The Enema of the World

An alternate Programme Guide by Charles Daniels

Forty-Second Entry in the Charles Daniels Unauthorized Programme Guide O'
Bodily Fluids

Serial PP - The Enema Of The World -

 It is the year 2030 and the world is in danger of being controlled by
a violent foe of mass destruction and hilarity.  The Doctor and
companions land on a beach and are immediately attacked by bears
with machine guns piloting super hovercrafts.  The Time Travellers
are rescued by a cute helicopter pilot who was hired for both
her large bust size and how she grips the stick shift with such
passion.  Her boss, Larry, explains that the Doctor is the double
of the would-be world dictator and numbskull, Moe.   Larry tells
the Doctor that he wants him to impersonate Moe so he can be
discredited.  It will be a complex job but the Doctor quickly
picks up Moe's patented "hand vertical in front of face" guard
against the infamous double eye poke.  The Doctor still isn't
sure he can impersonate Moe accurately so he starts to get
into a slap match with Jamie and Larry to test his new techniques
 The meeting is soon interrupted by Curly Joe who goes about
interrogating everyone until the Doctor hits him over the head
with a croquet mallot and tells him he has everything at hand.
The Doctor uses the mallot to cheerfully play Curly's bald head
like a xylophone until he leaves the room.
 After Curly leaves everyone takes a breath and they go about their
mission.  Jamie and Victoria infiltrate Moe's new entourage.  Moe
keeps a tight reign on those beneath him, which is just about
everybody.  They discover that Moe's vision is to give the
entire world a super enema that will clean away all the world's
pollution and naughty bits all at one time.  After this Moe
plans to rule over a new, clean, world.  Moe's deranged plans
for the device that will make the world a paradise of his own
design via cosmic enema disgusts Jamie but excites Victoria
in a suitably Victorian way.
 Meanwhile the Doctor is discovering that not only is he a perfect
double for Moe but when he carries around a cane and wears a fake
moustache, as he does every Wednesday evening for legal purposes,
he is mistaken for an earlier world leader, Charlie Chaplin.
Using the still loyal Chaplinists for information he confronts
Curly Joe and discovers he has suspicions of what Moe's true
plans are.  Together they discover that Larry has been captured
and is going to be executed.
 At the same time the real Moe has gone to an underground film
convention filled with people who firmly believe the last film
ever made was Jerry Lewis' "Which Way To The Front?" and yet
for some reason they still hope for more.  Moe assures them
that he is working above on the surface trying to re-establish
the movie industry but that they have to keep up the good work
in churning out Police Academy and Star Trek film scripts in
the hope that they might one day be made.  What they don't know
is that Moe has been taking their scripts to the fully active
and thriving film companies and selling their work as his own.
Moe's entire empire, and his enema device, is funded solely
off the slave labour of sad souls who live in an underground
shelter and only get to watch films that Moe made himself and
old Disney cartoons.
 The Doctor goes back to impersonating Moe and even fools his
companions into thinking he IS Moe. The Doctor is so effective
they beat him senseless before someone explains they've got the
wrong man.  The Doctor then confronts Larry himself and discovers
the truth about him.  Back in the old days Larry, Moe, and Curly
were a team of stooges who worked together on their own quest
to dominate the film industry through an unstoppable onslaught
of motion pictures.   The Doctor head-butts Larry and sends
him crashing into a conspicuously placed vat of mud.
He then starts to run to the main complex to stop Moe, it is to late,
the Doctor screams in terror as he realizes the Enema Device has been
activated. He is somewhat disappointed, in an inappropriate Victorian
manner, however when it fails to work!  The entire plot has ended in
disaster for Moe who is, in anticipation.
Curly Joe rushes to free the screenplay writing slaves from
their celluloid dungeon while the Doctor decides to save his
own skin and make for the TARDIS.   There he finds Jamie standing
stunned as Victoria has just offered Moe, whom she THINKS is the
Doctor, to be "blown away into space".  As Victoria falls to her
knees the Doctor screams and runs in slow motion across the
console room and gets into a fight with Moe.  The TARDIS takes
off with the doors open and Moe is eventually "blown away into space"
just not in the way he wanted.
 With the danger now over the Doctor drones on and on about how
he only saved the earth, the lives of countless human beings,
and the lives of Jamie and Victoria until finally Victoria gives
in and actually shags his brains out.  Jamie is incredibly
annoyed as they are going at it so forcefully the TARDIS walls
begin to collapse in on themselves, potentially crushing our
heroes to death...

Book(s)/Other Related - Doctor Who And The Giant Enema Of the World
                        "Laid At LAST!" - The Troughton Years
                        Doctor Mysterio - Suckee! Suckee! Cinco Peso!

Fluffs - Troughton didn't seem himself for most this story
         Troughton's eye poke routine rarely lives up the the acclaim
         it generally recieves
         In episode six (sex?) Victoria takes off the right clothes
         but in the wrong order so we never really see her very nude
         at any one time

Fashion Victims - The Stooges' silly pants, Moe's exploding cigars
                  and shoes, and Jamie's kinky use of the whoppee

Goofs - The TARDIS' usual landing sound has been replaced with
        Folger's crystals.  The serial is so under budget that
        several of the slap stick sound effects have to be provided
        by the actors themselves.  In episode 3 Curly completely
        fails to convince anyone his new hairpiece is real.

