The rec.arts.drwho Quote File - July/August 2000

Courtesy of Robert J. Smith

Submissions and comments should be sent to Robert Smith)

Guest Editor this month: Ed Jefferson

Urm, so yeah, there's this quotefile thing you see, and I sort of
accidentally asked if I could do, and this Robert guy says yeah, you
can do it. Next thing I know is, all these quotes have turned up. So I
edited them. Yeah? And then it bloody well happened again.

They may or may not make any sense, but they should be better than my
first go. If it's completely screwed, please send any insults and
flames to Or just anyone you hate.


On Fri, 14 Jul 2000 19:01:22 +0100, "Gareth Thomas"
(> wrote:
>"Jonn Elledge" (> wrote in message

>> Yeah? Well Jonn Elledge fucks sheep, has crap taste in Who, and can't
>spell his
>> own name. He should have been shot at birth, the long haired loony
>Gareth Thomas occasionally puts a knife into the fork drawer by mistake.

I've never heard it called that before.

Daniel Frankham (> 15/7/00

Fett wrote in message
>Ok, I'm getting tired of the recent seriousness here so I figure I'm gonna have
>a little fun and just ask the simple question, where is everyone from? Chances
>are someone's STILL going to wind up flaming me for this thread (and I have 2
>or 3 prime candidates who would do that to me but shall remain nameless) , but
>hey, I'm just trying to lighten things up for the moment with a simple question
>whose answers can't be flamed (or shouldn't be). So here goes:
> I have the unfortunate luck to live in Philadelphia, PA in the USA.

Susan married David Campbell.  They are happilly married and run a chip shop
in Kent.  They have four children

Ian and Barbara enjoyed a torrid affair during their time with the Doctor,
but upon returning to 1960s London, Ian got into hard drugs and Barbara left
to join the Maharishi in India.

Vicki reorganised the ancient world upon a 25th century model, destroying
Earth's history in the process and single-handedly becoming the cause of all
of Doctor Who's adventures.

Steven married a savage woman called Sheela, and they had one daughter who
later vanished with a suspicious-looking man who talked to himself and ate

Ben and Polly sought out Dodo and enjoyed a long menage a trois.  All of
them died of the clap during the 1980s.

Jamie married Morag MacAdam.  They live in Aberdeen with Morag's mother.

Victoria was locked in a loveles affair with Mr Harris for years before his
wife Maggie discovered the truth.  She was left destitute and turned to
prostitution before finding God.  She now runs a home for battered wives in
the Eastbourne area.

Zoe married Tanya Lernov.  They live in Space City 3 on Uranus.

Liz Shaw started an affair with TV's Louise Jameson, whom she starred with
in a series of cheap spin-off videos.  They live in Cambridge.

Jo Grant dumped that Welsh geezer for an Amazonian Chief.  She now likes to
be known as Great Mother Serendipity.

Sarah Jane is often seen out and about in deepest Mummerset with her robot
dog, K9.  Her hobbies include jogging, driving her open-top Metro, and
sipping wine.

Harry and Mike Yates own a fruit farm in Devon.

Leela is Doctor Who's mother.  She writes to her son from her home in the
Southern Mountains of Gallifrey, often enclosing a crisp new fiver.

Romana died.  Very horribly.

Adric miraculously escaped Beryl Reid's spaceship and now lives with his gay
lover in the US of A.

Tegan and Nyssa set up their own chain of highly fashionable hair salons,
known as Tee 'n' Nyss.  Tegan is divorced, and Nyssa is married with
fourteen children.  In her spare time she likes to repopulate her homeworld.

Turlough became President of his planet, but was assassinated by
anti-ginger fanatics.

Peri divorced Yrcanos and moved to Alpha Centauri where she became a cabaret

Mel Glitz is the Queen of Sebastopol V, and rules her subjects with a rod of

Dorothy McShane no longer pretends she is eight years younger than she
really is, and has quietly stopped trying to sound like teenagers from the
very early eighties.  She is married to TV's Sylvester McCoy.  They have two
children and a dog called Bonnie.

Bernice Summerfield remarried Jason Kane, then divorced him again when she
discovered his real name was Dave Stone and he was the author of "Burning

Roz Forrester faked her own death before murdering everyone in the whole
world and declaring herself the Queen of Outer Space.

Chris Cwej regenerated into Lawrence Miles and wrote a number of highly
acclaimed/widely derided novels.

Samantha Jones had a sex change operation in 2004.  She is now known as Jon
Blum and lives with her partner in Australia.

Fitz Kreiner admitted to himself that he was a failed experiment who only
worked in books writen by Justin Richards, Paul Leonard and Paul Cornell.
He topped himself on New Years Day 2000.

Compassion decided she didn't like being a TARDIS and moved to a semi in
Milton Keynes.  She has two cats.

Doctor Who is missing, presumed dead.

Matt Michael (> 14/7/00


[Books I would like to see]

'Revenge of the Cat People'

I always thought of Mel's offer of 'carrot juice' as a smutty

Another of Mike Tucker's masterpieces detailing what *really* happened
after Survival, unlike those lying NAs

'Attack of the Cat People'

Let's be more like the Star Trek range. 'Doctor Who meets the X-Men'

A book so adult and mature, all the characters say is 'fuck' or 'shit'

'Evil of the Cat People'

Imagine this: the Doctor opens a burger bar. But across the road, the
Master does the same...

We've never seen the first Doctor rip off someones head... until now!

