The rec.arts.drwho Quote File - April 1995 through June 1995

Originated by Richard "Uncle Halibut" Salter

Currently maintained by Chris Heer


Steve Traylen ( writes:

(listing the top two NSa) >[#21] The Left-Handed Hummingbird 88.7% (56) 20404 2 >[#35] Set Piece 85.8% (12) 20436 0


- Andy Lane, 1st April 1995 (

Shannon Patrick Sullivan ( writes:

>:Andy Lane ( wrote: >: I'm giving up writing to become a ferret breeder and reinforced >: trouser maker in Cheshire. Goodbye cruel world. > >As if the world *needs* more ferret breeders...

Dear Mr. Lane,

Please ignore Shannon, who is obviously unaware of the joy that your new found occupation can bring. Indeed, I believe there is no better way to spend a Sunday afternoon than reading a copy of your excellent "All Consuming Fire" whilst listening to the thrashing squeals of mating ferrets.

Would it perhaps be possible perhaps for a ferret (procreating if possible) to be incorporated in your up and coming Doctor Who story, "Empire of the Glands"?

Pervy :)

- Peter Ware, 1st April 1995 (

[To which Andy Lane replied:]

Dear Pervy Pete,


Yours sincerely,

- Andy Lane, 3rd April 1995 (

[on the subject of the latest NAs/MAs to arrive in your part of the country]

Huh. Well, where *I'm* from, we've got *all* the NAs up to _Sleepy_, and all the MAs up to _Otherwhen_. Plus we've got the new Virgin novelisations of the first two seasons of Deja Who.

I'm really glad that they managed to lure Chris Bidmead back to novelise "It's About Time", and Steve Traylen's novelisation of "Dalek Trouble" is hilarious! I can't wait to see his screenplay for the new movie!

--David "I love my local bookstore" McKinnon

- David McKinnon, 4th April 1995 (

[Chris Kocher voted for this one, honest :) ]

DGillikin ( blathered frivolously about:

: Come now, we all know Tom Baker isn't God. Paul Cornell claims that : Terrance Dicks is God, so it **must** be true. :-)

I wasn't aware that God was into poloneck jumpers.

"The colour for aliens is always gween."

- Richard "Uncle Halibut" Salter, 4th April 1995 (

Paul Cornell writes:

>I don't want to boast or anything, but at the recent Virgin writers do, >Sophie ran her fingers through my new hairdo. It's not all work, work, >work, you know...:-)

I trust she had a bottle of Dettol handy.

- Mike Teague, 4th April 1995 (

"What do you have to say for yourself? What can you possibly look for that makes you continually break the laws of the Time Lords? What do you want, Doctor?"

Before the Doctor could answer, Ace responded. "Good to mediocre sex, if you must know."

- Greg McElhatton, ? April 1995 ( writes:

> But It was the Scots who helped found Canada, > och! >

Yes, the Scots found Canada, but as soon as we discovered that Dave Yadallee was going to be involved, we lost it again and let someone else have the honour.

- Gavin Greig, 5th April 1995 (

Of the many things that puzzle me concerning language use on RADW, one of the strangest is the American use of the word 'sucks', as in: 'Hey man, that dorky Pertwee story really sucked, you dig?'

Why should a bad thing 'suck'?

I mean, I understand the image we're being asked to call up here, but surely that's a very pleasant thing? Could we perhaps say, 'oh, that Eric Saward story really caressed', or 'The Time Monster really passionately kisses big time'?

And let's not even mention the so-called 'English muffin'...

- Paul Cornell, 9th April 1995 (

How about 'Doctor Who - but not the original series, a new series, except it's not new its exactly the same, except it's not, but it's made in the US, but of course it's not just an American thing 'cus the BBC have a hand in it, or perhaps it's better to call it Segal Who, except he doesn't like the name, and after all he's the producer not the creator, but me myself, I like Deja Who - I think I've seen it before somewhere but I'm not sure etc. etc.'

*then* everybody will be happy, surely???

PS this compresses into the handy acronym:



- Charlie Reay-Smith, 9th April 1995 (

[On the subject of the Sisterhood of Karn and the Hoothi]

No, no, no. I just watched this last night, and it's obvious that what she really says is "Even the silent ships of the Tootie could be heard while they were still a million miles distant." I'm using the line as the takeoff point for my NA submission, which is a crossover and features the cast of "The facts of Life" coming aboard the TARDIS as companions. Then Tootie gets captured and cloned, and the TARDIS crew is menaced by a silent gas dirigible (with "Goodyear" written across the side in big letters), filled with thousands of grim-faced Tooties on roller skates.

Luckily (spoiler warning!) Jo saves the day by cobbling together a small de-cloning mechanism with the Doctor's umbrella, some interstellar matter and a few parts from her motorcycle. At the end of the show she elopes with MacGyver and the Doctor maroons Blair on Solos, where she mutates into something unspeakably hideous.

It's a good read. Watch for it.

- Carrie Cornell, 17th April 1995 (

Quarklife (from the tune by Blur)

Resilience is a preference for the spiked practitioners of what is known as...


And big-shouldered suits should be avoided if you want to make it through what is known as...


Toba's got a padded suit, he gets intimidated by the Dulcians, they'd love a bit of him.

Who's that fat Time Lord snooping? You should cut down on your porklife, mate, get some exercise!


The Dominators

They go hand in hand

Hand in hand through their


I activate when my power's replenished, except on Wednesday when I'm rudely awakened by Dominator Rago.

