The Spice Pirates

An alternate Programme Guide by Charles Daniels

Fifty-First Entry in the Charles Daniels Unauthorized Programme Guide O'

Serial YY - The Spice Pirates -

The TARDIS arrives on a desert world with a serious lice problem.
A group of Spice Pirates, using really neat personal force fields,
break the planet into different component parts trying to steal it.
Meanwhile the Doctor has enslaved his companions making them mine
large amounts of "cinnamon".   They are annoyed to discover the
TARDIS has fallen into the hands of the pirates who have decided
to sell it at the first collectible antique shoppe they come across
as a 20th century water closet.  Meanwhile The Space Corps is
convinced that the thieves are the innocent wacked out looney
space bum survivors of a horrible disaster on board a mining ship.
The Space Corps gets immediate assistance from the acting commander
of the vessel who has taken it upon himself to track them down and
surrender fully whilst implicating his crew mates.  The head of
The Space Corps interrogates the lowest ranking member of the ship,
a disgusting slob and liverpudlian, a member of the species Feline
Sapius, with extra-ordinary smell and taste, and a synthetic crew
member who, even though mostly harmless, is a banned piece of technology.
The Mentats League Of Logic takes the synthetic crew member and
thinks up more amusing uses for him such as using his eyes as ping
pong balls which brings them endless hours of contemplation in the
recreation lounge.
Eventually the Doctor gets involved with the wacked out crew of
the mining vessel and decides to join their ranks.  Immediately
he calls for a wardrobe change to fit in with the contemporaries.
The Doctor adopts curry stained trousers, a leather jacket, and
a t-shirt reading "Will Work For Sex".  Jamie finds a neon pink
coloured leisure suit and Zoe adopts a red leather cat suit.
The Doctor and company track down the real criminals to the planet
Krikket.  A planet bent on killing all other life and eating
mind expanding drugs.
Suddenly someone realises six episodes have gone by and no one
has come up with one original idea yet for the story.  So in
time honored fashion the cast of Monty Python arrive to sing
The Lumberjack Song and are shot to death by mercenary Storm
Troopers working for the Harkonnen Empire.
At least that's what I've been lead to believe about this story
as I can't bothered to watch the existing episode.

Book(s)/Other Related - Doctor Who Goes Crossover Crazy

                        Doctor Mysterio La Copee Writ Violationa

                       Charles Daniels' Big Rip Off Book Of Missing Episodes
                       He Promises He Has But Can't Release Until He Gets
                       A LOT Of Money First And He's Really Serious This
                       Time Not Like Last Time - Volume 3; The Early Years
                       So There

Fluffs - Troughton seemed like a smeghead for most this story
         "So Silly Serpents Slithered Stealthy Serving Scientists--SMEG!
          Who wrote this dialogue??"

Fashion Victims - Troughton wears a goofy fake moustache and starts calling
                  everyone "Mon Capitaine" for no reason

Goofs - Zoe does not know how vibrators work, yet in the Mind Shagger
        she used them regularly without hesitation
        In the cliffhanger to episode 3 the entire cast is sucked into
        a whirlwind and drowned to death whilst screaming for eight minutes.
        In the next episode's resolution the Doctor has stepped in a
        small puddle, making his shoe a bit damp
        There are noisy explosions in space, but no floating green lust
        vixens like in that episode of Lost In Space.

Technobabble - "The Baron has a temper, he's likely to explode like nitro9."
               The device which remotely operates Holly is protected by
               "computer pattern baldness" technology

Links - I've heard this story has a few references and homages to other
        science fiction novels and series, but they must be very subtle
        as I've never spotted them.

Dialogue Disasters -

KRYTEN: You've violated Space Corp Directive #1969!
DOCTOR: What's that?
KRYTEN: How should I know?  I just know there's one of these jokes
        in every episode!

Dialogue Triumphs -

LISTER: It is by curry alone I set my mind in motion. It is by the juice of
        Vindaloo that thoughts acquire speed, the lips acquire stains,
        become a warning. It is by curry alone I set my mind in motion.

