Welcome everyone to the latest Quote File. The Quote File is basically the
"best and brightest" of rec.arts.drwho - that is, the funniest quotes to
appear in the newsgroup as nominated by *you*. To that end, if you see a
quote you think derserves an entry in the Quote File, just mail me at
smithrj2@mcmail.cis.mcmaster.ca
and include the attributions and the quote in full.
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Disclaimer: The copyright of all material contained herein remains with
the original poster. No attempt is made to supercede any copyright and the
Quote File maintains its impartiality under Fair Use for purposes of
Comment or Review.
On with the quotes!
===========
[Subject: Re: Worst Cliffhanger Resolutions]
The Time Warrior episode 2. At the end of episode 1, Lynx takes his helmet
off. This is resolved at the start of episode 2, when he puts his helmet
back on. It looks very strange in the movie version.
Daniel Frankham (danielf@merlin.net.au) 15/3/97
============
Keith Topping (keith@tooon.demon.co.uk) wrote:
> Funnily enough, I was in London in the summer of 1979; I don't seem to
> remember a Cyberman invasion happening. Maybe I was asleep that week?
Wasn't the Invasion supposed to be worldwide? Well, I certainly didn't
notice anything. I remember the day it was supposed to occur (gleaned from
the series by a detailed analysis of calendars, license plates and the
dates on people's digital watches, enhanced by the FBI's patent
something-from-nothing image-enhancement software, as featured in The
X-Files) and nothing much happened at all. I just switched my trannie on -
it was playing Fleetwood Mac's "Rhaiannon", IIRC - and I lay back and went
to sleep, dreaming of Stevie Nicks in lace. (I was a fairly advanced
7-year-old). A couple of hours later I woke up, and nothing had happened.
Though there was a terrible smell, ISTR... Oh yeah, some wanker had taken
the manhole covers off the sewers. Damn kids.
Daniel frankham (danielf@merlin.net.au) 15/3/97
===========
Daniel Frankham (danielf@merlin.net.au) wrote:
> It has several hundred bastards, about 300 f*cks, too many shits to
> count, and about 6 c*nts.
So, that's radw described in one sentence, now how about the novel?
Keith Topping (keith@tooon.demon.co.uk) 15/3/97
===========
Daniel Ben-Zvi (israel@bridge.net) wrote:
> Which of the past companions would you like to see the
>Doctor visit, and at what point in life?
ADRIC would be fun. The plot certainly lends itself to merchandising.
"The Adric Jigsaw......"
'Distant' Dave 18/3/97
=========
Roper (woodhamsb@parliament.uk) wrote:
>BTW, what incentives does Auntie offer for the return of lost clips? A
>big "Thank you" and a kiss on the cheek? A tape of other hard to come by
>clips would be a suitable (and inexpensive) reward.
Not a comment on you personally, but I've been looking
for an appropriate post in which to insert this, and your's was
the unfortunate first to come along ;)
Don't these requests remind anyone of Sam Seeley in "Spearhead
>From Space"? Some shaggy little man with an unintelligible accent
wanders up to Threatening Military Officers, brandishing vague hints
about the location of hidden, top-secret, super-valuable items. He's
treated with no respect, and threatened with all sorts of punishment.
A few minutes later, Steve Phillips and Steve Roberts, all
dressed up in thick plastic and navy blue jumpsuits, burst into
his little cottage and start tearing the place up in search of
missing clips...
Jason A. Miller (jmiller6@uoft02.utoledo.edu) 19/3/97
===========
[Subject: Re: To mystify or demystify ?]
"Or"?
Eva Jacobus (ejacobus@HANNAY.MIT.EDU) 20/3/97
===========
Peel (jpeel@newshost.li.net) wrote:
> Jon, give it up. You've lost this discussion a long time ago. For once,
> just admit it and go on with your life. (Marriage, incidentally, being
> one of the best ways of doing so.)