I check my disintegrator, flap my arms about, and then think about leaving the saucer.

I spin my head, I sometimes spin my whole body. It gives me a sense of enormous well-being.

And then I'm happy for the rest of the day, safe in the knowledge that there will always be a part of my programming devoted to it.

Repeat chorus.

It's got nothing to do with your Ka Faraq Gatri, you know...

And it's not about you Chumblies who go round and round and round...

- Paul Cornell, 17th April 1995 (

[On the subject of Ben Aaronovitch's new book]

Steve Traylen ( writes:

>I am sure that there are people who are better placed to do this but.... >I was under the impression that April was the slot for Aaron---Aarrroo...

That old full moon problem again, Steve?

- Andy Lane, 18th April 1995 (

Oh look what's coming out! Theg Pitr By David Yada....

- Edan Harel, 20th(?) April 1995 (

This is my opinion and I do not invite flames. But I do so like law-suits!

Chet Hart, 23rd April 1995 (address withheld for legal reasons (-:)

[On the subject of the BBC release of the Key To Time season]

Paul Ian Harman writes:

> >Why have they split the Key to Time up into it's 6 parts?

Because the box set is far too powerful for a single person to hold. So it has been split up by the White City Guardian (BBC Video), and scattered across the retailers of the cosmos.

It is up to you, Paul, to seek out these six videos and bring them together. You will be given a release schedule to locate the segments and a Shop Assistant to help you secure them.

You have three months. Remember, beware the Black Guardian...

- David Owen, 26th April 1995 (

Thomas Himinez ( writes:

> A police box, and anyone can feel free to correct me, was used to >hold prisoners until transport could be arranged. So there were no >funature or anything like that found inside except maybe a chair. > > Before the advent of radios, police boxes were used as a methods of >communication. The light would flash when the phone was ringing, and a >helpful public would call out to the bobby, "Oy! You're light's a >flashin'!"

Nobby? Nobby, is that you? Yeah, it's Fingers 'ere. Look, I been nicked by some bleedin' rozzer, ain't I? Ee's only gawn an' bunged me in this blue box fing. Locked it and gawn to fetch 'is mates, I reckon. Wot? Nah, nah furniture or nuffink, but the stupid bleeder forgot there's a bleedin' phone in 'ere. That's why I'm phonin' ya. Look, come an' get me out, will ya, before the rozzers realise the light's flashin' while I'm makin' this call. You're a diamond geezer, Nobby.

- Andy Lane, 26th April 1995 (

Sudden inspiration!!!!

Mr. Ainley could also sell a range of Master-style stick on beards. He could produce a standard model, one that will only stick on at a funny looking dodgy angle, and possibly a model with optional white highlights (I'm sure old Roger wouldn't complain).

Phil Clarke, 1st May 1995 (

[Nominated by Jon Blum]

Jonathan Blum ( blathered frivolously about:

: Hmm... which of us do you think is most likely to be Neil posting under an : alias? :-)

Well I'm sorry, I have to admit at long last that it is in fact me.

My apologies for The Pit, I was under a lot of stress (an elephant sat on me).

-- \ /---\ o \ Neil Penswick, prolific writer of loads of really good stuff X __ o> o \ - "from pens to word processors" / \---/ \ If at first you don't succeed, don't write any more NAs - Richard "Uncle Halibut" Salter, 1st May 1995 (

"All this time you two thought you were playing some twisted game of chess... when it was just me playing with myself!"


D O C T O R W H O : T I M E R I F T


- Robert Ulrich, 2nd May 1995 (

(sung to the tune of Industrial Disease)

Now warning lights are flashing down in grammatical control

Somebody's been misspelling, he's a real a-hole

There's mangling of his sentences, they're twisted all around

We read and read and read them but there's no meaning to be found

On ITV and BBC's the only place he'll look

Forget the US networks, he thinks they cannot work

God, Queen and Country, that is all he sees

He's a classic victim of the Yadallee Disease!

He babbles on and on with words misspelled beyond belief

A killfile is the only way that we can get relief

He claims that if we do that, we're next to go

He can nail us all so easily, or didn't you know?

There's quotes of quotes everywhere, >'s are out of sight

Monarchist nonsense, he won't see the light!

Steve Traylen makes a post, it's riddled like swiss cheese

How come Traylen has the Yadallee Disease!?!?

Doctor Jonny Blum declares, "I'm not surprised to see you here,

You've got horribly bad grammar and spelling skills from 2nd year!

I don't know how you came to get some kind of degree,

but worst of all young man you've got the Yadallee Disease!"

He handed me a speak and spell and said, "Just work with this.

You'll need to practice regularly to pass a normal test.

Come back and see me later. (ting) Next patient, please!

Send in another victim of the Yadallee Disease! Ha ha ha"

(why do I do this?)

- Chris Heer, 2nd May 1995 (

Subject: Venusian Lullaby - a much shorter review (no spoilers)

Damn good book.

- Lou Anders, 2nd May 1995 (

Prakash Bakrania <> writes:

>Someone else asks: >> Is the Who shop any good ? Is it better than, say, Forbidden Planet? > >No - For a start it's much, much smaller... >

but only on the outside...

- Jon Massey, 2nd May 1995 ( stated:

: ObWho: Who wants to a Doctor Who episode actually shot in Scotland?

Who would like to see Yadds shot in Scotland?


