Doctor Who: American Style

An alternate Programme Guide by Charles Daniels

The One Hundred and Sixty-Second Entry in the Charles Daniels
Unauthorized Programme Guide O' Long Journeys

Serial TVM - Doctor Who: American Style - 

"It was on the planet Fargo that my archnemesis, this Bastard, was
finally put on trial. They say he listened calmly as his list of
evil crimes was read and sentence passed. Then he made his last and,
I thought, somewhat stupid request. He demanded that I, the Doctor,
a rival Time Lord, should take his remains back to our home planet, 

I agreed.  I don't know what the fuck I was thinking." 

 We see the seventh Doctor standing in a vast gothic mansion, 
he seems to be holding something in his hand, and as we read
his thoughts we discover that all that was left of the Bastard
could easily fit into a coke can.  The Doctor carelessly disregards
the coke can on the edge of one of the panels of the main control

 He is far too busy to complete his current trip to Gallifrey,
dateline 5725.2, in the Rassilon era just at the moment.

"The Bastard will still be dead in a few weeks time.  I've got
some business to look after."

 The Doctor manipulates the console and we see a new destination
appear on the screen - Earth, America, San Francisco, Chinatown,
1999 AD.

 San Francisco, December 30, 1999.  A large group of Chinese
teens are sitting in an alley, smoking dope, and listening to
the Chemical Brothers.  The group is counting large wads of
cash and laughing at...everything.   They don't even notice
a red corvette with tinted black windows which has somehow
made its way into middle of the narrow alley.

 As the leader starts to rubber band large bricks of money and
shove them away in his baggy clothing, the door to the corvette
swings open and a strange, small fellow with a question mark
umbrella emerges.

 "Woah, check out the hella sketchy guy.  We don't got no more
acid for you.  You look like you might want some E though."

 The Doctor looks at the lads and explains that he is the
mysterious Doctor that started their gang, The Golden Dragons,
when he first gave them connections to a flourishing opium trade.
The Doctor then tells them that he's back to collect his share.

 "You're out of your mind!  Golden Dragons have been selling shit
here for a hundred years!"

 The Doctor checks a wrist watch "One hundred nineteen years
seven months three days four hours and thirty-two minutes 
actually.  Now I've come for my cut which I estimate is
approximately 92 million 536 thousand 381 dollars and 37 cents,
which I will take in cash or traveller's checks."

 One of the teens rushes the Doctor, apparently trying to push
him back into the corvette, but the Doctor fluidly leaps onto
the top of a nearby dumpster, kicking the boy backwards as he
somersaults in mid-air and pulls out an AK-47.

 The teens are stunned, but three of them quickly unsheath
katanas and charge the Doctor.  The Doctor lifts his left leg
and pulls up the palms of both hands, and somehow propels
himself up into the air as the boys swing their katanas at
where his feet were just precious seconds before.
 One of the teen boys somersaults into the air to meet the
Doctor and they kick box in mid air for several seconds, before
the Doctor is finally brought down crashing to earth.

 When the gang rushes up on his prone body, he surprises them
with a wide roundhouse kick, knocking them all on their backs.

 The Doctor jumps up into a stance, and all but one of the
Golden Dragons flee in terror.

 "You remain here alone child, you are brave.  What is your

 "I am Chang Lee, bravest and smartest of the Golden Dragons."

 "Interesting.  Chang Lee, we will fight to the death employing
the sacred disciplines. We shall harness our Chi and the stronger
spirit will emerge victorious.  It will be a testament not only
to the gods but to the physical capabilities of mankind. Even
in battle we shall be brothers, sipping the nectar of-"

 Chang Lee shoots the Doctor at point blank range in the chest.

 The Doctor fallen, Chang Lee sneers and begins to walk away,
leaving the Doctor for dead.  When he is at the edge of the
alley, Chang Lee hears an eerie, dying gasp that makes him stop
in his tracks -

"Wait.  I have valuables."

 Chang Lee walks back to the body, and finds the Doctor still
alive, who promises that he will grant to Chang Lee all the
possessions on his person if he will call an ambulance.

 "Okay, but I better not be selling myself down the river for
a fucking question mark umbrella."

 In the ambulance, Bruce, a paramedic questions Chang Lee,
asking if the man has health insurance --

 "I mean this guy looks like a real wino.  Maybe we should just
dump him in Golden Gate Park.  We're never gunna make our money
back on this one."

 They arrive at the Walker General Hospital and the Doctor is
wheeled out of the ambulance.  As the Doctor's body enters the
hospital we cut back to Bruce the paramedic, who is clutching a
can of coke, talking to a co-worker.

"Dude, is that a coke you stole off the dead guy?  That's just

"He ain't gunna miss it."

 Bruce drinks down from the coke can in one gulp, and gets a
strange look on his face.

 At the hospital, the resident on duty and two nurses are mildly
freaked out by the Doctor, who seems to have recovered greatly
and is trying to amuse them by juggling medical equipment
and shaping balloon animals out of surgical gloves even though
he has a great big sucking chest wound from being shot at point
blank range.
 The nurses examine the Doctor's condition, carefully consider
which treatments he might need, and then select all the most
expensive procedures possible.

 "If this guy has insurance, we're gunna bleed them dry!  I
want some vague justification for an emergency heart surgery

 On call for Cardiology is Dr. Grace Holloway, who happens to be at
her night-job play acting her alter ego "Madam Butterfly,
Mistress of Pain".  She is beeped to the Emergency Room and has
to stop whipping some guy named Brian and leaves him chained to
a post all night. 

 Dr. Holloway rushes to the operating room, still clad in her
leather and chain bondage outfit, complete with leather hat.
She asks a nurse to play a CD of monkeys screaming to relax

 The Doctor's smiles and asks if anyone would like to see a
card trick; When he looks up he sees the leather clad blonde
lady standing over him with a scalpel.

 "Sorry, I'm not really into the Nazi sex torture fantasy.  Been
there, done that, bought the boots."

 Grace zaps the Doctor with a defibrillator to try to shut him
up, but he just continues -

 "And electro-play.  Now that really is out of the question.
I never could understand humans.  What's wrong with a nice
shag and a cookie afterwards?"

 Grace boredly explains to the Doctor that she is acting as
his physician and if this really was some kinky sex play they'd
have to go back to her place on Van Ness Avenue and it would
 They hit the Doctor with a heavy dose of anesthetic and he 
seems totally under; however, he sits up and tells them, 
"The Bastard -- he's out there!" 

 "No, he's in here!  Just calm down."

 The nurses and Grace sit him back down.  Not knowing what else
to do, and knowing the bill isn't anywhere expensive enough yet, 
Grace inserts a micro surgical probe into the Doctor to explore
his heart. 

 Grace explains that she's only ever actually performed this on
donkeys, and thinks this will be a great learning experience.

 She tells the nurses she's got this really cool idea, but
whatever that was it obviously wasn't as cool as she hoped,
because the probe snaps off while embedded in the Doctor and
she kills him instantly. Time of death: 10:03. 

 It is at this point that Grace bothers to look at the x-rays
of the patient "Woah, two hearts.  OF COURSE!  That explains
it.  Man, that is so funny.  I can't wait to tell 'em about this
in the coffee room tomorrow."

 Grace goes into the hospital waiting room to talk to Chang Lee,
who takes one look at her and says

 "Wow, and I thought the nurses had kinky outfits around here."

 Grace asks Chang Lee about his friend, John Smith, and Chang
Lee tells her that they were best friends, like brothers.
She looks deep into Chang Lee's eyes and informs him that
John is dead.  To her surprise, Chang Lee takes this in stride
and asks if he can have the dude's stuff.

 Chang Lee is presented with a paper bag of the Doctor's
belongings and he rummages through them.  At first he is totally
disappointed -

"Umm...what's here...ahh...a goddamn screwdriver, some old
bus tickets, oh, wow, cool..."

 Chang Lee pulls out a set of Corvette keys and smiles widely.

