The rec.arts.drwho Quote File - Sept/Oct 98

Courtesy of Robert J. Smith

Submissions and comments should be sent to Robert Smith)


Charles Daniels (> wrote:
>Well I was bored, now all shall suffer...

You think that was bad ...

(Ben and Polly's song)

In the square
Where we were born
Lived a man
We couldn't please
And he told
Us of his life
In the land
Of Gallifree

So we jumped
Into his box
till we found we were
completely lost
and we lived
in time and space
in our TARDIS
Time Machine

We all live in the TARDIS Time Machine
TARDIS Time Machine
TARDIS Time Machine

We all live in the TARDIS Time Machine
TARDIS Time Machine
TARDIS Time Machine

And companions
Come aboard
Many more of them
Were here before
And his flute
Begins to play

tweedle-de depde depde depde
tweedle-de depde depde depde depde

We all live in the TARDIS Time Machine
TARDIS Time Machine
TARDIS Time Machine

We all live in the TARDIS Time Machine
TARDIS Time Machine
TARDIS Time Machine

fx: lots of strange hissing and clunking noises
ending with Exterminate! Exterminate!

And our lives'
Like a trapeeze
Swinging Sixties
Were a breeze
Polly's cocktails
Downed with ease
in our TARDIS
Time Machine

We all live in the TARDIS Time Machine
TARDIS Time Machine
TARDIS Time Machine

We all live in the TARDIS Time Machine
TARDIS Time Machine
TARDIS Time Machine

Richard Develyn ( > 17/9/98


[Subject: Arthur peruses Vanderdeken's Children]

People who say temporal paradox when they mean causal loop are buffoons,
sir, and you've been doing a lot of it lately eh Bulis?  I mean where's
theparadox? What's flippin' well *paradoxical* in yer dark green band and
yer dark blue band and yer thin loop o' yellow? Captain Trevor "Precise"
Terminology has nipped down the shops for a pint of bovine lactation, I'd

Anyhow, there's not many can be arsed to visualise loops of multifarious
colours - causal loop explanation rule no. 7 that is - but there *is*
other business to attend to.

One question Bulis: are you wanting to add another extension to your Sri
Lankan mansion or something, because if not then why are you spouting
Rama? I mean that's the only reason Clarkey does it/gets some silly named
NASA scientist to do it but then he's earned himself some respect, and he
knows the right people. I mean Clarkey and Kubrick are like *that* (and
I'm crossing my fingers) they are.  I bet Clarkey can watch A Clockwork
Orange, on a big screen, whenever he likes and Kubrick wont lift a finger
to stop him.  But can you?  Thought not. So whydyerdoit? Huh?  Anyhow,
the first Star Trek film pulled off this blag twenty years before you did
and that had a fabulous baldy woman in it to boot. You've just got Miss
Jones whose hair-length - short and spiky a la OrmanBlum or shoulder
length a la Justin Richards - you "conveniently" forget to tell us.
 Step this way Miss Jones.  Miss
nd-help-out-a-bit" Jones.  And whereas Star Trek One had Bones being
delightfully pissed-off because he looked all old and haggard, you've just
got Doctor identikit being more anodyne and identikitish than ever.  The
identikit is mostly Tristram Farnham this time round, I think, but there
are elements too of Moe Stooge and Worzel Gummidge.  Never a happy

So it's big, right?^ and it's dumb, yeah?^ can't say a word^ and it's an
object^ not abstract, no way, it's bloody well *there* that is, I mean
look at all the pipes and spikes and stuff^ and we want it and they want
it but they bloody well can't have it because we bagged it first.  We said
baggsy that object - it's not exactly talkative but it's sure big.  But
they said - hah! we had our fingers crossed so that cancels out your
baggsy so it's *ours*.

Hang on a bit^ Hey that hurt!  It might be big and dumb, but it's also
dangerous. How about yous and us be buddies so's we can fight it together,
and then perhaps we can settle down, explain the title's enigma-code and
repopulate a planet that's been wiped out - don't really know how but have
a gander at these different coloured bands. Oh, you can't be arsed. No
neither can I.

