The rec.arts.drwho Quote File - Aug/Sep/Oct 2001

Courtesy of Robert J. Smith

Submissions and comments should be sent to Robert Smith)

Quotes from rec.arts.drwho
Covering August, September and October, natch.
Compiled by Chris Rednour

The August-September-October Quotefile.

"Of course, if you had a quote file, you could look it up in the quote
file under quote file" ...

- Jason A. Miller 31st May 1995

Welcome everyone to the latest Quote File. The Quote File is basically all
the smartest, wittiest most entertaining stuff collected off
rec.arts.drwho (though other Doctor Who newsgroups are also eligible if
you want to send something in) filtered by trained primates and presented
back to you in a sort of instant nostalgia recycling exercise curiously
reminiscent of Readers Digest only more enlightening and actually funny.

Essentially, it is the funniest quotes to appear in the newsgroup as
nominated by you. To that end, if you see a quote you think deserves an
entry in the Quote File, just mail Robert at

or the ever-handy

and include the attributions and the quote in full.

Please don't be shy about nominating stuff directly to Robert via e-mail.
Saying 'quotefile!' in the newsgroup may just be a way to express how
funny you think a post is, but it's also highly likely that, due to the
sheer traffic of stuff round here, it won't find its due receptacle. Even
if you only think it's mildly funny, or if you think that nobody else
might get the joke, Robert would much rather have too much to choose from
than too little.

I've tried my best to get the dates and attributions right, but a few will
probably have wandered about of their own accord, so please don't get too
upset and be sure to mail Robert with any corrections for the web page.

Disclaimer: The copyright of all material contained herein remains with
the original poster. No attempt is made to supercede any copyright and the
Quote File maintains its impartiality under Fair Use for purposes of
Comment or Review.

The quotefile is updated monthly (usually midmonth, although it varies
depending on  schedules) and past and present quotefiles can be found at:

On with the quotes!


Chastity Crabtree wrote:
>Well, I've been interested in Doctor Who for some time; I've read the more
>recent novels and seen the telemovie and followed the radio broadcasts.
>But last night, I watched The Ark in Space for the first time. And now, I
>crave bubblewrap with which to terrorize my mom.
>Anyway, just wanted to delurk and say hi, before sitting on the bench

Hello, Chastity. Welcome to Hell. :-)

The Count ( 30/07/01


Daniel Gooley wrote:

> It does, however, open up what can only be described as a new
> direction for the character, dunnit?

[ *snip* ]

> Cyber Leader:  Promises to aliens have no validity.  Kill them.
> Doctor:  Do y' worst, y' hopeless bugger!  Take that, y' silver poof!
> Cyberman 1: Oof!  Incapacitated!  I have been kicked in the nads!
> Cyberman 2: Oof!  Incapacitated!  I have been kicked in the nads!
> Cyberman 3: Oof!  Incapacitated!  I have been kicked in the nads!
> Cyber Leader: Oof!  Incapacitated!  I have been kicked in the nads!
> Doctor:  And now for the coop de grass.  Companion!  Hand me the
> gold-studded football boots.

Or, alternatively:

Cyber Leader: We don't *have* nads, you blithering idiots!  We got
              rid of them in the second-to-last upgrade, remember?

Cyberman 1: Er, sorry sir.  Force of habit, you know.

Cyberman 3: [quietly] I miss my nads...

William December Starr (> 26/7/01


Auntie Krizu wrote
>> Can I win it if I only state that Optimus Prime is god?:D And I'm being
>> totally honest here. I had a mad crush on him as a kid. Every time a
>> red-grey truck went past I did a double take and wibbled...

Chris Parrott wrote:
> I used to get that when ever  saw the clip of Terror of the Autons when
> chair "eats" that guy....

You had the hots... for a plastic chair that eats people?!

Andrew McCaffrey (> 15 Oct 2001


The Doctor wrote:
>>Forgot to say IS JNT a BBC Fall Boy?

Steve Day wrote:
>You Weirdo.

Day is night when your name is Steve.

The Doctor (> 15/1001


Auntie Krizu wrote:
>> I'll give you no points for "neutronivirran polariteetin kääntäminen
>> vastakkaiseksi" though;)

gordon wrote:
> Well, "neutronivirran" is obviously something "atomic", and the second
> part, "virran" can only mean "van". "Polar" may refer to a location, or a
> weather type, or possibly bears, I'l go with the weather, meaning "cold"
> "icy", whereas "teetin" sounds a bit like "tits", so i'll translate it as
> "breasts". "kääntäminen" could be "can't" and "mine", but we'll fiddle
> about, so it's "can't be mine". "vast" is something big, and "kaiseksi" is
> maybe "case" or "casket"?
>Which gives us...
>Atomic van, cold breasts, can't be mine, big casket.

Liz Shaw: Well, Doctor, I'll take your word for it.  But next time you're
translating Finnish can you do it without the hand actions?

The Stainless Steel Cat (steelcat@mac.comtrousers> 18/10/01


Peter Anghelides wrote:

> Slap on the cuffs, officer, I'll come quietly.

