The rec.arts.drwho Quote File - July/August 99

Courtesy of Robert J. Smith

Submissions and comments should be sent to Robert Smith)

"Of course, if you had a quote file, you could look it up in
the quote file under quote file" ...

- Jason A. Miller  31st May 1995

Welcome everyone to the latest Quote File. The Quote File is
basically all the smartest, wittiest, most entertaining
stuff collected off of rec.arts.drwho (although other Doctor
Who newsgroups are elligable if you want to send something
in), filtered by trained primates and presented back to you
in a sort of instant-nostalgia recycling exercise curiously
reminiscent of the Reader’s Digest only more entertaining
and actually funny.

Essentially, it is the funniest quotes to appear in the
newsgroup as nominated by *you*. To that end, if you see a
post you think deserves an entry in the Quote File, just
mail Robert at

or the ever-handy

and include the attributions and the quote in full.

Please don't be shy about nominating stuff directly to
Robert via e-mail. Saying ‘quotefile!’ in the newsgroup may
just be a way to express how funny you think a post is, but
it’s also highly likely that, due to the sheer traffic of
stuff round here, it won’t find its due receptacle. Even if
you only think it's mildly funny, or if you think that
nobody else might get the joke, Robert would much rather
have too much to choose from than too little.

I’ve tried my best to get the dates and attributions right,
but a few will probably have wandered about of their own
accord, so please don’t get too upset and be sure to mail
Robert with any corrections for the web page(s).

Disclaimer: The copyright of all material contained herein
remains with the original poster. No attempt is made to
supercede any copyright and the Quote File maintains its
impartiality under Fair Use for purposes of Comment or

The quotefile is updated monthly (usually midmonth, although
it varies depending on the schedule) and past and present
quotefiles can be found at:

On with the quotes!


[Subject: Re: How many DW characters have you met]

Chris Orton> wrote:

>We had a chemistry teacher at school who looked uncannily like
>Anthony Ainley.

Are you sure he was actually the teacher, and not just a
humble assistant?

R.J. Smith  22/6/99

[Included because it's a damn good way to kick this month's
offering off - D.E, humble assistant to Robert]


[A request for jokes]

On Fri, 2 Jul 1999 15:14:55 +0100, Gareth Thomas wrote:

>'What's with all the clocks?' asks Lord Sutch.
>'Well,' says St Peter, 'these represent the allotted life-spans of
>all the rec.arts.drwho members, each clock counting forward until
>the end.'
>'But why do they sometimes jump forward five minutes?' asks Lord
>Sutch 'Well, that's the punishment for masturbation.  Every time
>someone masturbates they immediately lose five minutes of their
>So Lord Sutch has a wander around the clocks, and he notices there is
>one missing.
>'Hang on', he says, 'Why hasn't Gareth Thomas got a clock?'
>'Ah...' says St. Peter, 'St Paul keeps *that* one in his
>office. He's been using it as a fan....'

I suspect rec.arts.drwho would be full of fans.

Daniel Frankham  2/7/99


[Subject: Re: Davros: Not Attractive]

AndyThompson  wrote
>Not attractive..?
>I've seen pics of him before the accident when he was modelling for
>Kaled Ravers Illustrated in order to pay for his college fees. A
>right fit bit he was an' all. It leaves you in no doubt what his
>other arm was doing under cover of travel machine, I can tell you!
>A crying shame!!!

True! Every word of it! And hung or what? I remember seeing him years
ago in 'Kaled On The Job' - he was hired to fix the jacuzzi I think -
but it was another sort of plumbing got seen to and no mistake. I hate
to think what sort of a state his todger is in now! One's
gorge reels!!

Not that I'm sex-obsessed of course.

Steve Clarke  2/7/99


[Subject: Re: cybermen fetish]

Daniel Frankham wrote:
> wrote:
> >I have found the concept of "cyber femininity" fascinating for a
> >long time now (ever since I was a young girl when I saw Attack of
> >the Cybermen and The Amicus movie Dalek Invasion of Earth). Was
> >always let down by the fact that we never saw RoboWomen or
> >Cyberwomen - would be sure that they would knock spots of
> >cybermen or Robomen in the sexiness stakes :]
> Are you sure we've never seen Cyberwomen? I assume they'd remove
> those nonfunctional bumps at the front.

They sell them to the Daleks.

Mariane Desautels


[Subject: Re: Worst actor to play the Doctor]

DBurns6554 wrote:

> >There's nothing to be gained by calling fans of McCoy stupid (or
> >any other Doctor, for that matter).
> I didn't call William Starr stupid. In fact, he said "My God, man,
> you are thicker than a #%!&^@* BRICK!" when I was comparing the so
> called 'deathslot' in the UK with the primetime slot in America.

"He started it!"
"No, he started it!"
"Did not!"
"Did too!"

If you kids don't start behaving, I'll turn this car around and no-one
will get to go on the waterslide!

Paul Benson  2/7/99


[Subject: Re: Fans in Holland?]

No, those are windmills.

(I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm really really sorry...)

Conrad Feinson  2/7/99


[Subject: Re: Doctor's knowledge of alien machinery]

Bokman7757  wrote
>I'd say it's a combination of language knowledge and also knowledge
>on how machines are made- form follows function, so the Doc can get
>a pretty good estimate on what it's supposed to do by just
>examining it.

Or it could be that the machines are rotten old BBC props made out of
broken phones, dead light bulbs and gas meters (1960's)

Vandalised fruit machines (1970's)

Rubic cubes and Sinclair computers (1980's)

Victorian plumbing and lampshades (TV Movie) :)

Steve Clarke  4/7/99

----------------------------------------------------------------- (Jonathan Blum) said:

> Personally, I think making the Rani a female Master Mark II is a
> pretty boring reductive view of the character.  At her most
> interesting, she's not interested in power and domination except as
> a means to an end -- she's got work she wants to do, experiments to
> run, and all that megalomaiac stuff can just go rot. Unlike the
> Master, who -- even as Delgado -- is out for power for its own sake.
> Which is why her desire to reorder all of creation in "Time and the
> Rani" seems so disappointing -- it's more the kind of thing the
> Master was trying to do with _his_ batch of geniuses in "Mark"...

"Yes, Doctor, once I press this Big Red Button on my Creation
Reordering machine, all creation will be reordered such that in the
New Reality all of my experiments shall be FULLY FUNDED! BWA-HA-HA!"

William December Starr  3/7/99


[Subject: Re: what is doc's first name?]

Don't tell him, Pike!

Daniel O'Mahony  4/7/99


[Subject: Re: Generic Time-Lord TARDIS?]

Simon Waterfield  wrote:
>Natural state for a TARDIS?


R.J. Smith  5/7/99


[Subject: Re: DrWho fan spotted!]

Aren't they all?

R.J. Smith  5/7/99


>>Nicky Nickels Gazzolovos  wrote

(From: The Time-Traveller's Guide to the Universe)

Scarf: The ideal multi-purpose garment for time-travellers, even more
versatile and portable than the towel. Scarves have been observed to
perform the following useful functions:

· tripping guards and other pursuers; can be hung in front of a door
below knee level, or left on the ground and tugged when they stand on
· tying people up, so you can prevent them getting away and warning
their comrades, without having to kill them; a great boon to the
ethical time traveller
· as a measuring device; if the width and distance between the
coloured strips is known, the scarf can be a versatile measuring tool
· as a climbing rope; a long, sturdy scarf is ideal for climbing out
of those pits, man-traps, and other deep holes in the ground
· as a gas mask; just fold it a few times and wrap it round your face,
to keep that poison gas at bay!
· as a dog lead; your mechanical dog too slow for you? Well, don't
just stand there, wrap a scarf round his neck and pull him along!
· as a guide, when visibility is poor; afraid you might get separated
from your companion in the dark, fog, blizzard, or poison gas?
Well, just give them the end of your scarf, and they'll never lose you
· as a trail-marker; an unravelled scarf is ideal for traversing those
complex mazes and dimensionally-transcendental time-capsule corridors.
Unfortunately, unravelling can diminish the scarf's ability to perform
other useful tasks
· as a fire extinguisher; roll it up, and slap it against the flames,
depriving them of oxygen! Is there anything this garment can't do?
· to wipe the sweat away when it's hot; and you'll need it, too, if
you go around wearing a bloody great scarf all the time
· to keep warm when its cold; strange but true

One of our interviewees claimed that he had once used his scarf as a
scapegoat when accused of murder, but since he also said it didn't
work, we thought we'd better not include it in the above list.

Daniel Frankham  5/7/99


Steve Roberts  shared the following with
in rec.arts.drwho:
>Ian Levine is now living in some mansion with an
>enormous dining room

Well it would have to be wouldn't it?

I'll get me coat.

Marcus Durham  5/7/99


[Subject: Re: Good news if you're looking for Alien Bodies]

(snip useful information on acquiring copies of Mr Miles's

Oooohh what a disappointment!
There was I looking for some hot young alpha centauri action (all
those tentacles...) and the subject header leads me astray once

Robwhite22  4/7/99


[Subject: Re:]

R.J. Smith wrote:
>>Let's hope no-one tells him there are other domains besides .com, or
>>we'll also be informed of the existence of,
>>,,, etc etc.
>I dunno, there's something quite appealing about

Yes, that must be quite a site. Apparently there's a Spanish mirror at

Daniel Frankham  5/7/99


[Subject: Re: Dyke looks to popular drama to revive BBC1]

"Hiran Perera"  wrote:
> That`s the front page headline of this weeks Broadcast (UK TV and
> Radio journal)

The other and I stifled our chortles when we read this

"Do they mean," said the other, "Lesbians?"

A hush fell over the assembled throng at the dinner table.

"No, you silly," I said, placing my hand gently on the other's forearm
in a manner that I hoped would be reassuring and not offensive and
condescending at all.

"Naturally, they mean sentient flood barriers."

Fortunately, at that point the general conversation sidelined onto a
crazy mishmash of the events of Timewyrm:Revelation and how they
related to the drug induced nightmare sequences in War of
the Daleks.

I vainly tried to shoehorn the possible return of Doctor Who to
British terrestrial television into the conversation, but failed,

Chris Summerfield  6/7/99


[Subject: Re: Ian's links - are they canon?]

"Stuart Burns"  wrote:
> Are we to believe that Ian Chesterton is now living in some mansion
> with an enormous dining room complete with coat of arms?  Did he
> and Barbara really tell people about their adventures?  Is he
> really having visits from TV crews to ask him about his
> experiences...?

Back in the seventies, I was living in a dodgy old bedsit, just off
the King's Road.  They were heady days, those, days of wine and
whisky, of all night rock and roll, of people with names like Grace
and Andy and - for some reason - Piggy.

The other week, I bumped into Piggy.

"Hi, Chris," said Piggy.

"Hi Piggy," said I.

Piggy was much the same now as then - a little more weighty around the
jowls perhaps, and a little hairier on the back of the hands, but
other than that, the same old Piggy whose real name I had never
bothered to ask.

One thing led to another, and we found ourselves in Piggy's palatial
mansion in Wiltshire.

"Aha," thought I.  We will shortly be indulging in some wine, some
whisky, and some of the aerial acrobatics for which Piggy was so well
known for those two weeks in 1972 after the incident best referred to
as the "Top of the Pops" incident.

But, it was not to be.  Piggy's much elevated status in life was an
illusion - a mockery - a sham - and merely put together to film some
linking sequences for a straight-to-video release of some old black
and white archive footage that the BBC found in a skip in Milton

As I walked slowly away, shaking my head, I became acutely aware of
the fact that 1972 was part of history now.

Chris Summerfield  6/7/99


[Ray C. Tate strikes again]

Jonathan Blum wrote:

> Ray, I think this is *still* one of your pet peeves.

Ray's body is 80% water, 15% various elements, and 5% pet
peeves. But he's still a great guy.

I do think, though, he ought to have a disclaimer or
something on POTBB listing his pet peeves in order of
peevishness. Something like:

Anything from Lungbarrow:10
Anything from a Dr. Who book I haven't read:9
Anything from any other book I haven't read:8
Anything from a book published by Virgin:7
and so on. This would be a great service to the reader. (And
no, that little cannon scale thingy doesn't count. Too

Jonathan W. Dennis  6/7/99



Anthony Scungilli with Red Sauce Gazzo the Apostle

Actually, this fellow should be cherished as one of the most diverse,
imaginative and cultured trolls on Usenet.  As reparation for my many
vices I lurk on the classical music newsgroups, where 'Anthony
Scungili with Red Sauce Gazzo the Apostle' has recently instigated
such authoritative threads as 'BEATLES WERE GREATER THAN BACH AND

The good people on these newsgroups in turn report that 'Anthony' has
appeared in forums covering such wide-ranging topics as Old Movies
(where Adam Sandler is funnier than Chaplin or the Marx Brothers) and
Poker (who's participants are wimps because they don't play Old Maid).

I feel that our resident trolls could learn from Anthony's
professionalism.  I applaud a man with no particular axe to grind;
just a dedication to pissing-off in equal measure as diverse a range
of people as possible.  Welcome.

Gareth Thomas  6/7/99


[Subject: Re: The War Chief]

Pope Maddogg ( wrote:
: Not necessarily. IIRC (and I did see "The War Games" very recently),
: we do see the War Chief get "killed" by the War Lord's troops, but
: I don't think the weapons they used really had the ability to
: destroy his regenerative systems. He could have still regenerated
: and gotten away with out any one noticing. It's not like anyone

It's a matter of time, though. The Doctor called the Time Lords in
within seconds of the WC's death, and they arrived within minutes, so
by the time the War Chief had gotten his new face, was groggily
standing on his own two legs, the Time Lords had just arrived and were
very, very pissed.

If they erased the War Lord from all time and eternity, just imagine
what they would do to the War Chief.

Now, the War Chef, on the other hand, is alive and well and serving
cow-burgers to the King on Mars... ;)

'Shadows'  7/7/99


[Subject: Re: 3rd/4th doctor employed by]

TrboTurtle  wrote:

>Maybe he worked on comission - a couple of thosand per stopped
>invasion, another five thosand for every time the Master was
>foiled, etc.

BRIGADIER: Ah, yes, Miss Smith, good to have you back. Now, as you're
young, pretty and fairly headstrong, in a blundering type of way, I
think we both know you'll be spending a lot of time with the Doctor,
so I thought I'd just show you round his lab.