12:50 am

In a room adjacent to the mortuary, a cheap comedy relief
character named Pete is watching the movie  "Jesus Christ
Superstar" on TV, eating popcorn with his feet up. 

 In the icebox room, at first glance it appears as if the Doctor
is wanking vigourously, however the sheet is simply alive with
electricity and the sheet falls off not from rapid wrist movement
but instead from the power surging.  

 The Doctor's face is gurning and it seems to be difficult, as
though the Doctor is fighting something or someone unknown.
Finally the Doctor's arm moves, but thankfully his hand leans
off the table.

 Suddenly, his breath starts up and the spewing begins - icy
air from his open mouth...and no other spewing of any description
I swear.

 His eyes open. 

 The Doctor sits up.  

 We hear Jesus Christ Superstar spring into full song.

 1:15 AM San Francisco and outside stand Romans with machine guns
just like in the movie.

 It gets quiet and Pete hears slight banging. Afraid, he goes
out to the room where the banging comes from. Pete sees the door
of one of the ice boxes bang outward and finally the door fall
out and down. The Doctor, the shroud wrapped around him, comes
out, trance-like, with a dazed expression on his face.

 "Holy shit!  Tim Rice was right!  Judgement day has arrived.
WOW!  Jesus.  I'm your biggest fan.  You chose to rise up and
do the rapture in San Francisco??  That is so progressive man.
I really appreciate that."

 The Doctor moves in closer, as though a bit shortsighted. Pete
passes out and falls straight back. The Doctor walks through to
the next room where the "Jesus Christ Superstar" movie scares
him. The Doctor cringes and holds his head. 

 The Doctor walks the halls of the hospital, dizzy,
disorientated, and slightly humming ‘Changes’ by Black Sabbath.

 Back from the dead with a toe tag on, but still having a keen
sense of drama, he walks into a hospital area that is in ruins
and being reconstructed. Rain pours into the ruins through
tattered protective plastic coverings. Water from a broken pipe
falls on him, making him cringe some more. The Doctor cries. He
turns and sees eight reflections of himself in eight conveniently
placed mirrors. 

 "Who am I? Who am I?" The holds up his hands and shouts upward, 

 Bruce, now the Bastard, sits up in bed, green foam and saliva in
his mouth. 

Lightning hits. The Doctor falls to his knees and crumbles up into
a fetal position.  Whilst in the fetal position, he looks over and
sees a small bomb with an electric red counter, quickly approaching

 His eyes widen in fear and he runs at a break neck pace as
the bomb explodes into a giant fireball.  Running at extreme
speed the Doctor out races the fireball, having to leap out
of a hospital window into the cold night air, in a scene so
intense it could only be presented in slow motion.

 To the Doctor's own amazement he lands in a soft pile of over
filled trash bags and looks back up at the windows, which then
explode outward as flames light up the night sky around him.

 Pushing his face into trash bags, glass falls around him but
he is unharmed.   After a moment he looks back at the charred
hospital wing and his eyes narrow -

 "Who could blow up A HOSPITAL!?  Someone will pay for this!"

 The Doctor makes his way through the wreckage, looking for
clues.  He soon discovers a locker room, and deciding that he
can't fight for justice whilst completely nude, he decides to
steal whatever clothes he can find.  He does stop himself at
stealing a long big ugly multi-coloured scarf though -- he's
not THAT desperate.

 Chang Lee is in a pawn shop trying to sell some of the Doctor's
belongings. The man running the pawn shop looks especially
interested in the sonic screwdriver. 

"I'll give you 50 cents for the yo-yo and 2 bucks for the oddly 
ticking pocket watch of obvious extraterrestrial origin." 

 Still inside the locker room, the Doctor has finally gathered
an outfit he is happy with - clothes apparently owned by a 
mental patient at the hospital who believed himself to be
Wild Bill Hicock.   The Doctor examines himself and his clothes
in a partially shattered mirror, as he practices his revolver
quick draw from the gun belt slung around his waist.

 In Bruce's apartment, the Bastard in Bruce's muscular body is up
and feverishly watching the Smurfs on television. He is shirtless
and has his back to his wife in the bed. 

 His wife says "Honey, come back to bed.  They're never going to
finish building that stupid watermill."

 The Bastard calmly explains that his name is not "Honey" and he
is used to people calling him "Bastard".

 His wife sighs in annoyance, "I don't want to start that whole
fight over again.  Who cares what my mother said at Christmas,
she was just drunk again."

 She gets up and hugs him from behind. He turns and his eyes are
green and silvery. She screams but he chokes her down, killing her.
He looks out the window, saying to himself "Soon, Doctor, soon I
will finish watching this Smurf marathon, and then, you will die..." 

 Meanwhile Pete explains to Grace the she killed Jesus, but now
he has arisen to judge them all.  Grace thinks this is some strange
come on and leaves Pete alone in the mortuary with only his Tickle
Me Elmo doll for company.

 Grace walks past the bare feet of the Doctor, who, disorientated,
is sitting on a couch in the waiting area of the hospital watching
the Smurfs. 

 Looking at Grace, he suddenly has a flashback of staring at her
chest while on the operating table - it's the first thing he

  Grace begins to talk to the hospital administrator, who thinks
that the x-rays of the mystery patient might just be the final
proof of aliens on earth, living amoungst us.  

 The administrator burns the x-rays of the Doctor's two hearts,
and when Grace angrily demands to know why he replies -

 "Aliens.  I thought we should just burn and suppress evidence.
I mean, after all, that's what they always do on the TV."

 Grace is filled with righteous anger - she wants to know what that
man was, to learn from him, to dissect him, to write award winning
papers, and to eventually get a Nobel Prize.

 He won't hear of it, aliens always mean trouble, he's seen the
movies "Except for that lovable E.T., but then, still, NO.  Flying
bicycles?!  A kid could fall off.  We'd get sued."

  Grace quits and packs her things....and actually she packs some
of the hospital's things too...but we won't mention that. 

 When Grace takes her things out of the hospital, the Doctor spots
her bust again and this prompts him to squeeze into an awkwardly
tiny elevator with her, standing with his nose firmly planted in
her cleavage, and obviously getting a painful kink in his neck.

  "Sorry, far sighted." He tries to explain in an offhand way.

 He stands closer and asks her if they have met before. She doesn’t
think so, but he does sort of remind her of this guy she met that
liked to be dressed up as a baby.  She hands him her Madam
Butterfly Mistress of Pain business card.

 He follows her out into the parking lot and talks to her as she
carefully places her box of belongings next to a man who is
hogtied and gagged in the trunk of her car -

 "Liking it in there Fred?  You sick puppy."

 When she harshly slams the trunk shut, the Doctor seems gone.
Grace gets into her car and the Doctor is there in the back seat.

 "Hey, you wanna stalk me, that's okay.  But I don't take checks.
Cash only, bucko.  I like the spurs."

 The Doctor calmly removes the broken probe that was still in him
and says "Oh yes, I'm not a donkey you know."

 Grace stares at the probe and realises that the guy she killed
last night has returned to life as a cowboy.

 The Bastard, in black sunglasses, a leather jacket, and a t-shirt
reading "San Frantastico" , goes to the emergency room reception to
ask if the body he brought in last night was destroyed in the

 The nurse at the reception tells him that the hospital is trying
to keep the explosion a secret as only a disused and ruined wing
with eerie lighting was destroyed.  No one is aware of any 
casualties, but she is surprised that the Bastard had even heard
of the incident.

 Changing the topic, the Bastard asks who collected John Smith's
belongings.  She tells the Bastard that she saw a doctor talking
to some gentleman named Lee.

 The Bastard smiles and says "The Asian the tight

 The nurse calls him sick, to which the Bastard thanks her. 

 Children run past Grace's home as she brings the Doctor inside.
Grace explains to the Doctor that her longtime slave gimpboy, 
Antonio, recently left her for someone with a sharper knife. In the
process of leaving he took everything he could throw into the back
of a moving truck, including her sofa. 

