Puppet Who FAQ

By Charles Daniels

                                PUPPET WHO FAQ
               By Charles "Master of Puppets" Daniels, Bsc, SsC

Version 1.0

Table Of Stuff

 1. What Is Puppet Who?
 2. Who Created Puppet Who?
 3. Does The Creator Of Puppet Who accept fan mail and sexual favors?
 4. Where Can I Get Puppet Who?
 5. What's The Deal With "The Five Puppets"?
 6. UNIT Dating
 7. Original Episode Titles
 8. Video Releases
 9. List Of Characters
10. Actors Involved In Puppet Who
11. The Future of Puppet Who
12. The Past Of Puppet Who
13. The Present of Puppet Who
14. The Alternate Realities of Puppet Who
15. The Ultimate Fanwank Guide to Puppet Who
16. Puppet Who Merchandise
17. Puppet Who Novels
18. Why Puppets?
19. Telesnap Puppet Who?
20. What About The Voices In Your Head?
21. Are there any Episode Synopsis Guides?
22. Violence In Puppet Who
23. Sex In Puppet Who
24. Drugs In Puppet Who 
25. Long Term Goals For Puppet Who
26. Suggestions


 1. What Is Puppet Who?

   Puppet Who is the brave and bold marriage of Puppets and Doctor Who.
    "I studied for years all of the best aspects of Doctor Who and 
     Puppeteering in a remote Tibetian Monastery.   Unfortunately 
     while training for enlightment I was smacked on the head by a
     monkey with a bamboo cane and forgot most my studies..but I've
     discovered a love of shiny things."  - Charles Daniels, 
     Puppet Fetish Magazine October 1992

   Unfortunately TV shows and Puppets can only legally be married in
   Hawaii and Nevada at this moment in time.


 2. Who Created Puppet Who?

    "Oh I (Charles Daniels) did definitely.  I recall because I was
     very bored one day, and there was no pornography around, and
     it came to me in a vision.  I'd do Doctor Who but in claymation!
     Ever since that vision I've been dedicated to a Puppet Based
     production.  I forgot about about the claymation.  Maybe I
     should have done this all on radio come to think of it.  I've
     always been unsure on the format, still, I've got made 10
     Golden Cybermen so I better do a puppet version!"  
       - Live Nude Puppet Quarterly, Summer 1994

   So yes, the answer is obvious, no one REALLY knows who created
   Puppet Who, it was obviously the product of long and heated
   debates between Charles and himself.


 3. Does The Creator Of Puppet Who accept fan mail and sexual favors?
      HELL YES!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!   


 4. Where Can I Get Puppet Who?

      See Question 3


 5. What's The Deal With "The Five Puppets"?

     Ahh yes! The ever confusing history of the Five Puppets, a
    Fifth Puppet Production.  There is much confusion because the
    story starts out with a clip of the 1st Puppet being book for
    soliciting a prostitute which just makes it all the more obvious
    that it is NOT a puppet of the 1st Puppet Who that appears in
    the story.  
      A few years before The Five Puppets, originally called the
    Six Puppets due to wonky vision and bad math, the 1st Puppet
    Who was thrown into a fire place as fuel for a night of naughty
    interludes.  Later when he was needed there was a rush to find
    the Puppet before everyone realised it had been burnt one  
    night in a local semi-sleazy hotel...the pictures used in evidence
    to this fact were also used as evidence in the resulting divorce
    case.  Anyway, all that could be found was a puppet of Leslie
    Neilsen who was soon cast as the first Puppet Who hoping that
    no one would notice.   However changing his scenes to make him
    a cop who didn't like his nickname of Shirley only further betrayed
    the casting change and this story would therefore be universally   
    seen as the worst story in Puppet Who history, as would most the others
    that have been made.

