The Wank Games
An alternate Programme Guide by
Fifty-Second Entry in the Charles Daniels Unauthorized Programme Guide O'
Extreme and Most Humble Thanks To Our Goddess of Comedy Wendy Padbury, who
deemed fit to share her witty insights with a lowly peasant such as yours
Serial ZZ - The Wank Games -
The TARDIS lands in New Orleans, when they emerge from a sickly sweet cloud
they discover they are on another planet. On a planet divided by fetishes.
There is a fierce war going on between these zones of lust and sin.
The fetishes are controlled by aliens who have gathered perverts throughout
history and the cosmos, shown them dirty movies, and put them out to
run wild with the aim of finding the most alluring and powerful fetishes
and spreading them across the Galaxy.
The Doctor thinks he's landed in a giant party zone and begins to
join in on the sexual depravity and madness, even more than usual.
Jamie and Zoe begin to think maybe something is wrong. The Doctor
insists that they are just being horrible squares and should get
into some lycra costumes. Sadly before this can happen they are
approached by the most disturbing being in the zone, The Wank Lord.
The Wank Lord is the being who has truly created this den of sin,
and he looks every inch of the part, right down to the riding crops
and the pink high heels. This most vile of enemies doesn't want
to kill the Doctor and companions, he just wants to sing "Let's Do
The Time Warp Again" over and over and over again!
While at first fun the Doctor finds this singing and dancing too
distracting from the orgy of the damned he was previously enjoying.
Lots of padding ensues when the Doctor and companions run away to
different zones all displaying more bizarre and intriguing sexual
fetishes then the last but all padded things must come to an end.
The Doctor, so terrified by the Wank Lords desire to refer to
Jamie and Zoe as Brad and Janet and the Doctor himself as the
Criminologist decides to do the unthinkable. With no other options,
and no raspberry flavored love lube in sight, he calls upon on the
help of the Time Lords as the Wank Lord sings "I'm Coming Home!".
The Doctor runs to his TARDIS with his companions but it is too late.
The TARDIS is locked on a destination to wackiness.
The Time Lords are nearly competent race, who are able to control
all of time and space on the weekends. Both the Doctor and the Wank
Lord are renegade Time Lords who have been naughty little boys indeed.
The Doctor fled to explore strange new worlds, to seek out new life,
and new civilizations, to boldly go where no man has gone before.
Then he got into that whole business of wanting to GO where no
man had gone before on the planet of the virgins and it just turned
bad from there. On the other hand The Wank Lord gave Time Lord Technology
to lesser technically evolved races for a laugh whilst he built the
ultimate perversion of time and space.
The Time Lords have a stiff drink and shake their heads as they capture
and execute the Wank Lord by making him listen to Menudo - a cruel
torture he had often inflicted on his victims.
The Doctor is horrified what fate might await his companions and himself
at the hands of the Time Lords. The Time Lords first return the perverts
to New Orleans in their respective time periods and then start the trial
of the century live on pay-per-view "The Doctor Vs. The Time Lords -
Galactic Interference Defense Match".
The Doctor presents an excellent defense for himself using stock footage
but this is not enough to sway the Time Lords who are so frigid they
haven't contemplated the idea of getting laid for millennia. The Doctor's
defense ultimately fails. He makes lots of goofy faces and occassionally
uses his recorder to beat them about the face, however this only further
justifies their accustations that at times the Doctor can proven himself
to be "most childish".
The Time Lords decide that Jamie and Zoe should be returned to modern
day earth, 1969, as they are making budget cuts and don't want to
spend all that energy to put them back safely home, erase their memories,
and all that stuff they saw in the movie Men In Black. It looks as
if the companions have gotten off scott free, until after they depart
the Time Lords share the true nature of their punishment.
Finally they come to consider the case of the Doctor. The gateway
now open to earth they decide to exile him there. The only problem
is that the temporal vortex has become very unstable, so dating his
adventures on earth during his exile will prove nearly impossible.
The Time Lords then ask the Doctor to pick a new appearance for
his time on earth but he finds various reasons to dislike each of them.
The Time Lords simply want him to look dreadful on Earth and after
awhile of his fussing they decide for themselves.
As a last act of indignity the Time Lords transport the Doctor
into their dryer on spin cycle and watch him whip around for
awhile as they chuckle loudly.
Book(s)/Other Related - Doctor Who Enjoys The Wank Games
Doctor Mysterio El Loco Wanko Extremo!
Padders - Birth of A Science Fiction Legend
Death Of Penguin Man - A Fan's View of Wank Games
Doctor Who And The Wank Games Colouring Book
The Wank Game Home Version!
Fluffs- Troughton seemed to be taking large hits of speed for most this
"So, at last, I am put on trail for my...oh, wait trial for my..
trail? I have this all mixed up!"