'Horror of the Cat People'

The Macra vs the Voord - a fastinating idea that I feel only Gary
Russell can pull off properly

A glorious and literate novel by that genius Mike Tucker showing how
all the BF audios are lying pieces of shit (apart from the ones he
wrote or liked)

Da Cat Badge (> 15/7/00


On Sun, 16 Jul 2000 20:28:19 +0100, Chris Cwej
(> wrote:
>Speaking of the Sensorites, a question concerning the removal of the
>TARDIS lock.  When the lock slides out of the hole there's a small
>puff of smoke which is reasonable enough. However, there's gallons of
>the stuff coming from just off camera, i.e. nowhere near the TARDIS.
>Anyone want to suggest what could be causing all this smoke near to
>the TARDIS, apart from an over enthusiastic special effects guy?

Perhaps, off-screen, somebody was simply having a larf by setting the
Fat Sensorite's beard on fire?

SENSORITE: 'Help!  Help!  I'm on fire!'

SUSAN: 'Look!  Look at him running with those funny feet!'

"Meddling Mick" (> 16/7/00


[Filming in Epsom Downs...]

> My bet is that they filmed something else, Who-related, like a comedy
> sketch or something.

Isn't that wierd? Because a friend of mine also believes that he
filmed an episode of Dr Who last week. This is how the conversation

ME: Oh hi Neal. Do anything interesting?

NEAL: Yeah, I was in an episode of Dr Who!

ME: Do tell more old chap

NEAL: Well, I was walking along the street when a man came up to me
and said "hey mate, do you want to be in a... TV drama" And I said
"What, Doctor Who?" And he said "yeah... why not"

ME: Wow - where was it set.

NEAL: Well, the set was designed to be like a seedy upstairs flat

ME: Was it in BBC televison centre?

NEAL: No, a block of flats somewhere. Anyway, for this scene I was a
captive, and was tied up on a bed

ME: Oh no. Who was the baddy? Was it the Daleks?

NEAL:  No, It was the Master... I think. Well, that's what I had to
call him anyway. And he had a long tubular instrument


NEAL: I didn't see it properly. I couldn't crane my neck that far
behind me

ME: Oh yeah? So you were like... being tortured?

NEAL: Yeah, but more... abused. Anyway, after the scene with the
whips, they said I could go. I think I've got a recurring part - the
man said if I wanted another go I should pop round next week.

ME: have you got a pay slip?

NEAL: No, he just gave be a bunch of used notes. But they're gonna
send round a video of the finished product. Want to watch.

ME: Yeah, why not?

Da Cat Badge (> 18/7/00


[A telesnap quickie]  (JeffWorks) wrote:
>Could someone put me in touch with Darren Gregory?

You might try Wormwood Scrubs.

Ed Jefferson (edjefferson@aol.comiluvjam> 19/7/00


[BBV ONLINE - The big reveal...]

(> wrote...
> Described as a psychological thriller in the vein of BBV's previous
> P.R.O.B.E. series, CYBERON is a psychological thriller in the vein
> of BBV's PROBE series

Wow.  William Hartnell's writing spam for BBV now!  :-)

Paul_Pippa (> 19/7/00


>> Most of Bulis's books skulk in the sixties.
>> Occasionally he rises into the seventies and not
>> infrequently he falls into the fifties, but for the
>> most part he appears to be dependably so-so.
> And next week, Major Styre runs a detailed and
> innovative analysis to determine that human beings
> with South African accents don't like having their
> heads hacked off.

R.J. Smith (smithrj2@mcmail.cis.McMaster.CA> 19/7/00


[Re: Book scores #9: Terrance Dicks]

Gordon Dempster wrote:

> I find it very difficult to believe that there is not
> one, but two books considered worse than The
> Eight Doctors. Out of interest, which ones?

An excellent question!  But first a fanfare and some balloons.

Welcome, ladies and gentlemen, to the annual Shite Book Festival.  One day I
realised that I'd spent too much time complaining about the garbage so often
published under the Who logo.  I was wrong and I have seen the light! Life is
not for whinging!  Clearly BBC Books *wanted* to give us crap, so we should
rejoice and turn our attention to the messiest, squelchiest ploppies at the
bottom of the septic tank.  Thus today we celebrate...  THE WORST DOCTOR WHO

This ceremony will be held in two halves.  Firstly, we shall consider the votes
of the online community, courtesy of Shannon's latest online rankings! There
was fierce competition for the title of Worst 8DA Ever, but eventually we
narrowed the field down to the following contestants.

War Of The Daleks               55.5%
Coldheart                       55.4%
Longest Day                     51.6%
The Eight Doctors               48.2%
Legacy Of The Daleks            48.1%
Beltempest                      46.8%

As you can see, Legacy of the Daleks only beats The Eight Doctors by a nose.
That was an exciting photo-finish, I can tell you!  But proudly clear of both
of those offerings is Beltempest, romping home with a complete lack of
characterisation or comprehensibility!

(Actually I rather like it.  But the people have spoken.)

Mind you, not only 8DAs can attain those coveted forties.  Two striking novels
even managed the *thirties*, which I think deserves a minute's respectful
silence as we contemplate the degree of talent and commitment required for this
achievement.  Here are those brave, upstanding champions of the cause.

Parasite                        49.1%
The Paradise Of Death           48.4%
Timewyrm: Apocalypse            45.6%
Divided Loyalties               45.0%
The Ghosts Of N-Space           39.8%
The Pit                         33.9%

The second half of this presentation revolves around the votes of DWM, that
magazine which deserves a special prize of its own for promotion and
intelligent up-to-the-minute discussion of the books!  Sadly the next issue
features an interview with Justin Richards and perhaps even some actual
discussion of what's going to be happening, but we're sure that this
backsliding will soon be rectified and fandom will be back to its usual state
of pointless division!