SARAH: Yes, very nice. The TARDIS suits it, good use of high school
chemistry sets. Oh, I won't have to make him tea, will I?

BRIGADIER: I'm afraid so. We're paying him on commission and for every
alien invasion he stops, he gets sixty cups of tea, three pieces of
top level security equipment, a free membership to the gentlemen's
club of his choice and one girl several hundred years his junior.

SARAH: Mmm. What? Hang on, what's this big red globe under the desk?

BRIGADIER: Oh, some sort of terribly clever device he's lashed up at
the last minute, I expect.

SARAH:  It says here that it's a top secret
homing device to lure alien invaders to Earth in the nineteen
seventies, no eighties, no, um, I can't make out the date.

BRIGADIER: *What*?!? That big-nosed lisping bastard...

R.J. Smith  8/7/99


Lord of deXness wrote

>Little-known fact: According to Connery himself, his first name is
>pronounced "Sawn". :)

That'sh terribly intereshting, Lord of decShness! Do tell ush more
about this dishtinction in pronunshiashion.

Daniel Gooley  8/7/99


[Subject: Re: BBC novels arc?]

Yes, but only if you hook 'em up to a big enough Van Der Graaf

Richard Augood  8/7/99


R.J. Smith wrote...
>Dangermouse  wrote:
>> wrote
>>> Tis a straightforward matter,solved beautifully in 'Vampire
>>> Science' by the 21st Century's answer to Pip and Jane Baker
>>The difference being that Kate and Jon can do characterisation.
>No, it's just a matter of *really* understanding the question.

I thought that if somebody knew both the answer and the question the
Universe would turn into something completely different.

Some people believe this has already happened.

Aidan Folkes  8/7/99


On Mon, 5 Jul 1999 19:25:37 +0100, the wonderfully pink, cute and
fluffy "Ben Wilson"  stroked the
keyboard in a seductive manner and gave the world this:

>>Andrew wrote...
>>>Is it me, or does Invasion of Time have the crappest sets in the
>>>series' history. The interior locations of the TARDIS are also
>>>unconvincing, but it's the Capitol stuff which sets my teeth on
>I thought the 'lead' wall made with the gears motif was kinda cool. I
>thought the transduction barrier control room in which K-9 did his
>little trick looked like the airconditioning of a supermarket. I
>wonder - do you know someone who walked in those corridors?

"I'm a Time Lord - I walk in corridors".

John Pettigrew -  9/7/99


[Regarding the Crusade/Space Museum Box Set]

Andy Thompson  wrote
> (Andy Thompson) wrote:

>>>Nice box but it's a bugger to get open.
> Whoaaaaaaaa!
>IT'S OPEN....!
>Jesus, Mary and Joseph!!! THE SMELL!!
>I've had to move into the next room and use my lap-top. Nobody
>mentioned this.
>I am now in desperate need of a good air freshener. The whole room
>smells as if something large has died and been chemically treated.
>I've opened a window but Mrs Rogers next door is starting to look as
>green as the box art.
>Help...I'm not sure the good lady will last the night.

Thank God! Thank God! I thought it was just mine that stank. There's
been uproar round here since I opened it. I've had abusive letters and
the whole block of flats is surrounded by soldiers with airwicks. I've
had the council round about it and the mayor had poked it with a q-tip
and gone away to have a think. I'm at my wit's end. I know the Ice
Warriors was whiffy, but I never expected this! My gorge is reeling!!

There's one consolation, though.
I never pay my license fee.

Steve Clarke  10/7/99


[Regarding poor covers of videos and novelisations]

"Look, Sarah Jane.  The diamond vortex, right up there in the
sky.  The strange way that mist seems to divide up different parts
of the landscape.  The huge puffy face that isn't quite like mine.
And here... just down here... the tell-tale word ACHILLEOS. The
Time Lords certainly knew where they were sending us."

"But... what cover is it, Doctor?"

Graham Nelson  10/7/99


[Subject: Re: Classic Rev. Billy E. Thompson]

Trevor Gensch  wrote:
>Anonymous  wrote:

>>I am feeling nostalgic here is a repost of my very first post to
>>rec.arts.drwho back in Oct 98.

>Do we really have to add to the bile that often gushes forth from
>this newsgroup by posting highlights?

"JNT stands for Jewish Nazi Terrorist"

- Azaxyr 

Welcome everyone to the latest Troll File. The Troll File is basically
all the dumbest, lamest, most tedious trolls collected off
rec.arts.drwho, filtered by trained hands and presented back to you in
a sort of instant-nostalgia recycling exercise curiously reminiscent
of rectal surgery.

Essentially, it is the lamest quotes to appear in the newsgroup and
have otherwise ordinary and reasonable posters take the mind-meltingly
obvious bait and descend into new depths of flames, insults, obscenity
and ranting that invariably put the original troll to shame. To that
end, if you see a quote you think deserves an entry in the Troll File,
just mail me at

and include the attributions and the names of all the incredibly sad
people who just can't resist following up no matter how many times
it's pointed out that you're giving the trolls exactly the attention
they so desperately crave.

Please don't be shy about nominating stuff directly to me via e-mail.
Saying 'trollfile!' in the newsgroup may just be a way to express how
annoying you think a post is, but it's also highly likely that, due to
the sheer traffic of stuff round here, it will probably spark a whole
pointless and useless thread of its own. Even if you have the best of
intentions, you're probably still part of the problem.

Disclaimer: All trolls quoted herein have no claim to copyright, but
frankly nobody could be bothered to steal their material.

The trollfile is updated all too often, unfortunately.

On with the trolls!

R.J. Smith  10/7/99


Pope Maddogg wrote...
>I didn't really like Adric that much, but I still kind of thought it
>sucked whe he died. I do think they could have given some better last
>words than "Now I'll never know if I was right."

Oh Sssssssshhhhhhhhhiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiittttttttttttttt!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

David Brunt  11/7/99


[Subject: Re: Most over and under rated stories]

[BTW, for those who missed it, this was the best thread for ages. I
would recommend a trip to Deja.Com to check out some of the stuff that
it turned up - D.E]

Oliver Welsh  wrote
>Hello, I thought it was about time I started my own thread. So, which
>stories do you think are the most under rated and the most over
>rated? One story for each category and only a few lines of
>justification (if any) please.

Underrated: Death To The Daleks.

Can't really offer any justification other than to say that the first
time I saw it I had just eaten a cake unknowingly laced with opiumated
hash. Under those circumstances the Exillon city is like Lister's
fried egg and chilli sandwich: all the parts (hopscotch-playing
daleks; hoover attachment roots; sax-quartet incidental music) are
wrong, but somehow it *works*.

Gareth Thomas  11/7/99


Nicholas Stanton wrote:

> Oliver Welsh wrote:
> > Can someone tell me how this is meant to work please? I don't want
> > to make you all think I'm a pirate
> Better take off your eye patch and wooden leg then!


I thought it was the rest of us that were meant to be
wearing eye patches.

Simon Simmons  11/7/99


Alden Bates wrote:

> (Adam Richards) contributed to the moral
> decline of our society by typing:
> >Why; if Charles can flame everyone he wants to - as you say - why
> >can't I? This isn't a moderated group, is it? No? Well then shut
> >your trap Mr. Bill.
> If Charles jumped off a cliff, would you do that too?

I hope not. My shoulders tire too easily.

Cliff Bowman  11/7/99


[Subject: lost clip [not] found!]

Doctor Who fans and TV enthusiasts were said to be fairly delighted
yesterday when another previously lost clip was found in someone's
attic. The audio-only clip, starring William Hartnell as the Doctor,
is only a few seconds long, but enthusiasts have remarked that it
captures perfectly the magic of the era.

Most astonishingly of all, the clip seems to be from a previously
unknown episode, probably either one that was never completed, or
perhaps one that no-one can remember because it was so bad. It is not
known how many unknown episodes of Doctor Who were made.

A brief transcript of the entirety of the clip follows.

Hartnell (tetchily): Testing. testing. 1, 2, 3. Is that ok?
William Russell (entering): Oh for heaven's sake! Haven't they sorted
out those sound problems yet?
Jacqueline Hill: Oh sod this! I'm off down the pub! Call me when
they've sorted it out!
Hartnell and Russell: Wait for me!

Enthusiasts for the programme have already started to speculate as to
the nature of the utterly lost episode. One fan noted that "although
we may never know much more about the episode, the clip illustrates
just how far ahead of its time many Doctor Who stories were. The
laying bare of the processes, standards and form of television
predates the self-analytical and ironic 'Feast of Steven' by some
time. If later clips from the episode are found, I'll wager that they
feature people forgetting their lines, aliens bumping into doorways
and other marks of post modernity.

'Titan and the Bandit Horde'  11/7/99


KAIJUFAN6  wrote...
...And how many times has The doctor ben killed?

Ah, that Shakespearean style. Ben has killed the Doctor precisely no
times, IIRC, unless you know more than me about Tenth Planet 4 ;-)

Colin B  11/7/99


[Subject: Re: Most over and under rated stories]

Overrated: Kinda. A lot of pseudo-Buddhist nonsense with
plenty of stereotypical views about people living in forests
being somehow innocent.
Underrated: Kinda. Forget the inflatable snake, it's a superb
stage play with beautiful acting and television direction.

Graham Nelson  11/7/99


[Subject: Re: How does the Doctor finally die?]

Bound. Gagged. Mexican bordello. Ain't gonna be pretty folks, ain't
gonna be pretty.

Matt Fitch  12/7/99


[Subject: Re: Most over and under rated stories]

A simple question, with a simple answer, although the other and I
argued for over a minute before reaching consensus.

Underrated: The Horns of Nimon
Widely perceived as a piece of poo featuring Jigsaw's Janet Ellis, it
is largely drivel. This distratcs from some excellent performances by
the co-pilot's trousers and of course by Lalla Ward, which saves the
show and lifts it up into the category of 'greats'. However, if you're
sniggering too loudly you'll miss the good bits.

Overrated: Terror of the Vervoids
Perceived by millions as the show that redefined Who for the nineties,
this dark tale of biological experiments, flame haired harridans and
dark holes is little more than competent.

Chris Summerfield  12/7/99


azaxyr@aol.comicrelief (Azaxyr) wrote:
>"Kelly Robinson"  writes:
>>Aside from the name Leela, must "Futurama" urinate on "Doctor Who"
>>by taking a reference out of context each episode?
>Er... tonight's repeat was the drinking of
>the water emperor...
>I didn't see any urination...

That would be an inevitable result, though, wouldn't it?

Karen Jo Nyclotops  12/7/99


[Subject: Re: Which Doctor is Merlin?????]

James Caldwell wrote:

> G'day. Just been watching a bit of battlefeild and got thinking as
> to which doctor is actually supposed to be merlin.
> He doesn't become merlin in a missing adventure, as we are told that
> a future doctor is merlin.
> It's not doc 7
> Can it be doc 8?
> Don't think it could be that butler doc 9 that DWM came up with.
> That leaves 10, 11,12????
> And the valeyard hardly seems a likely candidate......
> Any thoughts????

The Doctor who was Merlin was from a alternate universe where the
second Doctor became the "Duckter". After the total anihilation of
U.N.I.T. at the plungers of Daweks, the Duckter retreated to what was
left of the laboratory to continue trying to repair his TARDIS.
Eventualy, he reverses the polarity of the nutron flow and is flung
into medieval times. There, he found his old arch nemesis, the Rabbit.
After several failed attempts to kill the Rabbit, the Duckter
decides to win the support of the people in his fight against the
Rabbit. He swallows a bottle of Nitro Glycerin, a match and then jumps
around until he blows up. The simple medieval peasants mistake this to
mean he must be the powerful wizard Merlin, however none of them are
able to do anything about that varmant Rabbit either. The Time Lords
try to intervine and help the Duckter regenerate, but are stopped by
the Rabbit when he steals they're "Illudium Q-36 Explosive Time Lord
Regenerator". Unfortunately for the Rabbit, it explodes in his face and
leaves him really fucked up looking until he takes another body, but
that's another story all together.

'Pope Maddogg'  12/7/99


[Subject: Re: Sam Jones Drinking Game V1.0]

Come one, Come all (Esp Sam Fans). Come show the world the people who
actually like Sam, can also take a joke (No Really!! :) ). Thus I
humbly present directly from the As Yet Unnamed Sam Fan Club (AYUSFC),
the Official Guide to Sam Jones, otherwise known as


As with other drinking games you might have seen on the Net, the goal
is *NOT* to drink responsibly. Instead the goal is to get as plastered
as possible. The rules are very simple, you and a bunch of friends pick
a book at random (to make it fair, you should each pick different rules
from the list). Next, you look over the following list of events, and
decide which ones you will follow for tonights game. Example: "Sam is
transformed into another creature, or altered in some major way: Two
Shots". If this happens in the book you are reading, you take two shots
of whatever you are drinking IMMEDIATELY. The goal is now to be "The
Last Man (or Woman) Standing". Whomever can either finish the book, or
in cases of hard-core books like _Unnatural History_, whomever is the
last person to pass out in an alcoholic stupor is the winner. For those
of you who are tea-totalers (like me), simply replace the shot of
alcohol, with ethier a double shot of Jolt Cola or a shot of Espresso
(in this case, the goal of the game is to get wired as possible until
you pass out from over-stimulation. ;) )

And now without further ado, THE LIST:

Sam mails a postcard to parents: One Shot
Sam mails a postcard from Earth: Two Shots
Sam mails a postcard from Earth (and its in "our" timeframe"): Three
Sam gets homesick: One Shot
Sam and the Doctor execute a "Number Plan" (ie a "No 17"): One Shot
The Book actually explains what the Plan is in detail: One Shot
Someone (other than Sam) executes a "Number Plan": Two Shots
Someone (other than Sam) actually gets it right without being told
ahead of time: Three Shots
Sam insults Fitz: One Shot
Sam feels inferior to person she meets: One Shot
Sam decides *NOT* to tell someone how un-PC and pathetic they
are: Two Shots
Sam takes the piss out of some sanctimonious, hyprocritical 60's
radical/activist: Two Shots (My personal favourite)
Sam dreams about "Dark Sam": Two Shots
Sam thinks about "Dark Sam": One Shot
Sam thinks about the Doctor sexually: One Shot
Sam kisses the Doctor: Two Shots
Sam kisses the Doctor, and isnt embarresed afterward: Down entire
bottle * (Hey its celebration time ;) )
Sam has sex: Two Shots
Sam has sex with MOTSS: Three Shots
Sam kills someone: Two Shots
Sam agonizes about it afterward: One shot (for each mention)
Sam is sepereated from the Doctor against her will: One Shot for every
Three Chapters they are seperated
Sam wonders if she should leave the Doctor: One Shot
Sam actually runs away from the Doctor: Two Shots
Sam is transformed into another creature, injected with a major
mutagenic disease, or altered in some major way: Two Shots
[WARNING: Be very careful invoking the above rule while reading
Unnatural History. Alcholic Blood Poisoning may result!!! ;)]
Sam tells someone about her activist days in her youth: One Shot
Sam is arrested: One Shot
Sam is severly injured: Two Shots
Sam gets killed: Down entire bottle (Hey we have to drown our sorrows,
dont we ;) ) *
"Dark Sam" does something, then observes that "Blonde Sam" wouldn't
have done the same thing: One Shot

NOTES: * For people who are not drinking alcoholic beverages, when you
see "Down Entire Bottle", in this case you ethier down *TWO* entire
bottles of Jolt Cola, or you slam a couple of Triple Espressos :)

For purposes of this list, in books where "Dark Sam" is the main
character, you can use "Dark Sam" in place of "Blonde Sam". Also I
take no responsiblilty for people who partake in the Drinking Game
while reading ethier an OrmanBlum novel or a Miles novel. ;)

John Hutton  12/7/99


[Subject: Re: The Doctor’s favorite companions..?]

