The rec.arts.drwho Quote File - Oct. 2001 - Jan. 2002

Courtesy of Robert J. Smith

Submissions and comments should be sent to Robert Smith)

Finn's Quotefile

Yuppo, here 'tis!  I've gone through Robert Smith's file of quotefiled posts
at great speed, sorting them by the highly scientific criterion of deleting
anything that didn't make me giggle despite being skimmed at 3am while its
reader was hopped to the gills on sleep deprivation and Lords of the Storm.
Thus it's probably shorter than usual.  My own posts may be
over-represented, though I don't honestly know as I type this.  If so, then
tough.  :-)

All the quotes should theoretically have an attribution (name and/or email
address) and date at the bottom.  Any or all of these might be grossly
inaccurate or even missing.  There is also a certain amount of abuse 'cos it
made me laugh.  Smith? will probably choose a more sensible quotefile
compiler next time!

I think this is where I cut-and-paste the usual preamble before getting on
with the quotes, so here goes (suitably edited, of course)...


Welcome everyone to the latest Quote File. The Quote File is supposed to be
all the funniest bits from rec.arts.drwho (though other Doctor Who
newsgroups are also eligible if you want to send something in) but this
month it's an opportunity for Finn to strut his ego.  In the future if you
see a quotefileable post, please send it to Robert at


and include the headers, or else he won't know who wrote it and when.
Please send lots of stuff, or else the quotefiles will get real short.
Don't worry about whether it's brilliant or just vaguely amusing.  Robert
would sooner have too much material than too little.

Disclaimer: The copyright of all material contained herein remains with the
original poster, though it amuses me to think someone might believe I gave a
monkey's toss about copyright in the first place.  The quotefile is
theoretically updated monthly (ho ho ho) and past and present quotefiles can
be found at:

On with the quotes!


[Subject: Re: Free Dalek Plans now available!]

Rob Stanley wrote:

> Just a brief line to let you know that you can now download our
> full set of Dalek Plans at http:...
(deleted to save mankind)

Are you insane man?  Giving out information that could cause the
destruction of all life on this planet!  Have you no love for
humanity?  I mean, yeah, we did bring about the whole thing of
call-waiting, the Spice Girls and the designated hitter rule -
but for the love of Michael Bolton, have mercy!!!!

> If you need any support, help or advice on putting your
> resulting Dalek together, join all of us other mad Dalek
> Builders at http://...
(also deleted in a futile attempt to save the world)

Siobahn Morgan (> 1 October 2001


[Re: Colin Baker Charity Walk]

Dan Garrett wrote:

> Hope Colin is able to burn off a few pounds.

Nonono, the walk is *around* Colin, surely? :-)

Carol Hague, 5 Oct 2001


[Subject: Re: Paul Cornell on TV]

Steve Day wrote:

> Paul Cornell has written tonights episode of Causality :-)

that Causality is just one damn thing after another.

Michael Livsey (> 7 Oct 2001


> At 9:30AM, a rouge Dalek taskforce,

Lawks o lordy!   Has Victor Lewis Smith moved in?

DALEK 1:   Have-we-got-our-pow-der-puffs-and-hand-bag-compacts-ready?

DALEK 2: Lend-me-some-more-of-your-lip-py,-love.

Cardinal Zorak (> 10 Oct 2001


Steve Day wrote:

> Talking to one of my football teams players the other day who
> relates a story of bumping into Sylvester McCoy in a Leicester
> Kebab shop some years ago very late at night.  I don't know,
> the crap footballers and actors eat.... :-)

SO did the footballer say anything to Sylv or vice versa? :)

FB: "Hey, you're that Doctor guy, right?"
SM: "Occasionally."
FB: "My mate Steve Day hates your stories."
SM: "erm...."

Jim Vowles (> 13 Oct 2001


&E(r) wrote:

> Damn stereotypes.  Feck - I'm bi and I could probably
> bench-press just about all of you here on this ng.  So while
> I AM a geek :D I'm bigger than most of you and I get twice as
> much sex!

Isn't 2 x 0 = 0?


Chris Parrott (>, 16 Oct 2001


Tymelord wrote:
> In the meantime.  Entertain yourselves with this dot
> .

Uh, uh uh uh uh.  Pant Pant.  Squelch.

(lights cigarette>

Finn Clark (>, 4 Nov 2001


Dave Roy wrote:

>> I get the impression there are two kinds of guys:
>> Those with girlfriends and those who don't drink.

