The rec.arts.drwho Quote File - Feb./Mar. 99

Courtesy of Robert J. Smith

Submissions and comments should be sent to Robert Smith)


[Subject: Re: H.A.D.S.]

>Was what happened in Frontios a variation of this, or did Christopher
>Bidmead simply forget, or ignore, that it had such a system?  I remember
>him saying that he wanted to destroy the TARDIS to show that everything
>is vulnerable.

Yes, what happened in Frontios was a variation on it - all that stuff
with the
hatstand as a weapon - it's a similar system known as H.A.T.S.

Mark Phippen (> 29/1/99


Msquared (> wrote:
>Don't we see the Pratt Master's face superimpoised over the face of his
>Grandfather Clock TARDIS (I ask you, a Grandfather clock on Gallifrey)

Ridiculous, isn't it? A classic example of a Grandfather paradox.

Robert Smith? (> 1/2/99


JMoore9926 (jmoore9926@aol.comPYRZQXGL> wrote:
>To which my follow-up question is, does the TARDIS food dispenser provide
>other things as well, like the gallon-size cans of hairspray it would
>take to keep that do going through all those adventures on those dusty
>and windy and humid planets? Um, now that I think of it, the female
>companions might want the gizmo to dispense, well, you know, "wimmin's
>thangs" as well.

Oh my, the TARDIS Tampon Machine, now there's a thought... no doubt
in the original script by David Whitaker, Barbara presses buttons
J-2 and D-1 and there it is.  "But it looks like a Mars bar," says
Ian.  "Feels like bacon and eggs," says Barbara.  "Perhaps a little
too salty."

Graham Nelson (> 2/2/99


[Subject: EXPOSE!]

This is a true story (lost since the early nineties), compiled by a
source close to the BBC for over twenty years.
Under no circumstances must anyone try to recreate the events described
in this document.
It exists merely as a warning as to the dangers of experimentation.
You have been warned...

Michael Briant was a decent young man. He was the type of talented,
young director that the BBC needed. Despite the misfortune of working
with Jon 'Own Stunts' Pertwee, Michael managed to turn in three well
directed Doctor Who stories (Colony in Space, The Sea Devils and The
Green Death).

It was during a reception for the Season Ten team that Michael's
downward spiral into vice started. He was trying to avoid Paul 'Paul
Bernard' Bernard (who was boring everyone senseless with his drawing of
a fridge and telling stories about how there WERE only three Daleks in
his classic Day of the Dalek, how he REALLY DID design the Draconian's
(honestly), and how he was really LOOKING FORWARD to working with
everyone again), that Michael struck up conversation with Barry 'The
Postcard' Letts who introduced him to David 'Kaleidoscope' Maloney.

David was a real sixties hangover who was heavily influenced by his
dependancy on mind altering drugs. He had turned in a few psychadelic
stories in the sixties (The Mind Robber, The Krotons, and The War
Games), and had recently contributed to the programme again (Planet of
the Rolykins). Michael was overawed. The next few months saw him go with
David to a lot of underground parties. It was here that he met Carey
'Scarey' Blyton, who convinced Michael that he, along with his five
pals, was the latest "in" thing on the underground music scene. It was
at these parties that Michael became hopelessly addicted to LSD and
other mind-altering substances, so much so that he became known as
Michael 'E' Briant.

Season Eleven saw him direct Terry 'The Alien' Nation's Death to the
Daleks in a totally different style to his previous work. Carey Blyton
provided a particularly menacing score (to Dick 'Swarfega' Mills,
anyway), and Michael eevn paid tribute to his new mentor, and teacher,
with a crude kaleidoscope sequence. The model work nearly ended in
disaster when he dropped some solvent he was sniffing onto Jim
'Polystyrene' Ward's magnificent (so he said) model city. Luckily he
managed to write it into the script. Nobody knows the inspiration behind
casting Pavarotti as an Exillon. Presumably it was the product of yet
another "E" trip along with the idea of filling the studio with sheep
one night!

The outgoing team of Letts and Terrance 'Twelve Chapters' Dicks
recommended Michael (and David) to the incoming team of Philip 'Hammer'
Hinchcliffe and Robert 'Horror' Holmes. Michael soon found himself
working on Gerry 'One Plot' Davis' Revenge of the Cybermen. Any stories
you may have heard about supernatural happenings down Wookey Hole are
yet more products of Michael's drug habit. Most sequences were (on the
advice of his old boss, Barry) simply CSO'd in front of a postcard that
he bought from the information centre. One particular night in the
studio saw Michael (along with newcomer Tom 'The Hod' Baker) desperately
trying to write into the story a cabbage called Wilkin. The plans came
to nought however, and so the decided to fill the TARDIS up with old bus
tickets instead.

Michael's final Who was Chris 'Filing Cabinet' Boucher's Robots of
Death. Once again the cabbage idea proved unworkable and so they cast
Brian 'Fillet'o'Fish' Croucher instead. Robots was the most heavily
Maloney influenced yet (so much so that Michael bought his own

After this Michael was invited by David to join him on his permanent
Acid Rave on the third floor of BBC Television Centre. Codename: Blakes
7 actually managed to produce (more by accident than design) thirteen
fifty minute broadcastable (on the whole) segments each year.

"It was one hell of a party", said Vere 'Gis'a'job' Lorrimer. "We
actually went on tour sometimes and tried to blow-up Nuclear Power
Stations, it was incredible!"

We talked to John 'Nathan' Turner, PA on Doctor Who at the time, about
this period at the BBC. "I don't know much about it. Graham (Williams)
and Pennant (Roberts) used to pop up from time to time, but I was never

Codename: Blakes 7 ran for three years until in one last drug crazed
orgy, Maloney demolished the set. The resulting inquiry at the BBC
caused the halt of the Doctor Who production Shada, due to the
involvement of Williams and Roberts.

Vere Lorrimer says, "We tried to get it going again after that, but
without Dave and Mike it was useless - we couldn't get the gear - I
think Dave new a research chemist." Indeed he did, Dave's main supplier
was none other than Terry 'Terrorist' Walshe, known in all documentation
at the time uder his codename - 'King Star'. "Still", continued Vere,
"Paul 'Actor' Darrow knew someone in the licencing trade, so at least we
got the booze cheap." Codename:Blakes 7 ran for another year, but even
the introduction of Viktors 'Mad Bastard' Ritelis as Events Manager
couldn't save the party, and everyone went home.

David Maloney dissappeared after this and Michael was lost without him.
He contemplated suicide, but eventually took the hard decision and went
on to direct Howards Way.

As for David, he turned up again recently. He spent most of 1990 camped
on the steps of Central's Braod Street Studios begging every one for a
job. New producer Hilary 'General Von Klikerhoffen' Minster (who Maloney
had cast in both Planet and Genesis) took pity on him and allowed him to
direct episodes of his new soap - Family Embarrasment. Here he got to
cast Rula 'Line' Lenska in the role of 'Washed up actress dragged out of
semi-retirement in a desperate attempt to get some viewers'.

In an attempt to discover what happened to Michael, I asked JNT, "I
don't know what happened to Dave or Mike. Funnily enough though, I did
run into Paul Bernard in the BBC Club the other day. He showed me a
drawing of a frigde and asked me for a job..."

The search continues...

BBC Mole (> 2/2/99


Paul 'Ozymandias' Harman wrote:
>As we all know, the Master died in "Planet of Fire". He burned up. He
>disappeared. He was no more.

