The Death of Doctor Who

By Charles Daniels

The Anniversary Special From Hell
By Charles Daniels

(A long scenic shot of a beautiful garden.  Peaceful, Doctor Who anniversary
music fills the air.  The 1st Doctor and Susan make their way down a
as they admire the view.  Butterflies fly down from the air to land on the
Doctor's shoulders as they finally come to a well and take a short rest)

(Coming the other direction down the footpath is the 2nd Doctor, Jamie,
and Victoria.  They jovially prance and joke about together as they approach
THE ORIGINAL Doctor and his granddaughter.)

(The first Doctor looks up, noticing the new arrivals for the first time)

1st Doctor: Hello my dear boy!  What are you doing here, hmm?

(The 2nd Doctor extends both his arms in a double handshake...and doesn't
let go.  The handshakes goes on for several moments before the 1st Doctor
becomes worried. Trying to free his hands the 1st Doctor is startled as
the 2nd Doctor screams and starts pulling on him.  The old man stumbles
under the force of the 2nd Doctor's strength and falls into well, splashing
to his doom!)

2nd Doctor: I'm the Doctor now!!  I'm the Doctor now!!  YES!!!!!!!!!!!

SUSAN: You killed Grandfather!

2nd: Oh yes I did, well I can be a bit naughty can't I?  One can't be nice
     ALL the time.

SUSAN: You're not going to kill me too, are you?

2nd Doctor: No, no, of course not.  You're my granddaughter Susan!

SUSAN: Oh, thank Rassilon's Sash!

2nd Doctor: (evil look) Jamie, Victoria!  You know what to do!

(Jamie and Victoria rush Susan, tying her up, punching her only
and pick her up in between them)

2nd Doctor: Now when I say "heave", HEAVE!  (pause)  HEAVE!

(Jamie and Victoria heave Susan into the well, screaming, and with a splash
she too is disposed of.  The Doctor is absolutely giddy!)

2nd Doctor: Oh great jumping gobstoppers!  I always wanted to do that!

Victoria: You're so evil at times!

2nd Doctor: Yes, yes I am.  Thank you for the observation Victoria.

(A young woman, Jo, walks up and puts her arms around Jamie.)

Jo: Hello there soldier.  I heard you were the template for a whole race of
    Daleks.   Daleks are so sexy.

Jamie: Oh, aye, eh?

2nd Doctor: I know that hippy chick!

Jamie: Oh, eh, you remembering your own future again then Doctor?

2nd Doctor: (pointing at Jo) It's a trap!

3rd Doctor: (Appearing out of nowhere)  Quite indeed my dear chap!

(2nd Doctor turns around terrified)

2nd Doctor: My dear giddy aunt, gazooks, and gazads!

3rd Doctor: You always were a man for words!

Victoria: (Looking concerned)  Who are you?

3rd Doctor: I *AM* The Doctor!

2nd Doctor: What are you doing here?

3rd Doctor: I've just come to show you my Venusian nerve grip old chum.

2nd Doctor: Don't you mean Vulcan nerve pinch?

3rd Doctor: Same difference.

(The 3rd Doctor reaches out and crushes the 2nd Doctor's shoulder)

3rd Doctor: Poor fellow, what could he do?  I was after all friends
            with Adolf Hitler.

(Jo looks up from Jamie surprised)

JO: You never mentioned that before!

3rd Doctor: Yes him, me and Mao Tse Tung used to raise a hell of time.  That
            was after my brief stint as Ghangis Khan.  Still, that's all
            in the past, or is it the future?   Nevermind, be a good girl,
            come along Jo.

JO: But what about the Doctor's companions?  Shouldn't we kill them too?

3rd Doctor: Oh thanks for reminding me.  No, I think I have a gimmicky
            gadget that will fix everything.

(The Doctor produces a long silver object)

Jo: The sonic screwdriver?  Can that thing do EVERYTHING?

3rd Doctor: This isn't the sonic screwdriver.  It's a little memory erasing
            device called-

JO: The Neuralizer.

3rd Doctor: Yes, however did you know?

Jo: I'm beginning to think I've seen most the films you've nicked the ideas
    of your gimmicky gadgets from.

(The 3rd Doctor gives Jo a sour look and flashy things Jamie and Victoria)

3rd: There, now they've forgotten that they've ever travelled with me.