> Then how do you explain those of us with wives who
> also have the occasional drink?

That's easy. But how do you explain drinkers who have the
occasional wife?

Alan S. Wales (powrwrap@aol.compost>, 8 Nov 2001


[Subject: Random Who Episode Or a Curry]

Okay, time to play my favorite game.  I will pick up a book, and
point to a random episode of Doctor Who and decide which is
better...that story, or a curry...

Here we go...

Okay..a curry or...Terror of the Zygons.

Now as much as I would love to watch this story and wonder to
myself what curried Zygon would be, perhaps their suckers would
remind me of calamari.  Also the Loch Ness monster might make
interesting dinosaur curry.  As it is, this is a tough choice.  It
would definitely take a Madras to beat this story out.  Sure I
would be tempted by a delicious light Koprma with some naan bread,
but to get me to ignore Terror of the Zygons completely, I'd need
some serious down home Southern Indian cooking.

Charles Daniels, 11 Nov 2001


Alryssa Kelly said:

> I will just cite, coming down the stairs at Grace's house... *cough*

I do hope he cleaned it up afterwards...

Oh hello Mr. Coat, is it time to go already?

gordon (>, 11 Nov 2001


Cameron Mason:
> Daniel Gooley:
>> Cameron Mason:
>>> Is that the sound of an alien heartbeat
>>> I hear echoing down the pipeline...
>> Erm....."Room With No Doors"?
> Fury from the Deep.

The "thwack" sound you may have just heard is the result
of sonic displacement caused by the rapid deceleration of
my palm caused by collision with my forehead.

Daniel Gooley, 16 Nov 2001


reddred wrote:
> Cardinal Zorak wrote:

>> Fanfic is far more creative.

> funny, most of the fanfic i read on the net has more to do
> with sex than anything else ... 'dr who shagged who?'

Ah, yes, but that's certainly creative.  Especially as one gets
the impression that many of those writers know absolutely
nothing practical about sex anyway and are probably stretching
their creative talents to the absolutely limit. ;>

Andrew McCaffrey (>, 25 Nov 2001


How can you make a comparison between Whitehouse and Bin Laden?

One is an almost universally reviled extremist, with militant,
facistic views and objectives, filled with hatred and vengeance,
and determined to destroy the very freedom of life as we know it.

And the other is the head of the al qaeda network.

Ben Nunn (>, 26 Nov 2001


Michael R. Wall wrote:
> Calling all Taliban haters!  Here's your chance to vote on how
> you feel public enemy number one, Osama Bin Laden, should
> be punished for his crimes.  Here are all the wonderful choices
> from the Doctor Who universe you can choose from:

None of them - just let Pip and Jane Baker start writing his
speeches, then nobody would ever take him seriously again
(or indeed be able to understand him, but that may well be
the case at the moment).

David Brider (>, 30 Nov 2001


> 2) The Edge Of Charing Cross Road

"Great. Now I'm stuck here on the pavement and have lost all my
companions to the addictive world of books. It shouldn't be too
hard to persuade Nyssa out of the science book store, especially
if I buy her that new book on telebiogenesis, and I might survive
with only a few bruises in getting Tegan out of the women's book
store before she's browsed through the feminist section, but
dragging *Adric* away from the lesbian fiction shelf is the
task I'm worried about..."

> 4) The Brain Of Adric

Nyssa: "Doctor, really, you should clean the kitchen more often.
Now look at that little raisin on the floor, I better put it in
the bin..."

Adric: "NNNNOOOOOO!!!" *slumps dead*

> 5) The Power Of Broccoli

Wasn't this done already as a serious story?;)

> 7) Vengeance On Bad Ratings

The whole world is doomed to die of brain hemorrhage as the BBC
promptly decide to hire Pip and Jane to script all their soaps.

> 8) The Nightclubs On Androzani

Sharaz Jek (in a camp voice and grooving to gritty industrial):
"Oh, Doctor, *pleaaaase*. The cricket thing is so passť. You of all
people should know that black leather *never* goes out of fashion."

> 9) Black Orchid: Warrior Princess

The crowd gasped at the costume Ann had given Nyssa. She wielded
her new sword with surprising strength, with a wicked glint in her
eyes. Adric swallowed loudly.

> 10) The Finity Doctors

This reminds me of the Terry Gilliam animation where all the
figures from famous paintings step out and leave... "I'm off!"

