The rec.arts.drwho Quote File - July 1995

Courtesy of Christopher D. Heer

So blame him if you don't like it! ( Mail Chris )

[message from someone who rarely posts]

>Is rec.arts.drwho getting dull? >Yes. >Its like a comedy series in its second year, same old jokes, same old >ideas. >I'm going away to think about what to do. Yes, well, we'll miss all those posts from you.

- Christopher D. Heer, 1st July 1995 (cheer@isisph.com)

Are you frustrated and upset with life?

Is there a net personality(tm) that has so peeved you off that even kill-filing them is not enough?

Has some shmuck in a local video store forgotten to order THE who tape you have been waiting months to see?

Then have we got the solution for you. Spumco productions (a wholey owned subsidiary of Krusty Inc.) now presents the R.A.DW FRUSTRATION FIGURES(tm).

Yes FRUSTRATION FIGURES(tm), nearly indestructable, made up of left over plastic from some plastic factory (sold by a nice man named Channings) in the UK and now available in this limited time offer.

They are 100% flame proof (just like their real life counterparts) and each has their own charming qualities.

The Ya-Hoo Yads(tm) doll is bendy and stretchy and can totally warp the english language to a point where it is indistinguishable from a naked singulairity.

The Jiltin' Jill(tm) doll has a rock hard skin and dogma to match. Well reasoned arguments bounce off her like raisins off an Oldsmobile(c).

The Silly Segs(tm) doll has an ever changing argument, with it's nuteflon(tm) coating makes it hard to pin down to any one argument in fact he may be arguing your point if you're not careful...

What will these cost you, in the short term only 19.99 in non-sequential dollar bills please, and in the long run who knows...maybe your sanity. :-)

Order now and often, (we already have a large order from the US army as practice dummies for Marine training scenarios and ballast for their ships).

FRUSTRATION FIGURES(tm) another fine product from SPUMCO(tm) :-)

- Tom McCambley, 2nd July 1995 (tmccambl@css.carleton.ca)

Dave the Dave writes:

|READY THE 1 GIGATONNE NUCLEAR WARHEAD!!!!

Now listen up, I say listen up, son. It'd be a shameful, I say shameful, waste of plutonium to use it all up in one big kaboom like that. If you want to kill a bunch of chickens, you need to MIRV, I say MIRV, that gigaton over a wide range of targets in smaller (1 megaton or even) smaller increments.

Now skedaddle and work through your nuclear physics texts, son. You're bothering me. I've got to figure out how to get this here orbital mass driver aloft, so I can give that pesky dog one dandy of a wake-up call, if you know what I mean!

- Foghorn "The Admiral" Leghorn (Mike Zecca), 3rd July 1995 (mwzecca@ouray.cudenver.edu)

Paul Cornell wrote:

>Just a note to say that I'll be in Rochester, NY from 5th-15th August, >apart from the weekend of 12th-13th, when I'll be doing a signing in >Minneapolis. From 16th-18th August, I'll be in Toronto. The preceding announcement has occasioned a kind of mass hysteria in the DW fans of North America. Grown men have wept. Genteel women have thrown punches. The Atlanta Falcons won away. Clearly, the moment has arrived to announce the Paul Cornell Fan Club of North America (PCFCNA).

CAN YOU ANSWER YES TO ANY OF THE FOLLOWING STATEMENTS?

Did you, long ago in an English summer?
Do you carry your cup of tea around like a sacrament?
Do you like owls?

..then what are you waiting for??? Sign up *now*!!! Just tear out the application form (printed between the lines on page 15 of any of Paul's Virgin novels), and send it in today!!!

MEMBERSHIP PRIVILEGES

Chance to touch the hem of Paul's garment and have your prose style healed
2. One in 10,000 chance of being Best Man/Matron of Honor/token virgin at Bernice Summerfield's wedding (subject to availability)
3. Right to buy Paul a pint of lager at the Tavern(TM) in London
4. Guest appearance as a tiresome ten-year-old in Paul's next "Bugs" script
5. Get first viewing of Paul's postings to r.a.dw, before he even sends them! (So you alone will get to find out what's in his latest book before everyone else gets to find out on r.a.dw what's in it before everyone else gets to read it when it's published!)
6. Your own personal unpublished chapter from one of Paul's books
7. Discounted membership of the "Kate Orman is a Godess" fan society. (This is a triple first: the first fan club for Kate, the first club for a woman fan, and the first fan club of its kind in the Antipodes.) NB: this offer does not apply to chickens or warthogs.

SPECIAL NOTE

Non-members of the NA will be forbidden to comment favorably on Paul or his many works in r.a.dw in future. Punishment for infringement is severe: each month, transgressors will be placed in a sealed room, into which a group of starved Mandrels will subsequently be released to tear them apart - their arms, their legs, their everything. (This may seem cruel, but after a few months the Mandrels should get used to it.)

AND REMEMBER

All those rumors you heard are false, repeat false. If you read the first letters from each sentence in the last chapter of Human Nature backwards, they do *not* spell out "Paul is dead". Nor will the cover of Happy Endings feature a picture of Paul walking barefoot across a road carrying an unfeasibly large belt of machine gun bullets and holding his arms in an anaotomically improbable position. (These stories have been repeatedly confirmed by the Lofficiers as an unsubstantiated rumors on several previous occasions.)

Peter Anghelides

Coordinator and Chief High Councillor of PCFCNA

PS: Jon Pertwee has kindly agreed to be Honorary Lifetime President.

