The rec.arts.drwho Quote File - Dec 98/Jan 99

Courtesy of Robert J. Smith

Submissions and comments should be sent to Robert Smith or radw quotefile

The quotefile is updated monthly (usually midmonth, although it varies
depending on my schedule) and past and present quotefiles can be found at:

On with the quotes!


[Subject: Re: The Meaning of Sarn]

Chris Schumacher wrote:
> Mortimore - (n) An order given out to increase the death-toll.

The weird thing is, that fits perfectly.

Some more:

Anea (n. medical)
The correct term for choking on a cup of tea, thereby spraying it both
up your nose and for a two metre radius.

Aneth (n.)
An Estonian holiday celebrating the one time when stuffed pork roll was
available on the black market.

Argolis (n.)
A type of cheap heater which Anne Robinson is always warning you about
but which has nevertheless been gassing selected members of the elderly
community for the past twenty years.

Betrushia (n.)
A Russian eyebrow comb.

Chloris (adj.)
Descriptive of the annoyance directed at a partner who feels that one
cannot have enough photosythesising going on in the house.

Dido (vb.)
The state needed to be in before hunting for pornography on the internet
for five hours.

Draconia (n.)
The mysterious treatment which has been keeping the Queen Mother alive
all these years, despite the fact she drinks three bottles of gin and
smokes 50 fags a day.

Dronid (pl. n.)
The excretia from very small insects which you apparently swallow three
tons of during your lifetime, according to a typically panic-inducing
article in the Sunday Times magazine.

Dulkis (vb.)
The sexual chemistry displayed by newsreaders who sit close together yet
clearly hate each other.

Emindar (n.)
The panic caused by equating the amount of dairy products eaten in a
lifetime with a new report on the possibility of catching lysteria,
salmonella, e-koli etc.

Exxilon (n.)
An enigmatic multi-national corporation responsible for, amongst other
things, 36% of all known impotence.

Kastopheria (vb.)
The apprehension one feels when Cliff Richard releases a new record.

Kemble (vb.)
Nervousness associated with masturbating in your bedroom, knowing that
there are parents and/or other familial members wandering the house.

Mechanus (adj.)
An official BBC phrase descibing the interior workings of devices
created by Matt Irvine.

Menda (vb.)
The act of walking incredibly fast. Usually only performed by sellers of
the Big Issue and people in shell suits.

Mictlan (n.)
The language spoken by actors in films when they're ordered to converse
in any foreign language. Usually consists of phrases like

Mondas (n. archaic)
The ancient Roman word for actors who come on occasionally, sincerely
agree with the lead character, and walk off again. The word is only used
today in reference to Noel's House Party.

Pakha (vb.)
An Indian term of amusement, mostly displayed on witnessing a westerner
arrogantly ordering the hottest curry on the menu and zealously eating
his way to dehydration, mouth ulcers and a full fortnight of horrific
toilet experiences.

Reklon (n.)
What the bodies of Soviet cars were made out of.

Ribos (vb.)
The antithesis of Tigella (qv.). To play a practical joke that is so
vicious that the participants never speak to each other again, despite
the many cries of 'it was only a joke'.

Solos (n.)
An ancient Egyptian god who once earned the honour of having thirty-five
dogs sacrificed to him, despite giving no indication that this is what
he wanted.

Tigella (vb.)
To play an ineffective practical joke on someone far too nice but who
insists on 'joining in the fun'. Usually consists of hiding their
stapler or deliberately getting their name wrong on the Christmas card

Traken (n.)
The specific word used by the emergency services for fell walkers who
have inadvertently died while climbing what they thought was a hill but
turned out to be a mountain.

Vortis (n.)
A make of battery only ever found in 50p shops that are guaranteed to
run out just after opening the packet.

Zamper (n.)
A new device which greatly improves the quality of tape players and
which will shortly become a standard on all new models, thereby forcing
audiophiles to bankrupt themselves once again.

Zolfa-Thura (n.)
Nuclear Man's arch-enemy (c. DC Comics 1960-61).

Dr. Evil (> 11/12/98


Chris Rednour wrote:
>Yeah, but Shakespere was a hack!  Writing that populist drivel to appeal
>to the masses.  Kinda like _The Eight Doctors_ really...

If Shakespeare had been a Doctor Who writer:

_The Highlanders_: In the Middle Ages, the Doctor, Ben, Polly, and
their new friend Jamie get mixed up in struggles for the Scottish

_The Masque of Mandragora_: The Doctor and Sarah unwittingly bring a
bit of helix energy to medieval Denmark, and get involved in the power
struggles of Hamlet, his evil uncle, and his uncle's maniacal
astrologer, Polonius.

_The Romans_: The Doctor and Vicki get mixed up in a plot to
assassinate Julius Caesar; meanwhile, Barbara, mistaken for an
Egyptian queen, fends off the advances of the randy ruler while Ian
slaves away in her golden barge.

_The Eight Gentlemen of Verona_: Novel about a gentleman of Verona who
meets seven other gentlemen of Verona who resemble himself at earlier
stages of his life.

_Twelfth Doctor_: Could that strangely attractive woman the Doctor has
fallen in love with really be one of his own future incarnations in

_Much Ado About Bannermen_: The romance between an alien queen and a
Welshman is troubled by her evil alien enemies.

_Doctor V_: The fifth Doctor (the one with the open young-old face,
who likes tennis), fights a Terileptil invasion near Agincourt,
France, during the Renaissance. Before the day is won, a whole lot of
Frenchman in the next field are slaughtered by collateral damage.

Daniel Frankham (> 11/12/98


Daniel Frankham wrote:
> If Shakespeare had been a Doctor Who writer:

_Midsummer Nights Dream_
Tegan falls asleep near the Kinda windchimes and wakes up
looking a bit of an ass

_Much Ado About Nothing_
A number of nobles discuss whetheer Shakespeare's
second play was in fact called Titus Andronicus,
The Dead Planet or The Mutants

_Davros Andronicus_
Evil creator of the Daleks gets his one good hand shot off
and made into a pie by Orcini which is then served
to an unsuspecting Nyder

_The Merry Wives of Dr Who_
All seven incarnations of Iris Widthyme pursue our hero
to a final, terrible confrontation with Cameca

Scott Andrews (> 11/12/98


> Which do you think are the wussiest bunch of aliens ?

I agreee with you thoroughtly when it comes to the Ice Warriors,
Movellans, Daleks, and Cybermen. However, nature should have weeded out
these wussies long before they foolishly tried to conquer the known

The Mara:    A giant rubber snake powerful enough to invade minds (well,
             Tegan's at any rate) but utterly confounded by full length

Primords (from Inferno):  Werewolf wannabes easily sent packing after a
             few short blasts of C02

The Borad:      Also hates mirrors. Take away his "aging" gun, and he's
                about as threatening as Stephen Hawkins.

Mechanoids:   These guys are even worse than the daleks. Not only can
              they not go up stairs, they can't even fit down
the corridor.

The Collector:     He should take a look at my taxes some time.

Fury from the Deep:     Evil seaweed creatures utterly defeated by a
                        companion's screaming.  Sad really.

Kamelion:       Robot with a major identity crisis. Waffles even more than
                an American president. Tends to shriek loudly and freeze
                up if anybody thinks hard enough at it.

Daemons:         Omnipotent space gods embarrasingly foiled by Jo Grant.
                 They'll never live this one down.

Scaroth AKA. Count Scarlioni:     The would-be savior of the Jagaroth race
                  should really do something about his glass jaw.

Morbius:     Speaking of glass. Why bother mind-wrestling with
             jar-head, when a 3' steel pipe will do the trick.



Alpha Centuri:    Just one oversized, girlie voiced, phalic shaped, eyeball
                  in a cape. Any two year-old with a sharp stick or halogen
                  flashlight could take out his entire planet.

Troy Wood (> 11/12/98


[Subject: Re: Wuss Monsters]

Paul Rhodes (> wrote:
> In Earthshock, the Doctor had to crush the star into the Cyberman's chest
> unit, which didn't exactly turn it to dust but did at least produce lots
> small particles. (I'm not convinced that real gold would crumble like
> but I'm not about to test the theory!)