Step forward self-interested politician.  You know something don't you?
Got that gleam in your eye.  Going to *share* that little secret? Oh, well
plenty of time for that.  Meet hawk-like second in command.  Better get to
know him because you and he are going to be responsible for the entire
temporal paradox/causal loop debacle, ably aided by "why should I believe
you pinko scum" gung-ho Sho, Mr.
Action-hero-actor-whose-life-is-about-to-imitate-his-art, and a plethora
of over-familiar character types.

Come to think of it Bulis, do you like stock?  If you do, I hope it's good
stock, with a chicken carcass, giblets, an onion, some bay leaves,
peppercorns and cloves; not just a Knorr cube in some hot water, because
you dredge all your characters straight out of the vat so I hope it's fit
to be used in a luxury bouillon.

I mean if I want to watch Mrs. Bucket, I'll get in a six-pack and tune
into UK Gold on a Sunday, but I never do, so take Mrs.
Socially-superior-sit-com-snob by the scruff of the neck and eject her
from your narrative, along with her repressed and frustrated husband.
Suburbia is their habitat.  Never forget that.

I'll grant you that it *is* easy to get your ghosts mixed up with your
Ethiopian gladiators.  I do it myself after eating a mushroom salad then
watching Spartacus; so if you want to have your ghosties chased by other
ghosties wielding nets and tridents go right ahead.  Only tell us what the
ghosties actually *are* with a smidgen more clarity next time you get your
NASA chum to help you trot out a sequel.

How about some *pictures* next time?  Oh I don't mean vaguely runic Us and
Ls in a grid - I've had it up to *here* with them - give us some pop-up
pictures or a scratch and sniff book.  Maybe something that we can colour
in  ourselves? Or join the dots? Yes - that's the one, that's how to

Your next book, Bulis, should be of A4 size and approximately twenty pages
in length.  Each page should have a collection of dots, which when joined,
reveal a different ghost.  Underneath, you should write a caption in lemon
juice, so we can hold up the page to the sunlight and find out what the
ghost actually is.

There's a definite niche for that sort of thing, so forget the coloured
loops and get dotting.

You are mis-directing your talents, Bulis.  You could be the undisputed,
Join the Dot Who Guru.  Go for it.

Arthur Banana (> 17/9/98

[Subject: Re: Stories which couldn't be told with any other Doctor]

Robert Smith? (smithrj2@mcmail.cis.McMaster.CA> wrote:
>> No, but I can see Davison in The Aztecs (not playing much of a direct
>> role, but having Tegan as Yetaxa)

Charles Daniels wrote:
>So the Aztecs were REAL masochists?  Having Tegan as a god...yikesola
>Bitchtaxa Lives!

ADRIC: So, this girl is going to be sacrificed in a couple of days,
and the last thing she wants to do is... me?

TEGAN: Apparently. Though why, I can't imagine.

NYSSA: After she's had sex with Adric, I suppose death won't seem so

TEGAN: Now that I think about it, having sex with Adric is the last
thing I'd want to do, too.


TLOTOXL: You are a false goddess, and I will denounce you! Oh, my


NYSSA: Doctor, what happened to that woman who wanted to marry you?

DOCTOR: Oh, Cameca? Lovely woman... though it could never have worked.
Probably. I had to tell her I spent my youth up to the shoulder in a
cow's rectum before she'd leave me alone...


DOCTOR: However did you do that? I didn't think you stood a chance!

NYSSA: Oh, it was just a simple nerve pinch I learned from watching
_Star Trek_.

Daniel Frankham (> 23/9/98


[Subject: Re: The 1998 Canon Survey]

Canon is obviously the radw equivalent of religion or politics.  (Hmm.
"Canon is the opiate of the radw masses.  Discuss.")

Then there's the Lennon take on the whole Canon thing

Imagine there's no Canon
(It helps if you're high).
No series jacket to bind us
Before us open sky.
Imagine all the authors
Writing what they may.
(I I, I-i-i)

Imagine there's no sect wars
(It's sadly hard to do)
Nothing to troll or flame for
What "real" is up to you.
Imagine all the posters
Living here in peace
(Who who, who-o-oo)

You may say I'm a loony
(Hey, I'm not the only one!)
I hope some day you'll join us.
And the group will live, let live, have fun.