- Peter Anghelides, 3rd July 1995 (anghelides@vnet.ibm.com)

Here follows an account of a slightly...bizarre dream I had last night. I wave all manner of flags in it's general direction to prevent any responsibility, blame, or legal action being taken regarding it's content ; this is what getting a summer job as a security guard does to one's state of mind. Probably. Hmm. Maybe I could make an NA submission out of it. Authors in NAs...self referential awareness....hmm, yes, Chesterfield...*wanders off, mumbling*

THE DREAM (tentatively entitled, "QUACK, QUACK ALL MY DUCKY DARLINGS")

A large room, painted white. All manner of assorted rubbish is piled in orderly chaos - alarm clocks, inflatable moose enlargers, hand operated electric teeth - and a rocking chair rocks alone and silent in one corner. I enter, clutching a saucepan - I know this is a new bookshop which opened today, and I'm eager to see what they have.

Approaching a small cardboard box, I kneel down and rip off the lid (my saucepan disappears at this point, unnoticed). Inside, to my inexplicable delight, is packed full of NAs. Inexplicable, because I haven't actually read that many and wasn't particularly thrilled with those I have. At that moment, words drift gently from just behind my left shoulder. "I'm sorry," says a crisply accented female voice, "Could you help me rotate this parsnip?"

Quickly, I turn around and see a small woman that I immediately recognise as Kate Orman - and this is where things begin to take a turn for the peculiar (or, depending on your point of view, the even more peculiar). For a start, I only know the name Kate Orman through this newsgroup. I've never read any of her books, or seen any pictures, or anything. Why she should therefore turn up in my dream, or, indeed, why I should immediately recognise her is a complete mystery to me.

She's dressed in a long red garment that's either a ballgown or a bathl, has long red hair, and, curiously, a long red face. The general impression is that of an animate traffic cone. I reply that , alas, I'm too busy reading the NAs. "Oh," she blinks. "I write them, you know. If I had some money, I'd buy a few for my mother."

"Never mind!" cry I, "I'll read one to you!" So saying, I grab the nearest one and begin to read. It's apparently called "MOIRE" and is written by David Someone-That-I-Can't-Recall. Indeed, the only thing that I /can/ recall about the book is that it revealed the Doctor was the fourth person to own the TARDIS.

Tremendously excited by this, I begin a tirade on how /this/ is the sort of stunning, original, and yet /traditional/ revelation that fans want to read about. Waving the tome beneath Miss Orman's nose, I rant that it's the sort of thing /she/ might want to try writing about, instead of all this "chicken and warthog nonsense."

(REMINDER : I've never /read any/ of her books. At all! Honestly!)

She seems chastened. Promising to do so at once, she crawls away, leaving me alone in the shop. In the distance, a cacophany of clocks chime the hour.

Long ago.

In a Scottish bookshop.

. finis .

- Mark Hunter, 3rd July 1995 (markhu@castle.ed.ac.uk)

[but then, Paul Cornell decided to critique the dream. . . ]

> She's dressed in a long red garment that's either a ballgown or a >bathtowel, has long red hair, and, curiously, a long red face. The >general impression is that of an animate traffic cone. I reply that , >alas, I'm too busy reading the NAs. "Oh," she blinks. "I write them, you >know. If I had some money, I'd buy a few for my mother." So, this long, red, thing is asking you about parsnips, and you tell it that you're too busy reading NAs. If we conclude that the NAs represent childish things (they are boxed up as old toys are), then 'Kate' is your libido. She asks something of you (in a very sidelong way, involving overtones of both prostitution and motherhood), and instead of answering her demand directly, you dive back into childhood and offer to ttake her back there also. It's a typical 'edge of experience' dream. Something, possibly exams, possibly a sexual relationship, is about to take you over a precipice, and your unconscious is working out your fears of it in asafe way. Kate's appearance as both penile/matronly is a dead giveaway.

Or it could be that stilton you had befor bedtime.

- Paul Cornell, 4th July 1995 (paul@cornell.demon.co.uk)

[and then. . . Dave McKinnon]

> Here follows an account of a slightly...bizarre dream I had last night. Yes. I know.

> THE DREAM (tentatively entitled, "QUACK, QUACK ALL MY DUCKY DARLINGS") [dream sequence snipped]

> *cough* Well. There you have it. If you've any idea what it /means/, >please don't hesitate to illumine us. Me. Whoever. This is not a dream. It's not a premonition.

It is the future.

*I* will write the book _MOIRE_, and get a few copies of it bound in the *exact* same style as Virgin. I shall leave them in a box by your side at a convention in Melbourne, Australia, which *YOU* will attend. You will find this box, open it, read the book, and wave it under Ms. Orman's nose in precisely the way described in this dream.

And you will frighten her away from writing any more NAs! Ever! *YOU* shall take the blame for this horrific crime, while *I* will seize the opportunity created by her departure to write tons of worthless NAs, which will nonetheless sell terrifically, make me an untold fortune, and grant me an entirely new cycle of regenerations! Bwahahaha!