The Doctor grimaced as he ground the badge for mathematical excellence
into the Leader's chest unit for all he was worth. The Cyberman
recoiled, wheezing and spluttering, his previously erect figure going
limp as his cybernetically-augmented strength ebbed away.
"You see, Tegan?" said the Doctor, "Their one fatal weakness. Gold!"

Suddenly, the Cyberleader seemed to make a miraculous recovery. He
coughed, and a small fragment of Cadbury's chocolate wrapper came
fluttering out of his chest unit.

"You speak the truth, Doctor. We are indeed susceptable to the element
you call 'gold'. Third rate tat from Woolworth's, however, cannot harm
us. Your costume jewellery is useless, and now you will die!"

The Doctor was appalled! "Adric!" he cried out in agony to his recently
deceased crewmate (who someone had the nerve to call "the son the Doctor
never had" on radw yesterday! Bwahahahaha!! Cough, splutter!!), "Adric,
you cheap bastard! I'll get you for this!"

Ben Woodhams (> 11/12/98


Chris Rednour wrote:
>And the Fourth tripped Eldrad down a chasm, which probably wouldn't
>have been condusive to easy listening [although I could see how Eldrad
>                       ^^^^^^^^^^^^^^

(no, no...don't do it, it's too easy..)
Aw hell.  I would have thought Eldrad would prefer rock. (> 12/12/98


Charles Daniels wrote:
>You know if God did post here, I'm pretty sure the sort of being(s)
>god would divinely be, God would naturally post on topic.
>God's presence on the newsgroup would be good because of course
>access to all the missing episodes of Doctor Who would no longer
>be a problem, however we'd have to put up with God knowing everything
>and correcting everyone all the time.
>On the bright side again maybe the powers of God could finally resolve
>UNIT continuity once and for all and maybe we could buddy up to god
>to swing some interviews with William Hartnell, Patrick Troughton,
>and Jon Pertwee.

Poster1: Yeah, but in _Pyramids_ Sarah said she came from 1980.

GOD: No she didn't. She said she came from 1976.

Poster1: Oh... yeah, so she did. But it's still a little difficult to
reconcile _Mawdryn Undead_ (and indeed Sarah's 1976 line), with the
fact that _Spearhead_ must be set in about 1980, according to evidence
in _The Abominable Snowmen_, _The Web of Fear_ and _The Invasion_.

GOD: Oh yeah. Umm... actually, if you check your tape, you'll find
that in _Pyramids_ Sarah said she came from 1986. In _Mawdryn_ the
Brigadier says he retired in 1990. There's no contradiction.

Poster1: Hey, I checked my tapes, and you're right. Don't know what I
was thinking. I guess UNIT dating isn't so problematic after all.

Poster2: Oh yeah? Then how do you explain the British manned space
programme? The Brits sure never sent any manned missions to Mars and

GOD: Yes they did.

Poster2: Oh, yeah... Now that you mention it, I remember watching them
on BBC3.

Daniel Frankham (> 12/12/98


Troy wrote:



>Alpha Centuri:    Just one oversized, girlie voiced, phalic shaped, eyeball
>                  in a cape. Any two year-old with a sharp stick or halogen
>                  flashlight could take out his entire planet.

>                    -Anyone got any more suggestions?


I mean, is there anything that won't kill those guys? They're
practically bags of water, so you just have to prick one of them, and
all of the water pours out! If it's too hot they dry out and burn, if
it's too cold they freeze. And they've got a vital organ right on top
of their bodies, apparently to provide their enemies with a convenient
target to aim at!

How do these guys think they can conquer a galaxy, with their blunt
teeth, their thin little claws which'd break if they so much as
scratched their asses... They can only see in one tiny little band of
the em spectrum, can only hear a tiny segment of the audio spectrum,
and they don't smell too good either.

Daniel Frankham (> 12/12/98


[Subject: Re: Ice Warriors!]

Definitely worth every penny (of my money, at least). The scans of the
telesnaps defy belief -- they are so good. If I didn't know better, I'd
say they were lifted straight from 16mm copies of episodes two and three

I bet Steve Roberts and co. are sitting round a pub table this very minute
trying to think of plausible places to "discover" those episodes in the
near future.
        "Hong Kong?"
        "Nah, we did that last time. People might get suspicious."
        "How about Ghana?"
        "Bit fiddly that one, because the archive *did* burn down. No one
would swallow it."
        "I know! what about the old 'anonymous package in the post'
scenario? That'd work."
        "Maybe as a last resort. I prefer the one involving the dodgy
geezer with the Shibaden machine. That's a favourite with the fans."
        "Yeah, but we'd never explain the crystal-clear image quality."
        "Oh well. There's no rush anyway. We can always hang onto them
until 2003. It'll make a good anniversary present for all of you at home."
[turns to camera, raises pint]

Vin de Silva (> 13/12/98


Part of what makes Who so cool is that *nothing* is truly 'Off-Topic' -
it can go anywhere, to any time, and that entails being able to deal
with any issue, be it philosophical, political or emotional. That's what
SF really ought to be about - it's the literature of *ideas*. Discussing
those ideas here is hardly 'off-topic'.

Otoh, it *can* get a little dull, after a while.

So. Daleks. Cybermen. Who whups whose arse?

Ben Woodhams (> 14/12/98


Ben Woodhams (> wrote:
>>>So. Daleks. Cybermen. Who whups whose arse?

Mike Sivier (> wrote:
>>The Daleks whup the Cybermen's arses - because of the two, the
>>Cybermen are the only ones who *have* arses.

Conrad Feinson (> wrote:
>Nonsense. Daleks have green, blobby, cybernetically enhanced arses
>which they use to control their travel machines.

"Chatterton, we don't have much time before they notice that we've killed
one of their guards. Have you figured out how to work the controls?"

"Actually, Doctor, I have, but if you think I'm shoving a steering wheel up
my arse for you, you're even more senile than I thought."

Allen Robinson (> 14/12/98


Charles Daniels wrote:
>>>>>Did anyone else just go through 518 messages, discover that 517
>>>>>were about Religion, and 1 was sort of vaguely about Doctor Who?

BBHinson (> wrote:
>>>>I was wondering the same thing.  Go figure!

Charles Daniels wrote in message (36728036.0@calwebnnrp>...
>>>Well if God is the all benevolent creator of mankind, why did he let
>>>the Daleks invade in the 22nd century?  That's a poser.

Vladimir (> wrote:
>> Warning!

>>This will inevitably lead to, "Because God doesn't exist", and we'll have
>>a whole other religion thread on the NG.

Dangermouse (> wrote:
>Or lead to "Because the Daleks don't exist..."


Thou shalt suffer in the fiery pit of a Terry Nation mine for that insult.
Thou shalt have thy knobbly bits sucked on by a Slyther for all eternity.
I condemn thee to the fate of being a walking stereotype, wearing a naff
helmet and uniform and changing thy name to Tarrant. And it shall come
to pass that thou shalt suffer an unconvincing love affair and have thy
head smacked about with dead fish for the rest of thy days.

Yea, and verrily so it was written that the vengeance of Terry Nation
shall be great and terrible indeed....

Robert Smith? (> 16/12/98


Steve Roberts (> wrote:
> And we'll have to show Pyramids of fucking Mars again.

"'Pyramids of Fucking' mars again", said John Birt yesterday
at a hastily-called press conference.  "The BBC really cannot
tolerate any further marring of our scheduled output.  I have
now sent a Service Unit round to Steve Roberts's little cottage
in the woods."

Under close questioning, Mr Birt conceded that negotiations over
a new 24-hour lifestyle channel with a twist had been opened with
a major figure outside the UK, but he refused to confirm or deny
the involvement of Sutekh the Destroyer.  However, it has been
thoroughly trailed in the press that the new channel --
provisionally named "UK Death" -- will feature continuous coverage
of the forthcoming annihilation of all living creatures in the

For budgetary reasons, studios for the forthcoming channel are
located at what Mr Birt calls "quite some distance outside the
United Kingdom", but it is understood that technical difficulties
relating to speed-of-light time lag between BBC Bush House and
the studios have now been resolved.