>And yet, there he was without a scratch in "Mark of the Rani".

>Now, I'm sure Dm will have some words to say about this, but while I was in
>the shower the other day I worked it out.

>When we see the Master disappearing in "Planet of Fire" - that's when the
>Time Scoop dragged him out of reality for the events in "The Five Doctors".
>And Rassilon returned him unharmed into the real Universe ready for his
>further adventures. So, basically, Borusa saved the Master from death.


Scene: Lord President's office. BORUSA, FLAVIA and the CASTELLAN are
discussing the latest crisis to hit Gallifrey.

FLAVIA: So, to sum up: Someone has somehow gained access to the Ancient and
Forbidden Timescoop controls to reactivate the Death Zone, the Doctor's
disappeared from all his timestreams (except one's caught in a sort of
loosely glossed-over Time-thingummy), he's proabaly in the Death Zone, and
no-one knows where the Timescoop controls are hidden except for whoever's
behind this dastardly scheme.

CASTELLAN: That's about it, yup. The questions is....what are we going to do
about it?

BORUSA: Hmmm. Wait a moment! I've got it! How about I timescoop the Master
here and send him into the Death Zone?

(Long Pause.)

FLAVIA and CASTELLAN both point at BORUSA.


BORUSA (slapping forehead): Shit!

Ben Woodhams 2/2/99


[Subject: Re: Bloody Azaxyr]

Ahhh, the Bloody Azaxyr. One of my favourites.


1 shot vodka
tomato juice
worcester sauce.
chilled glass
1 copy Remembrance of the Daleks
1 copy Inferno

Take the chilled glass and pour in vodka, tomato juice, and worcester sauce.
Garnish with a Davison prop celery stick, and the tape spool wrenched
from the cassette of Remembrance of the Daleks. Drink immediately, while
watching Inferno. Repeat until you reproduce the Pertwee lisp *without

Next week - A slow comfortable Waxvax.....

Rob White (> 5/2/99


[Subject: Re: DWM 274: Commments]

Jim Fung (> wrote:
>Dave Owen's last "Shelf Life" was good.  I won't say I'm sad to see him go,
>as I don't like his Dicks-bashing

It's a terrible vice, I know... You'd get on with my mother.

Dave Owen (> 8/2/99


[Subject: Re: In 1972...]

Mark Phippen (> wrote:
>>... a crack commando unit was sent to prison for a crime they DIDN'T

Jeff Works wrote:
>If you have the money, if you need them, and if you can find them, maybe
>can hire. . . U.N.I.T.


Close up of a telephone, older model, white and faded to tan.  It rings
several times.  A hand comes in shot and picks up the receiver.  We cut
to the receiver being placed next to an ear.

     VOICE ON PHONE: "Is this the office of the crack comandos that were
                      sent to prison for a crime they didn't commit?"

Camera pulls back to show the face of BRIGADIER LETHBRIDGE-STEWART.  He's
slightly older, some grey in his mustache, added some weight but still
instantly recognizable.

     BRIGADIER: "Yes, yes this is the secret headquarters of the crack
                 comandos that were sent to prison for a crime we didn't
                 commit.  Now how'd did you get this number, its supposed
                 to be unlisted!"

    VOICE:      "Its posted on the sign outside your headquarters..."

    BRIGADIER: "Damn!  That bloody sign again..."


    BRIGADIER: "Oh well, what is it you need?  Yeti's in the loo?"

    VOICE:     "I need to hire your UNIT."

    BRIGADIER [shocked]: "You need to hire my WHAT?"

-excerpt from _Spin-Offs that Never Happened and Why: An Exploration of
 the "UNIT-TEAM" pilot proposal_ by L. Drad

Chris Rednour (gs06cjr@panther.Gsu.EDU> 9/2/99


[Subject: Re: Ace! (the book, that is)]

Mr. Orton wrote:
>>I'm thinking of the stuff like the new Dalek design, the
>> comic strip bits and pieces, and the piccies of Sophie in *that* leather
>> get-up... :-)

Eric  (> wrote:
>You're going to think me...well, something, because that suit does
>NOTHING for me.

You're probably wearing it inside out, then.

Robert Smith? (> 10/2/99


Andy Schock wrote:
>Anybody ever wonder what Davros was doing with that
>one hand tucked ever so succintly in his lap beneath
>his chair/life-support unit?

DAVROS: Perhaps he's right. Perhaps the Daleks are evil... What do you

MR HAT: With their power we could rule the Universe! Production of the
Daleks must continue!

DAVROS: I suppose you're right, Mr Hat.

Daniel Frankham (> 12/2/99


[Subject: Handy Acronyms]

Okay, the amount of traffic through here is as big as ever,
so I thought I'd set my mind to some handy radw-specific
acronyms to ease the flow of conversation. Just cut out this
message along the dotted lines, stick it to the back of a
weetabix box and you too can communicate with the minimum
amount of fuss and bother.

FMD! - Foxstore must die!
ObQA - Obligatory quotefile attempt
RTCOE1OIOTD - Regarding the colourisation of Episode 1 of Invasion of the Dinosaurs
NBHTUIA/AY - New books haven't turned up in Australia/America yet
HSR! - Hey Steve Roberts!
MWCAHKMS - McCoy was crap and he killed my show
PMWGACD! - Paul McGann wasn't given a chance, dammit!
JBIAQJ - Jon Blum is a... well you can presume the rest
LYWKAYF - Like you would know Azaxyr you fascist
TBAC - The books aren't canon
TBAC - The books are canon (these last two could be confusing yet fun)
DASTLOGLN? - Did anyone see the League of Gentlemen last night?
TBBCBAAGATVO - The BBC Books aren't as good as the Virgin ones
TSEWSSALACS - The Scarlet Empress was self-serving and
lacked a coherent story (only to be used if your acronym is WDS)
WDIPTIDOMS? - Where do I put the Infinity Doctors on my shelf?
but it's only to be used by someone calling themselves
'Linda Tripp'
RTL... - Regarding The Lion...
JWUMNBWAWBE - Just wait until my next book when all will be
explained (only to be used if your acronym is DM)
IAJNTF - It's all John Nathan Turner's fault
IAMGF - It's all Michael Grade's fault
IWUACS - It was up against Coronation Street
IWUAR - It was up against Roseanne (no mean position)
MOTRUNITD - My own theory regarding UNIT dating
MOTRWTCSB - My own theory regarding what to call story B
DYMTHOOTPO? - Do you mean the Hartnell one or the Pertwee
one? (see previous entry)
LTPIGAI - Look The Pit is great accept it (only to be used
if your acronym is DB)
IASTIR - I'm American so therefore I'm right (Only to be
used by Christians claiming there was too much sex in the NAs)
SIWPA - Sorry I was pissed again (only to be used if you're
acronym is D-E)

Dr. Evil (> 12/2/99


Bagpuss wrote
>Alden Bates (> wrote:

>>Alden.  (And if you'll buy that, I have this little bridge called
>>"Syndey Harbour Bridge" you might be interested in purchasing...)

>Ten quid all right?

I called Alden yesterday and ordered thirty-two "Syndey Harbour Bridge"s at
ten quid apiece.  Now Alden is trying to withdraw from the offer, saying
that he was actually selling the "Sydney Harbour Bridge" and that the price
of ten quid was advertised incorrectly.