- David "Deadly Assassin" McKinnon, 5th July 1995 (mckinnon@math.berkeley.edu)

>When the concept of the NA's was first mooted I was quite >excited but on reading a few of the novels I must admit I fast lost >interest. In my reply to Nick's posting, I intend to use the following symbol to denote this phrase: 'What a load of obvious rubbish! You have the same opinions as everybody else on the planet, apart from the tiny percentage of people who happen to be right': @

>You see, Doctor Who was an excellent @

science fiction

series (most >of the time). I have a great deal of it on Video tape and take >great pleasure in watching it however the translation from screen to >page has been a bit of a disappointment. >These books are frankly mediocre @

, if I want to spend 10 to 12 hours reading a book there are acres of better books to read (a veritable jungle of >undisputed greats of world literature which could enrich my life). If I >want to read great science fiction I will read Lian Banks (sic)

>or Robert A. Heinlein @@@@@@@!!!! Bwah-hah-hahh!

>or even Gibson, What, even *Gibson*, the person who made your genre moderately respectable?

>these writers are or have written novels >which advance the genre and push it to it limits, Well, two out of three have.

>they challenge the >reader (as well as being thumpingly good reads). Whereas the NA's and, >even worse, the MA's are pretty formula, average, cliched sci-fi fayre >and without the Doctor Who tag one has to question whether they'd be >published at all. Thing is, Doctor Who is all of the above, so if you want us to be faithful to it...:-) I think we're actually quite a lot better than televised Who.

>They are fast becoming the Mills and Boon of science >fiction. And what's wrong with M&B?

>Admittedly I haven't read more than about 8 of the books, @@@@@@!! This phrase figures quite often in commentaries like this one...

>all >of which left me cold, and there may well be a diamond or two amoungst >the rough but frankly I'm not prepared to wade through the piffle to >find them. Know how you feel, love.

>My other complaint is that I think they detract and in a strange way >cheapen the series. This is not possible. *Cheapen* Doctor Who? Surely not.

> I don't want to see a homicidal Ace and a Doctor >whose dark side is so overwhelming that it almost blanks out the heroic >character of my childhood. You stopped reading before Tragedy Day, didn't you? Which were these 8 books?

>To be honest, I never liked the 'dark-side' >Doctors in the series, the Colin Baker and Sylvester McCoy eras were >for the most part, sloppily scripted, @@@

ill thought out,

@@@

badly directed,

@@@

>poorly designed @@@

>and disasterously cast @@@ and could we please have an IMSO after all this bollocks in future, IMAO?

>and it is from these seasons >that the books were launched, not the most auspicious of pedigrees. >I would like to see the legend of the Doctor left alone until someone >has the sense to return him to the media into which he belongs, the >television.Sorry If I have offended any NA or MA authors, Not at all, I enjoy slapping NA sceptics round the chops. There is actually a club for you lot.It's called the DWAS. Are you aware of it?

>I have >never been able write a book and admire anyone who has the drive and >talent to do it, And Robert Heinlein. Okay, I love ya, bye bye!

- Paul Cornell, 4th July 1995 (paul@cornell.demon.co.uk)

How about a 14-part (yes, 14!) episode? Put the Doctor on trial or something, and break it down into three or four mini-stories, each being "evidence" or something.

Man, that would suck like a Hoover.

- Christopher D. Heer, 6th July 1995 (cheer@isisph.com)

[Segonax was. . . Segonaxing. . . ]

>You've got it wrong. What I was saying was this: >you put JonDoc's Aikido skills (Pentium chip) into SlyDoc's >inferior body (486 computer) and the computer blows up. Yet somehow in >_Transit_ it managed to work. Thus, _Transit_ as a complete crock. But the Doctor isn't a PC - he's a Time Lord. Time Lords differ from PCs in many important ways.

* Time Lords are sworn never to interfere and mess up the lives of ordinary people.

* Unlike Time Lords, PCs will not survive being dropped from radio telescopes. Believe me. I've tried.

* Time Lords "walk in eternity". My Pentium PC will be obsolete next year.

* When PCs are alive, they are connected to each other in a network. This only happens to Time Lords when they are dead.

* A Time Lord does not have a mouse connected to it. Occasionally a ferret, but never a mouse.

* Many PC publications now have CD-ROMs on the cover, but only one Doctor Who publication does - System Shock.

* Almost all PCs have colour monitors. In "The Three Doctors", the Time Lords had a black-and-white monitor.

* When you ask a PC to reformat a floppy, it doesn't sit there with the disk head poised, and a pop-up window saying "Do I have the right ?"

* Douglas Adams has written for a Time Lord and an Apple Macintosh, but never for a PC.

Thus, your argument is a complete crock.

- David Owen, 7th July 1995

>>> Just for your reference, the day Paul Cornell is able to write a book >>> as well as Robert Heinlein is the day hell freezes over, respect where >>> respect is due! Could someone chuck another atheist onto the brazier? Ta.

- Mark Stevens, 8th July 1995 (mark@sonance.demon.co.uk)

>I like Dr. Stephen Falken's books, but do you really think that the >Doctor will be able to do battle with Daleks when he is confined to a >wheelchair? Yeah, but y'see, *this* wheelchair can arbitrarily glow red, and rise up the stairs! Wouldn't *that* be chilling. Then we can do Ragnarok.

- Ben Aaronovitch, a.k.a. Jason A. Miller, 9th July 1995 (doctor8@jhuvms.hcf.jhu.edu)

I'm sitting here with my Dalek pipe,the smoking blend-Davros the Immortal screamer.

- Alex Floyd-Vargas, 7th July 1995 (seventham@aol.com)

HEY EVERYONE! THE DALEKS APPEAR IN DAY OF THE DALEKS.