 The two sit in love swings so Grace can listen to the Doctor’s
hearts. As Grace checks him with the stethoscope, he sees a 
da Vinci painting and comments that Leonardo was always scared of
him and would pretend not to be home whenever he came around to

 Grace interrupts as she realises that the Doctor does have two
hearts, and asks if he is from the planet Vulcan or something.

 The Doctor tells her he was dead for too long this time to 
remember, and the anesthetic almost destroyed the regenerative
process, but on the plus side it did give him a bitchin' high
for awhile.  Grace is sceptical, but he tells her he has 13 lives.

 Grace tells him that no matter what he says, the dead stay dead
and you can't turn back time. 

 The Doctor replies, "Yes, you can. You humans do it every year
in fall." 

 She moves away from him very slowly, while facing him and smiling

 Chang Lee goes under the police ticker tape into the alley where
the TARDIS is waiting. He goes inside and almost immediately
realizes that this isn't a standard edition Corvette -

 "Damned!  I never knew rich white guys were driving these things

 Chang Lee vaguely remembers SOME car commercial which claimed
that the cars seemed "bigger on the inside than the outside",
but he didn't expect anything like this.

 Chang Lee checks the outside, kicks the tires, and then checks the
inside again. He walks to the control console and the doors close

 Chang Lee discovers he is not alone; Also inside is the Bastard
who recalls Chang Lee's name.   Chang Lee panics and immediately
tries to leave -

 "Dammit!  Why won't the doors open?!"

 "Child locks."

  The TARDIS whistles and starts up, the Bastard explains that the
TARDIS is drawing power from Chang Lee' very life essence, using
his living human energy to power a vast complex machine that will
end all life on the planet.

 Chang Lee makes another desperate bid to open the doors, and
the Bastard cackles maniacally - "I'm just jerkin' your chain boy.
The TARDIS likes you.  It will not allow you to come to any harm."   

 Chang Lee asks if he is Bruce, the guy from the ambulance last
night. The Bastard reveals his true identity to Chang Lee and takes
off his glasses and his green eyes hypnotize Chang Lee. 

 The Bastard waves his hand and the teen walks over to him. The
Bastard searches through Chang Lee's jacket and grabs the bag
containing the Doctor's possessions. 

 The Bastard looks up at Chang Lee with great hatred -
"Where is the yo-yo?"

 Chang Lee tells the Bastard that he has no clue what he's talking
about, he swears he never saw a yo-yo.
 The Bastard hisses, "BULLSHIT! There was a yo-yo, forged in the
fires of Gallifrey by Rassilon himself!" 

 Chang Lee is stunned by this outburst.  "What did it look like?"

 "WHAT DID IT LOOK LIKE!?  It is the Yo-Yo of Rassilon!  A golden
disc with the Seal of Rassilon engraved on both sides, with a
silk string wrapped around the middle."

 "Oh. Yeah.  I sold that for fifty cents down on Grant Avenue."

 The Bastard grabs Chang Lee by the throat and moves him over the
console. He tells Chang Lee that the man, the Doctor, has stolen
his body and they must get it back. The Yo-Yo of Rassilon is
the key ingredient in the process to make that happen.

 Chang Lee is allowed to stand up a bit and asks, "What's in it
for me?" 

 The Bastard taps his cheek, "You get to live." 

 The Doctor and Grace take a pleasant stroll in Golden Gate Park,
trying their best to ignore the fragrant winos that surround them.
For some reason the sights and smells trigger memories deep within
the Doctor. He recalls lying back with his father in the grass on
a warm Gallifreyan night, Grace hasn’t heard of it but thinks it
might be an island off the coast of Greece.

  The Doctor recalls having it off with some Australian girl in
bad 80s clothes, and also seems to recall working for a secret
military organization. Then the Doctor suddenly cries out that
the cowboy boots fit perfectly, and Grace again slowly backs
away, smiling, and reaching in her handbag for mace.

 In the TARDIS, the Bastard takes out huge bags of opium from
filing cabinets. He tells Chang Lee the TARDIS and the San Francisco
drug trade was all his but the Doctor stole it from him. He also
tells him the Doctor was Genghis Khan, Adolf Hitler, and the Big
Bad Wolf.

 The Bastard and Chang Lee leave the main control room of the TARDIS
and enter a giant cloister room, a room complete with live bats.

 The Eye of Harmony is here and it is the device that powers the
entire TARDIS. If they can open it, they can find the Doctor. The
Bastard makes Chang Lee pull a staff out of its mooring and this
opens the eye a bit. 

 The Bastard explains that if Chang Lee looks into the beam of
light and the TARDIS really, REALLY likes him, it will open the
Eye totally. 

  And if it hates his guts, well his new nickname "Will be
One-eyed Jim, let's put it that way."

 The Bastard forces Chang Lee to look into the beam of blue light
to open it fully. 

 The Doctor seems to feel this, crying out that something is
happening. Yet he now knows who he is and excitedly tells Grace,
"I know who I am!" 

 He kisses Grace even as she holds out a cross in front of her
body and threatens him with holy water. 

 The Doctor gives Grace serious tongue and then cries out 
"I am the Doctor!"

 Grace says that's good, and then asks him if he has a valid credit
card and any favourite positions. 

 He does. 

 The Bastard and Chang Lee in the cloister room of the TARDIS are
looking into the Eye and see an image of the 7th Doctor, which
Chang Lee recognizes. They then see the image of what the new
Doctor is doing right now -

"WOW!  He's banging that kinky doctor I told you about!"

 The Bastard looks very uncomfortable and changes the channel.

 On Eye Of Harmony 2, they see 3D holographic trinary DNA strands. 

  The Bastard stands back in awe - 

"The DNA structure...My GOD....The Doctor is half American!!! 

OF COURSE!  It explains everything.  That's why he feels he can
just waltz into any political situation, blow up the existing
leadership, and leave the ruined remains to a handful of fanatical

 Why didn't I see this before!?"

 Sadly, Grace is still swiping the Doctor's card as he pulls away.
"That was incredible."

"What was?  Oh...umm...did you go already?"

 Grace is then deeply disappointed and mildly disgusted as the
Doctor explains that he felt the presence of the Bastard, who is
planning to take the Doctor’s body. 

 "Wait...let me get this straight.  While you were going at it 
with me, you were thinking of some guy?"

 "No.  Not just any 'guy'.  The Bastard is the essence of pure
evil in this universe.  Immoral.  Cruel.  Pitiless."

 "Sounds interesting.  How do you know him?  Sounds pretty

 "We were roommates."

 Chang Lee and the Bastard see Grace's face, and a whole hell of
a lot more of her for that matter-of-fact.

  They know that they are seeing what the Doctor is seeing. Chang
Lee and the Bastard share a large buttery popcorn, but to their
disappointment the view suddenly vanishes as the Doctor shuts his

 The Doctor tells Grace that the Bastard has found a way to hack
into the Eye of Harmony, which is the power source at the heart of
the TARDIS, which is his ship that carries him through Time and

 Grace asks if the Bastard is like the devil, to which the Doctor
replies that the Bastard is a rival Time Lord, whose remains he
poured into a coke can, which he then lost after a martial arts
battle with some asian teens.

  Grace, who already thinks the Doctor is mad, takes this in stride
and asks if they should go to this Eye of Harmony and fix it.

 The Doctor explains that it's too dangerous - if he looks into
the Eye of Harmony, his soul will be destroyed allowing the Bastard
to steal his body and inhabit it for his own life -- it was his old
party trick back on Gallifrey.

 The Doctor explains to Grace that if the Eye isn't closed by
midnight, the planet will be sucked through it. 

 In order to save the earth, the Doctor must kill the Bastard
once and for all.

 Grace points to the revolver in the Doctor's belt and tells him
to "just shoot the dude in the head".

 The Doctor looks pained - "Conventional bullets won't kill him.
He's evolved far beyond that." 