AOday41414  wrote...
> I think you are all forgetting Nyssa who is given one of the most
> touching leaving scenes in the programme's history.

And transparent underwear, to make the touching even more fun for
those who get to do it.

'Dangermouse'  13/7/99


[Regarding a new Battlestar Galactica movie]

Dangermouse wrote:

> ...Larson wants to have a new
> cast centred on the Battlestar Pegasus, under a recast Commander
> Cain (since Lloyd Bridges is inconveniently dead until further
> notice, and so unavailable to reprise the role)

Guess he picked a bad time to quit breathing...

Vick3ie  13/7/99


[Subject: Re: Planet of Giants video wanted]

Lee  wrote
> Rick Brindell  wrote
> >
> > >If anyone in the UK has a pristine, non-UK Gold copy of
> > >'Planet of Giants' can you please get in contact.
> > >
> > >Cheers,
> > >
> > >Richard Bignell
> >
> > Does that mean you are about to start what I think you are?
> and what's that?


Nicholas Stanton  13/7/99


Adam Richards  wrote
> You want positive posts? Have a look at my posts in the "favourite
> scenes", "favourite incidental music", "History of a Who fan" and
> "Sick day Who" threads. You obviously can't read...

Ah, that explains why I thought this post was the Polish national
football team's laundry list.

'Dangermouse'  13/7/99


[Subject: Re: Sam Jones Drinking Game [V1.0]]

In article <378a54c4@calwebnnrp>,
  John Hutton  wrote:

>    Sam gets killed: Down entire bottle

Sam is later revealed to be alive after all: Entire bottle comes back

Conrad Feinson  13/7/99


Gary Gillatt  shared the following with
>There is another 'Dr Who fun day' at Longleat on August 1, organised
>by JN-T


Sorry, no matter how many times I run though it, I still can't quite
get my head around it.

Marcus Durham  14/7/99


Peter Anghelides  wrote
>David Balston wrote:
>> According a trailer running on BBC1 tomorrow's  (15/7/99) Kilroy
>> looks set to feature at least one DW fan who dresses up as a
>> cyberman, I expect this will be portrayed as a rather negative
>> view of fans but I may be pleasantly surprised.
>They should bring on someone dressed as a Thal from the film, stand
>him next to Kilroy, and see if anyone can tell them apart.

Dead easy! Kilroy wears more eye-shadow :0)

Steve Clarke  15/7/99


[Subject: Re: Swaggering Homosexuality]

"'Distant' Dave [At Work]"  wrote:

> Gary Gillatt  writes
> >There's a gorgeous passenger on the Empress in Nightmare of Eden, I
> >seem to recall. And one of the lads at the leisure centre in
> >Survival is just lush.
> I've always wanted to edit DWM, and I am prepared to become
> homosexual to achieve this ambition. Where do I sign up ?

At the bottom.

Gary Gillatt  15/7/99


[Sorry everybody, but Rev. Billy makes the quotefile - D.E]

[Subject: Swaggering Bestiality]

My favorites were Aggedor in Monster of Peladon and the
Cheetah People from Survival.  I think there was something
between Helen A and Fifi in the The Happiness Patrol.
I also like to think Benny got her kit off (meaning Wolsey).

K9 never did much for me, although apparently he did for
the Doctor.

'Anonymous'  15/7/99


A generic rant for the haters of everything:

I hate [insert name here] as the Doctor because he [select one of the

- Was a crap actor
- Has curly hair
- Was in Blakes 7 once
- Has a lisp
- Is a lesbian
- All of the above

His era is crap because:

- There are too many explosions
- The producer had no idea what he was doing
- His companions tits aren't big enough
- I hate the actor and I'm just going to be unreasonable about it.
- All of it was filmed in a quarry
- I couldn't understand the scripts.
- I hate every era apart from 1 episode that Tom Baker did.

The Telemovie was crap because:

- I wanted Jimmy Hill to be the new Doctor.
- McGann is a stupid name. Sounds like a car.
- It wasn't American enough.
- I hate anything made after Tom Baker left and believe Doctor Who
should be renamed the Tom Baker show, starring Tom Baker, with Tom
Baker as the companion, and Tom Baker as the voice of Tom Baker, Tom
Baker's robotic dog companion.
- I wanted Pertwee to be the new Doctor. He just didn't get
a fair crack at the whip.
- There was that nasty car chase. As a lifelong Pertwee fan I object
to gratuitous action sequences and car chases. Would you get that in a
classic such as Planet of the Spiders? I think not!
- There were no Daleks in it.
- It wasn't Doctor Who.
- I hate McCoy.

Marcus Durham  16/7/99


[Subject: Ways To Get Doctor Who More Publicity And Popularity]

15. Get Oprah Winfrey to review "The Infinity Doctors" for
her book club.

14. Inadvertently send to stations episode 1 of The Deadly
Assassin instead of the latest installment of Keeping Up

13. Jeri Ryan and Paul McGann in an upcoming Big Finish
Doctor Who audio.

12. Declare that Hillary Clinton has decided "not" to
campaign for the role of "The Master" in the next Doctor
Who series.

11. Will Smith agrees to play the villain in a theatrical
Who movie.

10. Peter Davison plays a Doctorish character in a Touched
By An Angel episode.

9. Restored copies of Tom Baker episodes sent to BBC
Worldwide Americas (with restored versions of the DaSilva
Intros, for nostalgia purposes).

8. Move omnibus reruns from UK Gold to BBC 2.

7. Comic Relief special airs for charity purposes worldwide.

6. Book price hike turns out to be a practical joke -
grateful fans buy books at higher rate, increasing BBC

5. Discontinue BBC America, substitute BBC Prime as seen in

4. Greenlight long-promised K9 series.

3. Slip a line into Voyager script: "Captain, there's
something I have to tell you. I'm not really your
holographic Doctor. Actually,..."

2. Special arrangement with Virgin to rerelease TARGET
novels, the Virgin Doctor Who line, and all earlier audio

1. A company coming forward to help co-produce a series.

Benjamin F. Elliott  15/7/99


AOday41414 wrote:

> Even tonight - lonely in my bed to which I
> must now retire - I will masturbate jealously thinking of you and
> Mr. Darlington, two beautiful 15 year old hunks, wildly at *it.*

Oh Ed, you *told* him...

David Darlington  16/7/99


[Subject: Re: Doctor Who on DVD campaign]

Daniel Gooley wrote
>I'd have
>thought that much deeper penetration in Britain would mean
>greater sales

I'd have thought so too yet, alas, hard core stuff is still

Ed Stradling  16/7/99


William J Vadbunker  writes
>Part 13, Trail of a Timelord...simply brilliant (atmospherically and
>script wise), some great visuals.  Who at its best.  Colin at his

Ah, that lost classic about the diahorrhitic Gallifreyan.

'Distant' Dave [At Work]  15/7/99


In article <>,
  Simon Simmons  wrote:
> wrote:
> >   "spratleo" :
> > > Why is that you people can't rise and realise that things have
> > changed in the last 15seconds?
> >
> > They certainly have. I, for instance, have written this.
> But it was on my server fifteen seconds before you said that....

Curse my fickle biodata! It's always doing that.

Conrad Feinson  16/7/99

----------------------------------------------------------------- (Rayctate) said:
>> Finally, did you skip 'The Scarlet Empress'?  [Imran]
> No.  I tried to read it and donated it.  This is why I haven't said
> much, if anything, about it.


And I.


On something about.

A Doctor Who.


William December Starr  17/7/99


[Subject: Re: Swaggering Homosexuality]

'Distant' Dave [At Work]  wrote:
>Ben Nunn  writes
>>(openly bi, lest anyone following the thread was

>That's just shorthand for indecisive.

>Or greedy.

No more than liking both Pertwee and McCoy, methinks.  Or is that too
perverse for people to imagine?

Jonathan Blum  17/7/99


Has anyone else ever thought that "The Invasion" could've been
shortened by at least an episode if Tobias Vaughn had installed a
faster secret-wall-panel concealing the CyberPlanner? And subtitles
for that dratted thing would've helped immensely...

P.S.: I also think that "The War Games" could've been trimmed by an
episode if James Bree (The Security Chief) hadn't spoken in such a
protracted monotone. (I can just see the director now, "Come on, James,
drag it out just a bit more, luv! We've got 25 minutes to spread out,

John S. Hall  18/7/99

[Villain's name corrected by editor - D.E]


[Subject: Re: Beginning cancellation]

Oh this is going to drag on for billions of years!
I remember the FIRST Time they cancelled the beginning!
Everyone was looking forward to it.
Then they kept cancelling the beginning until about 15 billion years
ago they actually went through with it for once to everyone's
surprise.  Don't see why we should begin again. I rather like this
set of physics but some "creative" types can never leave well enough
alone.  That's the problem with creation, it would be fine if it
wasn't for all the deities.  I mean if they let the beginning happen
by itself, it would save them the need to cancel it because they
haven't got gravity, or wormholes, or time machines worked out yet.
Probably be stuck using Universe95 again like the last time, or worst
I don't see why we couldn't use the good old fashion universal
operating system UOS, but they always complain about having to type
all the commands, and one letter wrong and the universe is a false
I mean they are deities, you think they'd work a bit on the typing
That would make too much sense.  These deity types are all esoteric.
I mean what's the good of controlling the series of human laws, say
supply & demand, if you can't even run off a proper resume?
No mind for practical matters in your various choirs of creation I'm

Charles Daniels  18/7/99


[Subject: Re: More Classified Ads]

Marcus Durham wrote:
> Yeeeeeeeesssssss! That's right, it's that time again for some more
> Doctor Who classified ads:

Top Secret Paramiliary Taskforce seeks Recruits

Yes, that's right. CLASSIFIED is looking for YOU!

In the past few decades this planet has faced more than thirty
CLASSIFIED CLASSIFIED, surviving and remaining free largely due to
the efforts of a small group of dedicated professionals known as

Do you have what it takes? As a CLASSIFIED employee you may be
CLASSIFIED! The money stinks, and you'll probably die, but at least
CLASSIFIED worth a little sacrifice? Of course it is.

It's a person's life in CLASSIFIED.

Healthy, intelligent, qualified men, women and CLASSIFIED are
encouraged to apply.

Please direct enquiries to CLASSIFIED CLASSIFIED c/- CLASSIFIED

Daniel Frankham  19/7/99


Aidan Folkes  shared the following
with us:
>PC Plod: We would advise anybody who sees this man to be careful and
>stay away from him, he is known to be armed with a copy of the Big
>Issue and is willing to sell it. If you do see him, call the incident
>room on 0800 GETJNT.

In common with most Big Issue sellers, JNT employs the use of a small
dog in order to attract sympathy. Or Bonnie as she's known to her

Marcus Durham  18/7/99


[More about the cancellation of The Beginning]

In article <7mum69$5ta$>,
  "APaul"  wrote:
> >But didn't the BBC spend money cleaning up the prints?
> Yes, so I expect they will be released in the end.

It's the end, but "The Beginning" has been prepared for.

Misha Lauenstein  19/7/99


The statue in Silver Nemesis apparently caused a catastrophe on Earth
every 25 years.

From the list given by the Doctor, I can extrapolate the
next event...

1913 Start of First World War
1938 Start of Second World War
1963 Kennedy is assassinated
1988 An old lady falls over in Cheam

'Titan and the Bandit Horde'  19/7/99

[Date corrected so as not to affect comic effect - D.E]


[Regarding the rather peculiar smell to be had when opening
up The Crusade/Space Museum box set]

[attribution lost]
>The question is, what's it for? Is it some devious will-sapping
>substance to make us more susceptible to, ah, suggestion...?




Andy Thompson  20/7/99


[Subject: Re: New movie]

Susan Denim wrote...
>Indeed.  I can't remember a point when there hasn't been a Who film
>"at a very early stage of development."

It was a Tuesday in 1973.

David Brunt  20/7/99


[Subject: Re: {REVIEW} Pick of the Brown Bag: Dominion--The
Special Edition]

"Dominion" is not a comedy.  It's not a drama either, but it's not
comical in any form.  Whereas, "The Taint" is a Japanese guy in a
rubber suit crushing little models of Kyoto, "Dominion" is "Batman
Forever."  It's just bad.

Ray C. Tate  20/7/99


>Daniel Gooley
>>TheProf :
>>>The advantages of DVD are many, including some of the ideas you
>>>have put forth here. All four episode shows could fit easily on
>>>one side of a DVD in both episodic and movie form. If the disc is
>>>a flipper you could even do it with War Games. Imagine being able
>>>to watch War Games completely through without having to stop and
>>>switch tapes.
>>Aaaaaaaaaaaaaargh!   Eurgh!  Argh!  Arghh! Pleasegodnooooooooo!!!
>>Melting, I'm melting!  Blood pours from my eyes!  My leg is floating
>>off into the sunset!
>>I'm not convinced this would be one of the advantages of DVD, Prof.
>Ok, perhaps that was a bad example. How about this. Seeing Peri in
>her bikini with a clarity you have never seen before. :o)


Oooooh!   Mmmmm!  Argh!  Arghh!  Ohgodyeeees!!!

