The rec.arts.drwho Quote File - Apr/May 99

Courtesy of Robert J. Smith

Submissions and comments should be sent to Robert Smith)

[Special thanks to Robert ‘?’ Smith for a) letting me do this (the fool!)
and b) providing so much help and advice as to approaching the whole
complicated mess that turns up in his inbox. While I’ve tried to adhere to
his guidelines, I must confess straight away that what follows is entirely
my responsibility and those that don’t like it can blame me and my tastes
rather than Robert’s vicarious guidance. Rest assured, he’ll be back next

Those wondering why a ‘Dr. Evil’ pops up more than usual, however, can blame
those who nominated me and the fact that I, strangely, agree with them. It’s
just the first part of my plan you see. Robert! You thought I was just
helping you out didn’t you? Well you’re wrong. The quotefile is mine now,
you hear?! Mine!!! Bwa-ha-ha-ha!]


[subject: Fury From The Deep]

Supposedly Doctor Who's finest hour, according to some, right? (just accept
what I say for the moment, we can debate it later). And the clips we have
are certainly very cool.

But have you ever tried explaining it to someone without them laughing?

"Alright, so the TARDIS materialises in mid-air, right and then slowly
descends and floats on the surface of the North Sea... I don't know why, it
just does, okay?.... and then they find this gas pipeline which the Doctor
listens to with a stethoscope and hears a heartbeat... And then Victoria
gets attacked by sea weed... No, I'm serious, Seaweed... and it turns out
that the seaweed is the thing causing the heart beat... I don't *know* why
sea weed should have a heartbeat, but it does.... And then it gets really
scary, y'see, cuz the sea weed can possess people and make them do stuff,
and the possessed people can knock people out with their bad breath... yeah,
it turns of that the Seaweed wants to take over the world... No, I don't
know why sea weed should want to take over the world, but it does... no, you
see it lives at the bottom of the ocean and has been there for hundreds of
years ... except it's not actually the Seaweed that takes people over, it's
these little microscopic squiggly worm things that live in the weed... no, I
don't know why that means the Seaweed can move... and then, get this, right
this giant squiggly worm thing turns up in a shaft full of foam and drags
off this Dutch bloke, and it's really terrifying, cuz he drowns in foam,
only it turns out he's not dead at all, somehow... what's the foam got to do
with it, you say?... well it's a Troughton story, you have to use the foam
machine every other story... yeah, it's in the BBC charter... The foam is
always something really toxic and nasty (usually a fungus), but somehow the
Doctor always ends up covered in the stuff without it doing him any harm...
what happens to the Seaweed?... Well, Victoria screams at it and it dies.
And it takes them 6 episodes to find this out."

'Number 6' (> 3/4/99


[subject: Re: Books I've read lately: Beltempest]

And then we come to Sam. Ah, the favourite of reviewers. Sam the caring. Sam
the idealist. Sam the bloody-minded. She's so wonderful to talk about,
because there's so much there to dislike.

Robert Smith? (smithrj2@mcmail.cis.McMaster.CA> 3/4/99


[subject: Re: Books I've read lately: Beltempest]

Most books start off with a crisis, and build up to a climax. Beltempest
starts off with a climax, and works down to a crisis.

'Shadows' (> 4/4/99


[subject: Re: Alternate history: hiatus season]

[Tim Roll-Pickering:]
> >> Added to this, we have Pip and Jane Baker's
> >>'Gallifrey' script,

> >Actually ISTR it was "GALLIFRAY" which is an
> >interesting spelling.

[Marcus Durham]
> This is Pip & Jane we're talking about, and Gallifrey
> is a three syllable word.

Trust me.  Pip & Jane's problem is with one-syllable words, not three.
Nothing can prevent their catharsis of studious modality.

Graham Nelson (> 5/4/99



[‘Nuclear Winter’]
>>>>> I am here on a mission of mercy to warn you that the troll army,
>>>>> headquartered at alt.movies.scorsese, plans to make an example of your
>>>>> newsgroup.

[‘Dr. Evil’]
>>>>Well I don't know about anybody else, but my boots are

[John Pettigrew]
>>>We'll set the Christmas Squid on them!

[Daniel Gooley]
>>For gorsake John!  They're just trolls.  They're human too!  You'd make
>>an international pariah just to see them writhe in agony?

[John Pettigrew]
>"Pi-ty? That word is not in my vocabulary!  Exterminate!!"

"Let me ask you something John. Suppose you had created a joke in your
quotefile that was so devastating that it could wipe out all life on
usenet. Would you use that joke?"

"It is a fascinating proposition. To know that with the tiny pressure of
my fingers on the keyboard, the Christmas Squid joke could eliminate all
humour from the internet. Yes, I would do it! Such humour would set me up
among the trolls. And through THE CHRIST-MAS SQUID I SHALL HAVE SUCH

Robert Smith? (smithrj2@mcmail.cis.McMaster.CA> 5/4/99


[Regarding future nostalgists looking on Sam rather warmly than is the case

And now a word from our Mel fans in 1985:

"Besides, I do think a lot of the Mel bashing that goes on is just the
result of a few highly witty people getting more and more hyperbolic in
their put-downs of the character.  It's a pile-on mentality.  I expect that
in a few years, even the regular reviewers in this group will look back and
realise that even with Mel's notable flaws, she wasn't nearly as bad as all

Robert Smith? (smithrj2@mcmail.cis.McMaster.CA> 5/4/99


[subject: Re: Benny's Canon]

Mark Evans wrote in message
>Tim Rideout (> wrote:
>> Also I hope that the new 7th Doctor audio is treated
>> like a PDA and is allowed to fit into the previously
>> established NA continuity, rather than "Introducing"
>> Benny or having Ace and the Doctor meet her again, as
>> Ace left before Benny.  Nightmare!
>I'm sure Paul Cornell has this all worked out :)

Hmm.  I don't know much about chemistry, but I suspect that
fusing the elements of "Benny" and "Canon" in the presence
of "Cornell" provides enormous explosive potential energy.

Daniel Gooley (> 6/4/99


[Subject: Re: Christian Thread]

Is Christian Thread something you only use for cross-stiching?

Thank you very much, I'll be here all week...

Ben Varkentine (> 6/4/99


On 6 Apr 1999 14:45:57 GMT, the wonderfully pink, cute,
fluffy and gorgeous Kristoffer Lawson
(> caressed the keyboard in a loving manner and
deposited this:
>Actually there is one group for Finnish ppl called
>sfnet.atk.sodat (sfnet.comp.war) which is very close to
>what you suggest. It's a place for all the possible
>battles about computers anyone can think of, whether its
>C64 vs Speccy, PC vs Mac or Cray vs Reality. That way
>those debates and flamewars never disturb other groups.
>Seems to work fine and it's definitely a funny place to be

Hoordy Fewrdy, Hoorrdy Luredy McCoysy sucksy fredy mewdy hurdy wurdy pertwee
frewdy wonderfool

Hoordy fewrdy hurdy wurdy chrissy squiddy jokey frewdy. A manny frewdy hurdy
goesy wurdy jurdy seafoodsy restauranty.....

John Pettigrew (> 6/4/99


[subject: Re: PTSex - The best SEX for FREE...]

Jgmh99 (jgmh99@aol.com6655321> wrote in article
> Helen, Mark  -  is this true ?
> Not a seedy Perfect Timing spin-off, surely ?

Well, it might sell: "Porno Timing"  - the stories the BBC
wouldn't dare publish...

THRILL to the exploits of Psycho Nyssa as her quest for true love reaches
its awesome climax, in a two part story by Brad Wilcox & Doug Killings...
GASP at the sexual antics of Mistress Mel, finally unleashed in Alden Bate's
masterpiece "Don't Stop"
BE TITILLATED by the gratuitous "Doctor gets tortured while whole
populations die" scenes in the special charity collaboration by Kate Orman
and Jim Mortimore...

And in a special treat for radw posters, Finn Clark and Charles Daniels
bring you Finn Fang Foom and Chaz Gordon in a special live action cd-rom
video sequence (censored>

And Charles Daniels finally gives his permission for the infamous "Dementia
in Time" out-takes to be published, featuring all eight canonical Doctors in
congress with diverse companions *and* each other... Also includes the long
lost dream sequences featuring the Delgado and Ainley Masters... (And you
don't want to know what they do to the

Helen Fayle (> 7/4/99


[In reply to the above]

As local chairman for the Penguin Lovers of America Yet Ethically Rigid
Souls (PLAYERS), let me just say that we cannot condone the publication of
this work, as it has been determined to be exploitative of our small, pudgy,
flightless waterfowl brethren and sistren.

However, we do appreciate the inclusion of the uncensored footage of what
*really* happened to Adric.  We had no idea that Daleks could do *that*.  No
wonder they all have those plungers.  Absolutely astonishing....

Glenn Williams (> 7/4/99


[Official announcement of Gary Russell's new audio dramas]

Can I just be the first to say that the audios aren't as good as the TV

Simon Simmons ( 8/4/99


[subject: Antiques: totally on-topic] (Jefferson Eng) writes:
>Besides, until Blake's 7 gets its own NG, I find that the
>discussion of Blake's Seven to be quite relevant to this

Fine then, Monty Python is made by the BBC, as was Dr Who,
and is thus on-topic.

Pink Floyd are British, and so they're on-topic, since so is
Dr Who.

"Holly Does Hollywood" and "Lovely Lesbians" were shot on
video - and so was Dr Who - so they're on topic.

Yellow Fever is a disease, and the tsetse fly carries
disease in Africa, Toto had a song called Africa, lotto
rhymes with Toto, lotto is a lot of money, just like Donald
Trump has, when you play cards one suit can be a trump,
Poker is a card game, you use a poker to adjust wood in your
fireplace.  Therefore, the various types of wood used in
building furniture is on topic.

Now, I want to tell you about this antique chair I found at
a garage sale the other day. Anyone here into antiques?

Azaxyr (> 8/4/99


[A sig file:]

Fat cop! Fat cop! Fat cop!!!!! FAT-COP!-FAT-COP!-FAT-COP!
Oh, FAT cop,
dah-da-da-dah-da-dah! Walkin' down the street. Sweaty feet.
(Fat cop!)
Wid your doughnut. (Fat cop!) And ya coffee cup... (Fat
Oh, fat cop.... FAT-COP!-FAT-COP!-FAT-COP!-FAT-COP!
Diddid a did-did-did, dah-da-da-dah-da-dah! ...D-D-Dennis
Franz we
love you. (You fat cop).

Carnegie (> 8/4/99


[From This Week in Doctor Who - 9th April]

BBC America
Saturday at 11AM and 5PM EDT, Sunday at 8AM EDT "Genesis Of
The Daleks" movie version, part 3 of 3
Dear Diary. Things to do today: Torture that fellow in a scarf. Feed the
fish. Redesign machines to make them more *effective*. Cluck like a chicken.
Massacre more Thals. Watch Larry King Live. Deal with that Kaled
insurrection. Secondary note: Must remember to exterminate the folks at BBC
America if they edit the two episodes together, cut scenes for more
commercials, and air them in a 1 hour slot like they normally do.

Benjamin F. Elliott (> 9/4/99


[Highlights from Review: "Doctor Who: The Keys of Marinus"]


Altos is pure candy-floss, and once the script has called him "young, tall
and good looking" it has run out of things to say.  Sabetha and Arbitan are
more typical Terry Nation characters.  His women are either submissive to
the point of having no will-power at all (c.f. Jenny in Survivors, 1976) and
liable to sprain their ankles, a condition which as all dedicated
Nation-watchers know calls for a wet handkerchief, or else are plucky young
resistance fighters (c.f. Jenny in The Dalek Invasion of Earth, 1964).
Failing that, they are sharp, sly, spoiled rich girls.  But then, Nation's
men are all crippled scientists, or else deluded idealists working for a
totalitarian state, or ruthless cynics.  It is not hard to arrange the cast
list of The Keys of Marinus under these headings.  His planets tend to be
climates, his societies are fascist but ripe for revolution, his imaginary
world is stocked with caves, jungles and trap-filled versions of
Tutenkhamun's tomb.  (You can see this even in his Avengers scripts, or in
his one American success, McGyver.)  His most comical blind spot is,
famously, the proper noun.  Girls are called Jenny and men are called
Tarrant, unless they are crippled scientists, in which case they have
Germanic names, like Davros or Dortmund.  (Temmosus, the aged, wise but
infirm Thal leader from The Daleks, was called Stahl in Nation's scripts.)
Only the lower classes, like Vila in Blake's Seven, are known by their
forenames.  Places, meanwhile, are named with astonishing foresight.
Marinus is apparently so called for the convenience of our heroes, who
arrive in what turns out to be an aquatic region.  (Later, in Nation's The
Chase, they will visit a desert on Aridius.)  In Morphoton, the population
is drugged in its sleep.  The planet Mechanus awaits the invasion of
Mechanoids with, I suppose, a sense of the inevitable.  As if planets
weren't trouble enough, early Doctor Who imposed the additional burden of
having to name each individual episode.  In The Sea of Death (episode one),
someone is indirectly revealed to have died in the sea some time ago, which
just about passes muster.  It is hard to see who is even mildly perturbed by
The Snows of Terror (episode four).


Of the eleven episodes lost from the BBC archives of seasons one and two,
all eleven are from historicals -- seven by Lucarotti, two by Whitaker, two
by Dennis Spooner.  The sci-fi stories survive in their entirety, which is a
pity in a way.  Doctor Who was a show giving the writer unparalleled freedom
to write about almost anything, and equally offering an unparalleled
exposure for whatever follies result.  Write a duff Dixon of Dock Green and
after a dull half-hour you'll be forgiven by the next day.  Write a duff
Doctor Who and the result can pick up the awesome stupidity of a bad idea
pushed forward by armies of the dedicated.  (One thinks of Time-Flight, and
Concorde landing in primeval England, where pulsating jelly-monsters have
teamed up with... and so on.)  As if that weren't bad enough, your widow
will be interviewed thirty years later by keen young men randy for the
camera script in her attic.

Graham Nelson (> 9/4/99


[subject: Re: Ship of Fools Audio?]