Alden is an absolute bastard who is trying to rip me off!  I gave him my
credit details in good faith, and he is obliged to honour his committment!
A friend of mine got three Eiffel Towers, six Statues of Liberty and the
Great Wall of China for $124.70 (including postage and packaging), but now
Alden wants to renige on his obligations!  I know my rights!

I am going to sue Mr Bates for every penny's worth of financial deprivation,
mental and spiritual anguish which I have or could potentially suffer,
and I
invite anyone else who has suffered from Alden's bottom-of-the-harbour
schemes to join me.


Danny Gooley (> 15/2/99


[Subject: Re: Megabyte Modem]

Nyctolops (> wrote:
>I have here in front of me a print ad which reads, "Experience the New
>1.5 MB Digital Modem Included with the Compaq 5670 computer."  There
>is a website given in the ad:,com so you can check
>it out for yourselves.  I didn't find the same ad there, but my poor
>old system got overloaded while I was looking, so it may be there.
>People can stop bashing Mel for the megabyte modem now.  It actually

If the ad goes on to say "Thrill to the world wide web of mayhem and
intrigue" and "With your megabyte modem, nothing can stop your catharsis
of spurious virtual morality" then I for one would be highly suspicious.

Robert Smith? (> 15/2/99


[Subject: Re: DWM -Jackie Jenkins: lifeless and time wasting]

Philip Craggs wrote
>>>I haven't read the Jackie Jenkins column for months. I read the first
>>>couple inane dribbles and then stopped. It's easily the worst part of
>>>the magazine.

Stuart Manning wrote:
>>I disagree.  Whilst Jackie Jenkins is unconventional to say the least, it
>>wonderful fun.  DWM is no longer a mainstream publication about a TV show.
>>Articles such as this month's fan video overview should make it clear that
>>the magazine is now as much about the fan community as it is the show
>>itself. Jackie Jenkins is at least entirely original, and for that reason
>>alone DWM should be congratulated for running it.  It may not be to
>>everyone's taste, but it makes the magazine a little more diverse, and a
>>little more fun.

Keith Bradbury wrote:
>Yes, but the same could be said if the magazine included pictures of a
>cross-dressing babboon.

"That would only be relevant in the event that the cross-dressing baboon
was a fan," said Ben. "Or had appeared in the series. Or worked on

He froze. Suddenly he was looking at JN-T in a whole new light ...

Ben Woodhams (> 18/2/99


Marks600 (> wrote:
>       Rick Brindell has done it again.  This time it is a
reconstruction of
>the Massacre,  the third season William Hartnell which is the story of
>Steven's departure from the show.

>       Rick Brindell uses captions throughout the reconstruction.  These
>captions help in following the story.  Rick's pictures are first rate.
>are clear as a bell.The soundtrack mis superb throughout, except for some

>       The Massacre is not one of the greatest stories in the Dr. Who
>The basic plot is that the Doctor, Dodo and steven land somewhere in the
>future.  The colonists are using the life force of the savages to keep from
>dying.  The colonists seem to know all about the Doctor and what he does
>where he has gone.  The doctor seems to know what the colonists are doing
>even though we are not told how he knows.

>     Rick Brindell is able to tell the story with pictures, the
soundtrack and
>captions.  A successful reconstruction is one that the viewer can follow
>story.  To that end, Rick has succeeded.

>     Also available is The Smugglers.  I will review that reconstruction
in a
>short while.

Ahh yes, The Smugglers - the one about the
Dr, Steven, and Vicki landing on a dead planet
where two aliens are attempting to escape by
killing each other... Lovely story by William
I can't wait for your review!

Azaxyr (> 20/2/99


Bagpuss (> wrote:
[ On 22 February 1979... ]
> I was born.

So, you were born under the star of "The Armageddon Factor"
(episode 5)...  I wonder what this says about your character?
Perhaps you're one of the "young men, out there", who is "dying
for it".  Perhaps you're the sinister Other.  Perhaps you're
a cockney lower-class Time Lord.  Perhaps, and I realise this
is a long shot, you're the sixth son of the sixth house of
the sixth King of Leeds?

As it happens, it's my birthday this week too.  I'm proud to
say that I was born under "The Web of Fear", episode 3, which
means that I am a classic (but in some need of restoration).
I shamble, I have glowing eyes, I travel frequently on the
London Underground.

Graham Nelson (> 22/2/99


[Subject: Arthur peruses The Face Eater]

(1) You are watching a video of Space 1999.  You fast forward through the
adverts, Thompson-Holiday-Love-Of-This-Fine-Woman, hate it, hate it, hate it,
other nasty ads one after the other,
Roll-Me-Over-In-The-Clover-Rod-Hull-Emu-bleuch, but no matter it's on fast
forward and they're soon gone.  Here's the caption for the show. And not a
moment too soon! You press play. Yer what?? Nothing's happening, it's still
fast-forwarding right into part three.  Oh no! Going to have to minutely
adjust the angle of the remote control and backtrack.  Balls! It's gone back
to Roll-Me-Over-In-The-Clover-Rod-Hull-Emu-bleuch.  Have to fast forward
again, just a *little* bit.  And so on...

It's a bugger when that happens, and 'when that happens', Miss Jones, is
*you* personified.  Given that you are the summation of trivial annoyances
such as that one, why do authors who surely crave public acceptance wilfully
inflict you upon us?  Tricky one that.

Obsession is a terrible thing, and here I am referring to the emotion and not
the perfume (though that's terrible enough - I know it's not supposed to be
tested on animals but they must at least have access to an elephant's
arsehole for comparison purposes, in order to get it *that* authentic) but
I'm sorry to say that it is going to inform this review in a most prejudicial
and pernicious manner.

You see it is universally accepted that Miss Jones is a
bang-on-the-toilet-door-asking-how-long-you're-going-to-be annoyance, and
that Who authors need to rise to this challenge.  Orman and Blum, the home
winemakers, had her grow up a few years and supposedly out of her wretched
teenage Grange-Hill-Idealist excesses.  Mortimore got her possessed thus
usurping said excesses.  Miles just ignored the daft cow.  Now if an author
is going to be so foolhardy as to give free-reign to Miss Jones in her
excruciating essence, as Mr Messingham has done in The Face Eater, then you
must sow what you reap.  Actually, the book isn't all that bad, but sod that!
You have sown Miss Jones and you must reap opprobrium.

(2) You are an old woman in the express checkout of Safeways, Miss Jones.
You have ignored the 'nine items or less' sign and are falteringly unloading
endless boxes of Mr Kipling's Fondent Fancies from your trolley.  People make
half-hearted protestations, but you pretend to be deaf.  When you come to pay
you shakingly transfer the exact change from your purse into the cashier's
hand. You have not yet begun to pack your bags.  It is an express checkout no

Hey, I've got an original setting for a New Adventure!  Let's have this
colony, right? - And let's have it in space, you with me?  Let's recapture
the flavour of the two least compelling stories from the Pertwee era!
That'll get the punters on-side!  Ahem.  I don't think so.

Enigma codes.  Love 'em or hate 'em you can't write a Who book without 'em,
and here we've got some beauties.  One moment please...


Just who *is* this second person narrator?  These colony personnel, they keep
on a-disappearing in a mysterious manner.  Just why is that?  Is Mr. Leary
all *that* bad?  Do we care?