It excites him, you see.  :-)

Finn Clark (> 25/10/01


Luke Curtis wrote:
> > well Henri Vizi *is* a fucking moron!!!!!!!!!

Kelly Kuniskas wrote:
> Whatever you may think of him, he seems to know a lot more about DW than
> you do, and has better taste, and has more respect for it too.

Funny, he always struck me as an evil, fascist, pseudo-nazi fuckwit. Still,
it takes all sorts...(As the dr should have said to the Kandyman)

Alan McWhan (> 3/08/01


RuthKub wrote:
>Ok, I think there are a _few_ people here who are just a _bit_

That's a stiff claim; could you make it stand up in court?  If it's
just an assumption, then it's a big one.

The Stainless Steel Cat (steelcat@mac.comtrousers> 05//0801


Zygon Curry wrote:
>> So who knows Ian Levines home phone number? :)

Cameron Mason wrote:
>I'm currently digging a tunnel through to his secret basement...:-()

Let us know what Doctor Who episodes you find in there but if you find
anything else.... we DEFINITELY don't want to know.

Chris Cwej (> 05/08/01


Fett wrote:

> Ghostlight is pretty good ...
> but it can't compare to most Pertwee stories.

And here I'd disagree.  It's a blatant rip-off of "The Daemons".  (An
alien scientist has been sleeping in a buried spacship, but once
awakened he threatens to wipe out all life on Earth because his
experiment has been a failure; however his race are so unimaginative
that their bodies literally explode when they get confused.)

And both stories are inexplicably praised by fans of their era as being
classics, while the rest of us simply can't see what the fuss is about.
However, special mention must go to Ghostlight for the way it takes
dull, unwatchable story from a dull, unwatchable era, sheds two episodes
of padding, and still manages to be even duller and less watchable than
the original.

Proof that the McCoy era *must* be crap.  It's the only era to be even
worse than Pertwee's, and that's saying something!

SolarPenguin (> 05/08/01


> Gareth Thomas wrote:
>>I notice that Keith Brookes has hit puberty.

The Doctor wrote:
> He did so 4 years ago.

This sounds so incredibly wrong, that I don't even know how to express how
wrong it sounds.

Andrew McCaffrey (> 08/06/01


gordon wrote:
>Honestly, who the fuck CARES?!?!?!
>gordon- "Bollocks to it..."

second try at his, I e--mailed the first to myslef...

Soory, I  apologise, I have had a shite day and im pissed,,

I shouldnt tell you what to talk about, sorry,

carry on...

gordon (> 06/08/01


Unkempt wrote:
>'Fenric' was quite a bit better, but the ending is appalling.
>'Haha, Fenric! I'm better at chess than you, because I cheat!'

And if that's not the best summation I've seen of Chaotic Good generally
whupping the backside of Lawful Evil, I don't know what is.  :-)

Jonathan Blum (> 09/08/01


Anyone on this group who has also visited will
know that I am a victim of that horrific disease known as
"compulsive filk composing". The following just kinda popped into
my head while rereading the DWM article about how not to write a
BBC Book. Parts of it are based loosely on my own unpublishable

Doctor Who Writer

Dear Mr Richards, will you read my book
It took me weeks to write, will you take a look
Based on a fan theory I've had for years
And I need a job
So I want to be a Doctor Who writer
Doctor Who writer

Its a UNIT story set just after "Trial"
But the Doctor won't meet Mel for a while
The High Council are plotting again
That's the kind of thing
That made me want to be a Doctor Who writer
Doctor Who writer

I can cut the cameo of Sam and Fitz
Focus on the team of K9 and Glitz
If the Sixth Doctor's already in your plans
I can use the Fourth
And I want to be a Doctor Who writer
Doctor Who writer

If you really hate it then you must be strange
It will revolutionise your entire range
If you can't use it, don't send it back to me
But to Big Finish
'Cos I want to be a Doctor Who writer
Doctor Who writer

Daibhid Chiennedelh (daibhidchenedelh@aol.comedy>  05/08/01


The Doctor wrote:
> >> Trudgeon: Police bat.

Chad wrote:
> >  Usually known in America as a "night stick".

SolarPenguin wrote:
> Usually known in Britain as a truncheon.

Usually known in LA as a trouble.

Fett (> 09/08/01


Fett wrote:
> Who could go for a burger right now? Am I
> the only one? I KNOW I'm not the only one!!!!

I too find burgers strangely arousing.

Finn Clark (> 10/08/01


[Regarding Peter Davison stopping a theif]

Chris Parrott wrote:
>Imagine his embarrasment in the crime circle. He he he. "That guy was
>defeated by Dr Who.!"

"Did you hear Godfather? Junior was arrested. Caught nicking some
stuff from a flash car!

"Then we must have revenge on the person responsible. Who caught


"Who caught him?!?"

"Doctor Who. Doctor Who caught him."

"Then kill him. Just make sure you have fourteen bullets."

"But the Timelord has only 13 lives, Godfather."

"One spare just in case. Even I watched The Curse of Fatal Death..."