    "This woman looked seriously good, and I thought we had another
     puppet of the guy, really!  I mean if I knew that night what
     I knew now I'd never have chucked in that copy of Tenth Planet
     episode 4 as well."  - Charles Daniels, Airplane Magazine, June 1995


 6. UNIT Dating

    One of the most fiercely debated aspects in Doctor Who and Puppet
    Who Fandom, and it's FINALLY been resolved!!!  The definitive answer
    is that UNIT has a strict "Don't ask don't tell policy' as was 
    explained in "Barrack Buddies" -

    BRIGADIER: I don't care who you see Doctor!  If you want to
               pounce about with Jo Grant or not that's your decision!
               Still (pause) the men will miss you, especially Yates
               and myself.

       DOCTOR: Well thanks you freaking Bender.

    BRIGADIER: Don't ask, don't tell Doctor!   I mean it's for the  
               benefit of everyone!  No reason for everyone to know
               everyone's business.  Like Benton, I mean we all know
               he spends most nights curled up in bed next to that
               issue of Asian Doll Vixen For Men..why should we care
               if that man couldn't get a date one way or the other
               if he joined a cult of sex obssessed nymphomaniacs?


 7. Original Episode Titles

    There has been much debate over this and therefore a book will
    soon be released to cash in on the fan frenzy that will be thrown
    together with minimal research and confuse the issue even more.
    However in order to give you some teasers here are 10 samples,
    chosen at random from the hundreds available -

    Commonly Used Title         Original Working Title(s)
    ------------------          -------------------------
  1. The Ultimate Destruction   Opps! / Serial 23Y 

  2. The Time Of Fury           The Upset Foe / Beyond The Sun

  3. The Cyberwars of Telos     The Return of the Cybermen / Beyond The Sun

  4. Venusian Dreams of Glory   Venus Cutaway / Beyond The Sun 

  5. Death of the Unicorns      Sad Mythological Romp / Behind The Sun

  6. Limitless Horizons         Inside The Thing / Besides The Sun

  7. The Sin of Life            Don't Touch That! / Insert Effects Sheet

  8. The Time of Rassilon       That Time / Beneath The Sun /
                                The Silly Hat of Rassilon 

  9. The Fate Of Man            The Earth Invasion of Earth / 
                                The Enemy Within 

 10. Twilight of the Gods       Revenge of the Zarbi / Below The Sun /
                                Eegads! Giant Ants!! 


 8. Video Releases

    When these come out I'm going to give plenty of time for everyone
    to buy them all or most of them before releasing new extended versions
    that either make the stories finally make sense or just pad it out
    and let me have a blurb saying 'NEW FOOTAGE!' in a starburst on
    the box.  I'll also radically change the box/slip cover designs
    so people's entire collections look stupid when old and new videos
    are placed together, in order that people will have to go out and
    buy them all again.  Where possible I'll also cut vitally important
    scenes to get a lower rating.  


 9. List Of Characters

    In order to save time all the characters were taken directly from
    the Doctor Who live action TV series with only minimal changes.
    The most obvious changes being that the Doctor in Puppet Who always
    seems to be picking up companions at nudist colonies or at least
    favoring women with a fanatical hatred of clothes.

10. Actors Involved In Puppet Who

   There are many of these however they insisted they never be mentioned
   in any official sense as they still respect themselves and have 
   hopes for, or delusions about, further future careers.


11. The Future of Puppet Who

    With the approach of the new millenium and the heightened interest
    in science fiction and production of Science Fiction films and TV
    series everyone seems to be looking to the future - except the 
    creators of Puppet Who -

    "I'd be amazed if this thing lasts six months.  I'm already working
     on Puppet Red Dwarf..very challenging to get a puppet to eat a
     curry.  The FUTURE?  No, never thought of it."
        - Charles Daniels, Omni Magazine, November 1997


12. The Past Of Puppet Who

    Puppet Who has a dark and sordid past, which will be discussed at
    length in "I Did A Puppet Who Monster" By President Bill Clinton.
    Look at the shocking photos, pretend to read the shocking allegations.
    check out Peri's ***s on page 43!

     "The Past??  No, I'm too drunk to remember it!" 
      - Irish Soberity Magazine, Out Of Print Before Publication  


13. The Present of Puppet Who

     Like the number 13 itself, the Present of Puppet Who seems very
   unlucky.  Script excerpts have been released, letters been written,
   producers been sued, Barn Owls been imprisoned, directors wondering
   in drunk and vomitting on the actors.

