The Spoons of Death
An alternate Programme Guide by
Fiftieth Entry in the Charles Daniels Unauthorized Programme Guide O'
Special thanks to Scott Armstrong for suggesting the title and this other
guy I believe named Nick as I will take stuff from his brilliant dubbed
parody which I want a copy of, thank you! :)
Also again most extreme thanks to Wendy Padbury for the use of some really
amazing comic material!
Serial XX - The Spoons Of Death -
The Doctor pilots the TARDIS to one of the most boring locations in
the Cosmos "The Land Of Fuck All". Confused, and desperate to
urinate, the Doctor meets a very boring chap who wants to talk
about his toy rocket collection. The Doctor is terrified to
discover that in the 21st century lavatories are considered
obsolete. Earth now enjoys an instant transportation/lavatory
vehicle-in-one called the P-Mat. A form of instantaneous travel
and relief directed from the Moon. When the machine breaks down
the Doctor and companions limp and dance funnily whilst trying
They find that the Moon has been over run by The Ice Cream Vendors,
who are preparing to launch an invasion against the earth.
Their new flavor 'White Pepper Ice Cream' is considered too spicy
to be consumed by humans. To weaken Earth's resistance they
are using P-Mat to send spoonfuls of the ice cream down to earth
and refusing humans any access to the machines beyond collecting
the free ice cream samples.
The Doctor manages to use P-Mat to return to earth, and FINALLY
get some relief to his bladder, where he discovers the Ice
Cream vendors have taken control of the Earth's weather.
All over the world there is a blizzard of "Vanilla Ripple Explosion"
and "Extreme Banana Sucking Chest Wound".
The Doctor finds the only thing that can destroy the ice cream
is actually eating the stuff. Using their own spoons against
them the Doctor and company charge outside the P-Mat base and
begin to scoop and eat the ice cream up wildly.
The Ice Cream Vendors are so happy that someone seems to be
WILLINGLY eating their products that they burst into tears and
cries of joy and call off their invasion immediately.
On the way back home they have long discussions of new flavors
such as "Marmite Lager Surprise" and "Kiwi Curry Fondue Sprinkle".
Book(s)/Other Related - Doctor Who Loves Ice Cream
Doctor Mysterio - Toilete Dancy Dancy!
The Doctor Who Ice Cream Cook Book!
Fluffs - Troughton seemed wide eyed for most this story
In episode 6 the Doctor calls The Leader of the Ice Cream
Vendor "His High Lord Of The Sexual Air Supply".
Everyone seems to be drinking heavily on camera which
leads to various slurred speech, especially from Slaar.
The name Slaar could be slurred, slurring Slaar would
explain a lot.
Fashion Victims - The nappy uniforms on the P-mat staff, tacky
yet very functional.
Goofs - In episode one the Doctor leaves the TARDIS with his
fly unzipped. There are drunken stage hands repeatedly
seen on camera passing booze to the regular cast. In
episode four why does slurry Slaar insist on P-Matting
the Doctor into space, even when he knows the Doctor
really wants to do it!? His Ice Cream Vendor helper
does a bizarre dance when leaving the P-Mat on earth -
I thought the P-Mat took care of that sort of thing!
The Doctor turns into the wolfman when he hasn't shaved
whilst unconscious. In episode five Eldred points to
a poster pin up of a nude woman on the wall, but it's
obviously in the opposite corner - does he have one
in each corner???
We see Ice Cream Vendors listening to polka music.
Zoe refers to Slaar as Slaar but no one else mentions
his name so how did she know who he was?? Was Zoe
seeing Slaar on the side???
Technobabble - Slaar to Grand Mint Chip: "Use our retrocrank to
change ice cream consistency by 3.04 grades!"
Links - Jamie says he much preferred the flavor Victoria Surprise
from their last adventure with the Ice Cream Vendors.
Dialogue Disasters -
SLAAR: They will eat the Ice CREAM!
MINT CHIP: On pain of DEATH they will know the SSSSSSSECRETSSSSSSS
of our newesssssssssssssst SSSSSSSSURPISSSSSSSE!
