The Mind Shagger

An alternate Programme Guide by Charles Daniels

Forty-Seventh Entry in the Charles Daniels Unauthorized Programme Guide O'
Sick Fantasies

Serial UU - The Mind Shagger  -

The Doctor is about to explode!  He jumps into the TARDIS and takes
himself and everyone out of continuity.  The Doctor realises he
is in great danger.  Removed from the stream of continuity anything
could happen - he could become half-human, he could meet himself,
he could even remember his own future!
The Doctor looks at where leaving continuity has taken them.
They have arrived in a television executive's imagination - in other
words a vast endless blank wasteland.
Venturing outside of the TARDIS the travellers are hunted down
by bored androids and fictional characters like Busty Betty the
Elven Queen.
Jamie gains enterance into the Emerald Castle where he finds The Master,
a weirdo in a multi-colored pin stripe suit and a giant hat.  The
Master has a super ovoid chair and continually refers to Jamie as
Number 6.  Jamie often asks who is number 1 but is mocked and
tortured by a growling beach ball.
The Master wants to retire and insists the Doctor take his place
as the new Number 2.  The Doctor demands and free election and
it is granted.
The campaigning is against stiff competition.  The Doctor easily
wins over the Teddy Bear vote over a picnic but the Master seems
to have most the war and sex toys on his side.
The election is a draw so the Master and Doctor have to screw
each over mentally.   Hooking up each contestant to a computer
they are directed to ask each other questions and over come
their opponent in the deadly game of "Mind Shagging".
In the debate the Doctor asks his opponent simply "WHY!?!".
The computer has an existential fit and blows up destroying
the entire village.
Walking away from the rubble, wearing a Number 2 bicycle pin,
the Doctor begins to brag about how wonderfully clever he is.

Book(s)/Other Related - Doctor Who The Prisoner (of Continuity)
                        Doctor Mysterio - Numero Duce
                        Index, Catalogue, And Filed - The Mind Shagger

Fluffs - Troughton seemed worried about copyright infrigement
         for most this story
         "I am not a number I am a free..oh man!"

Fashion Victims - The Master/Number 2 has trousers that look like
                  they were fashioned from insane candy cane makers

Goofs - In episode one the words "this space for rent" can be seen
        on the scanner
        Shouldn't SOMEONE have mentioned Patrick Troughton's fly
        was unzipped for all of episode 5?

Technobabble - The Doctor mumbling about how he wants a REAL shagging
               in a "zero-g magnatomator fun time suite"

Links - The Doctor finds the bullwhip of the Dominatrix mysteriously
        on the TARDIS console.

Dialogue Disasters -

DOCTOR: So we've landed in the village.  Well, I don't know about you
        two, but I want...information.
ZOE & JAMIE: Information?
DOCTOR: Information!!  Information!  Information!
ZOE: Are you trying to say 'inflammation' again Doctor?
DOCTOR: No, I got better.

Dialogue Triumphs -

DOCTOR: There is only one hope!  But's it's never been done before!
ZOE: Wait Doctor!  Are you saying you have some bizarrely dangerous
     plan to use advanced technology in a way it was never designed
     to do in order to save us at the last second from impending
DOCTOR: Precisely!
ZOE: Than do it!  That always works!

DOCTOR: Right..I have to warn you, what I'm about to do may not
        be pretty...we have to completely leave continuity!
JAMIE: But without continuity we're helpless!
DOCTOR: I know!  And we could end up ANYWHERE!  Atlantis, Skaro..
        I could even remember my OWN future!!
ZOE: Oh no!
DOCTOR: Yes, I'm afraid people will be trying to retcon this decision
        for decades to come.  Still, there is no other way!

DOCTOR: Don't worry, there's only one thing to do right now.
ZOE: Fix the TARDIS and go back?
DOCTOR: All in good time!  For the moment we have to go
        outside and be chased by white robots from
        Out of the Unknown!
JAMIE: But that's silly!
DOCTOR: Look I don't write these things!

BUSTY BETTY: We obey our creator, that is all that can be expected of
             any fantasy, unless the Master bids us otherwise.
DOCTOR: Why am I always landing in OTHER PEOPLE'S fantasies?

ZOE: They don't want us to find a way out..only a way in.
JAMIE: I've been looking for a way in for years!!

DOCTOR: Sausages!  Man will become like a string of sausages - all the same!
ZOE: Oh, Doctor.  That's a HORRIBLE analogy.

Rumors & Facts -

Like the Sexual Toymaker it was felt that the Doctor needed a fun
fantasy based story.  At first it was hoped that the cast could offer
ideas that would make it more personally fun for them and therefore
enhance the jovial nature of the adventure.
After a long very disturbing meeting with the cast it was decided
that their fantasies and suggestions would not be airable on television.
However not all was in vain as they did get Zoe in a catsuit.
Frazer Hines decided to take two weeks off in the middle of the story
and fill the gap with Ian Hines, his brother, and Hamish Wilson, his
mentally insane Welsh cousin.
This story has many aspects behind the scenes that give it a surreal
feel.  First the price of lava lamps for the Master's chambers alone
threatened to drive them over budget.  Secondly the director was one
David Baloney.  Baloney was a notorious drug addict who spent most
of his time washing up BBC floors.  He was a stagehand/janitor and
was confused when an insane series of budget cuts gave him the opportunity
to direct shows such as The Newcummers, P-Cars, and Doctor Who.
Baloney claimed to want to focus on the "BIG PICTURE".  Baloney didn't
concern himself with minor details like the acting, blocking, sets,
special effects, sound, lighting, but instead intensely focused on
how much money this was going to make him.  Due to his unprofessional
and insane attitude Baloney later rose to be head controller of the
BBC for a few weeks until they found him stuffed in a public waste bin
in Soho desperately trying to retrieve his pants.
Over the years The Mind Shagger has gone onto both critical and public
acclaim.    A recent addition of the Hourly Telepress reviewed and praised
this story for it's accurate predictions of future society and, quoting
a source from TV2 New Zealand, commented that it was "bold but somewhat
confusing as the first episode of Doctor Who ever".
In closing I will quote the creator of the Quirks -
"Very nice story, but should have had more Quirks."