Dr Who and the Dustbins

An alternate Programme Guide by Charles Daniels

Thirtieth Entry in the Charles Daniels Unauthorized Programme Guide O' Silly

Film 1 - Dr. Who And The Dustbins -

In the first screen adventure based on the ever-dodgy BBC television
science-friction series, TARDIS (a Timely And Relatively Dull Insignificant
Spin-off), is the latest invention of Dr. Who, the wacky loveable scientist
from Liverpool.  It can transport the passengers to another world
and another time, something the film itself fails to do.
With his granddaughters, Barbara and Susan, Dr. Who demonstrates
the time machine to Barbara's pimp, Ian, who is high on crack
and tripping on acid and therefore operates the time machine much like
a pinball machine in his altered state.
The four humans are instantly transported from earth!  They
land in a vast, petrified forest, and soon Dr. Who finds
himself in terrible struggle between the boring Dull people,
the multi-coloured dustbins, and horrible dialogue.
Luckily his granddaughter Susan goes insane when Ian accidentally
gives her cocaine on her cornflakes and kills everyone save
her grandfather, Ian, and her much maligned older sister - Barbara.

Book(s)/Other Related - Who's Who? (Roberta Tovey's 1965 single)
                        I Was a Dustbin by Robert Jewell
                        The Doctor Who and the Dustbins Lunch Box

Fluffs -  Cushing seemed confused for most of this movie
          "TARDIS!  It's just like I always imagined it
           but with less imagination than I could muster

          "Susan!  Open up the window, I want a breath of
           fresh air!"
          "But we're outside grandfather!"
          "Oh yes quite!  Sorry I was paying too much attention
           on walking in a peculiar way."

Fashion Victims - Ian the pimp wears a pink shirt, giant fedora
                  with sky blue feather, platform shoes, bell
                  bottom trousers, a mood ring, and a belt
                  buckle reading "Macho".

Goofs - If TARDIS is suppose to be a complex time machine
        that only seems like a pinball machine to Ian in his
        drug craze, why does TARDIS give off the date as a
        pinball score in tiles?
        Why does the Doctor kiss Barbara in that romantic
        fashion if she's supposed to be his granddaughter?
        Why was Ian trying to collect money in the middle
        of the month?  Shouldn't he as an experienced pimp
        know that "Mother's Day" is the first of every month?
        Susan seems to have to almost force Ian to pick up
        the cocaine instead of the sugar when he sprinkles
        it liberally on her cornflakes.  Was this an obvious
        stage cue or was Susan just a 12 year old crack head?

Dialogue Disasters -

DOCTOR WHO: I'm Doctor WHO!  And WHO might you be young fellow?

IAN: Yo bitch, pay time!
BARBARA: I haven't got the money!  Susan used it all to buy
         herself a chemistry set!
IAN: Chemistry, eh?  What do you make then with your chemistry
     set little girl? Sugar crystals?
SUSAN: I make meths, uppers and downers, simple designer drugs! Want some?

DULL (Jim): I like films with Doug McClure!

IAN: Dammit Jim, I'm a pimp!  Not a time traveller!

Dialogue Triumphs -

IAN: And you're saying with this set up I can travel anywhere
     in time and space?
DOCTOR WHO: Of course.
IAN: Well I know time space travel is a scientific dream.  I didn't
     expect it to be solved by a loony like you.

SUSAN: Ian! IAN!  Can I have cornflakes too?
IAN: I guess so.  Want some sugar?
SUSAN: Oh yes!  LOTS please!

DOCTOR WHO: Young Susan!  You saved us all!  I know a little someone
            who's going to have a little surprise when we get home!
SUSAN: Don't be so sure about that grandfather, I cleaned out your
       bank account last week.
DOCTOR WHO: Oh she's got such a wonderful sense of humor for a little
SUSAN: Yeah laugh it up old man.  When they throw you in prison for
       vagrancy I'll be drinking champagne in Bermuda.

Rumors -

In 1965 Dustbinmania was a fever spreading across the world.
It was decided that a timely and relatively dull insignificant
spin-off was needed and a 80 minute feature film was seen as the
best possible way to exploit the masses.  To save money and make
things super easy to do they simply took the script to "The Dustbins"
and cut out all the questionable bits.  Unfortunately this only
left them with about 10 minutes of material out of the original
3 hours so all new naughty bits had to be added in.
It was decided a completely new cast was required.  William Hartnell
was replaced by the famous Peter Cushing as he misunderstood the
nature of the project.  It turns out Peter Cushing was looking
to star in a new 'horror' film but accidently was cast as the lead
in a new 'horrible' film.  His bland and uninspiring portrayal
of the Doctor was to be quickly forgotten and denied by hard core
Doctor Who fans.
Amongst the many changes between the show and the movie was changing
the Doctor's mysterious origins in for constant jokes about wacky
Liverpudlians.   When research showed that children did not want
to see film depicting school teachers as heroes it was decided to
make Ian a lovable and charming pimp.  Ian's character was years
ahead of it's time and would serve as the prototype hero for such
films as Superfly, Attack of the Zombie Pimps, and It's A Hoe World
After All.  Barbara's backround was also altered to that of a successful
prostitute trying to take care of her strange mentally insane
grandfather.  Susan was greatly expanded.  Gone completely was
the crying, ankle twisting, easily hurt Susan.  The movie Susan
wasn't just limited to knowledge of explosives and telepathy as
her tv counterpart was either.  Roberta Tovey's Susan was a master
of explosions, drugs, blackmail, extortion, fraud, and just
about every immoral and illegal thing imaginable.
This film did surprisingly well for a timely and relatively
dull insignificant spin-off.  A sequel was made. Merchandise was sold.
And the Dustbins remained the unchallenged favorite foes of the
Critically the film starts strongly with Doctor Who reading
an issue of Playboy magazine with a wide grin but it falls apart
immediately thereafter.
And in recent times it has been rumored that the nefarious Doctor Who
author AdventureRat will be writing a new book about the other adventures
of the Peter Cushing Doctor.   Which companions will be used is unknown but
it is hoped that Susan will keep her psychotic hard edge and that the
incidental music of the novel will be better than that of the film by
being entirely non-existent.