- Arch Timmer, a.k.a. Jason A. Miller, 9th July 1995 (doctor8@jhuvms.hcf.jhu.edu)

[re: the Master as a child]

"You'll see there's no problem at all, Sergeant Benton. There's no problem at all. There's no problem because you will give me that toy truck. You *will* give me that toy truck. I am the Master and you will play with me."

- Jason A. Miller, 9th July 1995 (doctor8@jhuvms.hcf.jhu.edu)

How about this as a radical idea? Write a NA/MA without the Doctor or any of his companions, or any reference to WHO continuity whatever. Books like this have been tried before and some of them have sold very well.

- Ken Mann, 9th July 1995

>I see that "Mark of the Rani" and "Time and the Rani" have now been >released on BBC Video here in the UK. Bought my copies this afternoon! Don't come crying to me when the store won't take them back.

- Jason A. Miller, 9th July 1995 (doctor8@jhuvms.hcf.jhu.edu)

> Myself and my girlfriend, Tuffy got engaged whilst over in the Uk. Thank > you. No problem.

- Andrew McCaffrey, 11th July 1995 (fenric@clark.net)

>I remember a "New Statesman" competition to subtly rewrite the first >sentences so that the novel would be utterly changed. Among the winners, >for example, was a variant for 'To the Lighthouse': "No," said Mrs Ramsay, >"we won't go to the lighthouse, even if they weather does stay nice." "Oh, I suppose you're right, Ian," sighed Barbara. "Susan's just another student. Fancy a chinese take away?"

- David McKinnon, 11th July 1995 (mckinnon@math.berkeley.edu)

"Let's go to Heaven," the Doctor suggested, lightly tapping Ace on the chin.

"Actually, I'd rather not, Doctor. Let's go to a soccer game instead?"

The Doctor frowned, his face darkening, but only for a moment.

"Why not?" he said. "I've nothing better to do."

--excerpt from _Love and Love_ by Paul Cornell.

- Jason A. Miller, 13th July 1995 (doctor8@jhuvms.hcf.jhu.edu)

Separated at birth, eh? Hmm ...

How about: Tom Baker (from "Logopolis"), and

Tom Baker. (From "Nightmare of Eden")

- David "No, really!" McKinnon, 12th July 1995 (mckinnon@math.berkeley.edu)

>Who, of the Doctor's many companions, do you think exhibited the least >sense of haute couture? One companion never changed out of his original costume. And it was made up of a wide variety of garish colours in the days before John Hawaiian-Shirt became the producer, and long before Colin Baker's costume was stitched up out of June Hudson's cast-off curtain material. I am referring, of course, to the tartan monstrosity worn in every appearance between THE INVISIBLE ENEMY and WARRIORS' GATE by K*9.

PS: How did John Leeson get into that K*9 suit anyway?

- Peter Anghelides, 13th July 1995 (anghelides@vnet.ibm.com)

[in the midst of a bunch of jokes about Paul Cornell scripting a UK spinoff of "Cheers," I ask:]

>Can I play Norm? So now Paul's scripting the remake of "Genesis of the Daleks"?

- Peter Anghelides, 14th July 1995 (anghelides@vnet.ibm.com)

[someone decided to give suggestions for the new Who]

>> 1) Alien takeover of 1990s Earth. Preferably in Britain or wherever >> UNIT is located. Should be suble at first, to give that feeling of >> growing horror as in _Alien_, then should be gradually revealed in an >> all-out attack, a la _Aliens_. I would make up an entirely new species >> for the debut, instead of using Daleks. Well, maybe the Sea Devils... Don't forget to use a network of sewers. Alien invasion forces are particularly fond of them. Nevertheless, it's quite odd how no-one actually sees the aliens entering the sewers in the first place.

CyberLeader: Quickly, get down! Someone's coming!

CyberBod: You think I'm not trying? My bleedin' tubey bits are caught fast in the rungs.

Failing that, use an area of woodland. If the worst happens, alien invasion forces can always pretend to be a band of live role-players, out for a weekend's mirth.

>> 2) The Doctor meets and befriends UNIT and whoever will be his >> companion(s). Since American audiences like clitched romance, someone >> like Ian and Barbera would be appropriate, unless they throw in someone >> who has a crush on the Doctor (which would become comic relief). There'd >> prob. be a flashback or dream sequence to explain (very little) about the >> Doctor, the Tardis and Gallifrey. Don't forget - UNIT soldiers are tough, mean hombres. They've been trained in the harshest conditions known to man; from the Sahara Desert to Antartica. They've been tutored by the best martial artists in the Far East. They've been tutored by the deadliest soldiers in the Middle East. They eat SAS training manuals for breakfast. They've been extensively debriefed on every known alien being that exists in the known galaxy. From Yeti and Daleks to Cybermen and Silurians, they know that there may yet be an even greater foe lurking out there, somewhere, waitingpounce on Earth and claim it as its nest egg.

Which is why, when the Doctor warns a UNIT soldier about an impending alien attack, they exclaim, "Why, aliens Doctor? But that's absurd!"

>> 3) Doctor stumbles across alien invasion, doesn't want to get involved, >> but is dragged into it so that he can complete some agenda of his own (maybe >> finding a lost Susan). Even when the Great Harbinger Laser of Ultimate Doom is trained upon planet Earth, the Doctor will still try and discuss the situation over a cup of tea and cheese scones.