Imagine no obsessions
So we don't need to pan.
No need to have our own way,
Let all enjoy what they can.
Imagine all the radwers
Living Doctor Who

Who who, who-o-oo

You could say I'm a Who fan
Surely not the only one!
I wish "canon" were soon forgotten
And radw act as the Doctor's done.

Danny Gooley ( > 23/9/98


Andrew O'Day wrote:
>In response to Charles Martin's latest post: firstly, I would rather that
>you resorted to intelligent argument, rather than to swearing. Fowl
>doth not an argument make!

What's the matter - chicken?

Robert Smith? (> 23/9/98


Nathan Skreslet wrote:
>Can anyone please tell me what the planet Mondas looks like? is it
>Earth-like or more Moon-like. How does it's size compare to Earth?

It's exactly the same as Earth, only backwards. Kind of like America.

Rob Stradling (> 24/9/98


Jon Preddle (> wrote
>I did something like that once: when I was 14, I wanted to finish reading
>my new novelisation of FACE OF EVIL, so with quite a bit of effort I
somehow shoved a >rather large stool in my wardrobe and read the book with
a torch (flashlight for our >US readers). The next morning my parents
wanted to know  what all that banging  >coming from the wardrobe was!!

Yes, it *is* a nice picture of Leela on the cover, isn't it?

David McIntee (> 28/9/98


[Subject: Arthur peruses Deceit]

1) Five Years Ago

Laugh a minute being the general editor of a budding t.v. tie-in series?
Nosireebob it is not.  Get out from under me Dame Dilemma, your horns are
cutting a hole. They are as gimlets to my buttocks.  Fabulous talking

"People are looking at your example, so *Whatyergonnadoaboutit?*"

To which I reply

"I'll tell you what. I will choose a nice office, with a photocopier that
works and draw up guidelines.  You want to write for me?  Well take a
gander at these stipulations then. Next please."

"Hehe, I don't think so sunshine.  'Cos you know what they'll say - those
who can *do* those who can't teach *how to do* "

"Right In that case I'll bloody show 'em.  I'm gonna live the life of a
hermit. I shall feast on gruel, flagellate myself daily and use my own
guidelines to write the bestest most definitive Doctor Who novel that ever
there was."

"Oh don't be bloody daft.  They'll think you've abused your position by
commissioning yourself  when ordinarily you wouldn't have stood a rat's
chance. Use your brains man."

Laugh a minute?  It's a no win situation, for Pete's sake.

Okay, okay.  Tell Colonel Compromise to come in.  Let's get him kitted
out.  I *will* write the book, but I will make it abundantly clear on the
cover that I am doing so as a supreme act of self discipline to show
people that I am a hands-on manager and not merely content to lead from
the trenches.  Just in case the point is not taken I will add an
eight-page appendix, written in a calculatedly self-deprecating tone (in
fact I might just compare myself to Joseph Stalin) and whilst I am at it I
will slip in some Who-Orthodoxy of my own contrivance.  That should do it.

Now get your fabulous talking gimlet horns from under my arse, Dame
Dilemma.  They are cutting a hole.

2) Five Years Later

Arthur Banana picked up a copy of Deceit in a remaindered bookstore.  He
cut a hole, so they made him buy it.  A bit steep at one pound fifty.
There would be no Golden Grahams in the Banana household that week.  The
children would have to make do with Shreddies.

3) The Present

This book proved to be annoyance, as does the pigeon who, with seeming
prescience, knowing that the window-cleaner has finished for the
fortnight, craps twice down the pane of the guest-bedroom wherein Mary
McCartney and Alistair Donald are honeymooning. (I didn't let that room
out easily, I can tell you.  "No sorry, Sir Paul, it's just not available
at *any* price. Well, then you shouldn't have promised it to her without
checking first, and no I'm not intimidated by you or any other popular
entertainer.  I've already turned down Scary Spice.  Two thousand a night?
Oh *all right* then, but they'll have to help with the cleaning and if
they want vegetarian food they can bloody well cook it themselves.)

An annoyance.