Melting, I'm melting!  You could have your eye out on those!  My leg
wants to get over!

Alright then, Prof.  You've sold me.

Daniel Gooley  20/7/99


In article <7n09ud$nvt$>,
Jonathan Blum  wrote:

>In any case... as I said, I did phrase it bluntly -- not to provoke
>you to further splenetic outbursts [...]

If you had, would it have been splenetic engineering?

Kate Blum Orman  20/7/99


Peter Anghelides wrote:

> Paul Ebbs wrote:
> > doesn't matter to the readers of 101 Nights of Sodom that Sade
> > wrote it in captivity on tiny pieces of paper that he kept
> > secreted up his anus - they just want to read the dirty bits
> Now that's what I call a dirty book. Let me say that this is exactly
> the kind of thing the BBC guidelines should prevent.

PS: I just tried this excuse on Steve Cole.

Me: Steve, can I have an extra two months to finish 'Frontier Worlds',

Steve: But Peter, your book is slap bang in the middle of a story arc.
I can't reschedule the entire thing just because your house has burnt
down and your kids have been kidnapped. Apart from anything else, Paul
Cornell's building on all the deeply wonderful and original ideas in
your book*

Me: That I would understand, Steve. But the truth is, my book is
actually secreted in tiny pieces of paper up my anus...

Steve: You're taking those reviews of "Kursaal" too seriously, Peter.

Me: ...and I can't get them down again.

Steve: I've heard that you're anally retentive, Peter, but that's

Me: Bum bum!

* I wish!

Peter Anghelides  20/7/99


Brad Filippone wrote:

> : Wow!
> : Scooby Doo is better written and interesting that the McCoy
> : stories? Now that really is bad.
> I think "Ghost Light" IS a Scooby Doo story.

I think you mean "Ghosts of N-Space"... :)


Shaggy:  Like, this place is creeping me out, man!

Scooby:  Reah!  Reepy!

Velma:  You remember this place, don't you?

Shaggy:  Like, it does look kinda familiar.

Velma:  You and Scooby came here... WILL come here in a
hundred year's time...

Shaggy:  Like, now I remember!  Scoob and I came in here to
toke up, and... and...

Scooby:  Righted house on fire!

Shaggy:  I was just stoned, man!  Didn't mean to do it...


Light:  Who disturbs my slumber?

Scooby & Shaggy:  A GHOST!

Light:  A talking dog?  You should not exist... things
keep changing... changing... I will destroy you all!

Velma:  Jinkies!

Corey Klemow  20/7/99


Whenever I look at the "Face of Evil" video cover I keep expecting to
see Gregory Peck stick his hand in its mouth :-)

Perry Armstrong  21/7/99


William December Starr  wrote
>I know a lawyer who specializes in circumcision malpractice

Do the defendants get the sack?

Gareth Thomas  21/7/99


[More about the cancellation of The Beginning box set and
radw’s alleged role in this]

Steve Roberts  writes
>Be careful what you moan about, it might just come

I'm sick of the way the BBC doesn't send me a crate of Brown Ale at
the beginning of each month.  Sometimes I wonder why I pay my
licence fee.

Gareth Thomas  21/7/99


[Subject: Re: Greatest Show in the Galaxy release]

Simon Simmons in a false moustache wrote:
> Tsk! Why do the BBC see fit to schedule stories like this four part
> Sylvester McCoy story when they have yet to release more important
> stories from the show's history. I certainly won't be buying this
> tape. What a rip-off it will be; four episodes spread across one
> tape.

Yeah, that's always pissed me off. The amount of rewinding you have to
do at the end of each viewing can only damage your tapes. They should
release each four-parter as a box set of four 25 min tapes to
alleviate stretching. My copy of 'Horns of Nimon' has got so bad that
at one point, as Tom and Lalla are fixing the ship's engines in ep.1,
the picture and sound slow down. It looks like they're walking in
treacle, and Lalla sounds like a bloke. I pay my license fee for

Ben Woodhams  22/7/99


Lighthope wrote:
> The idea put forward in the book that Peri was "American to the
> hilt" is like saying that Hilter was a great Jew.

No, sorry; you've lost that argument already.

Ben Woodhams  22/7/99


[Subject: Re: BBC Video's : In defence]

R.J. Smith wrote:
>Duncan Hurwood  wrote:
>>Let me just get this straight - if we complain that we *don't* want
>>something (even if only a few people do) then we don't get it. And
>>if we *ask* for something.... does this mean we get it! Hooray!
>Dear BBC,
>I would like a new series of Doctor Who on TV, please.
>Thank you.
>Robert Smith?

Apparently they only respond to moaning.

(Did I ever mention how pissed off I am that they're not making
twenty-six episodes of Doctor Who every year?)

Daniel Frankham  22/7/99


[Subject: Re: Madame Tussaud's]

Waxvax  writes

I presume from this that you are visiting London...

Can I just advise that it is traditional for tourists to visit the
East End of the city, and address the local populace using the
affectionate term 'Millwall Wankers'.

Gareth Thomas  22/7/99


[Subject: Re: Better robot companions for the Doctor than K-9 or

"The Doctor [Lou]"  wrote:

> Nyctolops  wrote:
> > But, but  . . . I like K-9 
> There there, I like K-9 too. I want my own! In fact, I was
> disappointed when I heard that a Japanese company (perhaps Sony, I
> don't recall) made the news lately by marketing a robot dog and it
> didnt' look (or act) anything like K-9! It is also very expensive
> and does very little for the price.

Sounds just like K-9 to me...

(I suppose it never knows the f-ing answer when it's really important,

James Bennetts  22/7/99


[Subject: Re: OK, How long on Board?]

On Thu, 22 Jul 1999 09:45:55 GMT, TheProf wrote:
>The show was Robot and I saw this very attractive
>dark haired lady in the show and decided to watch the next episode
>because I liked her. I was hooked then and there.

That was no lady, that was the Brigadier.

David Brunt  22/7/99


ENovak7924  wrote:


>Can I have five tickets to Terrance and Phillip "Asses of Fire,"

What a cruel way to describe "The Brain of Morbius".

R.J. Smith  22/7/99


DBurns6554  wrote:

>The only real noticeable drop is from season 5 to season 6 when the
>viewers dropped to 6.3772727 viewers,

It's those 0.7 viewers at the end that I feel most sorry

R.J. Smith  22/7/99


[Subject: Re: Frontier Worlds: request]

On Tue, 20 Jul 1999, Peter Anghelides wrote:
> OK, so I'm introducing the Doctor's new companion in
> "Frontier Worlds". It's a robot canary, but I'm stuck for
> a name. Any suggestions? The best I can come up with
> so far is "Worf".

How about CINDY : Convenient Info-dumping Narrative Device (Yellow)

Or FRESCO :  Fucking Ridiculous, but it's Editor Steve Cole's Orders.

Phillip Pascoe  23/7/99


Subject: Re: Frontier Worlds: request wrote:
>OK, so I'm introducing the Doctor's new companion in
>"Frontier Worlds". It's a robot canary, but I'm stuck for
>a name. Any suggestions? The best I can come up with
>so far is "Worf".

Hmm. Yellow-plumed dolly-bird, small and wiry, irritating singing
voice and mostly dumb, already pissing off some fans going by this
thread, artifical and stunted, pecks at things and flits around in a
rather distracted and directionless way, lays eggs at the drop of a
hat and has fish breath.

Doctor: "Hello, I'm the Doctor and this is my friend Fitz, whose
smoking is something of an issue apparently and his accent's a bit
Evil maniac: "What's the stupid bird called?"
Doctor: "Sam."

Gregg Smith  23/7/99


Lance Parkin wrote:

> Terry Nation's scripts bore uncanny resemblances to old Dan Dare
> comics.

I always thought that Terry Nation scripts bore uncanny resemblances
to old Terry Naton scripts.

Peter Anghelides  24/7/99


[Subject: Re: color of eight dr's coat]

The Gather ...
> I've thought of the TV movie one as dark Blue ... but seems to be
> wearing a dark green one in some of the books!

Perhaps he's got it hooked up to the same random colour generator that
changes his eyes. Wow, perhaps the coat has DNA and thus the Doctor's
biodata can interact with it, changing it to suit his mood. Or perhaps
this is just a load of bloody technobabble.

I love technobabble, always seeing patterns where everybody else says
it's just a bleeding plot device.

Aidan Folkes  24/7/99


Jonathan Blum wrote:

>Actually, let's also leave in the Find Yourself Books from the

There were Doctor Who Find Yourself Books?

Wow, I should've read the buggers. To think I joined the Hari
Krishna's for nothing.

Sietel Gill  25/7/99


[Subject: Re: The Edge of Destruction]

Matt Michael  wrote...
> I still think "Dragonfire" is better than "The Edge of, erm, The
> Brink of, erm, Inside the, erm, Beyond the, doh!"

That would be the great serial where Homer bangs his head on the
console and goes round accusing Bart and Marge of sabotaging the
TARDIS and Lisa starts attacking people with a pair of scissors.

But it all turns out to be due to Maggie's fast return dummy being

Aidan Folkes  25/7/99


[Subject: Re: Oops - just offended Maureen O'Brien]

Marcus Durham  wrote...
> Andrew  shared the following with us:
> [snip]
> >Anyone else who was there have an opinion on her attitude?
> Maureen who? Personally I'd rather meet Jim Bowen.

Let's see what you could have won.

[curtain unfurls to reveal a lifesize Dalek with companion
draped over it]

Okay, I think my brain's just flipped out due to heat

Aidan Folkes  25/7/99


[Subject: Pre-production meeting for new Who]

[JNT enters a room where several people are sitting around a table.
Two of them are arguing. One has a polo neck sweater, the other has
a leather jacket. JNT sits down]

Terrance: Gween!
Saward: Guns!
Terrance: Gween!
Saward: Guns
Terrance: Gween!
Saward: Guns
Terrance: Gween!
Saward: Guns
Terrance: Gween!
Saward: Guns


JNT: So we have a five million pound budget. As you will see, in front
     of you, you have a breakdown of how we are going to spend the
Saward [reading]: 3 million on big name actors, 1.5 million on special
                  effects and sets and half a million on your
                  expenses account.
JNT: Well, those lunches are expensive.
Saward: What about a director? We still haven't decided.
JNT: Moffat of course. When has he ever let us down? And we
     don't waste any money moving cameras about. In fact
     we won't even need cameramen.
Saward: What about the script? The story?

[an elderly couple are sat at the other end of the table.
They look up]

Terrance: Dinosaurs! Gween dinosaurs! Gween dinosaurs in London!
JNT: Er, no. Our script writers are actually with us here.
Terrance: Large gween dinosaurs in London!

[Saward looks around]

Saward: Where?

[JNT points at the elderly couple]

Saward: Oh shit, not Pip and Jane.

[Saward bangs his head on the table repeatedly]

JNT: So Pip and Jane, what do you have lined up for us for this
     big screen extravaganza.
Pip: Well first of all we thought we'd have some furry monsters!
Terrance: Gween! The colour for monsters is gween!
Jane: And then we thought we'd have that nice man back who
      played the Master for us before. He was so polite
      and had very clean fingernails.
Pip: Not like that man in that last movie.
Jane: Horrid man.
JNT: That reminds me, Eric, did you manage to get hold of
     Tom Baker? I really wanted him to play the Doctor
Saward: Well he initially said that he wanted to do it,
        but then I mentioned that you were involved he
        said something about going to work on a leper
Terrance: Gween! The colour for lepers is gween!

Marcus Durham  25/7/99


[Subject: Re: theyre still out there?]

D Emmence  wrote:
>has anybody ever checked where the dumped episodes ended up?
>for all we know they could be lying just a couple of feet below
>someone's patio on a reclaimed landfill site ?

I now have the delightful image of Pamela Nash trapped in her
basement, growing ever more insane and talking to the film cans:
"You'd better not look at me like that again, Marco Polo, or you'll
end up in the M25. And don't talk back, Daleks' Masterplan, or it'll
be landfill for you. Right that's it, The Savages, you're sleeping
wif da fishes tonight!"

R.J. Smith  26/7/99


[In response to some of the er, 'passions' that took over the ng
this month]

>And the bodies and minds merge inside the machine... AzzyBurns is
>born, the world trembles and Steve and Adam wait in the wings...

What's that from, Joxer?

Now I can't help thinking:

"Things fall apart, the centre cannot hold.
Mere Azaxyr is loosed upon the group.
The Burns-dimmed tide is loosed
And everywhere the ceremony of innocence is lost.

And what rough beast, its hour come round at last
Shuffles towards radw to be born"

Daniel Gooley  26/7/99


[Subject: Re: Overtime reporting, week of July 18-24]

>"Craig A. Reed Jr." wrote:
>> >
>> >Tony,
>> >
>> >Attached is my overtime for last week.
>> >
>> >Cheers,
>> >Terry
>> You mean someone's getting paid to preuse this newsgroup?
>> Where can I sign up??
>Sorry's Monday morning.

If you were getting paid for reading this newsgroup, forget overtime -
ask for combat pay. . . . .

Craig A. Reed Jr.  26/7/99


[Regarding the rather complicated order of the Sixth Doctor’s stories
post-Trial of a Time Lord]

Sean Daugherty wrote:
: * Fitting Frobisher in is rather difficult, actually.

Really? I thought that he was a shape-shifter...

Becker  27/7/99


[Subject: Re: Beeb Vote on Film Doctor]

>Marcus Durham wrote
>>Where do I vote for Alan Hanson?
>You have to learn to spell his name right first. You can just imagine
>it though can't you. Companion leaves the TARDIS and is felled by a
>hail of bullets while Jocky Hansen remains inside looking out on the
>monitor and saying "well, that really is kamikaze play".

"And I don't know *what* the Cyber army thought they were doing back
there. That was a defensive *nightmare*".

Robwhite22  26/7/99

----------------------------------------------------------------- (Paul Rhodes) said of David Warner's roles:
> He played Evil in Time Bandits. How much more villanous can you get?

Evil's evil twin brother?