Sorry, John, I think he's spoken for. :)
Mark Blunden (markdb@netcomuk.co.uk) 20/3/97
===========
[Subject: Re: Did Davros have a mother???
The answer is clearly "yes", since only she could love him.
"And did I warn younot to go messing about with the chemistry set,
Davros? Did I? Did I? Stop fiddling with your controls, and look
at me when I'm talking to you? Did I? When couldn't you be a nice
boy, like your brother Ravon? Eh? Eh? I don't know where I went
wrong with you, Davros, I really don't. You couldn't just play
properly with those nice young blond lads across the planet, could
you? Noooo, you had to gang up with your black-clad neo-Nazi pals,
stopping up half the night with your rallies and your funny walks and
your now-you-see-it now-you-don't iron crosses. Where-did-I-go-wrong?
How-can-you-break-my-heart-like-this?"
Thus you can also see where the Dalek voice came from.
Peter Anghelides (topsham@ibm.net) 20/3/97
===========
Keith Topping (keith@tooon.demon.co.uk) wrote:
>> we were told 'prick', 'dick' and (bizarrely) 'bugger' (a pretty harmless word
>> in the UK despite it's anal connotations) were *all* out (which was a pity as
>> the removal of 'dick' not only screwed up a pretty good joke, but also led
>> to a hilariously inadequate replacement being put in by the copy editor.
Roper (woodhamsb@parliament.uk) writes
>Well, if you fine folks'll give the precise details, we can go through
>our copies with a bottle of Tipp-Ex and a pen. Hours of fun.
Right; Page 1, Line 2, replace "Brigadier" with "you F***king Tossp*t"
Line 3, replace "'yes' replied Captain Yates" with
"'Stick it up my anus and twist it' said Captain Yates'"
Line 4, replace "you rotter" with "you Tw*t"
Line 5...
err look, this could take a bit of time - to be continued...
Keith Topping (keith@tooon.demon.co.uk) 21/3/97
===========
KKOLE (kkole@aol.com) wrote:
>p. 187 Hith. I know this, I just don't know what I know about this. Where
>or what do I know this form?
The Hith were the persecuted alien race in Original Sin. They had those
really cool names like In Pain And Dying Of Genital Warts and other long
names to fill up page space.
Steve Brown (stb@newrichmond.wi.frontiercom.net) 23/3/97
===========
Gayle Amiott (gamiott@harborcom.net) wrote:
>Ah well. As long as "Dying Days" doesn't feature man-eating blacmanges
>from the planet Skyron in the galaxy of Andromeda, I guess we'll be okay.
Oh no, I don't concern myself with trifles.
LanceParkin (ljparkin@aol.com) 24/3/97
===========
topsham@ibm.net wrote:
> ObWho: Which Doctor Who companions, apart from Zoe,
> would have wanted to take part in a Karkus newsgroup?
Let's start one. In KARKUS #42, who is stronger, Leep or Mulb?
Jean-Marc Lofficier (rjmlof@idt.net> 25/3/97
===========
[Subject: Re: Curse of Fenric - tosh!]
Rico, he say:
Donald - Tosh!
Rico Augood 26/3/97
===========
angus@spuddy.mew.co.uk (Gulliver) wrote:
>There's no doubt that even the BBC cannot kill the shows enduring
>popularity.
Well that hasn't stop them trying, at any rate........
Craig A. Reed Jr (Trboturtle@aol.com) 29/3/97
===========
[Subject: Re: If Sam Beckett had written for Doctor Who...]
In article (333e854f.490699@news.merlin.net.au) you write:
DOCTOR WHO
"THE EXISTENTIAL CRISIS OF DOCTOR WHO"
by Samuel Beckett
The TARDIS lands on a desolate planet. The wind is blowing, and there's no
sign of life. This bleak landscape is broken only by a rock, a few metres
from the TARDIS, and a long-dead tree stump in the distance. The 1st
Doctor steps out, walks to the rock, and sits on it. He stares forlornly
at the tree stump. Ian exits the TARDIS.