Fashion Victims - Jamie and Zoe in German spiked helmets in "Domination
World", the kinky leather costumes of the security staff,
and Lieutenant Maxil's (played by Jon Pertwee) sad strange
Time Lord outfit complete with cardboard eyeglasses
Goofs - Zoe's photographic memory fails her often as she can't recall
where she is on the perversion map and the people don't act
like proper perverts but instead act like people who have been
paid by the BBC to play perverts, it may be a subtle distinction
but I can tell.
Technobabble - The Doctor is scared about several elements of the TARDIS
"Oh my dear! The kinkytron override has blocked the
sexual dysfunction circuits! We could be in great
danger!! The flip flop hyperdrive matrix is our
Links - The Doctor brings up a host of old enemies in his trial.
Jamie says he feels like he's on a BBC sound stage again.
Dialogue Disasters -
Upon seeing a battered old cardboard box laying on the ground -
DOCTOR: Oh my god! It's a Quirk!
ZOE: WHAT?? Ohh..that's just an old refrigator box.
DOCTOR: Oh great leaping gobstoppers, I thought I saw my end!
Dialogue Triumphs -
Upon realising they are not in the real New Orleans -
DOCTOR: Of course! The Party Zone!!
JAMIE: I dinna ken!
DOCTOR: In the ancient days of Rassilon he constructed a laytex/leather
dome and assembled the perverts of the universe to come together
and fornicate. Oh dear......we could be playing the game of
Rassilon right now!
JAMIE: I take it by your tone that we're not suppose to win?
DOCTOR: On the contrary...have you seen any sheep about?
A FETISH SLAVE To Zoe: "For such a small woman - WOW what a mouth!"
INSIDE The TARDIS -
ZOE: But they're your own people aren't they?
DOCTOR: Yes. The Time Lords! God what a load of wankers!
JAMIE: Is that why you ran away from them in the first place?
DOCTOR: YES! We had unlimited powers, we could do anyone or anything
that we like, and we have the secret of space time travel.
JAMIE: What's so wrong in all that?
DOCTOR: Well we never USE our great powers! We are content to sit
and observe in Sinfinity Chambers.
ZOE: And that wasn't enough for you?
DOCTOR: No! What with entire galaxies to explore, eons of time,
endless sexual practices, countless willing partners!
I wanted to go out and meet things and do people!
JAMIE: Why did they object to you doing all that?
DOCTOR: Well Jamie, the Time Lords have got a bit of a stick up their ass.
JAMIE: Aye! You can say that again!
The Doctor defends himself with -
DOCTOR: The Quirks! They look tacky but dammit they were evil!
The Cybermen, half human, half sex-monster! The Ice Cream
Vendors, they have a nasty lot of flavors I'll tell you!
But the most evil, the most vile, The Dustbins! They'll
kill you and organize your internal organs alphabetically
before you can blink!
All of these evils, I have shagged. While YOU have been
content merely to sit and observe! Maybe it is evil to
interfere with alien women, but it is even MORE evil, double
evil if you will, not to interfere with aliens when they
so desperately need it! Not to use our great powers for
The final goodbye as the Doctor sees Jamie and Zoe through the time vortex -
DOCTOR: Goodbye. Hope you enjoy 1969.
JAMIE: Like I always said Doctor, how can you go wrong with '69! There's
something for everybody!
(The DOCTOR gives Zoe a deep long passionate kiss)
ZOE: WOW! I didn't know you cared!
DOCTOR: Well I don't actually but when the hell else am I going to get
ZOE: I see. Will we ever meet again?
DOCTOR: Now Zoe, you and I know time is relative. If you don't step into
that vortex, you're going to regret it. Maybe not tomorrow, maybe
not the next week, but soon, and for the rest of your life. You've
got to go with Jamie, you're the world to him. Let's face it,
in this crazy cosmos the problems of a Time Lord and space vixen
don't amount to drive reactor of hydrogen compounds. Piss off.
(Zoe gives the Doctor a peck on the cheek before stepping into the time
DOCTOR: Jamie, there's something you must do.
DOCTOR: You've got to track down Victoria! You've got to have a three way!
JAMIE: AYE DOCTOR! (disappearing into vortex)
The Timelords Reveal Jamie and Zoe's true punishment to the Doctor -
DOCTOR: Thank you, I must say they got off rather easy considering.
TIME LORD: Oh but you do not understand Doctor, they have been slated
for a truly horrid destiny.
TIME LORD2: For their punishment, they will be forced to remember every
moment of their travels with you.
DOCTOR: Why that's a fate worse than death....ohh, wait, I think I've just
The Doctor while looking through a selection of bodies from the time lords -
DOCTOR: NO! That one's just a man in a skirt!