>> 4) The plot resolution should involve something in Earth's past to show >> off the time-travel aspect. Possibly we'd see in the past evidence of his >> meddling or hints of another incarnation of himself. The Doctor should take >> the battle to the Aliens' homeworld as well. Only during the penultimate scene of the climax will we learn that the Doctor was responsible for stabbing Caesar, burning the cakes, rescuing the French aristocrats and then uttering, "Kismet Hardy," before regenerating into a sea otter.

>> 5) The Doctor whimsically trotting off as though nothing important >> happened carrying along his new partners. ...both of whom instantly demanding to know where the TV set is.

- Mark Stevens, 14th July 1995 (mark@sonance.demon.co.uk)

>Here's just a crazy little thing that popped into my head while I was >reading a Doctor Who story...would it be possible to say that the Doctors >regeneration process is much like what we term reincarnation of a sort? Yes.

- David "Deadpan" McKinnon, 14th July 1995

(mckinnon@math.berkeley.edu)

Welcome, have fun and watch out for the nationalistic flag wavers.

Leaving you with Rule Britannia in the background ...

God, Queen and Country Member - Liberal International

- Dave the Dave, 14th July 1995 (doctor@DoCtOr.edmonton.ab.ca)

[in response to a cricicism of Leela]

"Uh oh."

"Yeah, Shannon's gone and done it this time."

"Ya reckon?"

"Yep. He's ragged on Leela. Said she ain't a developin' character."

"No kiddin'?"

"Yep."

(pause)

"So I guess now that Dave McKinnon guy's gonna set 'im straight, huh Bubba?"

"Shore is."

(pause)

"Whaddya reckon he's gonna say, Bubba?"

"Who, Dave?"

"Yeah."

"Aww, he'll say that Leela started out as this ignorant savage -- a country bumpkin, I guess -- who had so little puhlitical savvy that she got kicked out of her tribe -- an' nearly got kilt, too. By "Horror of Fang Rock", she was sensible 'nuff to be able to give away some good advice, lahk to that fool Lady Adelaide."

"Then what, Bubba? Them's only two stories!"

"Jes' be patient, Hank -- I ain't finished yet. Now, where wuz I?"

"'Horror of Fang Rock'"

"Oh yeah. Well, in 'Invisible Enemy', she figgered out how to use the TARDIS -- heh, heh --"

"Thass not funny, Bubba."

"Naw, well, neither wuz 'Invisible Enemy'. Anyway, in 'Sunmakers', she talked her way out of a crisis! She nearly got kilt by shootin' off her mouth in 'Face of Evil', and now she's usin' it *not* to get kilt. And she even talked that pasty-faced tax evader Cordo into followin' her into battle!"

"I reckon he was jes' tryin' to git her into bed, Bubba."

"Hush, Hank. Them thoughts ain't proper fer a gennelman."

"I know, thass why I got 'em."

(pause)

"Have the pigs kicked you out o' the pen yet, Hank?"

"Aw, Bubba, I --"

"Anyway, Leela gets even better in her last story. Now, she's good 'nuff wit' that diplomacy thang that she talked a whole army into followin' her! And they did good, too! Saved the Doctor 'n' everything!"

"Yeah, but then she had to go an' marry that stoopid Andred guy."

"Yer jes' jealous, Hank."

"I am not! She ain' mah type, nohow. I don' wanna wife who's gonna kill folks."

"Well, thass the poin', Hank. By the time she lef', she wasn' killin' no one. 'Cept maybe a Vardan, or a Sontaran, or some other nothin' lahk that."

"No kiddin'! I never noticed."

"Naw, you wouldn't, Hank."

(pause)

"So, ya reckon Dave's gonna say all that, Bubba?"

"Naw. He's prolly too bored."

"Oh. Say, Bubba, could you put in a good word fer me wit' the pigs? They kicked me out o' the pen."

"What? Now, Hank, I was jes' kiddin' back thar ..."

- David "Bored" McKinnon, 14th July 1995 (mckinnon@math.berkeley.edu)

[re: who should play the new Doctor]

> Just remembered all the fuss about Mr Blobby a few months back, and >realised how absolutely perfect he is for the part. I trust the Colin Avenger is taking note of this implied slur.

PS: Hands up all those who wish that Noel Edmonds' Mr Blobby had expired in a car crash? Hmm, thought so.

[note: this was posted shortly after the rumour emerged about Colin dying in a car crash]

- Peter Anghelides, 19th July 1995 (anghelides@vnet.ibm.com)

Here's something of interest... a list of the proposals for Missing Adventures that were rejected for being "unworkable". They're not the Missing Adventures, they're...

THE MISSING MISSING ADVENTURES.