It's quite good, Pete.  But it was always going to be that, wasn't it?  I
mean if you'd been the kind of person to write a shite book specifically
in your capacity as general editor of the book's line, then they wouldn't
have made you general editor in the first place.  But that's all it is,
*quite* good, and let's face it, quite is not good enough when you have so
pointedly  used the appendix to praise yourself with faint damnation.  The
book should have been a sun round which, since Dicks went supernova,
Orman, Cornell and Platt have taken orbit, but it is really a piece of
space-ephemera, one of it's own asteroid-faces but one with a jaded

Given it an abstract noun as a title have you Pete?  Why - is deception a
theme underlying the narrative in several ingeniously interlocking strands
or is it just that sometimes people aren't let on to see the whole
picture? Lieutenant Latter rides here, I'm afraid.  There's a bit of
chicanery goes on here and there, so you call the whole book Deceit.  You
cannot have failed to notice that Frank Herbert neglected to call his
magnum opus "Dehydration". Didn't pay any attention though did you?

It's quite a good title but not great.  It doesn't cut a hole, just a slim

The plot's good, in fact I'd say it definitely punctures a hole through.
Something's amiss on Arcadia - can't put my finger on exactly what but
they never got round to making a second series of Thirtysomething.

Mind you, I'm no medic but I'd always assumed that brains are shaped the
way they are for a reason and that pureeing lots of them just so's you can
sit in a pool of them would not in itself increase your IQ, but then I
could be wrong.  I'm sure Pete researched this.  That's when he wasn't
reseaching the crucial issue regarding  pureed-brain pools: whether they
get turned on by watching two women doing it. Is it better if the butch
one's got a cloven head and a metal implant?  I bet that took quite some

So, Scrappy's back, she's scrappier than ever
-Cummonunclescoobylemmedropbombsontheseandroidbastardsimasoldiernow - and
she's teamed up with Duke Nukem.  Come get some.

Not too sure about Slydoc He's still a manipulative little tosser, but he
has developed a seeming ambivalence toward megalomaniac pureed-brain
pools. The way he treats this one you don't know whether he more likely to
blow its pureed brains out or to buy it a pint down the local.

And no quite good Who story is complete without a corridor to run up and
down, and I have to admit that Pete has come up with a stunner. It is a
Black and Decker hole-cutter of a corridor. It has no dead-ends, yet it is
positively labyrinthine.  You don't need monsters to chase you up and down
this one, you could die of old age just finding the exit. Nice corridor,

The writing's quite good also.  It will not win any prestigious poetry
competitions but it will not take the wooden spoon for moribund prose
either.  It does win one prize, the Douglas Adams award for the most
gratuitous use of the word "fuck" in a Doctor Who novelisation.

So it is only quite good, and that annoys me.  If a book is shite then I
am angered or amused, depending on the variety of excrement in question.
Deceit fell between this so to speak stool and that other one - the
brilliant book that transforms me; makes me a different man.

The book has been read and I have the same complement of holes as I had
before. In this day and age I expect something more penetrating for my
one pound fifty.  Take note, Peter, you are not boring enough.

Arthur Banana (> 28/9/98


[Re: Delphon Opera]

Mike Sivier (> wrote:
>>>Which one was that, by the way?  It couldn't be any of the operas I
>>>was expecting because there's clearly a happy ending.

Charles Daniels (> wrote:
>>Well Delphon operas all end happily you see because the delphons are
>>basically happy go lucky gits

Mike Sivier wrote:
>That's because they don't have an eyebrow movement equivalent to the
>word 'sad'.

Yes.  In fact the closest they get is a sort of pensive look.

>From the book _Eyeborows to Eternity: A Guide to the Delphon Language and
culture_ By Brw Betn

"Some translators have made the mistake of trying to assign the closest
eyebrow movement to have a similar sentiment to sad.  However, since this
word is also used to signal constipation amung the Delphon, as well as
considering the Delphon's rather quaint cure for constipation, we believe
that doing this would be unhealthy for most travelers"

> Nor, indeed, do they have one for 'anorak'.

Which isn't really odd, considering.