DOCTOR: No! That's a crossdresser!
DOCTOR: NO! He's wearing rouge!
DOCTOR: My god!! These are all Jon Pertwee in drag!!
The Time Lord's ultimate punishment -
TIME LORD: The machine is ready! ACTIVATE - SPIN MODE!
Viewers' Quotes -
"Well thank god we see some more Quirks at last! The stock footage
was good, and you know for that brief magical moment I thought I
saw a Quirk too, but it was just a refrigator box."
- Creator of the Quirks (1971)
"Anyone who doesn't like this story, I'll walk right out of this pub
and beat them into next week I will!" - Anonymous Drunk Man (1969)
"Well the idea of collecting people with different fetishes was
interesting. It seems very believable to me. I'd like to be
taken to a place like that. So wonderful. If only the Doctor
could have gotten over the show tunes I think he would have had
a lot more fun!" - Sex Shoppe Employee (1973)
"You can tell the Doctor is really annoyed with the Time Lords.
They toss him in a spin cycle without any static cling free
sheets. His hair stuck up something monstrous. The Dustbins
may be evil, but I doubt even they would go as far as the Time Lords."
- Rick Smeg (1981)
"It was the end of a era, and Still more were to come. Is that
vague enough to quote? I mean you're going to have to write that
in somewhere anyway, just quote me on it!" - Charles Daniels (1999)
Rumors & Facts -
The Troughton Era had come to a close. For many it was a time of
wonder and fascination, for others it was a smutty little time full
of depraved sexual desires and arrogance, for me, it was both!
Troughton and Hines were off to join a cult of communal living.
After the last day of filming they both crammed into a mini with
their cult leader named Cosmic (actually now known better known as
David Smith of London, but at the time Cosmic was seen as more spiritual).
They toured the country, drinking lager, until they crashed the car
somewhere in Surrey, so it wasn't that long of a tour really.
The next few years are hazy fuzzy times for both actors but pictures
show that they were present in such exotic locations as Swindon,
Milton Keynes, and The Isle of Wight in Victorian ball gowns.
Meanwhile Wendy Padbury had learned the hard crushing news, she was
not going to play the 3rd Doctor. Even though several scenes had been
filmed of her spinning around and around in the Time Lord's tumble dryer
this turned out to not be proper footage for the series but something
the crew wanted for themselves to watch over and over again at home.
Instead the charming man who played Lieutenant Maxil was to be the
next Doctor, well known radio and comedy actor Jon Pertwee.
Wendy Padbury went on to star in such horror and science fiction
blockbusters as "The Blood On Satan's Claw" before finally exposing
all in her autobiography "Padders - Birth of a Science Fiction Legend".
I have several dozen copies strewn slobbily about my house which I
have constantly referred to thorough my writings of the Troughton
era, Even though much of the information is strange, and seems to
fit no other known facts, this is Wendy Padbury and I'm not going to
question her! Anyway apparently the BBC felt that Wendy Padbury
was just too dignified to play the Doctor at the time and they wanted
to give Jon Pertwee a chance to rise up to the standard she already
enjoyed. Happily she stepped aside as an act of charity to help
Jon Pertwee along in his career.
Thorough the years people have approached the Troughton era with both
excitement and reluctance. Most of the episodes are missing and
therefore it is hard to truly get a complete idea of what the stories
really were like unless your friends with a certain large incredibly
fat film collector who has them all anyway.
Hope is always on the horizon. With the recent recovery of episode 1
of the Cruel Sades it seems that anything could be recovered at any
time. One day perhaps we will thrill to the knotty tale of the Macrame
Terror, laugh at the inadequate Feckless Ones, diagnose the Obsessive
Complusive Disorder of the Dustbins, or perhaps we shall see the true
horror of the Power Vac of the Dustbins. Whatever is recovered it's
going to make the BBC a lot of money and that should make them very happy.
It is sad to see an era go out with so many more naughty realms to explore.
The universe is teeming with possibilities and it is also teeming with
Doctors. Troughton would return in Doctor Who specials, the penguin man
would have more days to play. His era influenced children who thought like
adults and adults who acted like children. Often he would show up
drunk to work, or get drunk on the set with the cast. Often they
pulled down each others' pants for a laugh, or shouted "cue" to
confuse each other, and yet there was a feeling of comradeship that
surpassed the usual feeling enjoyed by half-naked actors drunkenly
shouting out stage cues. There was something special and unique about
this trio that would remain mysterious and allusive at least until those
black market x-rated on set films were recovered in 1986.
Perhaps it was Troughton who said it best himself -
"I played Doctor Who for three years, and then I stopped."
No wait, I think maybe I could put it better.