The rec.arts.drwho Quote File - May/June 99

Courtesy of Robert J. Smith

Submissions and comments should be sent to Robert Smith)


R.J. Smith (smithrj2@mcmail.cis.McMaster.CA> wrote
> And I quite like the idea of it being a Time Lord mark of exile - I'd
> never encountered that theory until I saw it here on radw.

I have this strange image of inhabitants of Shada exchanging looks at each
others' tattoos. All these barcodes, Misos Triangles, skulls, etc. And the
Doc displaying "I luv my Mum" on one arm...

Dangermouse (> 13/5/99


[Jacqueline Hill]

>>(actually, he got me thinking...I'd love it if her surname was

DerekBD wrote:
>Actually I thought it was a set up for a limerick ...

>Jaqueline Jill went up the hill
>Her head wrapped in a turban....
>(someone clever finish this)

 Jac' fell down
 And broke her crown --
 The well was full of bourbon.

Daniel Frankham (> 13/5/99


JMoore9926 wrote:
>>> Titan

Simon Watkins (> wrote:
>> That's a satellite  (Saturn) isn't it ?

Charles Daniels (> wrote:
>Yes and one of the most interesting in the solar system as it has a rather
>unique atmosphere.

There's a couple of pubs in Leeds that are close, though.

Richard Smeltzer (> 15/5/99


[Subject: Ideas For EDA Covers]

With the BBC going back to their idea of big round things to cover the front
of the EDA's how long will it be before they run out of ideas?
Here are a few more possilblites that could be used.

1) Pizza
2) Magnifying Glass
3) CD
4) An Eye
5) A Polo
6)Target Sights of a Weapon
7) An Other Eye
8) Doughnuts (mmm)
9) Spy Hole (possibly with an eye through it)
10) A Roundabout
11) That Snake Thing That Eats It's Tail
12) Button Hole
13) Exhauts for a Car
14) A Plate
15) A Lightbulb
16) Rings of a Planet

Simon Marsh (> 15/5/99


[Subject: Re: WHY ISN'T LEELA DEAD ?]

Maybe she's just to dumb to figure out she's meant to get old, what
with all these timelords aging so slowly perhaps she forgot.

Cwej (> 15/5/99


[Subject: Re: My favorite villain quotes]

>oh , and that  Dalek recieving felatio off screen whilst tripping on the
>Thal drugs in serial B " Ahhhhh , Ah .....AAAH ...........ah

Cwej (> 15/5/99

----------------------------------------------------------------- wrote:
>I can think of  at *least* one other thing (well, in fact, it's a
>pair) that can be found "big and round". But honestly, I dont' think
>the Beeb would EVER go for them. Not in a line of mainstream books

Maybe not on the cover - but the actual books themselves are usually
bollocks  ;-)

Msquared (> 16/5/99


Stephen Watson (> wrote:
> Let's see: a recent car journey (4 hour round trip) accounted for
> the end of "The Stars My Destination", all of "Dominion" and the
> start of "The Witch Hunters".

And what's really impressive, folks, is that he was the _driver_. :-)

William December Starr (> 19/5/99


[Subject: Re: Yoda is William Hartnell]

Ken Carriere wrote:
>>I was just re-watching Empire Strikes Back, and I couldn't help thinking
>>how much Yoda reminded me of the First Doctor. Most of Yoda's first few
>> sentences end in "hmm?" with the same vocal inflection as Hartnell. And
>>he's  all rickety, needing a younger man to do all his physical labor.
And he
>>uses a cane, or walking stick, as the First Doc sometimes did.

David Hutchison wrote
>I got that impression myself... ;)
>I wonder if muppet voice actor Frank Oz -- or whoever it was who played
>Yoda -- developed that characterisation in that particular way
>intentionally, of if it just came out naturally...?

Naah, you guys have got it wrong:

Hartnell:  Ben Kenobi (old, grumpy git, snuffs it early on)

Troughton:  Yoda (short, comical, replaces Kenobi)

Pertwee:  C3PO (qunitethentially Englith, futhy, into technology)  (OK,
*you* try typing with a lithp)

T. Baker:  Vader (loud, larger than life, and barking)

Davison:  Luke (young, naive, works on a farm)

C. Baker:  Han Solo (cocky, arrogant, loudmouth, no dress sense)

McCoy:  Chewbacca (gurns a lot and rarely says anything I can understand)
(or as he's so short, maybe he's an Ewok?)

McGann:  Leia (very pretty, keeps on discovering brothers he never knew he

Hope that clears everything up.

Just trying to get out of my mind a picture of McGann in *that* gold

David Brider (> 20/5/99


[Subject: Re: And the rookie winner is...]

Tim Saward wrote:

>> Who else? It's Arthur Banana.

Susannah Tiller (> wrote:
> Speech! SPEECH!!!!!!!!!!

Arthur regrets he cannot make tonight's ceremony as he is concentrating
on his 'Saturated Fat' sequence of erotic fiction, - tales that bring
to the forefront the sensuality that was always inherent to
Literature's more generously built characters.  Arthur insists that this
will be no mere sexual titillation involving fat people as he has no
patience for shallow prejudice. He hopes that these stories will convey:
tenderness, and erotic contact; humour, and erotic contact; whipping up
a nice Spaghetti Bolognaise for a few friends just on the spur of the
moment, and erotic contact; checking your watch against the speaking
clock, and erotic contact; nipping down the all-night garage for some
ciggies and a can of Tango, plus erotic contact...

Arthur is currently working on a crossover sequence of stories that
feature Roland Browning, 'Matron' from Carry on Doctor and The Michelan
Man all coming to terms with their sexuality against the barbs of an
uncaring and fashion-obsessed society. Arthur insists that this fantasy
does not involve the actress Hattie Jacques (this, in the light of her
former marriage to John Le Mesurier, being in questionable taste) but
rather the character she portrayed, a formidable woman parading along a
hospital corridor to the unmistakeable strain of a tuba playing
'Matron's Theme' aka 'Parrrom pom pom pom pom pom pompity pom pom pom
pom pom pom pom'.  The same applies to Roland Browning - it is he not
Erkan Mustafa, to whom one's fantasy must be drawn, though Arthur is at
pains to point out that this is a much older Roland Browning than is
commonly remembered. No schoolboy he, but a 28 year age virgin. Arthur
will not elaborate on the Michelan Man  other than to confirm what is
commonly suspected - he is not in fact fat but, rather, in the
possession of a gargantuan wraparound appendage.

So Arthur cannot be with us tonight, but he has sent a heavily
perspiring anthropoid to accept the award on his behalf.

Dorothy 'Dot' Harpic

Personal Secretary, Chauffeuse and Limbo Dancer,


Art Banana (> 20/5/99


[Subject: An excerpt from the IG investigation files of 2002 re: [ADRICS] ]

[Excerpt from IG report of 2002. File: Usenet: rec.arts.drwho: Adrics]
[Subject: A historical perspective on the events leading up to the usenet
disaster of mid 1999]
[Sorting data according to parameters...]
[Unable to comply. Data retrieval already sorted]
[Unable to process commands. Display data anyway?]
[Please answer Yes/No]
[Warning: This data is not recommended for those with weak constitutions.
Proceed at your own risk. Internet Government Health Warning of the act of
December 1999]

The ADRICS Programme Guide: Serial RADW

Plot: The inhabitants of a Doctor Who newsgroup found themselves facing
the most peculiar menace in their long and troubled history. Over the last
year they had faced things that other newsgroups would have faltered
over. They had their ups, their downs and the just plain weird. But
nothing had prepared them for what lay ahead...

Fluffs: "We've discovered The Space Pirates episode 3!" - Steve Roberts

Goofs: "The appalling music used in Curse of the Fatal Death was utterly
unlike anything ever heard in Doctor Who ever before" - David Howe

"No, I'm not in jail" - John Long

"I wanted to write something that treated the subject of comedy Doctor Who
with the maturity and dignity it deserved" - Steve Moffat

Dialogue Disasters: "People who like Sylvester McCoy watch Doctor Who for
the wrong reasons" - Azaxyr

"Next year is not acceptable" - Waxvax

"Yes, but is it canon?" - the last recorded words of an unfortunate newbie
before he was myteriously trampled to death

"I've written a Voyager book, you know" - Dangermouse (50 identical
postings discovered, current thinking being that this was an advanced

Dialogue Triumphs: "Suck, lick, touch, fondle, grope" - Charles Daniels

"QUOTEFILE!" - various

"You think irony is a type of metal" - Keith Topping

"Next year will be a lot better, honest!" - Chris Rednour

Other references: Very little material survives in other forms today. It
is understood that a small breakaway group of survivors are currently
working on reconstructing the newsgroup from a few quotefiles and a chunk
of Jon Blum's hard drive. The group were ecstatic to discover the
existence of an entire poster's output last month in a church hall in
(dramatic zoom> HONG KONG (/dramatic zoom> ... until it was revealed that
the poster in question was Marcus Durham. No word has since been revealed
about what has happened to this material.

Summary: The winner of the 1998 Adric for the worst thread went to:

   Anything by Azaxyr (Death to Jews, Mel and Peri, et al)

The inhabitants of the newsgroup weren't all that surprised with this
winner, it seems. There was some mumbling down the back about how the
McCoy fans were trying to oppress the Pertwee fans through the evil
forces of moderation, but no one paid much notice, as usual.

Historians looked back on the Azaxyr virus with some considerable
amusement in these enlightened times, but the historical context should
be borne in mind when considering the point of view of those from the
time. But since they treated the virus in exactly the same way, this
doesn't really make much of a difference.

The final consideration in this decidedly odd competition similarly went
to a thread created by an entity thought to be an actual poster at the
time. It is interesting to speculate about the nature of the entity that
created this thread. We now know the true extent of what happened in mid
1999, the sheer mind-numbing horror of it all, and the way it eventually
led to the formation of the glorious Internet Government.

However, at the time the entity appeared as little more than a slightly
peculiar poster from California. Presented here for historical accuracy,
and drafted from the IG investigation files of 1999, is the winner of the
best thread of 1998:

   Charles Daniels' Unofficial Programme Guide

Those poor, poor bastards. They never knew what hit them.

[End of extract]

Robert Smith> (> 20/5/99


>>The telesnaps came from the BBC Written archive, where they had existed
>>all along.

>>The rest are missing because nobody has found them.

DBurns6554 wrote
>Either that or they were destroyed with the episodes from those eras.

No, it doesn't work that way.  Or someone wiping the tapes had a strange
sense of humour.