> 12) The Greatest Show In The Pub

The 4th Doctor's hair started to curl all by itself and his eyes
flew wide as the first chords of a heavy disco beat filled the pub.
He turned away from the bar to face the stage.

It was worse than anything he'd ever encountered in his life.

Yes, even worse than the Prydonian Academy's Amateur Poetry Festival.

It was Karaoke night.

He turned quickly back to his double Pan Galactic Gargle Blaster,
shuddering with fear and wanting to die, when Ben and Harry
strutted proudly on stage and started bellowing "IN THE NA-VYYY..."

> 19) Invasion Of The Pimples

Tegan: "Doctor! The mirror is covered in this yellowish-green muck
again! You *promised* to get that Zolfa-Thuran radioactive lotion
for Adric's spots a *month* ago!"

> 23) The Enemy Of The Coffee Machine

Brigadier: "YATES! BENTON! Why are you nodding off at your desks?
We can't have this sort of laziness on a military base! BELL!
Asleep at the typewriter again? Don't lie to me, I can see the ink
stains on your forehead!"

Doctor: "Now Brigadier, what on earth is all this shouting about?"

Brigadier (waving his swagger stick): "Just look at them!
Completely lazy and drowsy! What has gone into them?"

The Doctor nudged the snoring figure of Jo away from the coffee
machine. "My dear Brigadier, I think the question is of what
*hasn't* gone into them."

Brigadier: "What do you mean?"

Doctor: "I suspect the Master's behind all of this again." *sniffs
the air* "No... it CAN'T be! Not even *he* could be that cruel!"

As the Doctor started ripping the coffee machine into pieces, the
Brigadier sighed again. It had been a long day... "Doctor, would
you kindly explain what this is all about?"

"Yes. As it happens, The Master, in his endless cruelty, has
fiendishly changed all of the coffee in this machine into... DECAF."

Auntie Krizu (> 2 Dec 2001


Jonathan Blum said:

>> Strange criticism, I would think, as the Doctor almost
>> never used the TARDIS for local travel.
> Now, if he'd picked up a sprightly yellow roadster...

...He'd be very strong.


-- William December Starr (>, 4 Dec 2001


Lance Parkin wrote:

>> As a general rule, people are less confused by what happens
>> in the books if they read the books, rather than reading
>> second-hand reports from people who haven't even read the
>> books themselves.
> And in the real world, people tend to be confused by the use
> of obscure continuity, not the *lack* of it.

As a citizen of the real world, I am only confused by the
following things, thank you very much:

Income Taxes,
Russian Politics,
The Film Career of Gary Oldman
The Wheel of Time saga
Creation Science
Easter Island(All of it, thank you)
Any abstract math, actually, now that you mention it.
The musical tastes of 11-14 year olds
Rupert Murdoch
Upside-Down cake
Stephen Hawking's 'A Brief History of Time'.

All I can think of at the moment.
Although I suppose you could argue that last one does prove Mr.
Parkin's Point.

JerryD (>, 4 Dec 2001


[Re: what's the least embarassing 'who ?]

Regis Tarrant McGuire: "Good evening, and welcome to Doctor Who
Wants to be a Millionaire. We're about to play for $500,000. And
your question is :- what is the most appropriate response to the
following post?:

DBurns6554 said:
> An idiot
> (snip any context whatsover as usual)
>> Most of McCoy's last season is probably okay
> Battlefield
> With the lengthy break between series, fans were given plenty of
> time to get their hopes up for an improvement in the new season.
> The return of The Brigadier is the latest opportunity for the
> production team to utterly destroy something the fans hold dear...

(post continues into the commercial break)

Regis Tarrant McGuire: "We're back, and ready to give you your

A) Back away slowly, avoiding eye contact, reach for the nearest
handy telephone and quickly dial the local authorities.

B) Find the nearest desk, sit down in the chair, and do a complete
and appropriate reenactment of the Monty Python "It's The Mind"
Deja-Vu sketch, followed by participation in an impromptu,
unnecessary and irrelevant Summarize Proust competition, and a
brief but important relapse into Parrot Sketch territory.

C) Take a long course in psychology and then a briefer one in
graphical design so that one can first diagnose the obsessive
disorder behind such a response and then draw a diagram complex
enough to encapsulate the intricate latticework of possible
responses, the give and take of the previous rational debate, the
complexity of the human processes of argument and discussion, and
the concepts of opinion, relevance and sequitur on one hand, yet on
the other hand simple enough to show an arrow going up the other
side of the board to indicate how this response managed to bypass
all of that.