Vampires! That's the name of the game.  Well a variant thereof, but still
vampires and pseudo-scientific vampires at that.  Now I've said before that
you really need the right sort of name to write a vampire book with
authority. Orman and Blum don't have it - they sound like home-winemakers -
but they carried their vampire opus off with aplomb.  More than that.  Two
plombs.  Simon Messingham doesn't have that authority either - a scholarly
tract on Thomas Cromwell would more fit his name - but sadly neither does he
have the capability to carry it off. He is plomb-less. And I'll tell you this
for free (though donations can be posted to the usual address - I've got
kid's to feed, igloos to maintain): you write a vampire book and you're not
called Bram Stoker, you better make sure you've got your plombs readily to
hand or you're gonna come a cropper!  And a cropper Mr Messingham has most
decidedly come.

3) You are trying to make a right turn into the high street.  Vroom to the
left.  Vroom to the right.  No gaps in the traffic, can't pull out yet.
Okay, it's clear on the far side but - no - still cars approaching from the
right, can't pull out yet.  Gonna be late.  Feller behind me's right up me
arse.  Look left, vroom vroom, look right, vroom vroom, can't pull out yet.
The minutes pass. Gonna be late. Until...Yes, there's a gap, I can pull out
now, here goes... But... ah shite! You, Miss Jones, are the lone cyclist in
that gap.  By the time you have huffed and puffed past wearing your stupid
mask and helmet the traffic is chock-a-block again.

Gestalt entities - there's another one.  What's one of those then?  Gonna
have to refer back to any one of the previous Who novels at all ever (with
thanks to 'Harry' Hyperbole) to refresh my memory .  Obadiah originality's
still down the boozer.  Perhaps some little unique touch might entice him
back.  What else have you got to show us Simon?

Wayhay, it's a doomsday device!  Another one!  I said that if I saw any more
of these in a Who book some belly buttons would be untied.  Just as well that
I have an aversion to navel fluff or, more particularly it's unique shade of
blue, or else certain writers would get out of bed one morning and when they
stood up all their skin would drop off.

4) The morning in which your tie will not co-operate.  Either the thin
tapered end protrudes below the fat end or else the reverse is so
emphatically the case that the tie per-se drops below waist level.  You can
have as many attempts to do up the tie as you like, but you'll never get it
right before you have to leave for work.  You, Miss Jones, are that morning.

Ooh-er bit of politics.  Oppressed workforce seeks better conditions from
Capitalist pigs.  Violence escalates.  Not when Miss Jones is around
pur-lease.  It brings out all her worst tendencies.  At least Messingham is
aware of this.  'Eco-Anarchic cant'  is his description.  Pity about the

I mean if Miss Jones had been mercilessly gunned down by the lackey security
forces it would, at least, have provided the type of cathartic release that
has been sorely needed since Adric met his timely demise.  But no, she
escapes. Hides in a skip.  With a lid!  Oh how *very* fancy.  Would Sir like
a lid with his skip?  You don't get lids on skips where I come from, oh no.
Open to the elements they are.  You can't hide in them either, 'cos they're
full of rubble and mattresses and stuff.  I may be putting too much emphasis
on this 'ere skip but it's obsession, see? Anyway the skip's like all the
book's faults in microcosm.  An implausible yet mundane setting with only
eco-anarchic cant to draw the attention.

5) The content of the 'details' box, following a computer General Protection
Fault.  That's *you* that is

I empty the Golden Grahams on the sideboard and crush them with a spoon.  I
take a razor blade and arrange the powder into parallel lines of assorted
lengths.  I have been recommended to do this by Hans, my pseudo-hippie
lodger.  Better than dried banana skin he says, but you've got to crush them
to exactly the right consistency.  If it doesn't work then you haven't done
it right.  I have been driven to apocryphal narcotics, Miss Jones, and I hope
you're satisfied. I roll up a ten-pound note and snort the first line through
it.  One down, one nostril to go.  Second line up.  Plenty more lines should
I need a refresher. There is an effervescence and a violent malty aroma.  I
would like to sneeze but cannot.  Eyes are watering.  Help.  Vision
 Out of control.

The book has been read and I have just inserted some breakfast cereal into my
nose.  Your novel is a real downer, Mr. Messingham.

Art Banana (> 24/2/99


Things overheard in a Dalek singles bar:









Roj Avon (> 25/2/99


Daniel Frankham wrote:
>You know, if he lost a little weight Elvis could probably pull off a
>pretty good Hartnell impersonation these days. (And they were born on
>the same day, too.)

'Strewth!  Elvis was travelling pretty well after all, then!  He looked at
least thirty years younger.

I'm not really convinced about Elvis impersonating Hartnell, though.......

"I'm a cit'zen 'a th' gal'xy, 'n' a gennelman t'boot.  Uh-huh-huh!"

"This ol' body's wear'n a bit thin.....Whoah, little dowgy - it's

Nero: Come now, Maximus - let us hear you play!
Doctor: Verra well, yer Emp'rorship.  But I gotta warn ya, only th' most
r'fined ears can appreciate ma music.......
(sings>    ' Ain't nuthin but a hound dowg-
Nero:  Eaurgghhh!  Throw him to the lions!

Doctor:  Mmmm, cocoa!  Ah'll fix us a drink.
Cameca:  But.... you know the significance of preparing such a drink?
Doctor:  Uh-huh-huh: Hot Chocolate!  I'll get us some cheeseburgers an'
fries as well!

Elvis impersonating Hurndall impersonating Hartnell sounds even scarier:

Tegan:  And who might you be?
Doctor: Ah maght be any numb'r a people......
Susan:  No, grandfather!  That white jumpsuit makes you like quite slim!
Doctor: ..... ' so happens, I am  -  Th' *Doctor*!!!!!
Susan:  You don't need to hold that silly pose anymore, grandfather!

Tegan:  There's nothing to be afraid of.  It's just an empty room!
Doctor: 'Zat so?  Well just you say offa my Red Tile Floor.

Master:  Try it Doctor!  It's as easy as pi!
Doctor:  Why, thangyouverramuch!  I'll have the blueberry.

Danny Gooley (> 26/2/99


[Subject: Canon]

Setting: A virtual reality museum of RADW in the year 2030

(Me> Walks in (with gray hair, dark sunglasses, and silver pseudo-futuristic
clothes) and looks around. Walks up to display case with Red headed goddess
wearing white body armor. The name BBHinson is displayed on a plaque next to
her. On her armor, the PMESB logo stands out brightly, and she holds a
photograph of Paul McGann in her hands. (/ME>

ME: Hello Becky.

(ME> Pats case affectionately. Walks over to display with large robotic
Presses buttons on plaque and gets only a slight jerking motion out of the
robot. (/ME>

ME: Danger-Mouse...

(ME> Moves on to wall lined with various creatures. Walks straight up to
appears to be a twelve year old force fitted into an Ice Warrior outfit.

ME: Azaxyr, I beat you.

(ME> Walks to next display. A woman on ratty clothes sits on a stool. The
Madame Defarge imagery is obvious, as she appears to be knitting
something. A
great big wart stands out prominantly on her upper lip (/ME>

ME: Mariane Desautels, I beat you...

(ME> Walks over to next display. A man is displayed bent over. One of his
is extended and his fingers are clearly engaged in a wriggling motion. He
a sweater with question marks inscribed all over it. An umbrella hangs
from his
extended arm. (/ME>

ME: Jon Blum, I beat you too.

(ME> Walks up to next display where a woman stands with a clearly millitary
style of clothing. On her arm she wears a Nazi like armband, but a female
symbol is on it instead. (/ME>

ME: Caroline Miller

(ME> Makes as if to walk away and then stops in midstride and turns around.