William December Starr  27/7/99


[Subject: Re: Swaggering homosexuality - live]

Peter Anghelides  wrote:
>We think you're cute, even if you disagree Gary.

"Gillatt - the best a man can get"

(left hand desperately trying to stop his right from hitting Send...
Damn this anti-joke-matter contamination! oh no too lat

Paul Rhodes  26/7/99


[Subject: Re: CUBE (hey, I can post OT too)]

"Ian Mond"  said:

>> I saw it. It looked good, featured good directing and excellent
>> acting.  It also had a nice judicious use of convincing special
>> effects, but the ending sucks.  [Rayctate]
> I agree . . . its amazing how a crappy can really sour what had
> been a fantastic and well thought out movie.  Still, there are
> some wonderful scenes.

Isn't it interesting how some accidental omissions of single words
can change the entire tenor of a sentence far more than can others?

William December Starr  27/7/99


[Regarding a character from Ship Of Fools having the same
name as a character from Alien Bodies]

Stephen Graves  wrote:

> This wouldn't, by any chance, be the same Mr Trask
> who pops up in Alien Bodies, would it?

Be warned. Big, big, big spoiler coming up ...

I have absolutely no idea.

Dave Stone  27/7/99


Titan and the Bandit Horde wrote:
> But Daleks achieve speeds of 2000mph only when
> they are travelling away from Birmingham...

Don't we all?  :-)

Finn Clark  28/7/99


[Subject: Doctor Who degree]

Thanks to my friend Martin Fairgrieve for telling me about
Moorhead (MN) University's one-semester course in
Doctor Who, which starts on Septmber 7 (what, not
November 23?). Details at:

The syllabus seems to be part of a Speech class, and
is organised historically. I imagine that, by week 7,
the students will be moaning that it's not as good as
they remember it from the early weeks, and that by
the time they start talking about the novels in the
final sesion that half the students will be saying that
those parts of the course don't actually count towards
their degree.

It's not all fun, either. Among the scheduled classes,
they'll be watching The Twin Dilemma, Timelash, and
The Happiness Patrol. John Levene appears as
supporting cast (or guest lecturer), but as yet there's
no suggestion that course instructor Dr. Virginia Gregg
will regenerate into another faculty member part-way
through the semester.

They say: "Realize, this isn't 'class by cyber-committee'
but we are more than half-human and do err."

We say: "Don't worry about failing. Just pop forward in
time and check out the exam questions."

Peter Anghelides  27/7/99


[Subject: Re: A black Doctor.]

[attribution lost - D.E]
> I certainly like the idea of a black Doctor in the new movie what
> does everybody else say.

I think O.J could get away with it .........
whoops he already has.

D Emmence  27/7/99


Luke Curtis wrote:

> having just purchased Interference 1 & 2, is it essential to have
> read any other books to make it make sense?

I think it's essential that you buy and read "Kursaal". It doesn't
play any part in the arc, but I get 35p for every copy sold, and
that's good enough for me.

Peter Anghelides  27/7/99


[From This Week In Doctor Who - July 23, 1999 (repost)]

NHPTV New Hampshire 11, 49, 52
Sun 3PM EDT "The Time Monster" eps 4-5 of 6
The Master freezes Cambridge into a moment in time, convinces a
Chronovore to swallow the 3rdDoctor, travels to ancient Atlantis,
takes the job of King, and romances the Queen. A great day for the
beard of evil.

Benjamin F. Elliott  27/7/99


[Subject: Re: Will Smith as The Doctor] (Joe Backes) writes:

>Just wait for all the Bugger King kids meals and other
>merchandising tie-ins.

Oh well, nice to see some concession to fandom.

Gregg Smith  28/7/99


[Subject: Re: CUBE (hey, I can post OT too)]

Rayctate  wrote...
> >I agree . . . its amazing how a crappy can really sour what had
> >been a fantastic and well thought out movie.  Still, there are
> >some wonderful scenes.
> Careful, Ian, agreeing with me is the first step to enlightenment.

First of all I'd like to aplogise for my slight error - I don't
suppose the excuse that I was tired or being ravished at the time by
seven women, a pig named Dandy and a small furry creature from the
potting shed in my backyard would be an adequate excuse.  Still, only
the brilliant make errors.  The rest also make errors . . . but they're
not so brilliant.

And as for this enlightenment shtick . . . Ray m'buddy . . . just
because I disgaree with you on nearly everything else doesn't mean you
don't have something interesting to say.    The fact is Ray . . . well
. . . look . . . how can I phrase it . . . I love you Ray!!! Yes!!!
I!!! Love!!! You!!!

Oh dear . . . the small furry creature from the potting shed has
returned . . . must go . . .

Ian Mond  28/7/99


[Subject: Re: EXCLUSIVE: BBC Books New Companion!]

Siobahn Morgan  wrote
> Daniel Frankham wrote:
> >
> > Shaun Lyon wrote:
> > > (Daniel Frankham)
> > >wrote:
> > >
> > >> Funny name for a robot canary...
> > >
> > >This is *not* the Peter Anghelides robot canary that we're
> > >talking about...
> >
> > I know. Just trying to get into the quotefile  :)
> Then you should have called it the robot christmas squid - that
> would certainly get you in the quote file, or cause everyone in the
> newsgroup to hit you over the head with a timelash.

Isn't there a rule that the first person to mention the Christmas
Squid automatically loses the argument?

Colin B  28/7/99


[Will Smith again (I think)]

On 28 Jul 1999 19:27:04 GMT, (Karen
Baldwin) wrote:

>He'd obviously have to break out of the comedy mold he's
>become so entreched in lately,

Try new "WackyWilly's Silly Fungus Cream" available now from all major
outlets of Boots the Chemist™. Everyone agrees, it's the perfect
antidote to comedy mold.

Adam Richards  28/7/99


[Subject: Re: Okay okay... (re Interference/Companion)]

Susan Denim  wrote

> Recurring situation on the internet
> Person A makes a mistake
> Person(s) B point it out
> Person(s) C get on their high horse and beat up Person B
> for having the tomerity to complain, in a way that is 1000
> times more agressive than the Bs did.
> Type C people are the bane of Usenet.
> In this case it was a type C who made the mistake.
> I despair.

You're forgetting Person D: the one who gets on their higher horse to
slag off A and C at the same time, ending up sounding the bitchiest
of the lot. Oh crumbs, I guess that makes me Person E, the one who...
second thoughts, forget everything I just said before we all get into
another Chronic Hysteresis.

Colin B  28/7/99


[Subject: Re: A black Doctor.]

Kate Orman  wrote:
>>It's about changing elements of the character that don't need to be
>>changed - especially when it would most likely just turn out to be
>>some sort of statement.
>The statement I would make would be: "The Doctor is the Doctor, no
>matter what he (or she) looks like."

To play Devil's advocate a little, there's no evidence that
the Doctor can't regenerate into a mongrel either.

Think of the story possibilities:-

'Danger in Singapore'

'The Evil of the Dog-Catcher'

'Return to the Planet of the Cheetah-People - Then chase
them a bit...'

'The Flea Collar of Death'

'Escape from a Nice Bath'

'The Day of the lamp-post'

'The Auton Postmen'

'The Confused Androgum'

'Kursaal II - This time it's just a bit of a laugh'

'The Day of Borusa's Poop-Scoop'

and of course the classic

'The Three K9's'

I'd like to suggest that the dog out of 'Woof' would be excellent for
this part. But obviously a dog should only be cast if they are really
the best mammal for the job.

'Distant' Dave [At Work]  30/7/99


Eng6gcgs  wrote:

> Yes, yes. "Can't" and "have never thought that". I'd just
> graduated

So you finally graduated with that English degree?  Well done.  I'll
have a burger and fries to go.

Graham Nealon  30/7/99


[Subject: Re: The Doctor - physically.]

Waxvax  wrote
>1) His gender. This would kill the entire show for me. Let's just
>keep the Doctor as (assumed) male.

*Assumed* male?!  You're a real stickler for empirical evidence,
aren't you?

Gareth Thomas  30/7/99


[Subject: Re: Who movie -- it's legit]

>Nah, it's not legit. It's one of those mob sneaky under the table

A hot, steamy evening, somewhere in the searing United
States, in a hidden room underneath a Revolutionary War
statue ...

Steven Spielberg: "You said you wanted to see me. Well, I'm
here. What is all this about?"

Kate Orman: "We have come together as a committee to make
the ultimate 'Doctor Who' script, and we want you to come
up with the money soes we can produce it."

Spielberg: "You've got to be kidding."

Jon Blum: "My wife never jokes about producing works of

Justin Richards: "You are the perfect person to ask to help
us out. You're famous for making incredible movies and
financing others. But you haven't succeeded at diddly-squat
for several years, and this movie gives you the chance to
get on your feet again."

Gary Russell: "If you can just present us with $2 million
US, we can produce a movie with almost as many special
effects as The Phantom Menace, with the plot intensity of
Babylon 5 season 3."

Spielberg: "I'm not taking any part in this. Doctor Who is
dead! DEAD! I used mind control to get those episodes
junked in the 70s! I manipulated Michael Grade in the 80s!
And I poisoned the network atmosphere so that only FOX
would talk to you in the 90s! The Doctor is not coming

John Peel: "That was you? Mr. Nation always thought there
was a mysterious work hampering his career."

Spielberg: "I've made it my mission to ensure that no one
involved with Doctor Who ever prospered, ever did well at
anything. Admittedly, my magic failed to work on Peter
Davison. But give it time."

David McIntee: "Sorry to interrupt this impressive
confession, but I fear there is something you failed to
grasp here. We did not ask you to give us $2 million. We
TOLD you to. Your past sins against this show are not the
issue here. What matters now is that we get the money to
make the movie and spawn a series off it. Now, how many
appendages you have left when you agree to this is up to

Spielberg: "I'll never help you! Doctor Who is dead, and
nothing you can do will save it!"

McIntee: "Mr. Stone, you may begin the torture."

Dave Stone: "Now, normally in these situations I play
either the good cop or the bad cop. If I'm trying to
encourage someone, I read out of Ship Of Fools. If I'm
trying to force them to do something, I threaten to read
Oblivion ..."

Richards: "PLEASE! Not that! Anything but that!!"

Stone: "This time, however, I'm going to be more inventive.
Mr. Spielberg, have I ever introduced you to Sgloomi Po's
unfriendly sister, Janet R the man eater?"

Spielberg: "Alright! Alright! I'll give you anything you
want! Just leave, and keep me away from Sgloomi's sister!"

(Spielberg gives them the money in cash and runs off)

Blum: "Well, that went rather well. A shame we couldn't
introduce Spielberg to Sgloomi's horrid sister, though."

Stone: "Indeed. I left her waiting just outside the hidden
entrance to this place."

(From outside) {Gulp!}

McIntee: "A shame, really. I wanted to pitch another movie
to him. Ah well."

Benjamin F. Elliott  31/7/99


[Subject: Re: The PERFECT Casting Choice!]

Peter Anghelides  wrote:
> Charles Daniels wrote:
>> Even though the Doctor has been traditionally played by a two
>> legged artiste, I think the time is right for the audience to
>> embrace a one-legged Doctor!

> But very carefully, so you don't knock him over.

> Companion: "Oh Doctor! You've really put your foot in it this time."
> Doctor: "When I say hop, hop like a rabbit!"

Just imagine all the weird uncomfortable unintendedly funny
dialogue -

ME! What makes YOU think YOU can topple my reign?"

DOCTOR: "I do not stand on my own!"

(A group of rebels appear)

EVIL BASTARD: "As I can so easily see."

DOCTOR: "I've got the leg up on you and you know it!"

Charles Daniels  31/7/99


[Subject: Re: A black Doctor.]

Charles Daniels  writes
>Let's give him Welsh accent!
>make him a Brummie, or Yorkie

You probably won't know why - but I suspect a few UK residents now
have mental images of lorry drivers with their mouths full.

>, or Geordie!

If you count Rowan Atkinson then there *has* been a Geordie Doctor,
not that you'd know it to hear him speak.  Perhaps that's just as

'How man Davros yer big puff. If ye look at wor lass lyke that agen
a'am gonna fix it so yer need a bigger Dalek-case.'

Gareth Thomas  31/7/99


[I’ve no idea how this came up]

Titan and the Bandit Horde  wrote:
> Robbie Moubert  wrote in article
>> If that were the case then Terrance's book would have been called
>> The Eight Hartnells!

> Now *that's* scary!

"I say myself, you must fend..FIND the..errr...device which is there."
"My dear man, I already have done so, yes indeed!"
"Think you can fool me you foolish old man!?"
"I should say, a body in the river...that's near murder!"
"I think I've forgotten something...something vital to the survival of
us all."
"My dear child, we MUST explore the city.  Don't you see? It's our
only hope of understanding what fate has befallen us!"
"Be quiet!  You're all yappering like mad men!  What are you doing in

(and so on and so on for 300 pages)

Charles Daniels  31/7/99


[This is included more because of the weird logic leap than
anything else]

[Subject: re: Time Flight]

> Kalid is actually rather good,

In a perfect world, Kalid would have been revealed to be Sly Stone,
attempting to kick start his career by gaining a captive audience.

"I wanna take you HIGH-er!
Boom chugalugaluga boom chugaluggalugga!"

Martin Dunn  1/8/99


[Subject: Re: Where would DiT fit in?]

> (JeffWorks) wrote:
> > Is there any idea where in the Chronology of Dr. Who this
> > would fit in?
> One NA said it was all a dream. Suits me Sir. Ooh.

No it wasn't a dream.  Dreams are pleasant.  DiT was a
complete nightmare.

Meddling Mick  1/8/99


[Subject: Re: Peter Davison's baby ??]

Peter Anghelides wrote:
> Nik Hayward & Karen Inskip wrote:
> > I read on another newsgroup that Teletext said Peter Davison &
> > Elizabeth Morton had had their baby a couple of days ago. Anyone
> > have any details ?
> > Will this mean he's not at Longleat tomorrow ???
> He's faced with dribbling and incoherent babbling and a terrible
> smell of fresh faeces. So why not bring the baby along too?

Do you think they'll be pleasant, open faeces?

Dr. Evil  1/8/99


[Subject: Re: WYBE screws up again]

[snip lots of crazy episodic mix-ups]

Sounds like when the BBC first showed Silver Nemesis. The episodes
were shown in an order most bizarre, and it made little sense to

Come to think of it, the video release must also have the episodes in
the wrong order, cos it still makes about as much sense.