We've heard rumours that Justin Richards is actually talking to the DWM
editorial team and even taking an interest in what's going on, but frankly this
sounds a bit far-fetched to us.  What's wrong with continued moronic
indifference, eh?

But on with the votes!  DWM 266 reveals that its readers gave The Eight Doctors
a healthy 65% approval rating, which on their accumulated polls is better than
23 NAs, 13 MAs, 14 8DAs, 4 PDAs and a couple of Benny books.  To list all those
would be almost as boring as the books we've come to celebrate, but we can at
least give an honourable mention to those outstanding books attaining a DWM
poll score in the forties or lower.

Parasite                        49.6%
Dreamstone Moon                 49.1%
The Pit                         47.2%
Legacy Of The Daleks            46.2%
Transit                         45.6%
Interference                    43.2%

Interestingly, to make this list it's not enough for a book to be execrable.
No nominee will be considered if it doesn't star the current Doctor, either
being an NA or an 8DA.  Furthermore, we note that a healthy dose of
experimentation or "rad"-ness is usually required, unless the fanwank of your
book is truly extraordinary.  Yes, John Peel, we mean you.

I consider myself honoured - yes, honoured - to have been given the opportunity
of paying actual money for the books I've discussed today.  Many people have
had the extreme fortune of reading them.  Some even went on to buy further
Doctor Who books, though in retrospect this seems surprising.

Ladies and gentlemen, I thank you.

Finn Clark (> 19/7/00


Fitz, Fitz,
The lovable schnook,
His girlfriend dies
In every book.

Fitz, Fitz,
A good musician,
He'll take abuse
On every mission.

Let's kill his mom,
Let's watch him bolt,
He'll be brainwashed,
And put in a cult,

Fitz trries to be dashing,
He tries to be cool,
Just for that we're gonna
make him our tool.

Fitz has been a Nazi,
Fitz has been a clerk,
Let's mutate him into
An old faction jerk

And fix it so Fitz
Is not who he thinks,
But just a bad xerox
That walks, talks, and blinks.

Then just for a laugh,
We'll give him a rest,
He'll think that at last,
It turned out for the best,

But wait!  It's the Matrix!
And it didn't happen.
So ha-ha, dear Kreiner,
you've taken ze krappen.

He's got to be pissed,
His heart's always broken,
But what can he do?
He'll just keep on jokin'

We put this poor guy
Through all sorts of Hell,
Because Fitz is just us,
And we punish ourselves.

Rufus T. Firefly (> 20/7/00


[Light Barrier Broken]

You utter, utter b*****ds!!! Every time I fix that barrier, one of you
contemptible bampots goes and sticks your ship into lightspeed, warp,
jumpspace, fifth gear or whatever and breaks the bloody thing again!
I'm running out of duct tape here! The superglue ran out six months
ago, the only thing keeping it together is some blu-tac. For the love
of Tom! Will you silly buggers stop this insanity!

Gordon Dempster (> 21/7/00


In article (>,
> Aidan Folkes (> wrote:

 >In article (>, Brian
>(> writes
>>I though this might make an interesting topic.
>>There must be some people who have a theory on how the Tardis
>>works....not matter how wild it is.
>Somebody walks into the TARDIS. They stop the tape, move the TARDIS,
>rewind the tape, fade between the TARDIS and the not TARDIS.
>Which is dematerilisation.
>At which point the TARDIS is loaded onto the back of a truck, and
>transported to it's destination. At which point they set up without the
>TARDIS, film for a bit, wind back and then mix to the TARDIS in situ.
>At least that's how the BBC seem to do it :-)

Only because William Hartnell dropped the BBC TARDIS's fluid link back in
1963 and the chit for a new one still hasn't been approved by BBC

Donald Campbell (> 22/7/00


Gordon Dempster (> wrote in message
> "William December Starr" (> wrote in message
> news:8li95u$cib$
> >
> > Okay, now you've got me curious.  What's the stupidest method of
> > time travel ever?
> Whatever it is it can't beat the book where a man travels through time
> by masturbating. And before anyone asks, no I don't know the name
> of the book, but I will check it up tomorrow.
Did he make a wheezing, groaning sound?

Gavin Winters (> 24/7/00


[The new books are too dangerous and just invent things]

> Yeah. Personally I never forgave the Bastard who Invented the Time
> Travel thing. Until then it'd been a nice series about two teachers.
> [Distant Dave]

    That would have been awesome.  Every week Barbara and Ian meet some
new weird threat to their school.  Week one was the time travelling old
guy and his weird daughter.  Next week could have been brainleeches who
attach themselves to the spinal cords of students taking them over.  Or
the best episodes yet, some trashcans get plungers attached to them and
run around screaming "Exterminate!"  And then eventually the movie
"Teacher Training Day" (TTD4) where Ian and Barbara thwart and alien
invasion by feeding them school cafeteria food.  A Hideous End.  :-)

Tony Velasquez (> 26/7/00


[Would you rather have a TV series or a book series?]

A TV series would be perfect for those Doctor Who stories which
are too narrow and shallow for the printed page.

Adric (> 26/7/00


Cliff Bowman wrote:
> Being sat on the throne would at least
> be convenient during large stretches
> of proof-reading WotD :)

Indeed.  Its pages are soft and absorbent.

Finn Clark (> 26/7/00


[The new books are too dangerous and just invent things]

Old books can be dangerous too.  Last week I got mugged by Bleak House,
and there's a rumour that The Mayor of Casterbridge has been accused of
armed robbery.

OTOH Northanger Abbey has just invented remote-controlled electric
toenail clippers, so it's not all bad news.