ME: It was a wonderful thread. I used to be irrresistable in those days.
We had
OJ THORNTON, Eric (was SV7) and even the odd post from Jon Blum. I heard
he moved to Oz or something. Maybe he already was from Oz. I don't know.

ME: I remember when the decision was first handed down that the thread would
never be over. Oliver and Caroline yelled for days. We *ALL* yelled for

ME: Canon

ME: canon

ME: cannnnoonnnnnn.....

:All fades to black: :Que debate:

Dastari (> 26/2/99


[Subject: Content of the 30 Canadian reels -- OFFICIAL!]

OK, this came from an OFFICIAL source and so it absolutely cannot be a
hoax, right?  I saw it on a computer screen being passed between a guy
who has spoken a few times with Steve Roberts and a guy who took a
picture of Television Centre once so it has the OFFICIAL BBC seal of

There are 30 reels which contain:


And remember, it's official, cos the BBC said so!  See, it says so
right there!

Grant Goggans (> 3/3/99


[Subject: Re: New movie criteria - part 1 of 10,002.7]

Robert Smith (> wrote:
>- Robert Smith?
>"Stop! Or I'll shoot myself!"

Y'know, that's much more risky to say here than in San Francisco,
Robert. Particularly in your case :-)

Peter Anghelides (> 6/3/99


[Subject: J'Accuse the BBC]

There seems to be a "guilty until proved innocent" attitude among some fans
towards the BBC which can't be positive incitement for *any* producer to
start making a series.

(cut to court transcript>
Judge: You, the British Broadcasting Corporation, stand accused of
hate-crimes against the television show Doctor Who. How do you plead?
BBC: Not guilty.
Fans' solicitor: Objection!
Judge: We haven't even started yet! Hold on....
(long transcription of the charges of "losing Tom Baker", "Adric", "moving
it to a weeknight", "employing Colin Baker", "just resting the show for 18
months", "sacking Colin Baker", "listening to the fans", "not listening to
the fans" and "deliberately and maliciously moving the show against
Coronation Street in the schedule" snipped>
Fans' solicitor: Further more, is it not true that, in the year 1989, you
cancelled the show?
(long transcription of the charge of "grievous franchise harm" snipped>
BBC: We made a TV movie in 1996.
Fans' solicitor: Objection!
Judge (wearily): What is it now?
Fans' solicitor: The film isn't canon
(long transcript of argument amongst the fans legal team snipped>
Fans' solicitor: Your honour, we withdraw the last objection, on the advice
of the PMEB, but would like it noted that the TVM may, or may not, be
regarded as canon and the fact the movie did not lead to a new series is
part of the charges against the defendant.
BBC: We gave a books license to Virgin and since we've got the franchise
back off them we've produced new and missing adventures at the rate of
two a
Virgin NA solicitor: Objection! They can't call them New Adventures.
BBC: sorry, slip of the tongue. Many Eighth Doctor and Previous Doctor
Adventures. Doctor Who has continued in book form for nearly ten years.
Fans' solicitor: I would put it to you that the books are not canon, since
the Virgin ones are all weird and the BBC ones are an off shoot of the
movie, which is not canon.
BBC: but...
Fans' solicitor: further more, you are only doing it to bleed every last
penny out of my gullible clients.
BBC: But we consider it memorable enough with the general public to produce
a 20 minute special for Comic Relief - the only non-contemporary show to
have such a tribute. We've cast one of the most famous comedy actors in it,
along with many fanboys' wet-dream of a companion and a well known Hollywood
"British Bad Guy" (tm) as the Master and we've even got the Daleks in it.
Fans' solicitor: See? They don't even take it seriously anymore!
BBC: We never took it that seriously to start with; it's the fans that are
so obsessive about the show. We like the show, we have...
Fans' solicitor (interrupts): And don't start with the "we have plans for
it" line, we've all heard your sob stories before. You are a habitual
franchise destroyer who regards fans complaints as an occupational hazard.
You honour, you should have no qualms about sending the defendant down
for a
very long time indeed.
Judge: Agreed! (slams gavel down> Call the next case!
Court Usher: The fans versus Chris Carter : deliberate malingering over the
UST and never giving anyone any answers about the aliens either.

Magrat (> 8/3/99


[Subject: Trial of a Squid Lord]

Setting: A large room within the virtual RADW spaceship. In a jurors box sit
many venerable RADWers. Among them are Slink, Robert Smith? and Jon Blum.
Seated on one side of the Room is Dastari in his trademark quasi futuristic
clothing. On the other side sits BBHinson wearing all black. Sitting in the
judges chair is Caroline Miller dressed in white. Finally, OJ THORNTON walks
into the room wearing robes that have various arcane physics symbols
printed on

Caroline Miller: Dastari, do you have any more evidence in you defense?

Dastari: No madam I do not. However, I will say that all of the Hanson's
evidence is an out and out forgery and it is not what actually happened.

Caroline Miller: So you still maintain that the canon has been tampered

Dastari: Much of the Jim Henson's evidence goes against my own memory.
Ergo, it
did not happen.

Caroline Miller: Because you have continued with these accusations, I have
brought the Keeper of the Canon here. (Addressing OJ THORNTON> Keeper, is it
possible for someone to tamper with the canon?

OJ THORNTON: No, it is not. Only I have the Key of the CanonTM. The only
that anyone enters it is when a new poll has been taken and neccesary
adjustments must be made. No one can retcon anything without my knowledge.

Dastari: But a key can be copied.

OJ THORNTON: Ah...yes, but it wouldn't have the TM.

Caroline Miller: Dastari, you have been charged with killing the Christmas
Squid Thread. Do you have anything at all more to say in your defense?

Dastari: Only that someone has retconned the events that we've seen at this
trial. The only way that they could have done this is with access to the

Caroline Miller: The only way to challenge evidence from the canon is to
produce witnesses. Can you do that Dastari?

Dastari: Any witnesses that I might produce are spread all throughout
time and
Cyberspace. How could I bring them here.

BBHinson: He's stalling Sagitarius. Don't let him confuse you. The
evidence is
conclusive. Dastari has killed the Christmas Squid Joke. In accordance with
Article 7, he must be sentenced to death. The PMESB no how to deal with him.

:In burst Charles Daniels and Vick3ie:

Dastari: Victoria. Daniels, what are you doing here?

Charles Daniels: Well, we just arrived here.

Vick3ie: Das, what have you gotten into?

Dastari: Das?!

Caroline Miller: I must know how you got here.

:A figure in black appears on the screen behind the jurors:

Simon Marsh: I sent them.

Dastari: Oh no, now I really am in trouble.

Simon Marsh: I knew that you would need them as witnesses Dastari. I have
watched this trial with great amusement, but I felt that I needed to
to see justice done.

Dastari: Madame, please don't listen to a word this man says. He doesn't
believe in justice. He'd kill me in an instant.

Simon Marsh: To true Dastari, but I cannot countenance a rival.

BBHinson: Sagitarius, don't believe what this man says. We don't know how he
got here. As for Daniels, we can't believe a word that he says either.
The man
is a known philanderer.

Vick3ie: But not me! I'm as truthful and weird as they come.

Simon Marsh: You pretend not to know me BBHinson. Still, let Daniels speak.

Caroline Miller: Sex offenders are known to tell the truth when their own
interests are not at stake.

Dastari: Daniels. Daniels!

Charles Daniels: (Turns away from wall depicting nudes> You know, I could
you a lot for this...