Mr Birt closed the press conference with an impromptu pipe-organ
rendition of "Jerusalem", staring maniacally into the middle

Graham Nelson (> 19/12/98


Mark Lafrenais (> wrote:
>>I Personally Would Remove some elses Genitals for the Tenth Planet
>>Episode 4 and Remove MY Genitals for all 110(?)Missing episodes

MadDogG252 wrote:
>While it is certainly a sign of true faith, I don't think any genital
>removal would actually help retrieve the missing episodes.

Now he tells us!

Daniel Frankham (> 23/12/98


[Subject: Re: Ian Levine - bad temper or enthusiastic?]

Kyle Teer wrote:
>Hmmm... wouldn't like to cross him. He's quite a big man.

This is a bit unfair. You make it sounds like you'd need
crampons and an ice axe.

Peter Anghelides (> 23/12/98


The Doctor ( wrote:
> I AM normal.  You are VERY LATE.

> 'Mouse, Serve the Fenric here the Pan-Galactic Gargling Blasting
> Guinness Stout.

> Ici  This is

Ici, eh?  Well...

My posts reflect - I have no mind,
Just empty space that takes up time,
I post and others swear I'm blind,
To make a point?  Oh, nevermind.
Outdated monarchies are my guide.

Through Usenet rec my postings fly,
To taint the Usenet way of life,
A rambling Smith? can't deny exists,
Confused, misspelled, outdated, behind,
Things that pain the human mind.

As fingers move to post my mind,
Reader's teeth begin to grind,
With pen and ink I turn to fight,
The satanic powers of the Right.

Andrew McCaffrey (> 28/12/98


Dangermouse wrote:
> Actually, if we could do new books based on episodes alread novelised,
> I'd kill to do The War Games true justice...

They thought of this, you know. It's the new commissioning policy. They're
putting all the authors in a room, a pair at a time, carrying weapons of
their choice, and only one will come out alive. Didn't you wonder what
happened to Penswick and Roberts? And Cornell and Lane have been quiet
too. When they've whittled the writers down to single figures, the Book
Chief will march on Woodlands and take over BBC Worldwide. If nothing
else, this policy is proving that the sword is mightier than the pen.

Peter Anghelides (> 1/1/99


[Subject: Discussions on RADW]

Azaxyr:  I think there are too many writers named Dave.  It's too damn
confusing.  One of them's gotta die.  Anybody know any good Jewish Nazi
Terrorists I can hire really cheap?
DaveStone: Up yours.
Azaxyr:  Yeah?  Well your books are the worst Dr Who books ever written.
You have no talent, and you'll be the first one up against the wall when the
Cyber revolution comes!  Er, just one thing - which Dave are you again?
Blum: It appears that the very nub of Azaxyr's gist relies on the pretense
that certain religious inclinations are enticing ill will toward various
subsections of Aryan populations, which really just indicates his own
ineffectiveness at managing prolonged interpersonal relationships.
IanMcintire: Who talks like that?  You've been watching too much
Masterpiece Theatre.
Dangermouse: Yeah, and Penfolds's a carrying case for a writing implement.
EdStradling:  You'd probably know... Being a writer and all...
Dangermouse: Yes, being a writer makes me an expert on writing
implements, carrying cases, the various grains of paper...
AnthonyBrown: What about on writing?
Dangermouse: An expert on cover artwork, different typewriter ribbons...
Rayctate: What about writing?
Dangermouse: An expert on several word processing software...
NathanCooke: What about writing?
Dangermouse: I, ahm, I, er... Killing vicious Baron frogs and evil
RobIrwin:  What about... Ah, what was that?
Dangermouse: Oh, so you want to change the subject now?!
GaryRussell: I''d like to point out that David Howe likes to change the
subject frequently...
Azaxyr: Daves everywhere!
GaryRussell: Let me finish!
ShannonPS: That's what I was hoping you'd do when I was on page ten of
your last book!
SimonMarsh:  That Gary Russell - thinking he's so great just because he
wrote a couple of really successful books... With his end of the freaking
year stats... But tell me Gary, can you shove 200 cigarettes up your ass,
pour gasoline on them, and light them all up with a fart?  Ha? Can you do
that?  I didn't think so you lame son of a...
Dangermouse:  I TELL YOU THERE's no reason why between Robot and Ark in
Space the Doctor and Harry couldn't have had a homosexual experience.
When the Doctor shouts "Don't touch that", and then later he complains
that Harry "gave it quite a twist"... Well, no wonder poor Sarah had to
have a lie down!  And then later it's the Doctor and Harry under that
table - quite cozy - and they start losing bits of their clothing... A
piece of scarf here, a shoe there...You can feel the electricity between
Kafenken: Oh yeah, and how exactly did they keep this homosexual activity
a secret?  I mean, surely if the Brigadier saw Sarah running from the
Tardis screaming "Fags!", he wouldn't think she was in desperate need of a
cigarette, would he?
Azaxyr:  In that scenario, she actually might be...
KateOrman: Even though I don't read or post to this newsgroup anymore, I
totally agree with my sweetcakes that Azaxyr's a mean and vicious bastard.
Azaxyr:  My, do we have a supercharged baseball bat up our ass?
GaryGillatt: Hey, that's not funny.  I once sat on a baseball bat! Going
to the john has never been the same since.  And it's especially bad here in
Azaxyr: Jon?  Is that supposed to be a Pertwee crack?
JohnPettigrew: Oh yeah, using Pertwee and crack in the same sentence.
Just when everything is going so well, some asshole comes along and
insults my favorite illegal drug.
Gregg: Yeah, Azaxyr's known for degrading McCoy as much as possible and
making Pertwee out to be some god.  We all know that Pertwee's acting is
atrocious, and he's got that annoying lisp.  The Pertwee stories are
really childish. In contrast, the McCoy stories are excellent, and McCoy
is an excellent actor, and everything about the McCoy era is excellent,
and the Pertwee era really sucks. That's just so predictable of Azaxyr -
always stirring up trouble between McCoy and Pertwee fans!  Everyone
knows that Pertwee is horrible, and McCoy is the best.  Stop stirring up
trouble Azaxyr!  Pertwee sucks.
Azaxyr:  You just pop in once a month to confuse me, don't you?
ThatCertainThirdDrFan: People often get the wrong impression about me.
MarkPhippen: Do they tend to mistake you for a McCoy fan?
Waxwax: Did someone say something about illegal drugs?  I think someone
did. Damn, you'd think after two years on the internet I'd figure out how
the hell this computer worked.
JohnLong:  Speaking of illegal drugs, hey guys - I'm outta jail!
Anonymous:  I'd just like to point out that even though I wish to remain
unnamed and unknown, it shouldn't be taken that I hold any malice toward
anyone in this newsgroup, but you're all stupid bastards who still
worship a long dead and idiotic show.
JohnLong:  Hey Azzy, found any of those terrorists yet?  How about taking
this Anonymous out?
OfficialUser: Threatening or inducing to kill someone - that's a parole
violation Mr. Long.
JohnLong: Oh crap.  I'll see you guys in six months - again.
KateOrman: Even though I never read or post to this newsgroup anymore, I
know everything Azaxyr's been saying about my honeybunch, and I
appreciate you guys backing Jon up.
CharlesDaniels:  Whose backing Jon up?  Everything he's said for the past
four weeks I've totally disagreed with.
Azaxyr: Finally, someone with some sense.
Tardis66:  Predictable as always Azzhole.
Azaxyr:  In what way?  This is the first time in the last two months I've
said something nice to someone.
Tardis66: Ahm, er, ah, yeah, like I said, predictable.
Azaxyr: Er, how's that?
(Tardis66 mysteriously stops replying to this thread)
AlanBurns: Hey, I just got the spanking of my life at 30% off from the
hooker next door!  My butt is SORE!
JeffWorks: What color is it?
Quences: It's not colored you idiot!  You see, all the blood rushes out,
leaving the area pale...
KateOrman:  Even though I hardly read or post to this newsgroup anymore,
I'd just like to say that me and my lovemuffin love to spank each other
until our butts are pale...
Erin:  Oh, stuff it Kate - you're just trying to steal my babe of the year
trophy!  It's rightfully mine!  Stay away or I'll scratch your eyes out!
It will always be mine!
CharlesDaniels:  Yeah, and I've got pictures of her in a bikini to prove
Erin: Ah.. What...?
Dastari:  Hey, I've been looking for those.  Why can't I just buy them on
those sex sites?  Are they out of print or something?
Gregg: You'd think Azaxyr had some for sale.
PhillipCrags:  Maybe he doesn't know she's 18.
Azaxyr:  18?!  That's excellent.... Excellent....
Erin:  Oh crud... I have to go away on a long vacation now...
Tardis66:  Yeah, Azaxyr scares away all the babes.
Azaxyr: Oh, so you're back are you?  Got an answer yet?
Tardis66: To what?  I'm going to pretend I don't know what you're talking
Azaxyr:  Ahm...  What did you just say?
Tardis66:  I can't be expected to read every single post!  I'll have you
know that I skip any post with the letter K in it.
Azaxyr:  OK.
Tardis66:  What do you mean OK?
Azaxyr: Er... Didn't you just say...
Tardis66: No I didn't.
ChrisDvorak:  Hey guys, I've got a lot of really cheap stuff for sale -
rare books for only $2 each! I've got Lungbarrow, Wheel in Space, Dying
Days...All $2 each!   (Note: you must invest $1000 in my vegetable garden
for each book you purchase.  Only odd- numbered Target books will be sold
in January, and anyone who doesn't live in Iraq must pay double.)
CoryKlemow: Hmm... Exactly how profitable is your vegetable garden?
DBible3000: Obviously not profitable enough if the BBC hasn't gotten it's
hands on it and stomped the whole thing into the ground just because they
don't want people to enjoy a fresh garden salad for lunch...With olives,
and some fat free ranch dressing, and some of those breadsticks on the
CharlesDaniels: Ah, yeah, whatever. Guess what time it is guys!
Jbal99653: Garhat a yea'th frouthy fuzzy anus.
JeffersonEng: Is it just me or did that make no sense whatsoever?
TimSaward:  Made perfect sense!  He asked if it was time for a long
exciting debate over which was the best Axon ever.   And that he liked
the one with the fuzzy anus the best.
CharlesDaniels: Well, he's wrong.  It's time for the latest edition in the
Dr Who Programme Guide...
Helen:  Ooh, these always make me giddy with laughter.  So much in fact
that I go into this uncontrolable spasm and collapse in the middle of my
office and they have to carry me out on a stretcher.
PerryArmstrong:  That must be embarrassing.
Helen:  No, everyone at work just thinks I'm an alcoholic trying to go
cold turkey.
PerryArmstrong:  No, I meant when your being carried out on a stretcher,
and you're lying there in a skirt, and they can see EVERYTHING...
Helen:  Holy sh*t - I never thought of that!  No wonder my boss keeps
giving me presents...  And always alcohol...
CharlesDaniels: The 100th entry in the guide - The Stones of Cum.  It's
about an alien Dominatrix known as The Cunilingus, disguised as the Vixen
of Penis Cottage, and her cum-thirsty Orgy...

