Newbie FAQ -- for newbies

At the risk of sounding astute...
HERE IS WHAT KATE ORMAN DIDN'T WANT YOU TO SEE...
HERE IS WHAT KATE ORMAN DIDN'T WANT YOU TO READ...
HERE IS WHAT KATE ORMAN DOESN'T WANT YOU TO KNOW!!!

   IT'S...
______________      ______________      ______________
The Newbie FAQ!!!   The Newbie FAQ!!!   The Newbie FAQ!!!
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What is a newbie?
What is a FAQ?
What is a quote file?
What is quotefilephobia?
What is a kill file?

What is a "NA"?
What are "frocks" and "guns"?
Who are these people?
How should I act on this newgroup?
How can I make friends fast?


PART ONE
-----------------------

1. WHAT IS A NEWBIE?
You are. But if you didn't know that already, then you're probably too 
stupid to understand.

2. WHAT IS A FAQ?
The singular form of "FAX".

3. WHAT IS A QUOTE FILE?
Occasionally, some people make comments that are way off-topic. To deter 
this, their comments are recorded in a quote file which is publically 
accessible. People usually feel very dirty and ashamed the first time their 
name appears in a quote file, but it happens to everyone eventually. Even 
though they serve a useful purpose, some newsgroups ban quote files, 
because of the number of suicides they have caused.

4. WHAT IS QUOTEFILEPHOBIA?
A condition in which a poster goes overboard making strange nad absurd 
remarks, in hopes that people will think he or she is trying to be 
quotefiled, in order to avoid being quotefiled. It rarely works.
(Note: Don't confuse this with weeKlystatphobia, which can lead to 
multiple personality disorder.)

5. WHAT IS A KILL FILE?
A personal hitlist of the people you want to kill. When someone puts you in 
their kill file, a signal is sent out across the internet which retrieves any 
information it can find out about you from your personal computer, as well 
as your service provider, school, employer, and any government agencies. 
Most people think kill-files are just a joke, but if too many people 
kill-file you then some psychopathic vigilantes will probably notice, and 
then you're as good as dead.


PART TWO:
-----------------------

6. WHAT IS A "NA"?
Not Available (in a store near you).

7. WHAT ARE "FROCKS" AND "GUNS"?
Freaks and goons.

8. WHO ARE THESE PEOPLE?

Brigadier Nathan Rogers - World renowned poet, aspiring to win the 
Pulitzer Prize. Some have accused him of plagiarism, and he was last seen 
being chased by a mob of angry fans.

Chris Heer - Escaped mental patient. When he was a boy, he claimed he was 
tormented by Norwegians who always called him "Chris Hveer". He still 
can't figure out what they were talking about.

Dave Becker - The catharsis of spurious morality. Need I say more?

Dave Yadalee - Official President of the newsgroup, democratically elected 
by anonymous balet. Dave is well known for making long boring speeches 
about the moral crisis in our world today. He's a good Republican.

Jill Deel - Official Moderator of the newsgroup, by rule of thumb. If you 
get out of line, she'll come over to your house and gouge your eyes out.

Jonathan Blum - Right wing Christian fundamentalist. He belongs to 
several militia groups and enjoys senseless violence, which is why he has 
a large gun collection (as if there could be any other reason).

Kate Orman - Pagan devil-worshipper who allegedly drinks the blood of 
newborn babies and then eats their brains. She has a great sense of 
humour.

Larry 'Bud' Melman - None of your damn business!

Random Companion - Bloodsucking carnivore posing as a militant 
vegetarian. She thinks the human race was a mistake, and intends to eat 
every one of us until that mistake is corrected.

Segonax - alias for this entire newsgroup as a collective whole. It was 
named after a planet in a story from Season 25, where a bunch of weirdos 
lived in a deranged circus.


9. HOW SHOULD I ACT ON THIS NEWSGROUP?

Unless you are a master debater, you should be very passive and always 
say 'yes master' or 'yes mistress', depending on their preference, 
whenever someone insults you. If you are a master debater, then make sure 
you insult people on purpose before you do it accidentally, otherwise you 
will have to apologise. If someone calls you "fuckhead" or "pondscum" then 
you must either commit suicide or give them the finger.

10. HOW CAN I MAKE FRIENDS FAST?

It's quite simple really. Just tell the truth. There is nothing that people 
around here respect more than an honest and direct opinion about any 
subject, especially if it's about them. You'll find that the members of this 
newsgroup are very self-concious and are always striving to improve 
themselves, as well as their fellow comrades. Don't be afraid to speak out 
about anything that's important to you, because if anyone even dares flame 
you for doing so, you'll find that many people will come to your defence and 
support you.

11. IT'S OVER NOW. YOU CAN GO HOME.

This is the end of the Newbie FAQ, which contains everything there is to 
know about this newsgroup, so there really isn't any point in reading the 
other posts. You should probably delete them and forget about the whole 
thing. Bye.