- Dan "The Cobbler" Salter, 4th May 1995 (

At the NA/MA Writers' party recently (for those who don't know, every so often we meet up, act cliquey, make up clever new futuristic swearwords, decide to put more Douglas Adams humour and torture scenes in our books, ask why we can't regenerate the Doctor, have stupid spur of the moment ideas that get commissioned on the spot, attend talks called '10,000 Words of Padding It Can Be Done' and 'How to Rush Your Endings' and take time to reaffirm our allegiance with the Lord Satan), Peter Darvill-Evans announced that Adrian Rigelsford couldn't make it to the festivities. This was followed by roughly thirty grown men (Kate wasn't there) shouting 'Dildo!'. Well, it baffled Sophie and Terrance.

- Lance Parkin, 11th May 1995 (

> Your mission is to find the most interesting items (ie. the ones that > will score you the most amount of points) and bring them back for the > group to look at.

*112: The version of 'The Time Monster' that was supposed to be screened instead of the cast Christmas panto.

*158: 'Planet Of The Clangers', the missing story from Season 8, where the Doctor and the Master both try and persuade the soup dragon to give them the soup monopoly. 'And you...what would you do with my soup?' 'I would uth it for good, thoup dragon, for all the peopulth of the univerth.'

*2: The part of Eric Saward's brain where writing talent is generally found, removed at an early age and now resident in a test tube in Guy's Hospital.

*1116: A page from a David Macintee novel with no continuity references. (Ooh, there's the orange calling the non-orange thing orange)...

- Paul Cornell, 14th May 1995 (

I liked Peri, cos she's got a HUGE pair of norgs! They were so wobbly, and just made for fun, fun, fun!!!.

- Martin Forsyth, 14th May 1995 (

[On the subject of City Of Death]

In article (3p0d2h$ (David McKinnon) writes:

>Anyway, in summary, it's a good, fun romp that stands out in season 17 like >a deep-fried dolphin in a vegetarian restaurant. Good stuff!

- Dave McKinnon, ? May 1995 (

Andy Lane ( wrote:

: Is there a smiley for irony yet?


- Bart T Lammey, ? May 1995 (

(tell me if that's not your name! - ed)

[More on that scavenger hunt]

I found #48766, the complete Tigellan dice set. Aside from the Dodecahedron, the set includes: the Tetrahedron, so long sought after by Supros; the Cube, yearned after by Hypros; the Octahedron, over which Giglos lost its life; the Icosahedron, which lies with Omnos in his slumber; and the 1d10, which has gone largely ignored by the plant population of the universe except for a small kumquat in Little Rock which failed high school algebra.

- Ghoti, 18th May 1995 (

Now Janet Fielding, on the other hand.........(sloshy feral in-heat slavering sounds)...... ;)

That hair! Those legs! That tight leather miniskirt! O! Tegan! Let me hand you the ol' Rod of Rassilo, you pouty sex-Tractator o' luv!!!!

- Jeffrey Willia Vail, 18th May 1995 (address unknown)

[Someone dared mention cactuses....]

{deep, dramatic bass note held ... }


>From the depths of season 18, he comes for vengeance.

{... the chord begins to build, becoming stronger and more powerful ... }


No cardboard jungle can withstand his approach.

{... the music, now resonatingly loud, approaches a climax ... }


He is --

{... a crashing, booming, thunderous strike from the orchestra}


The Meglos Avenger!

"You petty fool! You seek to oppose ME, the Meglos Avenger?

I am stronger than any puny inflatable cactus!

I can see all the way through a chronic hysteresis, to the logical phallus at its bottom!

I can smite the acting of a Gaztak in one mighty blow!

And I can crush YOU with a big, flat rock!


- David "Meglos Avenger" McKinnon, 19th May 1995 (

[Scavenger hunt again...]

#79681 -- the drug Anthony Ainley took which made him SLAM the keys with such melodramatic force in "Logopolis"

- Jason A. Miller, 19th May 1995 (

Doctor wrote the following words of wisdom to rec.arts.drwho:

> Alright, IT der Hunns version not the Franks method. (Brit joke implicit)

Steve Traylen replied:

> Post of the Year.

Doctor then wrote the following words of wisdom to rec.arts.drwho:

> I meant to le Franks instead of the Franks. Can we change it for the > record?


Post of the month

(even after the change it makes us much sense as a hippo in a trifle)

Yours Dave McKinnonly

- Steve Traylen, 19th May 1995 (

[On the question of the Doctor's age]

The real answer here is quite obvious. One of the human traits The Doctor has picked up over his many years of traveling with human companions is lying about his age.

- Elsa Frohman, ? May 1995 (

[This just struck me as so funny I had to include it - ed]

I was bored at a convention, so I went over to a DWAS stall and joined. Now I feel really bad about it, like one does after a particularly degrading sexual experience. I read my free issue of Celestial Toyroom (I'd hardly call it 'complementary'), and it had this editorial about how the New Adventures had caused the cancellation of the society's own fictionzine and the destruction of the ozone layer, and complained that NA writers were sneaking around to DWAS exec members' houses and scaring their kids by putting their noses up to the window. And I'm going to get this through my letterbox, 12 times a year.

To make it worse, their president is Jon bloody Pertwee.

No, make that *my* president! In some small way, Pertwee is now *in charge of me!*

Did nobody even *ask* Lalla Ward if she wanted to do it? Wasn't Peter Jeffrey free? When was the election for this post, exactly?