(The 3rd Doctor boldly strides away with confidence, when he suddenly
slips up into the air and falls into the well with a splash!
Looking over the well we see the 4th Doctor has successfully tripped
the 3rd on his scarf!)

4th Doctor: (smiling) Have a nice trip!  See you next fall!

Sarah Jane: (now magically near Doctor) That's just childish!

4th Doctor: What's the fun of being an adult if you can't kill yourself and
            make childish puns afterwards?

Sarah Jane: Anyway I don't see the point of all this killing in the first

4th Doctor: Each of my regenerations has been gathered to fight until one
            true Doctor emerges.  To quote an old earth film "There can be
            only one."

(The 5th Doctor approaches with a hand held laser weapon)

5th Doctor: That's right.  And that will be me.

4th Doctor: You're carrying a gun!  How very unsporting of you!

5th Doctor: You're not the real Doctor are you?

4th Doctor: My dear chap, however did you deduce that?

5th Doctor: An anniversary special, and you're here.

4th Doctor: Well it had to happen eventually you know.  Now look, why don't
            you put away that silly gun and we can have a chat, ok?

5th Doctor: I must kill you.  I must be THE Doctor.

4th Doctor: Yes, but I'll be a really nice guy and never bother you ever, ever
            if you let me and my travelling companion escape.  I'll be super
            nice with sugar on top!

5th Doctor: Really?

4th Doctor: Oh yes, most definitely.  Won't we Sarah Jane?

Sarah Jane: Whatever you say Doctor.

5th Doctor: Promise?

4th Doctor: Promise.

(The 5th Doctor puts away the gun)

5th Doctor: Oh alright.  I guess I have your word.

(The 4th Doctor smiles, and then kung fu kicks the 5th Doctor into the well,
with a splash)

4th Doctor: Poor bastard.  He should know never to trust strangers.

Sarah Jane: But you're not a stranger!

4th Doctor: I'm the strangest man I know.

(Tegan rushes up to the Doctor and Sarah Jane looking concerned)

TEGAN: Have either of you seen the Doctor?  He promised to take me home!

DOCTOR: I'm sorry, I think I just kicked your Doctor down the well.

TEGAN: What??  HOW AM I GOING TO GET HOME!?!?   I really liked the Doctor!
       He was so kind and cute, and...I wanted to take him home...I MEAN
       I wanted him to take ME home.  And Now he can't!

(A frustrated Tegan knees the Doctor in the groin, he falls to the ground
in pain)

Doctor: It's the end....

Tegan: Oh don't be so mellow dramatic!

Doctor: I'm going to die...ahhhhhhhhhhh!

Sarah Jane: You'll feel better later, you'll be okay, YOU MUST BE.

Doctor: It's the end...and I should have been better prepared for.

Tegan: I put up with this crap once before.

(The Doctor closes his eyes, and begins to change)

(The 6th Doctor leaps up)

6th Doctor: Change!  And I'm not talking about my pay check!

Tegan & Sarah Jane: Doctor?  Is that You?

6th Doctor: Yes, I'm afraid it is.  Now where is that annoying American
            woman with the massive cleavage.  I feel a certain longing for
            her presence.......well nevermind!   I shall be the longest
            living Doctor of them all.  I shall go to brave new worlds,
            boldly seek out new dimensions and new civilizations.  Travel
            where no time traveller has ever gone before.

(The Doctor approaches a TARDIS console mysteriously left in the middle of
the field.  Sarah Jane and Tegan are suspicious of it, but the Doctor
up with confidence)

(A strange, small Scottish fellow emerges from behind the console)

7th Doctor: I have awaited your coming since the beginning of time.

6th Doctor: I admire your taste, still I wonder how many beings would
            gratefully make the same claim.

(The 7th Doctor wraps his arm around the 6th Doctor's shoulder)

7th Doctor: The console now works perfectly except for one minor malfunction.
            Take a look..HERE!

(The 7th Doctor screams as he pushes the 6th Doctor's head crashing against
the console with great force.  The 6th Doctor, rolls over, a gaping gash
in his forehead)

(Ace emerges from a strange whirlwind, and sees the 6th Doctor)

Ace: Wicked!  Did you do that Professor?

7th Doctor: Yes, I have planned this since the beginning of time.
            Now let's be off from this dangerous place!