Who Goes There? (> 10/10/01


Fett wrote:
>>> They talk about how Aggedor is
>>> their royal beast and how they've hunted them?

DBurns wrote:
>> Yes, it is such good sport.

>Oh, you've hunted them?

Not just hunted them. The taxidermist had a heart attack when he saw what I
brought for him to stuff as a trophy

DBurns6554 (> 11/08/01


SGB wrote:

>For some reason, this has been popping into my head for the last week as
>being a touch on the bizarre side.
>Last week on Eastenders (UK), one of the characters - Zoe Slater - made a
>Doctor Who reference.  Nothing blindingly original.  When asked about the
>amount of people living in her house, she replied that it "ain't a bleedin'
>TARDIS y'know."
>Now fair enough.  There have been countless references to Doctor Who in
>Eastenders over the years.  Rod was often seen sporting a Dr Who and the
>Daleks T Shirt, a lifesize cardboard cut out of a Tomb Cyberman stood in
>video shop window for months, Leela ran the Italian restaurant for a while
>and the Rani was mugged by Mandy outside the Queen Vic a few years back.
>What struck me as being odd, was the fact that this time, the character
>making the reference was 18 years old.  That means, TV movie apart, she was
>6 years old (approx) when Doctor Who finished.  One of the older characters
>in EE making such a remark wouldn't really stand out, but, unless one of
>Slater family is a Who fan, it seemed odd that Zoe should use the
>In a way, I suppose it could be taken to show that the BBC Drama Dept are
>still happy for Doctor Who to remain in the audience psyche, and are using
>young, supposedly trendy, characters to influence that.
>On the other, more realistic, hand - it was probably just a throwaway line
>that seemed appropriate at the time.

Bloody hell, I thought that as well. 'She's too young to know what a
TARDIS is!'. And somehow they don't really look like fans. But then I
forgot about it.

How realistic is your other hand?

Unkempt (> 14/08/01

Benjamin F. Elliot wrote:
> Dave Roy wrote:
> > I've never gotten to be John Long. (snif)
> I played him on TV once.

I mentioned him once, but I think I got away with it.

Jim Vowles" (> 15/08/01


"Roger Curtis" wrote:
> Help!
> My son would like to go out this Hallowe'en as a dalek.  Does anyone have
> any ideas for designs or plans?

Dalek designs and plans never made sense to me.
I mean, hollowing out thecore of the Earth and using
it as a mobile base. Where's the sense in that?

Peter Morris (> 15/08/01


Keith Brookes wrote:
>I was just reading Anthology, and Ringo says his name isn't actually
>'Starkey', it's 'Parkin'.  Any relation, Lance? :-P

Ironically, Lance Parkin is a pseudonym as well. The writer's real name is
Lennon. :-)

Shearrob (> 16/08/01


[Regarding Patrick Troughton in Omen II]

Kelly Kuniskas wrote:
>The Doctor wrote:
>> Has anyone caght the full version?  I know this is the one where Damien
>> is the child of the U.S Ambassador to the UK AND that Throughton plays
>> a priest that I believe is slain by a flagpost.
>> Details please.
>His character was killed off in original Omen, so he doesn't appear in
>The Omen II..
Then shouldn't Jon Pertwee have played the priest in Omen II?

The Monsignor (> 12/08/01


Simon Watkins wrote:
> Does Stephen Fry (DCtT) count ?

No, and from what I've heard he has difficulty reading and writing too.
That oh-so-intelligent persona is just an act.

David Brider (> 26/07/01

[Regarding favourite Doctor Who things]

Daniel Gooley wrote:
>Ben Varkentine wrote:
>> Dubbing Dan "tickle me" Gooley.
>Yes, tickled my fancy as well.

Danny!  Right here in front of everyone?

Ben Varkentine (> 18/08/01


Ben Varkentine wrote
> It's purely coincidental happenstance, Danny, I assure you.  Actually my
> occasional visits are usually sparked by DW creeping across my
> conciousness for some reason or other, which it doesn't do that much
> any more these days. In this case, deciding to watch "Remembrance"
> and coming over all nostalgic

Think yourself lucky, when most fans watch it, they come over the sofa.

Ed Stradling" (> 21/08/01


[regarding Joxer's .sig]

"Joxer" wrote
> --
> Colin B.
> Grrr.  Arrgh.

Er, is that actually your name, or is it a particularly unmemorable quote by

J.E.L. (> 22/08/01


adriantullberg wrote:
>What was the effective range of his Matter Condenser/TCE?
>Was there a default height it's targets were shrunk to, or a certain
>percentage of their volume?

The size of the Action Man figures the production team could buy.

Jonathan Blum (> 23/08/01


Auntie Krizu wrote:
>Bokman7757 wrote:
>>Cardinal Zorak wrote
>>>Not so.  The stress of always having to cope with problems which you have
>>>blithely ignored or not prepared for is far greater.
>> But not as much as worrying about problems which never materialize.
>I agree. I mean, some preparation is ok, but there *is* such a thing as
>over-worrying. And over-worrying is a very, very paralyzing thing--doesn't
>do good for anyone's performance.