Chris Rednour (> 30/9/98


MadDog (> wrote:
>>>You are all under some evil spell cast unto you making you think that
you like
>>>Tegan!  Tegan IS a BITCH.  She is not likable by any extent of the
>>> Why do you insist that she was a good companion?  All she ever did was
yell at
>>>the Doctor about how he never takes her home because he's saving the
>>>from the Daleks, the Cybermen, the Master, or whoever else happend to
be trying
>>>to dominate the universe (ooh, what a bastard, huh?).  I personaly
liked the
>>>Daleks alot better than Tegan.  Death to Tegan!  Please, for the love
of God,
>>>do not form a cult that worshipd Tegan!  She is evil!  Thankyou.

Karen Jo Nyctolops (> wrote:
>>I am going to get a big drum and beat it and yell.
>>Thump, thump, thump, THUMP, TEGAN!  Then this huge Tegan will rise up
>>out of the ocean and devour all the unbelievers.  So there!

Charles Martin (> wrote:
>You have fallen for the trap. Pay the troll.

And thus we witness the Power of Troll.

Robert Smith? (> 3/10/98


But back to the DW theme. I was staying with a mate in Brighton a couple
of weeks ago, and, in betweeen cruelly luring robotic dogs into the sea
with beach balls, picked up the CDs 'Variations on a Theme', and 'The
Worlds of Doctor Who'. Was feeling a bit flush, actually.

Anyway, back at my mate's flat, I popped 'VOAT' on the machine and spent
the next 20 minutes rolling around the floor in hopeless, hysterical,
embarrassment. Thankfully, rather than beating me to a fleshy pulp with
a baguette, my friend merely looked at me as though I had whazzed on his
CD player.

Who the buggering bollocks thought that this stuff was good? I really
have a hard time with the image of Keff McKulloch (or whoever), leaning
back in front of their sequencer as the code flies past thinking "Yeah,
this rocks!! This confirms me as the KING of Doctor Who
composers/arrangers; this pisses all over Delia Derbyshire!!"

Ben Woodhams (> 5/10/98

----------------------------------------------------------------- wrote:
>Foxtel are showing "Resistance is Useless" and "Destruction" as part of
>Who Files here in Australia. Can anyone tell me what's in these programs?
>I've never heard of them before!

These are the video diaries of two BBC meetings. The first is
JN-T pleading with BBC drama not to cancel the show after
"Survival". The latter is the BBC Archives policy in the 1970s.

Hope this helps.

Peter Anghelides (> 6/10/98


Brett O'Callaghan (> wrote:
>>Sorry, but according to the credits, Sylvester plays someone called
>>"the old Doctor". (Mike Sivier) wrote:
>Well, his incarnation is supposed to be getting on a bit by the time
>of the TVM. I'm surprised he didn't have a walking stick to replace
>the umbrella.

The done practice in all multi-Doctor stories in "Doctor Who" is to
call all the returning Doctors either "Doctor Who" or "The Doctor" in
the credits.  Definately never "the Old Doctor" - what then "The Older
Doctor", "The really old one before him" and "The Dead Doctor?"

Brett O'Callaghan (> 7/10/98


[Subject: Re: Loch Ness monster survey]

Anthony M Cervino (> wrote:
>>   I, Karen Jo Nyctolops, subscribe to the theory that the Loch Ness
>>is/could be a product of:

>>    a: Zygon "Earth-conquering" bio-technology
>>    b: the Borad's deliverance via the Timelash

Karen Jo Nyctolops (> wrote:
>Both of these.  There is more than one and they take turns being seen.
>This is why different people describe the monster in different ways.

That's it! and all this time I was trying to reconcile the two reports I

Description 1: It was this huge great, long-necked, ferocious reptile.

Description 2: It was a little, ugly bloke taking a swim.

Thanks, Karen.

Richard Smeltzer (> 8/10/98


Anthony M Cervino (> wrote:
>>I, Karen Jo Nyctolops, subscribe to the theory that the Loch Ness monster
>>is/could be a product of:

>>    a: Zygon "Earth-conquering" bio-technology
>>    b: the Borad's deliverance via the Timelash

Karen Jo Nyctolops (> wrote:
>Both of these.  There is more than one and they take turns being seen.
>This is why different people describe the monster in different ways.