IAN: Doctor, what are we doing here?
DOCTOR: Waiting for Godot.
IAN: For God, eh?
DOCTOR: Hmmm?
Barbara steps out.
BARBARA: Ian, what's happening? Why have we stopped here?
IAN: He says he's waiting for God.
BARBARA: Waiting for God?!
DOCTOR: No, Chesapeake, I'm waiting for Godot! Godot!
BARBARA: Oh?
IAN: Waiting for Godot, eh?
BARBARA: Who's Godot?
IAN: God knows.
Susan appears.
SUSAN: What's going on?
BARBARA: We're waiting for Godot.
SUSAN: Godot?
IAN: Godot.
SUSAN: Oh. Godot.
DOCTOR: I'm starting to think he might not come.
Dum diddley dum diddley dum dum....
NEXT EPISODE:
UP TO THEIR NECKS IN SHIT
Daniel Frankham (danielf@merlin.net.au) 30/3/97
===========
[Subject: Re: What if: Dr Suess had writter for Who?]
Who's on Saturday
One day, one fantastic, dramastic, somnabulastic day
A twelve lived man, with gray hair and not much of a tan
Told his planet to crammit, dammit, and scrammed it from Gallifrey...
To his elation he'd made preporation for transcental, trans-universal
transportation
It's shape was a box, with four sides and a top, and it gave him the
gift of time/space teleportation...
He travelled near, he travelled far, he travelled without the use of a car
He popped, and stopped, shopped, and flopped, mopped and glopped and
he only needed one thing for this.
It wasn't a plane, a boat or a cane, but a stolen Type Forty TARDIS
Time was his highway, his Sinatra's "My Way"
He had a sly way, a unigue and a kind way of defeating the foe the day
after Friday
We can all sleep tight, all through the night in spite of our fright,
even if our pajamas are quite too tight, for try as they might when
they put up a fight, the baddies are spite to our delight, for Who is
on Saturday night.
Lance Hall (chall1@usa.pipeline.com) 30/3/97
==========
D R Blythe wrote:
> Time Lords don't have sects. Their babies are found under
> gooseberry-bushes. (Or on looms, if you prefer.)
(Dan looks around, stunned, as applause breaks out all over RADW)
Dan: W-w-what's - what's going on?
(Max Quoordlepleen suddenly appears beside him, carrying an assortment
of objects, including a trophy)
Max: Congratulations, Dan, you've managed to be the one millionth
poster to make that joke!
(Cheering)
Dan: Er...
Max: That means that you win all these fabulous prizes from our
sponsors, Master(R)Money(tm)! Yes, not only do you get the satisfaction
of becoming famous, but you also get this trophy!
(Max hands Dan a block of blue wood with a teaspoon stuck to it)
Max: Yes, the world famous Sgloomi Po award for The Thousandth Telling!
Dan: Er, thanks...
Max: But that's not all! We also have an Adric here for you! (Hands
Dan a huge urn, roughly large enough to hold a lot of dust found in
Mexico)
Dan: Yeah, wow, can I go n-
Max: And most importantly of all...
(Max pulls out a copy of Timelash and twunks Dan with it)
Mr Clueless (walander@ozemail.com.au) 30/3/97
===========
I've made up a new word, one that might come in useful.
As you know, tax regulations require professional authors
to come up with a new word every year. It has to be a
word that people will use and find useful - usually everyday
things which don't have a handy name, like the thing that slides
down over a cash machine, the 'back of the knee', or the vague
sense that there must be something better on another channel than
'The Bill', even though you've checked.
Now, there are a number of useful words that haven't yet
been coined. I could really do with one that means 'yes,
albeit it with some reservations' - the best I've done so far
on that one is 'moo'. ('Did you like Happy Endings?' 'Moo').