(buzz>  'The Celestial Toyroom'   Never liked that one.  (buzz>  'The
Singing Sands'  (buzz>  Some rotten photo negatives you can't even see any
detail in because they're too small.   Anybody got a match......  (scrape,
flicker, crackle>

David Brunt (> 23/5/99


"Demontage", like a number of Justin Richards' books, is like when
you've been going out with someone for a year or so and you have a shag
on a Thursday night, but partly because there's nothing decent on TV.
And you enjoy it and it's fun and satisfying, but it was like last
Thursday and not quite as good as Saturday. And, let's face it, you were
thinking of someone else while you were doing it.

"Revolution Man", like a number of Paul Leonard's books, is like meeting
someone in a club on Friday night, wearing something skimpy. You're hot,
you're excited. You're out in the alley snogging and you're going to
remember this for ages. And you were left with a hard-on at three in the
morning by someone who was actually too fat and had spots.

Henry Potts (> 23/5/99


Rayctate (> wrote:
>To say I'm not a fan of the Virgin "Doctor Who" novels is quite
>an understatement, I'm sure anyone who has ever encountered me
>will agree.

Mental image inspired by that statement:

[Ray Tate is walking down the street.  A stranger bumps into him.]

STRANGER: Oops, sorry.

RAY TATE: [shouting] The Virgin "Doctor Who" novels suck, dammit!

STRANGER: [backing away] Uh, okay, whatever...

William December Starr (> 23/5/99


[Subject: Re: Azaxyr]

Jarrow Merenivitch wrote:
>Well, i've only been on this group for a while but the thing best known
>on this group is everybody does not like Azaxyr. Well I would like to
>know why? Perhaps an Azaxyr Timeline, just something to find out
>why he is so hated.

Okay, I'm doing this from memory, so some of the dates may not be entirely

Azaxyr - a Timeline

January 1 - Post that McCoy was pond-slime.
January 1 - Post that Jews are pond-slime.
January 2 - Post that McCoy was pond-slime.
January 3 - Post that Jon Blum is pond-slime.
January 4 - Post that everyone who disagrees with him is pond-slime.
January 4 - Post that McCoy was pond-slime.
January 5 - Post that McCoy was pond-slime.
January 6 - Post that JNT was pond-slime.
January 6 - Post that Time and the Rani is pond-slime.
January 6 - Post that Britain is pond-slime.
January 8 - Post that Jon Blum is pond-slime.
January 8 - Post that the NAs were pond-slime.
January 9 - Post that McCoy was pond-slime.
January 10 - Post 25 reasons why Remembrance is pond-slime.
January 11 - Post that everyone who disagrees with him is pond-slime
January 11 - Post that poofs & lezzos are pond-slime.
January 13 - Post that McCoy was pond-slime.
January 15 - Post that the world is out to get him.
January 15 -    and that McCoy is pond-slime
January 15 -    No really, McCoy is pond-slime.
January 15 -    Pond-slime.  Really.
January 15 -    And Jon Blum too.
January 18 - Post that Lance Parkin is pond-slime.
January 19 - Post that Kate Orman is pond-slime.
January 22 - Post that McCoy is pond-slime.
January 23 - Post amusing but bitter parody of radw posters.
January 25 - Post that JNT was pond slime.
January 26 - Post that the NAs were pond-slime.
January 26 - Post advertising premium-priced NAs for sale.
January 27 - Post that people outside the US are pond-scum.
January 29 - Post short, nasty, unintelligible comment.
January 31 - Post that McCoy was pond-slime.

Repeat, 12 months a year for the last four years.

In short, he's a bit repetitive, in a somewhat negative, offensive kind of

Danny Gooley (> 24/5/99


[Subject: "RADW : Its Effect on the Millennium Decade"]

Thanks to yet another trip in my TARDIS I was able to read fragments of
a book entitled "RADW : Its Effect on the Millennium Decade", being a
full and frank discussion of the impact this newsgroup had on the world
during 2000-2010.

In 2003 David A. McIntee became executive producer of the ailing 'Star
Trek' franchise.  He implemented radical changes by removing almost the
entire crew, leaving only Bob Picardo as the sole member.  In a homage
to the original series the Picardo character was accompanied by females
in skirts varying in degree from mini to micro to belt.  Fans were
originally up in arms when the Romulan cloaking device became known as a
chameleon circuit but were impressed by the effect it gave of making the
ship look much smaller on the outside than it actually was.  Paramount
were happier at the reduced cost of the production, especially since the
fleet of CGI generated ships had been replaced by a single small blue
box.  Mr McIntee's close personal friend, former producer Brannon Braga,
made varying suggestions on story lines without actually being given a
screen credit.  His best known contribution was implementing a large
number of nearby wormholes which gave rise to many time travel stories.
Although suffering under the clamour of many saying the show wasn't as
good as in the old days it eventually went on to become a massive
critical and commercial success.

The BBC still refused to make any Dr Who because "there isn't a market
for that kind of thing".

The early 0's saw the rise of John Pittigrew as the towering comic of
the age.  His one man show "All Keys Lead to Marinus" were sellouts
throughout Europe and America.  He branched into films with such
classics as "There's a Cybermat in my Soup" and "Jo Grant and Dumber".
His performance in Comic Relief's "Death of the Fatal Curse" brought him
a request from the Pope to perform in St Paul's in the Vatican in
December 2004.  John did so and a comic tour-de-force was underway
until, tragically, he tried to introduce a Yuletide flavour by telling
the Christmas Squid joke.  Attempting to recover from the oppressive
silence that followed John pointed to a carving of Jesus on the cross
and asked "is that what happened to the last comedian you had here".
The Vatican later went to great pains to point out that the finding of
Mr Pettigrew's corpse, pin-cushioned with crucifixes and having a
tentacled animal jammed into his mouth was in no way related to the holy
war the Pope had launched on comedians.

In 2005 the first ever public flogging and exile in cyberspace was
carried out.  After hearing Jon Blum hype the forthcoming Lance Parkin
novel "The Improbability Doctors" to stratospheric heights the netizens
were incensed to discover that it was merely mind blowingly excellent
and cast Jon adrift for the crime of promising them far more than could
ever be delivered.  He went on to a very successful career as an IBM
sales representative.

In 2007 President Skreslet signed a bill which legalised homosexuality
in the USA.  He said "The Lord Buddha teaches us that we shall accept
all others for what they are and rejoice in the differences".  He was
also reputed to have stated that homosexuality would be enforced on some
people as there weren't enough interesting Dr Who fans around these

In 2008 the leader of the Aryan Wolves, Henry Vizi, announced he was
casting away his brown shirt and stepping down from the extremist group.
He explained that he had always known he was adopted and that this had
been a source of underlying anger throughout the years.  He said "all I
ever wanted was to be loved by someone, anyone.  Now I have found my
birth parents I am getting to know them and for the first time in my
life I am actually happy".  Vizi changed his name back to the one
originally given by his parent, Jacob Goldstein.  A few months after
this happy event Jacob took advantage of the President's recent
legislation and married boyfriend John Long.

In 2009 the entire set of missing Dr Who episodes were found, including
the colour version of Marco Polo and episode 6 of the Daemons.  A
somewhat embarassed member of the BBC, known only as SR for anonimity,
said - "Well me and Richard were just doing some wet gate transfer when
the machine died.  Following standard BBC procedure I kicked it a bit
but that didn't work.  Richard swore at it but that didn't work either.
We eventually prised the front off it and were amazed to see all these
spools of film jamming up the works.  We ran them through a projector
and I was surprised to see this massive tentacle go right across the
screen.  I originally thought it was my wedding night home movie but
then realised it was something far more exciting - Furry, sorry, Fury of
the Deep.  We discovered we had absolutely everything at which point we
rang up Waxvax just to piss him off".  On asked how the tapes originally
ended up inside the machine a sheepish SR admitted "when we got it I was
testing it with some old rubbish that was in our office.  I remember
using one can with the title 'Dalek Cutaway'.  If it had been a proper
title like 'Mission to the Unknown' I would've twigged it was a Doctor
Who episode".

The BBC are planning to release each individual episode in a collectable
cardboard gift box at the special price of 50 each.

Later that year Ian Levine said "I don't think any more episodes of
Quatermass II will ever be recovered".

Graham Nealon (> 24/5/99


[Subject: Re: BBC Who Books Guidelines]

Stephen Graves (> wrote:
>Yes, but the published authors are allowed to get away with almost
>anything; can you imagine the look on Steve Cole's face if, say, I
>had pitched The Infinity Doctors to the BBC? Which means that
>first-time writers are going to be forced to churn out faceless,
>TV-style stories with old Doctors, like Last Man Running, before
>they're allowed to join the exclusive gentlemens' club that is the
>Eighth Doctor Mailing List...

>It's rather like Shakespeare being allowed not to spell proper-like,
>and inventing his own words, simply because he's *Shakespeare* and
>he can do what he likes. If an English student did something
>similar, the examiner would throw his work out of the window.

You know, just once I'd like to see someone apply an attitude like
this towards a profession *other* than writing.

"I wanna be a stuntman. How come the people who hire stuntmen won't
let my first stunt be jumping off a skyscraper while setting myself on
fire and wrestling a tiger on the way down? I'm sure I saw some
established stuntman do that in the movies last month. If they don't
want me to do that straight off, it's just because I'm not in their
little clique."

"It's rather like the way dentists can take a drill to peoples' teeth,
cause they've got a degree and all so they can do what they like. But
if some student picks up a drill, they'll do you for practicing
without a license, they will."

Jonathan Blum (> 26/5/99


Steve Day wrote:
>"All irregularities will be handled by the forces controlling each
>Trans-uranic heavy elements may not be used where there is life. Medium
>atomic  weights are available - Gold, Lead, Copper, Jet, Diamond, Radion,
>Silver, and Steel.... Sapphire and Steel have been assigned."

I don't know if it's is meant as a joke, but I've just read this .sig and
got a very bizzarre mental image of a TV series where the safety of the
time-space continuum is guarded by Joanna Lumley, David McCallum,
David Collings and a very large box of washing powder. Well, it made me
laugh anyway.

Simon Exton (> 26/5/99


>Mmmmmaybe... but that performance by Ms. Baron is *really* hard to
>get past.  Who did she blackmail to get the role, anyway?

She lives up my road, she does. I've often felt tempted when I walk past to
shout out, 'Oi! What did you think you were doing in Englightenment, then?
your singing in The Gunfighters was crap too!'

But I never do.

Shearrob (> 26/5/99


Ruediger LANDMANN wrote:
>>Which countries' TV archives haven't been properly searched? It seems that
>>at least the UK, Australia, and Cyprus have been given a very thorough
>>examination. Others, like Hong Kong and Nigeria seem to have been searched
>>by the locals - but how thorough were these searches? And what hasn't been
>>searched at all? Has there been anything done in Iran since the legendary
>>(or even apocryphal?) "What in Allah's name are you talking about?"

Paul Goubert wrote:
>The best person to ask is probably Ian Marter

There's such a wonderfully uncluttered perspecive where he is.

