked ice cream.
Also many famous stars appear in this story but they demanded to wear
so much make-up as to not be recognised by family, friends, and most
hopefully future employers.
Oddly the appearance of a Dustbin in this story would suggest that in
the 31st century Mankind and Dustbins had found a way to live in peace
and harmony - or at least when ice Cream and nude women are involved.