This other word has a more specific application: it's bound
to come in handy on any internet or fanzine discussion of
a TV show.
It's good this one, and I'll explain the derivation if anyone
needs it explaining. It's a verb.
To harlan - 'to continue to argue about something long after anyone
else is interested; to basically be in the right, but not about anything
that matters; to take part in an argument long after the original
question has ceased to be of any importance, and the argument
somehow seems more important.'
So, for example -
'Lance, are you still harlaning on about the pre-Hartnell Doctors?'
'The Remembrance thread is over bar the harlaning'
'A few posters harlaned a bit, but the consensus is that ... '
'Some fan magazines still harlan about JNT's producership'
Glad to be of service.
Lance Parkin (ljparkin@aol.com) 31/3/97
==========
Peter Goddard (peterg@strodes.ac.uk) wrote:
> An umbrella has multiple uses apart from sheltering a person from the
> rain.
> It can protect you from acid jets on Dulkis, you can hook it round a
> sword and threaten to decapitate someone or if it all gets too much you
> can use it to slide down to your death on iceworld.
> Yes an extremely multi-functional tool for the galactic traveller
> ranking close to the towel for sheer usefulness.
Indeed, and of course if you are carrying an umbrella, fellow travellers
will assume you also have a full array of other survival gear such as
sonic screwdriver, long multicoloured scarf, cricket ball, remote stellar
manipulator, flute and jelly babies, and will gladly lend you any of these
things if you happen to be without them. :)
Mark Blunden (markdb@netcomuk.co.uk) 31/3/97
==========
Lori Grenci wrote:
>>The Doctor can't fly like Superman...
Robert Smith? (smithrj2@mcmail.cis.mcmaster.ca) wrote:
>How *did* he get to the ground so quickly then?
There's a really quick way demonstrated in 'Logopolis'...
Keith Topping (keith@tooon.demon.co.uk) 1/4/97
==========
Randy Jean-Marc Lofficier (rjmlof@IDT.NET) wrote:
>>I've been kind of arguing that we have now two divergent continuities
>>(LUNGBARROW -- which I don't "buy" -- (snip)
Daniel Ben-Zvi (israel@bridge.net) wrote:
>Okay, so here's the $64,000 question: Why exactly don't you "buy"
>Lungbarrow?
If it costs $64,000, I can't say as I blame him ....
Michael John Montoure (montoure@serv.net) 2/4/97
===========
[Subject: Re: Dr. Who Comics]
A. Nelsen (rassilon@u.washington.edu) wrote:
>>I was wondering if anyone here knew what they were going for?
Christopher D. Heer (cheer@i.hate.spam) wrote:
>Other sexy, intelligent, attractive comics, I should think.
Please add me to your list.
- Robert@aol.com
Robert Smith? (smithrj2@mcmail.cis.mcmaster.ca) 3/4/97
=========
Peter Goddard (peterg@strodes.ac.uk) wrote:
>>>What's an Occam?
Christopher D. Heer (cheer@i.hate.spam) wrote:
>> Ancient Greek for "lighthouse."
Ian McIntire (imm@cwru.edu) wrote:
>I thought it meant "This bath is too hot."
Occam now, Doctor. We surpassed such little tricks when
the Universe was less than half its present size.
-John A. Franklin-Robbins
"some time lord guy"
Jason Miller (jmiller6@uoft02.utoledo.edu) 3/4/97
=========
Alden Bates (abates@wn.planet.gen.nz) wrote:
>Oh, I might as well throw in a question: You are faced with a Dalek
>and are armed with a rubber band, a tube of glue, five pounds
>(whatever unit) of sliced cabbage and an unspecified quantity of
>marbles. How do you defeat the Dalek?
^^^^^^^
Oh, so *you've* got them! I lost those shortly after joining radw.
Mark Blunden (markdb@netcomuk.co.uk) 4/4/97
=============
Geoff Weasel (geoffw@iquest.net) wrote:
>I don't know about any of the rest of you,
>but it's all DOCTOR WHO to me....