Gary Russell (> wrote:

> > Can anyone tell me if Big Finish is considering doing an audio version
> > Ship of Fools? Or if they've already done so? I'd love to hear that read
> > with a full cast and sound fx...
> Nope, sorry

And in a small attempt to make reparations for this shocking state of
affairs, I shall be providing my handy Make Your Own Ship of Fools Audio
(tm) kit.

This consists of seven thousand sound samples from old Agatha Christie
adaptations, old Dick Barton Special Agent shows and the sound of a
whoopee cushion being forcibly inserted into a rubber chicken, played on
a continuously random loop until you hit the computer repeatedly with a
hammer and/or are dead.

Remember, this fine product is not available in shops ...

Dave Stone (> 9/4/99


[More Christmas Squiddage, this time intervening in the Season
6b debate]

On 9 Apr 1999 04:22:09 GMT, the wonderfully pink, cute, fluffy and gorgeous (Dastari) caressed the keyboard in a loving manner and
deposited this:
>Now John, you can't expect to make the ultimate internet weapon and then
>no one to use it can you?

You make it sound like the Doomsday weapon in Colony in
Space, Dastari!  It's only a time-travelling sentient squid that
goes around rewriting established Who-history, for gawd's sake!

John Pettigrew (> 9/4/99


[subject: Re: Q: 76 Totter's Lane]

In article (>,
> But you might find "I.M. FORMAN" if you're lucky.  The production team for
> later story were too sloppy to get the name (or gate color) done properly

Yes, I clearly remember the gate in An Unearthly Child being grey.

Misha Lauenstein (> 9/4/99


Ian Motter wrote in message (>...
>I came up with an idea for a Dr. Who movie:
>How about (insert good story that you want here) and
>at the end he Regenerates into "William Hartnell"?
>[I know it contradicts some lines in the Five Doctors etc.,
>but who cares about that with this show, eh?]

Just one - fairly major - problem with that.

He's never appeared in the part since 1972 and never participated in the
anniversary shows.  It's a good trick if you can get him to come back to
play the Doctor though. Rumour has it that he has always found a good reason
not to be involved in the past, but nobody really believes that he won't

After all, there was that interview he gave in 1968 when he said that he
would return in a story called "Judgement Day".  Anyone know what happened
to that - was it cancelled, or does the soundtrack exist?   :-)

David Brunt (> 9/4/99


>The only thing A[dric] and Z[oe] had in common was mathematical skill -
which, to
>nit pick, Z is an astrophysist, not a pure mathematics major.

And the same hairdresser.   :-)

David Brunt (> 9/4/99


Dave Stone wrote:

> Craig Hinton (> wrote:
> > In Sky Pirates!, Dave Stone suggests
> > that the Doctor and the TARDIS as we and everyone else sees them are
> > simply illusions, and the real Time Lord form would send people mad ...
> Not exactly. I think that the Minkowski world-we-know Time Lord form is
> basically humanoid, but it's the 3-dimensions-plus-time equivalent of a
> puppet - the unknowable nature of the rest being the equivalent of the
> chap with the hand up its backside. No subterfuge is necessary.

So *that's* what that "other other body" stuff is about in "Sky Pirates!"...

So... how come Dave Stone's Time Lords keep the puppets on their "hands"
constantly even when they're just relating Time Lord to Time Lord on
Gallifrey?  I just flashed on this bizarre mental picture of a planet full
of demented puppeteers who never talk directly to each other and only
communicate via their puppets...

Corey Klemow (> 9/4/99


On Thu, 08 Apr 1999 16:16:19 GMT, in rec.arts.drwho Stephen Moffat

In article (>, (Paul Cornell) wrote:

>    Let me say it one more time: *there's no such thing as canon*.

Does this mean that canon itself is not canonical?

Steven Moffat (> 9/4/99

----------------------------------------------------------------- (J2rider) writes:


.... presumably by being forced to read line upon line of
all upper-case text.

Michael J. Montoure (> 10/4/99

----------------------------------------------------------------- (js) writes:

> Interesting... what's an example of ADULTURATED horse shit?

An episode of Baywatch where they all keep their clothes on?

Finn Clark (> 10/4/99


[subject: Re: Season 6(b)]

Podmix wrote:
>But I've always wanted to know why the CIA wanted the Doc2 out of their
>hair... for a whole season... what did they do in that that 6 months
>between June '69 and Jan '70?


Carnegie (> 10/4/99


[Highlights from Mariane’s Wacky April Survey]

>15. Tinky Winky, Dipsy, Laa-Laa, or Po?

The lost Teletubby - Pete the morgue guy.

Benjamin F. Elliott (> 10/4/99


> 2. If you had one thing to say in Tersuran, what would it be?

Don't light that matc...........


> 18. Write a half-drabble or a full drabble (depending on your
> inspiration) on the subject: Flamewars Are Fun. Use one Doctor from the
> third to the fifth. Use one companion from the first Doctor era.

FURST    :-)

David Brunt (> 10/4/99


>10. Which Doctor Who actor is going to be born next?

Henry F*ck. Henry F*ck will play the 11th Doctor, he'll make the role
his own - every time people think of Doctor Who they'll think "Henry
F*ck". By 2050 there'll be over a hundred Henry F*ck Fan Clubs. In
2061 F*ck develops the theory of cheese... and people stop eating it.

Henry F*ck died in 2062. Fucking twat.

Carnegie (> 10/4/99


> 9. Which Doctor Who actors is going to die next?

I have here Will Sasso, Pete in the TVM.  Say hi, Will.
Will, I dropped a contact lens into this toaster.  Could you take this fork
and fish it out?
"No!  Gosh, no!"
Oh, c'mon.
"Fine."  BZZZZZT!
Next question?

K. Michael Wilcox (> 10/4/99


>9. Which Doctor Who actor is going to die next?

My money is on McCoy.  But then it's been
sitting there collecting no interest whatsoever
for the last five years.

Azaxyr (> 10/4/99

[from the 'Funny you should say that' files, that one D.E]


> 4. How many canons does it take to screw a lightbulb?

One.  Mine!

Finn Clark (> 10/4/99


> 13. How would you persuade Douglas Adams to write the novelisation of
> Shada?

"It means you get paid not once, not twice, but three times for the same
idea! And I'll throw in this set of steak knives, too. No, I mean _really_
throw. Sit down at the keyboard Mister Adams, or you'll never hit the
spacebar with that thumb again... Finally, the gap on the shelves will be
filled, and only Saward stands in the way of me and total Who dominance....


Paul Benson (> 11/4/99


> 4. How many canons does it take to screw a lightbulb?

Any canon can screw a lightbulb, but it depends on your definition of
lightbulb.  Do you as an individual choose to have your canon include
lightbulb screwage?  Is the lightbulb even necessary?  Would darkness give
more atmosphere?  Of course, it also depends if the lightbulb in question
seen on TV, film, written about by virgins, or just described on the radio.


> 10. Which Doctor Who actor is going to be born next?

Wendy Padbury will be born early next century, read comic strips about the
Karkus, and be terribly brainy before she moves to a Wheel in Space and has
exciting adventure with a cyberman.  Or two.

Alan Taylor (> 12/4/99


> 4. How many canons does it take to screw a lightbulb?

Shouldn't that question be - "How many "Mutants" does it take to screw up an
episode guide?"

Perry Armstrong (> 13/4/99


[back to radw 'normality']

[subject: Re: Lawrence Bloody Miles]

Jonathan Blum (> wrote:

>> Having not read "Dead Romance", I'm not sure if Lawrence has done
>> in the story itself that requires that prologue, or whether it's just an
>> Authorial Statement on the subject for its own sake.  But even if he has
>> tried to break things, no problem, the rest of us can patch them up easy.
>> :-)
>No you bloody can't. When certain ... strands from the Mary-Sue mature
>into the Fractured Planet, you're never gonna get it all back in the
>little blue box.

The Doctor regarded his earlier self over the top of a pint. "Well," he
said, "you said you had something to tell me."

The little man in the tweed jacket glanced over at Sam. "Are you sure she
should be here? I mean, we are discussing the transient nature of reality,
and, frankly, it'll probably be completely over her head."

"Where he goes, I go," put in Sam, grabbing the Doctor's arm to her. He
ignored her. He'd been ignoring her for months, hoping she'd take the hint,
but she wouldn't notice. He was trying to think of a nice way to tell her
that yes, while she was quite a looker, her personality was enough to send
even the most ardent suitors running for the hills.

The seventh Doctor ignored her, too. "Well, anyway, you remember how we - I
mean I - used to travel with that archaeologist woman?" The eighth Doctor
nodded, uncertain where this was leading. "Well, you see, she's got together
with this author person, and removed us from existence."

The eighth Doctor exploded. "Whaat! You mean we've been erased from reality,
or something?"

"No, we never existed. Not only that, she's plagarised our exploits and
turned them into a successful series of audio adventures starring herself."

"But how can she do that if you never..." began Sam, before tailing off as
she realised that no one was paying her any attention.

"Bitch!" said the Doctor. "Are you trying to tell me that the woman I
travelled with for five years, the woman who Sam and I *met* not two weeks
ago in a fan-produced charity publication, the woman who I actually
*shagged*-" there was the distinctive sound of a wiry twenty-one year old
girl landing on the floor "- has managed to wipe me off the proverbial map?
I mean, I've heard of denial, but..."

"Why don't we discuss this in my TARDIS? said the seventh Doctor. This is
hardly the time or the place, after all..."

"Yes," said the Doctor, draining the last of his pint. "And when I get my
hands on that bloody uppity Bernice Summerfield, I'll give her a piece of my
mind, and no mistake..."

Left alone and ignored on the floor, Sam began to pick herself up. As she
did so, she noticed something lying on the chair recently occupied by the
seventh Doctor. A tiny, twisted doll-like form. Wearing a tweed jacket. And
a little hat. There was the faint sound of chuckling carried on the breeze.
"Doctor," she called out, running for the door, "he's not -"

But he'd ignored her. As usual.

Stephen Graves (> 11/4/99


[subject: Re: Christians]

Creationists couldn't kill it! Evolutionists couldn't kill it! Objectivists
couldn't kill it! Feminists couldn't kill it! *Hitler* couldn't kill it! It
was the thread that would not die! AAAAGGGGGGHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!

JMoore9926 (>


[The wacky ¿Infinity Rising?’s sig-file]

>"SMAQFWB:  Small Mammals Are Quite Flavorsome When Baked."   (Doctor 6,
>Androgum Inheritance" - the real title.  No, "The Two Doctors" is a crap
>title and should never have been considered.)
>Eat up!

No I think you'll find that the correct title for this story was
"Androgum Cutaway".  This title is not on any production paperwork,
because after going over the first draft with Eric Saward, JN-T got
very drunk that night and mumbled insanely to his cat Oscar (now
deceased), "That old toot Mr. Bob Fetch-Me-3-Lumps-Now-Teaboy Holmes
isn't taking over my show, we're never after calling it Androgum
Cutaway.  We shall call it the Two Sodding Doctors or nothing 'tall!"

"And so you SHALL!", said the cat.

Patrick Moore (> 11/4/99


Charles Daniels wrote:

> Yes, I'm happy top break the news.  I knew you never
> EVER think it was possible, you're dream come true.....
> you're going to have sex with somebody.

What, you mean without paying?  With a genuine non-inflatable person who
doesn't even require batteries?  Wow!

> She'll have a lisp but still I mean not all that bad
> considering. Much better than what we all expected!  :)

Shame about the hunchback and the venereal diseases, but hey, it's a start!
And she likes all my favourite little...  er, foibles, too!  We've got a
of barbed wire, staple gun refills and studded claw hammers at the ready!

Finn Clark (> 12/4/99


[subject: Re: Take a look at my sight]

You want an optician's newsgroup, surely?

Mark Phippen (> 12/4/99


[subject: Re: My biggest gripe with 7th Doctor stories...]

My biggest problems was this Scottish git in the hat that kept showing up. I
mean, he had more scenes than the Doctor for crying out loud. It was brave,
though, I never expected them to regenerate the Doctor twice in one season,
less make him a woman. And a teenager at that! Didn't like all that slang he
used, though.

Chris Schumacher (kensu@madison.tdsnetdotcom> 12/4/99


On Mon, 5 Apr 1999, BBV wrote:

> Following on from The Choice, our first K-9 adventure, BBV is
> pleased to announce the production of a second. Written by Mark
> Duncan, The Search is the story of The Mistress' and K-9's attempts
> to reactivate their defunct time machine by finding more essential
> components.

"The Choice". "The Search".

Can't wait to see the first humorous fanfic - "The Monosyllabic Noun".

Paul Andinach (> 12/4/99

[It arrived on adwc that very day - D.E]


[subject: Re: I dunno--maybe therr;ll bd rwho-absessio~guyate]


Ben Woodhams (> 12/4/99


[subject: Re: The man who killed Doctor Who]

In article (>, wrote:

> (Animaniacs>
> Ladies and Gentlemen, it's time to play "Good Troll / Bad Troll".
> (/Animaniacs)

At least I'm an obvious troll. I live under a bridge, I have horns and a
beard, and I associate only with my own kind and goats.

Paul Cornell (> 12/4/99


[subject: Re: The man who killed Doctor Who]

Paul Cornell (> wrote in article

> Innes Lloyd, and several others of his time.  Before he came along, the
> show had been on the verge of a golden age, John WIles and Donald Tosh
> attempting genuinely adult stories like The Myth Makers and The Massacre,
> and with plans to do high fantasy and genuine SF. After he arrived, after
> the Wiles era got stamped on and prevented, we get nothing but monsters,
> corridors, bases and pulp SF. We had to wait until Graham Williams, and
> then until Bidmead and Cartmel, for the strand of genuine imagination and
> intellect to resurface.

Interesting analysis - I'd concur on a lot of it though the killing blow
was obviously a slow wound, an old bullet winding its way through the
living body to the heart over the course of decades. But I also respect
Lloyd (much more than, say, Peter Bryant or Gerry Davis, who are more
obvious culprits in the misprisionment of the series at this time) and I
think the situation is more complex.