Azaxyr (> 6/1/99


[Subject: Arthur peruses The Janus Conjunction]

"Phrooar, that Jilly Goolden's a bit of all right, I wouldn't mind stoking
up *her* fire" is not one of the late 20th Century's commonplace
expressions, and with good reason.  It would entirely mis-represent the
good lady's  value to society.  Ms Goolden, for the benefit of non-UK
residents, is a sexually unalluring woman with a particular gift.  She
possesses the almost praeternatural ability to discern entirely disparate
smells in a wine's bouquet.  She will bury her salient nose into a good
Bordeaux and proclaim with almost sexual fervour that she can detect
apple-blossom, strawberries, Seville orange peel, a newly mown lawn.  A
Sauternes may contain traces of apricots, a flock of pigeons, a solar
calculator, a double-portion Vesta paella.

What, I ask myself, would the redoubtable Ms Goolden discern if she
inserted her proboscis into some recent Doctor Who novelisations?  She
could flick the pages and snort the updraft.  The Scarlet Empress could
only contain the most exotic scents, not to everyone's liking but
consummate to those with real discernment: Star-fruits; Paw-Paw;
lemon-grass; Szechwan peppers; an authentic Balinese curry with various
side-dishes and lemon-scented finger towels afterwards; that sort of
thing. Option Lock and Kursaal would smell of very palatable but more
everyday fare: Heinz "Big Soup"; oven-chips; Melton Mowbray pork pies;
perhaps a tub of Ben and Jerry's as a treat for the weekend.  Within
Legacy of the Daleks Jilly would pick up less pleasant aromas: Pot
Noodles; Picnic Eggs; Westlers economy burgers washed down with Kiaora.
The Eight Doctors would be worse still: it would emit the odour that
could only ensue if all the performers in Riverdance suddenly took off
their shoes in an unventilated room.

But what of Mr Baxendale's opus?  How would this book excite Jilly's nasal
sense?  Would she pick up sweet fragrances or rank stenches?  What
olfactory delights would the bouquet of the Janus Conjunction hold?

"None whatsoever," is the frustrating answer.  This is a book to thwart the
gift of Jilly Goolden, and that is neither a compliment nor a damning
condemnation.  Let's go back to wine.  If the Scarlet Empress, and perhaps
Vampire Science too, comes from Champagne grapes eaten away by a royal
mould to leave a juice rich in sugar and if Option Lock comes from the Vin
Ordinaire grapes of the Languedoc region then The Janus Conjunction comes
from a beginner's winemaking kit purchased on a whim from the ground
floor of Boots. If Jilly stuck her nose in there she would say "Well, it
smells of .er. grapes,"  and quickly move on to the latest Safeway's

Oi Baxendale! What have you done with Captain "Crispin" Characterisation?
Hand him back this instant! Miss Jones has gone all annoying again since
you took over.  She'll be outside that bathroom chanting "How long are you
going to be? I really need the toi-let" whilst banging the rhythm on the
door. (For examples of exactly *how* Miss Jones is annoying I refer you
to the excellent review of Mr. Finn Clark and specifically his own
completions of her dialogue that made me laugh so hard that I sweated
back into existence an entire rain forest and am now a minor deity to at
least two Brazilian tribes.)

And when you *do* come good, Baxendale, when you  literally


*melt* miss Jones so she cant even get up from her pillow without bits of
her face clinging to it, why do you make her get better again?  If youd just
left her to melt until she seeped out of her spacesuit youd be a hero
amongst fandom.  But you didnt.  And youre not.

Whats more: Doctor Identikit is back with all the transfers missing.  About
half way through Baxendale slaps Mister Spocks fingers onto the identikit,
thus allowing him to empathise with spiders, but apart from this the
eighth Doctor is left entirely at the mercy of Ann Anodyne.

Doomsday devices! Wayhay! They always work, them, dont they? Never any
chance that theyre going to go kaput and blow everyone to buggery!
Strike a light if I see another doomsday device in a Science-fiction
medium I swear I will test the validity of every mothers warning that if
you poke around in your navel too much the knot will undo and all your
skin will fall off.  It will not be my own navel though, oh no!  Authors
be warned you put a doomsday device in any of your books and you will get
a surprise visitor with an extended, and slightly rotating, index finger.

No, thats a tad unfair.  No navels will be unravelled.  As I say this is
the equivalent of a Boots home winemaking kit and when it comes down to
it they are drinkable enough.  Mr Baxendale, I will accept your doomsday
device, your race of spiders that are several threads short of a web now
but used to be really civilised once honest-guv, your cybernetics, your
gung-ho military folk, your Doctor Blank Identikit, your Sam How long are
you going to be Jones and your much-discussed scientific gaffes with some
stoicism.  It *is* real wine after all even though it has no discernible
bouquet and I am decidedly the same man as I was before.

Not a total waste of time and money, Mr Baxendale, but go to a specialist
wine- making shop next time, okay?  It will be worth the effort.

Art Banana (> 6/1/99


Shannon Patrick Sullivan (> wrote:
>>I just mean officially -- you won't see something like "this BBC novel is
>>set between the NAs 'Zamper' and 'Toy Soldiers'."

Dangermouse wrote:
>Well, now...

>That sounds like a challenge, to me....
           Never Coming To A Bookstore Near You!
                        ****Dead Man's Hand****
                              by David  McIntee

/"Come back here, Professor, so I can blow your head off!"/

Draxen. Second only to the Eye of Orion for its peacefulness.
It is one of the largest pleasure resorts in the galaxy, catering
to off-world governments seeking neutral ground on which to
make their own peace

At least, that's what the brochure says.

