An alternate Programme Guide by
Forty-Sixth Entry in the Charles Daniels Unauthorized Programme Guide O'
Whips 'n Chains
Serial TT - The Dominatrix -
The TARDIS rematerialises on the planet Dullass, threathened by
alien perverts and their wacky comedy relief servants, the Quirks.
The Dullasses are crossdressers and therefore hesitant to resist
the commands of the BDSM overlords who are gripping their planet
where it hurts. The Doctor warns them that the aliens are real
sadists and won't respond to the safety word code as promised.
The Dullasses though realise the plot, what there is of it,
must go forward, and uninterestingly let themselves be dominated
by the aliens.
The aliens have a bizarre command structure. The head of the
crew is a crazed Dominatrix who repeatly runs off looking for
action only to return and punish her alien counterpart, Ragu,
for trying to play kinky games with the Quirks. Indeed this
provides every single predictable "cliffhanger".
It doesn't take long for the Doctor to discover their vile plans.
The Dominatrix plans to use the Dullasses until she gets bored
with them, the fact this takes five episodes shows just how
much endurance she possesses! The Dominatrix comes from a planet
where Channel 5 is considered high art and entertainment.
Realising that once the Dominatrix has her way with the population
she will be off and the story will end, the Doctor assists her
all he can!
The Doctor gladly helps the Dominatrix dress Zoe in all sorts of
silly costumes and use her in a variety of naughty ways. The
Doctor takes plenty of pictures for black mail purposes.
Meanwhile Jamie has discovered the fun of shagging the gullible
and silly Quirks.
Then, for no real reason other than the story was running out
of time, the Doctor throws an atomic bomb in the Dominatrix's
Pleasure Cruiser, and runs back to the TARDIS with his companions.
Then in an obvious cliffhanger plot device the Doctor realises
he is about to explode...
Book(s)/Other Related - Doctor Who & The Dominatrix
Doktor Vho - Le Waxy Nipples
Fluffs - Troughton seemed dumb as a rock for most this story
"This Dominatrix gal likes her men pretty stupid Frazer."
"Eh? I'm JAMIE, DOCTOR!"
"Oh yes I know, I'm just pretending I can't tell the
difference between actors and the characters they
play on TV."
"Oh, I see Pat."
"I hope so, Joe."
Fashion Victims - Everyone.
Goofs - Episode three exists. The Dominatrix says that she controls
ten Galaxies, Ragu claims they own a small sex shoppe in Soho.
The zip at the back of Zoe's skirt causes her problems on
numerous occassions, often it is open, but it never quite
falls off..what a shame.
There's a whacking close up of Patrick Troughton...why did
we have to see that? I mean obviously it could have been
implied off screen.
Technobabble - The Quirks are powered by "wackytronics".
Links - In reference to The Sheep In Spandex the Doctor states that
he is turned on by displaying all those kinky mental images.
Zoe mentions both the Dustbins and the Cybermen, hoping that
one will pop by and increase the ratings.
Dialogue Disasters -
Ragu apparently loves to be dominated, as he screams -
RAGU: YES!! YES!! WHIP ME WITH HOT SPAGHETTI NOODLES!! COVER ME
IN SAUCE!! MAKE ME YOUR PASTA PANSY!
Dialogue Triumphs -
The Doctor explains his plans to Jamie -
"An unintelligent writer is far easier to impersonate than an intelligent
one. Go up the the director, tell him you made an mistake in your original
script and that the story is only 5 minutes long instead of 5 episodes.
If he points out that you're an actor and not the writer, just act stupid
and destroy the script...think you can do that?"
A Dullass about Zoe -
"She can't be a dullass - she's quiet interesting!"
DOMINATRIX: You will provide me with certain statistics...
DULLASS: Really? No, I'm not going to tell you my measurements.
DOMINATRIX: What? You defy a Dominatrix?
DULLASS: Sinsex is our leader, and as such demands respect.
DOMINATRIX: I warn you. A Dominatrix must be obeyed! Your leader
means nothing to me. I respect only one thing - Leather
QUIRKS: Shall we spank???
Rumors & Facts -
Throughout the years there have been two divided camps on the Dominatrix.
The first believes that the story is utter crap with no redeeming features
whatsoever. The second camp is just as firm in it's belief that the
story is utter crap with a couple of busty women in clothes that are
almost always about to fall off.
According to an interview in 1982 there was at least one person who
thought that the Quirks were well done alien menaces who should
have been brought back "at least another thirty-eight times".
It turns out though that this was an interview with the creator
of the Quirks who now retracts this statement and wishes to be
re-interviewed about this story after he is released from the
London Sanitary Hospital from the Clinically Insane.
There is some question of who wrote The Dominatrix. When I tried
to contact Norman Ashby, in order to interview him, confirm he
had written the script, and then plague his sad pathetic life with
around the clock prank telephone calls, I learned that he did not
exist. Reaching further into this mystery I discovered Norman
Ashby was a false name use to deflect blame from Mervyn Haisman
and Henry Lincoln, Abraham Lincoln's great grandson.
Bursting into Henry Lincoln's home, or as I joke 'The Lincoln Bedroom',
I was first assaulted with table lamps and other easily tossed items
until he informed me that he was going to call the police.
Running away I eventually knocked on the door of one Mervyn Haisman,
who invited me into his home and insisted he has nothing to do at
all with the Dominatrix. Mervyn even went to so far as to show
me a large trophy he had recieved for being an excellent writer
which I then causally and tastelessly nicknamed the Haisman Trophy.
Eventually I was pointed to Derek Sherwin, the script editor at the
time, who I was assured was REALLY behind the Dominatrix.
I travelled to Mr. Sherwin's residence and as I was about to knock
on the door I suddenly realised I wasn't getting paid for all
this and that this was a sad pathetic waste of time. So I returned
home where I drank Jack Daniels and watched lots of naughty movies