     "It's a very hectic time."  - Charles Daniels, Understatement Weekly

14. The Alternate Realities of Puppet Who

     In another world very very different from ours, so different that
   it is openly speculated that the Spice Girls might have some talent
   however minute..Puppet Who is an AMAZING success!   BBC 3 airs
   Puppet Who every Saturday Evening without fail, school children
   impersonate their favorite Doctor with puppet-like motions and
   the fluid motions of the French speaking Daleks.  Puppet Who
   Merchandise has sold more than all Star Trek spinoffs combined,
   and Charles Daniels has established a military dictatorship in
   California and bits of Coventry, England.  

     "Well sure being a ruthless godless dictator is fun, but it's
      all about the fans!"  - Public Broadcast of His Imperial Majesty
      Dimension 431-q-fhd

     "I wish I was in that bastards shoes...here's it's all I can
      do to make a few lousy cardboard cut out Daleks stand in the
      backround menacingly!" - Charles Daniels, Drunken Loser Magazine
      Issue #Ahwhothehellcaresturntopage43andlookatPeri's***s.

15. The Ultimate Fanwank Guide to Puppet Who

    See page 43.
    But no seriously this is an upcoming book too!
    For all of you have wondered the secret combination to the Dalek City!
    To those who wondered the precise temperature change needed to
    decrystalize the Krotons!
    Those those of you who pondered the dimensionally trascendental
    physics that makes the TARDIS possible!
    Especially for those who speculated that the disappearing candle
    in episode 4 of the Chase was a Gallifreyian monitoring system!
    For those who want to now how to build a sonic screwdriver that works!
    And For those who wondered the original working title of Robot...


16. Puppet Who Merchandise

    There is none available at the moment.  Make some, send it to me,
    I'll sell it for a bundle!    You can't lose!!


17. Puppet Who Novels

    There have been plans for two seperate series of Puppet Who  
    adventures - the NAs, and the RNAs - the Naff Adventures and
    the Really Naff Adventures.  Sadly no one has come forth that
    has been enthusiastic enough to write a novel for Puppet Who
    at the rather pathetic pay rate they get for it.  Still if you
    want to write a Puppet Who Novel and aren't unrealisitically
    fussy about economics - like wanting to be paid with money
    or anything - we'd be happy to talk with you!  

    "I have a chapter or two for what I thought would be an NA
     but after reading it I realized it was an RNA and just decided
     to get drunk and forget it before it became a DNA." 
     - Charles Daniels, In between shots of tequila 


18. Why Puppets?

    Why NOT?!  No really, it's long been known that puppet actors can
    do things impossible for human actors to do and with human
    actors you need so many operators and they're so wooden and 
    hokey...ohh wait..damn..maybe we have this the wrong way around!


19. Telesnap Puppet Who?

      Telesnap Puppet Who exists in abundance.  Often there are
    technical problems, directorial problems, or the people who 
    make Puppet Who turn out too damn lazy to choreograph everything
    so they just find some pictures that have little or nothing
    to do with the story, make up some silly voices, and there you

    "I think telesnap Puppet Who is amazing!  We've had a lot of
     good reactions because people have to imagine things and
     often the wobbly sets and drunken puppets don't come off
     as obviously as they would if we really took the time to
     actually make them properly as scripted."
     - Charles Daniels in a cheap fake moustache, wig and sunglasses
       pretending to be someone else, date unknown


20. What About The Voices In Your Head?
    "Oh they're very nice, well most of them, well some of them,
     well one of them -- maybe.  Ted seems a lot nicer than
     Rachael.  Most the time we just have a pint together and
     go out for laughs.  Sometimes there's killing, but that's
     only when Steve drops by and no one likes him.  Still we
     all love puppet who, especially the demon like voice that
     urges me to look at page 43 a lot.  Still, I mean after all
     without them I'd be very bored indeed and end up calling some
     woman I hardly know on some 1-800 number on a daily basis,
     and that would be silly wouldn't it?"
     - Charles gets himself into a lot of trouble, Phone Bill Monthly


21. Are there any Episode Synopsis Guides?

    At least not now.
    Maybe someday.
    Does anyone honestly want one?
    I'd like some toast. 