Between the Master and the pupil falls a shadow, and Ace and
the Doctor's arrival on Draxen seems to start a chain of
violence that ripples through the universe. A chain starting
with the hand of dead man, and a dark-haired archeologist
who can't remember her name.

Someone on Draxen is trying to start a war, and even the
Doctor can't bring himself to stop her...

Featuring the Seventh Doctor, Ace and She Who Must Not Be
Named, this novel takes place after Survival (although between
you, me and the postbox, it happens between Warlock and
                                      Set Piece)

Erin Tumilty (> 7/1/99


[Subject: Re: Gallifreyans vs. Timelords]

Gallifreyans 1, Timelords 13 (after extra Time)

Peter Anghelides (> 7/1/99


Andrew O'Day wrote:
>Last term, I was taught aspects of Shakespeare's Language and Style at RADA
>(where I am taking part of an MA run by King's) by none other than 'D84'
>himself from "The Robots Of Death"...Gregory de Polnay! He took us through
>Shakespeare's use of metrical feet in a passage from "Hamlet"

That's the bit where Polonius staggers out from behind
the arrass and confronts Hamlet with the iambic pentameter:

"I pray you, please do not throw hands at me."

Of course, we all know that Shakespeare did not write Hamlet.
It was Tom Baker, as Catherine Schell will confirm.

Peter Anghelides (> 7/1/99


Erin Tumilty wrote:
>>>Does anyone think it would be worth it to
>>>start a rec.arts.drwho.marketplace?

Keith Bradbury (> wrote:
>>For slave trade?

Mike Sivier (> wrote:
>That would be Blake's 7 marketplace, surely?

"If I may have your permission to take a moment to be so bold, master,
you are on top form today, such a wit, a comic genius, you really should
be on the stage, sir."

Gregg Smith (> 10/1/99


[Subject: Remember Us The Daleks?]

Hello, I'm Simon Bates and I'd like to tell you about an all new story
from BBC Video. Yes the Daleks return in this superb one hour special,
Remember Us The Daleks:

Dalek 1: BOLLOCKS!

[At TV Centre]

Davros: No, I don't want to see them. Tell them to go away.

[The door is blown off it's hinges]

Dalek 1: AH, DAVROS!
Davros: What do you two want.
         NEW LEASE OF LIFE..... AGAIN.
Davros: You fools! I still remember what happened last time.
Davros: Why should I? I get every Doctor Who monster in here you
        can imagine asking for jobs! People will start getting
        suspicious soon. I gave the Master a job presenting
        Watchdog and look what happened! His false Anne Robinson
        face fell off halfway through a live show! I've got
        a Zygon presenting the news, and people asked all those
        questions when Noel Edmunds turned up in a silver suit
        threatening to eradicate people. No it has to stop here!
        There are no jobs!

[Later at ITV, the Daleks speak to the controller, the Cybercontroller]

Cybercontroller: Excellent! I believe we have the very job for you, as
                 holiday stand-ins for Richard and Judy.

[Two weeks later]


[picture fades out to commercial break.]

So watch out for this stunning new video, which isn't available in the
shops. Send 20 to:

BBC Video c/o Crap Videos R Us
Dodgy Industrial Estate

Please note that this video is only available on Betamax. Your tape may
be re-possessed if you do not keep up repayments.

Marcus Durham (> 10/1/99


Daniel Gooley (> wrote:
>Which really does make the books, and then the TVM, a new beginning.  A
>rebooting of the Who universe.....

Well it certainly gave it a good kicking....

Richard Molesworth (> 11/1/99


Waxvax wrote:
>If you think I'm tedious, then write to CBS FOX, and let's get this video
>out ASAP.

Wot, something like:

     Dear CBS FOX,

     I wish to complain!  I think Waxvax is tedious.

     Your sincerely, etc.

Or should we make the connection a bit more blatant, and be more forceful
about it? :

     Dear CBS FOX,

     I am a captive to Waxvax!  At the moment I am okay (if a
     little bored), but Waxvax says he is going to be completely
     tedious until you release The Ice Warriors video!
     Please help me!!!

     Yours pleadingly, etc.

Actually, this is sufficiently lacking in guile that it may be worth a go.
I have high hopes, because if all goes to plan, I could proceed with my

     Dear Mr Gates,

     My sister says she is going to give me a big Chinese burn
     unless you buy New Orleans for me.

     Yours faithfully, etc


     Dear Mr BBC type person,

     I like Doctor Who.  It is really good.  If you don't immediately
     return all missing episodes and produce new series of
     Doctor Who, I would stop paying your license fee if I paid
     it now.

     Yours, blah blah blah


Danny Gooley (> 11/1/99


Daniel Gooley (> wrote:
>Shouldn't think so.  As soon as UNIT comes into the equation, "continuity"
>loses any vestigial semblance of meaning anyway.  I'd rather like to see
>some stories which *really* stretch UNIT continuity.  Having the usual
>UNIT crew going about their usual business in an 18th century setting
>without a word of explanation, for example.

BILL: Hi. Name's Bill Filer. From Pinkertons.

BRIGADIER: Welcome to UNIT, Mr Filer. What can we do for you?

BILL: We've had reports that the Marquis de Sade is up to his old
tricks again. We thought you boys might like to exhange notes.

YATES: I volunteer! Uh, sir.

BRIGADIER: Where's the Doctor got to? If we're heading for France
again he'll weant to be in on this.

Meanwhile, in his laboratory, the Doctor works on the TARDIS... He
sings (badly)...

DOCTOR: They seek him here
        They seek him there
        Those Frenchies seek him...

        Is he on Skaro?
        Or Metebelis?
        That damned elusive...
        Docteur Quis.

Daniel Frankham (> 11/1/99


[Subject: Re: Missing Episode Found.....]

A small metal trolley trundels into the room. On the seat are three

Doctor: Ah! So you survived the volcano on Brindleweisser 6?

The Underwater Menace: Yes, Doctor! You were a fool to think that mere
flames would stop me! Bwahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha. Ha!


A small box on wheels rolls along a corridor. K9's blaster extends,
but before he can fire the box rams him, knocking him over. Helpless,
he calls for his master, who comes running... As the Doctor arrives,
the lid of the box flies open, revealing... two scarred, charred,
dusty old videotapes.

Doctor: You?! But I thought...

The Underwater Menace: No, Doctor. You should have realised by now: it
will take more than a flock of Budungus Mega-Vultures and a tachyon
shredder to despatch The Underwater Menace! Aaaaah
bwahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha. Ha!


Doctor 7: What has brought us to this place?

Doctor 6: Some terrible force, some ancient enemy which has haunted us
for all our lives... Defeated often, but somehow, against all reason
and logic, managing to live on... wherever there are two VCRs and a
dubbing lead... wherever a fan sits huddled in the semi-darkness
clutching a ragged Programme Guide... wherever good videotapes are

Doctor 1: You know, my boy, I believe that whatever force has brought
us to this TARDIS console room has also turned on your scanner!

Doctor 2: Oh no! Oh my word...

Doctor 4: Somebody turn it off!

Doctor 5: It's a bit crap, isn't it...

Doctor 3: Oh, I don't know... it has its moments.

The Underwater Menace (on scanner screen): Nuzzink in ze wurrald can
shtop me now!

Daniel Frankham (> 11/1/99


PC wrote:
>Vote now for your favourite 1st - 3rd Doctor monster/villian at the Three

That's what I like to see, a bit of *focus* in these polls. I'm going to
start one for "Favourite Doctor whose name is "Baker", but I may
have to be a bit more specific. Post your vote to

Next week: favourite BBC Book beginning with K.

Peter Anghelides 11/1/99


[Subject: Arthur takes Jim Mortimore down the local to peruse Beltempest]

Author's note:

This is a transcript, prepared by my secretary, chauffeuse and personal
limbo-dancer Mrs Dorothy Harpic, of a conversation that took place
between myself and Mr. Mortimore in the Flaccid Mangetout and Firkin Pub
on 31/11/98. Unfortunately, the bugging device with which I had been
wired did not pick up the particular timbre of Mr. Mortimore's voice.
Consequently, only my own part of the conversation was audible and has
thus been included on the transcript.