So...are we worrying about this optimist/pessimist thing too much?  Or not


The Stainless Steel Cat (steelcat@mac.comtrousers> 23/08/01


Steven Kitson wrote:
>Plus (I'm sure I've said this) by its very reliability and repeatability
>it betrays itself to be technology.

That's because you're from a cultural background which insists that magic
inherently *doesn't* work consistently, and technology inherently *does*.
But I make my living from working with Windows NT, and the sheer number of
non-repeatable phenomena I've come across means I'm tempted to start
packing chicken entrails in with my diagnostic tools...

Jonathan Blum (> 24/08/01


Auntie Krizu wrote:
>Shannon Patrick Sullivan wrote:
>> adriantullberg wrote:
>> > What was the effective range of his Matter Condenser/TCE?
>> It's never been shown. I don't think the TCE has ever been used except in
>> close range, though, if that's any indication.
>> > Was there a default height it's targets were shrunk to, or a certain
>> > percentage of their volume?
>> Seemed to be about eight or ten inches, IIRC.
>Ah, but in Mark of The Rani, he'd improved it enough to make people
>disappear *completely*! Crap idea considering the more striking horror
>value of people being shrunk, IMHO...:P

Every man fears shrinkage...

gordon (> 21/08/01


Cardinal Zorak wrote:
>Bokman7757 wrote:
>>Cardinal Zorak wrote:
>>>Can anyone tell me what the heck "The Urge to Urble" is?  For some reason
>>>this shampoo ad with a bunch of braindead jocks singing in a courtroom
>>>is being inflicted on us and no-one here has a clue what it means!
>> It's "Urge to Herbal"- i.e., Herbal Essences, the brand of shampoo.
>> Granted, the ads are still crap...
> But we pronounce it "Herbal", so didn't someone display a complete lack of
> intelligence by deciding to show them here?

Should have gotten Tom Baker doing a new voiceover then.

"Herbal. Makes your mammaries tingle with strange delight."

Auntie Krizu (> 26/08/01


Hte Trasme wrote:
> I'm American myself and I understand that "color" is standard in
> America, "colour" is standard in the United Kingdom, and a whole
> hybrid of the two spellings (with "colour") is standard in Canada. I'm
> just saying that if we're going to say one is an umbrella Standard (ie
> for the whole world) it would have to be British English because
> that's the one that's USED in more parts of the world.

What's this "umbrella" standard--I thought the word was "bumbershoot"??

Jim Vowles" (> 01/09/01


Anthony Brown wrote:
>>Auntie Krizu wrote:
>> Yes, I'm sticking in my spoon to stir the old soup...
>> I've been thinking... what stops the Ainley Master from having two
>> hearts? Could Trakenites have two as well?
>Earthshock part one shows that Trakens (or Nyssa at least) only have one
>heart. When the team running the lifeform scanner up on the surface pick
>up the Doctor, Nyssa and Tegan, they note that one, and only one, of the
>life-forms has two hearts - and that must be the Doctor...

Maybe only male Trakenites have two hearts.

(very silly>
All Trakenites have two hearts, but when Nyssa's dad was taken over by the
Master, one of her's broke and never worked again.
(/very silly>

(totally bonkers>
In an untelevised story, the Doctor, Tegan and Nyssa meet St. Francis of
Assisi and save him from an attack by a time-travelling Cybermat he was
trying to befriend.  Unfortunately, he is injured and needs a heart
transplant.  Nyssa obliges by donating her spare one.

Basically, she left her heart in San Fransisco.
(/totally bonkers>

The Stainless Steel Cat (steelcat@mac.comtrousers> 02/09/01


gordon wrote:
>Alyryssa Kelly wrote:
>>(it's 6:41am, whaddya want?!)

I am not a number! I am a free Geek!

(but not on Thursdays, when I'm 30p).

Alryssa Kelly (ryssal@the-eighth-doctor.communal> 05/09/01


Stephen Wilson wrote:
> Phoenix wrote:
>> I don't acknowledge the New/Missing Adventures at all, so excuse my
>> omission of them from my answer, but I don't think it's clearly stated
>> anywhere that the Delgado version is the final incarnation of the Master.
>> It's very possible indeed that he could've done many things between his
>> final clash with the third Doctor on the Ogrons' home planet and his
>> appearance on Gallifrey, so it's altogether very possible that at the
>> of his struggles against the third Doctor, he was equal in regeneration
>> totals to him, but in the time that passed between their meetings (which
>> could've been even more extensive for the Master due to the relative
>> nature of time in time travellers' lives), he was forced to go through
>> several more.
> But in almost every case where the Doctor has encountered another Time
> they've always met each other at the same point along their time streams.
> Don't know whether this is coincidence or whether there's some mechanism
> their TARDIS which prevents them meeting other Time Lords from their own
> past or future...

There's usually assumed to be something along the lines of "Gallifrey
Time", but really it's to stop us all getting headaches, and to avoid
like this:

MASTER: Soon, Doctor, you will die! The escape plan you used when I was
with the Sontarans will not work again!