Lets not forget that Wiles and Tosh weren't quite the moonshine-crazed
anarchist-assassins that we all like to believe (Fear and Loathing in
Shepherd's Bush?) but actually packed in the job after having to spend
months working on 'The Daleks' Master Plan'. If we're talking about a slow
bullet then Terry Nation's your man. The Daleks are the confining template
of Doctor Who - mother and father of all the other monsters and all the
pulp skiffy throughout the series. Doctor Who without the Daleks is
near-literally unthinkable but they're so shallow. Even in The Mutants when
they're completely different from any other appearance they've ever made
they're dull as dishwater.

They look good that's the problem. They're spectacular, in the situationist
sense. They make for eye-bubblegum. (This is a hopeless trivialisation of
Debord and his chums but) they uncoupled our expectations and our capacity
to "conceive" Doctor Who.

But I don't believe they killed the series - or not immediately. David
Whitaker took them, as though they were golems, and breathed life into
them, just as he'd done with Doctor Who three years earlier. But it was
Whitaker who encouraged Nation to his full flush of "maturity" as a writer.
Whitaker, who was so hopelessly lost with sf, that he though Nation could
become a chief writer for the series' excursions into the genre. But it was
Whitaker-as-writer who really flourished under Lloyd and produced some of
the most insistent drama that Doctor Who ever did.

Blaming Lloyd is like falling back on blaming Nation which is pointing the
finger at Whitaker, which I can't accept because without Whitaker we
wouldn't have had anything like as good as we did. But I don't believe in
slow bullet theories anyway.

I reckon it was Oswald, just like Warren said.

Daniel O'Mahony (> 12/4/99


[TVM stuff]

>about the gunk that must have been found on the three security men the
>puked on? There's more than just the stuff on Grace's arm left over. What's
>official record on Bruce and his wife? Or did none of that happen because
>all that 'going back before it started' mallarkey?

Presumably the UNIT clear-up squad took care of it.  Hard-working chaps
they are, crawling through sewers collecting Cyber-droppings, explaining yet
another exploding church as "subsidence", I'm sure a microscope slide and
some goo wouldn't tax them too much.

Donald Campbell (> 13/4/99


[regarding peoples’ first memories of DW]

After my parants were killed in a freak water polo accident i was put
into the care of my aunty and uncle. Aunty was possessed by demons and
so locked me in the celler for eight years. Ther on the little b&w tv she
me, i was enchantd by the exploits of doctor who!

one day in 1983, remembering a scene from the hand of the Fear i took
the scarf aunty gave me to keep the cold out ( their was no heating in
my murky prison) Immitating tom baker's swift dealing with the evil
Eldrad, i tied the scarf around the door at the top of the celler steps.
When aunty came to empty my bucket that sunday, she tripped and
shattered her spine on the concret floor below. Thanks tom!

Now i have escaped I still watch nothing but doctor who. it is my
favourite. The police didnt  find out about aunty- I took her clothes,
made a wig, put on a squeaky voice abd now pretend I am her. Not even my
uncle has noticed, since he is blind.

I am now doctor who's numbr 1 fan! I have even met my hero Tom baker two
summer ago but he groped me in the autograph que since he fought I was
a woman.

i hope you all be my friends now!!!

kevin (> 13/4/99


[Regarding the last episode of Queer As Folk]

Dave Stone wrote in message (>...
>... at least until the second series.
>Having just seen the QAF finale, and run online to fail miserably getting
>onto four dot com, can I just say:
>Joy! Joy! Joy! Joy! Joy! ... repeated interminably.
I've heard about being glad a show was off the air, but don't you think this
is taking it a bit far??? :-)

Benjamin F. Elliott (> 13/4/99


[subject: Top Ten Dalek Jobs]

Ah, Daleks. While we're on the topic of Daleks, I should mention
my theory behind the Slimy Tentacles of Pure Evil.

Daleks, like most human beings, have specialized jobs. The
average viewer doesn't notice this, being usually caught up
with the impressive stick-like plunger (longer is better!)
and being caught with a case of plunger-envy.

In fact, the Daleks have a very detailed and stratified
society, based upon the idea that every bubbling being of
hate should find their own calling.

Here are ten of the many Dalek professions available to
a budding hatchling:

1) Waitress/Waiter Dalek. As seen in 'The Mutants', bringing
food to Ian and Barbara, or in 'Power of the Daleks' bringing
liquid to the Governor. Candidates for this position must
enjoy balancing plates on their plungers.

2) Welding Dalek. As seen in 'The Mutants', when burning a hole
in an elevator door. Unknown to most people, these Daleks are
happy pyromaniacs, content to torch just about anything. Some
of these have recently found a new calling as Trolls on the
internet, starting flamewars. Well, whatever floats their

3) Surveying Dalek. Plunging through the wild, tracking the
enemy to the very end, yes, this is the life of a Surveying
Dalek! As seen in 'The Chase', these Daleks usually have a knob
on their plunger to help them... er.... help... them look
spiffy. I guess. :)

4) Pop-gun Dalek. As seen in 'Planet of the Daleks', these
primitive Daleks prefer the wizz-bang of the traditional
pop-gun as opposed to the traditional lazer.

5) Special Weapons Dalek. From 'Remembrance of the Daleks',
these Daleks are so powerful, I wonder why every Dalek isn't
so well ... equipped. I suppose that's just another mystery
of life. Remember, ladies, it's not the size that counts...
well, maybe it is.

6) Secretary Daleks. Seen in 'The Mutants', when one Dalek
holds up Susan's letter. These Daleks are the Dalek equivelent
of a hot steamy blonde, crossing her legs over a too-short
mini. No wonder every saucer is equipped with one.

7) Invisible Dalek. Gained a little bit of weight? Hate your
body? Think your breasts are too big? Well, guess what! Daleks
think that too! So along comes the next best thing since sliced
butter, an invisible dalek shell. No more obsessing about your
reflection in the morning! Simply turn on the invisible shield,
and nobody will know! (As seen in 'Planet of the Daleks')

8) Assembly Line Dalek. Yes, managerial positions are open
for the ambitious Dalek! You, too, can supervise the Dalek
production lines! Make a difference in the new generations
of Daleks! (As seen in 'Power of the Daleks')

9) Swamp Monster Daleks. What happens to those chubby Daleks
that outgrow their casings? What happens to Fatso and Chubs?
Well, for those flabby Daleks, there is a job just for them!
Yes, you too can apply for the job of 'Swamp Monster Dalek'!
All the Thaals you can eat! (See 'The Expedition').

10) Babewatch Dalek. Under the Offical Secrets Act, I can say
no more.


Shadows (> 14/4/99


David Brider wrote:

> But it wasn't until the fourth century that the great councils made
> authoritative decisions on a few oddities (a couple, the Shepherd
> of Hermas and the Epistle to Barnabas, while accepted by some
> sections of the church, were ruled out, while one or two of the
> Johannine writings which had been in dispute were accepted).
> Makes you wonder - maybe three centuries from now "Doctor
> Who" fans will *still* be arguing the toss over which stories
> should be accepted as canon?

Perhaps if we've become a major world religion that will dominate Western
thought for the next two thousand years.

Actually, that's kinda scary.

PRIEST - In the name of the great Dicks, we are gathered here to express our
devotion to the almighty Doctor who died for us.  Thirteen times.  Will the
congregation repeat after me: "Such power would set me up above the gods.
And through the Daleks I shall have that power!"

You'd have crusades being launched from the 31st century onwards against the
Trekkians, who'd taken over the holy sites of San Francisco and Totters
Lane. Another five hundred years later, Trevor Martin Luther would lead a
religious revolution against the corruption and worldliness of the Pope in
Shepherd's Bush and set up his own Canon-Free Church.

Thousands would be persecuted and burnt at the stake for their beliefs.
Even in the relatively enlightened 40th century, women and children would
die at the hands of terrorist bombers over several decades in a bitter fight
between the Book and Comic canon-keepers...

Finn Clark (> 14/4/99

----------------------------------------------------------------- (Jim Sweet) writes:

>In the last moments of "The Hand of Fear", part 4, Sarah whistles a
>little song.

>For those of you who didn't know it, the song was "Daddy Wouldn't Buy Me
>A Bow-Wow".

.... Which explains why the Doctor sent her K-9!

Gosh, you gotta love these little subtleties the
show has.

Michael J. Montoure (> 14/4/99


In article (Pine.GSO.3.95.990413204109.20648R-100000@panther.Gsu.EDU>, Chris
Rednour (gs06cjr@panther.Gsu.EDU> writes:

>On 14 Apr 1999, MadDogG252 wrote:
>>Hey, I just found out that there's a Dalekese word, Galkor, that means
>>"Come with me, I am your guide."  When the hell would the Daleks use this
>>word? It's not like Skaro is major tourist spot.
>Visitor 1: "Skaro you say?  Looks a bit rough..."
>The camera pans away as the hapless visitor walks over to the edge of the
>embankment to a pair of Daleks hidden out of site of the visitor.

Visitor 1: "Look, I can hear you, you know. You're Daleks, whispering really
isn't one of your strong points."



Greg Smith (> 14/4/99


Paul Cornell (> wrote
> I always wondered why Borusa kept regenerating.

I think every time they cast him they wanted to get a worse actor than the
previous one and, despite the obvious difficulties that posed, they

Ed Stradling (> 14/4/99


ChristopherMossCompuservecom wrote:
> No, generally speaking I did not enjoy it, and I am
> extremely annoyed that the friend I introduced to conventions had
> to suffer this!
> Chris
> to suffer this!
> Chris
> extremely annoyed that the friend I introduced to conventions had
> to suffer this!
> Chris
> Chris
> extremely annoyed that the friend I introduced to conventions had
> to suffer this!
> Chris
> friend I introduced to conventions had to suffer this!
> Chris

How very 80's.

Ben Woodhams (> 15/4/99


[Subject: Re: The man who mortally wounded Doctor Who]

Charles Daniels said:
>> He didn't KILL Doctor Who but William Hartnell mortally wounded Doctor
>> Who.  I mean after all it was HIM who starred in the first episode of
>> the series that would ultimately be cancelled!

Paul Cornell said:
>Can you imagine what it would be like if fans had time travel?  Andrew
>Pixley running after C.E. 'Bunny' Webber down corridors, going: 'Could I
>just have a look at that memo?'

Things would be far worse than that.

Every Saturday night in the Sixties, people would find a bunch of strange
eyed peple staring in through their windows at half five., desperately
to see what was going on on the television.

Self same people would pack the pubs, and tut angrily at anyone trying to

And there'd be pitched battles on the streets of Aberdeen in the 1940s, as
thirty or so fans tried to stop thirty others from setting fire to the McCoy

Rob White (> 15/4/99


Paul Cornell (> wrote:
> In article (Pine.GSO.3.95.990414191334.5793D-100000@panther.Gsu.EDU>,
> Chris Rednour (gs06cjr@panther.Gsu.EDU> wrote:

>> > : 23) Underwater Research Dalek.  (As seen in Daleks Invasion of Earth}

> What *was* it doing down there?! Do you think that's what they do for fun?
> Terrance probably came up with some useful reason in the book version.

Well, remember the Dalek that fell off the Marie Celeste,  it just took a
bit of
time to reach land........  :-)

David Brunt (> 15/4/99


[subject: Re: The man who killed Doctor Who]

It was either:

Tulloch in the Library with The Unfolding Text
Pip & Jane Baker in the Study with a Typewriter
John Nathan-Turner in the Studio without a clue

Keith Bradbury (> 15/4/99


In article (Pine.GSO.3.95.990415163759.8062A-100000@panther.Gsu.EDU>,
Chris Rednour (gs06cjr@panther.Gsu.EDU> said:

>> Well to have a wanky answer, i believe in History of the Universe, it
>> says that that Dalek was looking for humans in secret underwater
>> caves.  Maybe some air pockets?  [Charles Daniels]
> That's weird.  What were the humans doing in secret underwater caves?
> Looking for help from the Sea-Devils?  Or do the Daleks think that
> humans appearing in secret underwater caves is a naturally occuring
> occurance?


Smarter than-your-ordinary-Dalek Dalek:  I WILL GO TO SEARCH FOR UNDERWATER

William December Starr (> 15/4/99


In article (7f6h9i$abn$>, (The Christmas Squid) wrote:


> Anyway, as a mime once said to me

Sorry, I just liked that bit...

Conrad Feinson (> 16/4/99


Mike Tallent wrote:
: I was very impressed with the Dalek who did the voice-over for BBC
: at the beginning of the 'Horror of Fang Rock' video. It did a straight
: without ever resorting to all that 'Exterminate! Exterminate!' business
: you might expect from a Dalek.

If it's the same one that's on all the other videos, what about the end
where it goes BBC WOOOOORRLLLLDWIIIIIIIDEEEE, in a very weird way.

Apparently it's Steve Cole, so I wonder what the BBC were doing employing a
Dalek to be editor of the Doctor Who books line. Is this finally proof that
Birt is really the Supreme Dalek.

Aidan Folkes (> 16/4/99


[Subject: Who Killed Doctor Who?]

Who killed Doctor Who?
"Innes Lloyd", said Paul Cornell,
"His shows weren't written very well;
Innes Lloyd killed Doctor Who."

Who killed Doctor Who?
"Paul Cornell", said Steve Day,
"That bloke wot said all fans are gay;
Paul Cornell killed Doctor Who."

Who killed Doctor Who?
"Chris Bidmead", said Jonny Eis,
Which Jon Blum thought wasn't very nice.
Ergo Chris Bidmead killed Doctor Who. Nyah!

Who killed Doctor Who?
"Sylvester McCoy", said Azaxyr,
"He looks a bit Jewish and is probably queer;
McCoy killed Doctor Who."

Who killed Doctor Who?
"Homo Sapiens", said Jefferson Eng,
"It was doomed from the start in the hands of men;
Homo Sapiens killed Doctor Who."

Who killed Doctor Who?
"William Hartnell", said Charles Daniels
"He couldn't steer the TARDIS 'cos he hadn't read the manuals,
Billy Hartnell killed Doctor Who."

Who killed Doctor Who?
"The exploitative reactionary bourgeois capitalist system", said
"It's thanks to Thatcher we got into this mess;
The exploitative reactionary bourgeois capitalist system killed Doctor

Who killed Doctor Who?
"I'm gonna fill every last motherfucking one of you full of lead", said
As he opened fire on everybody in tha' House;
Dangermouse killed everybody.