Paul_Pippa (> 27/7/00


"kevin white" (> wrote in message

> >Technically "bug-eyed" refers to anything with eyes like a bug's be it
> >insect, potato or a particularly elaborate tornado, so you can take your
> >asinine post and bug-eye off.
> >
> >Gareth Thomas
> >
> Still sour after losing the Liberator Gareth ?
There is no combination of computer keys - no emoticons, no '(...>'s, no
nothing - that will allow me to attach the right degree of sarcasm to the
phrase "I've never heard *that* one before."

Gareth Thomas (> 27/7/00


"Cipher" (> wrote in message
> In article (8lt7q0$bis$>,
> (LunchLady) logged on, tripped an Echelon filter,
> had it intercepted and relayed through a secure NSA mail server, who in
> turn posted it to Fluffy's Usenet:
> > In article (8lt5r0$na2$>, £ord Ha-Ha
> > (laughing@you-not-with-you> wrote:
> >
> > > (The Doctor) wrote :
> > >
> > > >Sarah Cox of Radio 1 fired for explicit language.
> > >
> > > What the fuck did she say to get her fired?
> >
> > Who the fuck knows. Thank fucking God we all don't work for that
> > cock-sniffing, shit eating, rectum rimming fuckhead that she worked for.
> It's fucking censorous asshole cum gobblers like Radio 1 that piss me
> right the fuck off...
Yads, it seems your cross-posting lark has paid off and brought in some
invaluable new members.  These timid poet-philosopher types are exactly what
we need.

Gareth Thomas (> 29/7/00


Joxer (> wrote:

> > 10 - Two Doctor Who authors have a public slanging match on radw, in the
> > tradition of Cornell and McIntee.  Which two do you think would provide
> > the most entertainment for the rest of us?
> Pip Baker and Jane Baker

Jane: I'd just like everyone to know that *he* wrote that line about
'the catharsis of spurious morality'. I opined that it was extravagantly
sesquipedalian, and I vouchsafed that asseveration at the time.

Pip: Female canine quadruped! I execrate the diurnal period I ever laid
ocular organs on you.

Jane: You scion of unbetrothed progenitors -- though craniophallus might
be a more apposite epithet...

Oh god. I've lost the will to live.

Miche Doherty (mdoherty@mac.comNoSpam> 31/7/00


"Neil Perryman" (> wrote in message
> Close groupings of the letter 'K' always spell trouble and doom...

Which is odd when you think about it, given how many "k's" there are in
"trouble and doom".

Cliff Bowman (c.bowman@linetwo.internet> 3/8/00


"Neil Perryman" (> wrote in message

> What I'm trying to say is this: did the Benny NA's make a conscious
> decision to parallel events in the BBC range, or was Lawrence Miles
> just taking everyone for a ride?

AFAICS Lawrence was, in many respects, taking them all for a ride.  Once
the passengers found out what the destination was they decided amongst
themselves that they should go elsewhere.  Lawrence threatened to leave
and, with no real dissenting comment, promptly did so.  It was only AFTER
the crash that the passengers started to worry about who was driving.

"Cliff Bowman" (c.bowman@linetwo.internet> 3/8/00


[ REVIEW: Imperial Moon (NO SPOILERS) ]

A spoiler-free account of the rebooting of the Bulis AI following its
systems breakdown after completing Imperial Moon.

01 0110 1

Good news, sir. We've reactivated the Bulis program.

Can it hear us?

We think so, sir. We've managed to recover the electronic cut-and-paste
function, anyway. The program's originality and writing talent are still
offline, but it's performed quite adequately without those.

Hmm. You sure?

Device of Death and Twilight of the Gods 1, sir.

Good point. It would be nice to get it all running, but I guess we'll just
have to reboot the AI on 93%.

94%, sir.

I thought I ordered at least 7% actual sentience in the Bulis?

It blew during Eye of the Giant, sir.

Ah yes, I remember your report. Have you downloaded the memory core?

No, sir.

Well, then?

101 1
100 010 0111 0021
111 00010

It's ready, sir.

About time, too. So what happened?

The Curse of Kamelion, sir.

I thought we fixed that during...

10101 1000 101 0
10110 1100 10101 1001 1101 1 10101 101
10101 10011 101 1 10100 10110 10011 101

....except for its being a godawful book, sir.

Well, apart from that.

That was just a temporary solution, sir. Don't forget it was only a fanwank
cameo. This is a full-blown appearance for Kamelion, set during his
on-screen era. He's completely wasted and hardly does enough to justify his
back-cover billing, but even that's enough to activate the Curse.

Did it damage the rest of the book?

Possibly, but it's always hard to tell with the Bulis.

The regulars?

Davison's portrayal is in line with the accepted standard - in other words,
mediocre. Turlough, however, is... different. He's insecure, he's concerned
about image and he gets a stupid romance. Yes, he's become Fitz.  Together
with a bland and faceless Doctor and some bizarrely pointless temporal

complexities involving a diary, this felt almost like an 8DA.

That bad?

Well, not quite. For obvious reasons the Bulis AI likes pastiche and here it
came up with a beauty. Steampunk. Doctor Who's flirted with it in the past,
but this is the real McCoy. Queen Victoria sends spaceships off to the moon,
whereupon begins a happily mindless adventure that's evocative of the worst
of Wells and Verne. Tally ho for queen and empire! Even L. Rider Haggard
might have felt twinges of political correctness on seeing some of Imperial
Moon's lunar inhabitants.

Oh dear. The Bulis didn't try to do cod Victorian prose, did it?

I'm afraid so, sir.

How bad?