Dastari: Just answer my question. Last time we met, you were interested
in a
box. What was in that box?

Charles Daniels: It was secrets that the Bookwriters knicked from the Canon.
(Points at Marsh> He said that there was a big market for the stuff.

OJ THORNTON: The Canon. My Canon?

Daniels: It seems that they were taking the stuff for years.

Dastari: And they were based in the Brain of Morbius thread.

Daniels: That was their cover you see. They knew that one day someone would
trace the leak. The High Council of RADWers used a kil something or other

Dastari: A Killfile?!

Daniels: Thats it. To take that thread and move it where no one would
ever see

Dastari: Thats what started the flamewar that put it in the
Answerable/Unanswerable FAQ. The Oldest Civilisation on the net, and look at
us. I should have stayed here. All the evils that I've fought, Star Trek,
Babylon 5, Blake's 7; they're like children compared to us.

Simon Marsh: You have an endearing quality to just blunder into threads
Dastari, and the High Council used that to their advantage. They used the
BBHinson, or as I've always known her, Dastari to prosecute you, so that the
knowledge of that thread would be lost forever.

Dastari: Wait just a minute, did you just say that you've always known
her as

Simon Marsh: There is some evil in all of us. BBHinson is an amalgamation of
all your darkest natures from somewhere between your twelth and final screen

Dastari: Madame, even under Squid Lord law it must be impossible for the
accused to be both prosecutor and defendant.

Caroline Miller: I don't care, this trial is still just to verify your
guily or

(BBHinson runs behind Dastari and out of the trial room>

(Just as she leaves, she turns and says>

BBHinson: Nothing can stop the Catharsis of your Spurious Morality.

Dastari (> 8/3/99


I rarely do this cause I'm not good with getting things to fit right
really but here is my version of The Power Of Love by Huey Lewis
And the News, as is famous from the film "Back To The Future"

                             THE POWER OF KROLL

Power of Kroll is a curious thing
Make a one man weep, make another man sing
Change a squid to a god up above,
More than a feeling, that's the power of Kroll

Tougher than rubber, beaks that scream
Stronger and harder than tentacles dream
Make a bad one good, make a wrong one right
Power of Kroll that keeps you home at night

You don't need swampies don't take fame
Don't need no sonic screw to ride this train
It's long and it's slow and it's cruel sometimes
But it might just bore your wife
That's the power of Kroll
That's the power of Kroll

First time you see it, it might make you sad
Next time you see it, it might drive you mad
But you'll be glad Doctor when you've found
That's the power makes Magna go round

Ain't don't need swampies don't take trap
Don't need no sonic screw to write this crap
It's long and it's slow it can be cruel sometimes
But it might just kill your life

(They say that all of Kroll is fair......................)
They say that all of Kroll is fair, yeah but you don't care
(You know what to do....................................)
But you know what to do when it gets hold of you
And with a tentacle from above
You feel the power of Kroll
You feel the power of Kroll
Can you feel it?

It don't take swampies, it don't take skill
Don't need no sonic screw to write this swill
Tougher than rubber and stronger than krill
But you won't feel nothin' 'til you feel
You feel the power of Kroll
Just feel the power of Kroll
That's the power, that's the power of Kroll
You feel the power of Kroll..................(ad lib.)

Charles Daniels (> 11/3/99


[Subject: Re: Programma Guide Serial AAA (Great Balls of Fire!)]

Charles Daniels (> wrote:
>>Viewers' Quotes -

>>"The fact they [lust replicas] so FIRMLY resembled fashion models and
>>yet were completely devoid and taken from context of lude magazines
>>made them all the more real!"  - Chris Punk (1979)

William December Starr (> wrote:
>"Lude magazines?"

Magazines featuring pictures of people being loud and nude?

The Tegan or Peri or Tom Baker pictures might be all right, but it's the
thought of the Brian Blessed centrefold that has me shuddering.

Robert Smith? (> 12/3/99


[Subject: Re: Doctor Who: The Great Sexual Turn On?]

>I do, actually, have a friend who lost his virginity while watching DW.

And how many of us lost our virginity while thinking about Doctor Who?

"What would the Doctor do in a situation like this? No, probably not

"I'll bet that's how Romana looked in the nuddie, too."

"Jesus Christ, it's a Vervoid!"

"I feel just like Erato in _The Creature from the Pit_ episode 2."

"This reminds me of when that big plant monster ate that Sontaran in
_The Invasion of Time_, and then spat him out looking all wet and

Daniel Frankham (> 12/3/99


[Subject: Re: COFD: Wonder how non-fans saw it?]

Philip Craggs wrote:
>The non-fans i talked to loved it. Mainly because it lived up to all
>their expectations and re-enforced all the sterotypes which is just what
>the Beeb wanted, so they can turn public opinion back against it and
>finish off the programme for good. I agree with you about Hugh Grant

This is very true. In 1992, for instance, Australia's ABC played a
lengthy Doctor Who sketch on a program called "The Late Show". Soon,
Doctor Who was relegated to the early hours of the morning, and then,
to oblivion... Soon after, half a dozen attempts to make a Doctor Who
movie ended in failure... The relationship, I think, is obvious.

Lenny Henry did a long Doctor Who sketch in c1986. Within three years,
the series would be cancelled.

In 1979, Destiny of the Daleks took the piss out of regeneration, and
the Daleks. Less than two years later, stars Tom Baker and Lalla Ward
would divorce...

Spike Milligan did a Doctor Who sketch in the mid 70s. Soon, Doctor
Who would be targeted by the NVALA, and reduced to the ridiculous camp
comedy of season 17... And William Hartnell died.

In 1965, radio show "I'm Sorry, I'll Read That Again" did a sketch
called "Dr Why and the Thing". Years later, the BBC would mercilessly
exterminated as many of the episodes from this era as they could...

You can't argue with that!

Daniel Frankham (> 18/3/99


[Subject: Re: PanoptiCon 1999]

Gareth Thomas wrote:
>In that case why not try Newcastle?

Becaue you wouldn't be able to sell any copies of Short Trips, or More Short
Trips. That would be taking Cole's to Newcastle. Do you see?

Dave Owen 18/3/99


[Subject: Re: Missing Story Audios]

M.R. Michael wrote:
>>>Does anyone know who is doing the linking narration for 'The Massacre'?
>>>kind of hope it's Paul McGann (altho' Tom would be nice).

Richard Bignell (> wrote:
>>Personally, I think it would be much better if they used a
>>narrator that had absolutely nothing to do with the programme.
>>The excellent 'Inspector Morse' soundtrack tapes do this and
>>it works very well indeed.

Graham Nelson wrote:
>Hear, hear.  As I've suggested before, how about Michael Jayston?
>He has a distinctive voice, does quite a bit of audio book work,
>and hardcore fans can imagine that this is the Valeyard speaking
>if that cheers them up of a winter's night.

"And so, I refused to save her. I took off in the TARDIS, leaving her
to her almost certain doom on the end of a bloody knife already dulled
by the flesh of thousands of her kind. Bwha. Bwhahahahahahaha!
'Nothing must be allowed to stop the catharsis of spurious morality!'
I said to Steven, when he objected. But he wouldn't listen, so I left
him there, too, the young fool, to be slaughtered with the rest of
them. What? Of course it happened that way. The Matrix cannot lie!
Here, stop it, I care not a jot for your pox-ridden, putrescent
script, the prose of which stinks like the half-rotted gangrenous
limbs of a syphilitic leper, that's the way it bloody well happened!
Don't touch that bloody micropho--"

Daniel Frankham (> 19/3/99


[Subject: Re: Attn: Steve Roberts - reconstructions]

bart t lammey (> wrote:
>Ooh, maybe like David Banks' Iceberg you could set the missing ep in the
>perspective of a Cyberman--course, maybe this would work better with the
>Moonbase or something, I dunno.  Basically a Cyberman adrift in space
>relaying his 'report' about the missing episode...