Who killed Doctor Who?
"I'm working on it", said Gary Russell.

My apologies.

Ben Woodhams (> 16/4/99


Mike Tallent wrote:
> I was very impressed with the Dalek who did the voice-over for BBC
> at the beginning of the 'Horror of Fang Rock' video. It did a straight
> without ever resorting to all that 'Exterminate! Exterminate!' business
> you might expect from a Dalek.

Young Daleks these days, eh? No respect for their elders, going around
trying to kill Davros... Nobody teaches them manners. Well, it's no
wonder they grow up to be the way they are. I remember when you could
upgrade your plunger to a flamethrower and still get change from a
grotzit, etc, etc...

The Supreme Dalek.

[otherwise known as...]

Ben Woodhams (> 16/4/99


[gabbin’ about Shada]

Aidan Folkes wrote:
> Chris Heffernan wrote:
> :
> : The look was very bland though, and I assume the actual finished bits
> : were in fact finished. I also have the feeling that the score on the
> : video was not what the original score would have been. I'm probably
> : being very stupid here (I hope so at least as the music was pretty
> : bad).
> It was done by Keff McCulloch (not quite sure about the spelling)
> who did most of the stuff for McCoy's first couple of seasons, in
> what he presumed was an approximation of the style of music for the
> stories either side of Shada.

10 PRINT "Bwahahaha!"
20 GOTO 10

Ben Woodhams (> 16/4/99


[Highlights from This Week in Doctor Who - April 16th]

WYBE 35 Philadelphia, PA
Saturday at 11PM EDT "Genesis Of The Daleks" episodes 1 and 2 of 6
One problem with a popular story is that you have to write descriptions for
it - again and again. And I want them to be interesting. How many different
ways can I point out that the 4th Doctor, Sarah, and Harry are intercepted
by the Time Lords, who want them to accomplish an absurdly dangerous mission
that would alter the course of history? The Time Lords want the Daleks to
never exist, be made peaceful, or for a new weakness against them to be
discovered. But while the story holds up well against repeated viewings, ...
[Sentence left unfinished due to industrial brain cell strike. Tom Baker
will be asked to narrate this review with new special effects for a video
release at a point after the cancellation of this column.]


Louisiana Public Broadcasting 13, 18, 24, 24, 25, 27
Saturday at 10PM CDT "The Monster Of Peladon" episodes 2 and 3 of 6
The crisis on Peladon gets worse, and the Doctor's old friend Alpha Centauri
finally decides to be decisive. He promptly goes and does the worst possible
thing. Sometimes, it just doesn't pay to open your one huge eye.

Benjamin F. Elliott (> 16/4/99


[subject: Re: Who killed Doctor Who]

No, no, no, no, no...

Who killed Kennedy.  As you'd know if you'd read the book.

Maybe Kennedy killed Doctor Who?

Actually, given that, thanks to Kennedy (well, thanks to Lee Harvey Oswald
OR WHOEVER) the first episode was delayed, thus turning it from just Doctor
Who to the late Doctor Who, that theory could well have something in it.

Or I could be just talking complete pants.  You decide.

David Brider (> 16/4/99


[subject: Re: Who killed Doctor Who]

In article (>, David Darlington
(> wrote:
> "I," said Paul Darrow, "with my bow and arrow..."

"I," said Sylvester, "by playing the spoons and carrying a
shiny red umbrella with a question mark and gurning and
hamming up my lines something rotten walking up and down in
a silly way and always knowing what's about to happen until
the fans have thumped their fists into their knees with
irritation so many times that it becomes an open wound and
eventually starts to fester..."

Graham Nelson (> 16/4/99


[subject: Top Ten Lists]

Top Ten Things The Daleks Have Done Since Doctor Who Ended

1 - Signed on the dole.
2 - Got jobs in social services.
3 - Got fired from jobs in social services.
4 - Got employed as waitresses in Little Chefs.
5 - Found God.
6 - Tried to Exterminate him.
7 - Got outted.
8 - Tried to buy a Stenna Starlift
9 - Moved to a semi in Swindon.
10 - Became mates with Glen Hoddle, as like them, he is a social outcast
     despised throughout the galaxy. Although the Daleks would like to
     stress that they don't agree with his religious views. Or the ones
     on reincarnation. Or the ones on team selection. Or the ones on
     tactics. And they would have also have played Owen from the start.

Top Ten Reasons the BBC Should Make More Doctor Who

1 - They'll soon run out of sets and props to reuse in Red Dwarf and
    every other new sci-fi related series.
2 - We want to be scared. Although admittedly a new series by Noel
    Edmunds does invoke the same feeling.
3 - Kate O'Mara needs the work!
4 - They'll run out of videos to release. So they'll re-issue Timelash..
    ...Remastered ... with "missing" footage. But due to budget
    limitations the missing footage will be shot on a camcorder in Steve
    Roberts garage with a sock puppet. The only complaints will be that
    it will stand out too much from the original footage as the effects
    will be too good.
5 - Because, thanks to the licence fee, the BBC makes programmes for
    everybody..... Ahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha (etc).
6 - Because we need a new producer to slag off.
7 - Because talented writers like [insert name here] need to have their
    talent showcased on national TV. Except, of course, in the case of
    [insert name here] as he/she/it is a talentless [insert swearword
8 - Because the Eight Doctors is what widescreen was invented for. Or at
    least it was in Colin’s case.
9- Because UK Gold would be able to repeat it about 3 seconds after it's
   on BBC1. Forget worrying about getting home to see it, get multiple
   repeats on BBC Choice and UK Gold. Yes, we want Who in the Digital
10 - Because a new generation of children need the magic of Doctor Who
     bestowed upon them. Where's their generation’s Doctor eh? Where's
     their leader? Eh?

Marcus Durham (> 16/4/99


Who killed Doctor Who? Why Doctor Who wasn't killed, let me explain.

Mid-Summer 1990. Doctor Who's car was found abandoned at the top of
Beachy Head. After an extensive search, which involved going down the
pub, the BBC decided that it has committed suicide. However the BBC
overlooked the fact that no body was ever found. Investigations by fans
found that all of Doctor Who's money had been withdrawn from it's bank
account, and security videos show that it visited a travel agent in
Shepherds Bush. The mystery deepened.

Meanwhile ex-producer John Nathan-Turner (98) was in holiday in South
America convalescing from a freak accident after he had been tormenting
the producer of Howards's Way with an inflatable shark. The producer had
turned on him and inflicted terrible injuries to his left eyebrow. This
was confounded by him being mistaken for Howard Stapleford in a shopping
centre. The psychological damage inflicted was quite terrible, and Mr
Nathan-Turner may never be able to play the banjo again. In any case, Mr
Nathan-Turner came across Doctor Who on a beach in South America. Doctor
Who denied all knowledge of it's identity, but Nathan-Turner managed to
persuade it to return, for one night only, for charidee mate.

Hence Doctor Who returned to the UK. The BBC immediately issued a press
statement saying that Doctor Who was dead, and that this was an
impostor. They immediately set their top agent, codename Wogan, to
assassinate Doctor Who, and blow up Nathan-Turners career. Wogan was
only partially successful, and was later punished with English Water
Torture (which involves watching looped tapes of Triangle and Howards'

Doctor Who then went into hiding. Some accounts talk of a time spent in
the depravity of East Anglia, whilst others tell of a life of sex and
drugs. In any case, on a trip to America, Doctor Who met a Mr Segal who
promised to revive Doctor Who's career, put money in it's pocket and get
it away from a deprived life of sex, drugs, sheep, and Sale of the
Century. And so it came to pass, Doctor Who was to rise like a Phoenix
from the flames. After a face lift and thousands of pounds worth of
therapy the new look Doctor Who arrived on American TV. But, like the
best laid plans, it failed. It's alleged that Star Trek's William
Shatner, jealous of Doctor Who's new look, and hair, set about an
elaborate plan of sabotage that involved a ferret, Carol Vorderman, a fat
woman and a baseball game. This cunning plan succeeded, and the ratings
bombed. Meanwhile the BBC's agent Wogan had an even more cunning plan.
He contacted weatherman Michael Fish and concocted an even more
elaborate plan to manipulate the weather so it would be really hot and
sunny the day Doctor Who would return to our screens. This would result
in a universal drop in TV viewing figures, and would give the BBC the
excuse it needed.

The plan succeeded, despite the cries of fans who had again been poked
in the eye with the banana of bad fortune. Doctor Who then went to tour
the Northern Club circuit, telling dirty jokes. It tried to get a job in
Coronation Street, but was restricted to a few cameo roles in bed with
Dierdre Barlow. Times were hard, and any work seemed like a bonus.

The final blow was when Doctor Who wasn't asked to appear in the Comic
Relief Special "Curse of the Fatal Death". Despite a phonecall to the
BBC, Mr Lenny Henry (67) told Doctor Who that it had no relevance to a
Doctor Who sketch, and that it would be funnier, and more like real
Doctor Who, if this mutated monster was kept out of things.

Doctor Who was found dead in it's flat in Birmingham on the 23rd of
March 1999. Verdict, suicide.

Marcus Durham (> 16/4/99


Dabbler KB [in all seriousness] wrote:
>"Miramax Films has announced plans to produce Doctor Who In Love, a sequel
>their Academy Award™–winning Shakespeare In Love. No actor has been cast as
>Doctor, but Gwyneth Paltrow will play the Companion, whose love inspires
>Doctor to defeat the Daleks and Cybermen. John Madden will direct from Marc
>Norman, Tom Stoppard and Terrance Dicks’s screenplay.


Ray C. Tate (> 17/4/99


On Fri, 16 Apr 1999 19:46:29 -0500, the wonderfully pink, cute, fluffy
and gorgeous Jenna Mead (> caressed the keyboard in a
loving manner and deposited this:

>.Just do a search on Gary
>Russell. All you need is plastic and a willingness to pay a
>bit more.

Ok, so it's been taken *completely* out of context but...


John Pettigrew (> 17/4/99


[subject: Ten Reasons why the Xmas Squid is like the Daleks]

1) They're both bent on universe domination.
2) They both have been seen in the presence of a time machine, however
        that presence has never been explained.
3) They're both green bubbling blobs of hate. (Except when cooked).
4) They've both invaded Earth.
5) They've both 'Chased' the Doctor through time and space.
6) 'The (x> of the (y>' works just as well for the Xmas Squid as it
   does for the Daleks. (Remembrance of the Xmas Squid, Genesis of
   the Xmas Squid, etc).
7) They both incite hordes of laughter when viewed on the silver screen,
   despite attempts to be serious.
8) They both have funny accents.
9) Both have a creator that believes to have control over them.
   (John Pettigrew vs Davros)
10) Neither sends you a christmas card.

Ten Reasons why the Xmas Squid is Different From the Daleks

1) The Squid tastes good when cooked. Daleks don't.
2) The Squid never states the obvious.
3) The Squid tends to remain silent. Sort of the 'Mr. Bean' of green
   bubbling tenticled hate.
4) The Squid's creator doesn't want unlimited rice pudding. (I think.)
5) The Squid never pays attention to it's creator.
6) Daleks have firmer bumps.
7) The Squid can move quickly up stairs.
8) The Daleks haven't discovered the internet yet.
9) The Daleks can reproduce at an alarming rate.
   The Squid is forever alone. (No Mrs. Squid!)
10)  Daleks do not have hairy lips. (I think.) (Have you ever checked?) :)

Xmas Squid Invasion of Earth [aka Shadows] (> 18/4/99


[subject: Re: The Ultimate Adventure (Stage Play)]
>It was entertaining, but not until you try to work out the plot (if you
>find that).  The true *Doctor Who pantomime*.

Let's face it Dave, it makes Dimensions In Time look like The Draughtsmans
Contract :-)

Paul Ebbs (> 18/4/99


[subject: X-Files Season 6]

In article (01be898f$178e8f60$LocalHost@lgwujvnl>, Dangermouse
(> wrote:
> The only season 6 episode I know much about is Triangle, the one on the
> ship, because I was on location with them when they filmed it!

Tell me, was the North Sea as choppy as they say?  And is that
Kate O'Mara still sunbathing nude in the pouring rain?

Graham Nelson (> 18/4/99


[subject: More Top Tens]

What the Cybermen Do When The Cameras Aren't There:

1 - Sit about talking about the old days.
2 - Skulk about Milton Keynes town centre whilst children poke fun at
3 - Smoke pipes
4 - Watch videos of Jeremy Clarkson. He's their idol. They get all their
    catchphrases off him. Hmm, this spaceship has more poke than
    Hugh Grant.
5 - Design the stage costumes for Steps. Although someone might tell
    then that blue bacofoil went out in 1979.
6 - Flower Arranging
9 - Pose as a techno group.
10 - Morris Dancing

The Lines In Doctor Who That You Never Saw

1 - 3rd Doctor - "Jo, get your clothes on. The cameras will be here in a
2 - 5th Doctor (Earthshock) - "Look, it would just be kinder to leave
    Adric on the spaceship. He's a total dickhead, and he's better
    off dead."
3 - 5th Doctor - "Oh just piss off Davros you wanker!"
4 - 3rd Doctor - "Of course, Hitler was a splendid fellow. I had a
    meal with him. He liked to eat his own excrement, although
    he did like my suggestion of eating the script to Death to the
5 - 7th Doctor - "And then there was the Rod Hull business. How was
    I to know that he would be on the roof when I dematerialised".
6 - 6th Doctor - "Look Peri, I don't think the temporal mass enlarger
    would be such a good idea. Don't you think your boobs are
    big enough already?.... Hey, keep that thing away from my stomach!
7 - Davros - "I'm fed up with all this exterminating business Doctor.
              I'm going to move to Norwich and open a flower shop
              with my friend Harold."
8 - 7th Doctor - "That's right Ace, on the TARDIS we drink our own
    urine. Lovely and healthy. Want some?"
9 - Jo Grant (Green Death on the slag heap) - "Brigadier, have you seen
    my novelty condoms? ARRGHHH, they're coming out of the ground."
10 - Leela - "Doctor, why do you insist that I keep on wearing this
     skimpy costume..... Doctor.... Doctor? What are you doing in

Pop Singles That Doctor Who Characters Might Record

1 - I Will Survive - The Master
2 - Kung Fu Fighting - The 3rd Doctor
3 - Gold (Spandau Ballet) - The Cybermen
4 - Down Under (Men at Work) - Tegan
6 - Better Best Forgotten (Steps) - Mel
7 - Ice Ice Baby (Vanilla Ice) - Ice Warriors
8 - I Eat Cannibals (Toto Coelo) - Shockeye
9 - Horny (Mousse T. Vs Hot 'N Juicy) - The Destroyer
10 - I Just Died In Your Arms Tonight (Cutting Crew) - Grace

Marcus Durham (> 19/4/99



Marcus Durham wrote:
> Pop Singles That Doctor Who Characters Might Record

More of these.