'Titan and the Bandit Horde'  1/8/99


[Subject: Re: Pertwee was our Savior!] (DBurns6554) said:

>> They rather hoped for the opposite - and when McCoy did well enough
>> to delay the final nail for a couple of years, they had to resort
>> to not telling anyone about season 26.  [Eng6gcgs]
> It's too bad the few viewers that tuned in didn't tell their
> associates about the Doctor Who episodes they saw the night or week
> before. Must not have been worth mentioning since the ratings were
> still bad.

Burns, what _is_ it with you?  Did a Sylvester McCoy lookalike steal
your teddy bear when you were three or something?

William December Starr  1/8/99


[Subject: Re: Finsihed Interference {No Spoilers}] (James Milton) wrote:

>get more careful set up for the events in book two.  I'd probably
>advise anyone reading it to approach the two books as a unit, for
>that reason.

Not as a unisyc, then?

[Dodges thrown rocks] Ow! Hey, cut it out!

Chris Schumacher  1/8/99


[Subject: Re: Favorite One Shot Villians]

Robwhite22 wrote:
>Robbie Moubert helped me out thusly:
>>Robwhite22  writes

> >> And with a stroke of a key, the whole canon debate is tied
> >> up nice n' neat. Well, *I'm* going to sleep a lot sounder
> >> at night now......

>>Glad to be of help. Ask me another. ;-)

>Cool. I don't suppose you'd be so kind as to explain UNIT
>dating to me, would you?

1. Never ask a UNIT soldier out on a date yourself. They're
supposed to be a top secret organization, and if you reveal
that you know that he or she is a member, it will hurt
their self-esteem and harm their performance when defending
Earth from alien invasions. Let the soldier ask you out.

2. If you have reason to believe that you may not be 100%
Human, talk it over with their Scientific Advisor first so
he can vouch for you in the event of problems.

3. If you have reason to believe that the member of UNIT
asking you out is not 100% Human, don't accept the
invitation in the first place.

4. If the soldier is married or engaged, stay away. For
some reason, people who get into illicit affairs with UNIT
soldiers have an alarmingly high tendency to be killed or
taken over by aliens, if they're lucky. If not, spouses of
UNIT soldiers are renowned for their brutality towards home

5. Avoid expressions like "shoot the bull", "kill two birds
with one stone", "there was no police box there 5 minutes
ago", "little green men from Mars", and other phrases that
may alarm them.

6. Never ask what the year is.

7. Have your will made up to date. Often those vicious
aliens get confused and kill innocent girlfriends and

8. Never speak ill of Brigadier Alaistair Gordon Lethbridge-
Stewart, the finest man that Earth has ever created, do you

9. UNIT is on a low budget. If this ever does lead to
marriage, you still are not covered on the health plan.

10. Beware Gallifreyans bearing gifts.

Benjamin F. Elliott  1/8/99


[Subject: Re: worst companions]

Wildstar  writes
>"Matt Michael"  wrote:
>>Best companion:

[snip Matt’s little love letter to Barbara - D.E]

>Hmm, there's something Freudian about this paragraph.

I see. And how long have you thought there was something Freudian
about this paragraph?

Russ Massey  2/8/99


[More suggestions for who could play the Doctor]

Ed Jefferson  wrote:
> Charles Daniels  writes:
>>Also the guy who played Ford Prefect in the 1981 mini-series wouldnt
>>be bad at all!

> Simon Jones would be interesting, although they would have to
> increase the height of the TARDIS doors.

Maybe he could just be known as The Back Problems Doctor.

Charles Daniels  2/8/99


[Subject: Re: Wonderful again - House of Pain]

Ian Mond wrote:
> A quick one this time
> I've listened to the first 2 parts of House of Pain and I think its
> great.

Personally, I've always thought they should have quit with "Jump
Around".  Nothing else they released was nearly as satisfying.

'Lord of deXness'  2/8/99


[Regarding a letter to DWM complaining about a free CD]

John Pettigrew wrote

>I thought it was hilarious!  Imagine complaining about a superb
>freebie that, if you *really* got offended about, you could easily
>throw it away.

That's a frisbee, John, not freebie.  They look superficially the
same, but the CD is smaller, and a frisbee has curled edges.

(although I have come across freebie frisbees in my time)

Daniel Gooley  2/8/99


[Subject: Re: Dark Sams?]

mastermaus wrote:

> I just wonder why doing coke/etc classifies one as a dark person in
> the who world.

You're getting confused with her soda-drinking boyfriend,
the self-proclaimed Pepsi Max.

Peter Anghelides  2/8/99


[Regarding a reference to "PTO" in a BBC Book]

Peter Anghelides wrote:

> Jonathan Blum wrote:
> > I'm a bit fuzzy on the scene you're talking about at this hour,
> > but "PTO" is just a British abbreviation for "Please Turn Over" --
> > there was something written on the back of the note, IIRC...
> I don't want to worry anyone, but I once kept Jon Blum busy
> for a whole wek by giving him a sheet of paper with "PTO" printed
> neatly on both sides.

Jon's just reminded me that he kept me busy for the following
month and a half by posting the same sheet back to me.

Peter Anghelides  2/8/99


[Sacriledge, I know, but I hereby present highlights from
'Arthur peruses Unnatural History']


Unnatural History is *stupendously* stylish.  Blum and Orman have
ascended even further into K2, to heights that not even Brian Blessed
dares ascend, the thin atmosphere negating the bellowing that is his
raison d'etre, and gone to work on their word-craft.  The slack
expression, the ambiguous phrase, the impotent nomenclature: all have
been butchered and buried irretrievably beneath the Nepalese snow.
Conversely the salad-torturers have whittled to a sharp and incisive
point their dynamic vocabulary; their dramatic sentencing; their
authentic dialogue that one could swear one heard someone actually
using (last Tuesday in Safeway, near where they keep the croissants).


And what are we left with?  We are left with the
annoying blond Miss Jones - the personality equivalent of the red
zigzag that Microsoft Word inserts beneath perfectly good words and
the commonest of surnames.


I read Unnatural History and I am a changed man.  Admittedly I am
changed into an abstract concept I can't quite grasp whereas I would
have ideally liked to have changed into something more concrete,
tactile and with an outside possibility of sexual congress with Joanne
Whalley.  That is however preferable to not transmogrifying at all -
and my gratitude is still due to Blum and Orman, Home Winemakers and
Lettuce torturers.

Art Banana  2/8/99


[Subject: Re: Eh?]

Eric Schluessel wrote:
:Um...  Er...  Wow.  Okay, folks, I've heard much about this group for
:many years, but I've only stopped in for the first time today.

Run away from this group as fast as you can, if you value your sanity.
In fact, you might just want to consider giving up Doctor Who

:What's all this about Will Smith as the Doctor?  He'd make a cool
:one, but...  Well, what in all Hell is going on?

A Doctor Who film is in preliminary stages. The part has not been cast
yet, but most of Who fandom are hoping that it is Will Smith.

Becker  2/8/99


[Subject: Re: Doctor Who Cast - Official!!!]

On 2 Aug 1999, Ed Jefferson wrote:

> In article <>, Austin Milbarge
>  writes:
> >According to Sci-Fi Bi-Quarterly Magazine (August 25 issue, page
> >156) the Doctor Who Movie cast has been finalized (article
> >transcribed below):
> >
> >Doctor Who 'Movin on Up'?
> >
> >The current rumors about an African-American actor playing the lead
> >role in the new Doctor Who film has been confirmed by an insider in
> >Paul Anderson's camp. It appears that Sherman Helmsley (The
> >Jeffersons, Amen) has been hired to play the renegade TimeLord.
> >Helmsley stated that he is 'delighted to bring an American touch' to
> >the good Doctor.

> >
> >Helmsley was given the role over such actors as Paul McGann
> >(Withnail and I), and Gary Oldman (Dracula, Fifth Element).
> >
> >The insider also reported that Paul [Anderson] has made some
> >sweeping changes to appease the potential audiences. Such changes
> >are American companions, and a design change of the TARDIS.
> >
> >Here is a complete listing of the cast:
> >
> >The Doctor: Sherman Helmsley
> >Tad Jacobs (companion): Trey Parker
> >Mark Jones (companion): Matt Stone
> >Greta (compannion): Heidi Klum
> >The Rani (villain) : Rosie O'Donnell
> >The Master (villain) : Howie Mandell
> >
> >Guest Stars:
> >Siegfried and Roy, Paula Abdul, Ringo Starr, Paul Hogan.
> 'Doctor Who in an Exciting Adventure With Ringo Starr'?

Yes! THey AccCepted my _RINGO OF THE DALEKS_ Script. This sale Shall
PUT me amoung the Letts and Dicks!

Chris Rednour  3/8/99


[Subject: Re: Favorite One Shot Villians]

Meddling Mick wrote:
>Robbie Moubert  wrote...
>> Ed Jefferson  writes
>> >Oh, and I suppose you know who I M Foreman is?
>> >
>> Of course I do. He owned the junkyard in An Unearhtly Child and
>> Attack of the Cybermen.
>So he didn't own it in Remembrance, then?

No, that was I.M. Forman.

Daniel Frankham  3/8/99

------------------------------------------------------------------- wrote:
>You know, I could never really understand the blandness of
>Brit-English... Why call it a "lift", when you call it the super-cool
>scientific sounding "elevator"?

I've never understood why they call them "lifts" or "elevators". They
go down too, don't they? Why must people focus on only one of their
capabilities? Is it because "down" is such a negative concept? Are we
afraid to acknowledge the existence of this direction? "Escalate"
doesn't even really have an opposite, unless you count "de-escalate",
which I'd rather forget. But "down" can be a good thing. If you're in
a building and you don't like being there and you're on the 50th floor,
then going "down" means you're on your way out, back to the street and
freedom and the light and the air, away from the dreary airconditioned
nightmare that is the standard modern skyscraper.

So, a "vertical motivator", if you please.

Daniel Frankham  3/8/99


[Subject: Re: Any idea how to get McGann into the rumoured film...?]

Buy him a ticket and mail it to his agent?

Cliff Bowman  3/8/99


[Regarding Dapol Sontarans]

On Mon, 02 Aug 1999 21:58:56 -0700, the incredibly cute, pink and
fluffy caressed the keyboard seductively and came up
with this:
>I got a Sontaran. Looks surprisingly good. It's a bit taller than the
>original figures (McCoy, Cyberman, etc.) but compliments the Pertwee
>Doctor rather well.

"Dok-tor! You look really rather fetching in that scarlet velvet

John Pettigrew  3/8/99


[Subject: 10 easy way to get your book rejected by the BBC]

1. We've never had chance to see the lighter side of the Cybermen...
until now.

2. And so, Sam discovered why the Doctor's nickname at the academy was
the three-legged man.

3. After fixing the chameleon circuit, the Doctor lands in an
inflatable woman factory.

4. "Oh shit... Daleks... leg it!"

5. Right, the Valeyard has all eight incarnations of the Doctor
trapped, when in walks the Master with his new allies, the Macra.

6. The Doctor uses his influence to defeat a tyrannical broadcasting
corporation based in Britain.

7. "Why Fitz!" the Doctor declared "I've only just noticed how figure
hugging those leather trousers are. Mmmmm."

8. Yes, I know the Doctor is supposed to be from Gallifrey, but I've
chosen to ignore that. Oh yeah, that Sam was pissing me off as well,
so she dies half way through chapter one.

9. So, are you going to publish my book or not you bastards!

10. "Bloody hell," thought the Doctor "last night's vindaloo is
playing hell with my ringpiece."

Catatonia  3/8/99


[Subject: Re: Earn thousands from your home! Do not IGNORE
this message! EXTRA CASH.doc (1/1)]

look, this is radw -- we ignore stranger things then you
before breakfast......

C. A. Reed Jr.  3/8/99


[In regards to a new Doctor Who University course]

Peter Callen  wrote:

>I look forward with interest to the actual article, albeit that I
>question whether many people would be interested in taking such a

Oh, c'mon, it'd be the easiest A+ I ever got!

Actually, on second thoughts I can just imagine term papers being

"And so, a careful analysis of the text, supported by secondary
sources (c.f. production team interviews) and with reference to the
supplementary work, 'A History of the Universe' (Parkin, 1996), shows
that it follows that those faces did indeed belong to the Doctor."

and then red ink scrawled in the margins:

"Smith? you haven't got a clue. Hurndall friggin says he's the first
in The Five Doctors [1] - and don't even go there with that
Hurndall-was-the-Other theory [2], we've heard quite enough out of you
and Frankham up the back. And there's Mawdryn Undead too... and no,
the Blum hypothesis won't wash here, just because it stuffed up UNIT
Dating [3] doesn't mean you can claim it stuffed up this as well.

It's a D- for you and I'll be seeing you again next semester, along
with all those you wrote papers claiming that Pertwee wasn't canon [4]
and Time Lords could regenerate into one-legged lesbian midgets with
asthma [5]."

[1] see lecture 5
[2] see lecture 9
[3] see lectures 13 through 26, and the corresponding arguments that
disrupted lectures 27 through 31, stayed quiet for a bit and then
resurfaced in lectures 37, 38, 41 and caused that nasty incident in
lecture 45 before the police had to put an end to it
[4] see Eng6gcs' fifteen volume thesis
[5] see Charles Daniels' paper, although you'll have to read the last
third from the crayon on the wall in his hospital ward

R.J. Smith  4/8/99


[Subject: Re: 10 easy way to get your book rejected by the BBC]

SPOILERS for some early BBC Books

1. The 8th Doctor goes back in time to meet all of his previous
selves, and talk to them.

2. Three words: sharks with guns!

3. The story involves some complicated celestial mechanics, which I
know nothing about and can't be buggered researching, because a work
of genius like this doesn't *need* to be lumbered with all that
science garbage.

4. I wanna bring back the Zygons and the Skarasen, and Professor
Litefoot (I haven't figured out a way for him to contribute to the
storyline yet, but hey, the fans love seeing these old guys so who
gives a monkeys), and I'm gonna have Skarasens rampaging through the
streets of London slaughtering people by the hundred, despite the
lack of historical evidence that such a thing ever occurred, and
then I'll resolve it all with a hitherto unrevealed capability of

5. I have a complicated theory that all the Dalek stories since 1979
were wrong, and my novel puts it right.

(Actually, I quite liked #2, and haven't read #3 or #5.)