DOCTOR: So you're in love with this Kristine are you David?
LISTER: Oh yeah, she's incredible.  Totally amazing.  Her eyes lit up like
        a pinball machine when you got an extra ball.
DOCTOR: Oh, how romantic.
LISTER: Haven't you ever wanted someone, more than anyone else, ever?
        Haven't you felt love and desire?
DOCTOR: You have met Zoe right?  I mean do you know anything about the type
        of women I keep around as travelling companions?
LISTER: Oh yeah!  Well how do you cope with it?
DOCTOR: Well I have to fantasize really hard to get them back into my
        mind, most of the time they just sleep, and I have dirty dreams
        at night.  I have to WANT to remember.
LISTER: You have that time machine!  you could take us back!  You could
        fix everything!
DOCTOR: Don't get your hopes up gimboid!  I'm not going to let you
        losers into my TARDIS!

ZOE: There's one thing I don't understand.
CAT: You're lucky!  There's about a million things I don't understand!

ZOE: Well I've re-built the Holly Hop Drive based on the higher principals
     of quantum physics your AI computer can't handle.
RIMMER: Oh, yes....I was just about to do that myself actually.
ZOE: Really?  How were you planning to maximize efficiency in the 5th
RIMMER: OH THAT!  Yes...quite...well......I know!  Why don't you do
        something else useful, about making
        us a pot of tea!
ZOE: Piss off smeghead.

RIMMER: I must not fear. Fear is the mind-killer. Fear is the little-death
        that brings total obliteration. I will face my fear. I will
        permit it to pass over me and through me.
DOCTOR: Oh shut-up Rimmer and hide behind the scanner table like last time!
RIMMER: Thank you Doctor!  Toodle Pipski!

DOCTOR: The slow blade penetrates the shield.
ZOE: I don't care what you say Doctor, I want you to wear a condom!

Viewers' Quotes -

"I much prefer the version with the still picture cartoon for the
first 30 minutes."   - Not David Lynch (1997)

"I taped episode two!!!!"
- The Bastard Who Didn't Tape episodes 1,3,4,5, or 6 (1998)

"I watched this story when it first aired when I was a little boy
and I'm very happy that I remember sod all about it."
                    - Most 60s Who Fans (1995)

"Oh!  Are you talking about Spice World?"
  - Lots of sad losers we met on the street (1999)

"In many ways this story and it's story code speak for itself.
For years fans have been asking - YY??"
     - Charles Daniels, Rude Review Monthly, (1999)

"I have only one thing to say about this story - QUIRKS!"
              - The Creator of the Quirks (1969)

Rumors & Facts -

After the first five episodes the main cast REFUSED to be present
for the studio filming of episode 6.  Troughton, Hines, and Padbury
appear only in pre-filmed scenes from other stories in episode 6.
This was very obvious and very badly edited in.  Though luckily
this absence from the studio filming saved them from being involved
in the massive shoot out scene that ended the story.  To this day
there are those who insist the trio conspired to kill the various
members of the guest cast by swapping the obvious fake space guns
of the storm troopers with REAL space guns.  Even though it has
been pointed out over 30 years that so far there is no such thing
as a REAL space gun this hasn't stopped fans from believing.

Meanwhile Troughton had fallen deeper into the lure of his cult.
He often showed up to the studio dressed as a swami and insisting
he be addressed as "His High Keeper Of The Trouser Demon".  Frazer
Hines had joined the commune as well and now believed his life mission
to be research into developing the best ketchup ever known to man.

Some behind the scenes trivia you probably don't know is that
another story was suppose to be in production at this time called
"The Drug Seller".  This was dropped at the last minute when
the BBC decided that this story might be perceived as having drug
connotations.  I don't know what this story was about but the writers
of the Spice Pirates must have visited a Drug Seller before writing
THIS story.

On the larger scale the Troughton era was quickly coming to close but
changes to reshape Doctor Who were in their genesis.  The idea was being
discussed to air Doctor Who in COLOUR!   However long meetings and fevered
discussions went nowhere as no one could agree WHICH Colour to air it in!
A few radicals thought they should embrace a fully colour show, except
for blue, but as this would cost money AND enhance Doctor Who's
popularity the BBC were dead against it.
Eventually memos and letters were passed from office to office,
individual to individual.  Indeed in the historical archives
there must be countless of important and information revealing
documents with never before published facts about the series.
I am just too lazy to go over and research them, so why not
buy a Handbook or something?   I'm not your mum!