DOCTOR: I'm sorry? When were you working with the Sontarans?

MASTER: In 2533. We hijacked an Earth ship and then you arrived and...

DOCTOR: Not yet I haven't. So you can't kill me can you?

MASTER: Bugger.

DOCTOR: You should have learnt your lesson by now, old chap. You did exactly
the same thing when you captured me on Mondas.

MASTER: The Cyberman planet? I haven't been there, yet.

DOCTOR: Ah, well that would explain why you haven't learnt from it, I

Daibhid Chiennedelh (> 06/09/01


[Regarding the subject "OI Get your ass to the LC site NOW"]

But why would they want me to bring my donkey?

gordon (> 05/08/01


Richard Nelson wrote:
> I saw the first 1st Doc annual in a shop window they other
> day I think, but I was walking by to fast to stop. Damn.

Now that's some fast walking.

Unkempt (> 05/09/01


The Doctor wrote:
> Not all DW fans consider 7 a lucky number.

And with good reason!

7 episodes of Marco Polo missing
The 7th story was "The Sensorites".
Troughton's 7th, "Evil of the Daleks", is missing episode 7.
Harry Sullivan, sensibly, left before endangering himself in Tom's 7th
Tom fell off his gantry after 7 series. He must've broken a mirror sometime
during "Robot"...
Time-Flight was the 7th Davison episode.
McCoy's 7th was Silver Nemesis.
The 7th 'companion', Sara, manages not to even last one story. And worse, by
associating the number 7 with that episode, she takes out the previous
companion as well!
"The 8 Doctors" kicked off book releases in 1997. "War of the Daleks" was
also released in 1997 and has a 7 in the ISBN as does "Legacy of the
The Doctor wisely avoids turning up at all in the 7th BBC missing adventure.

That's not looking good. But, more damning still -

When they killed Adric, crashing into the planet with 0 chance of survival,
in the 5th Doctor's 6th story made in 1982 as part of series 19, he'd been
11 stories and 42 episodes and left 3 people in the TARDIS. His death,
a lucky event, was associated with every digit except '7'.

Mark Longmuir (> 07/09/01


Kelly Kuniskas wrote

>This might be one of the first movies which takes a serious look at the
>implications of modern cloning.  There are many possibilities and many
>dangers involved, I hope the movie explores these ideas.

Hark! I hear the wingbeats of monkeys in my rectum...

Unkempt (> 08/09/01


The Count wrote:

>A lot of people feel the same way... as a result of Cornell's own
>pubic behaviour.

If that's a typo, it's superb...

Unkempt (> 08/08/01


> Zygon Curry wrote:
>> Philippe Richer wrote:
>>> Brad Filippone wrote:
>>>>Zygon Curry wrote:
>>>>> Notch Johnson wrote:
>>>>>> Hey teens,
>>>>>> I've got this idea for novel where Romana eats a banana.  What do
>>>>>> you think?
>>>>> But what about the build up and the history to the scene where she
>>>>> it? Where did she get the banana from? Is it organic or is it
>>>>> genectically modified? What did she do with the banana before she
>>>>> started to eat it?
>>>>> All these questions need answering in a novel!
>>>>Maybe it's the Master's banana.
>>> I stumbled upon this a bit late, sorry.
>> I too have a question, which Romana? Very different stories for them.
> Well I assumed that it was the second Romana that liked Bananas. She
> just seems the banana loving type to me...

Of course, you would never see Romana I eating a banana. She's more a
sort of mango type. Kiwi fruit at a stretch.

Sarah was more your plain functional apple type, Nyssa seemed to like
plums (they matched her dress sense), and Tegan being from Brisbane
should be quite familiar with the Big Pineapple. Apparently Mike Yates
has now been retconned into being a little fruity, Adric's a sour
grape. Oh, and Peri had a nice pear (or so I've heard).

Mark Longmuir (> 10/09/01


Kefka4Pres wrote:
> The first, second, third, fourth, and fifth Doctor all started out wearing
> a hat. Perhaps to compensate for the fact that the sixth Doctor never wore
> one, the seventh wears one throughout his era.
> I think I've discovered the secret to a smooth regeneration!

Hats good, fire bad.

Jim Vowles (>  20/09/01


Unkempt wrote:
>>Alan McWhan wrote:
>>> I wouldn't have thought the ball would bounce back at all; given the
>>> relative mass of the freighter (colossal) and the cricket ball (tiny)
>>> surely the ball would stay in the ship's gravity field and just stick
>>> to the hull where it struck?
>It would have to be _very_ massive to have an appreciable
>gravitational field of its own.

Shall we just skip to the end and bypass all the jokes about
Davison's massive balls? Thank you...

gordon (> 21/09/01


Chris Parrott wrote:
>This is a lovely shiny test. Hmmm shiny. Yes. What. No.

Yeah, be a shame if anyfin *'appened* to this lovely shiny test,
wouldn't it? I mean, bad fings can 'appen to tests just left lying
around the newsgroup. Of course, for a non-refundable fee,
me an' the boys can make sure nuffin 'appens to it, if you see
what I mean?