Unreadable. But it only lasts a few chapters.

I suppose we should be grateful for small mercies. I suppose the
characterisation is down to the usual standard?

It's worse, sir. One character gets an interesting twist, but otherwise
they're all straight from a thirties cliffhanger serial. They're utterly
predictable. Even the Bulis itself did better in its last two books.

Surely at least it's an easy read?

It's not even that, sir. The cod Victorian chapters are just awful, but even
the rest of the book seems to have been infected. It's a bit of a grind,
frankly. There's a clever twist in the tail, but by then you're too
demoralised to care. And the Doctor wins at the end by doing something so
shockingly unDoctorish that I'd have hit the roof if I hadn't been
near-comatose at the time.

So what's it like overall?

Despite myself, I enjoyed it for the imagery. Steampunk is lots of fun and
the Victoriana in space is solidly presented. The Bulis keeps you wondering
throughout about whether this is a parallel universe or what. I even found
myself secretly enjoying the book's main romance.

Gracious! I hope you're ashamed of yourself!

They may be cardboard characters, sir, but that's almost half the fun.  It's
like listening to a song to which you can sing along.

Would you recommend the book?

Not even to Bulis fans. I liked its last two books, but even I thought this
was mostly rubbish.

Thank you, that should be enough data. We'll plug that into the Bulis and
get it working on the next as soon as possible. We'll need another quest
plot, a few laughable characters and its random encounter tables...

10101 101
101 1111 100

"The Doctor and Sarah-Jane Smith marched down the corridor towards the lair
in which Davros, creator of the Daleks, had been secretly plotting to reveal
why all the Dalek stories since Evil had been retconned by splink mng ih

o 1000 101 1100 10001."

Software engineer! We got a crossed wire with the Peel!

Finn Clark (> 7/8/00


[Paul Cornell in this month's SFX - Is he right?]

Merlin The Time Traveller wrote:

>I think Paul has completely run out of ideas, and isn't going to write any
>more DW novels (Hooray!), so he can >now revert to the nasty bastard he's
>always been, because he doesn't have to worry about bad reviews from radw
>or >hurt sales.

Yes, I fully expect him to restart his baby-strangling campaign any day
now.... But only in the Id of fandom's paranoid side. ;)

MAPPY the Mouse (> 7/8/00


[What's with that one skull? Aug 8]

"Rufus T. Firefly" wrote:
>And why does it have to be on the cover of every third EDA?

They're not actually all the same skull. Shortly after Black Sheep first
started operation, one of the artists found a box full of the things at a
market, and he brought them in to the office. Now they're all over the
place. The bosses give them out to the employee of the month, and Christmas
bonuses are a check and a skull (and sometimes jam).
The result of this, naturally enough, is that every time an artist is stuck
for an idea, he just has to look, and there's a happy little skull smiling
at him.

K. M. Wilcox (> 8/8/00

101 Uses for a Skull, #29: Wind chimes.


Now, for the first time ever, the definitive document of the Pertwee era:
The Baz 'n' Tel Master Plan:

Doctor Who is fiddling with the TARDIS console/ fiddling with Bessie/
fiddling with Jo when...
The Brigadier/ a Time Lord/ the tea lady comes and tells him about...
Mysterious goings-on in Aldbourne/ mysterious goings-on in a quarry off the
A1/ mysterious goings-on on Metebelis 3
So the Doctor agrees to investigate/ is coerced into investigating/ has
already heard and is on his way.
When he gets there he discovers there's an alien invasion/ there's a mad
scientist/ the Silurians...
So he calls for UNIT/ for the "perthon in charge"/ for the tea lady...
But instead meets a corpulent Civil Servant/ a hirsute American agent/ Aggedor,
And says 'Do fuck up'/ 'Do pith off'/ 'You're the nark, aren't you? It was
you wot grathed on uth!'
The Brigadier phones Geneva/ says, 'I'm pretty certain it's Cromer'/ says
'Chap with wings there, five rounds rapid!'
The Doctor says, 'Hai!'/ says 'I reversed the polarity of the neutron flow'/
falls into a coma.
Then there's a chase/ a fight/ Jo falls over.
The villain turns out to be the Master/ the Master / the Master.
And so the Doctor lets him escape/ doesn't stop him from escaping/
accidentally lets him get away.
Then they all laugh/ they all dance/ they all wear eyepatches.


Matt Michael (> 9/8/00


[Harry Potter Meets The Doctor??]

>Are we about to see one of the worlds biggest modern fictional literary
>hero's, Harry Potter, meet our beloved >Doctor in an upcoming book? "
>J.K.Rowling, Author of 4 Harry Potter books has been signed on to write a
>novel in our Doctor Who range of >novels. We should see something peened by
>her within two years" says my sourse at BBC publishing. It isnt known
>wether Rowling will write a PDA or an EDA, but you can be sure the book
>will be unique and may >even be snapped up by the eager buyers of the Harry
>Pooter range. Will Harry himself be featured in the book? Its >isnt know,
>but if Rowling does include him, you can be sure that this DrWho novel will
>becaome the biggest >seeling of the range. There is no other information at
>this time. ------------------- The Source -------------------

Meanwhile, a squadron of ariel pigs was recently spotted over Loch Ness,
where Elvis has recently crashed his UFO onto the monster. More news as it
doesn't come.

Andrew J. Brook (> 10/8/00


Daniel Gooley wrote:
> Why?  It seems a very strange thing to quibble about when we're talking about a
> group whose currency is paradox.

Very few of FP's activities seem to centre on paradoxes proper. They should
consider changing their name to Faction Narrative Incongruity as an
alternative to conviction under the Trades Descriptions Act.