11 - When 2 Become 1 (Spice Girls) - Duet between the Master
and Tremas
12 - Last Night A DJ Saved My Life - Peri (from Revelation
of the Daleks)
13 - Going Nowhere (Therapy?) - Rorvik
14 - Burning Down the House (Talking Heads) - Ace
15 - Inbetweener (Sleeper) - The Valeyard
16 - Uncomplicated (Elvis Costello) - Vicki
17 - I Want That Man (Deborah Harry) - The Rani
18 - Take the Money and Run (Dr. Hook) - Garron & Unstoffe
19 - The Chicken Song (Spitting Image) - Omega
20 - Shout! (Lulu) - The Sixth Doctor

‘Dr. Evil’ (> 20/4/99



Again! Again! [tm]

21 - In The Army Now (Status Quo) - The Brigadier
22 - All Together Now (The Farm) - The Five Doctors
23 - The Final Countdown (Europe) - Morgaine (end of Battlefield)
24 - Walk Like An Egyptian (The Bangles) - Marcus Scarman
25 - Master and Servent (Depeche Mode) - The Doctor & K9

Marcus Durham (> 20/4/99


Hmm. The game continues, Durham.

26 - Design For Life (Manics) - Kroagnon
27 - Losing My Religion (REM) - Rev. Wainwright
28 - Going Blank Again (Ride) - The 1st Doctor
29 - Welcome to the Jungle (Guns 'N' Roses) - Prof. Sorenson
30 - I'm Looking Through You (Beatles) - The Spiridons
31 - Jesus to a Child (George Michael) - 8th Doctor
32 - I Wanna Destroy You (Soft Boys) - The Daleks
33 - Walk Away (Cast) - Tegan
34 - D'You Know What I Mean? (Oasis) - Pigbin Josh
35 - Down in the Tube Station at Midnight (The Jam) -
Colonel Lethbridge-Stewart

‘Dr. Evil’ (> 21/4/99


[More stuff that won’t make a blind bit of sense if you haven’t seen Queer
As Folk]

Cameron Mason (> wrote:

> Hi all I just joined the newsgroup.

Hi Cameron! I'd just like to say how sorry I was to hear about your
recent split with Vince - I see it's forced you to leave Manchester and
go back to Australia. Whatever his friends might have said, the two of
you made a lovely couple.

You've probably joined r.a.dw to learn more about Doctor Who, in hope of
future reconciliation - so for reference it's:

* William Hartnell
* Patrick Troughton
* Jon Pertwee
* Tom Baker
* Peter Davison
* Colin Baker and
* Sylvester McCoy

(There's also Paul McGann, but "Paul McGann doesn't count".)

Hope this helps.

Nick Smale (> 19/4/99


[subject: Nazis vs Daleks]

Alden Bates (> wrote in article
> But, gee, Jon, how can the Daleks do anything other than a Hitler
> salute??? >;-)
> Alden.  (Now having visions of a Dalek emulating Arnold Rimmer...)

Invoice: 217radw
To: Alden Bates
From: Mistress Helen
Item: One computer keyboard, coca-cola damaged, replacement thereof.

Helen Fayle (> 19/4/99


[subject: Re: What’s Dr. who’s real name?]

Actually, the Doctor's name is the result of an ancient Gallifreyan custom
which his parents, on their wedding night, decided the names of their
through the divinatory practice of tossing all their wedding presents up in
air, so that they came crashing down:


And *that* is the Doctor's real name :).

JMoore9926 (jmoore9926@aol.comGOAWAY> 19/4/99


[Dalek words defined]

cwej ( wrote:
: And so to the new conundrums of Dalek speak
: Lacca
        Noun. A type of fabric, similar to Lycra only Dalek-excrement
        proof. Worn by hot female Daleks in the 'Miss Dalek Swimsuit
: Frangi
        Noun. Actually it's ferengi, but it was shortened. Ever wonder where
        the Daleks get all their cool supplies? Yes, the Daleks are just
        another customer of the Ferengi!
: Baz
        Noun. Dalek for 'sweetums'.

: Clyffil
        Noun. Similar to Daffodil, this flower was that petrified
        thing Susan picked up her first trip to Skaro. Pity Ian
        crushed the last one in existence. The Daleks never forgave
        Ian for the destruction of their national parks.

: Yarveling
        Verb. Similar to Yodeling, only done in Dalek syllabubs.
        A Dalek stands on the Skaro mountaintops, calling out in
        the top amplification of his dalek voice: Yarrrrr-veeeelll-

        The sound has been described as 'pure unadulterated heck'
        by one innocent Thal bystander.

Salamander’s Henchman [aka Shadows again] (> 20/4/99



cwej wrote:
> And so to the new conundrums of Dalek speak

> Lacca

A highly flavoured fruit drink, much beloved of Daleks on
'downtime'. Those seeking a method of destroying the species
could do worse than to attack when the Daleks are gathered
in their equivalents of rec-rooms, sucking Lacca through
their grills with a long straw.

> Frangi

Dalek hi-jinks; e.g. sticking signs that say 'Running in' or
'My other casing's a Special Weapons Dalek' onto each
other's backs.

> Baz

The useless sixth Dalek in a patrol who does nothing but
dance and shake maracas.

> Clyffil

The ancient Dalek art, only ever practiced by Daleks of a
certain mystical bent, of arranging the furniture in a
holding cell to maximise a prisoner's discomfort.

> Yarveling

Daleks are easily panicked, and in such a situation will
often declare things which are plainly obvious, even to a
Baz (q.v.). Saying 'I cannot see' while there's a great big
hat covering your eyepiece could be described as yarveling.
Those who have partaken of a particularly embarrassing
yarvel are often made fun of by other Daleks, invariably
leading to much Frangi (q.v.).

‘Dr. Evil’ (> 20/4/99



cwej (> wrote:
> And so to the new conundrums of Dalek speak


> Lacca

A form of non-diary milk substitute for lactose intolerant Daleks.
These are most Daleks, because they are intolerant to everything in

> Frangi

A radical hair style embraced by the Daleks in the 60s and 70s.
The Dalek equivalent to the jerry curl.  It went out of fashion
when Daleks started randomly bursting into flame.

> Baz

The lovelable Dalek comic book character "Baz Baztard" who commits
genocide and planetary destruction for fun on the weekends, between
advertisements for candy bars, cup cakes, and X-ray specs.

> Clyffil

The Dalek equivalent of oral sex.  Very messy, but apparently quite fun.

> Yarveling

A young Dalek, a budling Dalek, a young Dalek "yarveling", often
produced after the act of Clyffil.

Charles Daniels (> 20/4/99



>And so to the new conundrums of Dalek speak

What you put on top of the paint to make a dalek shiny.


Crappy Trekkie race that must be exterminated (or flageed)


A dalek drug dealer from Shoreditch.


A dalek holiday resort in mid-Wales.


Professional, although rather unlikely-looking Davros

Bagpuss (> 20/4/99


[subject: Re: Audio Visuals-The 80s Audio Plays]

God - Nick Briggs has more
pseudonyms then a disenfranchised female writer of the 19th century.

Ian Mond (> 20/4/99


Andrew (> wrote in message
> Because most of the fans around here think that the sun shines out of
> Hinchcliffe's arse.
> Of course, he only talked out of it.

Can I nip in here with a cheap Terseron gag?

Oh, sorry, I already did (wafts hand>

Paul 'Ozymandias' Harman (> 20/4/99


[subject: Re: the dissection of the daleks]

sean wrote

>so the cute little buggers start of as "clones" in a tank then graduate
>to a nice comfy travel machine. So a question do all daleks start off
>the same ? is the only difference between say a gold dalek and an
>ordinary bog standard lad its travel machine (ie the machinery it
>interacts with) or is there a gold dalek pond as well as a "normal"
>dalek pond?

All Daleks are created equal, but some are created more equal than others,
if you know what I mean.

While the sprog of the Dalek Supreme gets to cruise around in a shiny new
sports shell (looks cool until it starts to rain spears or acid), the
janitor Dalek's firstborn blob usually has to settle for an ancient,
scratched, wobbly travel machine with shocking suspension and no hover
ability whatsoever.  A lot like the ones in Destiny.

But while that will do at a pinch as a reasonable first shell, it really
doesn't pull the mutant chicks.  And there's no back seat to speak of, which
can really cramp a young booga's style.  As soon as they can afford it, most
Daleks upgrade their wheels to a Model T travel machine.  This is a pretty
standard shell, which comes in any colour, as long as it's (insert colour of
Dalek's faction here>.  You can even get optional extras like solar panels
at the midrift (now standard), gaffa tape, or sports plungers with contoured
grooves.  Weaponry comes in a variety of shapes, colours and flavours.
Accessorise with hover platforms or built-in hover mobility.

>From here, very lucky Daleks can upgrade to the deluxe models.  These
chiefly involve a range of colour options, but also allow for larger
casings, tank models for when the going gets tough, and spacious domes for
the self-important emperor with a dramatic flair.  The very top of the range
is sheer luxury accomodation, although at the cost of any mobility, and
involves fixing your shell to the floor and plugging up to the surrounding

Hope this helps.

Daniel Gooley (> 21/4/99


In article (01be8b83$f38e04a0$4455e4d4@molesworth1>,
  "Richard Molesworth" (> wrote:
> Bring on the first TomDoc / Adric PDA!

I have to laugh.   Espeially knowing the other meaning of PDA as it's
used in American society--particularly high schools.  (Public Display of

Trey (Who's just had unpleasant visions of the 4thDoctor and Adric snogging)

Trey Korte (> 21/4/99


[subject: Re: The Best of the Wacky April Survey]

Mariane Desautels wrote:

> Paul Benson wrote:
> > And for every person you make happy, there's at least a dozen who'll
hold a
> > grudge for life...
> Mmm, no, not really. I didn't even leave out half a dozen people.

Sorry, did you think I was talking about the survey? :-)

Paul Benson (> 21/4/99


Jonathan Blum (> wrote:

> The Dredd books will be harder to track down -- and considering the
> royalties you probably get on them, it'd probably be more cost-effective
> for us just to mail you a fiver!


Mmmm ... fivers ...


Dave Stone (> 21/4/99


[subject: Re: What’s with this season 6B crap?]

Gareth Thomas wrote in message ...
>In article (7fiodq$itd$>, Andrew
>(> writes
>...the sub-Shavian
>epigrammatic putdown...

Will be Dave Stone's next Bernice NA...

David Brider (> 21/4/99


[subject: Re: The Nth Doctor. The book. You know. approx 2 year old book...]

Waxvax wrote in message (>...
>...anyway, just thought I'd say that I liked the descriptions of the
>stories. Even if I do disagree w/ much of the material. Anyway, what irked
>the most is how the writer tried to incorporate all these "almost" stories
>continuity. Come on! They weren't made - - - > even for the novels!

The Nth Doctor qualifies as the worst book written about Who (IMO)(1).  Yes,
the unmade films are fascinating to read (but goodness knows the hideous
bloody uproar they would have caused had they been made - can you IMAGINE
the reaction from the fans - they were pretty radical weren't they?)(2)
However, why did Jean-Marc feel the need to include copious footnotes of the
sort : 'that bit's a bit like the bit in Stones of Blood/the Chase/the
Deadly Assassin/the 'fill in as applicable'.(3)  WHY! (4) There was
absolutely no point.  He called in 'ret-conning', but to be honest he should
have called a spade a spade: 'I've attempted to make pointless and
irritating remarks throughout my publication just to bump up the word
count'.  Thank goodness we've got Howe-Stammers-Walker (5)doing reference
books because if Lofficier did them all we'd die of crappy 'ret-conning'
references every two sentences.(6)

(1) IMO is a little like IMC which featured in 'Colony in Space'.
(2) Radical is a bit like 'Rachel', a character featured in 'Delta and the
(3) The Stones of Blood, The Chase and The Deadly Assassin are very similar
to The Stones of Blood, The Chase and The Deadly Assassin.
(4) WHY is very similiar to the title character's name which is WHO.
(5) A triumvirate which is reminiscent of the Hartnell-Troughton-Pertwee
combination used in The Three Doctors.
(6) 'Ret-conning' is a little bit like the 'Retrogrades' who appeared in

Andrew (> 21/4/99


[subject: Re: Question re The Ark In Space]

In article (7f2heg$6fv$>,
Steve Manfred  (> wrote:
>If I remember rightly, there was a scene originally shot where Noah
>pleads with Vira to kill him.  Producer Philip Hinchcliffe thought
>this crossed the line and cut it.  It's never been seen anywhere.

My respect for the Hinchcliffe era has gone up even further, knowing that
the producer, director, cameraman, floor manager, editor and indeed some
of the actors involved were in fact legally blind at the time.

Clearly I was also jumping to the wrong conclusions when informed that Tom
Baker was blind through most of his tenure.

Robert Smith? (smithrj2@mcmail.cis.McMaster.CA> 21/4/99


[subject: Re: Kate & Jon Go To Gallifrey...]

Paul Cornell wrote in message ...
>I'm sorry, I don't really understand much of the above, but are you saying
>you're going to attempt to kill us?

Hmm. Should add a bit of interest to the cabaret.

Tim Saward (> 21/4/99


[subject: David Brider]

In article (7fa0kk$i0c$>,
David Brider (> wrote:
>Please, *STOP* putting people's names on their own as the subject header -
>it makes me think they've died or something!

I know what you mean.