Simon Jerram  (> 26/5/99


David McLoughlin (>
>>Is a telesnap some kind of promo?

DBurns6554 wrote:
> A telesnap is a photograph of one frame from a film print.

My gross apologies. To me, that would be a "photograph". They had them
when I was a kid enjoying Dr Who. In fact now I am a parent, I take such
images of my children with a thing called a camera. Even my kids call
them photographs.

How times change in such a short time.

Once again, many thanks for the Enlightenment.

David McLoughlin (> 26/5/99


[Subject: a pointless in-joke]

A sport in which contestants throw for distance a
disk, typically metallic or wooden with a metal
rim and weighing about four and a half pounds.


William December Starr (> 26/5/99


[Subject: Re: Bad Endings...]

Number.6 (> said:
> Arc of Infinity: The Doctor prevents a matter/anti-matter explosion
> by shooting Omega with a Dymo label-maker that we're told is a
> matter converter. But what does it convert matter *to*?

NYSSA: Doctor?

THE DOCTOR: Yes, Nyssa?

NYSSA: You just destroyed Omega with a
matter converter.


NYSSA: Well, what did it convert him _into_?


[The DOCTOR examines the weapon, holding it
up to his eyes and squinting as if reading
fine print.]

THE DOCTOR: You know, it doesn't really say.

[Pause.  NYSSA looks at THE DOCTOR.  THE
DOCTOR looks at Nyssa.  TEGAN looks at THE

THE DOCTOR: [speaking very rapidly] Yes, ah,
well, Amsterdam _is_ lovely this time of
year but you know I _do_ think that we
should be on our way now come along Nyssa
don't dawdle Tegan there's a good girl...

[All three repair to the TARDIS, in haste.
The TARDIS dematerializes.  The End.]

William December Starr (> 26/5/99


The REGENERATIVE Website wrote:
>> Dear Reader,

>> If you have time please feel free to check out this site.

Ruediger LANDMANN wrote:
>Dear Dave,

>Please feel dree to get stuffed.

Dear Ruediger,

How does one contact Dree?

Danny Gooley (> 27/5/99


[Subject: Re: Yoda is William Hartnell]

Come back shall I, one day. Yes, come back shall I. Until then no
regrets, no tears, no anxieties must there be. Just in all your beliefs
go forward, and to me prove that in mine I am mistaken not.

Daibhid Cheinnedelh (> 27/5/99


[Subject: Funny thing...]

Apropos of nothing, but on I just saw:

Yoda is William Hartnell
Get Real
Steve Roberts
The Mind of Evil

-which, with the appropriate punctuation, would make a more coherent
post than the average I see round here.

Conrad Feinson (> 28/5/99


[Subject: Re: King's Demons on 5 DRS. DVD?]

Paul Andinach wrote:
>> The King's Demons and The Five Doctors Special Edition were released
>> as a box set, and people complained.

>> People complained about having to buy TKD to get T5DSE.
>> People complained about having to buy T5DSE to get TKD.
>> People complained about all these people who were complaining about
>> something that (at least according to these people I'm talking about
>> now) wasn't really important.
>> And so on.

David Atkins wrote:
>...until the announcement of the forthcoming 'Beginning' box-set,
>featuring 'The Edge of Destruction', gave them something else to
>complain about.

>Personally, I'm just really annoyed that I have to buy another copy of
>'Wheel of Fortune' just to get 'The Lion' and 'The Space Museum'.....

>BBC videos. Complete rip-off aren't they?

What shat me was having to pay, again and again and again, to see the
milk tunnel. Now, I like the milk tunnel as much as anyone, but how
many times are they going to release it and expect the fans to pay for
it? And don't get me started on the rising thingy in the early

Daniel Frankham ( > 29/5/99


Steve Day (> wrote:
>>The whole production seemed staged as a poor over bright
>>pantomime, with everything from the ugly sisters in the Tetraps to
>>similarities with Beauty and the Beast and The Wizard of Oz - complete
>>with the Rani playing the Wicked Witch.

Alden Bates wrote:
>That means Mel=Dorothy and Ikona=Toto presumably. ;-)  the Doctor's
>pratfalls were reminiscent of the Scarecrow's appearence, I suppose...

If he was looking for a brain, he was in luck  :)

Daniel Frankham (> 31/5/99


[Subject: Review: Dead Romance and Dominion]

 Super Fun Quiz!
 Are You An Author For The BBC and Virgin?

 Have you ever woken up in the afternoon, turned on
 Neighbours and found yourself unable to comprehend what it
 is you actually do? Well now, with the help of this
 summer-tastic, fun for all the family quiz, you too can help
 explain all those hours you put into the 80,000 words you
 wrote to a deadline. Whether you wrote the jaw-dropping Dead
 Romance or the deadly dull Dominion, anyone can take part!

 1. You are writing for a shared universe. Do you:
 a) Apply lots of past continuity, invent even more of your
 own and generally behave like Orson Welles discovering a
 film set for the first time, right down to the sly joke of
 the acronym of book's title?
 b) Try your best to conform utterly to what you perceive to
 be a standard story in that universe, adding nothing new and
 generally having your well-established characters run around
 for no good reason?

 2. Your central character is obviously vitally important to
 the story. Do you:
 a) Present a mysterious, past-less figure obviously based on
 an established person in this shared universe but totally
 subverted in lots of cunning, fascinating ways?
 b) Present a bland, idiotic dullard bearing only a passing
 resemblance to a character so well established that you end
 up shaking your head at how an author can possibly get him
 so wrong?

 3. For a novel, you will need to keep your readers
 interested. Do you:
 a) Approach your book with a fresh style, possibly in the
 rarely used first person that will height the nature of the
 revelations you will be presenting later on? Your prose also
 contrives to be witty, page turning and just so damn
 b) Write witless, sparkle-free prose that merely highlights
 the fact that your plot is so formulaic it was obviously
 only presented as a way to get a risk-free commission?
 Further compound this by presenting a half-decent alien
 culture and some effective tension, completely let down by a
 cop-out ending.

 4. A reader will have to be interested in the characters. Do
 a) As you go on, present intriguing facets of the
 characters, with their actions defining them so that the
 reader feels involved in their stories and can 'take part'
 in the novel by partly defining the characters for
 themselves, and therefore be even more shocked when someone
 suddenly does something unexpected?
 b) Present every feeling and thought that crosses your
 characters' minds so that they can do absolutely nothing to
 surprise you and end up like so many facets of the author's
 own personality, right down to the eternally interesting and
 mysterious central character?

 5. In any good story, there is bound to be emotional turmoil
 arising from things like death. How do you present this? Do
 a) Attempt to explain the impact on your characters by the
 use of conversations they have and the actions they take in
 response to events, because everyone thinks they know how
 they'll react in such situations but the truth can be more
 complicated, and surprising, than that?
 b) Show every character's thoughts in great detail, thereby
 turning them into whining, moaning idiots who bore the
 reader into something like submission and generally give the
 lie to the novel being the great cultural art-form of the
 20th Century.

 6. A great novelist will attempt to make his book resonate
 outside of the printed page. Do you:
 a) Introduce whole reams of fascinating back story which may
 or may not conform to ideas you previously held, but
 deliciously subvert them anyway, leaving you, at the end,
 wishing the book could have gone on forever.
 b) Present a story which exists merely within the confines
 of the book and which is totally forgettable once you've put
 it down, leaving the reader with the feeling that they've
 just wasted a portion of their life entering the mind of a
 deeply dull person with a few good ideas but no idea about
 how to make them interesting and memorable.

 If you scored mostly a):
 Congratulations, you are Lawrence Miles. Although you've
 only written four books, your patented 'what the hell is he
 doing?' style is now so well established that readers can't
 wait for your next book, about which they expect to be
 completely gob-smacked in ways they know not of yet, but
 which will provide exactly the sort of emotional
 roller-coaster Doctor Who books should be doing. Your latest
 book is a typically genre-busting example of how to write
 genre fiction and your ideas are pouring out of your head so
 fast that other authors are being caught up in a maelstrom
 which they have no hope of controlling.

 If you scored mostly b):
 Congratulations, you are Nick Walters. You've taken the
 slightly suspicious route of entering the world of novels
 seemingly by being mates with a few established authors and,
 with your first solo novel, have done absolutely nothing to
 disprove the slightly icky air of 'jobs for the boys' which
 surrounds you. Your writing is uninspired and your insights
 are possibly the dullest yet seen in your chosen line of
 books. Although some good ideas are present, they are not
 enough to encourage a reader that your book is actually
 worth finishing. Plus you're unlucky enough to a) arrive at
 a time when certain people were promising an upturn in the
 standard of your book line, and b) to have your work
 compared with possibly the finest author of the moment,
 working for a line which has been consistently trumping your
 line with malicious glee. Bad luck.

Dr. Evil (> 31/5/99

[N.B. Name of author corrected in the last paragraph to avoid litigation
:-) - RS?]


Robert Smith? (> wrote:
>I move in mysterious ways.

I thought they'd given you some tablets for that "problem"?

Marcus Durham (> 1/6/99


[Subject: Re: Thoughts on Warriors' Gate]

Shane "Remo D" Dallmann wrote:
>Like many others (I suspect) I found this story incomprehensible when I
>first saw it--since then, I've "caught on" and find it quite effective. The
>concept of zero coordinates makes perfect logical sense for a concept such
>as E-Space--but there's one part of the story that continues to throw me.

>The end of episode three.  Just what throws the Doctor from the Tharil
>banquet back into the hands of Rorvik?  Not simply the Gundan axe-blow,

Yeah that part throws me every time. My take on it is that the Doctor is
part of some virtual reality as a means of explaining the Tharil history.
With the arrival of the Gundan robots, the "tape" ends and the Doctor's
perceptions return to the real environment. He has in fact been sitting at
the banquet table unaware that Rorvik and co have been watching him
experience some sort of psychic vision (as they would see it). The *real*
cliffhanger ending is the Doctor realising what a complete dickhead he must
have looked to Rorvik and his crew sitting there talking to himself and
eating handfuls of spider web.

Podmix (> 1/6/99


[Subject: Re: Thoughts on The Face of Evil]

Carnegie wrote:
>>The ideas are great -  the Doctor having cocked everything up before
>>hand; the schizophrenic computer, manipulating all the events to mirror
>>it's own inner turmoil; the tribal society revealed as decendants of a
>>space crew (which, I suppose could have come from SOD).

Robert Smith? (> wrote:
>I didn't think it was possible to reproduce that way.

Like the man said, the descendants are a result of the Doctor cocking
*everything* up, on his previous visit.