Daniel O'Mahony (> 10/8/00


Kevin Parrott wrote in message (8n36f1$pvr$>...
> Anyone know what the up coming BF play Loups-Garoux is all about?

Given that Loups-Garoux is a french term for a werewolf-type creature,
I would imagine that it is about the rise and fall of the Roman Empire
as seen through the eyes of a 12 year old slave boy and his 9 year old

We interrupt this posting to apologise for the contraction by your
womble of the vicious 'Jerazk' virus. He is currently being kept in
quarentine and will be back as soon as he is cured

Dr von Tobermory, (> 12/8/00


Matt Michael (> wrote in message
> M. Blake wrote in message (8n1mco$4h1$>...
> >The true nature of the "Enlightenment", in the story of the same name,
> >is influenced by Immanuel Kant's philosophy.  Discuss.
> I kant even begin to answer this.
> Surely the influence is also Jungian, counterpointing the light with the
> dark, the ephemeral with the eternal, the imagination with the lack of
> imagination?

No, no, no, you're confusing ENLIGHTENMENT with the covers of the BBC

Tymelord (> 12/8/00


The Offsted report on Coal Hill was terrible: students and teachers going
missing left right and centre, some of them only turning up again years
later.  History and science classes gone to pot.  The Headmaster abandoning
his post.  Reports of huge amounts of vandalism, massive costs to re-tarmac
the playground.  Drug dealing and vice.  Only Grange Hill seems to have
fared worse.

Matt Michael (> 12/8/00


Cameron Mason wrote:
> It's time go out into the big, wide world of Doctor Who and bring back items
> of interest.
> Here's what I found.

*Lawrence Miles's copy of The Ancestor Cell, which has
various runes written in what looks suspiciously like
chicken's blood on every page.

*A rare unproofed copy of Shelf Life in which the reviewer
actually offers an opinion.

*A rather bafflingly shaped klein bottle

*The total income from Tom Baker's recent voiceover work
(includes the articulated lorry needed to carry it around).

*A rare unproofed Ray C Tate review which just says I
(heart> Daphne Ashbrook over and over again.

*A complete list of all the jokes in Season 18.

*The first draft of Divided Loyalties, before the final word
'suckers!' was removed.

*A copy of the Radio Times that somehow manages to get the
words 'Yartek, leader of the Alien Voord' in every photo

*A preview of the Wacky September Survey that just asks
worryingly intimate questions about everybody's mums.

*A copy of the criteria Roger Hancock has drawn up for
anyone who wants to use the Daleks, which features, amongst
other things, a clause stating that any potential writer
must paint themselves purple and walk around Ladbroke Grove
squawking 'peppermint!'

*A familiar-looking skull.

*The tape of a rather confused crank call by Jon Culshaw
where he accidentally does an impression of Colin Baker

*The torn-up DWAS membership card (honorary chairman Jon
Pertwee) formerly belonging to a Mr. P. Cornell.

*Some first draft scripts for the next series of Randall and
Hopkirk (Deceased), with some amendments by Reeves and
Mortimer written on the front saying 'Why aren't we in this
episode and why has Tom got a metal dog now?'

*Justin Richards' original plans for the Earth Arc, known as
the 'Rip Van Winkle strategy': rejected for being unable to
sustain six books.

*A copy of Tom Baker's stated criteria for doing a Big
Finish audio, which asks for, amongst other things, full
access to his local Oddbins, lots of pet decapitations, and
the same sort of money Burger King are paying him.

*A copy of a new book proposal, a collaboration between a
number of authors, which features as the enemy an evil
computer spellchecker currently operating somewhere in
London W12.

Klaus Pumpkin (> 12/8/00


[Big Finish makes National Newspaper]

Resisting the urge to just respond to the subject header with "Well,
that's one way to raise their profile AND diversify their product
range at the same time" instead I waded in and read the post...

Cliff Bowman (c.bowman@linetwo.internet> 20/8/00


On 22 Aug 2000 13:23:10 GMT, (Hte Trasme) wrote:

>>From: "Gareth Jelley"
>>And I DON'T want to see *The Adventures of Young Doctor Who*.
>ADVICE:  Do not read Divided Loyalties.

ADVICE (even if you *do* want to see 'The Adventures of Young Doctor
Who'):  Do *not* read 'Divided Loyalties'.

Meddling Mick (> 22/8/00


It was cloudy.  The Golden Grahams were few.  Not enough in the box to
fill a bowl.  Arthur poured them in.  He added milk.  He wanted to make
them last.  He ate them one at a time.  The first one was misshapen.  He
threw it out the window.  The window cleaner caught it in his mouth.
The second one was a perfect square.  Arthur ate that one.  Crunch.
Slurp.  Gulp.


Thanks mister resident-slapper-get-out-of-rut-one's-stuck-in-er I needed
that - caught in a right old Penswick warp I was, couldn't have composed
a long sentence if my lifetime's supply of malted cereal depended on
it.  It's this book I've been reading see? Took me nigh on a calendar
year to peruse it, what with it being the proverbial embodiment of all
that is execrable in Doctor Who novelisation.  Being a magnanimous
fellow, I thought I'd better give it a fair crack of the Nestle's
Instant - and that took time.