Robert Smith? (smithrj2@mcmail.cis.McMaster.CA> 21/4/99


Jonathan Blum wrote:

> In article (7fh4fg$rpq$>,
> Jim Fung  (> wrote:

> >Jim C. Fung
> >"Terrance Dicks could write good Doctor Who stories in his sleep."
> >Waterhouse, DWM 202)
> Ooh, finally an explanation for "Eight Doctors"!  Chronic insomina...  :-)

No, Jon, Matthew said "good"...

Cliff Bowman (who3d@geocities.canyoupleasesendnospam> 21/4/99


David Darlington wrote in message (>...
>Mark Phippen wrote:
>> I seem to recall we had a similar difference of opinion regarding Justin
>> Richards :)
>Yeah - I thought he was a nice guy and overheard you saying he was
>a twat. And I told him you said it too. He's behind you now. With a

(Mark looks worriedly at Justin> Now, Justin, put it down, you've got the
wrong end of the stick (whack - ouch!> OK, OK, so *I've* got the wrong end
of the stick, but what I'm trying to say is (ow!> that what I meant was
(argh!> that I *like* your books and that it was funny that (ouch!> the one
I thought was your weakest (ow! ow!> was the one David enjoyed the most and
that (argh!> we seem to have (ow!> the same difference of opinion with
(ouch!> Lawrence Miles books (OW!! - that one *really* hurt>

Mark Phippen (> 22/4/99


[Misha Lauenstein]
> : > >Hey, if there was a new multi-Doctor Missing Adventure where the 4th
> : Doctor
> : > >meets the seventh Doctor, you could have the TomDoc with Adric and
> : SylvDoc
> : > >with Mel eras meeting one another.
> : > >
> : > >Yay.

[Karen Jo Nyclotops]
> : > Adric meets Mel; cool, I like it.  He could show her his badge for
> : > mathmatical excellence and she could show him a megabyte modem.  Then
> : > they could talk tech to each other.  Meanwhile, the two Doctors could
> : > sort out the problem.

> : Or indeed slope off without them, in the hope that they're talking too
> : to notice.

[Aidan Folkes]
> You'd just better hope they don't like each other too much or
> we might hear the pitter-patter of little Adrics and Mels.
> This post brought to you by the campaign for really gross
> mental images.

Why does this make me picture Dangermouse crushing his fingers together
saying, "Yes. I _would_ do it."

Misha Lauenstein (> 22/4/99


[subject: Re: New fans and how to convert them]

On Thu, 22 Apr 1999 21:54:31 +0100, Philip Craggs
(> wrote:
>Who says you need Tom Baker? The only one he's seen of his is 'The Hand of
>Fear' that he watched on Sunday and he didn't like it much. He doesn't
>like the look of his Doctor at all, and his favourite Doctor is the

(Terry Gilliam Monty Python animation>GENETICALLY MODIFIED FANS!!!

Yes, now you too can grow your own Dr Who fans, without having to
worry about those annoying, natural tendencies towards:

1. Preferring Tom Baker stories
2. Wanting plots that are simple and straightforward
3. Tolerating Pertwee (shudder>
4. Dissing the NAs, and disputing their canonicity
5. Mocking JN-T
6. Disagreeing with you when you say silly things, like: "actually the
show only ever reached its full potential in seasons 25-26".

This exciting, new and fully comprehensive "How-to" volume can be
sent to you for only $4.95, including postage!!!

Order NOW, NOW, NOW and receive our pamphlet on how to grow Blake's 7
fans with a sense of humour, absolutely FREE!!!
(/Terry Gilliam Monty Python animation>

Adam Richards (> 22/4/99


[regarding points of crapness in Remembrance of the Daleks]

Adam Richards ( wrote:
: I had 27 reasons why it was crap, so nyah-nyah!

Well I have 42 reasons why Silver Nemesis is crap, so nya-nya-nya!

Admittedly, 1-30 involve gold.

Shadows (> 23/4/99


[subject: Re: Warm Gallifreyan Nights - adult Doctor Who zine]

Alden Bates wrote:
> "South Sea Blue" (> contributed to the
> moral decline of our society by typing:
> > wrote
> >
> >> This is an "erotic" Doctor Who zine and you must be
> >> at least 18 years old to order.
> >
> >This is fucking priceless. So tell me, how many penises does the Doctor
> >have?
> How many do you want him to have? ;-)

"Two - one for casual and one for best."

Ben Woodhams (> 23/4/99


[from This Week in Doctor Who - April 23rd]

KSPS 7 Spokane, WA
Saturday at 10:30PM PDT "Meglos" movie version
The 4th Doctor is trapped in a Chronic Hysteresis while a cactus named
Meglos impersonates him to steal a rare artefact that keeps an
underground civilization alive. Can he prove his innocence before ~~~ The
4th Doctor
is trapped in a Chronic Hysteresis while a cactus named Meglos impersonates
him to steal a rare artefact that keeps an underground civilization alive.
Will K-9's tail ever ~~~ The 4th Doctor is trapped in a Chronic

Benjamin F. Elliott (> 23/4/99


[subject: Re: New fans and how to convert them]

PowrWrap (powrwrap@aol.com4RBIS> wrote:

> Anyone else got any conversion stories?

Well, not much to tell.  They put me on the table, ran some tubes in me,
put me in this suit and then I was out for most of the rest of the
operation.  Not like the horror stories you hear in "Tomb of the
Cybermen" or anything...and its not bad to be like us...

"Cyber" Chris Rednour (gs06cjr@panther.Gsu.EDU> 23/4/99


In article (>, (Msquared) wrote:
> In article (>, (Steve Day) wrote:
> >Praise where it's due, and certainly it is due to DWM.
> Hear, hear.  The two Garys rool :)

Of course, as Paul Cornell so very nearly said, all interesting Who is Gary.

Mark Phippen (> 23/4/99


[subject: Re: More Top Tens]

Marcus Durham wrote:

> 44 - December '63 (Oh What a Night) (Four Seasons)
>                                   - The First Doctor and the Daleks.

Oh, dear.  I know you said "Four Seasons" and not "Four Tops," but I just
an image of William Hartnell and three Daleks dressed in shiny gold tuxedos,
dancing on the Ed Sullivan show.


C. Glen Williams (> 23/4/99


[subject: Re: Just finished Vampire Science...]

... and for my final exam I have to wring the head of a chicken,
measure out 15cc of blood, turn on the spot 4.5 times clockwise
and bring a television programme back from the dead.

Graham Nelson (> 24/4/99


[Ed’s ‘spot the Doctor Who fan’]

Ed Stradling (> wrote
> At the risk of making myself very unpopular, the well-known symptoms
> of Dr Who fandom, or anoraks in general, are as follows:
> Lack of fashion sense

Flares are coming back in, dammit! They said so on Richard And Judy!

> No boyfriend/girlfriend, recent history or prospect thereof

Hm. I have a girlfriend, but no boyfriend....

> Living with parents if over 25

Of course this is a neat way to avoid having to pay Council Tax, given that
it's valued on two people sharing a house, and the third is extraneous...

> Lack of social skills

You talkin' to me? I said you talkin' to me? I don't see nobody else

> Few friends

A friend in need is a pest indeed.

> Stays in on Friday & Saturday nights

Work can tend to get in the way, for those self-employed....

> Lack of personal confidence or interactive ability

Yeah right. (Er, pardon me for asking, but that was the right sort of way
to answer this? I mean, I did catch the ironic tone right?)

> obsessiveness / anal retentiveness

Obsessive? OBSESSIVE?! if I may paraphrase Colin Baker as the sixth Doctor
in story 6T, Attack Of The Cybermen, which aired opposite the A Team on
January 5th and 12th 1985...

Dangermouse (> 24/4/99


[Regarding The Nth Doctor; or Jean-Marc gets lippy]

> >> >> >>Anyway, what irked me the most is how the writer tried to
> >> >> >>incorporate all these "almost" stories into continuity. Come on!
> >> >> >>They weren't made - - - > even for the novels!

[Jean-Marc Lofficier]
> >> >> >I did it *especially*  to piss you off.  I'm glad I succeeded.

> >> >>Sorry, didn't even know most of us back then.

[Jean-Marc Lofficier]
> >> >I travelled back in time just for that purpose.

[David Darlington]
> >>I like this. This is funny. How come the book wasn't, then?

[Jean-Marc Lofficier]
> >It was.  It's not my fault if you haven't got a sense of humor.

[Paul Cornell]
> Unfortunately: it is.

No I checked my files, he wasn't part of the Great Lofficier Clone
Experiment of 1980-1985.  Sorry.

Jean-Marc Lofficier (> 24/4/99


[Subject: Re: New fans and how to convert them.]

In article (>,
Robwhite22 (> wrote:

>I tried for a while with my girlfriend, who was fairly receptive, but
>conclusive results.

Enough about that, do you have any conversion stories?

R.J. Smith (smithrj2@mcmail.cis.McMaster.CA> 24/4/99


Paul P Wrote:
> Grrrr... I like Terrance. I've always enjoyed his writing. Sure it's
> lightweight at times, but that can be a good thing.

Sure... sentences that stretch BEYOND six words hurt my brain sometimes...

Actually I've nothing against Uncle Terrance... it's just fun to have a poke
at him occasionally ;-)

"See the Doctor Run"
"Run, Doctor, run"
"See the companion twist ankle"

‘Marwood’ (> 25/4/99


Oliver Welsh wrote:

> What do you all think about fans who hide their terrible secret? Am I the
> only one etc?

Fuck it. Why should we give a shit about what people think? Exactly what
are these people going to play in our lives anyway? If someone's going to
you because of your choice of entertainment then why bother with that
I'm a Who fan and proud.

Hope no one at work's reading this.

Simon Simmons (> 25/4/99


OJ THORNTON (> wrote in message
> Doctor: Interestingly, in Earth's solar system, there are something like
> 2 to the power 20 equally valid versions of the 21st century.   It's as
> if the quantum wave-function of time never collapsed there, because they
> all reunite and at the end of the sector of time in question, any one of
> them could have been the true past.   Looking forwards from the 20th
> Century, it is impossible to distinguish between them, and looking
> backwards from the 22nd it is equally impossible to distinguish between
> them, yet they are all very different.   This phenomenon is unique in all
> space-time!   All of these contradictory events are true, but separate -
> until a point in the early 2130s, when there is a moment when they all
> reunite to continue as a single thread of history again.

I like the above very much. Does the Quote File accept non-humorous
posts that people feel should be preserved for all time?

If not, it should.

Paul 'Ozymandias' Harman (> 26/4/99

[No, it doesn’t - D.E]


In article (lOXU2.1$>,
  "Paul 'Ozymandias' Harman" (> wrote:
>  Please bare with me until Friday.

Sounds fun to me! Long as the girls join in :)

Mark ‘two kids’ Phippen (> 26/4/99


[Subject: Re: Dalek Docusoap]

Marcus Durham wrote:

Perhaps the TV21 Dalek strips were exactly this.

All you'd need to do is dramatise them and add a soft, slightly troubled
voiceover by John Nettles  . . . "It's now 25 rels past nine on Monday
morning, and the Rust Cloud is still causing problems for the Emperor..."

Gary Gillatt (> 26/4/99


[Regarding the confessed nerdiness of certain fans]

Oh my god, there are nerds on this ng? No!

(sound of door closing, sound of footsteps fading into the distance. Sound
car door opening then closing, engine starting and tires squealing)


PowrWrap (powrwrap@aol.com4RBIS> 26/4/99


[Subject: Re: Christmas]

In article (7g2odl$>, (Jefferson Eng) wrote:
> In article (7g2cbv$suo$>,
> :I am looking for a store who displays Christmas decorations really early,
> :preferably between August and November.  I don't want a Christmas-type
> store,
> :i.e. a store that sells decorations.  I'm looking for a Bloomingdales or
> Sears
> :store.
> And this has to do with Doctor Who in what way?

Probably did a DN search on groups containing the word 'Christmas'... it's
that bloody squid again...

Conrad Feinson (> 27/4/99


[Subject: Re: Three of a Kind]

Frank Cronogue wrote in message ...
>You've heard of the Three Musketeers, the Three Amigos, and the Three
>Even the Three Doctors.
>Now's your chance to meet the Doctor's 'Three Queens of

I thought this was going to be an advert for The Sirens of

Tim Saward (> 27/4/99


[Subject: Re: Dalek Docusoap]

On Tue, 27 Apr 1999, Paul Andinach wrote:

> On Sun, 25 Apr 1999, Marcus Durham wrote:
> > Davros: I have recruited the most evil person in the universe.  A person
> >         who can strike terror in millions, just by the mention of her
> >         name.
> > Davros: Maureen from Driving School!
> > Dalek: ARRGGGHHH!!!!!!
> ARRGGGHHH!!!!!! indeed, matey.

NOTE: This dialogue shouldn't cause confusion with the reader as to who
the two factions in the Dalek war are.  The Pirate Daleks go "ARRR" and
wear an eye-patch over their eye-stalk.

Chris Rednour (gs06cjr@panther.Gsu.EDU> 27/4/99


[Subject: Re: The Titles of Dicks]

In article (>, Chris Orton
(> wrote:
> Whilst reading 'Players' I noticed that once again Terrance Dicks has
> used the blandest, most uninteresting chapter titles *yet again* in one
> of his books. Okay, so chapter titles are not important, but doesn't
> anybody think that Terrance could try to think of something more
> interesting than "Attack", "Plans Afoot", "Capture", "Flight" and
> "Kidnap"? I'm only early on in the book, so I'm half expecting to see
> the title "Escape to Danger" soon.

It could be worse.  Just imagine, say, Terry Nation's version
of Pride and Prejudice...

    "Country House of the Daleks" (a.k.a. "Persuasion cutaway")

    Chapter 1.  The Death of Jenny Bennett
    Chapter 2.  The Expedition
    Chapter 3.  The Visit of Tarrant
    Chapter 4.  The Destruction of Sara
    Chapter 5.  The Dalek Invasion of Bath
    Chapter 6.  Seek - Locate - Proposition
    Chapter 7.  The Piano of Terror

...or then again it might go the Babylon 5 "more pretentious than
you've had hot dinners" route...

    Chapter 8.  The Deconstruction of Mortgaged Houses
    Chapter 9.  And The Gravel Cried Out, No More Coaches
    Chapter 10. Spinning In The Light Of A Deathly Grail

...or the "middle period Doctor Who" method...