"...and so, Leader, we would have got away with it if it had not
been for those pesky meddling kids.  They have no function.
They must be... destroyed."

Graham Nelson (> 20/3/99


Andrew wrote:
>>Just watched the Two Doctors after having read Gary Gillatt's essay on the
>>violence of Season 22, and have to totally agree with him about the death
>>There is no plot reason for his death - he does not die in any cause - not
>>even protecting Anita, which would have made sense.  Seconds after he has
>>passed on, Jamie is shouting about the 2nd Doc and the 6th Doc is
>>man-handling his other self from the restaurant.  Only Peri is affected by
>>his death (even though she hardly knew him), but all this is quickly
>>dispensed with once Chessene arrives with a gun.
>>The only possible 'reason' for Oscar's death is to show how nasty Shockeye
>>is, but considering this is the final episode and we already know how
>>Shockeye is, it seems a bit pointless.

>>I just find it sad that a great writer like Holmes had to include the
>>needless death of a character.

Quite simply, you do not understand what is happening in the death of Oscar

Oscar represents the artistic, non-violent, pacifistic Doctor Who fan who is
confronted by greedy, glutonous capitalists (probably a reference to
Thatcher's era), which have altered what Doctor Who originally stood for.
Notice too the gay subtext in Jamie's discussion with the Sixth Doctor.
And  notice the predication of the Dark Doctor references that would soon
arise during the Seventh Doctor's era, where the Sixth Doctor obviously
knows what's going  on in Peri's head, but decides to eat cats instead (a
reference to the Musical  CATS!, and the death of art again). This all
leads to the obvious conclusion  that if you don't read into this story
all of these references, you are a homophobe bigot and probably eat meat

Keith Bradbury 20/3/99


Robert Smith? (> wrote:
>You know, when I first glanced at this post, I thought you were proposing
>to rename the first few stories after later ones (ala The Mutants):

>Serial A: The Savages
>Serail B: The War Machines

>What's spooky is that it really seems to work :-)

Serial C: The Smugglers. The TARDIS crew smuggle large quantities of
hallucinogens from the radioactive wastes of Skaro to 13th century
China. Unfortunately, the drugs escape into the air supply and cause
the crew to stumble around muttering incoherently about melted clocks
and springs.

Conrad (> 21/3/99


[Subject: Re: Fan myths?]

David Brider (> wrote:
>>>>My personal favourite is the one where they swear blind that "Attack of
>>>>Cybermen" *wasn't* written by Ian Levine and Eric Saward under an
>>>>myth confirmed by the In-Vision release on that story, which was
>>>>around the same time as the book in question.

David J Howe (> wrote:
>>> Why do you assume that IN VISION is correct?

KJ Mobberley wrote:
>>He doesn't. Rather, you assumed that he'd made such an assumption, without
>>any tangible evidence at all.

David Brider (> wrote:
>Well, actually I *did* assume that In Vision was correct (something I
>thought was pretty obvious from my original posting), and I still do, to be
>honest [....]

And so on, and on, and on ....

Look, I haven't wanted to say anything until now, but
since it's obviously become such a big deal to people --

It's been awfully nice of Eric and Ian and Paula to cover
for me all these years, but the fact is, *I* wrote "Attack
of the Cybermen."  I was young, I needed the money.  Sorry
for the confusion.  I'm especially sorry about all the
fanwanky continuity bits.

Fortunately, the BBC never produced the next script I
wrote for them, the *really* fanwanky one where I revealed
that the Doctor was half-human and had him fall in love.
Would have been really embarassing if *that* one had gotten
out.  It's probably still in some filing cabinet at the
Beeb somewhere.

Michael J. Montoure (> 22/3/99


Daniel Frankham wrote:
>>And what happens when the Logopolitans need to go to the lavatory? Does it
>>affect the running of Logopolis if they do number 1s or number 2s?

It gets woven into the very fabric of the universe.

This is in fact the technical reason why Shit Happens.

(and why it never rains but it pours)

Danny Gooley 22/3/99


Chris Rednour (gs06cjr@panther.Gsu.EDU) wrote:
>Hmm...would we all agree to follow WOTAN and let him lead us if he
>promised new episodes of Doctor Who...?

Free will, or doctor who. Free will, or Doctor Who....

Lord, why must you tempt me so? :)

Shadows (> 24/3/99


>>You left out the biggest mistake in the whole story:
>>WHY oh WHY oh WHY are the Cybermen so sensitive to gold anyway?

>Why are vampires so sensitive to garlic?  To an extent the "why" doesn't
>matter, it's just a plot device - and one which I must admit to being quite
>partial to.

>Until the idea degenerates to the point where shouting "Gold!" in a
>Cyberman's general direction is enough to give it a metal breakdown.

You mean you never saw the cut scenes from Silver Nemesis where Mrs
takes out a whole Cyberpatrol with her American Express Gold Card?

Or the other classic moment...

(Inside Windsor Crypt)

Cyberliutenant: Leader. I have found a piece of primitive Earth technology.

(It is a small television set)

Cyberleader: It is irrelevant.
Cyberlieutenant: I shall activate it.

(Switches on, waits as screen warms up)

Announcer: And now, on UK Gold...
Cybermen: Akk! Cough!!!!

(A shadowy figure slips away, chuckling...)

Rob White (> 24/3/99


[Subject: Re: Who liked the TV MOVIE? i didn't!]

Rayctate (> wrote:
>I found Doctor Who 1996 to be one of the best episodes of the series.
>It's on the level of Enlightenment

Erm right. I don't know if that's an insult to the TV Movie, or

Marcus Durham (> 30/3/99


[Subject: Re: Well Mannered War "Changing Face Joke" error?]

With the incumbent Doctor, (usually Pertwee in this case) "The
Changing Face" said how he changed into his current form as seen on
BBC-TV.  With past Doctors (Hartnell/Troughton) "The Changing Face"
said how that particular Doctor met their sticky end. Thus, in '74 for
the Troughton and Pertwee books, you had more or less the same
"Changing Face" blurb ("who changed his form when the Time Lords
exiled him to earth") since Pertwee was still current. (Curiously
Tom's "Changing Face" in Giant Robot just says "portrays the Fourth

So Gareth wasn't wrong since by 1997, the books could now read:

For Hartnell:
"The cover portrays the likeness of the First DOCTOR WHO, who changed
his form when saving the earth from the Cybermen"

For Troughton:
"The cover portrays the likeness of the Second DOCTOR WHO, who changed
his form when the Time Lords exiled him to earth"

For Pertwee:
"The cover portrays the likeness of the Third DOCTOR WHO, who changed
his form when he destroyed the Great Spider of Metebelis III"

For Tom Baker:
"The cover portrays the likeness of the Fourth DOCTOR WHO, who changed
his form when he fell from a high tower saving the universe from the

For Davison:
"The cover portrays the likeness of the Fifth DOCTOR, who changed his
form when he encountered a deadly toxin while saving his companion on
Androzani Minor"

For Colin Baker:
"The cover portrays the likeness of the Sixth DOCTOR, who changed his
form when, depending on who you believe, he fell from his exercise
cycle when the TARDIS crash landed, or a future incarnation
maliciously did him in to save us all from his blustering."