Danny Gooley (> 2/6/99


[Subject: Inference Part 1]

"The Third Doctor. The Eighth Doctor. Sam. Fitz. Sarah-Jane Smith. And Tom
Wilkins, the genial bartender. Soon, one of them will be tall; one of them
will be even stupider; one will be highly irritating; one will have brown
hair; one will be a journalist and one will have every major organ
removed, chopped up into little bits, fed through a grain harvester and
scattered all over southern Wales."

A mystery story, by Miles Lawrence.

Robert Smith? (> 3/6/99


[Subject: Re: Thoughts on The Face of Evil]

OJ Thornton wrote:
>Maybe I'm wrong, but reading the novelisation aged 7, the impact of it
>being the Doctor's face was I'm sure just as great as for those who saw
>thing on TV for the first time.   I was hooked not just to the TV
>programme, but the novelisations of stories I'd never seen that were in
>the library, and "Face of Evil" and "Tomb of the Cybermen" were the two
>novelisations I remember most from those days.

...And often while reading novelisations I had no idea what era they
came from, so imagined completely the wrong doctor in the role.
Davison in Tomb, Baker in the War Games, Terry Wogan in Genesis
(I think due to bad cover art)... still, the 'Do I have the right?'
scene becomes interesting.

(> 3/6/99


[Subject: Re:]

By Paul Harman, PA News 'Doctor Who' Correspondant

Doctor Who Fandom was up in arms today when the remains of the
original master tapes of a thirty year old adventure were discovered
in the refuse bin of a London West-End restaurant.

The adventure, known as "Marco Polo", is widely regarded by Doctor Who
fandom as a "classic" (dispite the tapes being unavailable for
review). It starred William Hartnell as the Doctor, with companions
Susan, Ian and Barbera.

The management of the restaurant refused to comment on the discovery,
although several partons of the establishment have since complained
that the pasta dishes were "a bit chewy".

(page 2)

Fans have since flocked to the establishment in an attempt to aquire
what can be rescued from this tragedy. Some have even taken to
dismantling the lavatory facilities, in case patrons have excreted
some of the precious film while still on the premises.

The Master was unavailable for comment.

Steve Roberts, an expert at restoring old films for the BBC, later
commented "I think you're talking crap, mate". One of his associates,
a Richard Molesworth, was heard to state "Well Marco Polo was shit,

Ian Levine, film collector extraordinaire, merely belched and asked
somebody to pass the ketchup.

Paul 'Ozymandius' Harman 3/6/99


[Subject: Re: DWM 279]

Ed Stradling wrote:
> That reminds me - I bought DWM to read on the tube the other day (quite
> good article about Comic Relief I thought) and this bloke sat opposite me
> and sniggered half of the way through the journey. He wouldn't have
> sniggered if he'd realised how blatantly his bird was eyeing me up, but
> that's another story. I left the mag on the train as I didn't want to cart
> it round the West End, and when I looked back, the hypocritical fucker had
> picked it up and was reading it.

And, of course, this sort of thing is always happening in
the life of monsewer Stradling. For the record, I was that
other guy on the tube, and I was just sniggering at anyone
who would read DWM in these days. I mean, when the cartoon
was half decent, okay. But *now*.

Oh, and I told my girlfriend to eye you up, just to give you
the thrill you so desperately needed...

Dr Evil (> 4/6/99



In article (>,
Corey Klemow (> wrote:
> So why does the Doctor start so guiltily when Ian catches him?
> And what do you think the Doctor *was* going to do with that
> rock?

Tap the caveman on the shoulder, say "Look -- cool rock!", throw
it as far as he could and watch the caveman run after it? :-)

William December Starr (> 5/6/99


[Subject: Jackie Jenkins (Was:Re: DWM 279)]

Paul wrote:
>>The John Wiles article was a good read, but can't you get rid of that
>>Jenkins once and for all, I'm sure the Daleks would oblige and exterminate

Dokter Ooh wrote:
>I agree. I tried reading it the first 4 or 5 months but it was always so
>pointless and boring. It was like you had to find filler and she was it.

For godssakes, if anyone from DWM is reading this, *do not*, under any
circumstances, entertain any notions of getting rid of the Jackie Jenkins
It's funny, thoughtful and the first thing that gets read in my house. Why?
Because it's light-hearted, short, and gets me back into the mood of being
a fan-
something that I need when faced with the pages of analysis that the
Monthly seems
chocka with these days. If it wasn't for the column to *ease* me back into
right frame of mind, the rest of the magazine would be impenetrable.

Mind you, I'm not one of those fans who watches an episode a day, or who
has a BBC book on the go. That's no slight to those who are, but my 'peak'
fannishness (my "fanny-period" you might say) is usually for the four days
to a
week after I've got my Monthly...

Steev (> 7/6/99



Xerophyte (> wrote:
> Ace got the most of the horrible treatment of any companion in the

Conversations that never happened, part 143:

SARAH JANE: Just bundled out of the TARDIS! Just like that! Some stupid
excuse about humans not being alowed on Gallifrey, and I'm stuck in the
middle of nowhere!

LEELA: The Doctor told you humans were not allowed on Gallifrey? He said
nothing of this to me. But then, he said very little to me when we were
on Gallifrey and what he did say was unpleasant. Of course, he had his
reasons, but...

PERI: Yeah? Your Doctor ever try to kill you? I mean physically attempt
to strangle you to death?

ACE: Huh, that all? I had to go through aversion therapy to cure me of
one of my childhood nightmares!

(Others look at her>

ACE: Maybe you had to be there.

Daibhid Cheinnedelh (> 7/6/99



J2rider wrote:
> Doctor One was dark at times--he tried to kill a caveman

Hang on. I've had a chance to review the scene. Basically what happens is
that the Doctor bends down to pick up a smallish stone and then gets
flustered when Ian jumps on him. Some people (Gary Russell among them,
judging from 'Invasion of the Cat-People') might call this dark...

It's fairly obvious that the Doctor's plan was

(a) slowly pick up a blunt but not particularly heavy object in full view
of a deeply suspicious schoolmaster and his friends
(b) dodder towards wounded but conscious and deeply suspicious caveman
(c) bludgeon him to death with this light object
(d) which should take a good few minutes, even assuming that i. the caveman
is too weak to put up a fight, ii. Ian, Barbara, Susan and the caveman's
beloved decide that this is good entertainment and just sit back and watch,
iii. the pursuing tribes-extras don't catch up with them in the meantime,
and iv. that the Doctor is much less feeble than he looks
(e) this to be carried out at a time when - as far as the Doctor is
concerned - speed is of the essence, and
(f) for no readily apparent reason.

I suppose it would depend on the jury, but I would also a point (g) in

(g) This is actually a dreadful old chestnut that no-one's really taken
seriously since DWW went monthly, roughly equivalent to the belief that the
series was created by Terry Nation and the first story had Daleks in it.
Next thing you know someone will be reminding us that the first Doctor once
"threw scalding hot tea in the Monk's face" or that the sixth once "pushed
two defenceless men into an acid bath"!

Daniel O'Mahony" (> 7/6/99


Steev (> wrote:
>Incidentally, I got invited to a big bookseller's bash a while back, and
>only chickened out cos I knew Tom Baker was going to be there... and I
>knew it would be inevitable that my dear woman would prod me towards him
>in an attempt at 'being helpful'... Is the a technical term for this

Good sense?
A fear of the insane?

Tom's no different to those other gibbering unfortunates let out by the
(previous) Government's care in the community scheme.  He's just got a
stripy suit to set him apart from the rest.  In the land of the mad, the
curly-haired stripy man is king........

David Brunt (> 8/6/99


[Subject: Re: DWM 279]

Tim Jones wrote in message ...
>I've always thought that the Jenkins style is remarkably similar to Dave
>Owen's... It could just be me, but I swear they sound nearly identical!
>full of long, vague sentences that don't really tell you anything, and
>But I could be mad.

Your observation that my sentances are both long (although I always tell
myself it's what you do with it that counts) and uninformative (although, to
be honest, I have always felt it more the preserve of magazine writers to
entertain than to inform) is both telling and yet meaningless at the same
time, leading to almost no decision on my part whatsoever, despite my having
laboured for a not inconsiderable period to arrive at a more definitive
conclusion than I have.

Dave Owen (> 8/6/99


[Holmes's "The Six Doctors" script]

Kafka (> wrote:
>Since another actor was taking over the role of the first Doctor, Holmes
>have had him turn out to be a robot duplicate designed to fool the other

Hurndall: "And I'm the Doctor's first incarnation"
Everyone else: "But you don't look anything like him!  IMPOSTER!"
Hurndall: "Bugger, rumbled."

Alden Bates (> 8/6/99


[Subject: Re: Crusade / Space Museum boxset]

>Sounds like the packaging alone is worth the price of admission:) And
>just think, we get the Crusades too. Oh yes, don't want to forget
>about the Space Museum!

Hmm...  It's a close run thing between the key ring and The Space Museum
for me.

David Herrick (> 9/6/99


'Distant' Dave wrote:
>>Overcoming my usual reticence to mix reality with fiction I popped
>>out to the Stamp shop on the Strand and got Tom baker's Autograph.

Steev (> wrote:
>This is something I *could not do*. Meeting Tom Baker would be just
>too frightening. I would have nothing of any wit or intelligence to
>say, and would probably end up just wanting to burst into tears,
>suck my thumb and blub "I love you Doctor" at him. Which would not
>impress him, methinks.
>And I can think of few things more embarrassing than being punched by
>Tom Baker.
>Incidentally, I got invited to a big bookseller's bash a while back,
>and only chickened out cos I knew Tom Baker was going to be there...
>and I knew it would be inevitable that my dear woman would prod me
>towards him in an attempt at 'being helpful'... Is the a technical
>term for this phobia?

A quick check of an online dictionary suggests the following pearls of
"dog Greek":

Psomaphobia (Fear of Baker [actually fear of a baker, but close enough])

Didaktoraphobia (Fear of the Doctor)

Tesseradidaktoraphobia (Fear of the Fourth Doctor)

Kallistodidaktoraphobia (Fear of a favourite Doctor)

Kronoarchontaphobia (Fear of a Time Lord)

Andrapolymacrosaliphobia (Fear of a man in a very long scarf)

Tileorasatomikotitaphobia (Fear of a TV personality)

Iroaphobia (Fear of your hero)

Legoilithiosiroaphobia(Fear of saying something stupid to your hero)

Daibhid Cheinnedelh (> 10/6/99


Michael J. Montoure (> wrote:
>I saw it for the first time recently, and while I was
>watching the (okay, admittedly slightly stagey, but)
>literary and mythic dialogue being performed by
>jerkily-gesticulating actors with incomprehensibly
>distorted voices and ill-fitting rubber costumes,
>portraying beings whose awesome and nearly godlike
>powers were portrayed by cheap, flickering flashlight
>bulbs glued to their foreheads ... I couldn't help
>but think that if *I'd* written this sharp little
>script, I would have curled up into a little fetal
>ball and cried when I saw what they'd done to it.