    Chapter 11. The Space Dance
    Chapter 12. The Time Recital
    Chapter 13. The Space Outing-To-Pick-Strawberries

...winding up with the "late Doctor Who" approach:

    Chapter 14. Revivification of the Proposal
    Chapter 15. Bloodwedding

Graham Nelson (> 28/4/99


[Subject: Re: Naughty Wife]

JPatSAD (> wrote:
> i'm a very naughty girl when my husband is away wanna play?


In the year 1999 the Cybermen realised that their plans would have to be
radically altered if they were ever to convert the humans of earth.
In pursuit of their new masterplan they created a special army of
sexycybergirls to pray on the sad fanboys and convert them into the
Now free to roam in the faceless, fast moving, deceptive world of
the internet, the cybersurfing cybermen were able to subvert human
civilization to their own ends.

Charles Daniels (> 28/4/99


"David Brunt" (> writes:

>Si Jerram [1] wrote in message (>...
>>In rec.arts.drwho (Christopher Krisocki) wrote:
>>>   My WebTV just added a spell-checker to its mail program today. As a
>>>sort of test, I typed in a few DW monsters just to see what would
>>>happen. Every alien I tried triggered the spell-checker --- except for
>>>"Dalek"! Could it be that there are some DW fans who work for WebTV
>>>Networks? :)
>>Welll... the word Dalek is in the OED.  I doubt many of the others
>A few that are in the OED are Zygon, Kraal and Macra.  But they do mean
>something entirely different.

Ice Warrior is in there too, although the
definition is split up into two parts and fails to
mention anything about Mars.

‘Azaxyr’ (> 28/4/99


Azaxyr wrote:
> Just like everything else I say about Dr Who
> is my opinion.
> Which is what I've been saying for... ever.
> What the fuck's your point?

                          o o
                         o   o
                        o      o
                       o         o
                      o             o  o  h!!

Handbags at dawn!

*Someone* didn't have their Weetabix this morning!

Ben Woodhams (> 29/4/99


Charles Daniels (> wrote:
>HEY!  Rick, if you're reading, maybe the Cybermen really love potato
>chips!  "You will be like Uttzzzzzz!"


MadDogG252 (> 30/4/99


In article (7gad3g$1qr$>,
Misha Lauenstein  (> wrote:
>It is, of course, possible for us to read Missing Adventures that take
>in the old timeline: Devil Goblins From Neptune, I think (or was it Face of
>the Enemy) used the 'Late 70's UNIT', but if a post retcon Doctor
>visited Pertwee, would it be the new, Mawdryn Undead inspired, 'Early 70's

No Future certainly was. Even the PM had changed.

I quite like this theory. In fact, since Ghosts of N-Space took place in
the nineties, it looks like the present of the past is being pushed ever
forward, while the past of the present is moving backwards.

Somewhere, somebody's getting something out of this.

Robert Smith? (smithrj2@mcmail.cis.McMaster.CA> 30/4/99


[David Brunt]
> >>And Jo mangles a bit of 'I am the Walrus' in 'The Three Doctors'.

[OJ Thornton]
>> Wasn't Joe Mangle on Neighbours, not Dr. Who?

[Adam Richards]
> Nah, you're thinking of the war criminal, Joseph Mengele, featured on
> the programme "Neighbours From Hell".

I remember that!  Yeah that show was suppose to run for 1000 years but it
got cancelled after 12, I guess that's what happens when you plan too far

Charles Daniels (> 1/5/99


In article (372b9f5d@calwebnnrp>,
Charles Daniels  (> wrote:
>Well if I had Sarah Jane Smith with me, i'd definitely try to restart the
>human population.

Interestingly, Charles Daniels is one of the very few people in legal
to have had a restraining order preventing him from approaching fictional

Robert Smith? (smithrj2@mcmail.cis.McMaster.CA> 2/5/99


[Subject: Personal Ads]

CATS FOR SALE - Cash preferred, phone Perivale 826176. Ask for The

         Soldeed, Skonnos.

WANTED: Gullible 25 year old schoolboy for assassination mission. Must
        like ducks. To contact me, clutch white crystal and look
        spooked out.

CAR FOR SALE - Silver hovercraft style, one elderly owner, 20,000
               genuine miles. Full years MOT and tax. Write
               to Top Secret UNIT HQ, 67 Green Lane, Woking.

COMPUTER FOR SALE - Full voice recognition, tape drives, flashing
                    lights and projection screen. May be dangerous
                    if connected to internet. Phone Global Chemicals.

FOR SALE - 2560 Hawaiian shirts. Write to Mr Nathan-Turner, BBC TV

MISSING - Two school teachers. Last seen November the 23rd 1963.

FOR SALE - Full set of cricket gear. Must sell as no longer
           fit. Phone the 6th Doctor.

JOBS - Money for old rope. Scriptwrite for Bates Motel. Contact Working knowledge of Bates and insanity
       required. Discretion assured.

WANTED - Vics Vaporub, as feeling a little chesty. Peri.

MISSING - My charisma. Last seen in 1962. Ralph Cornish.

FOR SALE - Megabyte Modem. Not .V90 compatible hence going cheap. Write
           to Mel, Pease Pottage.

MAKE MONEY FAST - Pyramid scheme that can't fail! Contact Sutekh,
                  planet Mars.

BOATS BUILT TO ORDER - Contact Commander Lytton, Mermaid Boatyard,

MISSING - Pet Loch-Ness Monster. Will pay reward for safe return.
          Contact The Zygons.

Marcus Durham (> 3/5/99




For Type 40 TARDIS - including chameleon circuits, mercury,
Zeiton-7, fast-return switches, Mark III Emergency
Transceiver, faster radiation counters, image translators
and 25% of interior.

The BBC needs new script editor. Apply c/o a source of
unimaginable power that could destroy the universe.

Won't be needed since accident. Apply Davros.

Apply to 'Lonely', Zolfa-Thura.

We have no control over it and it will kill you if you are
'not like us'. We emphasise, however, that it is not, repeat
not, a Dalek©. Apply Virgin Books.

You wanted it, we got it. Apply Emperor Dalek c/o Skaro (or
is it?).

One who doesn't bloody cheat this time. Apply Fenric c/o
Dawn of Time.

With new eyepatch.

No timewasters.

No time meddlers.

No Time Lords.

Be a tree. Apply Rani c/o Albert Square.

With Dr. Evil's new Home Mind Probe kit.

I'll take all your problems off your hands. Apply Valeyard.

Want those regenerations they promised you? Fed up with
constantly being put on trial? Put in a time loop for being
a bit of silver paper? Worry not, we'll make it as though it
never happened. 'A stunning service. It's just a shame I was
never born to begin with' - a satisfied customer.

Satisfied customers everywhere, from Mexico to Yemaya 4;
from San Francisco to Ha'olam. Anytime, anyplace, anybody,
as long as it's the Doctor. Apply Mistress Orman, Aus. 'I
found her methods inventive and pleasantly sadistic' -
General Pinochet.

‘Dr. Evil’ (> 5/4/99


[Subject: Re: What are Adrics?]

Marcus Durham wrote in message ...
>And finally there's the problem
>that for the most part, for a yearly award the awards actually usually
>seem to focus on the last couple of months.

True, if pretty much unavoidable.  The only real workaround I can think of
is rolling nomination, with a sort of summary update throughout the year.
So that by the time the Adrics rolled around, we'd be able to do an
Oscars-like clip:

"The first contender for the A****r Memorial Timelash Award is I.M. Baaad!,
and what a worthy candidate he is!
Mr Baaad! got off to a strong start to the year - in January he cut off the
heads of all posts which came his way, leaving the bloody bodies twitching
unintelligibly, pierced by sporadic insults.  In March he started the
award-winning thread, "jtn takes it up the arsse - &colin givs it 2him!!!"
His fondly remembered Variations on a Theme series featured principally in
June and July, playing with subtle alterations to the "fuck of you fucking
fuckwit!!!!" theme.  And who can forget the pornographic binaries assault,
conducted so vigorously throughout the second part of the year?  Finally,
his thorough and ongoing campaign against Xanxia culminated in triumph in
December, with his 'xmas gifts   ;(O' post finally driving Xanxia from the
Ladies and gentlemen, a warm hand for our first candidate!"

Seems a bit high-maintenance, though.

Daniel Gooley (> 3/5/99


Steve Roberts wrote in message (>...
>On Sun, 02 May 1999 22:13:03 GMT, (Adam
>Richards) wrote:
>>Have a look at the spelling of "Docter Who" (sic) on the cassette
>>label. (smirk>
>Ah, like the famous 'Logolopolis' cassette spine title!

I think that's a *little* bit more forgivable.


Mark Phippen (> 3/5/99


In article (>,
Becker  (> wrote:


Dave, I think I see the problem. You read the wrong book. You really
should have read "Ship of Fools.moderated" instead.

Robert Smith? (smithrj2@mcmail.cis.McMaster.CA> 3/5/99


[Subject: Re: Fitz is a find-your-own-way character]

Aidan Folkes ( wrote:
: I was reading Dominion last night, and it struck me that Fitz
: is a bit like a character from one of those find-your-own-way
: adventure books (the ones that are split up into chunks and
: at the end of a chunk you have options, which send you off
: to a different part of the book). He seems to keep having
: moments like:

This looks more like a personality quiz in a magazine.   Add up the
points for your answers and see what kind of a person YOUR Fitz is...

: 1)
: The Doctor looked thoughtful, he motioned to Sam and said
: "Number 34". Sam acknowledged this and started to creep
: around behind the wall.

: Does Fitz:
: a) Look blank and hide
: b) Ask Sam what's going on
: c) Jump into the middle and shoot somebody

a) 5 b) 0 c) 10

: 2)
: When Sam had finished explaining about the trans-dimenisonal
: rift and the threat it posed to the planet xqurillon, Fitz
: was none the wiser.

: Does Fitz:
: a) Bullshit
: b) Admit he doesn't understand
: c) ask Sam to sleep with him

a) 5 b) 0 c) 10

: I'll put spoiler space now as it concerns Dominion
: {spoiler going down}

: Floor -30, slight spoilers and Kitchen Utensils

: 3)
: Kerstin looked confused.

: Does Fitz:
: a) Tell the truth
: b) Not tell the truth
: c) Try to get off with her

a) 0 b) 5 c) 10

If you scored:
0-10: Your Fitz is an honest idiot who is as likely to get shot as get a
sensible answer.   He gives away too much, and wastes time trying to
understand incomprehensible things.   He should lighten up a bit, and
seize the bull by the horns more often.

11-20: Your Fitz is a bluffer who tries to give the impression of
coolness while really not having the foggiest what's going on.   He
should try to base his actions more on what is sensible, than what
actually makes him look like he knows what's going on.

21-30: Your Fitz is the archetypal action hero, with more girls guns guts
than a man could wish for.   Unfortunately, in the world of Dr. Who this
is going to get you killed (just ask Dodo).   He should try to temper his
macho urges with some semblance of sanity and learn from the Doctor how
to think your way around problems, not try to blow them up.

OJ Thornton (> 4/5/99

[Although I think there should be equal credit for Aidan there]


[From alt.drwho.creative]

[Subject: re: Hatred and Laziness]

Magrat wrote:

> Paul Benson wrote in message (>...
> >              Hatred & Laziness
> > a 1/10th drabble
> >
> > The Dalek fired immediately. Adric screamed and got fried
> > instantly.
> no, i'm sorry, there just isn't any character development
> there... (g>

Sorry, I'll rewrite it...

'The Dalek fired. Adric died.

Angst, angst, angst, angst angst.'

The shortest NA in history, I believe.

Paul Benson (> 4/5/99


'The Witch Hunters' feels short. I'm sure it's not just the types of words
used... or any funny
                        Mr.                     Mortimer

‘Shadows’ (> 4/5/99


[Subject: Episode Titles]

Of course we all know that early stories had individual titles for each
episode. However, what if later stories had individual titles? Here are
some suggestions for Horns of Nimon:


Keith Bradbury (> 4/5/99


Keith Bradbury wrote:
> Of course we all know that early stories had individual titles for each
> episode. However, what if later stories had individual titles?

The War Games
Episode 1. The Trenches
Episode 2. The Romans
Episode 3. Padding
Episode 4. More Padding
Episode 5. Even More Padding
Episode 6. Yet More Padding
Episode 7. Gosh! More Padding
Episode 8. What's This? You Can't Be Serious? Tel, We'll
Have To Do More Padding.
Episode 9. The Time Lords
Episode 10. The Trial

City of Death
Episode 1. The Time Lords Guide to Paris
Episode 2. The Jaggaroth at the end of the Last Episode
Episode 3. Life, the Chickens and Everything
Episode 4. So long, and Thanks For All the Fists

The Sontaran Experiment
Episode 1. The Experiment
Episode 2. The Sontaran

The Five Doctors:
Episode 1. The Four Doctors

‘Dr. Evil’ (> 5/4/99


[Subject: Re: Episode Titles]

All right, here are suggestions for some of my
favorite stories:

Time and the Rani:
1. A Crack in Skull Kills Doctor
2. The Red Head Bitch
3. Gee, It's so *BIG* Doctor!
4. Brain Drain Again

Remembrance of the Daleks:
1. Look, it's a cockroach... EXTERMINATE
2. Fresh Prince of Bel-Air Cutaway
3. Time to Rewrite Who History
4. I'm Secretly Moonlighting as an Emperor

1. Ace's Place
2. My Favorite Pussy
3. Bite Me Master

‘Azaxyr’ (> 4/5/99


[Subject: Re: Episode Titles]

What about 'Shada'
Part 1: Most
Part 2: Some
Part 3: Less
Part 4: Lesser
Part 5: Clips
Part 6: Tom Baker in Talking Heads

Matt ‘Msquared’ (> 5/5/99


[Subject: Re: Doctor Who Novel Rankings: May]

Jim Fung wrote:

> If these early books were really so bad, it's a wonder the range retained
> of its readership at all.

Well, these are the net ratings, after all. The DWM readership, a larger
of voters with somewhat different tastes (and, arguably, more representative
of the book-buying fans) have some interesting differences of opinion in the
DWM poll. Maybe they'll be published in the new issue.