 The Bastard laughs and tells Chang Lee that they need to find
the Doctor before the Doctor acquires the resources to kill him. 

 The Doctor shows Grace a news report on TV -- the tides are
rising at record amount, it is snowing in Hawaii, and it's actually
pleasant in England.

  When the newswoman reports that scientists are blaming the
fluctuation of Earth's magnetic pull that happens only every
thousand years, the Doctor laughs, sincerely -

"I love humans. They're always seeing patterns in things that
aren't there." 


"Well...the things are there, sure. But the patterns you see...
Sorry, I was talking out of my ass for a moment."

 The two of them see a report about an experimental "Ice Cannon"
being developed at the Institute of Weapon Advancement and
Research (IWAR). 

 A Lamborghini arrives outside of Grace's house and a man steps
out --  it is the Bastard with his shades on.

 The Doctor opens the door to him and asks if he knows where 
"I WAR" is. The Bastard smiles, "Of course I do." 

 The Doctor follows the stranger trustingly, and when Grace asks
him if it's safe to take a ride from some random guy in lame
shades, the Doctor explains - "Yes, but he IS driving a 
Lamborghini.  I thought you liked men with money."

 Grace jumps into the car with abandon.

 During the drive, the Doctor reveals he met Mark Twain and knew
Madam Curie intimately. Grace still doesn't believe the Doctor's
story, even sarcastically asking if Madam Curie dressed as kinky
as she does. 

 The car hits a bump and the Bastard's glasses fall off, giving the
Doctor a glimpse of his green eyes. When the car gets into a
traffic jam, the Doctor pulls off the shades, causing the Bastard
to spit out green goo, some of which gets on Grace's wrist as she
shields her face. The Doctor shoots the Bastard at point blank
range with his revolver, but this only seems to annoy him.

 The Doctor and Grace flee the car and run into a traffic cop who
just got off his motorcycle. He stops them and won't let them go
any further. Grace tries to explain the Doctor's oddness by
telling the cop, "He's British." 

 The Doctor holds the revolver to the cop's face, steals his keys,
and jumps on the motorcycle with Grace.

 The Bastard uses the commotion to make a break for it and pushes
the pedal to the metal.  It is only seconds later that the Doctor
kick-starts the bike. 

 The Bastard turns his torso and head to looks out the back 
window at the Doctor for several seconds.  When he turns to
face traffic again he is shocked to see a truck hauling cars
directly in front of him and does a comical spit take.

 However, the Bastard leans into the gas pedal and climbs the
ramp on the back of the truck at speed, which propels him up
and over the vehicle.

 The Doctor follows suit on his motorcycle.

 The Bastard is stunned to see the motorcycle in flight behind him
and decides to over take trucks and swerve lanes randomly.
The Doctor tells Grace to "Breathe in" as he takes a short cut 
between two trucks.

 The Bastard sees the Doctor approaching him quickly, and switches
on his indicator lights as if he is planning to get off the
freeway at the next exit.  Too close for comfort, the Bastard
jerks the wheel harshly and drives off the side of the freeway
smashing a concrete barrier, the Lamborghini drops 30 feet but
the Bastard and the car are unharmed.

 The Doctor follows the Bastard on the motorcycle, also driving
off the freeway at speed.

 Several blocks ahead, the Bastard turns a corner and smashes
through a huge pane of glass which was being carried across the
road by two workmen.

 Laughing insanely the Bastard pulls into a school zone.

 The Doctor looks on - "We got 'em now.  Even the Bastard isn't
evil enough to drive over 20 in a school zone!"

 We cut back to the Bastard to see that he is driving at 140 mph
ON the school's asphalt blacktop.  Children everywhere flee from
games of basketball and hopscotch.  

 The Bastard takes out an entire children's playground, a metal
horse on a spring bouncing off the hood of his car, as he laughs
 The Doctor drives into the school grounds, and leans down to
pick up a teddy bear with one arm while still driving.

  As he whizzes past a shocked boy he sticks out his arm and
hands the young lad the teddy bear -

 "I think this is yours, Junior."

 When the Doctor and Grace finally catch up with the Lamborghini
it's park outside of the IWAR development complex.

 Grace introduces the Doctor as Dr Foreman from London but a guard
has no intention of admitting him into the Deadly Weapons Expo

 The Doctor produces some children's tickets to the event, and
the guard, after a moment of indecisiveness lets them in
"As long as you promise not to touch anything."

 The Doctor tells Grace that the first thing they need to do is
to secure a working prototype of the Ice Cannon they saw on the
news earlier.

 They are overheard by Dr. Wagg, creator of the Ice Cannon. Wagg
confronts them and tells them he will not hear of allowing 
"Dr. Foreman" and Grace closer to his weapon. 

 The Doctor asks him to bend the rules and tells Wagg his big
secret -- "I’m half American, on my mother's side." 

 As Wagg looks incredulous, the Doctor lifts his pass from him. 

 At the case where the Ice Cannon prototype is stored, the Doctor
wishes he had his sonic screwdriver. 

 He fly kicks the glass display and it smashes into a million

 The display cabinet spews freezing cold gas into the surrounding
room, but the Doctor still rushes into the remains of the cabinet
to retrieve the weapon.

 When the Doctor emerges from the dry ice fog he is carrying
a gigantic weapon that looks like a gattling gun. 

 "It's going to take that thing to kill the Bastard?!"  Asks Grace
in shocked astonishment.

 "This toy?  No, this will only slow him down.  Quickly, we have
to get to the basement before any one notices the Ice Cannon has
been stolen."

 The Doctor is apparently oblivious of the multi-colored flashing
lights around him and the blaring sirens of alarm already filling
the building as he climbs down a metal ladder into a secret

 When Grace joins the Doctor she is shocked to see him standing
in front of futuristic and sleek looking jet fighter.

 The words "U.N.I.T. Advanced Air Attack Prototype" appear in
a blocky font on the side of the craft.

 Grace quickly becomes aware that the Doctor is not alone, he
seems to be conversing with a British officer of some sort or

 "Doctor old chap.  I was wondering what took you so long."

 "Have I ever saved the world before the nick of time, Brigadier?
  AHHH!!  Give me a hug you old son of a bitch."

 Grace watches as the Doctor enthusiastically hugs the Brigadier,
who appears as stiff as board and shows no response whatsoever
to the attention. 

  When the Doctor ceases his affections, the Brigadier seems
completely unfazed and reads from a clipboard.

 "Now that that silliness is over Doctor.  The Advanced Air
Attack Prototype, or AAAP, is City Submission Class.  It's
equipped with long range heat seeking missiles and an experimental
death ray."

 "Really?  What I shame.  I prefer tactical nukes."

 "Of course.  But these aren't those old 70s Death Rays we used to
deal with.  We've ironed out all those kinks.  Well, most of them."

 "Thanks Brigadier.  This will be a valuable tool in my defeat
of the Bastard. I'll win the day for you."

 "Don't win the day for me Doctor.  Win it for King and Country,
for old Blighty...and for America."

  "Yes sir." 

  "Oh and incidentally, while were on the subject.  I've talked
to the President and for some damned pig headed reason or other
he doesn't want you to actually destroy San Francisco.
Damned shame.  Think this would be a great opportunity to wipe
the world clean of those long haired, socialist, left leaning
pinkos.  Still, times are different.  Damn them, times are


 The Doctor and Grace climb into the jet fighter and Grace is
immediately confused.

 "Where's the joystick?  The instruments?  The control panel?"

 The Doctor smiles, points to his head and says "All in here." 

  We see the outside of the IWAR building suddenly burst open and
explode, as the experimental jet fighter shoots into the sky.
Inside the Doctor has a series of wires connected to his head
and explains that he is "one with the jet" and that together
he and the jet can sense the alien menace of the Bastard.

 The Bastard is standing on a beach in San Francisco with an
astonishing view of the Golden Gate Bridge.  He looks over the
waves and carefully watches a group of young boys constructing
a sand castle, his eyes covered by his thick black sunglasses.