Er...right...pint of Best and a whisky chaser please.  Glenmorangie. Little
bit of water in that.  I'll just grab these seats over here, okay?  (Long
pause Great...thanks...cheers.  (pause> Me?  Married, yes, Goody Banana,
she works with igloos - soup kitchens, sponsored walks, celebrity fasts,
that sort of thing. (pause> Well we've got two igloos in the house and we've
adopted one in Alaska , it's getting on very well. (pause  What?  No not
at all - you could keep them in the oven and they wouldn't melt so long as
you've built them right.  Three kids, yes.  (pause>  Well I do keep monkeys
but they're not *pets* as such, no, they're more working animals, typing at
random until they come up with an original composition.  They will
eventually, take a bloody long time since I've only got seven, but they'll
get there.

What about you - married? (long-ish pause Yep, my friend Gaston, he's the
same. Says you get used to it with time.  So have you got any hobbies -
what do you do when you're *not* writing?  (pause>  Oh, really!  Where do
you get the equipment? (pause> And do they throw the heifers  in for
free? (pause> Only one but there's a special deal on bulk orders...yeah I
suppose that's fair.

Anyway, Mr. Mortimore, or can I call you Jim?  (pause> What?  Not on a
first date...oh okay.  So Mr. Mortimore - on to Beltempest.  I've got to
say that it surprised me as does the window cleaner when he appears
outside your bathroom and he looks like the Ethiopian gladiator from
Spartacus.  You can't tell for sure because the glass is frosted but he's
certainly holding a trident.  (pause> Yes it's *that* surprising.  I mean
the last of your books I read was quite mundane, all that happened at the
end was that Rumpole won the case then went home and poured himself a
glass of port but here you've got...(pause> I'm sorry?  (pause That's
John? (pause> Do you *look* like a camp-as-Christmas overweight
champagne socialist?  Well, no, of course not...(Long pause> Okay, I'm
sorry, right?

But you've *got* to say it's weird haven't you?  I mean I like to be
challenged by a book but I'd rather be challenged by Bob Holness than by
Jeremy Paxman, if you get my drift.  (pause> Yes...I know...I agree with
that much...but you don't have to be stripped to the waist and daubed in
jelly at the same time. At least that's what you'd *want* people to
think.... Thing is, it's not as weird as you make out, is it? (pause>
No, Some might say that, but where I come from disjointed and seemingly
random narratives are ten a penny. (pause> Okay, you don't believe me,
you go down to Sid's corner shop and ask him how much his disjointed and
seemingly random narratives are. "Ten for One Pence," that's what he'll
say, so I would knock that one on it's already delicate cranium if I were
you.  Okay, so what if Miss Jones

(And here I have inserted some spoiler space into the transcript, to defend
the sensibilities of those delicate souls who have kittens if they find out
something without having ventured on that quest of discovery themselves.)


is on one planet this moment, that planet next.  We fill in the gaps
ourselves if we've got *any* intelligence, that's not the issue.  The
issue's this - You want a messianic figure, right, so you take a regular
character, get her possessed.  You can do what you like with her then.
She's possessed, innit? Strikes me that 'Lionel' Lazy's handiwork's in
there somewhere, or at the very least that you've had your cake and
gobbled it straight down. Massive slice too.  You've sneaked into the
larder and cut it yourself. Down the little red road we go...'s my shout...same again? (pause> No, he was before me...oh,
cheers mate...well I'll have a Black and Tan with Banana Daiquiri on the
side, a pint of Best and  a double Glenmorangie with just a touch of water,
please...yeah about *that* much water. (pause> you are...naah,
keep the penny, put it in the blind box. Thank's a lot.  (long pause>
Oops...spilt a bit...Here you go.  Cheers.

(pause> No my point is this.  You didn't really want to write this as a
Doctor Who book did you? (pause> No, I don't believe you.  You had a
conceptually-high Science Fiction novel knocking about in your skull and
you realised that the only way you would have a cat's chance of seeing it
in print would be to write it under the Doctor Who mantle and sod the
characters.  Doctor Indetikit didn't get in the way that much - you could
find something for him to do, he's got no personality to begin with - but
then you're stuck with this pain in the arse woman where what you want is
a messianic tragic heroine.  Bit of a bugger that one.  So what do you do?
Get her possessed. 'Colin' Coward's egress that is. (pause> No, I still
buy that...

and no, it's not that *strange* all right?

Planets dying as their star comes to the end of its natural?  Been there.
Religious figureheads playing on people's weaknesses at a time of
tribulation? Done that.  Humanity's fear and ultimate hostility toward an
alien but benign intelligence? (pause> No smarty-pants, I didn't.  They
didn't have a t-shirt with that on it, although I did make enquiries.

No. (pause> Don't take it like that.  It's a good story all right? It's
well-written, quite gripping really, it's just that...see that stool, well
that's your pure Science Fiction, right?...And see that stool, well that's
your television tie-in book series, right?...Well that bloke lying on the
floor between them's Beltempest.  (pause> Which bloke? That one over
there. The one I'm pointing at.  Burly fellow. shaved head, spider-web
tattoo. The one who's getting up off the floor, coming this way. (very
short pause> Oh, you've got to go now, all right, nice meeting you Mr.
Mortimore, bye. (pause> No mate I wasn't pointing at you...well all right
I *was* but I didn't mean anything by it, I was just using you as part of
a literary analogy, you're the book that's neither one thing nor the
other, you're the book equivalent of (pause> No, I'm not any sort of
comedian, wife keeps igloos...I think you've spilt your
drink, broken your glass, would you like me to get you another? (pause>
oh shit...

End of trascript.

Art Banana ( 11/1/99



There are, apparently, some people who refuse to refer
to Serial B by it's proper, historically accurate,
scientifically documented, irrefutable, Biblically
pre-ordained title, "The Mutants" -- not just because
everybody and their dog had called it "The Daleks"
for years, including Terry bloody Nation and Auntie
Beeb, but for the flimsy, cowardly excuse that "The
Mutants" is already a Jon Pertwee episode title and,
well, won't that be a little confusing?

NO EXCUSE!  Clear communication and understanding are
not the goal of the true Doctor Who fan!  The goal of
the true Doctor Who fan is the warm glow of the smug
feeling that you're right and everyone else is wrong!
It's being able to laugh behind the backs of poor, deluded,
misguided misfit newbies who actually *believe* that the
title of an episode is -- get this! -- *what it says it
is on the spine of the official BBC tape release!*

No, the only way to lay to rest the tired old "But `The
Mutants' is a Pertwee title" chestnut is to adopt new
titles for Hartnell episodes -- and have *all* of them
be Pertwee titles!  That'll show 'em.  No one will dare
speak up about the confusion then, for fear that our next
move will be to rename every single episode to "Doctor
Who and the Silurians."

These new "Hartwee" titles are easily documented as absolute,
incontrovertible fact.  No use arguing that the early
Doctor Who stories didn't *have* story titles, just episode
titles, and that *any* story title you'd care to apply is
just a matter of opinion; no, *these* titles come directly
from a few scribbled notes on the back of a beer mat that
I've been assured was nicked from Verity Lambert's handbag.
How could anyone dispute that?

The Hartwee titles are as follows:

"An Unearthly Child" - "Invasion of the Dinosaurs"
"The Daleks" - "The Mutants"
"Edge of Destruction" - "Inferno"
"Planet of Giants" - "The Green Death"
"The Dalek Invasion of Earth" - "Planet of the Daleks"
"The Rescue" - "Frontier in Space"
"The Web Planet" - "Planet of the Spiders"
"The Chase" - "Death to the Daleks"
"The Time Meddler" - "The Time Monster"
"Galaxy Four" - "Spearhead from Space"
"Mission to the Unknown" - "Pertwee Cutaway"
"The Daleks' Master Plan" - "Day of the Daleks"
"The Ark" - "Colony in Space"
"The Celestial Toymaker" - "Carnival of Monsters"
"The War Machines" - "The Mind of Evil"
"The Smugglers" - "The Sea Devils"
"The Tenth Planet" - "The Ambassadors of Death"

I hope this clears up any understanding.