For McCoy:
"The cover portrays the likeness of the Seventh DOCTOR, who changed
his form when he stepped out of the TARDIS into a hail of bullets
without looking at the scanner. Some all-knowing manipulative chess
player, eh? Stupid git."

repeat McCoy's for McGann, or use "The cover portrays the likeness of
the Eighth Doctor. Phwoaar!"

Graeme Burk (> 30/3/99


[Subject: Arthur peruses Demontage]

Top of the list of things I'd never wondered about Pandora until now is her
observational skill.  How would she have fared in the Ask the Family
'Identify that object' round?  Who indeed would she have been paired with?
Mother? Youngest child?  I'll tell you one thing for free ( I'll claw it all
back through advertising revenue - never you worry): she might have been a
whiz at identifying a potato peeler from a macroscopic photograph but that
time she opened her box, no way could she have distinguished one thing from
another, what with all the horrors being simultaneously released into the
world.  Far too much going on at once for her to identify the noxious
abomination drifting off to her left as the 'mentality that changes Opal
Fruits to Starburst' whilst simultaneously recognising the putrid vapour
pouring out the window for the 'Chris Evans audience' that it was.  She
assuredly would not have noticed one minor abhorrence that discreetly
emanated from the rear of the box and has proved an irritant ever since.
That abhorrence was the 'Knock Knock' joke. Being the 'knock knock' joke in
archetype it contained within it the particular sub-category 'Knock Knock
jokes about someone called Justin.'

inu tes-of-crimewatch etc. etc. ad infinitum.

That leads me on to one of life's little absurdities: that there have ever
been expectant couples in the world who have included the line 'If it's a boy
we'll call it Justin' in their pillow talk.  I mean 'Justin' - like
'Ivor'  - is a name that only exists to further the cause of the 'Knock
Knock' joke.
It must be a horrible burden to actually be called it. The resentment must
linger at the fringes of consciousness, ever gnawing at the attention span,
ever stifling creativity.

Which leads me to Dr. Johnson and his juggling dog.  When someone called
Justin writes a book we do not expect it to be any good.  We marvel at the
fact that he has managed to write a book at all.

So when someone called Justin writes a book called Demontage and it turns out
to be really quite good we pinch ourselves to make sure we are not dreaming
(although only last week I had a dream that I wasn't pinching anything which
disorientated me for a while); and then pinch ourselves some more, this time
just for the tactile pleasure of it.

For me Justin's book was a Two Pruner.  This measurement of a book's capacity
to divert has worked wonders for me to date.  I enter the bath with a book
and a ruler and upon completion I measure the troughs in the prune-formations
that have appeared on my toes, working out an average score in millimetres.
Demontage scored two.  That is as nothing compared to the likes of the
Scarlet Empress that proved beyond prune-measure - in that case the skin on
my toes became so expansively pliant that it swished around the bath
water in great fronds - but it is still a respectable score.

Which leads me to the better class of British Public House.  Here you can
choose from a selection of beer.  At the top of the range there are the guest
ales: cask-conditioned bitters and stouts, bearing adventurous and enigmatic
appellations such as 'Cranium Dissolver' and 'Seven Farting Popes'.
Unchilled, unpasteurised and quite unpalatable to the less discerning
customer, these ales are veritable nectar to the enlightened.  Demontage does
not correspond to one of these guest ales: only such masterworks as Alien
Bodies and The Scarlet Empress warrant this.  Neither though does Demontage
correspond to the bottom of the range, the watered down piss-poor British
lagers and keg-bitters drunk by vulgarly dressed casuals on the pull, the
companion ales to The Pit, The Eight Doctors and War of The Daleks.  No,
Demontage is your classic house beer, your pint of the usual, Your
Theakstons, Bass or Boddingtons. Still a real ale but one which has been
chilled and pressure-pulled through a sparkler.  Not a beverage for your
connoisseur but nevertheless agreeable, and consistent in quality from one
week to the next.  A Justin Richard's book will not broaden your taste
horizon; but you do know what you are going to get.

For his malt wort, Justin uses a formulaic storyline albeit a capable one
that is refreshingly free of doomsday devices and gestalt entities.  A
pleasure palace in space inhabited by gangsters, thieves and assassins is
certainly *very* familiar to the palate.  This is exacerbated by Justin's
introduction of yeast strains  that derive from The Picture of Dorian Grey,
The Dice Man, Casino Royal and countless others but ultimately fail to give
the brew its own particular distinction.  Justin hops the brew with some
sympathetic yet unremarkable characters.  The Eighth Doctor, as someone
mentioned in the Finn Clark thread, appears to be consolidating his
personality - no longer Doctor Identikit but now Doctor Congenital Idiot.
Fitz is still early era Woody Allen, this time as he appeared in the film
version of Casino Royale.  Miss Jones, thankfully, is not indulged with
right-on wisecracks.  Indeed, she spends some time trapped inside a painting
unable to move, which is very gratifying, though I can't help wishing that
Justin had just let the paint dry.  Justin pulls his brew through the
sparkler of a 'good novel by rote' narrative including extensive use of the
the Scooby Doo temporary setback

come-cras hing-in-on-roller-skates' device.

All in all a book which left me in a state of semi-morphosis.  I was still
essentially the same person I was before but had acquired the hairstyle of
chef Gary Rhodes, only not on my head.  This afforded my wife and I two
consecutive nights of uninterrupted amusement. For such frolics I hereby
thank Justin Richards - Bulk-brewer and 'Knock-Knock' joke archetype.

Art Banana (> 31/3/99


[Subject: Re: The trolls are winning!!]

(> wrote:
>Over the last few days this group has been practically over-run with
>trollers. People have stopped posting and reading this group anymore. I say
>the only thing we can do is tell the trolls they've won and hope it will
>satisfy them ...

Thank you, Mad Dan.

Dave Stone, here, reporting from the front lines, and I can tell you
that the casualties are enormous. Look at this chap over here, for
example - coming down the stairs in his vest, making a cup of tea,
lighting a fag, scratching his arse, logging on and saying to himself
'My word, there seem to be a few more than the usual wankers around this
morning ...'

Oh, the humanity!

Now if you turn the camera that way, Jerry, I think we can see ... yes!
There they are, our first real sighing of the so-called Troll Army as
they pop their noses over the ridge. They seem to be clustering round
this Great Twat character of theirs in some confusion. I don't think
they quite anticipated the level of blank indifference, ridicule and
flat-out contempt thrown at them by our own plucky lads. I think, if we
turn up the mike, we can even pick up what the Great Tway's saying ...


Commanding stuff, as I'm sure you'll agree. We now have to go back to
Mad Dan 'I really thought I'd get away with it' Trolltrundler in the
studio. We'll be back soon, with an exclusive interview with Brigadeer
'they don't like it up em' Lethbridge-Stewart on the state of our own
damned fine chaps' morale.

So for the moment, this is Dave Stone saying, to any of the Great
Delusional Army listening in: we're better than you, we're *funnier*
than you, and we can keep this going long after you should be up in that
pit you call your bedroom and worrying about your S.A.T's. A career in
the point-of-sale delivery of Kentucky Fried Chicken awaits. Goodnight.

Dave Stone (> 31/3/99


 - Robert Smith?

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