Puppet Who FAQ
By Charles Daniels
PUPPET WHO FAQ
By Charles "Master of Puppets" Daniels, Bsc, SsC
cdaniels@calweb.com
nutcase@fireballxl5.net
Version 1.0
Table Of Stuff
1. What Is Puppet Who?
2. Who Created Puppet Who?
3. Does The Creator Of Puppet Who accept fan mail and sexual favors?
4. Where Can I Get Puppet Who?
5. What's The Deal With "The Five Puppets"?
6. UNIT Dating
7. Original Episode Titles
8. Video Releases
9. List Of Characters
10. Actors Involved In Puppet Who
11. The Future of Puppet Who
12. The Past Of Puppet Who
13. The Present of Puppet Who
14. The Alternate Realities of Puppet Who
15. The Ultimate Fanwank Guide to Puppet Who
16. Puppet Who Merchandise
17. Puppet Who Novels
18. Why Puppets?
19. Telesnap Puppet Who?
20. What About The Voices In Your Head?
21. Are there any Episode Synopsis Guides?
22. Violence In Puppet Who
23. Sex In Puppet Who
24. Drugs In Puppet Who
25. Long Term Goals For Puppet Who
26. Suggestions
STUFF
1. What Is Puppet Who?
Puppet Who is the brave and bold marriage of Puppets and Doctor Who.
"I studied for years all of the best aspects of Doctor Who and
Puppeteering in a remote Tibetian Monastery. Unfortunately
while training for enlightment I was smacked on the head by a
monkey with a bamboo cane and forgot most my studies..but I've
discovered a love of shiny things." - Charles Daniels,
Puppet Fetish Magazine October 1992
Unfortunately TV shows and Puppets can only legally be married in
Hawaii and Nevada at this moment in time.
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2. Who Created Puppet Who?
"Oh I (Charles Daniels) did definitely. I recall because I was
very bored one day, and there was no pornography around, and
it came to me in a vision. I'd do Doctor Who but in claymation!
Ever since that vision I've been dedicated to a Puppet Based
production. I forgot about about the claymation. Maybe I
should have done this all on radio come to think of it. I've
always been unsure on the format, still, I've got made 10
Golden Cybermen so I better do a puppet version!"
- Live Nude Puppet Quarterly, Summer 1994
So yes, the answer is obvious, no one REALLY knows who created
Puppet Who, it was obviously the product of long and heated
debates between Charles and himself.
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3. Does The Creator Of Puppet Who accept fan mail and sexual favors?
HELL YES!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
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4. Where Can I Get Puppet Who?
See Question 3
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5. What's The Deal With "The Five Puppets"?
Ahh yes! The ever confusing history of the Five Puppets, a
Fifth Puppet Production. There is much confusion because the
story starts out with a clip of the 1st Puppet being book for
soliciting a prostitute which just makes it all the more obvious
that it is NOT a puppet of the 1st Puppet Who that appears in
the story.
A few years before The Five Puppets, originally called the
Six Puppets due to wonky vision and bad math, the 1st Puppet
Who was thrown into a fire place as fuel for a night of naughty
interludes. Later when he was needed there was a rush to find
the Puppet before everyone realised it had been burnt one
night in a local semi-sleazy hotel...the pictures used in evidence
to this fact were also used as evidence in the resulting divorce
case. Anyway, all that could be found was a puppet of Leslie
Neilsen who was soon cast as the first Puppet Who hoping that
no one would notice. However changing his scenes to make him
a cop who didn't like his nickname of Shirley only further betrayed
the casting change and this story would therefore be universally
seen as the worst story in Puppet Who history, as would most the others
that have been made.
"This woman looked seriously good, and I thought we had another
puppet of the guy, really! I mean if I knew that night what
I knew now I'd never have chucked in that copy of Tenth Planet
episode 4 as well." - Charles Daniels, Airplane Magazine, June 1995
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6. UNIT Dating
One of the most fiercely debated aspects in Doctor Who and Puppet
Who Fandom, and it's FINALLY been resolved!!! The definitive answer
is that UNIT has a strict "Don't ask don't tell policy' as was
explained in "Barrack Buddies" -
BRIGADIER: I don't care who you see Doctor! If you want to
pounce about with Jo Grant or not that's your decision!
Still (pause) the men will miss you, especially Yates
and myself.
DOCTOR: Well thanks you freaking Bender.
BRIGADIER: Don't ask, don't tell Doctor! I mean it's for the
benefit of everyone! No reason for everyone to know
everyone's business. Like Benton, I mean we all know
he spends most nights curled up in bed next to that
issue of Asian Doll Vixen For Men..why should we care
if that man couldn't get a date one way or the other
if he joined a cult of sex obssessed nymphomaniacs?
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7. Original Episode Titles
There has been much debate over this and therefore a book will
soon be released to cash in on the fan frenzy that will be thrown
together with minimal research and confuse the issue even more.
