An alternate Programme Guide by Charles Daniels

Forty-Ninth Entry in the Charles Daniels Unauthorized Programme Guide O'
Special thanks to Wendy Padbury for the use of some great comic material

Serial WW - The Protons -

On the planet Nuclei the primitive Gonads are ruled and trained by
means of the Proton Machine.  The Protons are sub-atomic particles
with an attitude.
The Doctor, Zoe, and Jamie desperately search for something exciting
or dangerous to do but nothing surfaces.
Eventually The Doctor and Zoe go on a popular quiz show "The Teaching
Machine" and win a large screen TV.
Jamie smashes it in however when it is discovered local programming
consist of old men talking about penguins and how back in the olden
days people never took gardening for granted.
Bored out of his mind the Doctor discovers that the helpless Proton
life system is based on hydrogen and kills them.
Genocide completed the Doctor and companions wander off to find a
real adventure.

Book(s)/Other Related - Doctor Who's Boring Weekend
                        The Week We Couldn't Think Of A Plot by Robin Bland
                        Existing Doctor Who - The Crap They Didn't Burn

Fluffs - Troughton seemed sleepy for most this story
         "Atomic weight?  Well that's rather insulting should you say
          so Jamie?  Especially after the diet!"

         "Don't you see??!  The Protons are one of the most deadly
          menaces we have ever encount---ahahah I'm sorry I can't get
          through this with a straight face."

Fashion Victims - The Protons all have weirdly inexplicable sideburns

Goofs - Robert Holmes was paid for this story
        Jamie collides with Zoe repeatly whilst walking in a corridor
        In the same scene her knickers are briefly visible (someone
        HAS to catalogue this!)
        Zoe's jacket is badly torn at one shoulder in episode 4 but
        we don't see any evidence of bra straps!
        The Doctor is magically transported from one location to another
        with no explanation
        Jamie is Irish for a good 15 minutes in episode 4

Technobabble - Zoe gets tellurium's atomic number correct (555-ATOM)
               but is 0.000000000004 out on it's atomic weight, and
               she's not the kind to round up!
               She describes hydrogen telluride as "really goofy".

Links - Zoe says her paper miniskirts are really the most rewarding
        part of her travels with the Doctor.

Dialogue Disasters -

DOCTOR: Oh great jumping gittering gobstoppers!  I think I've
        got it!

DOCTOR: Who knew something so evil could be so tiny....
JAMIE: Are you talking about the Protons, Doctor?
DOCTOR: What?  OHH!!! Yes, yes...of course Jamie.

Dialogue Triumphs -

ZOE: Never underestimate the importance of a good costume!

ZOE: The Doctor is almost as clever as I am!  I'll have to take charge
     because he's twisted his ankle!

DOCTOR: Zoe is something of a genius..It can be rather irritating sometimes!
        Anyone got an ice pack for my ankle?

BETA: We've been slaves for four weeks.  Shall this story ever end?

Viewers' Quotes -

"Oh the Protons, lovely story...still needed more Quirks!"
                                - Creator of the Quirks

"The Protons was entertainment.  It stood up as a tight crisp one hundred
minutes of enjoyable television.  It's sets were small, sometimes cheap;
the acting tended toward wooden on occassion.  It was devoid of music,
special effects on any real scale, even action, in any sense of the word..
you know come to think of it, it IS a bit crap isn't it?"  - Gabbs

"No plots, few scenes that do anything - The Protons just gets on
 with boring the audience, and boring it dead."   - Gabbs

"I liked it because they used the monster I designed on Blue Peter!"
                         - Some kid who loved boxy robots

Rumors & Facts -

This story was written on a dare that Robert Holmes couldn't rewrite
some piece of tripe that Doctor Who, Out of the Unknown, and Predictable
Plot Twist Ending had rejected in the past - it seems he won and we lost!
The Protons were a cardboard box with legs and arms - they were originally
called the "Aqua-Men" but this name had to be dropped when they fell
apart into a messy pulp after their first underwater scene.
Frazer Hines was so disgusted by the script he threatened to leave
in a story he'd co-written with Dick Shrapnel called "Spankers In Space"
which would fulfill the last piece of continuity he wanted to explore
before leaving the series.  However when he heard that Patrick Troughton
would be leaving at the end of the season to join a cult he decided to
tag along until the end.
When Spankers In Space was dropped Wendy Padbury seemed oddly saddened.
She then worked with Frazer Hines on a new story that would allow him
to explore those areas he'd always an actor.
Wendy recalled that as a young child she would spend hours in her
own world eating soup and playing with the croutons.  Frazer and
Wendy submitted a storyline about a race of Croutons trapped forever
in a universe of broth, waiting and bidding their time until they
would be free to conquer the universe.  Sadly this story, eventually
known as The Krotons for copyright purposes, was ultimately rejected
by the BBC.  This early set back would only embitter Wendy Padbury
and, much like her crouton creations, give her time to plot her own
revenge against the BBC.