An alternate Programme Guide by
Sixty-Sixth Entry in the Charles Daniels Unauthorized Programme Guide O'
Serial OOO - Tom-Tit Monster -
The Bastard, disguised as Doctor Zaius, is working on TOM-TIT -
Tranmission Of Mammaries Through Interstitial Time - a device
which would allow every peeping Tom in the world to travel
through time to Atlantis, an island of notoriously flirty
exhibitionists. The Bastard however has a more complex plan
than mere oggling. The Bastard wishes to travel back in time
to steal the Crystal of John Kronos, thus giving him power
over John Kronos, a science fiction writer inspired by Phillip
K. Dick and Kilgore Trout. John Kronos lives and feeds on time
itself in a very strange surreal B-movie fashion. The Bastard
fails to control John Kronos in the 20th century and decides to
go back all the way to Atlantis with the rest of the perverts.
The Doctor follows him but fails to prevent him from using
the Queen of Atlantis to gain access to the Great Crystal.
The Great Crystal is the most powerful crystal in time and
space, and as such it cleverly disguised itself to look like
a cheap BBC prop. Betrayed by the Queen, the Bastard unleashes
John Kronos and orders him to destroy Atlantis. John Kronos
decides to eat the entire island, one mouth full at a time.
The two Time Lords fight again in the time vortex, which should
be impossible because you'd think in the hostile nature of the
time wake of the vortex they'd be torn into their component
atoms - but hey this is just a TV show.
The two TARDISes collide -- but they are saved by John Kronos
who doesnt want to have to figure out the physics of two space-time
craft fusing in the time vortex, much less have to describe it
in detail to his readers.
The Doctor pleads for the Bastard and obtains his freedom...for some
reason. I mean why didnt the Doctor just let the Bastard die?
He deserved it. That Bastard.
Book(s)/Other Related- Doctor Who Peers At Toms-Tits (A terrible
Doctor Mysterio Volupta Bouncy Jiggle
Atlantis Rompy Monkey Spank (Time Lord Edition)
Fluffs - Pertwee seemed embarrassed for most this story
Wild fits of laughter from all involved with line such as -
"You have no understanding of Tom-Tit and it's potential."
"This is the largest Tom-Tit to date."
"TOM-TIT!! WARNING!! TOM-TIT!! DO NOT APPROACH!"
Fashion Victims -
Jo's frock and two dollar whore wig, not to mention her incredibly
thick eye shadow and wet-look lip stick.
The Bastard has a Greek accent whenever he orders a tall refreshing
glass of orange juice. The Bastard insists on working in England
within causal walking distance of UNIT HQ, which is his undoing
The Bastard dances a silly gig to the song "The Good Ship Lollipop"
however this is not in any version of the script yet uncovered.
The Doctor makes a 'time flow analogue' from a Moroccan burgundy
bottle, spoons, forks, corks, keyrings, tea leaves and a mug.
This guy could teach MacGyver a few things!
Not to mention the Bastard works out his landing co-ordinates
for Atlantis with a compass and the map of the London Underground.
Links & References -
The Bastard mentions that in his last encounter with the Doctor
he was Prisoner No. 6
Untelevised Misadventures -
The Doctor and Bastard talk about how they used to build temporal
circuits made from only rubber bands and a butter knife to ruin
each other's time experiments back at school.
Dialogue Disasters -
JO: May God Bless the good ship women's lib and all who sail her!
DOCTOR: What are you on about, girl?
General: Simmer down, Stew.
Lt. Beef: Sir, yes sir. I will simmer down, sir.
Kronos can "swallow life as quickly as Star Trek fandom."
BASTARD: Nobody, Nowhere Is Going To Stop Me No How! So there!
Dialogue Triumphs -
Brigadier: One minute your talking about the entire universe
blowing up and the next you're going on about tea!
Doctor: Please be quite old chap, Im trying to enjoy my tea.
Doctor: When I was a little boy, we used to live in a house
that was perched halfway up the top of a mountain.
Behind our house, there sat under a tree an old wanker
of man. A hermit, a monk, a total toss pot. He'd
lived under that tree for half his life time, so they
said, and had learned the secret of life. So, when
my black day came, I went and asked him to help me.
Jo Grant: And he told you the secret? What was it?
Doctor: Im coming to that Jo, in my own time, geez relax.
I'll never forget what it was like up there. All
bleak and cold, it was, a few bare rocks and some
weeds sprouting from them and some pathetic patches
of sludgy yellow snow and vomit. It was just grey,
grey, grey, grey, like New York. The tree the old
man sat under was ancient and twisted, the old man
himself - he was as brittle and dry as a leaf in
Jo Grant: But what did he say?
Doctor: Nothing. Not a word. He just sat there, expressionless
and then he beat the living crap out of me. I was too
unhappy even for tears. I remember, when he finished
hitting and kicking me, he lifted his skeletal hand
and he pointed. Do you know what he pointed at?
Jo Grant: No.
Doctor: A flower. One of those little weeds. I looked at it
for a moment..but then I got bored. I've never been
able to figure out what the hell that was all about.
Viewers' Quotes -
"I think this story was about Atlantis or something."
- Robert Sloman (1973)
- Steven Hawking (1997)
"Like watching paint dry while being whipped with barbed wire;
immensely dull and painful at the same time."
- The Discontinuity Guide (1995)
"That story of the Doctor's childhood touched me. It was just
like mine..without all the beating of course."
- Charles Daniels (1999)
Rumors & Facts -
Tom-Tit only furthered British suspicion of Doctor Who and it's moral
impact on British society. At the same time, the infamous Fruit Lovers
of England commericals were running. The most infamous of the commericals
from the period of time when Tom-Tit Monster was on television was
one where Jo Grant discovered a stash of melons in the Doctor's
The UNIT cast and the Doctor blush widely to the cameras as Jo innocently
asks "Whatever are you doing with all the melons Doctor???"
Also popular were UNIT Laser Guns which sold at major toy stores. Due
to a slight mix up the toy laser guns were indeed real functioning
laser beams, whereas the British army had to deal with guns that
just made silly noises and needed two batteries. The supply mix
up was corrected after a few months and the existence of laser guns
was hidden from the public until the current day. This is true people!
I have the secret documents smuggled out of Area 51 that support my claim.
See after the Roswell crash the aliens...no wait, this isnt the
right place to reveal all the secrets of the universe, wait until my
book comes out next summer at a low price of $19.95