(The 7th Doctor and Ace magically appear inside of the TARDIS, with console
intact.  The 7th Doctor manipulates the controls and they soon arrive at
their new destination)

(Walking otuside the TARDIS the 7th Doctor stretches his arms, and is
repeatedly doused with machine gun fire, pulling back we see the 8th Doctor
and Chung Lee wildly firing and laughing at the 7th Doctor is shot up)

8th Doctor: Wait!  Stop!  I remember now!  I AM THE DOCTOR!!!!!!
            The warm Gallifreyian nights, doing LSD at the Prydonian
            Academy, all those long steamy nights with Romana...
            Do you know what this means?

Chung Lee: Dude, you are just WAY too happy.

8th Doctor: Chung Lee, would you happen to have one of these cribs, where
            kickin' it, would be considered a primary activity?

Chung Lee: Ahh..thanks for the machine gun, but I really gotta life, and
           I can't hang out with a weirdo like you, or well.  THINK ABOUT IT.
           If I'm seen in the middle of SAN FRANSICO, with an English guy
           who acts as fruity as you?!  El Centro will kick my ass for sure.

8th Doctor: Please, I want to understand this earth thing you call ass
            kicking!   There's so much to explore and discover and find
            out and ahhhhhhhhhh...........

(The Doctor falls into a sewer vent, a strange shadowy figure emerges from
the darkness of the alley)

Chung Lee: (looking) Hey, aren't you that Mr. Bean dude?

(The 9th Doctor emerges in all his glory)

9th Doctor: Here is a bag of monies, (holding it out) which I will Not be
            giving you.

(Chung Lee raises his machine gun)

Chung Lee: What happened to the Doctor?

9th Doctor: I merely went back 100 years, and bribed the architect to
            place a faulty sewer vent right there, knowing that in 100
            years time it would have finally rotted away I came back
            to the present day to..

Chung Lee: This story's getting old already!  Why shouldn't I just
            shoot you and take all your stuff right now?

(Emma emerges from the darkness)

Chung Lee: Okay...I'm listening.  You got a date for me?

9th Doctor: I'm afraid not!  You see, Emma and I are in love, nothing can
            seperate us.

(The 10th Doctor emerges from the darkness of the alley)

10Th Doctor: Hello there, Emma my darling.

Emma: Doctor!  Is that you?  You're so handsome!

9th Doctor: Ah...I'm not exactly chopped liver myself you know.

(Emma rushes up to the 10th Doctor)

9th Doctor: My darling!  You can't run off with another man!  Even if that
            other man is me!

Emma: I'm sorry, he's alluring.

9th Doctor: But can't you see, he's going to kill me.

10th Doctor: Oh no, I'm just here to pick up the woman!  I don't care about
             killing you.  See you later.

(The 10 Doctor smiles and begins to walk off with Emma.  Chung Lee moves
his gun and blasts the 10th Doctor, who falls over dead)

9th Doctor: Thank you my dear boy!  You've done a very valuable service.
            Now leave, and I may forget you altogether.  Remember, don't
            be here for Christmas.

Chung Lee: Why not?

9th Doctor: Because if I have the grave misfortune to see you on Christmas
            day I will turn out your innards and turn you into a refreshing
            late afternoon pudding with slice of lemon.

(Chung Lee whips around and shoots the 9th Doctor too, who falls over dead)

(Emma rushes up to Chung Lee)

Emma: You killed them!

Chung Lee: Yup, just you and me now baby.

Emma: I could NEVER be interested in you!  You killed the men I love!
      The Doctor is a good and kind man.  Any of them would be thirty
      times the man you are.

(The 11th Doctor stumbles up, hiding his face in his jacket)

11th Doctor: Thank you...darling..hahaha..oh that word makes me all giggly!

Emma: Is that you Doctor?

11th Doctor: Yes, that's right..ohh dear..he knows about us, doesn't he?
             How embarrassing.  Hello Chung Lee!

Chung Lee: Hey, the Dork Doctor.

11th Doctor: I heard that!  That's not very nice you know.  I may, I may
             have to...well it wasn't very nice.

Emma: Do you still love me Doctor?

11th Doctor: OHH!  Oh dear!  That question's made me go all silly!

(Emma sighs)

Emma: He really is a dork.

Chung Lee: I called it baby.

Emma: You gotta place?