Given that The Pit is so notoriously bad that even my new window cleaner
of no moral compunction - he who wipes down the panes with a Yorkshire
Terrier dipped in creosote ("gives the glass a lovely finish Mister
Banana, and sod what the do-gooders think") - looks down upon it with
disdain, I considered it my duty to approach the book with an open
mind.  (The book down the street on a plinth outside Mrs Langoustine's
front garden; the open mind pulled on a bogey attached to a rope.
"'Ere put the roof up Mister Banana, I'm fair sweating in this sunlight."
"No way Open Mind, It would be prejudicial of me to put up the roof and
deprive the artist Neil Penswick the right to give his opus a fair

Mind, they aren't half short.  Subject verb object, that's about it
really.  Still took me year to finish it, but most of that was biting
the bullet to actually start it - once I'd picked it up I read it in a
single bath session and this with Skelton banging on the door and doing
his first generation cyberman voice ("HOOOOw LOOOng arE YoU goiNG to
bEeeee?  OOOTher PeopLLLLe waNT to UUUse thE BaathrOOm tOO yOu KNow.")

This book is no doubt illegal though in a way that isn't enforced any
more, you know the sort of thing:

1) The driver of a licensed Hansom carriage shall commit a felony if he
should fail to carry a bail of hay.

2) The police constable shall commit a felony if he shall fail to shield
a urinating yeoman with his cape.

3) The artist shall commit a felony if his mature novel has a reading
age of Seven.

It's quite possible that  Penswick's violated 3) but it's only an
archaic law that's still on the statute books.  He'll get away with it.

So these two anthropomorphisms arm-wrestle: on one side "Penswick's
attempting Orwellian simplicity of expression, but makin a hash brown
sans brown of it" and on the other "Penswick actually *has* a reading
age of seven".  I must grant victory to the former and concede that
Penswick's short sentences and monosyllables are an intentional
stylistic touch.  Mister "Marty" Magnaminity insists.  Doesn't work
though.  Perhaps a slightly wider vocabulary would help out here; would
point out the pitfalls of describing the monsters as "very nasty beasts,
with lots of teeth", or the interplanetary vehicles as "Space-Hoppers".
Would inject a little expression into the proceedings.

So null points for style, but does the Nordic singing accreditation
carry on to storyline as well?  You bet your honeybasted ass it does.
You see there was I picking my nose with a flail and wondering where all
the broken membranes and mucous and nasal hairs were, this activity
usually being none of the tidiest, when I realised that my the
wielding-weapon in question had shape-changed into to the well-manicured
finger of a Zen-garden miniaturist.  If only life was like that.
Shape-changers, eh?  Easy egress.  Bone JFK-Airport-minus-Wild to
include shape-changers in your narrative. No matter, it's done now.
Time to move on.

Motiveless murders?  Do me a favour … what sort of ground-rendering
expositional device is that?  You wanna write a book by Spyrograph or
something?  "MURDER!  NO MOTIVE!  This enigma to be unraveled by Major
Cardboard of the Cliché Police and his funky rhyming Martial Law/Holy
War backdrop."

NO WAY it's and ladders Snakes and Ladders, do me *another* favour -
Mousetrap is the metaphor for life's random nature, mate, what with that
little fella jumping off the diving board and not always hitting the
mark.  As every late 60s schoolboy bleedin' well KNOWS.

"'Ere watch where you're treading, Sly!  The ground's full of holes with
poets down the bottom - didn't yer read the signs?  "A little black
thing among the snow, crying 'weep weep' in notes of (THRUMP> OW!!!"
Don't say I didn't warn yer!"

Ripping stuff and no mistake.  That little marker yer aim yer bowling
balls at I mean.  Masonic conspiracy?  Not in this instance Sonny Jim,
thought I'd  tread the cultist conspiracy track this time.  So that's a
third one - don't make me ask for a *fourth* favour.  Purlease.

Further down The Spinal Tap catalogue we go.  Bloody Stone'enge again.

Why not give one of the other stone-circles their chance in the
limelight? Only last week I had Long Meg and her Daughters round my
front door pleading their case.  "It's not fair: we can stand in a ring
just as well as those overrated Wiltshire monoliths but as soon as
anyone wants a stone-circle for their story where do they go?
Stone'enge *every* bleeding time.  I mean how many more millennia are we
going to have to wait?"

You see they can put a cordon round the real Stone'enge to keep all the
druids and hippies and Time-Team lookalikes out but they can't put a
figurative cordon round Stone'enge as a plot setting to keep the
imaginatively sparse out.  Why's that then?  It's because yer very nasty
beasts with lots of sharp teeth insist on Stone'enge or no monolith ring
at all. Megalithic snobbery - that's all it is.   Favour number four
Neil, in your own time please.

I was discussing this Gallifreyan cover up malarkey with Mrs Langoustine
in an igloo just last Thursday, and she had some interesting comments on
the matter.  "When I'm grilling a kipper," she said "I always use
kitchen paper to take the grease from my hands and use it to buff up the
wooden furnishings.  It does give the sitting room a certain piscine
aroma but that is more than compensated for by the unique sheen that
only herring fat imparts.  Now when I was employed to clean round Jilly
Goolden's house twice a week she fair went ballistic - said that she
couldn't get the fish smell out of her nose; that this had destroyed her
capacity to suss out wines; that now every wine from the lowliest
Languedoc to the majestic queen of Chardonnay smelt like it had kippers
in it.   Don't tell anyone I can only smell kippers, she said - it'll
destroy my career, she said.  Paid me handsomely to keep my mouth

"Course I tried to sell my story to the tabloids for a tidy sum and do
you know what?  Not interested.  Never a week goes by without some fool
spinning a yarn about destroying a celebrity wine-taster's olfactory
capacity.  Old news, they said."