Michael J. Montoure (> 12/1/99


[Subject: Re:THE CRUSADE part 1 found in NEW ZEALAND!!!!!]

Well, we need more Doctor Who fans from around the world to come over
here and collect them. They've been duplicated so many times that there
are now more missing episodes than sheep in New Zealand. I had to buy a
snowplough to clear Season 4 out of my driveway each morning. Honestly,
please. We'll pay you to take them. They're a safety hazard . You can't
take an open flame within 10 metres of them without burning the city
down. Hundreds are taken to hospital each day after a friendly game of
frisbee with Marco Polo Part 4 lodged in the sides of their heads. They
don't even fit into our VCR's
for God's sake.

Joseph Nunweek (> 12/1/99


[Subject: Okay, so who's checked the NZ vaults?]

I know that the vaults of the BBC were thoroughly checked in the late
1970s, and that the cupboards where they kept the tea were checked in
1987 (hence, the Ice Warriors discovery).

I can hear it now: "The Macra Terror, Part One? Oh yeah? I've been using
that as a coaster since 1973."

F. Jason Rhoden (> 12/1/99


Reuben wrote:
>So I guess that means the Planet/Edge double set idea won't happen then?
>Where would you suggest Edge get released with then?

I think "Edge" should be released with "Brink".

I would be very fustrated not to see the second half of "Inside".

Dave Owen (> 12/1/99


[Subject: Re: CRUSADES:1 Clip on BBC One O'Clock News Today!]

Well, for those of you who don't know, the BBC singularly failed to
broadcast an item on the recovery of the Crusades pt.1. Luckily, what
with my parliamentary contacts and all, I've managed to obtain a copy of
the unused item and present here a transcript for your delectation.
Read, enjoy, and imagine what might have been.....

Edward Stourton (for it is he): And finally, the BBC has today issued a
General Notice to Normal People not to be overly disturbed by large
crowds of Strange People gathering and celebrating in bizarre and
unusual fashions in public. The warning has been issued in the wake of
the rediscovery of some crappy old black and white BBC footage from some
TV show we used to make. Or something. Bam O'Boozle reports.

(Cut to: Bam standing outside BBC Television Centre as thousands of
shambling individuals mill about in long coats and scarves, eating
SkyRocket icecreams and jelly babies. Some of them tow huge carts behing
them, stacked with books and videos.

B O'B: Worldwide, the streets are filling with the ghastly apparitions
of the little seen Lesser Skiffy Fan, blinking as ythey emerge into the
sunlight after years of self-imposed hermit-like solitude in their
one-room bedsits. Although police have advised the general Public to
steer well clear, the BBC issued a stsement to the effect that, although
these people are severely disturbed, they are, in fact, relatively

BBC spokesperson: Many of these people are victims of severe mental
abberation , but they're fundamentally harmless. Except Azaxyr, of

B o'B: It all began yesterday, when the news emerged that one of these
cult memebers in New Zealand had unearthed what appeared to be a
previously lost episode of a programme called 'Doctor Who'. It used to
be quite popular once, apparently.  The episode was quickly returned to
the BBC, where engineer Steve Roberts was entrusted with its safety.

(Cut to:
Steve Roberts: You're going to come all over your telly, I shit you not.

(Cut to: clip of Julian Glover lusting after his sister
B o'B: The episode features widly-known, much-loved and respected actor
Julian Glover, best known for, er, the first ten minutes of 'The Empire
Strikes Back'. The lead was taken by William Hartnell, the first actor
to play  Doctor Who.

Massed thosands of Fans in background: THAT'S THE NAME OF THE

B o'B: Oh, for God's sake.

(Cut to: Clip of Hartnell punching someone in the face
Hartnell: Take that, you filthy Arab!!

(Cut to:
B o'B:  Leading psychiatrists  have expressed concern over the possible
long-term effects of sudden exposure to daylight and other people on
these strange individuals. Against the advice of the security service, I
asked some of them how they felt they would adapt.

(Cut to:
Mark Phippen: Look, we're just normal people, OK? Just 'cos I run a
webpage devoted to release schedules for merchandise for a programme
that hasn't been made for almost ten years doesn't make me a weirdo.

B o'B: But there are those that would argue... "Yes it does."

Mark Phippen: It's not like we're not socialised, you know. We can have
normal relationships with people that don't revolve entirely around
'Doctor Who'. We do experience interaction with other human beings.
Being on the internet, for example, is almost as good as having a life.

B o'B: Right. Sure.

Helen Fayle: And some of us don't even have willies.

(Cut to:
Marcus Durham: It's not as though I plan to spend much time outside
anyway. As soon as the party's over, I'm going back to watch 'Trial of a
Timelord' straight through. Twice. That should help me get over any

(Cut to:
Waxvax: Next year is not acceptable!!

(Cut to: Man pulling around a huge glass cabinet on wheels, full of Who
B o'B:  Excuse me.
Man: Yes?
B oB: Why are you dragging this thing around?
David Howe (for it is he, staring wildly): I bet I've got more videos
than you have!
B o'B: No doubt you have.

(Howe shuffles off, followed by hundreds of acolytes waggling copies of
the Television Companion.

Bo'B: The Offical BBC 'Doctor Who Guy' had this to say:
(Cut to:
Steve Cole: Look, it's nothing to do with me, right? I left last

B o'B: So, it looks as though, for the time being at least, some nutters
are happy. Perhaps they'll stop bothering everybody else for a while,
This is Bam O'Boozle, for the BBC, Shepherds Bush. Not that this will
ever get broadcast anyway.

Ben Woodhams (> 13/1/99


[Subject: Re: THE CRUSADE part 1 found in NEW ZEALAND!!!!!]

Dastari wrote:
>If one of us was to go to a parallel reality where the BBC had some
>common sense and didn't junk all their early Doctor Who episodes, which
>5 would you bring back. Personally, I would get Tenth Planet 5, (snip>

What a lost classic this episode is.
Twenty three minutes of an unconscious
Pat Troughton lying on the floor as Ben and Polly
faff endlessly about what to do next.

Scott Andrews (> 13/1/99


John Hutton (> wrote:
>>   The book, by Lawrence Miles, will
>>   answer the oldest unanswered question in the history of the programme,

>"The oldest unanswered question..."

>Must be one of the following:

>    * Whether Susan really is the Doctor's biological (as we understand it)
>    * Why the Doctor left Gallifrey
>    * Whether the Doctor really did have one heart in his first incarnation


Why Susan couldn't understand a spring mechanism on the TARDIS when she
was supposedly so intelligent.

Why the Doctor modelled his hair after Celine Dion.

(it's true, check the Virgin reprint of the Daleks)

Why the Doctor gave up smoking.

Brad Schmidt 13/1/99


Alden Bates (> wrote:
>> And yes, they showed a few bits from it - the TARDIS materialising and
>> bits of the fight scene...  It looked good.  Pity they didn't mention if
>> they were going to look through the TVNZ vaults.....

Steve Roberts wrote:
>Erm, how exactly did they do that?

>Was it a clip from the camcorder copy - ie filmed off a projection?

JOURNALIST: We need some footage for that "Missing Doctor Who Episode
Found" story.

NEWS EDITOR: Can't the BBC send us some?

JOURNALIST: Not before 6 o'clock.

NEWS EDITOR: Bugger. Guess we'll have to use our archive copy.

JOURNALIST: Oh yeah, I forgot about those. Good thing we kept all
those episodes so we could use the footage on these "Missing Episode
Found" stories wasn't it?

Daniel Frankham (> 13/1/99


Nathan Cooke (> wrote:
>>>No it doesn't, Five Doctor's doesn't feature Jamie or Victoria. Bob
>>>Holmes placed it in s5 - he should have known.

Steve Roberts wrote:
>>Funny, I could have sworn I spent about four hours dematerialising
>>Jamie when we did 'The Five Doctors - SE'...

Ben Woodhams (> wrote:
>Four hours!!??

>So, I guess it's not like you just....*push a button*, then, or

Yeah, here was me thinking that the "dematerialise Jamie" button was
hard wired into all BBC vision mixer consoles.

Nick Caldwell (> 14/1/99


Beverley West wrote:
>>Why isn't the doctor a Vegetarian?