Evening officer.

gordon (> 24/09/01


Richard Nelson wrote:
>Chris Parrott wrote:
>> Im Chris Parrott.
>> My server was screwd
>> I have been forgotten
>Sounds like the opening monologue/plot for a crappy US TV series.

(dramatic music>

Parrot......a man barely remembered. We can rebuild him. We can make
him, smarter, wittier, funnier. We have the technology. A shadowy
flight into the world of a man with a screwed server. One Parrot *can* make
difference. If you need help and you can e-mail him, you can
hire....the Parrot!!!

gordon (> 23/09/01


[Regarding those about to watch Time and the Rani]

James wrote:
> We Pity You!!!

NO! Don't! It's not worth it!

Well, okay, if you must then... (and don't say we didn't warn you), a
selection of things you may not have noticed about Time and the Rani
the first time around (perhaps because you had your eyes closed, which
is only to be expected).

 - when the TARDIS is hit by the multicoloured beam, the bicycle
actually tips the opposite way to what you might expect. This was of
course caused by an confusion between the fishing wire that pulled it
over, and the movement of the camera simulating interference. What
isn't so well known, is that the confusion was due to the entire
TARDIS set having been mounted upside down to hide the presence of the
wire (by making people expect it to be pulling the bike down rather
than up).

 - Other historical figures seen in the background cubicles as part of
the Rani's brain network: Francis Bacon, Brave Sir Robin, Graeme
Garden, Metal Mickey and Doctor Snuggles.

 - the exploding bubble traps were of course added later in post
production. However, in order to show the occupants being thrown
around the quarry within them, it was necessary to film this material
on location. The crew found much amusement on the day when they were
required to send Bonnie Langford hurtling between various clifftops at
high speed.

 - The question mark jumper has become an infamous part of the McCoy
attire. Less noticeable, but visible at a few points in this story,
are his question mark earrings, bandana, socks, tattoo and briefs.

 - The tetraps were originally designed to be anatomically correct.
This was thought too offensive, but some examples made it to air in
the cave scenes.

 - JNT was quite happy with the giant brain as he had requested it be
scaled based on his own. The set designer was also happy - he
neglected to tell JNT just how much it had to be scaled.

 - Features of the Rani's control console that were not eventually
used in the story: monitor windscreen wipers, global positioning
navigation system, ice dispenser and an integrated suite of financial
management software.

 - The design of the tetraps was based closely upon that of 'Alf' from
the American sitcom. Lawyers from the US network considered suing, but
were convinced not to when it was pointed out that there were no cats
on this planet for the creatures to eat.

 - The Master was planned to appear in this story, but Pip and Jane
refused to write him in, on the grounds that it would negate the
brilliant way they had so explicitly and permanently killed him off in
Trial of a Time Lord.

 - Striving for realism, JNT had the Rani's TARDIS set built into the
location so that she could walk through the 'exterior' door and
straight onto the 'interior' set. These shots were not used, as it was
found during post production that the inside of the doors was
noticeably unpainted.

 - The attack of the killer bees may look like a bad video effect, but
in fact it was created by gluing pieces of cardboard onto the wings of
moths and then releasing them onto the set. This resulted in the need
to purchase a completely new set of Lakertyan outfits after the first
lot was eaten.

 - As the Lakertyans flee the city, Waldo (Wally) may be spotted for a
brief moment in one scene.

 - The quarry used here has been involved in many other stories. In
the east you may see the large pile of rubble left over from "Hand of
Fear". Other objects to look out for in the background include a big
orange plastic bag on the cliff tops, drilling tools with the
unconcious body of a chauffeur, a small encampment with radar tracking
equipment, and there is a buried Dalek just metres from the TARDIS's
landing position.

 - It's often been said that the strange matter of "Loyhargil" is an
anagram of "Holy Grail". In fact it was created as an anagram of
"Hirly Goal", a reference to the Bakers' support for a Zimbabwean
football team. One of many options, it was chosen after Pip noticed it
was also an anagram for "Hoy Llairg", the Welsh village from which the
captain of that football team originated. Lakertyan was selected as an
anagram for "Lake Ratyn" in that village.

 - The 'spots' on the Lakertyans were made out of confetti. At the end
of the filming day, the Lakertyan extras would be invited to shake
vigourously, creating a festive shower to begin the nights'

 - Mel was originally planned to leave in this story, falling in love
with the head tetrap. JNT vetoed this as he was worried about
implications of snogging in Dr Who. The actor playing the head tetrap
vetoed it as the head of his costume had a tendency to painfully
amplify high-pitched noises.

 - Rather than using video effects to give the sky an alien tint, it
was found that releasing large amounts of pollutants a few hours
before filming had the same effect. This was chosen by the BBC due to
cost implications.

 - In protest against not being asked to play the Tetraps, the actors
who played cave-bound Exxillons in "Death to the Daleks" protested and
attempted to disrupt the filming of this story. Unfortunately they
chose to wear their Exxillon costumes, so nobody noticed them standing
against the cliffs.