Ladies and Gentlemen, we now have the definitive description of every
episode of Doctor Who ever made!

Robert Smith? (> 10/6/99


[Subject: Re: Playboy misses again]

Bokman (> wrote:
>>On the other hand, if a woman is posing nude for photographs on the
side, doing
>>it as freelance work, working with people she likes and trusts in a safe,
>>sanitary environment, and everyone is of the understanding that she can
>>whenever she chooses, then she's still in control and is not being

Charles Martin wrote:
>How can I find that out by looking at the box?

Look for the "Free range models" label.

Daniel Frankham 11/6/99


PowrWrap wrote:
>Now that AOL has newsgroup filters, I'd like to know if any of the veteran
>inhabitants of this ng actually use the killfile option. Here's an easy
to use
>cut/paste survey:

>1. Do you use killfiles or filters to avoid postings by individuals or

Oh yes.

>2. List the individual posters you have killfiled,either presently or in

I've got (> in my
killfile. I just don't like what I've been saying lately, or
the tone with which I say it. I just prefer not to see what
I've written, as I never say anything of any worth.

Dr Evil (> 12/6/99


Peter Vialls (> wrote:
>If the play is to go ahead, we therefore need to obtain
>some costumes for Sea Devils. Does anyone in eastern England (or further
>afield?) possess such things? Do these costumes exist anywhere, and is
>anyone willing to loan them to us?

Some string vests, and half a dozen thin ugly blokes holding compact
disks should do you fine.

Gareth Thomas (> 13/6/99


[Why use Mars in "Pyramids"?]

Michael Lee wrote:
> Of course they could search and replace "Mars" for "Venus".  But it
> be the same story.

Pyramids of Uranus has a certain ring.

Simon Simmons (> 14/6/99


Michael Lee wrote:
>> Of course they could search and replace "Mars" for "Venus".  But it
>> be the same story.

Simon Simmons wrote:
>Pyramids of Uranus has a certain ring.

"What do we have to do, Doctor?"

"Sarah, it's vitally important that we keep Sutekh away from Uranus!"

"I won't argue with that."

Daniel Frankham (> 14/6/99

----------------------------------------------------------------- wrote:
>>Oohhhhhh - you've done it now. Let's place bets on how many posts into
>>this thread we are before Azaxyr comes in with some of his
>>queerbashing cobblers. wrote:
> Him no frighten me! I've been slagged by experts! I shall *sniff* at his
> cobblers!

Eurgh. You're a braver man than I.

Ben Woodhams (> 14/6/99


[Subject: Re: They're not seriously releasing The Tenth Planet, are they?]

John Pettigrew wrote:
>Woops, sorry if this is all old news to folk on RADW but I've just been
>to catch up with stuff.

>Since when has The Tenth Planet been scheduled for a video release?  I
>Steve and co thought the project was a no-go area just now since the lack
of a
>fourth episode would prove to be too anti-climactic for the average punter.

>Also, what form would this take?  A reconstruction ala' The Ice Warriors?
>Again, I thought the Restoration Team believed that, gorgeous though it
>this method would never be employed again due to the vast amount of money
>involved.  No?

>A narration of the last episode to camera really WOULD seem a cop out, CD
or no

It would provide an excellent opportunity to make the story a bit more

"NoW," said Krang, "YoUR plAnet wIll bE DEStroyed."

The Doctor sprang upon him. "Noooooooooo!" he shouted. "Never! It's my
favourite!" And riding on the alien's back, he gouged at its eyes, and
stuck his fingers in its mouth, and who could tell where they'd been?

"KIll hIm," said Krang, calmly.

"BUt KrAng," said the other Cybermen. "YOU Are In thE wAy."

"I wON't ASk twICE," said Krang.

The Cybermen powered up their weapons.

"See you in hell, plasticballs!" said the Doctor.

The cybermen fired. Krang fell to the ground, spewing green mucus. The
Doctor had been spared much of the blast, shielded by the moulded plastic
of the Cyberman, but it had been enough... he was dying.

As Mondas exploded overhead, for no easily discernible reason, Ben and
Polly crouched over the broken form of the Doctor. "It feels different
this time," he said, and closed his eyes for the last time.

Cue regeneration scene.

Daniel Frankham (> 19/6/99


simon_roberts wrote:
>The policebox IS important, but a functioning chameleon circuit would also
>be important. The Police box shell is part of Dr Who, and also an important
>running gag, and I for one wouldn't like to see it replaced by, for
>instance, a National Lottery kiosk.

I agree. Too much of a gamble.

Peter Anghelides (> 19/6/99


[Subject: Pick of the Brown Bag: A special presentation--The Taint]

Every once and awhile a book comes along that simply
defies my humble abilities as a critic.  So before I let the
experts handle the honors.  Let me tell you what few things I
did like about the novel.  Mr. Collier at least researched
some of his subject.  The drug information found in the book
is fairly accurate.  The Doctor actually acts like a
scientist in this novel, and in the latter chapters, his
concern for Sam is most attractive to his character.  That's
it.  Okay, guys, hit it!

"....I'll send him cheesy movies, the worst I can
find....La-la-la-la...He'll have to sit and watch them all,
and I'll monitor his mind....on Mystery Science Theater

Mike: Welcome to the Satellite of Love.  I'm
Mike Nel--"
Crow: Mike! Mike! You're gonna love this!
Tom Servo: We were trying to make popcorn with
the Interocetor.
Crow: Yeah, and we burned down the movie screen!
Mike: What?
Tom Servo: The curse has been lifted! No more cheesy movies!
Mike: No more cheesy movies?
Crow: No more cheesy movies!

Mike, Tom Servo and Crow jump up and down.
The light flashes on the console.

Mike: Mrs. F. is calling.
Tom Servo: For once, we don't have to fret about answering.
Mike: Come in, Pearl.

Pearl: Hello, Mike.  Robots.
Mike: Hey, Mrs. F.  What movie do you have lined up today?
Tom Servo: Yeah! Yeah! We're feeling really frisky.
Crow: Our spirits are up way too high!
Tom Servo: Send up a Schumacher!
Mike: Send up a Schumacher!
Crow: Send up a Schumacher!
Chorus: Send up a Schumacher!

Pearl: Uh-huhhhh.  Think I don't know about your little
"accident?"  While Brain Guy and the monkey get you boys a
replacement screen, you're going to serve as my pigs, excuse
me, my guinea pigs for my latest fiendish device.  The
Novel-Experiencer.  It allows you to experience a novel
together, frame by frame.  Put the headbands on, boys.
You're in for a bumpy ride.

Mike: We got novel sign!


Donning the headgear, Mike, Crow and Tom run through a series
of doors, decidedly Gigeresque in fashion.

"Doctor Who"

Crow: Great, that means the novel's going to wobble.

"The Taint"

Crow: As in it Taint a good novel.
Tom Servo: A skull on the cover.  Not a good sign.

"Michael Collier."

Crow: Michael Call your boat ashore.

"They say it's your beliefs that get you into
heaven, not your deeds.  Don't they."

Mike: No, it's cold hard cash.
Crow: "Black Gold."
Tom Servo: "Texas Tea."

"Copyright Michael Collier 1999.  The moral
right of the author has been asserted."

Tom Servo: The rights of the reader on the
other hand....

"Original series broadcast on the BBC.  Format copyright BBC

Mike: How can you broadcast a novel?

"Doctor Who and TARDIS are trademarks of the

Tom Servo: Oh, sure.  Get all proprietorial even though
"Doctor Who" hasn't been on since 1996!
Mike: Calm down, honey.
Tom Servo: I can't help it, Mike.  Paul McGann wants to do
more "Doctor Who." Daphne Ashbrook wants to do more.  Phil
Segal and Matthew Jacobs wants to do more, but the BBC can't
take the time to get their heads out of their....
Crow: Hey, at least there's "Sliders" and "Seven Days."
Tom Servo: I ought to kill you for that, Crow.
Crow: Man, I'm so sorry.  That was low.

"1.1 Muriel Kreiner Tells Dreams Down the
Phone [1963]"

Crow: Down with the Phone Men starring Peter
Mike: Hey, this chapter isn't so bad.
Crow: Good p.o.v.
Tom Servo: Lots of characterization.

"The Taint"

Crow: We know that already!


Mike: On the Richter Scale.
Crow: Nothing harmful in the first eight pages.
Tom Servo: Think maybe Pearl screwed up?

"The man sniffed the air appreciatively.  He had light-brown
hair that hung in lazy curls, a long pale face with thin lips
that made him appear quite supercilious at first glance."

Crow: Here, we go.
Mike: Come, let me keees your supercilious lips.
Tom Servo: Do you suppose there are lips that make you look

"Sam, Sam, Sam, please..."

Crow: Stop.  Stop.  Stop, please.

"The man slumped heavily against the police box, a thick
string of drool escaping from his grinding teeth."

Mike: The TARDIS drools?
Crow: Misplaced modifier.
Tom Servo: Charming imagery.

"She looked at the Doctor's own outfit, his starched
wing-collar shirt and cravat, his Edwardian breeches.  For
the first time in a very long while she found herself feeling
embarrassment to be seen with him."

Crow: Breeches? I can buy the Doctor's pants at the Gap.
Tom Servo: They wore bell-bottoms in the sixties, and Sam's
embarrassed to be seen with the snappy dresser.

"It's like something, you know out of R.J. Tolkein."

Tom Servo: And the first attempt at humor falls flat.

"You mean there's an R. J. Tolkein?"

Crow: Ha-Ha.  Tourists are so stupid, and I'm so smart.
Tom Servo: Fitz Kreiner. Likability factor, zero.

"There are many women called Frodo in France. It was my
mother's maiden name."

Mike: And the second attempt at humor fizzles.

Tom Servo: Well, we've got to go.
Crow: Nineteen pages, and I already loathe this book.

Away from the theater, Mike finds Crow and Tom watching

Mike: Hi, guys.  Um, what are you watching?
Crow: Oh, hi, Mike. We're watching "Doctor Who 1996" also
known as "Grace 1999."
Tom Servo: It's nothing like the television series.
Crow:  The effects are better.
Tom Servo: The sets are sturdy.
Crow: The script's imaginative.
Tom Servo: Well they always were imaginative, but you get the
gist. Crow: And the Doctor gets the babe.
Mike: Really? But I thought the Doctor was--you know.
Tom Servo: A eunuch?
Crow: A gourd-loving man?
Tom Servo: Well, wrong you are, Mike. Observe.
Crow: He's about to--Yes! The kiss is good!
Tom Servo: Supercilious lips.
Crow: Yeah, they're supercilious all right.
Mike: We'll be right back.