SLAAR: For the love of GOD stop that! It's SSSSSSSSSSSSSSO
Dialogue Triumphs -
BORING MAN: So Doctor, who are these other two?
THE DOCTOR: These are two friends of mine-
BORING MAN: I DON'T BELIEVE YOU!
THE DOCTOR: Okay...these are two ENEMIES of mine, Jamie and Victoria.
ZOE: I'M ZOE!! WHY CAN'T YOU EVER GET MY NAME RIGHT!?!?!?
DOCTOR: Well look you try shagging women for 5 centuries and see
how many times you call out the wrong name!
THE DOCTOR: Don't you have a lavatory?
BORING MAN: No. Of course not! Piddle on the floor!
THE DOCTOR: ON THE FLOOR?? I don't want to piddle on the floor!
I want to urinate in the PROPER SANITARY area! You'd
think you at least had a bed pan or something.
DORING MAN: No, now piss off!
THE DOCTOR: My good man, what do you think I'm trying to do?!?!
DOCTOR: THOSE BASTARDS!
JAMIE: Doctor! You're not suppose to swear!
DOCTOR: Oh yes I'm sorry Jamie, I lost my temper, next time remind me
not to swear....oh and before you do shove it up your arse,
I'll say whatever the fuck I like kilt boy!
JAMIE: So...Zoe. how about taking off your plastic clothes?
It will be SO exciting!
ZOE; No I'm sorry Roger not tonight!
JAMIE: EH!!??!?!? I'm James Robert McCrimmon of the Clan McCrimmon!
ZOE: Oh sorry...well look you try shagging men throughout time and
space and see how often you fake a headache and say the wrong name!
And lastly the most famous, bizzare, strange, sad, disturbing quote
of perhaps all of Doctor Who history where we learn the Doctor will
go to any "lengths" to defeat the monsters.....
DOCTOR: Your leader will be angry if you kill me........I have his penis!
Viewers' Quotes -
"Well I like that story..other than that whole penis thing...still
should have had more Quirks! Then it would have been brilliant!"
- Current owner of the rights to the Quirks (1998)
"I loved the wheezy weird wacky ice cream groovy guys! They were
way-out but fascinating and totally hip. I want to write a story
with them one day, that would be far out psychedelic, extreme."
- A New\Missing Adventures Author Who Will Sue if I use his name (1969)
"Famine has been eliminated but so evidently has the concept of storage,
since even minor delays lead to ice cream shortages between countries
of different ideologies. These things have always proven complex
throughout history. For instance the cold war between Ben & Jerry's
and Hagen Das." - Ice Cream Lovers Monthly Editorial (1996)
"The Doctor swears a lot, he steals a monster's penis...this is my kind
of story. Troughton at his best." - Charles Daniels (1999)
Rumors & Facts -
It is commonly rumored that Slaar is an Ice Cream Lord, however this
title was never directly offered him in the story. He is in charge
of the invasion of earth yet it would be hard to imagine that he
represented the top class of what the Ice Cream Vendors had to offer.
Meanwhile behind the scenes things began to change for Doctor Who.
Troughton had been swept up in a crazy commune cult that wanted to
spread the message of communal living throughout the world via
heavy drugs and cross dressing. Frazier Hines was also being pulled
into the cult rapidly at this point due to his recently discovered
love of skirts and cheap whiskey. Meanwhile only Wendy Padbury seemed
to be sane enough to take notes of the goings on during this hectic
and uncertain period of the show's history.
The BBC were eager to oust Troughton in their plans to COMPLETELY
change the series. After Troughton's run they had the plan to
regenerate the Doctor into a woman looking, and acting, much like
Zoe! Apparently the plan was that the Doctor would be killed by
a machine, that would turn him into the object of his own sexual
desire, designed by sadistic aliens who got off on this sort of thing.
According to Wendy's notes she had first been approached by the
BBC to play the Doctor when Hartnell left the series however she
was much too busy with more considerable work. However, a mere 3 years
later plans were well underway to relaunch the Padbury Doctor.
The weeks and months to follow would be some of the most important
and disgusting in Doctor Who history.