 The Doctor flies over the beach and with perfect precision lands
the jet fighter mere feet from the Bastard.

 As the Doctor and Grace jump out onto the sand the Bastard

 "So, you've stolen the cannon and the experimental jet fighter for
me.  How kind of you Doctor.  Is it Christmas already?  And to
think, I didn't get you anything."

 The Doctor has reservations about attacking the Bastard with
heavy artillery on a beach filled with innocent people. 

 Instead the Doctor decides to rally the crowd on his side and
get them to subdue the Bastard for him.

 "Ladies and Gentlemen!  We must stop this man!  HE IS EVIL!"

 A group of people taking a healthy cookery class on the beach and
several office workers on their lunch breaks listen to the Doctor
and one asks "Umm..evil?  How?"

 "Well..LOOK AT HIM!!   He's obviously gay!"

 The crowd look at the Doctor and his clothing, and then at each
other and seem DEEPLY unimpressed.  "Pot, kettle, black." Chants
one man.

 "Oh yeah!" Continues the Doctor "He's also A SMOKER!"

  The crowd are incensed and as one rise up to attack, maul, and
mangle the Bastard.

  The Doctor and Grace smile and climb back abroad the jet sure
that the crazed mob will hold up the Bastard long enough for
the Doctor to advance plans elsewhere. 

  They fail to see Chang Lee, who comes to rescue the Bastard
seconds after they've lifted off. 

  As they violently break the sound barrier over the city, Grace
asks about her future but the Doctor won't tell her -- he explains
that he can't meddle with the delicate threads of the universe.
As he explains this he accidentally leans on a red button which
launches three missiles which completely destroy the TransAmerica

 The Doctor lands the jet fighter near the alley where he left
the TARDIS.  He explains to Grace that he always hides a set
of spare keys inside of the hubcaps.

 Without the aide of the sonic screwdriver it takes 30 painful
minutes to undo the lug nuts, but they finally recover the keys.

 Going into the TARDIS, they hear the cloister bell, signalling
the TARDIS is dying. 

 "It looks like the old dear needs a jump." The Doctor explains.

 The Doctor goes outside and opens up the hood of the Corvette
to expose a glowing engine, he then trails some very thick wires
back to the experimental fighter jet.

 Once back inside the Doctor hears Grace call the console low tech.
The Doctor explains that it was once comprised of the most advanced
technology in this universe -- but over the years parts have broken
down and been destroyed.  Over the centuries he's had to do 
emergency repairs with whatever he had, which was mostly old
style tiled-numbered alarm clocks and a few rolls of duct tape.

 He also explains that the TARDIS is capable of taking them to any
planet in the universe at any date in that planet's history -
as long as it's 20th century Earth. 

 "So Doctor, all this super science, temporal mechanics, 
interdimensional transference that why I felt so
weird when I walked into the threshold room of the TARDIS?"

 "Oh no, that's just where I keep the cat box.  Sorry."

 The Doctor closes the Eye of Harmony, but something is still
wrong so the Doctor opens the ceiling roof scanner dome. They look
at one minute after midnight -- there is no future.

 "The Bastard has somehow succeeded.  We are too late to save
this world.  Oh, well, there's always Gallifrey.  Maybe they'd
take me back."

 "WAIT!  We're talking about the earth here.  What do you mean
too late!  What's "too late"?  We have a goddamned time machine

 "So?  I don't understand what point your attempting to make."

 "Okay, get this TIME LORD.  Why not just go back a few days?"

 "What?  Go back in time before the Bastard opened the eye, thus
preventing his evil plan from ever getting off the drawing board?
That wouldn't be fair play.  
It would endanger the whole web of time. 
Make a mockery of all my struggles and adventures.
And GOD DAMMIT, why haven't I ever thought of that!?" 

 The Doctor turns back around to thank Grace for the fabulous
idea when he sees her body, unconscious and prone on the floor.
Above her body stands the Bastard with a giant wrench in his hand
and Chang Lee, both grinning wildly. 

 The Doctor tries to reason with Chang Lee but realises that Lee
believes that the Bastard owns both the TARDIS and the Doctor’s
body due to some insanely fiendish and deeply immoral bet on a 
game of poker. 

 Despite the Doctor’s arguments that drug money will be no good to
Lee once the Earth is destroyed, Lee doesn’t listen. 

 The Bastard descends the steps in the TARDIS in extremely camp
Time Lord attire, "I always dress for the occasion." 

 Flamboyantly, he counters the Doctor's arguments and kisses Lee
full on the lips.  "Did I mention I like boys?"

 The Doctor tries to tell Lee the truth, that the Bastard will
just use him and expect him to do all the housework as well,
but Chang Lee is under some hypnotic spell.

 The Bastard presents the Doctor with a metallic crown of nails
and forces it onto his head.

  The Bastard explains that it is thanks to the Doctor that Chang
Lee no longer has anything positive left on earth; No Golden
Dragon gang to protect him, no flashy sports car as the Doctor
promised him whilst dying in the alley, but with the Bastard he
gets to see the Universe. 

 The Doctor cries out that this is Lee’s last chance to get out
of a really horrible and unbalanced relationship.
 The Bastard asks the Doctor what the hell he knows about it, to
which the Doctor replies ‘Back in college.  We were roommates. 
You said you loved me.’

 Here the Bastard loses his cool in the debate and slips up, saying
that they were both just curious.

 Lee now knows the Bastard lied to him; He said he'd never been
attracted to another man before.

 The Bastard approaches Chang Lee and kills him by breaking his neck
and letting him drop. 

 The Bastard leans over Grace, spreads her eyelids apart and forces
her head into the light of the staff to re-open the Eye Of Harmony.

 "HEY!  Only I get to hold her head down like that!" Screams the
Doctor in vain.
 Grace goes blind but the Doctor yells to her from his chains where
he has been strung by his wrists and oiled, that her sight will

 When it does, she must go to the console room and re-route the
power. Grace says the Doctor will die if she leaves, but the Doctor
says they’ll all die if she doesn’t, with tears in her eyes she
reluctantly agrees. 

 The Bastard, now on the other balcony landing, shows the Doctor the
Yo-Yo of Rassilon.  "Just some little shiny thing I picked up
at a pawn shop this afternoon."  

 The Bastard now has the equipment that will help him take all the
Doctor's lives. Energy crackles between the two of them as the Eye
transfers the Doctor’s remaining five regenerations to the Bastard.

 The Bastard begins to briefly take on the face of the Doctor, and
he hears the Doctor's thoughts and feels his memories. Lightning
hits the city. The Doctor yells, "This can't be how it all ends...
Stop this, please...STOP!!!!!" 

 With a swelling of music, and a giant SWOOSH, the experimental
jet fighter flies into the main TARDIS control room.

 Inside the cockpit the Brigadier and another man pilot the
craft towards the balcony. 

 When they get close enough to see the white's the Bastard's eyes
the Brigadier bellows -

 "Sergeant Benton!  FIVE ROUNDS RAPID!"

 The balcony explodes beneath the Bastard's feet, but he quickly
rolls up into a ball, his ceremonial cloak flapping in the wind,
the Bastard lands with aplomb next the Doctor.

 The Doctor rips the metal headband of nails from his body and
enters a sprawling  martial arts stance, balancing his whole body
weight on one foot.

 The Bastard approaches him with the staff of light from the
eye of harmony, and attacks the Doctor, hitting and kicking him

 The Doctor makes a failed roundhouse kick and cries to the
Bastard -
"You want dominion over the living, yet all you do is KILL!"

 The Bastard thrusts with his staff and replies with a husky voice 
"Life is wasted on the living!"

 The Brigadier and Sergeant Benton strafe the area around the
Bastard, but simply create a wall of bullets around him, all
387 bullets somehow missing their mark.
 The Doctor breaks free as the TARDIS shakes, and the second the
hail of bullets ceases he rushes the Bastard and captures the staff
of light.