_Chancellor Goth Opera_: A sequel to a planned New Adventure titled _Love Harvest_ (where the Master goes to Woodstock and uses a psionic booster to make everyone love him); this novel would explain just how the disgusting looking Master was able to snare Goth; the psionic powers from Woodstock were launched through time and made Goth fall deeply in love with the Master. Here, you thrill to the librettos of Goth as he sings his devotion to the Master over and over again. When the plan to include a CD with each book proved to be too cost-prohibitive, this was scrapped.
_Devolution_: When a strange wave of energy strikes the TARDIS, the Doctor and Sarah are transformed into their evolutionary predecessors. Sarah becomes a chimpanzee, while the Doctor turns into a candy-striper. This story came to an abrupt end when Sarah-the-chimpanzee accidentally opens the doors into the Vortex and sucks them both out to their doom.
_Borusian Lullaby_: The Doctor, Ian, and Barbara are all thrown backwards in time when Barbara plugs her curling iron into the TARDIS's console. They find themselves on Ancient Gallifrey, where a young Gallifreyan throws a rock at Ian. Ian, furious, spanks the tot, only to discover that he's just scarred a young Borusa for life, who will no longer create the TARDIS. The Doctor must fix the situation by singing Borusa lullabies, playing hopscotch, and letting Borusa win at tiddlywinks; only then will the tramautic experience be forgotten. This Missing Adventure was also going to reveal who "The Other" was, but Peter Darvill-Evans decided that no one really cared about it, so the novel was cancelled.
_The Crystal Phallus: Erato meets the Doctor, Tegan, and Turlough on a strange planet where everything is made out of vanilla pudding. Erato, to protect himself, has formed a large crystal skin around his body. Unfortunately, this makes the gigantic creature so heavy that he's sunk deep into the pudding and can't get back out. The Doctor, Tegan, and Turlough have to stick their butts into the pudding and then eat it to try and save him. Awwwww yeah. This book got scrapped when MTV threatened to sue for the unauthorized use of Barry and Levon from "The State".
_State of Pocket Change_: This book was intended as a prequel to the novelization of "Delta and the Bannermen", where the Doctor and Mel had discovered there was no money to be found in the kitty. In this book, the Doctor and Peri are stuck on an interstellar tollroad and find themselves doing anything they can to get enough money to get free when the kitty runs out. This novel was cancelled because the author wasn't allowed to have Peri run around naked for the entire story; Virgin demanded she "at least wear a feather suit or something", and thus a different story was born...
_The Romance of Mime_: Romana gets romanced by Marcel Marceau in this historical novel, while the Doctor and K9 are stuck in an endless cabaret. This book was cancelled when the extreme lack of dialogue began to set in.
_The Ghosts of Ren-Space_: Intended as a vehicle to get the series bought by Nicklelodian, the Doctor and Sarah meet Ren and Stimpy, who proceed to destroy the universe and kill everyone in it. Only after the Doctor becomes a ghost is he able to exile Ren and Stimpy into their own seperate, nonsensical universe. Cancelled when Nick passed on the offer.
_Time of My Life_: This novel was intended as a way to cash in on the whole _Griffin and Sabine_ craze. Here, we see the Doctor's diary, as he tells HIS side of the story. What did the Doctor really think about his former selves? Did he want to have Peri stay as a bird? Was he strangling Peri because he was unstable, or was there an ulterior motive? The book was scrapped when Virgin saw just how expensive the book would be to make.
_Dancing the Node_: Jo accidentally uploads all of UNIT's top-secret documents to an online service in the classified ads section, and the Doctor must scramble to delete the posting! Unfortunately, the local node is down for repairs, making the Doctor try and construct his own... The book got yanked from the schedule when it hit them that there weren't any online services in England in the 70s.
_The Menange-a-Trois_: Sex sells, and they hoped the same for this book, as the Doctor, Jamie, and Zoe get down and dirty. This book is tenatively rescheduled for April 1997.
_Cistern Shock_: The Doctor, Sarah, and Harry discover a fiendish plot--to control the world by electrifying cisterns! 256 pages of climbing up and down cisterns to remove wiring followed. The book died when the author passed away from sheer boredom.

- Greg McWhosits, 19th July 1995 (drizzan@aol.com)

>I hear a rumour that William Hartnell may be retiring due to ill health. >Does anybody know anything about this? And is what I read in the Daily >Sketch true -- that the part of Doctor Who is going to be taken over >by Michael Horden, who will play it as a blacked up sailor? Oh for the sake of Heaven, knowest thou not that such matters are verily expounded in ye Frequently Asked Questions document? Search out your village noticeboard, and seek thereon the fullest information. Then wouldst thou know what Les Officiers d'Amblin have stated, in truth, manifold time before: the matter shall not reach conclusion until such time as is completed the musical rendition of the songstress of great girth.

- Peter Anghelides (of that ilk), 20th July 1995 (anghelides@vnet.ibm.com)

[recursive discussion of "meta-discussions" deleted]

I'm starting to see red*

Peter Anghelides

* Except for entropy, of course, because recursion makes that go green.

-- Peter Anghelides (anghelides@vnet.ibm.com), Jul 20 1995

That's the problem with expectoration. You never quite know what you're going to get.

-- Jason A. Miller (currently netless), Jul 27 1995

>I've just noticed that the new Star Trek novel is entitled First >Frontier. Can we soon expect Kirk ans Spock fighting The Laeft Handed >Hummingbird? or Picard fighting evil Hoothi in Love & War????? And here I always thought Star Trek novels were the Pits.

-- Christopher D. Heer (cheer@isisph.com), Jul 20 1995 "some Penswick guy"

Justin Richards:

> I ve sat in front of a CPU as it fuses and burns.

Dave Owen and I would like to confirm that this is how Justin keeps his heating costs so low. Mind you, like many of the characters in 'System Shock', Dave and I are not real people at all, but objects only accessible through messages to our defined and declared methods. These methods include:

money, beer, sex, beer, and beer - but remember, you have to use the right parameters when sending us messages before we will execute the method.

Pay attention, as you may have the opportunity to try these out in an appropriate environment (Tavern or PanoptiCon, for example).

