The Sheep in Spandex

An alternate Programme Guide by Charles Daniels

Forty-Fifth Entry in the Charles Daniels Unauthorized Programme Guide O'
Special Thanks To Gary Wilkins for the title

Serial SS - The Sheep In Spandex  -

The action starts with the Doctor and Jamie looking longingly
at Victoria's bottom on the scanner in a continual loop.
It seems the Doctor can video tape whatever has been displayed
on the monitor.  The console bleeps in emergency and the
Doctor soon discovers that Victoria's pregnancy test has
come back positive.  She is pregnant with Jamie's love child.
Thankfully all chances of making this a long running crosstime
soap opera are lost as the Doctor's TARDIS is about as reliable
as a drunken taxi driver.
Instead the Doctor and Jamie land on a genuine space rocket!
Not just a BBC sound stage!  Jamie is amazed as they
are attacked by an insane camera wielding robot of death.
The Doctor drives to disconnect and reverse the flow of
it's reasoning circuits but Jamie just kicks it really hard
and it stops working.
Looking out through a convenient but unlikely porthole into
deep space, they see they are orbiting a giant space station.
They also discover that this rocket is an intergalactic pest
exterminator service vehicle.   Apparently the rocket crew
had been called in to fumigate the space station for pesky
space rodents.  The Doctor and Jamie are taken onboard the
space station by the crew who are eager to have the work done.
The Doctor and Jamie discover that the space rodents are
in fact the Cyberbrats, a disgusting creation of the Cybermen,
who again cry loudly and annoy the hell out of everyone.
The Doctor wonders how Cyberbrats became CyberRats on the
work order but decides not to question it.
The Doctor is stunned when the Cybermen arrive!  They are a
notorious race of dead beat dads.  Scared out of his mind
he sends Jamie and his new found love interest Zoe to
certain death and annihilation for no apparent reason.
Immediately the Doctor throws a complete wobbly and starts
muttering how the only thing that can save them all is to
release the sexual air supply.
Everyone thinks he's mad, yet everyone has been feeling a bit
tense and out of the mood with all the cyberbrats running
around and interrupting them, so they follow the Doctor's
advice and switch on the sexual air supply full flow.
Immediately everyone goes bonkers.   Zoe continually says
sexually bizarre things as Jamie removes her futuristic
plastic clothes, Cybermen drone on and on about effective
penetration, and the Doctor finds himself molesting a melon.
Eventually the plan the Doctor had works.  Those poor sexually
repressed fiends, the Cybermen, can't handle the rigors of
the sexual air supply.   Trying desperately to make their
way back to their cybership where sheep in spandex await them
they all fall over sexually frustrated to death.
After about a week the continual orgy aboard the station begins
to slow down, the Doctor stuffs Zoe in a trunk and sneaks her
aboard the TARDIS.
Once in the TARDIS the Doctor hooks his mind up to the scanner
and starts to run his sexual fantasies as video images.  The
Doctor informs Zoe that since she's now part of the crew she may
have to do some of the things she sees on the screen.

Book(s)/Other Related - Doctor Who Loves The Sheep In Spandex
                        Doctor Mysterio - Sheep-Sheep-A-Go-Go
                        Wendy Padbury's Bottom, A Photographic History
                        by A. Flithee Wankur

Fluffs - Troughton seemed lust bitten for most this story

         "Aye eh the Doctor he wouldnna doun 'at 'eh ef 'un
          'int 'ink so!"
         "What did you say Jamie?"
         "How the hell should I know lassie?"

Fashion Victims - The Captain of the Wheel wears a tutu as part
                  of his dashing space uniform

Goofs - The Cybermen seem to have a hard time getting the sheep
        into the spandex.  Now if they are perfect cybernetic
        beings and had been doing this for centuries, you'd think
        they'd have mastered this task.

Technobabble - After the Doctor fails to reverse the flow of the
               reasoning circuits and Jamie does the robot in
               with a swift kick the Doctor explains it caused
               an "inbalance of neurodyne circuitry",  Jamie
               says he thinks the Doctor is experiencing an
               "inbalance of the making up crappy techwank".

Links - Several clips from The Enema of the World, the Doctor
        showing off how he had kinky sex with Victoria his last
        female companion

Dialogue Disasters -

JAMIE: "Leo, that's not my nose."

Dialogue Triumphs -

ZOE: You can't disprove the facts.  It's pure logic.
DOCTOR: Logic, my dear Zoe, merely annoys the crap out of me.

JAMIE: Just watch your teeth or I'll put you across my knee and
       larrup you!
ZOE: Oh this is going to be fun!  I shall learn a lot from you!

DOCTOR: I suppose all this means I've got to get it up?
GEMMA: No, I'm afraid not just yet.
DOCTOR: Oh damn!

CYBERMAN: Effective penetration should be immediate!  Oh yeah!

ZOE: I feel as if someone's been hitting me all over with small hammers.
JAMIE: SMALL?  What do you mean small?
ZOE: Sorry Jamie.  I mean big manly hammers, of course.
JAMIE: Aye, that's more like it!

GEMMA: Do you ever feel anything...emotional..Zoe?
ZOE: Emotional?  Do you know that's the second time I've been asked
     that in the last few hours.  Leo Ryan says I was all brains and
     no heart.
GEMMA: Yes it's your training, I wouldn't worry about it.
ZOE: Oh, but I do.  I don't want to be thought of as a freak. Leo
     said I was like a robot, a machine.  Well I think he's right.
     My body has been pumped full of cold hard facts and figures,
     which I act on automatically when needed.  But, well, I want
     to feel things as well.  Not just pleasure other people.  I
     want to bathe in vanilla ice cream, be covered with chocolate
     sauce, sprayed with whip cream and eaten!  I want to have an
     orgasm damn it!!!
GEMMA: Meet me in my quarters in fifteen minutes.

Rumors & Facts -

It is rumored that this story went well over budget due to the
extensive costs of making spandex outfits for the sheep.
This is of course inaccurate.  Sheep in spandex is an old
tradition in many parts of the United Kingdom and getting the
suits wasn't the slightest bit of bother.  Indeed this is one
of the few stories in the Troughton era that came in on time,
unsoiled, and under budget.  Apparently the cast was not let
anywhere near the film stock this time after continual problems
with Troughton and Frazer Hines sneaking away with daily
rushes from Enema of the World onward.   Indeed Troughton's
and Frazer Hines' "daily rushes" for the daily rushes are stuff
of legend.
There is a rumor around that Zoe's last name isn't spelt Heriot
but should instead be spelt "Alexei Sayle" however this rumor
seems unlikely as the secondary spelling has no "H" sound.
This misunderstanding may have come from Doctor Mysterio or
other spanish language dubs where the "h" isn't pronounced.
Another rumor is over there being a suspenseful scene in which
two Cybermen desperately try to shag Zoe.  Unfortunately there
is no such scene.  Troughton and Hines scripted this little
bit of perversity themselves and fooled poor Wendy Padbury
into thinking it was a real scene in the story.  They shot
the film on Troughton's own camera with colour film and Troughton
and Hines retained copies.  I have tried many many times to
secure copies of this vitally important piece of historical
Doctor Who footage but Hines thinks I just want to watch this
for myself so no luck, sorry!
If you do have a copy of Wendy Padbury nude, or being touched
in provocative ways, please send any such material to me so
I can distribute it across the proper channels.