 The Bastard jumps on one leg, alternating legs between jumps to
avoid the wild straight pole thrusts of the Doctor. 

 The Bastard ends up holding onto a pole around the Eye, and
gloats that he once again has a hand on the Doctor's staff.

 The Doctor quickly jabs the staff forward and the Bastard falls
into the Eye, the power whirling him about as he calls for the

 Elsewhere in the TARDIS, Grace pushes the final button to set
the TARDIS travelling again and slumps over dead.  Radioactive
exposure from the eye of harmony has taken her life. 

 Time reverses from 12:00am on December 30th to 11:59pm on December
29th. The Doctor carries Grace to a leaf covered landing and lays
her next to Chang Lee's body. 


 The Brigadier and Sergeant Benton approach the Doctor with two
folded American flags.  "NO!!  IT WASN'T SUPPOSED TO END LIKE
THIS!" Screams the Doctor.

 Then, as it was waiting for the right dramatic timing, the Eye 
of Harmony emits two glowing balls of life force which enter into
the two dead humans. They awaken. 

 Chang Lee returns the Doctor's possessions to him, including
the Yo-Yo of Rassilon and the sonic screwdriver.

 Grace and the Doctor hug and the Eye closes, the Doctor telling
her the TARDIS is a sentimental old thing.

 Grace tells the Doctor that death is nothing to be scared of.
Both she and Chang Lee have been somewhere he hasn't. 

 When asked if they’ve gone back far enough, the Doctor says
either that or he’s talking to ghosts, and he doesn't believe in

 They are in the future now and look at the stars over the sky
scanner and see Gallifrey, which is 250 million light years away-
a good ten minutes in the TARDIS. 

 The Doctor explains the fate of the Bastard to Grace and Lee -

"He is lost, in the endless swirls of the time vortex. Hopefully
never to be seen again."

 "Wait, Doctor." Interrupted Grace.  "Doesn't the time vortex
actually give him access to every point in the history of time
and space?  Haven't we actually transformed him into some evil
Time God?"

 "Oh yeah, most probably.  I just wanted to gloss over that part."

 The TARDIS appears in a San Francisco park near Pete, who has
lost his job, his mind, and now lives on the streets with a
drinking problem.  Pete recognises the Doctor "Oh Jesus!" and
runs away into the night.

 The Doctor looks confused and then turns back to his two

 The Doctor tells Lee to keep the opium and re-start the Golden
Dragons as a new and more powerful drug cartel.  He promises to
pop along in another 119 years and pick up his share.

 Chang Lee takes the shit and beats it.

 Grace wonders if that is more interfering. It is. 

 He starts to warn her about something, "Grace, there's something
you should know..." Grace stops him, saying that she knows who she
is, and that’s enough. He asks her to come with him, but she asks
him to come with her. He calls that offer tempting. The two of them
kiss amid the fireworks in the night sky. The Doctor goes and the
TARDIS vanishes. 

 The TARDIS pulls away from Earth and enters the time vortex. The 
Doctor emerges from under the console, fixing some more things, he 
looks up towards the experimental jet fighter, the Brigadier,
and Sergeant Benton, gets a wild gleam in his eyes and says -

"Come on boys.  Let's go kill the Cybermen."


Book(s)/Other Related - 

Grace 1999

Doctor Who?  The Script of the Telefilm (Now printed on extra
flammable paper!)

Links and References - 
It would be a challenge to successfully introduce time lords,
regeneration, UNIT, sonic screw drivers, and time travel into
one high quality 90 minute story; to the best of my knowledge
it's never been done.

Untelevised Misadventures -
The Doctor casually mentions that once, in his third incarnation,
he fought the Bastard to the death, using only a toothpick and
a small slice of raw bacon. 

Groovy DVD Extras -

Several scenes which were cut for time -

The Bastard shows his "doll collection" to Chang Lee, and is deeply
hurt when the boy laughs at him

The Bastard steals the Lamborghini from a charity auction 

The Bastard blames Papa Smurf for the inefficient construction
methods employed during the building of the watermill


Dialogue Disasters -


Grace: Wait.  Did that guy just say he was the 'Mazda'?


Dialogue Triumphs - 


Grace: I can't make your dream come true forever, but I
       can make it come true today.  I do charge by the hour
       though.  And I charge extra for costumes.


Viewer Quotes -

"Doesn't seem that Americanized to me."  - Charles Daniels (1996)

"This may not be the sort of quote you're really looking for
Charles, but, honestly, what stands out in my mind is that at
LAST we had a truly fuckable Doctor Who for once.
I mean sure, I can see myself having sex with Tom Baker while
high or something, like in some messed up circle jerk after
massive amounts of dope and even then when I woke up I'd have
to shower for three weeks straight.  
But, I want to point out, that I'm not really gay.  I just want
to have sex with Paul McGann and Sean Connery.
Got that?  NOT GAY!"  
         - John "He's Really Not Gay You Know?" Finklestein (2004)

"I really hated this story.  It's so blatant.  We've got the
BADDIE of the piece and he's this homosexual pedophile who just
cares about sex and killing.  And then we've got the HERO who
goes around pretending to be straight, and true blooded American,
and all that Hollywood crap.  And then we find out that Mr.
Straight Icon Boy has actually had a gay affair before, but of
course NOW he sees that he was being used and it was evil and
wrong, and the BADDIE had just used him.
Honestly, why don't we just tell our children that the only way
to be nice and good in this world is to fuck people of the 
opposite sex and if you have one genuine homoerotic feeling in
your whole life you're a villainous child molester?!"
        - John "He's Really Not Gay You Know?" Finklestein (2005)

"I hear this is all so Americanized, but let's face it, Jon
Pertwee used to have motorcycle chases and fly jet aircraft all
the time.  There's not even one hovercraft in this story.
So, if anything, it's not Pertwee enough.  So yeah, that's why
I'm upset, three words: 'NOT PERTWEE ENOUGH!'"
                                        - Skullcrusher85, (2001)

Sylvester McCoy Speaks!

"When I walked into the project I felt that I should strive to
maintain a true sense of Britishness in all my acting, my
mannerisms, to assure in every way I could that the production
FELT very BBC.
 Then, about five minutes into the shooting, they hooked me up
to a series of wires and explained that I would be using the
Doctor's super Venusian Aikido to take out an Asian drug gang
and it would all be very Hong Kong cinema...and then they showed
me my paycheck, and I thought 'What the hell, this looks fun!'"

Paul McGann Speaks!

"When I saw the casting agent in Los Angeles I was modest and
said "You've got the wrong fella."

 To my surprise, the casting agent double checked and apologised
saying that he had, they were actually looking for Ted Danson.

 I was slightly crushed at that point, and later on, when Danson
turned them down, someone must have vaguely remembered talking to
me, and I got offered the role.

 Taking on such a key role hasn't really sunk in yet.  I think it
will take 2 or 3 seasons before I've really got a handle on it.

 Whatever happens, I won't be the George Lazenby of the Time Lords."

Rumors & Facts -

 The most surprising aspect of the Doctor Who American Style
(DWAS) is that it bore any resemblance at all to the original BBC

 When first commissioned DWAS was set on the planet Gallifrey
where a mysterious vampire known only as the Doctor was hunting
down members of the ancient Time Lord royal family, lead by his
archnemesis the Bastard, a cybernetic alien who recently invented
time travel in his shed.

 Executive producer Philip Segal was ultimately unhappy with the
script, and insisted that his favourite actor to portray the
Doctor be given the lead role in the production and that he
would accept no excuses -

 When he was later told that William Hartnell had been dead for
quite some time, he awkwardly stood by his word for months and
thus delayed the entire production.

 Segal went so far as to pen his own script on his own time
"Doctor Who, Return of Sensorites"; Which apparently did not
go down well.

 Segal did in fact commission a totally accurate replica of the
original police box; but this was never used as he was over ruled
and the TARDIS took the form of a Corvette with tinted windows

 Segal went even further when he pulled Ron Grainer out of
retirement to compose an updated version of the original theme
music AND hampered him severely by only allowing Grainer to use
equipment that would have been available in 1963.