PS: You'll notice that the apostrophes in Justin's post are also not real characters. (A little codepoint joke there for all you programmers.)

-- Peter Anghelides (anghelides@vnet.ibm.com), Jul 21 1995

Private Messages to Paul

The Paul Cornell Fan Club of North America realize that some people may not be able to attend any of the personal appearances that Paul will be making in the US. We offer you another way to express yourself to Him.

You may send a personal message to Him via the r.a.dw newsgroup. Messages can be sent either via electronic mail or mentioned in passing to Dave Owen over a beer at the Charlbury Tavern.

Because PCFCNA will become responsible for these messages we will be reading each one and removing any that fall within the guidelines listed below:

No sexual allusions or sexually descriptive passages (excepting references to running your hands through Paul's haircut). If in any doubt, use the criterion: would I expect to read this in one of Paul's books?
No personal attacks. If you can't say something positive, then try to use the @ symbol.
No book proposals.
All messages to be in blank verse. This still leaves a pretty large area of communications for all of you, but please be aware that any responses will be at the whim of the PCFCNA. If you can send a SASE, then that's a pretty darned clever thing to do over the net and you should copyright that technology pretty darned quick, or claim it as an unpublished excerpt from "System Shock".
-- Peter Anghelides (anghelides@vnet.ibm.com), Jul 21 1995 Lord High Admiral, PCFCNA

>If you take the tape out of the cassette on the new "Time and the Rani" >release and put it in back to front, after half an hour you can see Kate >O'Mara in flagrante with Sylvester McCoy. That's nothing. I took the tape out of the cassette, folded it down the middle, snipped it with a sharp pair of scissors every six inches, and stuffed the resulting pile of magnetic tape into my sink disposal unit. What an improvement.
PS: Late news just in - my disposal unit just regurgitated the tape.
-- Peter Anghelides (anghelides@vnet.ibm.com), Jul 24 1995

>Maybe they could even >persuade FOX to get rid of the adverts every 10 minutes, just have them >every half hour. Uh-huh. Then we could irrigate the Sahara, cure all known diseases and find a Doctor Who story that is actually *worse* than The Space Pirates.
Hmmm, maybe that last one is pushing it a bit.
-- R. P. Augood (cenrpa@leeds.ac.uk), Jul 24 1995

There once was a young man called Adric, Who, as we know, was really quite thick, Despite a love of math, He could make the girls laff, By showing them his really small collection of Target Novelisations. -- Steve Traylen (straylen@geology.wisc.edu), Jul 24 1995

>Plus ca change, plus ca meme chose. (Without accents).
(Or verbs, it seems.)
-- David "Smartass" McKinnon (mckinnon@math.berkeley.edu),
Jul 25 1995
[In a thread entitled "Female whofans over 30?" Dave had this to say:]
>Quick Siobahn, use some of my weapons.
Given the title of this thread, I find this insanely humourous.
-- Christopher D. Heer (cheer@isisph.com), Jul 25 1995

[The scene is a War Room of a military organisation. There is a huge conference table dominating the middle of the room, with a bunch of very serious-looking men sitting around it. There is a massive assault rifle mounted on the wall behind them.]
GENERAL: Men, we've got to do something about this latest attack. _The Romance of Crime_ is just too much of a weakling comic story."
VICKERS: Well, sir, there are all those scenes of extremely gory death.
GENERAL: True, Vickers, but there are all those *jokes*! We can't have that in a serious story, can we?"
GATLING: And those characters ... they can't keep a straight face! There's not a decent one amongst them!
STAPLE: Well, Pyerpoint never cracks any jokes.
GATLING: True. And Xais doesn't either ... but they're just straight men!
STAPLE: And women.
GATLING: [testily] Yes, yes. But the point I'm trying to make is that this book makes a mockery of serious fiction!
GENERAL: I think we can all agree on that, Colonel Gatling. The problem is, how do we correct this problem? Where are this book's weaknesses?
NAIL: Jason Miller says the humour intrudes on the narrative.
GENERAL: Hmm ... possibly, but I don't agree. Frustratingly enough, Roberts manages to keep the humour fairly well under control. But it's still there ...
DISINTEGRATOR: I say we should just blast 'em into --
[DISINTEGRATOR is interrupted by a loud, explosive bang! from the corner of the War Room, as a huge chunk of wall is blown away. A large crowd of people burst into the room. They are all wearing dresses.]
PARTY: Hold it right there, Guns!
SUN: [suggestively] Ooh, hold what, then?
GENERAL: How *dare* you! This is a private --
PARTY: Oh, do shut up, will you? We're raiding your room, and nipping this little plot in the bud.
STRAPLESS: Hey! These ain't no buds of mine.
SUN: Pretty weak, Strapless.
STRAPLESS: Fair enough.
GENERAL: Wait a moment. This is laughable. [turning] Gatling, Vickers! The gun cabinet, in the corner --
[Two of the invaders, holding massive rifles, step forward to cover GATLING and VICKERS as they head for the cabinet.]
PARTY: Not so fast, gentlemen. We're gun-toting Frocks.
GATLING: [swearing] Curse!
PARTY: Yes. You see, we cannot allow you to stop _The Romance of Crime_. It's possibly the greatest work of frock fiction in the history of Who. Fantastic stuff.
MINI: Ooh, yes, it's great! It's fantastically funny, with highly amusing characters like Spiggot and Stokes, and the writing for the Doctor, K9, and Romana is just *heavenly*. Some of those lines ... [she stifles a giggle] ... like that scene where the Doctor and Romana are being taken away by the guards: "I'll have some of what she's drinking." HAHAHA!
VICKERS: You can't be serious.
PARTY: Of course not. But we haven't much time to engage in witty banter, amusing though that would be. Sun? Strapless? Tie them up, would you?
[Various of the invading Frocks pin the Guns in their seats, and tie them up securely with flowery ribbons.]
PARTY: Mini? Set up the projector and screen.
[Mini sets up a large screen in front of the War Room, and sets up a video projector in front of it. She puts a videotape in the projector.]
PARTY: Well, gentlemen, it's time to bid you au revoir, I'm afraid. But we've rigged up some entertainment for you while you struggle against your bonds ... this tape has "City of Death", "The Time Meddler", "The Sunmakers", "The Happiness Patrol", and "Time and the Rani" set up on a continuous loop. Bye!
[The Frocks depart from whence they came. The Guns begin to struggle wildly, as the title sequence for "City of Death" starts up.]
GENERAL: [panicking] No!!! No!!!
NAIL: General! Maybe it's really "Seeds of Doom"!
[The title on the screen read "City of Death"]
GENERAL: Shut up, Nail.
-- David "10 out of 10" McKinnon
(mckinnon@math.berkeley.edu) Jul 25, 1995
No...I guess not. In order to get in the quote file you really have to a) bait Yads, b) bait Jill (even if Jill hasn't been here in 6 weeks), c) dress in spandex or d) pretend to be some weirdo who types in capital letters. And I'm not prepared to do that.
HERE YADS...HERE JILL...COME AND WE'LL FIND TOY DALEKS TOGETHER...DAMN...CAN'T KEEP THESE TIGHTS OVER MY WAIST...COLON BAKER IS A GOOD DOCTOR....
-- Graeme Burk (yu121798@laurel.yorku.ca), Jul 26 1995