The DWAS sent me, as part of my membership pack, a letter from Jon Pertwee. I swiftly wrote him a letter back,but fortunately my legal advisor tore it from my grasp and ran off down the street with it, shouting: 'you'll thank me later!'

Well, thank you Adrian, you were right as always.

I shall let you know more when I recieve my first proper issue of 'Celestial Toyroom'. In the meantime, if you'd like to start a campaign to make someone else, *anyone* else, president of the DWAS, please let me know.

Do you think James Bree would take it on?

- Paul Cornell, 24th May 1995 (

The latest quotes from the depth of hell, uh, make that rec.arts.drwho.


[This scavenger hunt has produced more quotes than anything else!]

You better like this, esteemed panel of judges, because I got good and muddy trying to get all this stuff. Not to mention alienating Willie the Groundskeeper over there. So huh.

#29 - Ozone layer of the planet Calufrax ("but where d'it go???")

#997 - feather boa of Mary Tamm, even smells like her

#10 - eighth-note from the incidental music of "The Sea Devils"

#6007 - suitcase full of autographed copies of "Human Nature" (they were good and curious at Canada Customs...)

#3 - chin of a cyberman

#906 - a mouse, when it spins

#4887 - "norgs" (whatever those mysterious objects might be :) )

- Carrie "Norgs" O'Grady, 20th May 1995 (


(Dave, you're just a straight line on legs, you know that?...)

- Jon Blum, 25th May 1995 (


[more from the realms of the scavenger hunt]

#87 Pip and Jane Bakers' scriptwriting imagination (viral form)

Now, go easy with it, take it nice and - oh no! Noooooo!

You fool, you've dropped it!

You malignant manhandler! You butterfingered buffoon!

You importune, impropitious imbecile!!

I feel this strange, inexplicable desire to kill everybody and

take over the Universe - everybody stand back...

- J.H. Toon (Cossack), 25th May 1995 (


[On the subject of Lis Sladen] (Jeremy Henderson) writes: >Ooooh, yes! She certainly made a little tent in my trousers, back when that >sort of thing was all new to me! What has she (Elisabeth Sladen??) done since? Built a little campfire in my jacket, and dug a little latrine in my shoes...

- David Owen, 26th May 1995 (


Christopher D. Heer ( wrote:

A big *ickaroo* on the Heer scale. :)

Uncle Halibut VIII ( replied:

A big *what*?

[And Percy said:]

The *ickaroo*s, notorious henchmen of the Terrible Zodin. Covered in hair, they hopped around like kangaroos...

- Peter Ware, 27th May 1995 (


What about Dan Blythe's new MA, cunning inspired by Uncle Halibut's attack of runningagitis? Here's the back blurb:

"It's too horrible to even consider - the whole universe being consumed by a giant tuber of Latinate origins!"

When the Fourth Doctor and Sarah get caught in a wormhole, they arrive at what looks to be 20th century Bolivia, but something is not quite right. Why are the locals so scared to dig up their vegetable crop? What strange and terrifying events go on in the old abandoned seed factory? And who is the mysterious General Oihcatscuom Evissam and his secret weapon "Il artichoko del Bolivia"?

As the Doctor investigates, he finds himself up against one of his oldest enemies, and a plan that is as terrifying as it is silly!

It's provisionally titled ARTICHOKE!! (following the tradition of JAWS etc) and is allegedly semi-autobiographical

- Robert "Luci" Ulrich, 27th May 1995 (


[More scavengers reveal the fruits of their hunt!]

I hope I'm not too late, but the navigational controls of my TARDIS left something to be desired. For the scavenger hunt, I've found the following items of interest.

# 86.3: Mike Yates's horribly inept barber, whose name is being withheld to protect the guilty.

#1996: A copy of Sir Charles Grover's book LAST CHANCE FOR MAN, from the personal library of Al Gore.

#XXX: A pornographic videodisk of Zoe and Tanya Lernov labelled "For Leo With Love"

18 and a half: Sergeant Benton's kid sister, still waiting patiently for him outside the Chinese takeaway after almost 20 years.

#classified: Harry Sullivan's IQ test results, which place him at mega-genius level. (Apparently, he ran into Dastari and was augmented.)

#1979/83/84: Rejected designs for: Meglos (a vase of roses), the Ergon (the San Diego Chicken), and the Myrka (a pantomome Princess Mrgaret borrowed from Monty Python)

# 73a: A fan letter from little Pauly Cornell (aged 6) to Jon bloody Pertwee:

Dear Mr Pertwee, Doctor Who is my favourite television programme. When I grow up, I want to wear frilly shirts and a cape, hang out with soldiers, and fight monsters like you do. I must go now. That new Tomorrow People programme is about to start on ITV. Long ago in an English bedroom... Your friend, Paul C. Whilst travelling top Gallifrey, I found the following uncategorized items.

A: The Mustache of Rassilon

B: The Hawaiian Shirt of Rassilon

C: An ancient supply of toilet paper--the REAL Black Scrolls of Rassilon.

D: The Doctor's real name: Ohowhojonsmithetasigma (or Bruce)

E: And a copy of THE RENEGADE, the underground literary magazine of Prydon Academy's Class of '92, edited by Drax, which contains the following items of interest:

1.) An article on how to use hypnosis to pick up yung Time Ladies: "Stare deeply into her eyes and say the following: 'I am (insert name here), and you will obey me.'"