Green gunk, yard of junk,
Even if it's Cyberpunk,
It's still Doctor Who to me.
Everybody's talking bout a new kind of canon
But it's still Doctor Who to me.
Robert Smith? (smithrj2@mcmail.cis.mcmaster.ca) 4/4/97
============
>I prefer a story that allows for the strengths and weakness of the
>Doctor, not the other way around.
What, one which allows for his weakness and strengths? :-)
Kate Orman (korman@laurel.ocs.mq.edu.au) 6/4/97
===========
Mark Kennedy wrote:
>Depends whether or not you consider 'Lungbarrow' and the Cartmel Master
>Plan to be canon I suppose (g)
The Cartmel Master Plan? Dear God, knowing his plan for the Doctor, I
can only speculate as to his plan for the Master...
Eva Jacobus (ejacobus@mit.edu) 7/4/97
==========
[Subject: Re: Timelash question]
Jeri Massi (jeriwho@pipeline.com) wrote:
>>Does it ever end?
>>No, sorry, just kidding. Here's the real question:
>>I noticed that several times in the story, the characters make
>>reference back to the Third Doctor and Jo Grant. Which story are they
>>referring back to?
Mr Clueless (walander@ozemail.com.au) wrote:
>*None*, thanks be. And if anybody ever considers writing it, may the
>gods of Ragnarok have very little mercy on your soul. :)
Picture a man sitting in front of a typewriter - his back bent, his
shoulders hunched. His eyes glance furtively up at the three stone-like
figures in front of him. He types quickly, for he knows that this will
probably be his last story. What he doesn't know is that he is part of
another, larger story. A story written -
- in the Twilight Zone...
Glenn Langford (langas@wr.com.au) 9/4/97
===========
[Subject: Re: Sex and the Dr.]
Ken Carriere (kcarriere@msn.com) wrote:
>Because, for 26 years, he didn't. And it's too late to start now, IMHO.
By a strange coincidence, I can vouch for the fact that this isn't true. >:-)
Kate Orman (korman@laurel.ocs.mq.edu.au) 11/4/97
===========
Chris Krisocki (chrisk@webtv.net) wrote:
>> I've just rewatched the beginning of The War Machines and have
>>noticed something quite interesting: take a close look at the car to the
>>left of where the TARDIS materializes, I believe it's a Volkswagen
>>Beetle, and you'll see someone either getting out of it or standing by
>>it - it's difficult to tell, the print has so little contrast. When the
>>TARDIS materializes, the person simply disappears! Am I the first person
>>to spot this? Where's Daniel O'Malley when you need him?
Paul Ripley wrote:
>You're absolutely right. It appears to be a man getting out of the car
>and as the TARDIS fades in, he fades out.
Hitherto unknown unfortunate side-effects of the TARDIS, 1:
SAVAGE: Mr Taylor, sir, the strangest thing just happened!
STEVEN: Really? What was it?
SAVAGE: A man just appeared out of thin air! He appeared in the very
same spot where your friends left in that strange blue machine!
MAN: I say, what's going on? Where's my car? Is this Cromer?
Daniel Frankham (danielf@merlin.net.au) 11/4/97
=========
brian west (briest@mail.globalnet.co.uk) wrote:
[On Harlan Ellison]
> So what! Apart from allegedly writing some shitty Star Trek script
> whats he ever done?
he done some books and stuff but I don know bout that cos I oly watch tv
Dave Stone (dave@sgloomi.demon.co.uk) 12/4/97
==========
zoinks23@aol.com (Zoinks23) wrote:
>Here is a thought, It may not be original - but it is original to me. I
>was watching THE EMPIRE STRIKES BACK yesterday, and then watched some of
>THE CHASE today and occurred to me that William Hartnell's Doctor and Yoda
>are basically the same person. They talk the same, they make the same
>noises, they laugh at their own jokes (or for no reason at all). They are
>both older, wiser grandfather-type figures.