However in order to give you some teasers here are 10 samples,
chosen at random from the hundreds available -
Commonly Used Title Original Working Title(s)
------------------ -------------------------
1. The Ultimate Destruction Opps! / Serial 23Y
2. The Time Of Fury The Upset Foe / Beyond The Sun
3. The Cyberwars of Telos The Return of the Cybermen / Beyond The Sun
4. Venusian Dreams of Glory Venus Cutaway / Beyond The Sun
5. Death of the Unicorns Sad Mythological Romp / Behind The Sun
6. Limitless Horizons Inside The Thing / Besides The Sun
7. The Sin of Life Don't Touch That! / Insert Effects Sheet
8. The Time of Rassilon That Time / Beneath The Sun /
The Silly Hat of Rassilon
9. The Fate Of Man The Earth Invasion of Earth /
The Enemy Within
10. Twilight of the Gods Revenge of the Zarbi / Below The Sun /
Eegads! Giant Ants!!
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8. Video Releases
When these come out I'm going to give plenty of time for everyone
to buy them all or most of them before releasing new extended versions
that either make the stories finally make sense or just pad it out
and let me have a blurb saying 'NEW FOOTAGE!' in a starburst on
the box. I'll also radically change the box/slip cover designs
so people's entire collections look stupid when old and new videos
are placed together, in order that people will have to go out and
buy them all again. Where possible I'll also cut vitally important
scenes to get a lower rating.
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9. List Of Characters
In order to save time all the characters were taken directly from
the Doctor Who live action TV series with only minimal changes.
The most obvious changes being that the Doctor in Puppet Who always
seems to be picking up companions at nudist colonies or at least
favoring women with a fanatical hatred of clothes.
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10. Actors Involved In Puppet Who
There are many of these however they insisted they never be mentioned
in any official sense as they still respect themselves and have
hopes for, or delusions about, further future careers.
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11. The Future of Puppet Who
With the approach of the new millenium and the heightened interest
in science fiction and production of Science Fiction films and TV
series everyone seems to be looking to the future - except the
creators of Puppet Who -
"I'd be amazed if this thing lasts six months. I'm already working
on Puppet Red Dwarf..very challenging to get a puppet to eat a
curry. The FUTURE? No, never thought of it."
- Charles Daniels, Omni Magazine, November 1997
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12. The Past Of Puppet Who
Puppet Who has a dark and sordid past, which will be discussed at
length in "I Did A Puppet Who Monster" By President Bill Clinton.
Look at the shocking photos, pretend to read the shocking allegations.
check out Peri's ***s on page 43!
"The Past?? No, I'm too drunk to remember it!"
- Irish Soberity Magazine, Out Of Print Before Publication
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13. The Present of Puppet Who
Like the number 13 itself, the Present of Puppet Who seems very
unlucky. Script excerpts have been released, letters been written,
producers been sued, Barn Owls been imprisoned, directors wondering
in drunk and vomitting on the actors.
"It's a very hectic time." - Charles Daniels, Understatement Weekly
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14. The Alternate Realities of Puppet Who
In another world very very different from ours, so different that
it is openly speculated that the Spice Girls might have some talent
however minute..Puppet Who is an AMAZING success! BBC 3 airs
Puppet Who every Saturday Evening without fail, school children
impersonate their favorite Doctor with puppet-like motions and
the fluid motions of the French speaking Daleks. Puppet Who
Merchandise has sold more than all Star Trek spinoffs combined,
and Charles Daniels has established a military dictatorship in
California and bits of Coventry, England.
"Well sure being a ruthless godless dictator is fun, but it's
all about the fans!" - Public Broadcast of His Imperial Majesty
Dimension 431-q-fhd
"I wish I was in that bastards shoes...here's it's all I can
do to make a few lousy cardboard cut out Daleks stand in the
backround menacingly!" - Charles Daniels, Drunken Loser Magazine
Issue #Ahwhothehellcaresturntopage43andlookatPeri's***s.
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15. The Ultimate Fanwank Guide to Puppet Who
See page 43.
But no seriously this is an upcoming book too!
For all of you have wondered the secret combination to the Dalek City!
To those who wondered the precise temperature change needed to
decrystalize the Krotons!
Those those of you who pondered the dimensionally trascendental
physics that makes the TARDIS possible!
Especially for those who speculated that the disappearing candle
in episode 4 of the Chase was a Gallifreyian monitoring system!
For those who want to now how to build a sonic screwdriver that works!
And For those who wondered the original working title of Robot...
THERE IS HELP!
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16. Puppet Who Merchandise
There is none available at the moment. Make some, send it to me,
I'll sell it for a bundle! You can't lose!!
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17. Puppet Who Novels
There have been plans for two seperate series of Puppet Who
adventures - the NAs, and the RNAs - the Naff Adventures and
the Really Naff Adventures. Sadly no one has come forth that
has been enthusiastic enough to write a novel for Puppet Who
at the rather pathetic pay rate they get for it. Still if you
want to write a Puppet Who Novel and aren't unrealisitically
fussy about economics - like wanting to be paid with money
or anything - we'd be happy to talk with you!
"I have a chapter or two for what I thought would be an NA
but after reading it I realized it was an RNA and just decided
to get drunk and forget it before it became a DNA."
- Charles Daniels, In between shots of tequila
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18. Why Puppets?