2.) A page three spread on the Rani

3.) A name the Type 40 TT Capsule contest

4.) And the following piece of poetry from Theta Sigma:

"I cross the void beyond the mind/The empty space which circles time/I see where others stumble blind/To seek a truth they'll never find/Eternal wisdom is my guide/I am the Doctor."

NOW we know why the Doctor really fled Gallifrey--to avoid criticism of his poetry.

I hope this is of interest.

- Donald Gillikin, 27th May 1995 (


D R Blythe ( writes: >And when we start looking at alien races who are 'hermaphrodite >hexapods', the whole issue is suddenly in need of re-assessment >and a whole load of new jargon. We don't know enough to speculate >about the sexual orientation of Martians (Ice Warriors), for >example. Ssorg might be female, for all we know... "Cor, look at Ssorg's norgs!!!"

- Peter "Eloquent" Ware, 28th May 1995 (


Hello All.

I have a little story to tell you, so are you sitting comfortably?

When I was in town yesterday a religious loony came up to me and said:

"Have you a hole in your life where God should be?"

And I replied:

"I have every episode of DrWho made between 1970 and 1974, and my life is complete"

And he looked a bit bemused and walked off.


P.S. I was considering running after him and shouting:

"Have you not seen the episode where he sings the Venusian Lullaby? And did not the Heavens open, and was not much Joy and Happiness bestowed on you?

And, could I interested you in joining our local DrWho group, my son?"

But I didn't.

- Jon Massey, 30th May 1995 (


___________ The point of / _____ \ David's analogy | / . . \ | ---->---->---->---->---->---->--/ | ^ | \-->---->---->---->----> | \_/ | Jill \_____/ - Jon Blum, 30th May 1995 (


[A short review of John Peel's Missing Adventure, Evolution]


- Jason A. Miller, 31st May 1995 (


"Of course, if you had a quote file, you could look it up in the quote file under quote file" ...

- Jason A. Miller, 31st May 1995 (


That's what's weird about r.a.dw. I used to get mail from this group, addressed to "Mr. Miller" -- when I was all of 19 years old. Of course, I'm sixty-one now and the "Mr. Miller" label has passed on to my first granchild, but a lot of people seem to think that I'm younger than I really am.

- Jason A. Miller, 31st May 1995 (


What about William Hartnell as Davros, then?

" To hold that, ummm, that power, errr, the Gods would be set up! Yes! Yes, would I do it? Between my fingers, my dear boy, hmmmm? Between my fingers..." Bill's voice fades out slowly as he mutters something to himself.

Good, don't you think?

- Mark Iles, 2 June 1995 (


*low, tension-building music begins*

*voice of James Earl Jones*

:From the dawn of Usenet he came... keeping watch over the wild frontiers of rec.arts.drwho... unleashing deadly blasts of silliness and sarcasm against those who wish to turn r.a.dw into an uncontrolled political free-for-all.

With his loyal sidekicks Merle and Jim Bob he fights for relevance (or at least readability), and delivers thwacks upside the head to self-pitying conservatives with persecution complexes...

*music swells dramatically*

Faster than a speeding insult... more interesting than a thread on Satanic gay Wiccan Jews... impervious to charges of having it both ways... IT'S...

*sudden dramatic crescendo*


*A vaguely Quentin Tarantinoish figure, wearing pink stripey tights borrowed from David McKinnon's Meglos Avenger, flies in and strikes a manly pose*

*kazoo fanfare*

Jill Avenger: My strength is as the strength of ten, because my heart is silly!

(Uh, Merle, what do we get to do in this story?)

(Pretty much the same thing as last time, Jim Bob -- stand around, make him look good, and ask him bunches of questions so he can explain everything.)

(Oh, so it's just like bein' a Doctor Who companion again?)

(Yep. 'Cept this time we don't need to wear them mini-skirts.)

(I dunno, Merle, these tights ain't much better...)

Jill Avenger: Now then, my good woman, what seems to be the problem?...

(hey, it was either this, or doing a Power Rangers parody with Jill as Rita Repulsa...)

- Jon Blum, 2nd June 1995 (

[NEW] (Jason A. Miller) writes: > As official legal counsel for the G**rd**ns *f G*ll*fr*y, > I must inform you that Mr. H*rt has full jurisdiction over the use > of both CAPITAL and lowercase letters. > Please refrain from using letters in your posts. ??????!





______________________________________________________________________________ +0~ +)*$2(0~$(1 |$| "+#3 ^3~ ]0(@+10^ &03$^'+ #3]= ~*(#, $1). ^0~ 82% +@+2@/@9*@).*0[$.3&* |(| 0[ +#3 =30=]3 ~0)(1^9 0^ +#3 =)0/3(+ $@\ +#@+ 1[ ~3 |(| #@& @ ~0@+, +#3\'& ~@^+ +0 $33 \0* +#)0~^ 1^ 1+." ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

- Tom Truszkowski, 3rd June 1995 (


[proposed new newsgroups...]




r.a.dw.continuity.problems.incarnation.number (for the early eps!)


........ (another for Yads!)

Oh, and probably

alt.dw.whose.norgs !!!!!

- Scott Morris (The Watcher), 3rd June 1995 (


[On the subject of our friendly neighborhood Dave]

You're as likely to get through to him if you burble mindlessly at him whilst tossing geraniums standing on a garden gnome.