Magrat (> wrote:
>A lot of the Anarchists I know are more than happy to eat meat: one
>person I know who wants to do any with modern forms of society insists
>on eating peasant or pigeon whenever possible.

           ^^^^^^^ OK, so I'm being picky, but that sounds like taking
rejecting modern society a bit far to me... :)

Conrad (> 14/1/99


John Pettigrew (> wrote:
>True, and if future BBC Video releases *MUST* be accurate as possible,
>we'll see the one-part "Dalek Cutaway" and Terry Nation's epic Season
>3 tale, "Twelve Part Dalek Segment".

I heard that the BBC actually found all the missing episodes in Kiev and
is poised, eager to release a 13 part boxed set... the instant that fans
can agree on what to call it.

Robert Smith? (> 14/1/99


Steven Hill wrote:
>The naughty images are back online. Go storming over to



Doctor Who fans will soon have more smut to add to their collection - a
long-lost Web Page of filth based on the the science fiction show has
been discovered at

The series of black-and-white and colour photos is the first to be found
for several months, and doesn't feature the first Doctor, William
Hartnell, oddly.

The page surfaced today after the former maintainer of this cyberden of
iniquity, Steve Hill was told that its existence was now possible.

Mr Hill said it was "the ultimate dream of any Dr Who fan. It's been
like having a book without any of the pages stuck together".

'Could be more in New Zealand'

The Web Page, the 'Naughty Image Archive' had been at until recently, but its
whereabouts since then had been a mystery.

"It means there could be more in New Zealand and people are completely
unaware of what they have," said Hill, although what New Zealand's got
to do with it is completely beyond us.

In September the British Porn Institute asked dirty old men with filthy
raincoats to check their attics for dodgy pics of old TV shows.

The discovery of The Naughty Images does not even fulfill the whole
potental of smut to be garnered from Doctor Who, but Charles Daniels is
working on it.

Steve Cole, of the corporation's commercial arm BBC Worldwide, said:
"The search for hand-shandy material has been going on for some time

"Pictures that were sent out to foreign porn merchants were often dumped
when it was considered they weren't commercially viable. With the
introduction of colour, it was thought nobody would want to wack off to
black and white pictures.

"We will now be viewing the pictures at, er, great length and deciding
whether we will be releasing then as a calendar of the type regularly
seen in garages and mechanics workshops being ogled at by guys with
visible arse-cleavage."

Ben Woodhams (> 15/1/99


[Subject: Re: "Planet of Fire" video cover error]

David Shepherdson:
>>>after all, if "Paradise Towers" could be rated (on the cover,
>>>at least) as "Low Level Corse [sic] Language" when it should
>>>have been "Low Level Violence", then anything can happen!).

Mark Phippen:
>>So you haven't got the copy in which the Doctor says 'Why don't you just
>>piss off, Kroagnon, you stupid wanker' then?

Helen Fayle:
>That would be the one with the novelisation by Dangermouse in the style
>of Tarantino then?? (cheeky grin>

CHIEF: Find the Doctor!

DEPUTY: Doctor... That's the little guy with the umbrella, right? Travels
with the redhead in that "fuck-me" polka-dot thing?

CHIEF: Well, I wouldn't go so far as to say it was a "fuck-me" outfit, but

DEPUTY: What the fuck does he need an umbrella indoors for anyway?

CHIEF: I dunno, it's probably a phallic symbol, y'know; like "I may not be
armed, but I got a set of brass ball this big to go with this dick, so
don't fuck with me, or I will fuck you over"

DEPUTY: But you want us to fuck with him anyway?

CHIEF: Not me; the Great Architect wants a Caretaker in every stairwell
ready to pop a cap in his ass...

Dangermouse (> 16/1/99


Michael R. Wall (> wrote:
>I was looking through my old issues of Doctor Who Magazine for information
>relating to missing episodes, and I encountered something rather
>in issue 83.  In the letters page, Ricky Kipp stated that all the radio
>waves from the BBC are traveling indefinitely into the depths of outer
>space, and that all we need to do is to travel through space faster than
>light and arrive on a distant planet where those radio waves hadn't reached
>yet, set up a TV receiver, and record all the episodes as they reach the
>planet.  Any rocket scientists on this newsgroup?  As stated in "The Stones
>of Blood" and "Four to Doomsday", it is impossible to go faster than the
>speed of light, but laws are meant to be broken.

This has been suggested many times.  For the record, the lucky
dwellers of Epsilon Eridani are just about to be dismayed by the
cancellation and are currently watching "The Curse of Fenric".
Hearts are equally heavy on Altair, where Peter Davison has
stepped aside for a strangely bulky creature with peculiar
plumage.  On Fomalhaut, scholars are unable to make any sense
whatever of "Terror of the Zygons".  If only they knew that
this is the correct response, they'd no doubt be much happier.

Over on Vega, "Carnival of Monsters" is causing some controversy
with young Drashigs hiding behind sofas in delicious fear
of the terrifying Jo Grant.  One Mrs Mary Drashig is starting
a campaign to have the Earth obliterated in order to protect
larvae from this sort of violent rubbish.

"The Lion" is very nearly the current episode on Arcturus,
incidentally, though Norton's 2000.0 (18th edition) doesn't give
the distance more accurately than the nearest light-month, so it's
hard to be quite sure of this.  Anyway, we can let them know
that they don't need to ask the baby-sitter to video it.

Graham Nelson (> 16/1/99


Jarrow Merenivitch wrote:
>QUESTIONS!!! (what a mouthful!)

>Susan recognizes the Doctor as her Granddaughter

This is the best sort of answer - one that throws up all sort of
potentially disturbing questions...

Ben Woodhams (> 18/1/99


[Subject: Re: Keff McCulloch does Prince]

"JT" (> wrote:
>Keff McCulloch has covered about an album's worth of Prince songs.

Once, many, many years ago, I was humming the 'Peter Gunn' theme in a
queue. The bloke standing behind me commented that never had great music
been so horribly murdered, and nor would it ever be again.

You've just proved him wrong, and for that I thank you.

Ben Woodhams (> 21/1/99


Azaxyr wrote:
>Odd that all those times the Tardis gets knocked
>around, and even turned on it's side...
>how come the water in the swimming pool
>doesn't flood the Tardis?

There's actually a cunning trick as to how the Doctor stops all the
water from falling out when that happens.

He uses velcro.

Alden Bates 22/1/99


Talk about coitus interruptus -- poor Benny, her two best shags (Guy in
"Sanctuary" and the Doctor in "The Dying Days") are left unresolved and
uncertain because the authors couldn't just let her get on with it. I mean,
how fulfilling a sex life can a series of Schrodinger's orgasms be?

Henry Potts (> 25/1/99


[Subject: Re: BBC vs Virgin?]

Jonathan Blum (> wrote:
> People have been complaining about crap proofreading in the Beeb books
> ever since the range began ...

Then again, though The Adventures of Dictor Woh do have a certain naive

Dave Stone (> 26/1/99


[Subject: Re: Openly gay actors in DOCTOR WHO?]

>I particularly find it worrying when you start speculating on someone's
>sexual orientation by "reading between the lines." You are on very shaky
>ground here and it is not something I advise others to start doing.

>I suggest that this thread is abandoned, although I can obviously not
>stop it continuing should others wish.

I just hope these actors don't begin sending scathing emails, after all they
are flamers.

Matt Fitch (> 27/1/99


Jimbo (> wrote:
>The Ashleigh Hotel in Bournemouth has a Dalek in its bar.

It drinks nothing but Scotch, Hits you up for loose change, tells
you repeatedly it loves you, really really loves you, and falls asleep
right in the middle of it's own conversations.

Will Cameron (> 28/1/99


>>'Planet' was going to be released with the 'Crusade' eps later this
>>year, but this has been changed to [DELETED] plus the 'Crusade' bits.
>>'Edge' is coming out with [DELETED] in a [DELETED] that will also
>>hopefully contain [DELETED] before Xmas

Matt Fitch (> wrote:
>DELETED is my all time favourite DrWho story! Kudos to all involved ;)

There's a coincidence -- my all-time favourite story is deleted, too.

Graham Nelson (> 28/1/99


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