Mmm, must remember not to post when pissed. Even my english goes after a while...
Actually, I've invented this new device that plugs into the back of my PC. Its a Breathalyser Access Device. Turn on computer, breathe into tube, and if you're too pissed you're only allowed to play Doom and read Yadallee posts (they make more sense that way).
No, look, it'd be great. You could combine the two, and have a radw Doom level. Kate and Jen would wander round with buckets of quick setting chocolate, you could visit the ferret farm, Paul Cornell would write brilliant things so you'd give up in frustration, and if you encountered the Yads, you'd only be able to spin round in circles and go 'wibble'.
-- Sylv (sylv@scat.demon.co.uk), Jul 26 1995

Segonax Sez:

>>In all honesty, I haven't read quite a few of the recent New >>Adventures because they're so BORING and BAD. [The Doctor passes the strange electronic device over the front cover.]
*beep* *beep* *beep*
"Good grief, Jo -- this book is deadly boring! Quick, open the window!"
-- David McKinnon (mckinnon@math.berkeley.edu), Jul 28 1995

This picks up on Paul Cornell's (et al) complaint that fanboys and fangirls too readily judge DW on the basis of the special effects. However, if we're into that game: I nominate "Set Piece" as the worst NA/MA from a typographical point of view.
point of view.view
Pint of view.
-- Peter Anghelidididies (anghelides@vnet.ibm.com), Jul 27, 1995

[on spoilers]
Wow! Despite the fact that he gets called a coward all the time, Pex sacrifices himself bravely at the end of Paradise Towers.
Phew! Be still my beating heart!
*And*, in The Deadly Assassin, it was Goth, all along!
Now, steel yourselves, this next one's a bit shocking...
Ready?
Okay, then....
In The Android Invasion, Guy Crayford didn't need to wear the eyepatch at all! His eye was intact all the time!
-- R. P. Augood (cenrpa@leeds.ac.uk), Jul 28 1995

> I was watching "The Mind Robber" last week, and was caught off >guard when both episodes four and five wrapped up in about twenty four >minutes, including commercials. Any explanations as to why they are so >short? I have a similar query. Can anyone tell me why episodes 1-5 of this story are so completely rubbish?
-- R. P. Augood (cenrpa@leeds.ac.uk), Jul 31 1995

Rec.Arts.DrWho Exclusive!
HALIBUTS.
In dramatic last minute developments over the weekend, Ericsson Telecommunications Ltd clinched a deal to sign Richard 'Oh la-la, the Halibut' Salter for a non-recording breaking fee to press buttons and lick computer screens for them.
His job will start in a month, and he'll have complete and unrestricted net access again.
CARP.
People the world over celebrated, and the Dow Jones Index rose by thirty points at the prospect of many more years of bad sig files, 'The Rec.Arts.DrWho Quote File' returning, and really crap jokes.
BEARDS.
There was panic at the last moment when Halibut revealed that he knew employee's Jon M Massey and 'Mike Teague(TM)', and thus opened himself up to the question;
'Oh no, your not *another* bloody Doctor Who fan are you?'
Luckily all was saved when Halibut quick-wittedly replied;
'No, I just have this thing for men with facial hair'
and everyone breathed a sigh of relief.
BEER.
JonM was quoted as being 'delighted, and a bit hungover' because Halibut now owes him 'piles of beer'.
-- Jon Massey (etljnmy@etlxdmx.ericsson.se), Jul 31 1995

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