- Chris "that's *you* standing on the gnome, not the flowers" Heer, ? June 1995 (


Jonathan Blum ( wrote: : Bravo for you! You know, if everyone in this newsgroup who's bent to some : degree or another simultaneously came out, do you think we could give Dave : a fatal heart attack?... :-)

Bent to some degree? I've often thought of measuring it, but it's difficult to hold the protractor.

- Dan Blythe, 5th June 1995 (


Misael Fernandez wrote: >Am I the only one who thought Mary Tamm as Romana I was hot? Sure, Ace >is great too, but Romana I was pretty, smart, had a great bod and some >real attitude when she wanted to.

And an uncanny ability to mimic a really fine maple.

- Chris D. Heer, 6th June 1995 (


Maybe you have finally silenced Ms. "Mouth on a Mission" Deel for good.

- Brigitte Darcel, 7th June 1995 (

[NEW] (Nan) wrote: > I have just finished Hyman Nature and must say that I enjoyed it a great > deal. ^^^^^^^^^^^^

I think you misspelled it, Nan.

It's Hymen Nature - Paul Cornell's exciting New Adventure about Benny's angst-filled trip to the gynecologist.

- Tre Hellman, 7th June 1995 (


A long long long time ago. I can still remember..... How the Doctor used to make me smile. And I knew if I had my chance, then I could write for Fancy-pants Or Scarecrow, in the MA's for a while... But Virgin Books, they made me shiver With each new book that they delivered I clenched my hands in tight fists They'd stolen all my plot twists! I couldn't help but scream and shout When Craig's Bucephalus came out It sent my story up the spout The day my Who book died... (chorus) So bye, bye manuscript in the sky Wrote an NA but it came back now my eyes are not dry. The rejection came and it did make me cry Oh man this'll be the day that I die This'll be the day that I die ("Do you send the Doc through hell, and do you have faith in Paul Cornell, if the Guidelines tell you so...") Aww, do you think McCoy fits the role, and can Ace and Benny make him whole, and can you teach me how to plot real slow? Oh I know that Ace is leaving now, so I'll write for Chris and Roz somehow I've gotten rid of the blues. . . man I dig companions in two-ooos! I was a hopeful brand new novelist, with a big desire to make a great plot twist But I knew I hadn't got the gist The day my Who book died. *chorus* Now for six years we've been on our own, our writing skills we've tried to hone but that's not how it used to be When show ended with a mighty fall, Virgin ran out and grabbed the ball with a voice that came from you and me. . . Oh and while I wondered what to do, Kate, Paul and Andy already knew My trade was not yet learned, myyy manuscript was returned! And so I read a book I marked (written, it seems, by Jean-Marc) And I sang dirges in the dark the day my Who book died. *chorus* Writing, typing, always now I'm trying the returned packs I've taken to hiding Six feet deep and falling fast. . . they land in my heart with a thud! I try again but my brain's like mud, and I sit there, staring blankly, chewing cud. . . Now the air became some sweet perfume! I hummed a happy writing tune! I almost tried to prance, oh but I never got the chance 'Cause I tried to think what would appeal But my poor brain refused to yield My lack of self-worth was revealed the day my Who book died. *chorus* So here we all in one place, new writers joined in time and space And now we need to start again So come on, let's be nimble, let's be quick Let's make up a really great plot trick 'Cause co-writers are the writer's only friend And as I stared at the same blank page My hands were clenched in fists of rage Forget this nagging talk; it can't break writers' block! And as the flames climbed high into the night from the manuscript I had to light I saw Segonax laughing with delight the day my Who book died. *chorus* I read some posts that were Jon Blum's and I asked him for some happy news but he just smiled and turned away. I went down to the sacred store where I'd bought the NAs weeks before But the man there said all they had was Tragedy Day. . . And in the streets the I yelled and screamed I cried and cried; where was my dream? But not a word was spoken. . . the cloister bell was broken! And the three that I admired most, the writers that decide to post They taught me not to give up and coast The day My Who book Died. *chorus (2x)* - Jon Blum, Steve Traylen and Jason Miller, but mostly Chris D. Heer, 9th June 1995


This from a search on 'cornell' at

Listening to Nature : How to Deepen Your Awareness of Nature. Cornell, Joseph//Hendrickson, John (Photographer). 02/95, PAP. $12.95.

Mandala : Luminous Symbols for Healing. Cornell, Judith. 03/95, PAP. $24.95.

Microemulsions and Emulsions in Foods (Acs Symposoum Series, 448). Cornell, Donald G./El-Nokaly, Magda (Editors). 01/91, TXT. $54.95.

New Adventures of Doctor Who : The Pit. Cornell, Paul. 10/92, PAP. $5.95.

- David A. James, 12th June 1995 (


Frocks? Guns? Is this some bizarre Quentin Tarrantino drag experience that I'm missing out on?

I do hope not, it sounds marvellous ;)

- Matthew Jones, 12th June 1995 (


Nan ( wrote: >My New Top 5 New Adventures are : > >1) Left-handed Hummingbird >2) Set Piece >3) Human Nature >4) Revelation

Eat my dust, Cornell.

- Kate Orman, 14th June 1995 (


[If I had a TARDIS....]

In (Ruth Cross) writes:

> I'd go back and watch the dinosaurs walking around.

Ah yes, the very first DWAS convention.

- Peter Anghelides, 15th June 1995 (


[Someone uses the credits at the beginning as an excuse for keeping DW out of US hands...]

Oh yes, the placement of the credits has been the most distinctive thing about DOCTOR WHO. It's why we've been watching the show all these years. It's even been rumored that *they* might change the lead actor who plays the Doctor. How dare *they*! The BBC would never do a thing like that.