Daniel Frankham  4/8/99


[Subject: Re: Why #6 is better than #7]

Chris Schumacher  wrote:
> Re: 6
> I agree completely.
> What really scares me about Doctor Six is that he reminds me a lot
> of myself. Anyone else have a similar experience with one of the

personally, #2 has been very similar to me, in that he is, by and
large, completely missing... except for his worst bits.

david lynch  2/8/99


[Subject: Re: 10 easy way to get your book rejected by the BBC]

A few more ...

1. I call this one The Bates Motel Project. Made by a few
college film-makers who forgot to set the controls right to
avoid a jerky picture ...

2. Suppose the Doctor built another K9. Now, while the
Doctor is visiting Sarah, this new K9 reveals that he is
evil, attempting to kill K9 Mark 3 and opening fire on the
TARDIS console at point blank range. Then, in episode 2 ...

3. Come to think of it, any idea for a story that ends in

4. The Doctor visits Tom Baker's house and encounters an
entire family of people, all played by Tom Baker.

5. I'm very proud of my story, but for reasons I can't
explain, you better not distribute this book in America or
refer to it in any other books.

6. Well, as we all knew, Tony Blair is a space alien trying
to manipulate the UK into fully embracing a socialism that
will destroy the country. What we didn't know was that he
was Professor Chronotis' equivalent of the Doctor's
Valeyard. Can the Doctor save Chronotis from this being?

7. Gunfighters II - This time, Fitz needed a dentist after
eating some of Sam's leftover vegetarian cooking.

8. A 1st Doctor story, as written by William Hartnell.

9. At an author's convention, Neil Penswick is murdered by
a copy of Time-Rift, and Jon Blum is found hovering over
the body. But Terrance Dicks believes in Jon's innocence.

10. I will only write this book if you pay Douglas Adams to
co-write it with me.

Benjamin F. Elliott  4/8/99


[Subject: Re: Even MORE easy ways to get your book rejected by the

1. Love in a Continuity Free Climate.
Stranded in This Time Round after closing hours, Psycho Nyssa and
Adric are forced to explore their relationship. This needs to be a
five volume novel.

2. Steel Irises
I don't believe the Looms are canon, so the TLs can have babies with
Earth women. The 8th Doctor settles down with a beautiful, talented,
witty and all round wonderful red head whose name and
they have a baby who has super powers.
Any resemblance between the Doctor's wife and the author is purely

3. Labyrinth
A PDA set between Logopolis and Castrovalva.

4. Re-evaluation of the Daleks
the Doctor is forced to form an uneasy alliance with the Daleks to
defeat their enemies in the Dalek/cybermen/sontaran war.

5. Millennial Business
The head of a giant corporation which is exploiting the masses on a
distant colony turns out to be possessed by the Great Intelligence.
Or the Nestene. Set at the turn of the 3rd Millennium. Note: can
change setting as required. How about Earth at the turn of the 2nd

6. Infinite Beginnings
There's this guy who travels in time in a ship that looks like an
ordinary everyday object. It turns out he's on the run from his own
people. Eventually he is forced to contact them for the greater good
and they sentence him to exile on Earth, his favourite planet. After
he undertakes a series of missions for his people they grant him his
freedom. He goes home and uncovers the corrupt heart of their society,
ironically becoming their leader, in name at least. Fleeing the
responsibility he continues his adventures, fighting enemies
from beyond the dawn of time, until he makes a deal with some of the
Old Gods of his planet and becomes Time's Champion. It is also implied
that he was an important figure in the ancient history of his home
planet. Then it turns out that he's half-human, on his mother's side.
Then it turns out the past is mutable, and everything can be
rewritten and retconned out of ever having existed. Nah, this'll never
work, forget I suggested it.

Mags  4/8/99


[Subject: Re: Even MORE easy ways to get your book rejected by the

1. Doctor Who and the Pits

The Third Doctor and UNIT are called in when several alien spacecraft
are discovered buried beneath London. Soon the Doctor realises that
the craft contain a startling secret about the origins of humanity:
Men are from Mars, and women are from Venus.

2. The Dream Lords

...and at the end, the Doctor wakes up in his bed in Lungbarrow, and
says "What a silly dream".

3. The Deadly Murderer

There's this guy called Doctor Who who goes around killing people in
really horrible ways. Turns out he's this shape-changing alien on the
run from the cops from his own planet, and they send this guy called
the Master to catch him.

4. Reunion

Okay, so the Master has got the Daleks and the Cybermen and the Rutans
and the Sontarans and the Krynoids heading for Earth to wipe the place
out. Meanwhile, the Doctor and Sam arrive in London, and purely by
chance they meet Sarah Jane Smith and K9. They all go to a cafe to
talk about old times, when who should they meet there but Ian and
Barbara Chesterton! They're waiting for some old friends of theirs,
Harry Sullivan and John Benton, who soon arrive with their girlfriends,
Liz Shaw and Victoria Waterfield. While they're sharing a couple of
pizzas, the Brigadier (ret.) walks past the window, and they call him
inside. Victoria almost chokes on a piece of stiff pizza crust, and the
Doctor demands to see the owner of the cafe -- and who should it be but
Jo Grant! Then, on page 2, a strange temporal anomaly inexplicably
transports Zoe Heriot, Nyssa, Leela, Romana....

5. The Faces of _Morbius_

Members of a strange secret society kidnap the Doctor and strap him
into some elaborate torture equipment. He will not be freed until he
tells them just whose faces those were in the hologram screen thingy on
that machine when he was mind-wrestling Morbius that time on Karn. And
while he's at it, could he please explain when the UNIT stories are
set? By the last page, these questions and many more will have finally
been answered.

6. Have You Ever Noticed?

The Doctor is put on trial yet again, and is exiled to New York. Here
he becomes scientific advisor to Jerry, a stand-up comic. Sam begins
dating Jerry's friend George, and is distressed when George insists she
wear a brunette wig. She begins to suspect that he might have murdered
his fiancee a few years before.

Fitz meets an unusual young woman named Elaine, who it turns out used
to go out with Jerry, but it didn't work out and now they're just

Meanwhile, Jerry's neighbour Kramer unwittingly threatens the city
with a major food-poisoning epidemic when he establishes a chain of
successful but insufficiently hygienic make-your-own-pizza restaurants
with his friend Poppy.

Will the Doctor and Jerry manage to convince Kramer to stock
sufficient soap in his restaurants' washrooms? Will Sam be Dark Sam
for George, and will she lick the envelopes for all those invitations
to George's birthday party? Who is the strange man who stalks Elaine,
muttering darkly, "I am not a Nazi. No soup for you!"? And will all
these disparate storylines dovetail neatly in the last ten pages?

7. The Body Robber

The Doctor, Jamie and Zoe arrive in a strange world where everyone is
yellow and has 8 fingers. Arch-villain Mr Burns wants to steal the
Doctor's remaining regenerations...

8. The Troll

...And then the Doctor says that books by Kate Orman, Jon Blum,
Lawrence Miles, Lance Parkin and John Peel suck dead dogs' dicks.
(This is vital to the plot and will all be explained later.) He
decides to go back in time and kill his own seventh incarnation,
because he was so lame...

9. Power of the Cybermen

Returning to Vulcan, the Doctor meets his old friend Mr Spock...

Daniel Frankham  4/8/99


Paul Andinach  wrote...
> On 3 Aug 1999, The Inspector wrote:
> > > Have you ever known radw to agree on /anything/?
> >
> > You be quiet, we agree all the time. ;)
> No we don't. ;)

Yes we do, all the evidence proves it and anything you say to suggest
that we don't is just opinionated bollocks. can't you just accept
that you're wrong on this most fundamental point of the whole
argument? oh, FFS! you lot are all the same, you call us wankers when
we PROVE to you that radw always agrees, then you show yourselves to
be the wankers you are by saying entirely without justification that
we don't! frankly, I'm fed up with the whole debate.

Colin B.  4/8/99


[Subject: Re: Weekly Stats 03/08] [Yep, you heard right - D.E]

Brett O'Callaghan  wrote:

> Goodness! I forgot to post the stats saturday didn't I? What an
> accident... oh well, here they are on this fine 03/08 for y'all.

The dead and anicent cthulhu walks this newsgroup again!!!

That is not dead which can eternal lie
And with strange eons even death may die!

> 13 4 Charles Daniels 54 15

YES!! YES!!!! I WAS NUMBER 13!!!!
This means Cthulhu has chosen my body to inhabit!!


Charles Daniels  5/8/99


[Subject: Re: Yet another 10 easy ways to get your book rejected by
the BBC]

OK, I'll have a go...

1. The Infinity Corridors
The TARDIS becomes trapped in a temporal recursion, causing it to
expand at an exponential rate, filling with past companions begging
the Doctor to tell them what they should do now.

2. Interchange (Parts 1 & 2)
Tired of adventuring, the Doctor has his timeline altered so that he
can go into early retirement, and a new, alternate Doctor replaces
him, with a past that makes absolutely no sense.

3. Oh Yes It Is!
The Doctor regenerates into a drunken, female archaeologist, and
alters the TARDIS to appear as the messy rooms of the holder of the
Edward Watkins chair of St Oscars University.

4. Seething Guy
The Doctor accidentally locks his keys in the TARDIS, and spends
several years trying to open the door with a coathanger. Meanwhile,
Sam gets sick of waiting for him, and sleeps with every other bipedal
male on the planet.

5. The Two Doctors: Annihilation
Both the 3rd & 7th Doctors enter a contest to settle once and for all
which one sucks and which one doesn't. There can be only one. Jo & Ace
buy some ice cream.

6. To Catch a Thief
The Doctor travels back in time to 1955 to copyright 'Power of the
Daleks', thus proving that he did the Vulcan thing first. It becomes a
race to the register with the appearance of 28 different versions of
the _USS Enterprise_, as well as the _Defiant_ and _Voyager_. His task
is further complicated by the appearance of a kid who asks for a lift,
as his car has broken down.

7. The Planet of Biros
After coming across a reference in an obscure galactic guidebook, the
Doctor attempts to track down where all the Biros of the universe
disappear to.

8. The Time-Tabler
A sever disruption to the vortex ejects the TARDIS onto a mysteriously
*un*-empty train station, where he finds that the Meddling Monk has
been stealing time from public transport vehicles to re-power his
TARDIS, and is causing havoc to time tables world-wide.

9. The Edge of a Spanking (aka Inside with Shits aka Beyond a Joke)
The TARDIS suddenly begins to talk, and tells the Doctor in no
uncertain terms to stop running into things, *especially* those
freakin' anomalies.

10. The One Doctor
The Doctor stops to watch a game of krikket.

Prince Reynart 


Why number 6 is better than number 7:

Because 7 is an odd one.

Mariane Desautels  5/8/99


[Subject: Re: Yet another 10 easy ways to get your book
rejected by the BBC]

My turn, now! :)

1. TIME OF DELIVERANCE (a historical) - The 2nd Doctor's Tardis
mysteriously crash-lands in Jeuresalem, where an obscure religious
figure known as Jesus is being largely unsucessful in his attempts
to preach peace. While The Doctor teaches him some simple conjuring
tricks to help hold his audience's attention, Jamie and Zoe
accidentally get kidnapped by the Roman Army and forced into

2. THE PAIN THAT LINGERS - Trapped in a temporal anomoly, The Doctor
is forced to undergo his 5th-6th incarnation regeneration over and
over, each time with strange and facinating results. It's a new
Doctor every chapter!

3. THE EVIL OF TERROR - Well, see - there's evil and it's really
terrifying, right? And it's got Daleks and Cybermen in it, and The
Master - in fact I managed to fit in almost all the bad guys - at
least the really cool ones and not those sucky ones like the stupid
quarks because they looked like cardboard boxes with feet, okay? So,
like, The Doctor finds out about it and he gets really pissed off and
kicks their butts.

4. THE INFINITY CHAPTERS (vols. 1-3) - The Doctor eats a packet of

5. THE SECOND DOG'S CLUB - All the various versions of K9 accidentally
meet each other - an awkward situation because they all thought they
were "The Only One" - they decide to team up to teach The Doctor a
lesson about two-timing them.

6. THE MENACE OF THE PHANTOM - Actually a prequel to the series, This
tale, which is largely exposition with little actual plot, explores
the early days of The Doctor's life in an attempt to explain every
feature of his personality and dispell any hint of mystery the
character had.

7. MASTER, MASTER - The Master (the old really good one) teams up
across time with The Master (the really camp one) in an evil attempt
to do away with The Doctor once and for all - if only they could stop
bickering with each other.

8. BOLLOCKS OF THE DALEKS - A batallion of Daleks attempts to invade
london, setting up base in an abandoned flat. The Doctor arrives hot
on their heels, only to discover the house's previous owners - a pack
of punk-haied squatters - have already smashed the daleks to tinfoil
with their guitars and fled. The Doctor goes on a frantic chase to
track them down before top secret Dalek components become fashion
statements in the underground punk scene. Features the infamous "Nice
tits, nigel." scene.

9. THE TITLE OF THIS STORY IS THIS - An experiment in prose, this
entire book is one long run-on sentence which tells the tale of The
Doctor and Jo Grant facing off against a fleet of killer washing
machines when evil alien radiation is beamed onto the planet earth
from deep space by aliens intent to destroy the world because it's
exactly the wrong color and clashes with their ultra-fashionable
draperies when they gaze out their windows at night.

10. LEGACY OF DEATH - Doctors 1-4 team up to do away with Doctors 5-8,
as they have been found to be an embarrassment to The Doctor's legacy.
This book eliminates everything that happened from The Leisure Hive
onward from the series cannon, especially Adric.

Chris Sutor  5/8/99


[Subject: Re: 10 easy ways to get your book rejected by the BBC]

RIght, I've just taken my medication, so I'll give it a
go... :)

1. THE RONINS - An historical comedy in the grand tradition of the
Carry-On films in which the 1st Doctor and his companions arrive in
feudal Japan. It's non-stop laughter as Vicki unwittingly insults the
local warlord and everyone is hacked to death by katana-weilding
samurai. Next month's commissioned novel, THE WELL PLANET, in which
our heroes go to recover from their wounds, has been cancelled due to
the sudden death of all series regulars.