 - The TARDIS exterior was not available for the filming of this
story, in fact whenever you see it, you are seeing a 2-inch tall model
filmed very close up. Sylvester McCoy was also not available for much
of the exterior filming; in fact whenever you see him outside, you are
seeing his very-tall standin shot from a long way away.

You may miss much of this on the video release, but no doubt it will
be clearly visible when the story is released on DVD.

Mark Longmuir (> 17/09/01


CMento6653 wrote:
> >> You wrote a friggin DOCTOR WHO novel for Pete's sake.

Dave Stone wrote:
> >Yes, and a lot of people thought I'd never pull it off.

You pulled it off *and* wrote a Who novel?

At the same time?


gordon (> 16/10/01


Rob Stanley wrote:
> Just a brief line to let you know that you can now download our full set
> Dalek Plans at http:... (deleted to save mankind)

Are you insane man?  Giving out information that could cause
the destruction of all life on this planet!
Have you no love for humanity?  I mean, yeah, we did bring about the
whole thing of call-waiting, the Spice Girls and the designated
hitter rule - but for the love of Michael Bolton, have mercy!!!!

> If you need any support, help or advice on putting your resulting Dalek
> together, join all of us other mad Dalek Builders at
> http://... (also deleted in a futile attempt to save the world)

This is not what we need - we don't need to HELP those foolish
enough to put one of these things together to get free advice
and help in the process.  I don't see anything here about any
safeguards or hazard controls that could be implemented.  Don't
forget, the Daleks turned on their own creator right from the start
okay, so they later went back to old daddy Davros for help,
but they still tried to fry his electric ass in the beginning)!

What next?  Build your own cyberman?  Or Movellan do it yourself
kits (corn-row braids not included)?

Couldn't you just get your children a nice pointed stick?

Siobahn Morgan (> 30/09/01


[Regarding New John Pettigrew cover]

I would not recommend the use of a John Pettigrew cover.

In normal use, a John Pettigrew does tend to produce a small amount of
waste moisture from its skin and fitting a cover can promote rot.
Personally, I would suggest that you leave your John Pettigrew
uncovered for most of the year, unless there's a particularly cold
spell, in which case a duvet will suffice. Feed and water at regular
intervals and your John Pettigrew should give you many years of

Steve Roberts (>  07/10/01


Zygon Curry wrote:
>>Mappy wrote:
>>> Cameron Mason wrote:
>>>>Poster names lost in time:
>>>>>>> Do you have any Faction Paradox pie?
>>>>>> We did, but it doesn't exist.
>>>>> I'm sure it'll be back soon.
>>>> Or maybe it has been.
>>> May be it never was...
>> Or never will be.
>Maybe the pie got a job as a prop...

In a naval movie.

(singing badly>
"I'm prop-pie the sailor man..."
(/singing badly>

Lorrill Buyens" (> 8/10/01


[Regarding  3rd RESULTS: Wacky October 2001 Survey (questions 7-10)]


Leaving aside mentions of Doctors Finley ("because it's a crap soap
opera"), Doctor Doctor ("because he always gives patients advice so quickly
there's only on frame"), Bashir, Anton Phibes, Beverly Crusher, Crippen,
Doom, Zhivago, Feelgood, Yukio Hattori, Kevorkian, Rowan Atkinson, Joanna
Lumley's Doctress, "me" and "the tall one"...

collected by Finn Clark (>  13/10/01


The Doc wrote:
> Cardinal Zorak wrote:
>> What are you doing on Friday? ;-)
> Shagging my girlfriend.

Do you have any idea how badly I want to say:

"Really, that's what I was planning, too! Your girlfriend's going to
get mighty tired, though."

Luckily, I didn't. :)

Jim Vowles (> 17/10/01


&E® wrote:
> Michael Livsey wrote...
>> Congratulations to the Dimensions on Tyneside team for getting that nice
>> article and picture in the Northern Echo today. I was interested to read
>> that Nicholas Courtney, who played the Doctor's arch-enemy, "The
>> Brigadier" will be appearing... (heavy sigh, shakes head in despair).
> Watch the exciting adventures of Doctor Who as he valiantly tries to save
> innocent soldiers sent to war by the hideous villain known only as "The
> Brigadier"...

"After a few years, some of us began to realize that the guy was the
only one surviving all of these alien invasions. We asked for
transfers," says Sgt Benton, "but he'd never give them. Poor Mike even
faked being a poof to get out, but the Brig said he didn't care, just
wrinkled his moustache up a bit and went on with life. Eventually ol'
Mike just went a bit mad and they had to let him go then. Lucky my
term's up soon, and my brother-in-law's got this used car

Jim Vowles (> 20/10/01


[Regarding RADW Moderated]

The Doctor wrote
>When it gets started.

It has already started and received thousands of posts. It's just that the
moderation criteria are *incredibly* strict!

Stuart Smith (> 22/8/01


Hello, I'm called the Doctor
Though Drax still calls me "Thete"
I zip around in time and space
and villains I defeat!