(For more ragweed, deposit two quarters.)

- The Lofficiers (Ragweed Avengers), 15th June 1995 (


[Top ten rumours to drive the Lofficiers mad]

10, David Hasselof to play the Doctor (in German). 9. Daleks to be voiced by Charlie Fleischer (Roger Rabbit). 8. Theme song to be recorded by Lawrence Welk with all accordian band. 7. Eric Idle to play K9. 6. Casper the friendly ghost to be companion. 5. Yads to write pilot script. 4. Eric Idle to play the Myrka. 3. Drew Barrymore to play Susan (woof! woof!) 2. TARDIS' food dispenser to serve Big Macs. and 1. Eric Idle to play the DOCTOR.

- The Lofficiers, 16th June 1995 (


You're just angry because my toenails look nicer.

- Andrew McCaffrey in response to Jill, 16th June 1995 (


Elsa Frohman ( wrote: : We Americans simply put our brains in pause mode, go out to the kitchen, : get a snake,

Have you tried Kraft's "Boa in a Can"? Yum, yum! :)

- The Lofficiers, 17th June 1995 (

[NEW] (mstrb8) says: >I need a complete listing of everything that's >available on Video.

EVERYTHING? Instructional films in Japanese? Old Kinescopes of live soap operas? Phil Donahue re-runs?

Good God, man! Nobody could compile a list like that! And besides, it's off-topic! Why don't you settle for a listing of all the Doctor Who material that's available on video?

- Jonathan Andrew Sheen, 17th June 1995 (

[NEW] (Jonathan Blum) writes... >Wondering what the lovechild of BF Deel and CAPITAL LETTER MAN would >sound like,



-CAPTIAL LETTER MAN, 18th June 1995 (


In The Admiral ( called:

:Calling the Meglos Avenger. Gotham needs you!

*kazoo fanfare*

*Quentin Tarantino in pink stripey tights bursts onto the scene and poses dramatically*

*long pause*

"Whoops. Sorry... wrong number."

*The Jill Avenger strikes one more dramatic pose, then stalks off until the city again needs him*

(wondering where my sidekick Shannon the Androgynous Wonder has gotten to)

- Jon "Jill Avenger" Blum, 18th June 1995 (


But the sexiest Companion ever is Death, as she accompanies the Doctor every where he goes, from the very start. She is obviously very loyal, which I find a nice quality.

- Kurt William Buchheit, ? June 1995 (

[NEW] (Brian Leggett) writes: > I pulled up behind a car at a light and a friend with me > said " What's a TARDIS?" > The car in front of me had this bumper stiker! It was > silver and had a blue TARDIS on it! WOW! > Well, I calmed down and here I am. I feel less lonely now.

Oh yes we are everywhere.

At the grocery store check - we're the ones who go into the "8 items or less" line with 12 items.

At the malls - we're the ones who get off the escalators and remain standing in front of them. (Also with elevators)

At the airports - we're the ones who wear our lead lined undies when we go through the airport security check points.

One the freeways - we're the ones who keep one turn signal on for over 50 miles.

In the books stores - we're the ones who come in and read the entire book in the store, usually sitting in the middle of the aisle.

At the post offices - we're the ones who get in line with 20 packages for overseas destinations, and not enough cash to cover the cost of them all.

In restaurants - we're the ones who ask to get moved to another table, demand a completely new set of silverware and then just order coffee.

Yes, we are everywhere, we know everything, we control everyone - we are the Whovians!


Man, do I need a cup of coffee.

- Siobahn (Shabang) Morgan, 19th June 1995 (


Subject: Dame Vera Lynn NOT Dr. Who!

Just doing my bit to help quosh those on-going rumours.

Back to the flame-wars.

Love Rich

- Richard Atkinson, 20th June 1995 (


[More new newsgroups!]




r.a.dw.inexplicable.things (for Yads)



- Edan Harel, 20th June 1995 (


Graeme Burk said:

:Kate Orman does prose better than no other NA author

I supposed you could call that a left-handed compliment.

(thankyouverymuch, I'm here all week, try the buffet)

- Chris D. Heer, 21st June 1995 (


[On the subject of characters who should have joined the TARDIS crew]

Someone (I know not who) suggested:

: And Adric's brother instead of Adric

A decider instead of Adric

A Marshman instead of Adric

A spider thingy instead of Adric

A swamp tree instead of Adric (less wooden)

The incidental music instead of Adric

The spaceship instead of Adric

Christopher Bidmead instead of Adric

Peter Grimwade instead of Adric

Peter Howell instead of Adric

The lighting director instead of Adric

John Nathan Turner instead of Adric

- wait a minute - that's just going too far ...

Perhaps old Adders wasn't so bad after all :-}

- Robert Smith, 22nd June 1995 (


Paul Ian Harman (Ozzy) wrote: >Do we have any "alternative" names for the following Time Lords, and if so, >what are they? >The Rani

There's been two. . . Rani Corbett and Rani Barker. . .

- Chris D. Heer 22nd June 1995 (


Why was there never a mention of the Grey Guardian, supreme power for not particularly clear cut moral issues in the universe?

- ?, 22nd June 1995 (


[In response to a question about a possible Dapol Emporer Dalek figure]

Hmm ... well, I know there's a version of the Davros figure from "Remembrance" that was planned by Dapol, but because of an impending lawsuit from Ban Corporation, they had to abandon that product line.