2. TOON OF THE CIDERMEN - The 2nd Doctor and Jamie arrive in
contemporary Newcastle-Upon-Tyne in the middle of the Bigg Market.
The evil Cidermen immediately feel their sexuality under threat from
Jamie's skirt-wearing antics and go to confront him because they're
hard when they're in a group. In the confusion the Doctor manages to
spill someone's pint in the crowded pub. "When I say run, run!"

3. DELIVERANCE OF THE DOCTOR - While exiled on Earth the 3rd Doctor
accepts a lovely boat ride from his good buddies Jon Voigt and Burt
Reynolds. Unluckily, the Doctor and his friends haven't counted on
the unwanted attentions of a family of banjo-playing hicks that live
in the woods. "I said drop your britches boy. A'hm gonna make you
squeal like a pig." In the ensuing action, someone hits the Doctor's
g-spot. On his return to UNIT HQ the Doctor eyes up Mike Yates...

4. SMEG LOSS - On their way to visit old chum Barbara Funnyhair the
4th Doctor, Romana and Poochie are ensnared by the wicked Cactus Jack
in a fiendish Chronic Hysteresis. The rest of the novel consists
entirely of one paragraph endlessly repeating until the epiloque,
where the author finally realises the time-travellers can escape by
simply wagging the loveable mutt's tail.

5. PANACOLEGOVALVA - After a run in with arch nemesis the Masturbater,
the 4th Doctor is fatally wounded. It's the end and the moment hasn't
been prepared for. Sadly the Doctor's fifth incarnation is a giant
stick of celery with a fondness for cricket so he's no bloody use to
anyone. The Doctor is still weak from the transformation so must spend
the rest of the story in the Zero Greenhouse to recouperate. At the
story's climax the Doctor puts a mysterious badge of a man on his
lapel... the significance of this badge won't be revealed until the
end of the fifth Doctor story arc, THE BADGE OF FEARY EVIL TERROR.

6. THE SINGLE DILEMMA - The Doctor is horrified to discover he has
newly-regenerated into a loud offensive arse with Boston Strangler
tendencies. And he's starting to notice Peri's tits too. Will he do
the decent thing and commit Time Lord suicide? After all it's only
*one* life - he could save the universe a great deal of suffering.
Anything can happen. There will be no BBC Books printed in December.

7. KANDYMAN, FAREWELL TO THE FANS - The 7th Doctor has come to Terror
Alfalfa to check out rumours of Eeeeeevil from the dawn of time.
Instead he meets a really sweet guy who wants to lick him all day
long like a big stick of Edinburgh Rock. Sadly this is a solo
adventure for the Doctor - his fans have all but deserted him...

8. TIME'S SARDINES - The TARDIS is invaded by more Eeeevil from the
dawn of time, and to escape its clutches the time-machine turns
itself inside-out, stranding the Doctor in a bizarre labyrinth the
size of the TARDIS's outer plasmic shell. Will the Doctor be left
with enough room to scratch his arse?

9. THE INCREDIBLE WHOOLK - "Dr David Who. Position - scientist.
Searching for a way to tap into the hidden strengths that all humans
have. Then an accidental overdose of gamma radiation alters his body
chemistry... Now when Dr Who grows angry he has a tendency to shred
his lovely frock coat. Accused of a crime he didn't commit, Dr David
Who must travel the timelines... alone."

time he makes it look gooood! The Doctor has regenerated with black
skin, which nobody comments on. Of course this new body has
toothache, so what better place to find a dentist than Tombstone
1881? Our slick, wise-cracking, rapping hero hasn't counted on the
evil Clanger Gang and their accomplice the Soup Dragon though. He
greets them with a friendly "Hi there. I'm Doctor Smith." They rush
towards him in a frenzied lynch mob...

Right. Time for a lie down. I've come over all funny...

Meddling Mick  5/8/99


[Subject: Re: 10 easy ways to get your book rejected by the BBC]

The Tardis lands in a Seattle coffee shop, next to where two
psychiatrist brothers are sitting. One, Frasier Crane invites the
Doctor to be a guest host for his call-in radio show, while the
other, Niles Crane, asks if he can use the TARDIS to travel back in
time and declare his love for Daphne before she falls for a divorce
lawyer. Roz lusts after Sam, the Rani teams up with Bebe Glaser to
sell sleep-depriving drugs to truckers over the airwaves, and Maris
is revealed to be a Cyberwoman, a fact which fails to surprise anyone.

The new ambassador from the planet Gonzo has brought a few
pharmeceuticals from his home world to Peladon. After unwittingly
sampling a few, the Doctor and his companions become addicted, and any
chance of a plot diminishes with each chapter. Cool illustrations and
some relentless prose compensate.

The TARDIS lands in an actual quarry this time, but for the first few
chapters the Doc is convinced they've landed on an alien world. A
bulldozer sets the record straight. Meanwhile, an escapee from the
local sanitarium has donned a really goofy alien costume and is hiding
out in the quarry, and some local improv actors are filming a movie
"Blair Witch"-style nearby. They guess that the guy in the alien suit
is part of the film. Some join up with the Doctor, others with the
villain, and they act out a conflict for the future of the
universe while a frustrated crane operator just tries to do his job.

The TARDIS lands in a city called simply The City. The Doctor helps a
giant blue superhero and his pudgy moth-like friend defeat the Evil
Midnight Bomber What Bombs at Midnight. Yeah baby!

Bokman7757  5/8/99


Peter Anghelides  wrote
> Hm. You got me bang to right, guv. So much for my crap gag then.

A crap gag? Is that something you use to silence Tersurans?



Mark Ayres wrote:

> It's hell being a sound engineer.

Better than being an unsound one.

Cliff Bowman  6/8/99


[Subject: 10 extremely easy ways to get your book rejected by the BBC]

My thoughts on this subject -

1. "At a recent gathering of 'Doctor Who Fans Who love The Chase
Anonymous' several fans told me that my alternative program guide
ISN'T canon! So I thought we'd show them! Now I want to open up a
WHOLE new line of books called The Off Target Charles Daniels
Unauthorized Programme Guide New And Missing Adventures or
TOTCDUPGN&MA for SHORT. Now of course this is entirely under my
creative control, I comission all cover art, and to make sure the books
get a good public image I personally write all reviews in Doctor Who
Magazine under the pseudonym Nancy Jennings. Why I've chosen that name
isn't important, but what is important is that if anyone asks why I'm
ordering women's clothes on my work account you say it's really gifts
for the secretary which of course you will provide as I'll be far too
busy writing books like "Doctor Who and the Dustbins Orgy Blow Out" and
reviews with splashy headers and adjectives, to do any actual work
involving... whatever the hell I should be doing after you appoint me
to the head of a brand new sub-department I wish to create in your
Doctor Who fiction section."

2. "I want to write this book in Greek. English is just boring to me.
All the books are written in English and they just don't challenge me

3. "Since this book will have my name both on the cover and spine,
thus in actuality my name will appear twice, I wish to be paid twice."

4. "Please note I have included a cover of my own design in this
envelope which features a naked woman holding a turtle. The name of
the book I am proposing is "Attack of the Turtle Harem Girls". I don't
have a plot or anything but I don't think that will be a major part
of the book anyway."

5. "I have a story, I have a concept, I have a dream. Just one problem
I have is with the characters. I know I'm a good writer and can do
this so can I use NO CONTINUING characters whatsoever? I don't
see why these books always have to be about this Doctor Who guy

6. "I want to build some character in this book, so can I make K-9
a female dog with some interesting mental problems and an abusive

7. "I am sorry to recieve notice that you rejected my last novel 'The
Pit of The Deep of Lungbarrow' I hope that you will enjoy this, my next
submission, of 'The Death Of the Terror of the Kroll'."

8. "I am surprised and shocked that you referenced my scenes with the
Daleks as 'gratuitous and confusing'. Obviously when you first
saw the book in question 'The Death of the Terror of Kroll'
you assumed to see scenes and sequences featuring Kroll, from
the TV story Power of Kroll. Yet I heard that you can't use
Daleks very much so if I called them "Krolls" but described them
as Daleks and had them shouting "EXTERMINATE!" a lot that people
would be pleased because they'd soon realise it was a book about
DALEKS and not about that stupid Kroll Monster!!"

9. "Okay get this idea, Doctor Who is Will Smith and he's been bustin'
ET's ass across the got me so far?"

10. "Even though I am SURE this is completely against policy, I have
written a third season First Doctor story in which nothing really
terrible happens to Dodo."

Charles Daniels  6/8/99


[Subject: Re: Weekly Stats 03/08]

Charles Daniels  wrote:

>Susannah Tiller wrote:
>> Charles Daniels wrote:
>>> YES! It was once a good thread but it long ago fell from grace and
>>> now serves Spamodeus Arch Demon of Usenet

>> But we will *fight*! We call on the thread to come into the light!
>> Come into the light, brother, and be saved from the foul pits of
>> cancelbots!!!!

>NO! Never suffer an evil to live! It is beyond redemption! Kill it
>now and forever let it's demon blood run over the purified earth!

Brothers and sisters of RADW! Are we to believe the word of a man who
suffers from intrusive apostrophes? NO! I tell you this is merely the
outward extrusion of a far deeper evil, an evil that demands no
redemption for this thread. Cast him into the outer darkness and let
this thread LIVE!

Mike Sivier  6/8/99


[Subject: Re: 10 easy ways to get your book rejected by the BBC]

Another ten of them. You may begin screaming.

10. The Doctor battles an ancient "good" from the Dawn Of
Time. You see, for every ancient evil, there was an ancient
good. Unfortunately, this particular good got sloshed in a
pub, and ...

9. "You see, I got this idea watching WQED the night they
ran a marathon that would either keep the Doctor on the air
or be a wild goodbye party. It's called 'The Doctor Who
Saturday Night Fever'. In the climax, the Doctor, John
Travolta, Davros, the Cast of Ballykissangel, and Leonard
Nimoy square off in a battle do determine who the best
dancer is. Winner gets control of the galaxy."

8. I know it's next to impossible to adequately portray the
Daleks in book form. Only John Peel has done it
successfully, and then only when he novelized other
peoples' stories. So, I'm going to use a different monster.
I'm sure Paramount would be more then willing to loan out
the use of the Borg, wouldn't you say?

7. To save the universe, the Doctor must destroy a piece of
sludge on the Information Superhighway. The name of the
sludge - rec.arts.drwho. (Sorry, that belongs in the Top 10
easy ways to get your book *accepted*.)

6. Time-Flight: The Dinosaur Menace - prequel to Time-
Flight setting up how the Master got stuck there and taking
on the identity of Kalid.

5. Once upon a time, there was a person who travelled time
and space in a Type 40 TARDIS exploring the unknown and
protecting the innocent from oppression. This is not his
story. Instead, we focus on a donut store employee in
Zanzibar, and his troubles selling expensive donuts in an
impoverished country.

4. Jim Mortimore is too optimistic. I wish to show the dark
side of all that chaos and destruction. Maybe ratchet up
the death toll a bit.

3. I have a great idea. One question - what on Earth is
Doctor Who?

2. The Doctor trades bodies with Sheryl Crow so that he can
sing "If It Makes You 'Appy" at the right time to fight off
an alien invasion.

1. The Tony Blair Project - three college film-makers
design the perfect robot for use in their horror movie.
Clever, seductive, and ready to move England into the Dark
Ages. Unfortunately, they are killed by a blair witch that
happens to be passing by. Now, the robot has awaken and
stolen the identity of a member of Parliament who was in
line to be the PM in the event his party ever took over.
Can the 8th Doctor sort it all out in time for his tea with
Mrs. Thatcher? Read and find out.

Benjamin F. Elliott  7/8/99


In article <7obssj$q0f$>,
Meddling Mick  wrote:

>Pyramids of Mars would still be a great story whether Davison (or
>whoever) was in the role at the time surely?

"Then I curtsey you Sutekh, hmm, yes, indeed I do. And I curse you as
well, I shall. Hee hee! For you are an unspellable abdomen...
abominable... You sir are detestable! I can scent it, er sense it.
Mmm, yes. And I like to go walking and arrive before I set out too,
but you've got me trapped in this force field, hmm, so I suppose
that's out, yes?"

R.J. Smith  7/8/99


[Subject: Re: 10 easy ways to get your book rejected by the BBC]

10. And then the Doctor said, "You know Mr Grade, you lousy scumbag,
if I had it my way, I'd have all you BBC executives shot. But only if
I had it my way."

9. "Ace, I keep telling you I don't like oral sex, so stop blowing me
under the Tardis console!" (7th Dr)

8. "Sam, I keep telling you I like oral sex, so get on your knees and
blow me under the Tardis console." (8th Dr)

7. "Once in a while, it's fun to beat the old Sontaran."

6. "AHHHH, it's the Master again!" The Doctor yelled out. "That son of

5. "Klingons, Romulans, The Borg... I'm telling you Fitz, I wish we
had the copyright to all these."

4. The Doctor had been working busily at the Tardis console for what
seemed like ages. Every once in a while he'd look over at Sam, lick
his lips, and scratch his crotch. Then he'd shake his head, and go
back to concentrating on the manhood at hand. (*the preceeding
contains an editing mistake)

3. "Oh shit!" The Doctor cried out. Those pork ribs were really making
using the toilet a pain in the ass.

2. "Yes, but I keep telling you, I'm not human - I have *FOUR*

1. A shriek echoed through the Tardis corridors. The Doctor had
accidentally gotten his penis caught in the ventilation system again.

Azaxyr  7/8/99


[Subject: Re: 10 easy ways to get your book rejected by the BBC]

11. Write shit.

Not that it'll *necessarily* get you rejected, of course...

Keith  8/8/99


[Subject: If I were hospitalised with Psoriasis...]

...and being greased down below like Philip Marlow then these
Pertwee/McCoy threads would be the first thing I would think about to
prevent any embarrassing emissions.

Gareth Thomas 


Stephen Graves wrote:
>Mansoor Mir wrote...

Re Adric-hate

>>It's because of his awful dress sense.  For some reason the Doctor
>>wearing the same clothes every story seems right (after all, he
>>probably has a Batman Returns-style wardrobe).  However, when a
>>companion sees fit to wear the same horrid vomit yellow costume
>>day in day out you have to question his personal hygene and
>>fashion sense.

>Not to mention Tegan's purple thing, and Nyssa's fairy skirt...

I missed the episodes where he wore those. Thank god.

Daniel Frankham  9/8/99


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