Oh  I'm the Hartnell Doctor
The Orig'nal, you might say
But Hmmm, I have forgotten
The lines I'm s'posed to say

They call me "cosmic hobo"
but say it's all in fun
One thing you'll learn about me
When I say "Run", you "_RUN_"!!

Well, I'm the thirdmost Doctor
to fight I'm not averse
I use Venusian Aikido
And polarities reverse

Hello there! I'm the Doctor
I went where few had dared
But when 'twas time to leave at last,
the moment had been prepared.

Doctor number five am I
the youngest version yet
they stuck me in these cricket clothes
and still call me "the Vet"!

I'm the sixthmost Doctor
and was sentenced to hiaitus
My coat's a scream, but now I fear
the Valeyard doth await us.

I was the seventh Doctor
until all hell broke loose
got shot in San Francisco
and regenerated Scouse!

The one-shot eighthmost Doctor,
I'm blessed with all the looks
They liked me but Fox blew it
Thank goodness for the books!

Jim Vowles (> 22/10/01


The Doctor wrote:

>With less than a week to go, how will you the DW Fan recognize

By seeing the date 31st October on the morning newspaper...

gordon ( 24/10/01


Charles Daniels wrote:

> 'Course I could be smoking crack here Steve, I dunno.

If you don't know whether you're or not smoking crack, you probably are.

Finn Clark ( 26/10/01


[Regarding the NAs]

...By the time of EDAs, they had to start taking the piss out of
something that was already taking the piss out of itself, resulting in the
story-line disappearing up its own arse. And now what do we have? It is
just an invisible arse-hole, hanging there in mid-air and scaring
innocent people. And some people are still trying to squeeze piss out of
it, but for what purpose, eh?

The Count ( 23/10/01


> Saulchurch wrote:
>The incrediby OTT "Oh my god!  It's the >Master!" revelations in the
>stories.  Why was he wearing a disguise >again?

Well, because the old caretaker always wears a disguise until those
kids" and their pet Adric uncover his fiendish real estate scheme :).

Rayctate (> 08/11/01


AJCDREW wrote:

>To take a recent thread as a point of departure here, I think that Paris
>contributed greatly to the preponderance of anal sex, mostly off-screen, of
>course, but Tom was grinning way too much for most of those four episodes.
>was probably there that he first shagged Lalla, so you never know.  And
>I have a special theory of my own about the real relationship between
>Kerensky, and that chicken, but of that another time....

"What a wonderful butler, he's so violent!" Yes, I think you may have
something here. And it's interesting that the Doctor was the one who knew
what Scaroth looked like under the mask, whereas his wife didn't. Though
usually the mask action goes the other way, in my experience. (Wait, was
that out loud?)

>Aside from this -- and on a far less serious note -- I think that what
>has is an ethos -- a bouquet, if you will :).

More of a table wine, really.

 Besides, it would have been
>difficult to film the Eiffel Tower in the Beeb, and I am grateful that they
>never tried.  Too bad they didn't do the same for the scene on top of the
>Empire State Building in the Chase.

Well, putting a whole story in the city is one thing, one scene is
another. Besides, everyone in England knows that Americans talk like
Morton Dill and we even get the first obese person wandering around in the
background, being rude and pushing through tourists. Good to see no
cultural stereotyping going on there...

>Now, Amsterdam is another problem.  That was a total waste of time.  They
>all the way there, and we didn't get to see even one prostitute, although
>Omega's decision to will his own destruction is retroactively justifiable
>current Dutch euthanasia law.  Hence, if the story works at all, for
>consistency's sake, I suppose it works here as well as, if not better than,
>other place.  Too bad they didn't euthanize the story first -- or at least
>damned music!!!

On the other hand, Omega did need a city whose elevation was lower than
sea level, so it was either Amsterdam or bloody Atlantis again...

Robert Smith? (smithrj2@mcmail.cis.McMaster.CA) 16/10/01


&E® wrote:
Finn Clark wrote:
>> Am I wrong, or was Graham Crowden unable to stop laughing during the
>> shooting of Soldeed's death scene?  To use the technical term, he was,
>> corpsing.
>Yeah.  Why's everybody always ragging on Soldeed?  Bet he was good in bed.

"Three! I have seen three!"

Robert Smith? (smithrj2@mcmail.cis.McMaster.CA>  3/10/01


The Doctor wrote:
>Mappy wrote:
>>The Doctor wrote:
>>>Mappy wrote
>>>>The Doctor wrote:
>>>>>Mappy wroe:
>>>>>>The Doctor wrote:
>>>>>>> Have not been seen since Stones of Blood.
>>>>>>> Will the Doctor bump into them?
>>>>>>No, they were really careful around him.
>>>>> They were going to sentence him.
>>>>So, they were literary Justice Machines.
>>> Correct.
>>Correct what?  It looks correct to me.
> Correct under literary AND LITERALLY!

No, correct comes under "C".  Literary and Literally come under "L".

Mappy ( 04/09/01


"Quotefile is a contradiction in terms."
"Harry Sullivan is a quotefile!"
"I'm a quotefile - I walk in eternity."

Lorrill Buyens ( 26/09/01

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