In case you think I'm clutching at straws (!), I think "Kursaal" appears in
about the same place in each poll. So much for my campaign to get my
fan club (Sid and Doris Bonkers) to sit up all night licking envelopes.
I should have realised that they were supposed to have enclosed voting forms
before sealing them.

Peter Anghelides (> 4/5/99


[Subject: Re: Thwacking Categories]

In article (7gnuar$4aq$>, said:

> So I'd divvy up the nominees into two categories:
> Thwacked with a Timelash Video and person most deserving to have a
> Timelash video shove dup his/her butt.

I don't know why, but occasional cries of "Shove Dup! Shove Dup!"
sound _exactly_ like something that those green guys should work into
their Aerobics For Kroll routine...

William December Starr (> 4/5/99


[Subject: Re: My Top Ten Worst Stories]

The Mutants - surprisingly little of interest here.  Even the usual fun
banter between The Doctor and Jo is reduced to the worst running joke
ever seen on the series, not only is it not funny the first time, it's
not funny when they reference it several episodes on...apparently
the Doctor broke a door and the people who are suppose to investigate
broken doors don't want to check it out --- ohh side splitting fun.
For those who want to get a handle on the plot, here we go -
The Doctor and Jo land on Skybase, but they get in trouble so they beam
over to Solos, but they get in trouble so they beam back to Skybase, where
they are still in trouble so they beam back to Solos, where they again get
scared so they beam back to Skybase.  Then some insects beam from Solos to
Skybase, look around and beam back to Solos.  Eventually The Doctor and Jo
get in trouble and beam down to Solos before beaming back to Skybase.
Even though about 3 minutes of this story is a good idea, an alien race
with a centuries long life cycle of metamorphosis, this is a good idea
amongst 6 episodes of beaming back and forth.

Charles Daniels (> 4/5/99

----------------------------------------------------------------- (Kafenken)wrote:

>Jo Grant, cock-up expert!
>Hmmm, that doesn't sound right somehow...  :-)

Why not?  Sounds like a perfect description to me.  How else do you explain
she knew the exact controls to use to make the hidden bed pop out?

MadDogG252 (> 5/5/99


In article (>, (Nyctolops) wrote:
> I sometimes wonder how he knew anyway; does the Doctor have
> X-ray vision?

Yes. Plus he's faster than a speeding bullet (check out his typing in
"Robot"), he looks good in a cape, he's a strange visitor from another
who has a secret identity, *and* he's able to leap tall plot holes in a
single bound.

Allen Robinson (> 6/5/99


[Subject: Re: Tavern this Friday]

Dave Stone wrote:

> Susannah Tiller
> (>
> wrote:
> > > Hello all you gorgoeus boys and girls of Sydney. After six months of
> > > setting around the world I'll be in town for Tavern at THE GLOBE,
> > > we've gone all hip.
> > >
> > Unfportinately, I won't be able to make it, as I'm rather busy with
> > university. However, I do hope to make it down to tav at some stage this
> > year...
> Oh dear God, our own little drinking hole has gone multinational ...

Indeed. Here's a few handy phrases to help guide folks through this
transition period.


"Bonjour. J'm'appele Tat Bois; voulez-vous acheter un de mes fanzines? Ils
un snip a two quid fifty sterling, et un read bien bon sur la tube plus tard

"Je crois que le Monsiour Pierre me owes au moins de sept pints, au count

"Je suis oblige a me demander si Monsiour Moffat a les cohones a retourner
apres 'Le Curse du Mort Fatale'."


"El Senor Stradling es un gringo multo tough, con los cinque o'clock shadow


"Ich finde die letze minuten von 'Zeitlash' schon mehr langweiling als
'Zeitflug', aber 'ZweiDocs' takes die biscuit."

"Diese bieren sind hund's piss." "Ja, aber sie sind bloody cheap fur Central

"Wem is der weirdo mit die scarf?" "Ich wiese nicht. Er ist kein freund von


"Mayn(g) tum say payar karta hunh, you guys. Hic."

Ben Woodhams (> 7/5/99


Keith Bradbury (> writes:

>From Who North America:

>We still have a handful of the first of the Millenium Daleks on hand
>from Dapol. These are only $10.95 each (US) and limited to an initial
>run of 1000.


        Millenium Daleks?  Are these Daleks whose travel machines
        have the Y2K bug?

        "EX-TERM-IN-ATE!  EX-TERM-IN--"

        (*Clocks tick over to Jan. 1st, 12:00:01, year 2000*)


        (Joking aside -- has anyone *seen* these things?

        A picture's at:

        What the hell was Dapol thinking?  They're -- spangly.
        It's a *Disco* Dalek, for Chrissakes.  Terrifying.
        All it really needs is gold chains around its neck and
        sunglasses.  Well -- a sunglass.)

Michael J. Montoure (> 8/5/99


[from alt.drwho.creative]

[Subject: Re: I'm new. How does one post ?]

In article (7gudl8$rl8$>  writes:
> That's about it.  We're a loose group of people, with a lot of different
> things going on, and a lot of different levels of skill.  There's no
> thresh- hold; no questionnaire to fill in, no secret oath of obedience to
> Susannah Tiller to take.




You mean all that business with the cucumber, the fifty plucked chickens,
dancing around in pink polka dot thigh length waders, the chanting and the
ducking in the swimming pool of lumpy custard?  - not to mention the
with the scarf, the umbrella and hedgehog and the chimney sweep's  brushes
not an Official initiation?

You mean I had the profile of JNT tattooed on my...well never mind! for

A certain person on this group (who shall be nameless) will be hearing from

Clive May (> 8/5/99


On 8 May 1999, JeffWorks wrote:

> Here are the real names of three of the actors who played the
> Doctor.  If anyone knows anymore, please post!
> Jon Pertwee=Jean Roland Perthuis de Leillevaux
> Peter Davison= Peter Moffett
> Sylvester McCoy= James Kent-Smith

Here's the rest, as best I can recall:

William Hartnell=William Hartnell
Patrick Troughton=Patrick Troughton
Tom Baker=Tom Baker
Colin Baker=Colin Baker
Paul McGann=Paul McGann

Paul Andinach (> 9/5/99


Rayctate wrote in message (>...
>Jon Blum wrote:
>>But I don't think the Doctor's been a mere nobody for quite a long time --
>>after all, this is a guy who was hand-picked by God, sorry the White
>>for a mission to save the universe.
>The day he aided the Thals in storming the Dalek city, he ceased to become
>nobody, but that's the point.  It's more satisfying to me that he earns the
>rep.  If he's being chosen because some suicidal, old man threw himself in
>cheesy reproductive device, then I cease to enjoy it.

Ah, thanks for that little Pythonesque scene, folks!

Jon:  "The Doctor's not a nobody.  He's Time's Champion, our Hero.
Ray: "Oh?  How did he become a Hero, then?"
Jon: "God Himself handed him the Tracker, signalling by divine right  that
he was to be rightful saviour of the universe!"
Ray: "You think he's someone special because some duck-headed old fart was
after a witless stooge?"
Jon: "Be quiet!"
Ray: "Real hero status derives from a actually saving the masses, not from
some farcical psycho-babble mumbo-jumbo."
Jon: "Shut up!"
Ray: "I mean, if I went around passing myself off as Time's bloody Champion
just because some suicidal old fogey threw himself in a cheesy reproduction
device, you'd cart me off to the loony bin.  I mean-"
Jon: "Shut up!  Wil you shut up!"
Ray: "Ooh, ooh!  I'm being oppressed by the Church of the Divine Virgin!
Come and see the oppression inherent in the newsgroup Establishment!"

(The rest was just the usual Jon/Ray back'n'forth - you know: "Come back
here and I'll bite off your legs so that you've got nothing to stand on!" -
but I did enjoy this bit  :c)

Daniel Gooley (> 10/5/99


[Subject: Re: HALF-HUMAN - at last the truth can be told!]

Kate, quite reasonably taking offence at the misjudged tone of my

> >Such as: who is the Doctor's mum? McGann's Doctor doesn't mention her at
> >all which might just be another expression of the total contempt for
> >which seems to be his defining characteristic in the movie.


> Your evidence from the text, please, sir. :-)

In the original script the Doctor keeps Grace imprisoned in a big pit in
the TARDIS and tries to turn her skin into a "female suit" for himself.
This is the origin of the line "I always dress for the occasion" later
given to the Master.

In the transmitted version when he says "These shoes... they fit perfectly"
its an overdub. Read his lips carefully and you can see he's saying "Yes,
yes, you're right, all the women must die..."

He is obviously bitter and twisted at having regenerated with a Gillian
Anderson hairdo. Admittedly the height of chic at the time, but as a time
traveller he would know that the X-Files cash-in market would run dry
within a year of the original transmission. The rest is transference.

The Frankenstein sequence makes it clear that he is NOT of woman born and
thus a gynophobe. Cf David Forbes in Interzone.

And - as I say - he doesn't mention his mum. Who is Mel.

Caveat Emptor (omitted from the original post): This is all made-up.

Daniel O'Mahony (> 10/5/99


[Subject: Revolution Rap (aka Arthur peruses Revolution Man)]

When, the window-cleaner's turned you to a budding neuropath,
'Cause he's comin' up his ladder every time you're in the bath,
When, you're hollerin' and yellin' and creatin' a big racket'
'Cause there's only seven crumbs left in the Golden Graham packet
When you're sweatin' in your igloo with a really pained expression,
Like Azaxyr being submissive in a whips and bondage session:

Well listen motherfucker, don't just wallow in your gloom
Or contemplate your navel like a comatose legume,
Groove down to your nearest bookstore, as adroitly as you can
And buy or filch this paperback called Revolution Man.

'Cause it ain't no pile of frog-toss like a book by Peel or Bulis
Which is like to Leonard's opus as a dribble to a pool is,
And it ain't pretentious nonsense like Aaronovitch's Transit
That's as clear as cursive typeset when an Epsom GT scans it.

It's the finest goddamn EDA since Paul Magr's Scarlet Empress
And should stimulate your senses like a Mata Hari temptress.
It's as good as Chicken Bhuna served with Dal and Pilau Rice,
So get on down, pick up this book, and make for Paradise!


It concerns this right-on geezer with a real capacious habit -
He consumes hallucinogens just like Grace Slick in 'White Rabbit',
'Xcept instead of seein' caterpillars and psychedelic flowers,
He can modify reality with telekinetic powers.

And he's livin' with these flower folk in 1967
Who extol the use of force to gain their idealistic heaven,
And they might be raving hippies with an ethos that's eldritch,
But when Miss Jones joins their commune, they done treat her like a

Well, the Revolution Man intends to kick-start World War Three
By using his psi-powers in a transcendent thugee.
But it's left to Doc. Identikit to avert this Armageddon,
Cause Fitzie's buggered off to pull a chick and plan a wedding.

Paul Leonard's prose style draws you like a faintly pleasant smell,
It's not too arty-farty but it serves its purpose well.
His portrayal of the sixties is replete with atmosphere,
And his narrative incorporates an undertow of fear.

The portrait of the regulars is better than the norm,
The Doctor is no idiot and Fitz is back to form.
And you don't done wish to subject Sam to suffering obscene,
Or just lock her in a broom cupboard to gobble Mr Sheen.

So don't just sit and scratch your ass like some beggar in a hovel,
Go take that ass to Dillon's and appropriate this novel,
Or just slip it your pocket if you're getting short of lucre -
It'll raise your spirits faster than red hashish in a hookah.

It'll bring the window cleaner's voyeurism to a halt,
It'll rain down Golden Grahams in a plethora of malt.

So when life smells like some refuse and the world's giving you gyp.
Chill out. Read Revolution Man. Relax.  Enjoy the trip.

Arthur Banana (> 10/5/99


[Regarding the Doctor ‘dumping’ Grace]

It would have been such a shock if he'd accepted her offer though.

GRACE : You come with me.
DOCTOR : Me come with you?
GRACE : Yeah, if we stay here we can build some standing sets and make
a series more feasable.
DOCTOR : Cool.

Richard Jones (> 11/5/99

----------------------------------------------------------------- wrote:


I`ve just noticed your e-mail address. Do you work at Westminster?
If so could you verify for me that Cherie Blair isn’t the latest
design for the Cybermen?

Andrew Atkins (> 11/5/99


[Subject: Re: DWB reviews]

David J Howe wrote:

> Ben Woodhams wrote:
> > I don't think he's just talking about their Who coverage: he's saying
> > that Dreamwatch is now an unwitting capitalist servant of The Man,
> > wheras it used to be a proto-anarchist fanzine on a subversive par with
> > the ever-popular 'Class War'.
> You are Paul Cornell and I claim my five pounds!

Christ, I hope not! 'Cos if I am, I'm buggered if I know where all the fan
adulation, respect from my peers and easy sex at conventions has got to. Not
to mention the royalties.

Ben Woodhams (> 12/5/99


What, if anything, *do* the authors imbibe to get their juices flowing?
Judging by their styles, I'll hazard:

Ormanblum: Something non-alocholic with ginseng in it.

Paul Cornell: A light white wine, very chilled, served with sunshine.
Possibly a side-order of chips. In a pub. In the country. Long ago in an
English etcetera.

Dave McIntee: Thunderbird, but showing an increasing prediliction for
Single Malts.

Topping: Urfanglin's Olde Peculiar.

Aaronovitch: Gin. Neat. Except when it's used as a mixer with vodka,
leaving you either very confused (Transit), or passing out halfway
through a sentence (So Vile A Sin).

Lyons: Netto Lemonade.

Magrs: Coke and that Stardust stuff which according to urban legend, can
rupture your stomach in combination (but what a way to go!).

Lance Parkin: Earl Grey, except for a brief dalliance with absinthe for
the Infinty Doctors.

Tucker & Perry: "Spread it on toast, spread it on thick; Wash it all
down with a cup of cold sick."

Lawrence Miles: Homebrew (it doesn't taste quite like *anything* else).

Dave Stone: If you have to ask, I'm not going to tell you.

ben w - who's just noticed that there's a gap in the market for a nice
Bulgarian Cabernet Sauvignon (although Anghelides' MST story came pretty
close, on reflection).

Ben Woodhams (> 13/5/99


Normal service will be resumed next month.

Terry Joynson
If you want a friend, feed any animal

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