 Of course this is not to deny that the movie was heavily
Americanised. Segal was however able to tone down the motorcycle
chase sequence and completely remove an underwater martial arts
sequence starring Sylvester McCoy and a tiger shark. 

 A severe weakness suffered by this production was a deep
misunderstanding of the original spirit of Doctor Who.  Case in 
point -

 The original point of the various strange items carried by the
Doctor in his pockets was that so he could easily get arrested
by concerned customs officials and also have all the basic 
paraphernalia for a kinky one night stand if the opportunity arose.
The Doctor almost never carried mystical Yo-Yos with badly explained
mind transference powers (except of course for Tom Baker, who did
sometimes, but please ignore that. I'm trying to make a point).

 Still, in some ways having the Doctor carry around potent
yo-yos from outerspace is getting off easy.  It could have been
much, much worse.

 After Segal's script was rejected, he was forced to use a studio
script writer.  Segal provided the script writer, Leekley, with
a detailed description of every existing episode of Doctor Who.

 Leekley reviewed this and then penned a script set in the Old
West entitled "Don't Shoot, I'm The Doctor".   This radical 
re-think of the Doctor Who concept would have featured the 
Doctor as a renegade Texas Ranger who travelled to Tombstone to
track down a Mexican outlaw known only as "El Bastarderro".

 Segal was adamant that Doctor Who was NOT a Western.  The studio
heads complained that Segal was trying to "put creativity in a box".
Segal was sent a series of illustrations which depicted the Doctor
as a drunken Sheriff passed his prime, "living on broken promises
and borrowed time".

 Meanwhile, Segal called up Adam Ant, Rowan Atkinson, Chris Barrie,
Sean Bean, Jeremy Brett, Jim Broadbent, Pierce Brosnan, Simon
Callow, Martin Clunes, Michael Crawford, Tim Curry, Timothy Dalton,
Rupert Everett, Ralph Fiennes, Hugh Grant, Robert Hardy, Anthony
Stewart Head, John Hurt, Eric Idle, Derek Jacobi, Ben Kingsley, Rob
Lowe, Malcolm McDowell, Ian McKellen, Sam Neill, Peter O'Toole,
Michael Palin, Jonathan Pryce, Aidan Quinn, Tony Slattery, Patrick
Stewart, and Kermit the Frog - who all said "No."

 Leekley, hoping that Kermit the Frog would accept, changed his
idea away from a Western - as he thought a frog sheriff was "too

 Leekley's second story proposal was based off of the episode 
descriptions provided by Segal, but comprised of story details
apparently chosen at random -

 In the midst of a Quirk attack on Gallifrey, President Borusa dies,
allowing the Bastard to become President of the Time Lords. The
Doctor flees in his TARDIS, which somehow contains Borusa's ghost,
whom the Doctor seeks assistance from in times of great crisis. 

 Borusa uses his influence over the TARDIS to pilot the Doctor to
World War II London. There the Doctor meets American WAC Lizzie
Travis. Together, the Doctor and Lizzie travel back to Ancient
Egypt to find King Tut, only to be attacked by the Cybermen. 

 The Doctor then travels back to Gallifrey, where a suspiciously
friendly Bastard sends him and Lizzie to Fargo to stop Lavros from
creating the Dustbins. 

 In the process, the Bastard takes control of the Dustbin army and
has them destroy Lavros. The Doctor escapes and returns Lizzie to
Earth, then heads off to continue his search for his lost brother

 A revised version of this script eliminated the Cybermen and
added a series of James Bondesque henchman for the Bastard.

 Meanwhile Segal was getting even MORE desperate to find an actor
willing to play the title role of "The Doctor".  He sent frantic
e-mails to Jason Connery, Alexis Denisoff, Matt Frewer, Jeff
Goldblum, Rutger Hauer, Chris Isaak, Kyle MacLachlan, Gary Sinise,
and Adam West. 

 By the end of August, though, he was notoriously hated across
Hollywood for spamming.

 The e-mail message being this -

 Subject: Iz a Doxtor Who? film ok 4 u?

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accident in Nigeria.  Millions of fans mourned, Doctor Who left
behind countless friends and a robot dog.

 But Doctor WHo can live again!  If you will e-mail your credit
card details to us, and appear for a simple screen test in Vancouver
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 Through mid-September, Leekley's script made the rounds of all
the various organisations which had to approve it (Amblin, BBC
Television, BBC Enterprises, the Fox network, Universal, and

 Satan passed along the scripts to Steven Spielberg who was
immediately incensed, insisting that "This 'Doctor Who'
character is a blatant rip-off of Indiana Jones!"

 Various attempts to convince Spielberg that Doctor Who was
created 18 years before Indiana Jones met with disaster.
In order to appease Spielberg the studios asked Segal to start
again with a new writer.

 Annoyed, Segal decided to really give them hell. Segal called
up his secret weapon - veteran Doctor Who author and longtime
fan Father James O' Maley.

 O'Maley agreed to put together a new story proposal, using
Leekley's script as a starting point, but wanted to accentuate
its violent, or as he put it "fun", aspects. 

 On October 7th, 1994 Father James delivered a new draft of the
storyline - "Doctor Who Revenge of the Furher".

  This time, in the process of meeting Lizzie in World War II
London, the Doctor also discovers that his father was Adolf Hitler.
They travel forward in time to the Moon in the year 1954 where
Hitler is living in a secret Nazi moon base, planning a massive
world-domination come back tour.

 The Bastard then lures the Doctor, Hitler and Lizzie to Fargo
where he offers them complete control of a new mutant master race. 

 There, the Doctor helps his Hitler construct a time-travelling
warship, though the Bastard himself escapes with giant female
androids based loosely on the mythical Valkyries of Wagner. 

 After this was rejected for being "a bit more pro-Nazi than
typical Doctor Who fare", Father James was sent back to the
drawing board. 

 In his next draft "Dr Who?" -- Hitler is revealed to be an
android left behind by a race of shape-shifting humanoids called
"the Grmmm", Lizzie Travis was renamed Mistress Mungo, and the
TARDIS begins the adventure shaped like Zepplin and with a
functioning chameleon circuit.

 O'Maley's next draft, delivered on February 3rd, 1995, was
an even more substantial departure from the original spirit of
Doctor Who.  In this version the Doctor is an alien hunter who
seeks out hostile aliens across the cosmos and "neutralises"
them.  A jackbooted pawn of a totalitarian Time Lord regime
the Doctor works closely with his half-brother Jonathan Bastard.
They begin the adventure by "neutralising" the planet Telos
which was the stronghold of a race of Cybernetic humans called
"The Gyxzrydhsi".
 After this successful mission, the Furher of the Time Lords
sends the duo to wipe out a species called "Humanity" which the
Historical Projection Matrix concludes has a 0.0001% chance
of becoming a minor threat to the Gallifreyian Empire in 
3 billion years time.

 The Doctor and Johnathan Bastard happily perform their duties
and on the first night happily report the destruction of San
Diego, Paris, and Hong Kong.

 A fault with their orbital city killer weaponry causes the
duo to make an emergency landing in New York City.

 The Bastard is deeply unimpressed with humanity and explains
that this is why they travel the universe, to stop things like
this happening.

 The Doctor however sleeps with some girl named Sarah that he
meets on the back of subway train, and decides that he wants
humanity to live.

 The Bastard and the Doctor fight in the time honoured
Gallifreyian tradition, with nothing but katanas and Luger
pistols, and the Doctor emerges victorious.  Saving the earth
from destruction.

 At this point, Fox intervened and indicated that they were not
happy with the direction O'Maley was taking the project --
indeed, they suggested just shooting a random 4th Doctor script
and hoping for the best.

 Fox's vice president in charge of movies however saw potential
in the O'Maley work and asked Segal to request one further
treatment, something more modern and down to earth.