"You're all dead! Meat and maggots in my Death

Tom Servo: Which also houses my Deathmobile.
Crow: My Death Computer.
Mike: My Death Shark Repellent.
Crow: And much, much more.  Oh, no, Rabid, there's the Death

"....There you go, love.  Do you want a fag?"

Tom Servo: And after the fag, we can have a cuppa because
we're lower class English people.
Crow: Can I have scones with my cuppa?
Mike: Do you suppose Lipton sells Cuppa Soup in England?

"Crikey Moses."

Tom Servo: And the Upper-class Twit Award goes to....
Crow: Did I mention we're jolly well English?

"His name's Austen, Oscar Austen."

Mike: Jimmy Bond's little brother?

"Five mos--five and a half mos."

Crow: I'm glad we didn't convert to the metric system.

"Then when you knock off, how about letting me show you how
good it looks painted red?" said Fitz rakishly.

Crow: Blue or red, it won't ever look good.
Tom Servo: Right.  We've just had an encounter with a raving
madman.  So now's the time to go on a date.
Mike: Well, she does have a great ass.
Crow: Arse.
Tom Servo: English, Mike.  Speak English.

"That was the thing with art and antiques, she decided.  You
could be anywhere between 1998 and 1938, and places like this
would look practically the same."

Tom Servo: Translation, the author's too lazy to go to the
library's fine arts department.

"Six," affirmed Roley..."They believe they've been possessed by the

Crow: Six crazy people believe they're the slaves of Satan,
and this is suspicious why?

"It's fascinating, don't you think, that these individuals
should share not only the same basic mania but also retain
specific memories of an undoubtedly fictional place..."

Tom Servo: What?
Crow: Dreaming about caves strange?
Mike: Not a Freudian.
Tom Servo: Or a Bob Kane fan.
Mike: Well, we've got to go.

Away from the theater, Mike now finds his robot pals in
strange positions. Crow lies on a leather couch, and Tom sits
behind a poorly made wooden booth advertising
whether the psychiatrist is either in or out and billing
his services at five cents.

Mike: Crow, why are you lying down?
Crow: Tom's analyzing me, Mike.
Mike: Oh, I see.  Can I--Can I watch?
Tom Servo: Well, this really should be confidential....but oh
what the hey, it's not like I'm licensed. Tell us about your
dreams, Crow.
Crow: Well, first I dream about a cave.
Tom Servo: Uh-huhhhh.
Crow: Then I dream about a tunnel.
Tom Servo: I see.
Crow: Then I dream about the Fertile Crescent.

Tom Servo: Go on.
Crow: Next, I dream about Cindy Crawford's skirt.
Tom Servo: Well, I'm stumped.
Mike: We'll be right back.

Mike: Skronk!
Crow: Whinny-Whinny-Whinny-Whinny-Whinny
Tom Servo: Prppppppp.
Mike: Skronk!
Crow: Whinny-Whinny-Whinny-Whinny-Whinny
Tom Servo: Prppppppp.
Mike: Skronk!
Crow: Whinny-Whinny-Whinny-Whinny-Whinny
Tom Servo: Prppppppp.
Mike: Skronk!
Crow: Whinny-Whinny-Whinny-Whinny-Whinny
Tom Servo: Prppppppp.

Pearl: WAKE UP!

Mike: Aigh!
Crow: Where am I?
Tom Servo: Oh, no.  I'm still here.

"Do you play, then?" asked Sam.

Crow: Is your guitar a goer?  "Nudge, nudge, wink. Bob's
your, Uncle."
Tom Servo: "Say no more!"

"No it's my mother's," said Fitz.
"Really? That's cool."
"Actually, it is mine.  Sucker."
"No, you're the sucker.  I was suckering you with my

Crow: The power.
Tom Servo: The passion.
Mike: Actually, whoever bought this book was suckered.

"Sam looked around the poky attic room...There was a single
mattress on the floor with a miserably thin, brightly dyed
pillow adorning it.  The walls had been white once, she
imagined, but now they were beige--partly age, partly fag

Mike: So, Sam is a stereotypical lower-class English person

"They're all broken! They've got great big holes in them!"
she announced.

Tom Servo: Sam Jones.  Jo Grant.  Jo Grant. Sam Jones.
Mike: Doesn't the Doctor have a victrola?

"You're just dossing around here, passing time taking things
as they come. You don't know anything about the ozone layer,
recycling.....There's no AIDS, in your world. No HIV tests...."

Crow: I've got ten bucks that says she doesn't know anything
Tom Servo: What's really disturbing is that "Austin
Powers" addresses the same issues more dramatically.

"A dark-haired woman galloped into the room, tall and lithe."

Mike: I'm half-mare, on my mother's side.
Tom Servo: England really is a different country.  Their
rooms are sinuous.
Crow: Some are probably supercilious.

"Doctor, this is Lucy Branch."

Cross: My cousin is Sally Limb.
Mike: My great Uncle is Ian Root.
Tom Servo: And her favorite singer is Twiggy.
Mike: We've got to go.

You have just tuned in to time-travel Jeopardy! Our
contestants today are the lovely, sinuous Gypsy, the
supercilious Tom Servo and Croooooow! Now here's your host
Mike Nelson!

Mike: Thank you, Don Pardo.  All right our first question is
name two regular hosts of the Tonight Show before Johnny
Crow: I know! I know! Jay Leno!
Mike: I'm sorry.  The question was BEFORE
Johnny Carson.
Tom Servo: I've got it! David Letterman!
Mike: Not even close.  Gypsy for the lead?
Gypsy: This is so unfair! How do you expect us to know that
answer when we weren't even built during that era!
Crow: Yeah, Mike! I mean was there anything before CDs? I
certainly don't know.
Tom Servo: Our knowledge begins and ends with our culture.
For instance, we don't know anything about "Green Acres."
Crow: Cloche hats.
Gypsy: Prohibition.
Tom Servo: The Declaration of Independence.
Crow: And we certainly don't know anything about holes in
albums. Tom Servo: Why if we saw such holes, we'd be shocked!
Crow: Stunned!
Gypsy: Frightened!
Crow: It's not like CDs have holes in them!
Mike: Actually, Crow.  They do.
Crow: They do.
Mike: Mmm-hmmn.
Crow: Well that's jolly well, crikey, fag-arsed...

"Do you want a cup of tea, love?"

Crow: Before I get into your knickers.
Mike: You do have knickers, I hope.

"Son of the morning....Come into me now.  Take control of
this vessel, I give myself into your hands."

Tom Servo: "This is the dawning of the age of Aquarius, the
age of Aquarius. Aquarius!"
Crow: I can't take much more of this.

"Excuse the arm," he said.  "War wound."
"I'm sorry.  I bear a few of those myself," said the Doctor

Mike: What?
Crow: Wouldn't regeneration fix everything?
Tom Servo: Isn't that the purpose of regeneration?
Mike: The fifth Doctor was damaged the most.
Crow: And that was three regenerations ago.
Tom Servo: Don't get me wrong.  I like the eighth Doctor, and
he got banged up a little in his battle against the Master,
but battle scars?

"I'm delighted to meet you, Mrs. Kreiner. Your son seems
virtuous and trustworthy."

Mike: This must be the Fitz from the antimatter universe of
Quard. Crow: Meanwhile back at the non-interesting date of
Sam Jones and that crikey twit Fitz Kreiner.
Tom Servo: Absolutely nothing happens.
Crow: Well there's a shock.
Mike: Oh, wait! Robots!

"...The Doctor hadn't even let her carry her rape alarm."

Tom Servo: Doctor Who-do-you-think-you-are?
Mike: Like the sonic screwdriver isn't anachronistic?
Crow: This is just offensive.

"This way lads, that's right, drag the bleeder down here, and
we'll sort him."

Crow: Yeah, that Fitz is kind of a leech.  Oh, wait, they
mean the robots.

"Where are your mates?"
"We're here...Ready to rumble."

Crow: Of course, that just means snapping their fingers and
doing pirouettes. Tom Servo: Singing "I'm so crikey pretty."

"I'm afraid she's been through a bit of a rough patch

Mike: Patch of what?
Tom Servo: A patch of blonde.
Crow: Bad for the gray cells.

"The excitor transmitters in the brain have been stirred up,
altering the personality of each of the subjects, bringing
about this delusion.  A shared delusion....They're wired in a
different fashion."

Mike: All this from a dream about caves?
Tom Servo: Mike, Mike, Mike, Mike, Mike, Mike, Mike.
Crow: Stop. Stop. Stop. Stop. Stop. Stop. Stop. Stop.
Tom Servo: The Doctor and the Upper Class Twit
clearly have vastly superior intellects to that of the
average reader.
Crow: We couldn't possibly follow their trains of thought.
So, the author considerately left them out.

"Grr." said Fitz, looking coyly at the plant between his
legs.  "You were an animal."

Mike: "Oh, the humanity!"
Tom Servo: It's like an overlong "Benny Hill" routine.
Crow: No, it's far worse.

"Sam! Sam, Sam, Sam, Sam...Cup of tea will do you good.  Oh,
Sam, Sam, Sam...."

Tom Servo: Does this guy even like the Doctor?

Mike: He seemed to in "The Longest Day."
Crow: This is "The Longest Read."
Tom Servo: The Doctor's a time traveler. Maybe he read this
book and traveled back in time to kick him in the shins or
Mike: And paradoxically caused Michael Collier to write this
book out of revenge.
Crow: It shows.

"Why am I so scared, Doctor?"

Crow: Because the novel's only halfway through, and you're
still in it.

"Yeah, I left with a young woman, but I never saw what
happened to Chubby.  We weren't exactly looking for a

Crow: Ha-Ha.  I so want to kill him.
Mike: Officer, arrest that poor excuse for a man for
irrelevant sexual innuendo.
Tom Servo: Let's see. Two parts "East Enders," one part
"Fawlty Towers," one part every Amicus and Tigon film from
the sixties...Sprinkle "Benny Hill" liberally.

Mike: Oh, lord in heaven, please don't let the nice policeman
refer to Fitz as "my son."
Crow: I'll make a pact with Satan just to cover all our bets.

"Well, well," he said.  "Who's a clever boy,

Tom Servo: And the Doctor's voice raises to grandma pitch.
Mike: One part Monty Python.
Crow: Someone just shoot me.

"His words seemed to insert a flash-frame of herself into her
racing thoughts."

Mike: More like a slow crawl.

"She had dark hair and a whole different life, sitting in a
bedsit eating hamburgers on a rainy day.

Tom Servo: And the bedsits are carnivorous.
Mike: At least they like rainy days.
Crow: And the annoying Phantom Sam is mentioned for no good
Mike: At least she's not shooting up.
Tom Servo: But she's still there, Mike as a blatant
continuity reminder.
Crow: A continuity I might add that
nobody cares about.

