Dr Who Monster Guide

By Lee Sherman

The following is some vital information on some of Doctor Who's often neglected (and sometimes less realistic) monsters.

Episode: The Dalek Invasion of Earth
Monster: The Slyther
Kingdom: Monster exports from Skaro
Genus: Homonyms
Species: Polyethylene
AKA: Glad-Lock
Special Powers: Is somehow terrifying.
Weakness: Walks off a cliff for no apparent reason.
Notes: Parents actually called up the BBC complaining about how fearsome it was.

E: The Abominable Snowmen
M: Yeti
K: Primate-Imitating Robot Rodents
G: Fuzziform
S: Chipmonk
AKA: Bigfoot, Sasquash, the Abominable Snowman, Chippy, etc.
SP: Outacts Patrick Troughton.
W: Clusters.
N: Its roar sounds like a toilet flushing.

E: The Dominators
M: Quarks
K: Alimentary Particles
G: Mr. Coffee
S: (Not Ferengi)
AKA: Partons
SP: Are efficient killing machines.
W: There are MAYBE three of them.
N: Recharge! Recharge!

E: The Time Monster
M: Kronos
K: Felt Demons
G: Timex
S: $0.25 sq. ft.
AKA: The Time Munster
SP: Can mess with time.
W: It only APPEARS to fly.
N: It looks like a cross between the Tin Woodman and Big Bird.

E: The Ark in Space
M: The Wirrn
K: Goofey-Looking Latex Bugs
G: Hymenoptera (no relation)
S: Antoids
AKA: Them!
SP: Can lift up to 20 times their own weight.
W: Sugar.
N: They apparently created monsters that Tom Baker could defeat.

E: The Brain of Morbius
M: Morbius
K: Roadkill
G: Morbius International
S: Let's see ... part Macra, part Yeti, part Zarbi ...
AKA: Fish Bowl Head
SP: It has a brain.
W: Its brain doesn't work.
N. I have nothing to say about Morbius.

E: Kinda
M: The Mara
K: Bouncy Rubber Serpents
G: Kinda Snakelike
S: Synthetic
AKA: Butch
SP: Can mess with Tegan's mind.
W: The fake Mara in Snakedance is more realistic.
N: Neither episode it was in made sense.

E: The Trial of a Time Lord: The Mysterious Planet
M: Drathro
K: One O' Those Evil Robots You're Always Runnin' Into
G: Magnavox
S: Universal Remote
AKA: Dustpan Head
SP: I think it guards something, but they lost me in that whole saga.
W: Can be defeated by Colin Baker
N: Danger, Will Robinson, danger!

Episode: The Invisible Enemy
Monster: The Nucleus of the Swarm
Kingdom: Latex Protists
Genus: Seafood
Species: (possibly related to K-9)
AKA; Long John Silvers all you can eat
Special Powers: ?
Weakness: Keeping the costume on.
Notes: Whoever created this thing must have flunked microbiology.

E: Revenge of the Cybermen
M: Vogans
K: Extras
G: Mimas
S: 90% Foreheads
AKA: Bozo
SP: A hyperspace bypass.
W: Male pattern baldness.
N: I know they're the good guys, but just look at them!

E: Planet of Evil
M: Anti-Matter Monster
K: Overexposed Film
G: Homo
S: Anti-Sapien
AKA: Pantomime Squids
SP: Can rip off Lost in Space.
W: Seams in costume are clearly visible.
N: It looks like the writers actually tried in this episode, the costume
department, on the other hand...

E: The Androids of Tara
M: Taran Woodbeast
K: Muppet Rejects
G: Anonymous Unemployed Actor
S: Sports Mascots
AKA: Rush Limbaugh
SP: Ask Monty Python.
W: Hot days location filming in a furry suit.
N: I don't mean to keep bashing Tom Baker era monsters, but they're so ridiculous.

E: Nightmare of Eden
M: The Mandrel
K: Lesser Nightmares of Eden
G: Fish?
S: Maninasuit
AKA: Disco Stu
SP: Is on Doctor Who.
W: Stayin' alive.
N: Even the Doctor Who Appreciation Society disliked it.

E: Four to Doomsday
M: Urbankans
K: Bud
G: Wies
S: Er
AKA: Monarch, Enlightenment, Persuasion, and Shemp
SP: I'm not even going to dignify that with a response.
W: Acting. Definitely.
N: Although they're humerously referred to as "the frogs," they don't look like frogs, they look like people in bald caps and green makeup.

E: Terminus
M: The Garm
K: Monsters Assembled on short notice.
G: Canis
S: Rediculous
AKA: Jim-Jim the dog-faced boy.
SP: Scratching the couch.
W: I think that it's obvious.
N: I'm convinced that its vest was part of the Krarg costume from Shada.

E: The Happiness Patrol
M: The Kandyman
K: Urban Legends... whoops, wrong Candyman
G: Chuckles
S: Kandypersons
AKA: Bertie Bassett
SP: See Urbankans
W: That spray stuff the Doctor has.
N: Bassett Foods almost sued the B.B.C., caiming it resembled their logo, Bertie Bassett. I don't know what Bertie Bassett looks like, so I can't tell you if that's true.