 Segal approached O'Maley and told him to cut the crap, and
just write some thoughtless, modern day, American action movie

 I've heard tales that O'Maley's eyes glowed with delight.

 By May 19th, O'Maley had composed a totally new storyline;

 The Doctor arrives on modern-day Earth in Los Angeles.
A shape-shifting Bastard attacks the Doctor, mortally wounding
him. The Doctor's body is found by a street kid named Jack. Jack
brings the Doctor to the hospital, where he is operated on -- 
unsuccessfully -- by a drunk guy who just got bored in while
waiting in the waiting room. 

 In the morgue, the Doctor regenerates; meanwhile, the Bastard
plays Pac-Man at a nearby pizziera.

 Jack gains access to the TARDIS using car keys he pilfered from
the Doctor's body. The Bastard raises Jack's father from the
dead and through him uses Jack to take over the TARDIS. 

 As Halloween approaches, the Bastard uses the TARDIS to unleash
an army of the dead. 

 Zombies kill everyone on earth.
 The End.

 Overall Segal LOVED the new script, he just had hoped for
a more cheery ending.

 Alterations were made by the time of the next draft - 
The date was shifted to the days leading up to New Year's Eve 
instead of Halloween, San Francisco was specified as the location, 
and zombies didn't kill everyone.

 But other than that there weren't many changes.

 In the final draft, the zombies were dropped altogether and
a new plot involving UNIT was added in to make up the time.

 The next step was to intimidate people to actually appear in
the production.  
 Sylvester McCoy had already agreed to appear, the amount of
blackmail held against him often being described as "monstrous".

 Sophie Aldred was successful in gaining a restraining order
from the various media partners, and therefore was allowed her
freedom, after three tense weeks of hiding in Morocco.

 John Levene lived in the LA area and was therefore readily
available, and Nicholas Courtney was offered a free bottle
of vodka.

 To appease Sylvester McCoy, Segal decided to radically alter the
look of the Seventh Doctor - No longer would Sylvester McCoy have
to have a giant red question mark tattooed on each cheek.
McCoy kept the umbrella and the hat, but was glad to see the last
of the question-mark pullover which was ceremonially burned whilst
being worn by an effigy of JST.

 For the role of the newest Doctor, Alan Davies, Alfred Molina,
Julian Sands, Arnold Vosloo, Peter Weller, and Keanu Reeves
were all contacted, and all shouted down a long list of obscenities
down the line, which the production office took as "No".

 Segal also wanted a big name actor to play The Bastard.  Segal
felt that the Bastard's quirky sense of humour should be brought
to the forefront as his motivation.

 "The Bastard doesn't want to rule the universe because he's got
some twisted ego-maniac desire, or because he feels he is the heir
to some mystical destiny, but because it's a laugh."

 Christopher Lloyd, Dan Aykroyd, Scott Bakula, James Belushi,
pop star David Bowie, Steve Buscemi, Dana Carvey, Chevy Chase, 
Tim Curry, Richard Dreyfuss, Matt Frewer, Jeff Goldblum, John
Lithgow, Randy Quaid, Judge Reinhold, John Cleese, and even
Fozzy the Bear were approached about the role -- in each case
the actors claimed to be busy on other projects, dead, fictional,
or in some way or other unavailable for the role.

 In the end the production staff simply gave up and cast Eric

 With production just weeks away, the title role was still unfilled,
when, due to a quirk in his schedule and a fundamental
misunderstanding of the part on offer, Eddie Murphy became

 Bolstered by this news James O'Maley worked night and day on an
"edgier and more violent" script featuring gang fights and shoot
outs lifted almost directly from John Woo films.

 As the final day before production dawned, numerous difficulties
still remained to be overcome. Geoffrey Sax had originally been
promised a luxurious thirty-day shoot, but at the last moment this
was reduced to four days filming and 3 hours to edit all the footage
 Then Segal discovered that the BBC did not actually own the rights
to the Doctor Who theme music, The Sonic Screwdriver, The Seal of
Rassilon, The Dustbins, the character of The Doctor, or even the
word TARDIS; As these were apparently all sold in 1993 for 7 pounds
at a charity bootsale.

 The owner of all of these core trademarks of the Doctor Who
franchise, Wesley Hepsogg, wanted to charge 5000 pounds "for
every single usage of anything I feel to be 'Doctor Who'ish in
nature".   If he got his way simply calling their character
"The Doctor" would cost them roughly 500,000 pounds.

 Universal balked at this, but finally Segal convinced the BBC to
beat Hersogg to death with a piece of rebar, and then buy back
the rights from his grieving family.

 More problems hit the production when Eric Roberts started to
complain about the way his character was being handled.  Eric
Roberts had agreed to play the part of the Bastard, fully aware
that the character was an alien monster who's body was slowly

 Roberts explained that he simply didn't take into account that
a slowly decaying body might possibly call for him to wear make up
and possibly look unattractive on camera.  

 The production staff and Segal explained the history of the Bastard
and the visual themes within the script.

 "I tried to explain to Eric Roberts that we were trying to expose
the horror, the evil, the sick depravity of the Bastard.  The
Bastard was actually the walking dead.  This evil force that had
unjustly killed a living human being to continue it's deformed and
debauched lifestyle.  Roberts listened very calmly, nodded and
then asked-

 'Okay, well, can't we get that exact same message across by
having me just dress in dark sunglasses and a leather jacket?'

 I'm not entirely certain that Eric Roberts had really gotten my
point, but I didn't have time to argue, we only had 3 days of
filming time left, and he offered to supply his own costume...
which I later found out was just his regular street clothes." 

 This conflict had much larger repercussions on the production.
Eddie Murphy had insisted from day one that his Doctor dress in
a casual leather jacket and sunglasses.  This meant that from
a costume stand point the Bastard and the Doctor were wearing
nearly identical clothes.

 A short scene was written on the planet Gallifrey, in an attempt
to introduce the idea that the entire planet of the Time Lords
actually wears baggy white t-shirts, leather jackets, and

 This scene was later dropped however when Eddie Murphy became
unhappy with the development of the character of the Doctor and
retracted his commitment to the role.

 This looked like the death knell to the entire project.  Someone
however vaguely remembered speaking to Paul McGann about the role
and he was offered the part. 

 The biggest concern now left to the production was that no costume
existed for Paul McGann, but with no time to design and create a
new one, McGann was asked to appear in his regular street clothes.
Which...for some sick and thankful reason was a frock coat.
Thank god for eccentrics! 

 Post-production saw various trims to the material, most seemingly
carried out at random, as they only had three hours to complete
the final cut of the movie.  The entire first 15 minutes of the
movie were excised, in which Sylvester McCoy challenges a
superhuman robot in the midst of a bombed out warzone for the
Bastard's remains.

 No one was more surprised, and upset, than the BBC when the 
Doctor Who proved very successful in the UK.  

 In the UK the production earned 9.08 million viewers and was
9th in ratings for the week. The production was given virtually
unanimous praise and applause by audiences and critics alike.

 The BBC apparently saw this as a disastrous failure, pointing
out that it did in fact NOT trigger the rapture as they had been

 Doctor Who American Style deserves praise and credit for what it
was - An odd, unique, and interesting exploration of Doctor Who
mythos that has it's own special place in the complex fabric of 40
years of storytelling.  

 In 1996 it was the guilty, intense, seductive one-night-stand of
Doctor Who fandom.  Like fondling a co-worker you've always desired
while drunk at an office Christmas party, or picking up that special
someone/something whilst completely stoned in a brown cafe in
Amsterdam, it left a distinct and unusual flavour in one's mouth,
a sense of something slightly wrong and awkward, a rush of
excitement, a tingling of fear, and the certain knowledge that it
could never EVER happen again.    


 Not that I'm speaking from experience or anything...that was all
wild fantasy people...(unconvincing cough)....

 Aahmmm, in closing...

 If the movie has a central theme, it is the Doctor is Jesus and
the Bastard is the Devil who likes to kiss boys.