D) Don a floppy hat and scarf, stand upon a podium, put on your
best Tom Baker boggle-eyed impression, and shout back the response -
"My goodness, you read my entire post just to say THAT?!". Then
quickly duck behind the nearest tree, placing a cunningly disguised
wax figure of Tom on the podium to distract everybody, while
sneaking around behind the poster to shock them with a sudden burst
of "As Time Goes By" on the ukelele (and spoons). Should they not
be particularly surprised, scream out "Jumping Jehosphat!" at high
volume, hit them three times with a recorder, hold your lapels
whilst jumping up and down on the nearest celery patch, and wait
for the authorities to arrive to take away at least one, if not
both, of you.

And your answer is...?"

Mark Longmuir (>, 5 Dec 2001


Jim Vowles wrote:

> (And before I get beat up TOO bad for that, please recall that
> most Brit TV portrays Americans that sound like they're from
> Texas -- which is about 1200 miles from here, and even the
> handful of Texans generally don't speak so exaggeratedly in
> normal conversation.)

Jeem Vohwles, you caaah-ten pickin' varment!  People ain't
talkin' alliiike, dangit!  Yeeeeeeeeeeeeeehaw!

Shotguns, grits 'n' dangnammit          member -- literal national
NEVER Tea, Biscuits and Opera
Society must be saved, ya hear, so eat at Joe's!

Andrew McCaffrey (>, 6 Dec 2001


The Count wrote:
> They've never shown up in a story, but that's
> because they work behind the scenes.

Whoever is in charge of the AIs around here seems to have gotten
the Yads disk confused with their Becker disk.

Andrew McCaffrey (>, 6 Dec 2001


[Re: Welcome To Radw (Aka the Blazing Battlefield)]

Stephen Wilson wrote:
> DBurns6554 wrote:

>> The Usenet group in which you can discuss anything even remotely
>> related to Doctor Who. A great place to hear all the upcoming
>> news, and the rumours too. Tread with care, however. Say the
>> wrong thing and those nasty Whovians will tear you apart.

> If it's full of so many nasty people, why do you still participate?

`Cause he hopes to tame `em all with his sweetness an' light, natch.
All he really wants around here is love, honestly.  An' once he
*really* gets started, he'll whfcby8wb d7qytgrb17vb 2i42j92...

Oh, crap!  The drugs wore off.  An' I was jus' about to score a
goal for Uzbekistan, too...

Lorrill Buyens (>, 10 Dec 2001


John Long wrote:
> Daniel Frankham wrote:

>> Try:

> *boggle*
> Hey yads, did you really type all that?  What the hell ever
> happened to you, man?  Have you been dropping a lot of acid
> over the last decade?

An early work who's immaturity can be seen in a tendency toward
logical progression and overall literacy; and which reflects all
too clearly the influence of the "Sensible" school of Who

Although forerunners of the mature Yadallee-style can be seen in
such devices as the unnecessary inclusion of the former
Prime-Minister's full name of "Margaret Hilda Thatcher" and the
prediction of 2010 (then 19 years in the future) to mark Doctor
Who's final edition, the piece overall is entirely lacking in
the trademark non-sequiturs and malapropisms that are now
synonymous with "Yads".

It is only the passage's final sentence, the brilliantly ironic
"Sorry from some the typing errors", that really captures the
essence of latter-day Yadallee.

Fascinating nonetheless.

Gareth Thomas (>, 12 Dec 2001


Cameron Mason wrote:
> Alan S. Wales wrote:

>> Actually, Yads was quite lucid back in 1991. If that's what 10
>> years of usenet activity does to your brain, I'm outta here!
> I've been here about 2 and a half years, and already I can feel
> incoherance building up within me...

1995 I fist posed then. Incoherety no problem thowgh.

Daniel Frankham (>, 12 Dec 2001


>> Yesterday I watched Creature from the Pit.
>> I really REALLY Enjoyed it!
>> What's so wrong with it? I found it most entertaining....
> Well the thing the producer was unhappy with was the giant
> green male genitals.

Yeah, but after awhile the producer learned to live with the
green part.

Alan S. Wales (powrwrap@aol.compost> 16 Dec 2001


Mark A Page (Mappy) wrote:

> Of course, we are talking about a newsgroup that applies to
> Doctor Who, and as everyone knows, Doctor Who fans are notorious
> for not having lives.