Technobabble - The Enema Device is a product of "Squishytron"

Links - The Doctor says he never wants to eat ice cream ever
        again after his recent experiences.  Curly is discovered
        reading book about the mysterious Tellytubbies

Dialogue Disasters -

CURLY: Yuk! Yuk! Yuk-Yuk!

LARRY: Youse Moe cause I say so, and what I say so does go, Moe!

MOE: What are you?? A wisecracker?? Come 'ere! *slap*

And the mystery -
"You naughty nimkimpook!" The Doctor or Moe?  No one knows.

Dialogue Triumphs -

VICTORIA: Perhaps we've landed in a world of mad men!
DOCTOR: Yes, I mean who else would give Winnie The Pooh an Ak-47?

GRIFFIN, The Chef/Agent -
The comedy act tonight will be a national disaster.  First course
interrupted by flying pies.  Second course slipped up by banana
peel.  Third course ruined by drunken clown.   I'm going out to
shoot myself, the gun will probably say "BANG!".

THE CLASSIC Interro"gay"tion scene between Moe, Jamie, and Victoria -
JAMIE: Where are we?
MOE: You're on a BBC sound stage.
JAMIE: I knew we'd landed on another one!  What did I tell you Victoria?
MOE: I want you to answer some of my questions.
VICTORIA: I hope they aren't math, or history, or science, or general
          knowledge questions, Jamie isn't so good at those.
JAMIE: (happily) Aye!! (then face turning sour) Eh?
MOE: Lay down when you talk to me!
JAMIE: You'll get nowhere by shouting and liquoring us up either.
MOE: On the contrary I'm going to get everything I want from you two.
JAMIE: We'll not tell you a thing.
MOE: Good! I like quiet partners!
JAMIE: What?
MOE: Spirit, resistance.  You've got plenty of that haven't you, boy?
     It will be pleasing to tie you up, give you a fresh enema, and
     lash you thoroughly.
VICTORIA: I don't want to cast aspersions about your character, Moe,
          but that sounds somewhat naughty!
MOE: (Still focused on Jamie) I wonder how long you'll last.  Five minutes?
      No, a little longer.  Ten, perhaps?
JAMIE: What do you mean?!
MOE: Come now,
JAMIE: Hey!  I've not got a problem with prematurity!
VICTORIA: You are ever so mature Jamie.
(Everyone glaces at Victoria with confused "Doesn't she get it?" looks)
MOE (rubbing Jamie): You don't think I'm just going to sit here and
                     ask questions, do you?
JAMIE: You must have been a nasty little boy!
MOE: Oh, I was.  But I had a very enjoyable childhood.

DOCTOR: People spend all their time building up resistance, and
        I come along and break them.

The classic ending -
DOCTOR: Oh you know I'm nobody really.  I just saved the world,
        saved the lives of countless human beings, not to mention
        both of your lives, and Victoria's sexual decency from
JAMIE: Aye, well we appreciate it and all but why you go on about it
       so much?
DOCTOR: Oh sorry, I don't mean to bother everyone over me going out
        of my way to save the world or anything.  I wouldn't like
        to seem like I was fishing for a reward, not that I deserve
        one or anything for being a wonderful guy and fixing everything
        like I do every week.
VICTORIA: Doctor, would you like to be..blown away into space?
DOCTOR: Eh?  Well I thought you'd never ask!
VICTORIA: Well I wouldn't but..
DOCTOR: Excellent!  Let's get started right away!

Which is followed by complaints from Jamie and classic lines like -

DOCTOR: Oh now Victoria you know it's rude to talk with your mouth

- And -

DOCTOR: Oh my!!  The walls!!
VICTORIA: I thought you'd never eat ice cream again?  I can get
          some if it excites you.
JAMIE: Looks like he's already getting some to me!

Rumors & Facts -

This story is very atypical for season five.  It features no
alien monsters and has stronger sexual development from previous
stories.  It is rumored that The Doctor and Jamie have rompy
man love in this adventure yet this is surely a mistake over
what happens with Moe in the interro"gay"tion.  This was all
very easy to explain until a certain novel hinted that Moe
was actually a different aspect of the Second Doctor.
So this point seems impossible to resolve but is often explored
in certain erotic stories posted to some of the more disreputable
newsgroups and websites on the internet.
It also features a sexual relationship between Victoria and the Doctor
which set the mood for the swing sex love orgies that were to
dominate Doctor Who throughout the Second Doctor's run on the show.
Taking on a new personality the Doctor had shown that his new
incarnation could finally get some.
When the Enema of the World was first thrust upon Britain it was
described as a "Whole new refreshing feeling" and that the past
of Doctor Who has been successfully "flushed clean away" leaving
new plot elements and traditions to evolve.