"Sam, it's so good to see you!"

Crow: What? No Sam, Sam, Sam, Sam, Sam, Sam, Sam, Sam, Sam,
Sam, Sam, Sam, Sam, Sam, Sam, Sam, it's so
good to see you?

"And Gallifreyan sight?"
" retinas have been through a lot in their time."

Crow: There was that time the Sontarans pulled them out of my
head and used them as castanets.
Tom Servo: And the time when Richard Gere's henchmen popped
them out of their sockets, sprinkled a little of Phantom
Sam's cocaine on them and shoved them up my...

Mike: Arse.
Crow: Crikey that hurt.

"It's like trying to run an AppleMac program on a Commodore

Tom Servo: So she knows about the Commodore 64.
Mike: Best computer ever made.
Crow: But holes in records sends her into a state of total
confusion. Tom Servo: Oh, look, she knows about "Scooby-Doo"
except for Freddie.
Mike: You know, at this point, I think I'd prefer the Phantom Sam.
Crow: At this point, I'd prefer the Phantom Menace.

"She felt the Doctor pulling her away, whispering her name in
her ear, again and again...."

Tom Servo: Or like he always refers to her.
Crow: With his supercilious lips.

"Oh, you're going down for what you've done, my son."

Crow: That's it! I'm out of here!

Pearl: Well, Mike, robots, have we learned anything from this
Tom Servo: Don't ::::sniff::::: Don't use the
Interocetor to burn down the movie screen.
Mike: There are worse things than bad movies.
Crow: Can we go now? I need to shower.
Pearl: Very well.  After all, you need to prepare yourself
for next week's movie.
Tom Servo: Which is?
Pearl: Batman Forever.

Ray C. Tate (> 19/6/99


Bokman7757 (> wrote:
>>Not the
>>biggest waste of material, but still could have been significant.

Marcus Durham  (> wrote:
>Well not as bad as the 200,000 unsold copies of Timelash that are
>filling a landfill just outside of Guildford...... called Woking :-)

>Yes, and Aidan, mention the Woking one way system and I may have to kill

Wasn't that the throughfare that Terry Nation got to name? You know the
one I mean, The Woking Alley.

Robert Smith? (> 21/6/99


Dr. Evil (> wrote :
>> I've just downloaded 76 messages, of which 40 are from the
>> Moderated thread. Yawn. Wake me up when it's over will you?

Alain Berguerand wrote:
>BTW, could some kind soul post a daily summary for the rest of us ?

Moderation Diary (excerpts):

Day 684:
Some people are for it, some are against. Some arguing took place.

Daniel Frankham (> 21/6/99


[Subject: Re: 'Interesting' Doctor Who combinations]

Myra (> wrote:
>This is for individuals or pairs of DW characters (ie the Doctor and
>the Master, or the Doctor and some companion, etc) who would be...
>unique. Horrible or fun, it doesn't matter. Strange is the key
>For example:
>Ozzy Osbourne as the Doctor, Marilyn Manson as the Master
>Woody Allen as Adric

"Oh ahhh...I'm the Doctor or  somebody...ahhh...I signed a lot a bad
contracts actually...ahhh..ohh damn...that bat thing always comes
up..ahhh...we were high, and I pissed on the Alamo."
"I just feel so disoriented by this time travel.  I mean what if we arrive
in a time where I'm considered sexual inadequate?"
"That's any time, gimp boy."

Charles Daniels (> 21/6/99


[Subject: Re: Finn Fang Foom Weekly #31 - the A-Z of Doctor Who!]

Pope Maddogg wrote:
>> And it's about bloody time!

Finn Clark (> wrote:
>The slogan for the Finn Fang Foom Telemovie!

Banned in 142 Countries, Publicity Burned To Righteous Nationalistic Music
In the Rest.

Charles Daniels (> 21/6/99



Karen Jo Nyctolops (> wrote:
>>I may be remembering wrong, but most of the invasions were fairly
>>localized, so could be covered up.  All of the dinosaurs conveniently
>>went back to the past in Invasion of the Dinosaurs, so UNIT could
>>cover up the evacuation of London and odd sighting by saying that the
>>army accidently set off some new gas weapon that had hallucinatory
>>effects.  I think that the Scarasen in the Thames would be the hardest
>>to explain/cover up.

Robert Smith? (> wrote:
>Well, they based that one on the real-life coverup of the unicorn
>stampede in Dorset in 1973.

        [ " .... " ]

        [ "Go on.  That's your cue." ]

        [ " ... No." ]

        [ "Go on!  Everyone's out there waiting!" ]

        [ "Look, I'm *not* going out there.  It's a crap joke,
           it's an obvious set-up line, and I'm sick of playing
           straight-man second banana to Smith?, anyway." ]

        [ "Get out there *right now* or you'll never work in
           this newsgroup again!  You're under contract, you
           know!" ]

        [ *sigh*  "All right, all right .... " ]


        Gosh, *I* never heard of any unicorn stampede in Dorset in 1973!

        [ Drum roll.  Cymbal crash.  The audience goes wild,
          throwing flowers.  Exit MONTOURE, stage left,
          muttering crossly. ]

Michael J. Montoure (> 22/6/99


[Subject: Re: What happened to John Black?]

Nicholas Stanton wrote:
>Why didn't he direct anything else after K9 and Co?

I think that that speaks for itself.

Mark Aldridge (> 22/6/99


[Subject: Re: Dr.Who personal hygene and restroom issues??]

I will ensure that I include a scene in "Frontier Worlds" which
answers all of these questions, and builds on the stuff that
Lawrence Miles put in to "Alien Bodies". Clearly, the
Doctor must have a perspiratory by-pass system, for
example. And since he never goes to the toilet, you'll
understand why Lawrence said that the Doctor is
"at one with the lining of his pockets". He is, in fact,
at Number Ones with the lining of his pockets. This is
probably why Terrance Dicks and Paul Magrs keep
describing them as "capacious".

Peter Anghelides (> 23/6/99


Nicholas Smale (> wrote:
>Lots of Doctor Who stories sound rubbish when you boil them down to a
>brief synopsis ("Plastic aliens try to take over the world using shop
>window dummies", "The Loch Ness monster attacks London").

Well, quite.  I mean, "After a visit to the technological marvels
of Heathrow, Concorde makes an emergency landing in primeval
England, where pulsating jelly-monsters have teamed up with the
Master!" sounds like a perfectly terrible idea, and yet...

Graham Nelson (> 23/6/99


[Subject: Re: CSO, anyone?]

Xerophyte (> wrote:
>I've never quite understood how on the same series, the same effect can be
>used and the end results are never consistent!

>For example:

>"The Robots of Death" (snip> looked perfect.

>On the other hand:

>"Planet of the Spiders"

>So how can the same effect work badly for some and not others?

It's almost as if there were *years* separating the production
of those stories ...

I've never understood why William Shatner looks older in the ST
movies than he did in the TV series :-)

Simon Simmons (> 24/6/99


[Subject: Re: San Francisco 2000]

>> And why did the Doc really give him the gold? Any >ideas, thoughts, or

Rayctate (> wrote:
>Yes, now this is tricky, but I'm going to go with that darn old Occam's
>again.  He's got at least a drawer filled with bags of gold dust for
>encouters with you know what.  So, he's not going to miss one.  No need to
>write a novel about it.  Please don't.

The Doctor sighed and wiped his brow.
256 Cybermen were piled up on the ground
in front of the Tardis already.  Yet they *kept
Oh well.  He reached into his special drawer
and pulled out the 15th bag of gold dust in
preparation for the next round.
Busy day.
Soon it would be time for another tall, cool,
refreshing glass of Country Time lemonade.


(novel partially funded by certain advertisers)

Azaxyr (azaxyr@aol.comicrelief> 27/6/99


[Subject: Re: Favourite companions to hate or love] wrote:
> I like them all except Ace and the machines.

> Susan - wierd
> Ian - camp
> Barbara - camp
> Vicki - dim
> Steven - thick
> Sara - butch
> Katarina - pointless
> Dodo - thick
> Polly - bats
> Ben - sexy
> Jamie - camp and thick
> Victoria - camp and dim
> Zoe - camp and bats
> Liz - bats
> Jo - thick, bats and camp
> Sarah-Jane - relentless
> Harry - thick, bats and camp
> Leela - sexy
> K9 - dreary
> Romana 1 - camp
> Romana 2 - arch
> Adric - bats
> Tegan - thick, bats and camp
> Nyssa - bats
> Turlough - camp
> Kamelion - dreary
> Peri - thick, bats and camp
> Mel - thin, bats and camp
> Ace - dreary

This evaluation of the companions is brought to you by
Camp, Arch, Bats, and Thick, Attorneys-at-Law.

Deacon (stompin@the.savoy> 28/6/99


Alan S. Wales (powrwrap@aol.compost> wrote:
>I've often wondered what people would guess me to be if I went to a
>costume party dressed like a Sontaran. A walking, talking penis? I've
>never had the balls to do it, though. (I mean, I've never had the nerve to
>do it.)

You could always take along a mate got up as Alpha Centauri.  That would
really give 'em something to chew on.

Gareth Thomas (> 29/6/99


[Subject: Re: Worst actor to play the Doctor]

>>>>But JNT learnt his lesson, and made up for this slump by giving us the
>>>>wonderful McCoy era.

DBurns wrote:
>>>He might have made up for the slump, but there are those that would say
>>>that he made up for the slump by creating an even larger slump than

Gregg Smith wrote:
>>No, are there? I simply hadn't noticed. Goodness, next you'll be telling
>>that such people have no taste.

Adam Richards wrote:
>Next he'll be telling us McCoy's poo smells of roses...

".....and when Adam next wandered onto radw, all the posters wore T-shirts
which said: 'Come back John long.  All is forgiven!!!' "

Danny Gooley (> 29/6/99


[Subject: Arthur peruses Dominion]

I hate swedes, me.  You can blame Peter Wyngarde for that.  When I was
six Peter Wyngarde worked as a dinner-lady at my primary school.  If
you're wondering how on Earth Peter Wyngarde got a job as a dinner-lady
I can tell you that it was while he was resting between acting
appointments and anyway this was back in the Sixties and things were
different then.  Every lunchtime I would stand in the dinner queue
between Jacqueline 'Swill Bin: Odour Reminiscent Of' Jameson, whose
background of social deprivation had the effect that she smelled like a
container of pig fodder, and Garry 'Wears a pair of National Health
Specs with one of the lenses plastered over' Gilroy whose background of
social deprivation meant that he wore a pair of National Health Specs
with one of the lenses plastered over. They didn't call him 'Wears a
pair of National Health Specs with one of the lenses plastered over'
for nothing.  It wasn't that he had a lazy eye or anything like that.
It was just that he was so poor he was only allowed to look out of one
eye at a time.  Hard to believe, but this was back in the Sixties and
that was the law then. As I waited to be served I would endure the
taunts of  Billy 'Bigot, Bully and Break's Badger's Backbones for a
Bet' Barnes who stood further down the queue.  To pass the time Billy
would shout abuse at those he perceived to be different to himself.
Itinerant igloo-dwellers like myself had no chance.  'OI, BANANA,' he
TYPES OF SNOW YER FISH-STINKING INUIT. ' It would have been futile for
me to point out that I was in fact born in this country, and had never
been to Greenland: this was back in the Sixties and such attitudes were
acceptable then.   Billy Barnes wouldn't have understood anyway: he was
the peripatetic music teacher and only really taught clarinet to the
posh kids.