Then, of course, three months later, Ban released the Roll-On Dalek, and alien species everywhere feared for their armpits.

- David "Personal Hygiene" McKinnon, 23rd June 1995 (

[NEW] (Eric-Etienne Leroy-Marchand) writes: : I am pretty sure there is a Collin Backer episode in Spain: the Two : Doctors...

From the darkest depths of space he comes, his voice piercing the fabric of the Universe from the very dawn of time. It's a Kronovore, it's a Concorde, it's...

(a fellow clad in motley tights, with a bright blue and white polka dotted tie and multi-coloured cat waistcoat lands precariously on a weak ankle)


"Now listen, I say listen, here, son. I know your intentions are good, but you're never going to develop an ounce of reputation in this, I say this, newsgroup unless you can learn how to spell the One True Doctor's [TM] name even as accurately as the Great Satin of Alberta, David Yadallee."

Our hero hands the dumbfounded Eric-Etienne Leroy-Marchand a copy of "The Sixth Doctor Handbook" and leaps into the air, en route to his next exciting adventure battling the forces of ragweed and Tom Baker fanboyism...

- Mike "The Admiral" Zecca, 24th June 1995 (


Peri .........jugs...baps...funbags...norgs.....cherry bakewells... red tipped milkers......nips that could(and have) poked my eyes out...tits!!!!!!!

btw I bet her beaver isnt bad.

- Martin "Him again" Forsyth, 25th June 1995 (


A Prince of A Guy ( wrote: >Well with summer recently arrived, it's time for the seasonal game of >Mornington Cresent. I am pleased to have the honor of making the first >move in the game and so therefore, I choose: > >MEGLOS


Hell, am I good at this, or what?

- Kate Orman, 26th June 1995 (

[with slight spelling correction in the interests of humour (-:]


[Upon seeing a posting with the subject line "Regarding Jill"]

I must admit something...

When I saw this topic thread's latest name, my first thought was that I was going to read a post that went something like this.

=== Yes! It's that fabulous new movie... REGARDING JILL!

Jill Deel is a scourge of rec.arts.drwho, known for her incredible off-topic postings and failure to keep a firm grip on reality as she kill-files those who disagree with her, selectively snips posts to twist posts, and all-in-all has so many people hating her guts that entire threads revolve around her! (Except Jason who loves her.) Then, while out late one night getting Power Ranger tickets, Jill is clocked in the head with the "Trial of a Time Lord" video tape collection and falls into a deep coma for two weeks. When she awakens, all her memory is gone!

WATCH!... as Jill tries to learn how to use the Usenet posting program again!

GASP! Jill reads her old posts and doesn't like them!

SCREAM! Jill sends flowers to everyone she's killfiled!

CRY! Jill decides to devote her life to small fuzzy animals!

It's... REGARDING JILL! Starring Harrison Ford's sister, Bridge Ford! Coming soon to a theatre near you!


But this thread is nothing like it. I'm so disappointed. *pout*

- Greg "Drizzan" McElhatton, 26th June 1995 (


[Discussing who will be in Paul Cornell's Happy Endings]

Catering by the Swedish chef from the Muppet Show!!

"And ve put de gateau in de TARDIS, bork bork bork!!!"

- J.H.Toon (Cossack), 26th June 1995 (

[To which is added:]

'Cake! Cake!'

'No, Animal, no!'

'Oh Kermie my love, does not this occasion start your little green mind thinking about us?'

'Er, yes, Miss Piggy. It makes me think that I never want to go through this. Ulp.'

'Ah, vun, vun gratuitous reference to a previous NA...Two, two-'

'Hiya hiya hiya! What's Adrian Rigelsford's favourite place in the universe? The Land Of Fiction!'


- Paul Cornell, 26th June 1995 (


I am Joson and I am mad, They clean me with a Brillo pad. I really really luv Jill Deel, I hope she avoids that banana peel. Blum is Miller the bug of man, SHut up, tin can. I only want to see our name, Become one with quote-file fame.

[Anything to oblige, Andy (-: - ed]

- Andrew McCaffrey, 26th June 1995 (

In <3su481$>, Absolute Nutter writes: > > AND how come Ace suddenly likes/accepts Perri Vale Ah, the little known sister of Vicky.

- Peter Anghelides, 29th June 1995 (

>Well, I've had a question about Survival for a long time, too, but I'm >afraid it's just silly. Um... in fact, it's pretty crukking rude. :-) I >just wonder... wouldn't it sort of hurt a man to leap onto a motorcycle as >hard as the Doctor did near the end there? *ahem* Sorry... ;-) > Naah.

Syl's pet ferret took the brunt of the blow.

- David Versace, 29th June 1995 (

[on the Doctor revursively leaving notes for himself]

If stuff like this makes perfect sense to Bill and Ted, how hard can it be for people like us?

- Jonathan Blum, 29th June 1995 (

: Of course the l'Officiers would say that; they're acting as unpaid : shills for Segal. The l'Officiers don't know what every production : company in the world is thinking. How could they possibly know whether : or not another company might come along and purchase the rights to Doctor : Who if it weren't for Fox? First, you have no idea what financial arrangements exist between ourselves and Mr. Segal. Second, we take strong objection to the word "shill". After all, we haven't called you a "ragweed infested, weasel-faced, pisspoor git."

- Randy and Jean-Marc Lofficier, 28th June 1995 (

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