And that's what's up with this Gallifreyan cover-up shenanigans.  Old
news.  Your honest reader toils through yer reading age of Seven; and
yer exposition-by-Spyrograph; and yer very nasty beasts with lots of
teeth; and yer shape-changing nosepick flails; and yer poets down holes;
and yer Spinal Tap catalogue and quite rightly expects some not
insubstantial narrative reward at the end of it all - only to receive a
medium dollop of Gallifreyan cover-up. Old news.  Forget the five
favours - just give me lots of money for time served.

Arthur loosened his sarong.  It fell to the floor in a pile.  He carried
his nakedness to the bathroom scales.  They fled out of the door.  "Too
heavy, too heavy, don't stand on me, it hurts" they shouted.  Arthur
looked toward the door lest the scales should return.  He reached behind
to test the bathwater.  Just the right temperature! Hang on a second.
What is this object?  The loofah has fallen into the water.  Must put it
back on the rack.  It will get saturated.  Arthur's eyes still watched
the door.  Arthur fished the loofah from the water...

"WHHat tHe heLLL dO YYYoU TTheeeeNk  yOOOU arE DoooiNG???

"Oops, Sorry Mister Skelton, I was caught in another Penswick warp.


Thanks Roy.

Arthur Banana (> 23/8/00


(> wrote in message
> The TVM uses Madam Butteryfly alot in the intial Grace-Doctor scenes.
> Is there some metaphor or artistic reason for this? (my Opera is a
> little rusty)
> Just wondered!

They couldn't secure the rights to their original choice, "I've got big
balls" by AC/DC.

Rufus T. Firefly (> 23/8/00

Meddling Mick wrote:
>"Gareth Jelley" wrote:
>>Ah, one day I'll have the computer of my dreams...
>I don't want the computer of *my* dreams - it stalks me round the room
>trying to make me caress its keyboard against my will...

'ere, Mick, didn't you miss a letter off the end of that sentence?

Gallifreyan (> 24/8/00


[Note from Ed: I think this is Jonn nominating Gordon for the
Quotefile, rather than someone nominating Jonn, but I think they're
both hilarious so this goes in as a joint nomination]

Gordon Dempster wrote:
>"Lance Parkin" (> wrote:
>> Likewise Mr Saldaamir - there's a story to be told, but not
>> yet. For the moment, see if you can solve the groovy
>> mystery before the answer's spelt out.
>"It's Mr. Saldaamir! The bloke from the Advanced Research Project!"
>"And I would have gotten away with it if it weren't for you pesky kids!"

Congratulations on reaching the fabled quotefile. Population: you.

I think Saldamiir and I used to date, but I was pretty drunk for most of that
year, so it might just have been some ugly girl at college. With blue skin.

Gordon Dempster (> & Jonn Elledge
(> 25/8/00


"Jehosophat", it really is you.
3rd Dr to Master  (5 Drs)
None of this Koschei nonsense ;)

tony.reilly1 (> 26/8/00


"Brian Glen Palicia" (> wrote in message
> the sixth peice was not Princess Astra but Brigadier
> Lethbridge-Stewart?

Good Lord, no.  If that had happened, then we would later have had to
watch Mary Tamm regenerate into Nicholas Courtney, who would later put
on a schoolgirl outfit and frolic about with TomDoc in Paris.

Rufus T. Firefly (> 27/8/00


In article (>, John Long  (> wrote:
>And the last girl I messed with turned out to be one of the most stupid
>human beings that I've ever met.

This has been an excerpt from the "things that go without saying,
really" file.

Robert Smith? (smithrj2@mcmail.cis.McMaster.CA> 27/8/00


"R.J. Smith" (smithrj2@mcmail.cis.McMaster.CA> wrote in message
> In article (>,
> Hte Trasme (> wrote:
> >I've been trying to read all of the EDAs chronologically, but I'm having some
> >trouble finding The Placebo Effect at the moment
> Ahh, I remember those halcyon days before I had read Placebo Effect. Life
> seemed somehow sweeter and more pleasant... :-)

I remember them days, before Placebo Effect... rainbows in the sky....
children playing in fields, romping and frolicking with bunnies and
kittens.... people seemed to laugh more, then...

Rufus T. Firefly (> 27/8/00


[The worst reason to get hired...]

"Keith Brookes" wrote...
> Goes to Matthew Waterhouse.  He was hired because of his 'unusual face'.
> Oh that's a good thing, isn't it?
> 'Here's Matthew Waterhouse!  He has an unusual face!"

This poor bastard just can't get a break, can he? He works with an actor
with an honest open face and an actress who's just a mouth on legs, and
people end up picking on *him* because he was hired for his looks.

Allen Robinson (> 29/8/00


[Revelation of the Daleks]

J2rider (> wrote in message
> I missed the necrophilia part--where was that?

The Doctor grabs a corpse and literally shags the corpse's brain out in the
middle of Part One.

Cameron Mason (> 30/8/00


[And a good one to end on...]

Keith Brookes:
>When's the next quotefile coming out?
>I doubt that I'm in it, tho.  Haven't been here to say anything funny...
>Now, I could probably say something witty and urbane to end this post, but I
>think I'll just scream 'fuckwit' and run away.

Ah, the subtle "Trying to amuse through self-referentialism and -deprecation"
approach. Attempting to get quotefiled through meta-humour, are we?
Well, it won't work miladdo, we've all got your number and we are NOT falling
for it.
Mwahhahahahaha! I am Evil!

Jonn Elledge (jonnyossarian@aol.comstopit> 2/9/00

[Next month's QF is appropriately enough being brought to you by Keith
Brookes. Be suspicious if he quotes lots of his own stuff... ;-)]

Or something...
Ed Jefferson, posting through time from 2004
"My eyes! They fit perfectly."
not iluvjam BTW

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