Over the servery counter would come the rank aromas of over-boiled
vegetables.  This was back in the Sixties and vegetables were cooked to
buggery then.  They were put on to boil a full seventeen hours in
advance to ensure that no trace of vitamin survived to allay the scurvy
and rickets of the poor children. It was how they maintained the class
divide in those days. The menu was always cabbage, carrots and swedes.
Nothing else: just cabbage, carrots and swedes. That was all school
dinners consisted of in the Sixties, apart from the semolina skins that
were served for pudding.

The day that Peter Wyngarde came to my school I was feeling a bit peaky
anyway on account of breakfasting on lightly grilled spam marinaded in
Ready-Brek  (remember, this was back in the Sixties long before the
Golden Graham emerged to save Western society from encroaching culinary
decadence) so I decided to forego the swedes, just for today. I
indulged Wyngarde with my sweetest smile as he ladled semi-solid
cabbage and carrots onto my plate, but I interrupted him as he reached
toward the swede vat:

'No swedes for me, thank you'

Wyngarde turned a deeper shade of red, then paled to a lighter hue that
was closer to orange, and the left point of his moustache disappeared
up his right nostril.  I guess he must have practised that.

'Just for that you can have *thirty seven* portions,' he sneered, 'and
you're staying right here until you've eaten *all* of them.'

'Sod off,' I told him, 'I mean don't get me wrong - I'm sure you have
the making of a fine cult actor and within a decade you will find your
metier in an archetypal Seventies show of the Crime/Detection/Thriller
genre - but I don't think dinner lady-ing is quite your forte.  You
seem to lack the requisite empathy with children.'

'*You* sod off,' he replied, 'It's my first day and I can't be expected
to get it right first time.  So eat up those Swedes or I'll remove your

He made me do it too.  Then he wouldn't give me any pudding until I'd
eaten seconds.

It took two weeks and seventeen stomach pumps before I could finally
expunge the swedes from my system and face the world.  To this day I
cannot even look at a swede.  The aisle nearest the doors in Safeway is
forbidden teritory to me.  I hate swedes, me.

So when a fellow called Nick Walters writes a book called Dominion that
is packed with swedes from cover to cover I'm sorry but I am not
disposed to be generous.  I mean I'm sure Nick Walters is a good bloke:
it's such a 'good bloke' sort of name isn't it?  So he shouldn't take
this personally.  It's just that he's written a book about swedes, and
that gets to me at the level of personal childhood trauma.  It's not my
fault that I'm about to castigate a book he doubtless put a lot of time
and effort into creating and feels pleased as Punch (on the day he
first copped off with Judy, before the rot set in) with.  I really
can't help it.

Before I begin my tirade I will mention the one good, nay *pioneering*
thing about this book. Walters has finally devised an apposite
designation for the Eighth Doctor.  No more experimentation with
'Doctor Identikit' and 'Congenital Idiot' will be required, for on page
88 of Dominion Walters has summarised the Eighth Doctors quintessence
in eight pertinent words. From henceforth the Eighth Doctor will be
known as 'The Guy with Two Hearts, who never Farts.'

My opprobrium then.  Where to begin?  With some


space of course, or else people might refer to be as a 'rapscallion'
behind my back.  Following that I'll move on to silliness:

Dominion is quite the silliest book I have read this decade.  Countless
episodes have 'Duncan' Daft's handiwork scribbled all over them.
There's the lift, for example.  So there's this lift into a UNIT base -
right?  And they want to hide it - with me?  So they disguise it as a
woodland cabin that anyone can just walk into.  Silly enough for you?
Wait - there's more.  Suppose someone happens upon the cabin, how do
they prevent them accidentally operating the lift?  Well they disguise
the controls as a vice-handle, of course!  The single most prominent
movable object in the cabin, that anyone can just 'idly toy' with, will
get you down to the military base.  They must get plenty of visitors.
If I were them I'd open up a tea-room in the foyer.

Then there's the butterflies.  I mean whatever you do, don't emphasise
the butterflies, Nick.  It's not worth it.  The TARDIS having a room
full of butterflies is twee enough anyway: don't go having them save
the universe.  Butterflies don't assemble en-masse and lead people
towards buttons to be pressed.  Everyone knows that.  It says so quite
categorically in the Children's  Guide to Butterflies, Moths and other
Pretty Insects that you Really Don't Want to Squash, p 245 (Target
Education 'Patronising or what?!' series, Volume III, 1957, nla) so
don't go stretching our credulity, Nick - it doesn't suit you.

Or there's the names.  If I were to write a book about Swedes I would
take as a matter of personal pride not to go for the obvious options.
I would avoid the names 'Bjorn' and 'Andersson' at all costs.  Not so
Nick Walters.  Care to guess the moniker of the third Swede we meet? A
plate of meatballs goes to the winner.

Enough of  'Duncan' Daft.  On to 'Francis' Formulaic.  He's been
drafted in to construct this narrative and no mistake. By special
request he does the 'Hokey formula Cokey'.  You puts yer 'mysterious
disappearences *in*, yer 'half-hearted police investigation' *out*,
*in* yer 'aliens that hatch out of people's stomachs', *out* yer 'let's
keep all these alien visitations all hush hush coz we're conspiracists
and we like to conspire coz otherwise we wouldn't be conspiracists
innit?'; *in* yer 'wormhole to an alternative universe', *out* yer
'gung-ho military mentality cocking it all up at a crucial moment'; yer
*shake* yer 'future of the planet is all down to whether yer blue
police box can quite take the strain' *about*.

And that, sadly, is what it's *all* about.

Dominion cribs from movie genres like it's going out of fashion (which
it is: the 'in' set of 1999 crib from Tiawanian prose-poems), which is
not to say that it's narrative style reflects the directorial skills of
a Bergmann.  No, this is Michael Winner's contractual obligation film
at best.  To describe Walter's style as pedestrian is a gross calumny
on footwalkers everywhere, although he does pass the most basic
stipulation for a post-1999 Doctor Who release: he includes the word
'bullshit' at some stage in the narrative.

On to 'Conrad' Characterisation, or rather his absence.  Let's start
with TGWTHWNF.  For sure, he's got two hearts; for sure he never at any
stage emits gastric methane.  Unfortunately, for sure he never does
anything else whatsoever throughout the entire course of the
narrative.  Not a thing.  Not a sausage (oh, all right, he does do just
one little chipolata).  Is  he actually *in* this book?  You know, I've
quite forgotten.  Mind, I wish Miss Jones would do nothing.  Just for
once.  I mean, her attempts at wise-cracking in the face of
annihilation are nauseating enough ordinarily, but Walters has to go
one further and have her do it *telepathically*.  Mind, there was a
lovely passage which saw Miss Jones covered with assorted strains of
corrosive and/or adhesive mucus, but, as ever, Miss Jones' tribulations
*were not followed through.*   She ends the book disarmingly alive,
mucus-free and *still bloody wise-cracking*.  You know that moment when
the window cleaner has left and you are free to meditate?  So you start
to chant your personal mantra (mine is 'Nuts, Luvv-er-ly Hazlenuts,
Ooh') and assimilate into your surroundings.  Just as you're attaining
oneness with the cosmos you are brought back to the here and now by a
persistent yet non-rhythmic banging.  Yes - some bastard has left the
door to a draughty room across the hallway slightly ajar.  So you get
up to close the door then return to your meditation.  Whereupon the
bastard returns to the room and leaves the door ajar again.  That's
just the sort of bastard thing Miss Jones would do.  She is *that*
annoying.  You can create an alternative universe as evocatively as you
like, and I'll concede Nick Walters does this quite well (though I
can't imagine other Universes, with a totally seperate evolution, still
having 'dirigibles' in them) but your efforts are blown to buggery if
*she's* in there.

Then there's Fitz and his comedy interludes.  'Hey, this'll raise a
laugh ... this guy's gonna want to smoke a cigarette, but every time he
gets round to sparking one up he' s  ... *going to be interrupted!*
Hilarious or what?  Let's face it: it's 'what'.

At least Dominion is a *sobering* read. Come to think of it, I needed
that.  Revolution Man was superlative, but it put me on a high.  The
world seemed insignificant whilst the memory of its myriad wonders
still traversed my neural-paths.  Dominion has cured me of that.  It
has brought me back to my igloo, my pool of typing monkeys, my ever-
present window cleaner, my beloved Golden Grahams.  Back, in other
words, to reality.  I have read the book and I have reverted to the man
I formerly was.  I owe Nick Walters a grudging acknowledgement for that.

Art Banana (> 29/6/99


Rhys Evans (> wrote:
>>Yep, in his first story if I can remember the video cover picture he
>>wore a black hat that he nabbed off somebody

>Yes.. a nice trilby he swiped from Dr. Beavis if I recall correctly.

Went a treat with the shorts and sneakers he nabbed from Dr Butthead.


Rob White (> 30/6/99


[Subject: Re: 3rd/4th Doctor employed by unit...Pay??????]

James Caldwell (> wrote:

>>Just an interesting little thread. When the doctor was "employed"
>>as scientific advisor for unit, did he receive a wage, or any other
>>bonus or was this a more informal arrangement ????

>>Any comments welcome....

Nyctolops wrote:
>The third Doctor was UNIT's "unpaid scientific advisor" as either the
>Doctor or the Brigadier put it, can't remember which, maybe both, at
>different times.  He got Bessie and lab space in return.

And girls, naturally.

Daniel Frankham (> 30/6/99


Nyctolops (> wrote:
>>The third Doctor was UNIT's "unpaid scientific advisor" as either the
>>Doctor or the Brigadier put it, can't remember which, maybe both, at
>>different times.  He got Bessie and lab space in return.

Nicholas Stanton wrote:
>And the funds or parts to build the dematerialisation circuit and the
>Whomobile presumably.

And the washing-up bowls to redecorate the TARDIS interior for 'The Time

David Brunt (> 30/6/99


 - Robert Smith?

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