22. Violence In Puppet Who

    "I for one was very concerned with violence in the series.  I
     always thought it should be horrifically violent.  Still we
     are very careful.  I mean we make sure the violence and horror
     are always something the kids can relate to immediately in their
     own environment.  Little kids running away from police officers
     under demonic influence and tugging at their parents' shoulder   
     "Mummy! MUMMY!" right before she turns around and you see she
     has no face.  That was a great one!  We avoid the big monsters
     and robots and things because kids don't have a context for
     that sort of thing and its all silly and bad padded foam rubber
     laytex when you get into that, and my opinion on padded foam rubber
     laytex is that it should stay off TV and stay in the bedroom.
     I'd love to give Mary Whitehouse a heart attack with that one!"
      -  A publicly concerned Charles Daniels at PuppetCon I  


23. Sex In Puppet Who

    "Sex in Puppet Who?  Yes there is quiet a bit.  That's part of 
     it's magic - well part of it's ratings anyway!  I wish there was
     more sex in it quite frankly, I mean I am always hoping for sex.
     Even though we've done some really great things in this area,
     page 43 for instance, we really need some MORE sex.  We haven't
     even scratched the surface - but we will do that soon with
     S&M of The Daleks!  There's a nice scene with Davros spanking
     Peri.  I'm really looking forward to seeing that - a few times.
     Still we mustn't forget Zoe's contribution to this issue,  I
     sure can't.  And then there's Jo Grant, and Sarah Jane Smith,
     I could just go on and on, and I wish they'd let me too!"
     - Charles Daniels, actual testimony in BBC Vs. Smut


24. Drugs In Puppet Who 

       Are there drugs in Puppet Who?  Well not for very long, as
     soon as they start passing them around on stage, at cons, love-ins,
     you best get them right away because they'll disappear faster than
     pizza at an office party. 

      "Wha??" - Second Puppet when asked about drug use  

      "Pass the bong spanky boy!" - Davros about share policy 

      "There's absolutely Puppet Who in drugs!" - a half-conscious 
       welsh man 

      "Drugs? No!  Silly! Silly! Silly!  There's never been any drugs
       in UNIT, and when I say there's never been ANY drugs in UNIT
       I mean there's quite a lot, but when ever any drugs are seen
       by anyone we ask them to report it immediately and fully to
       us so we can hush it up as soon as possible -- BENTON! Put 
       down that water pipe!"  - The Brigadier  

     See "Contact High Of the Daleks"


25. Long Term Goals For Puppet Who

     "Well obviously it's been said again and again that it's all about
      the fans..it's definitely all about the fans' money. Still, I think
      a goal of anyone associated with Doctor Who was to make a quality
      product for the whole family to enjoy and in puppet who it's just
      the same only it doesn't have to live up to the higher standards
      of quality, and we wanted something maybe only certain members
      of the family might enjoy, in secret, and we wanted to make lots
      of product and most importantly lots and lots of money.  So I
      guess it's nothing like Doctor Who really, but the MAIN issue
      is I want to make money, tons of it!  And then I want to buy
      a small Greek island and be pleasured by women, lots of them,
      it's really about the quantity of Puppet Who and the quality
      of my life.  Sure I could produce pieces of startling beautiful
      and thought provoking fiction, paying the writers would help no
      doubt, but still not make so much as a penny profit.  I mean 
      right now I'm paying an entire 6 pence per puppet! Much more
      of that kinda money thrown around and I won't be able to afford
      my daily Crunchie Bar fix!"
      - Charles Daniels, Corrupt Film Producer Journal, December 1997  


26. Suggestions

    Any INFO needed in the FAQ?  Tell ME!  I can't think for myself!

         (c) Charles Daniels, Wanker Puppet Productions, February 1998