Why NOT?! No really, it's long been known that puppet actors can
do things impossible for human actors to do and with human
actors you need so many operators and they're so wooden and
hokey...ohh wait..damn..maybe we have this the wrong way around!
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19. Telesnap Puppet Who?
Telesnap Puppet Who exists in abundance. Often there are
technical problems, directorial problems, or the people who
make Puppet Who turn out too damn lazy to choreograph everything
so they just find some pictures that have little or nothing
to do with the story, make up some silly voices, and there you
go!
"I think telesnap Puppet Who is amazing! We've had a lot of
good reactions because people have to imagine things and
often the wobbly sets and drunken puppets don't come off
as obviously as they would if we really took the time to
actually make them properly as scripted."
- Charles Daniels in a cheap fake moustache, wig and sunglasses
pretending to be someone else, date unknown
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20. What About The Voices In Your Head?
"Oh they're very nice, well most of them, well some of them,
well one of them -- maybe. Ted seems a lot nicer than
Rachael. Most the time we just have a pint together and
go out for laughs. Sometimes there's killing, but that's
only when Steve drops by and no one likes him. Still we
all love puppet who, especially the demon like voice that
urges me to look at page 43 a lot. Still, I mean after all
without them I'd be very bored indeed and end up calling some
woman I hardly know on some 1-800 number on a daily basis,
and that would be silly wouldn't it?"
- Charles gets himself into a lot of trouble, Phone Bill Monthly
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21. Are there any Episode Synopsis Guides?
No.
At least not now.
Maybe someday.
Does anyone honestly want one?
I'd like some toast.
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22. Violence In Puppet Who
"I for one was very concerned with violence in the series. I
always thought it should be horrifically violent. Still we
are very careful. I mean we make sure the violence and horror
are always something the kids can relate to immediately in their
own environment. Little kids running away from police officers
under demonic influence and tugging at their parents' shoulder
"Mummy! MUMMY!" right before she turns around and you see she
has no face. That was a great one! We avoid the big monsters
and robots and things because kids don't have a context for
that sort of thing and its all silly and bad padded foam rubber
laytex when you get into that, and my opinion on padded foam rubber
laytex is that it should stay off TV and stay in the bedroom.
I'd love to give Mary Whitehouse a heart attack with that one!"
- A publicly concerned Charles Daniels at PuppetCon I
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23. Sex In Puppet Who
"Sex in Puppet Who? Yes there is quiet a bit. That's part of
it's magic - well part of it's ratings anyway! I wish there was
more sex in it quite frankly, I mean I am always hoping for sex.
Even though we've done some really great things in this area,
page 43 for instance, we really need some MORE sex. We haven't
even scratched the surface - but we will do that soon with
S&M of The Daleks! There's a nice scene with Davros spanking
Peri. I'm really looking forward to seeing that - a few times.
Still we mustn't forget Zoe's contribution to this issue, I
sure can't. And then there's Jo Grant, and Sarah Jane Smith,
I could just go on and on, and I wish they'd let me too!"
- Charles Daniels, actual testimony in BBC Vs. Smut
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24. Drugs In Puppet Who
Are there drugs in Puppet Who? Well not for very long, as
soon as they start passing them around on stage, at cons, love-ins,
you best get them right away because they'll disappear faster than
pizza at an office party.
"Wha??" - Second Puppet when asked about drug use
"Pass the bong spanky boy!" - Davros about share policy
"There's absolutely Puppet Who in drugs!" - a half-conscious
welsh man
"Drugs? No! Silly! Silly! Silly! There's never been any drugs
in UNIT, and when I say there's never been ANY drugs in UNIT
I mean there's quite a lot, but when ever any drugs are seen
by anyone we ask them to report it immediately and fully to
us so we can hush it up as soon as possible -- BENTON! Put
down that water pipe!" - The Brigadier
See "Contact High Of the Daleks"
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25. Long Term Goals For Puppet Who
"Well obviously it's been said again and again that it's all about
the fans..it's definitely all about the fans' money. Still, I think
a goal of anyone associated with Doctor Who was to make a quality
product for the whole family to enjoy and in puppet who it's just
the same only it doesn't have to live up to the higher standards
of quality, and we wanted something maybe only certain members
of the family might enjoy, in secret, and we wanted to make lots
of product and most importantly lots and lots of money. So I
guess it's nothing like Doctor Who really, but the MAIN issue
is I want to make money, tons of it! And then I want to buy
a small Greek island and be pleasured by women, lots of them,
it's really about the quantity of Puppet Who and the quality
of my life. Sure I could produce pieces of startling beautiful
and thought provoking fiction, paying the writers would help no
doubt, but still not make so much as a penny profit. I mean
right now I'm paying an entire 6 pence per puppet! Much more
of that kinda money thrown around and I won't be able to afford
my daily Crunchie Bar fix!"
- Charles Daniels, Corrupt Film Producer Journal, December 1997
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26. Suggestions
Any INFO needed in the FAQ? Tell ME! I can't think for myself!
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(c) Charles Daniels, Wanker Puppet Productions, February 1998
cdaniels@calweb.com