>Hmmmmmmm......You be the judge.
I'm not really sure about this one, but I would like to see William
Hartnell as a Muppet.
(dzien@nic.com) 12/4/97
===========
Daniel Ben-Zvi (israel@bridge.net) wrote:
>>The fourth companion in question is Kamelion. He wasn't in very much
>>but, IMO, he does count.
James Milton (miltonjg@onaustralia.com.au) wrote:
>He wasn't in enough, in my opinion, and I've never really understood
>it. I'm aware of the problems they had working the robot, that it was
>almost impossible to include it in a scene, but Kamelion was a shape
>changer. Couldn't he have spent most of each episode as a human or
>human in a monster suit or whatever, with only occasional glimpses of
>the robot underneath when someone's control of his form faltered
He did. Of course, he didn't always call himself Kamelion. Usually he
just called himself "the hatstand".
Robert Smith? (smithrj2@mcmail.cis.mcmaster.ca) 12/4/97
===========
[Subject: Re: Hartnell and Yoda ....]
Zoinks23 (zoinks23@aol.com) wrote:
>They talk the same, they make the same
>noises, they laugh at their own jokes (or for no reason at all). They are
>both older, wiser grandfather-type figures.
>Hmmmmmmm......You be the judge.
Word order Hartnell mix up? Emphasised statement a question make?
Prune wrinkled muppet Fozzie Hartnell is? Carry knobbly sticks do
they? That is the problem.
Lance Parkin (ljparkin@aol.com) 13/4/97
===========
TrboTurtle (trboturtle@aol.com) wrote:
>*Shakes head*
>This thread has more staying power then a Cyberman on speed.........
This brings whole new meaning to the concept of
junior high school peer pressure.
Imagine, if you will, six different 14 year-old Cybermen,
wearing their Cyber-Nikes and Cyber-baseball-caps, offering
CyberWeed to poor innocent little Marvin Geekley out behind the
school, before first period begins.
And Junior Cyberleader holds out the joint, and forces
young Marvin to inhale... "Youuuuwillbeeeliiigguzzzz"
Jason Miller 14/4/97
============
[Subject: Re: Hartnell and Yoda ....]
RxWho (rxwho@aol.com) wrote:
>>"hmmmmmm-emmmmm-ueemmmm" -- Wm. Hartnell & Yoda
Kate Orman (korman@laurel.ocs.mq.edu.au) wrote:
>It's *uncanny*, isn't it? :-)
Hartnell was green as well, of course. Back in the days of black
and white all actors had to be painted green, or they wouldn't look right
on TV. For 'The Three Doctors' he had to be painted a very odd red
colour.
Lance Parkin (ljparkin@aol.com) 14/4/97
============
K. Michael Wilcox (kmwilcox@ccwf.cc.utexas.edu) wrote:
>ObWho: What if, by some fluke, Peter Cushing had won Best Actor for the
>first film? How would the history of Who have changed?
Future location shooting would have become much more difficult -- the drop
in Britain's mean temperature after hell froze over would limit the
amount of time people could be outdoors, and the swarms of flying pigs
overhead would have created additional problems...
Jon Blum (jblum@Glue.umd.edu) 14/4/97
============
[Subject: Re: Hartnell and Yoda ....]
So... maybe Susan wasn't his granddaughter... just his apprentice...
DOCTOR: Hmm, my dear, remind you I must, a Jedi does not scream at the
first sign of danger. Learn control you must!
[...]
THE MASTER: Yes, Susan. *I* am your father! Examine your feelings. You
know it to be true!
SUSAN: Eeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeek!
[...]
THE GHOST OF ALEC GUINNESS: She was our last hope.
THE DOCTOR: No. There is an Other.
Daniel Frankham (danielf@merlin.net.au) 14/4/97
============
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