Actually, I do have a life.

It's in a jar somewhere on my desk.

It might be behind the CD rack of Big Finish stuff, or it could be
on the shelf with my Dapol models....

Cameron Mason, 5 Jan 2002


Cardinal Zorak wrote:
> Stephen Wilson wrote:
>> The Doctor (> wrote:

>>> YOu cannot say shut up punt drunk any more; rather you say
>>> hush up Euro drunk!
>> You what?!
> He's referring to the Irish Punt no longer being legal currency.
> Or something.

You mean Yads just made a coherent joke?

Why are there four shifty looking blokes on horses outside my window?

gordon (>, 6 Jan 2002


[Subject: The name'sh Who. Doctor Who.]

> Never Say Nerva Again

Doctor Who
From Nyssa with Love
You Only Live Forever, Barring Accidents
On the Brigadier's Secret Service
Die, Mondas, Forever
Lytton Let Die
The Man with the Glitter Gun
The Spiders Who Loved Me
For Your Eyestalks Only
From a Voord to a Rill
The Living Daemons
The Master Never Dies
Nozzing in Ze Vorld ish Enuff!

[Oh, and Peter Cushing in Casino Roy Castle]

Miche Doherty (>, 7 January 2002


The Doctor (> wrote:

> If Mick Jagger rewrote Grainger's DW Theme?

Here would be a quick summary of the analysis in the first 2 weeks:

"Hmm. Pretty cool. I always liked Mick Jagger."
"It's okay, though I still prefer the Peter Howell version."
"It's utterly ghastly."
"McCoy is terrible."
"I hate McCoy."
"Who's Mick Jagger?"
"Mick Jagger sucks."
"I hate McCoy."
"The McGann movie isn't canon."
"The books aren't canon."
"Cars can eat dirt on the laundry line."
"Oh dear. Another alt.discordia cross-post."
"Er, we're supposed to be talking about the Mick Jagger version of
the DW Theme."
(Dave Yadallee quotes entire thread at this point, adds a sentence,
and crossposts it to several other DW newsgroups."
"I wish the moderated group was operating."
"You led the charge against the moderated group and voted against it!"
"I know. Irony's big this year."
"Time And The Rani. A chance for Doctor Who to turn over a new leaf ..."
"That post was entertaining the first time someone else wrote it.
But that is now the 367th time! Stop, for heaven's sake - stop!"
"Time And The Rani. A chance for Doc -"
"It lacks the sweet, dulcet tones of the original, but I like the
emphasis Mick gives to the mystery and the percussion sections."
"It sounds too much like other Mick Jagger songs."
"Mick Jagger liked McCoy. Therefore what he does is irrelevant."
"Mick Jagger can't be irrelevant in a thread about Mick Jagger's
work. QED."
"You know - I thought that the 3rd Doctor was much too militaristic
and establishment."
"Oh dear - it's Paul Cornell."
"Graham Williams didn't have a clear vision of what to do with
Doctor Who - so I really didn't like season 17."
"That's ok. I don't like Tom Baker at all. The big overactor."
"Sales of the Mick Jagger version of the Doctor Who theme have gone
Platinum. Doctor Who's back in the public consciousness. Hooray."
"Hey! How did we wind up with 1000 posts in the last 3 hours?"
"I suspect the Christmas Squid had something to do with it."
"Mick Jagger should play Davros in a Doctor Who movie."
"Mick Jagger fans are making their own threads and overloading the
group. It's like what Survivor I did to ."
"The 1963 version of the theme will always be the best. But I'll
give Mick Jagger number 2."
"The moose will make the snake turn green with envy."
"Sorry. I vowed to write something weird the next time Doctor Who
got mainstream acceptance."

Benjamin F. Elliott, 14 Jan 2002


Gregory McCambley wrote:
> Chris Cwej wrote:

>> Okay, the back of the Tomb of the Cybermen DVD lists it as
>> having no violence but mild sex/nudity.  What have I missed?
>> Is there some top secret egg on there to get this???

> (nature documentary voiceover)
> The Cybermat is a randy creature in its natural environment,
> ready and willing to shag anything that moves.  Men, women,
> giant cybernetic creatures, these Cybermats don't care which.
> It's off with the shells and they're at it...

not so much mere mats then, more like a good shag.

Brax, 21 Jan 2002


Finn Clark.

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