Chung Lee: Right off Mission Street!

Emma: Right, well off we go then.

Chung Lee: Really?  WOW!  Cool.

(Chung Lee and Emma walk off as the 11th Doctor looks on sadly.  After a
moment he musters some courage and runs after them, out of the alley.
Coming to the pavement he sees them already across the intersection, and
he runs blindly into the middle of the street, being hit by a car pulling
in for a stop!)

(The 11th Doctor lays, mortally wounded by the car, a young man rushes out
pulling up his pants)

11th Doctor: Oh, I'm sorry, I seem to have gotten in the way of your motor
             vehicle...(looks confused)...I'm sorry, but weren't you in
             Four Weddings and a Funeral?

(The man zips up his pants and has a pained expression on his face, a
woman, Bambi, dressed in only stockings and a tube top rushes out of
the other side of the car)

Bambi: Oh no!  We hit some guy!

11th Doctor: Yes, sorry about that.  Look just drive off and I'll die
             quietly, alright?

Bambi: Can't you help?  I thought you said you were a Doctor!

12th Doctor: Well, one of them yes, but, not a medical Doctor..well not
             really.  Well I lied you see.

Bambi:  That's okay, most of my customers do.

12th Doctor: Look, I better go.  I don't want to be caught up in one of
             these things.

(The 12th Doctor runs off down the street for about 3 blocks before he is
stopped by a blonde woman showing him some leg)

12th Doctor: Oh!  Hello!

(The Master emerges from the darkness of a nearby McDonalds...okay not dark
but definitely evil, he wears a long cloak)

Master: Looking for a date, Doctor?

12th Doctor: I should have known it was you all along!

Master: What?  I only just now stepped out of the McDonalds.

12th Doctor: I mean you behind this twisted anniversary special all along!

Master: I have no interest in your mutterings, Doctor.  I have, found myself,
        in this lonely city.  I have decided to settle down, and live quietly
        as a street pimp, carrying out a simple and rewarding life.

12th Doctor: Really?  Well, I'm prepared to believe you.

Master: (Smiling)  Excellent.  I have chosen this woman, especially for you.
        She will be the most fascinating of all your....companions.  I think
        you will find you have much in common.

(The blond walks up the the Doctor and smiles)

12th Doctor: Hello there, my ravishing beauty.

Blond: Hello there..Doctor.

12th Doctor: Your temporal vessel or mine?

(The blond giggles as they walk into the Master's TARDIS, not so cleverly
disguised as a McDonalds in the middle of San Francisco)

(Moments later the 12th Doctor emerges, clutching himself randomly in pain)

12th Doctor: AHHHH!!! AHHHHH!!  DYING!

(The Blond walks out and hugs the Master)

Master: Doctor!  Meet your doom...The DOCTOR!

12th Doctor: You are my final incarnation?  WHY?  HOW!?!

Master: In my 936 years in the sewers, I developed a rampant social disease,
        which I passed on to everyone, your 13th self is but a carrier,
        goodbye Doctor!

(The 13th Doctor and the Master enter the McDonalds which mysteriously
vanishes, as the 12th Doctor dies)

(Inside the Master's TARDIS)

MASTER: You my love are the last of the Doctors.  We shall now be together
        for all time.

13th Doctor: Never before have I met a man, so suited to his name, my darling.
             We shall rule eternity.

Master: You're so flattering.  But yes, it is true, nothing in ze vorld can
        shtop us now.

(A strange, small, whimsical McGann-like man steps out of the back walls of

Master: Who are you?!

Rupert Booth Doc: I swore I would never do a story with you, but here I am!
                  To face my most predictable and keenly dressed enemy!
                  (silly nose wave)

Master: What is this mockery!?

Rupert Booth Doc: We're all here, and we're taking over!

(Rupert Booth steps back and allows in Jon Blum Doc, Doctor Lockwood,
Vicent Savage Doc, Dave Segal Doc, Jeffery Coburn Doc,  Steven Johnson Doc,
Adrian Hudson Doc, Joe Binks Doc,  Sean Corcoran Doc,  Matthew Wolff Doc,
Charles Daniels Doc, and a countless stream of Doctors!)

Jon Blum Doc: All this time you thought you were playing a sensible came of
              Clue, and all along we've been playing a silly game of hide and
              There are an infinity of Doctors, and you've got them all!