Borad: Whose turn is it today, Skaresen?

Skaresen: ROAR!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Borad: Right. Me again, then.

Mike Sivier (> 8/10/98


Slake wrote:
>Indeed. I'm now suggesting that those of us who don't consider the TVM,
>sixties dalek movies, comic strips, NA's, 8DAs, MAs, PDAs, IAs, MIAs,
>AAs, audio adventures, Shakedown and Shada to be canon

>(pause for breath>

>employ the term "canonette" when referring to one of these, or the TV
series and
>"canon" when referring to the entire DW mythos.


Visions flicker before my weary eyes, like candlelight on a tent wall, a
gently swaying haze like an alcholic stupor.  Visions of a radw tortured
by sect war, scoured by flames.  Dishevelled posters huddling in tiny
enclaves, shivering at any movement.

In this post-apocalyptic radw, the very means of communication has broken
down.  Of those who recognise it's existence, the Doctor Who BBC
television series (1963-1989) is known as the "Core Canon" to all but the
Novel Fundamentalists (to whom it is "Canonica Apocrypha"), the Fringe
Dwellers, and the Smith?s, who know it as the "Applejet", from some
obscure pun whose meaning has been lost in the howling winds of time.

The term "canonette" was, for a time, used by a small portion of posters
for what they considered certain secondary sources, before being
fragmented into the "cani imperfecti", "scribuli canona" (intra, extra and
void), "audio accepta, -deni, refuta", and so forth.

Of those who did not accept the "canonette" status, (or only part of the
material within, or who used instead the terms "Secondary Canon",
"Non-core material", "Data Extracts", "Subsidiary" or the like), different
subdivisions have occured.  The "sub-apocryphal indicative non-licensed
pseudo-official radiophonic dramas, excluding semi-connected additional
adaptations" of the Neo Literari comprises effectively the same body of
work as the Techno Fundamentalists' "Other Audio" classification, but the
two are afforded completely different respect and canonicity by their
relevant users.  More typically, the "Duo Novellas" of the Troughtonians
is a classification which has no corresponding concept outside that
particular clique, cutting as it does across more logical canonical

Thankfully, not all has changed in this brave new world.  From a distant
bunker I hear the sound of heated debate over the actual title of Serial

Danny Gooley (> 8/10/98


[Subject: Arthur peruses Short Trips]

K-Tel.  Quality merchandise, without a shadow of one.  I don't only mean
the musical compilations - superlative though they undoubtedly are - but
the pioneering technological triumphs:  Brushomatic, Eggblender, you name
it that have enriched our lives abundantly and spawned no end of
catalogues, offering a veritable cornucopia of panacea domestic
appliances. What would we do without them?

Short Trips equals K-Tel.  You don't believe me?  Then read the foreword?

There is really no need for Mr. Cole to have to prove himself, just
because his name means cabbage, but he does anyway so let's have a shufty.
Link them to "freedom" eh?  That is, as you damn well admit, tantamount to
linking them to nothing at all.  Link them to something *concrete*, let's
have a *real* challenge.  Link then to "camera accessories", or "Belushi
Beacons" or indeed "concrete": anything but "freedom". That's the biggest
cop out since Bernard Manning farted in the Sun Hill nick.

But it's good it's versatile, it's K-Tel.  Look - you can even read it on
the train if you want to.  Wow, thanks Mr. Cole, I've always wanted a book
that could do that.  Mind you I've already paid five pounds for the book
and I've no intention of forking out another fifty-seven just so's I can
read it on the 9.24 to Kings Cross so thanks but no thanks.  I'll read it
in the bath as per usual.  What's more, what's *much* more, and to be
honest I don't know you kept mum about this in the pre-publicity stage,
*the stories are all of differing lengths!!!* Niiiice One Coley, but
justify it, come on, man.  Pardon me?  What's that you say?  Sounds a bit
like "That way the readers can't guess how quickly things will unfold, or
know long they can expect to be in the company of the characters starring
in each story," to me.  Fair point but, between you and me Steve, readers
don't try to guess things like that.  What they tend to do is look at the
page number, look ahead to the end of the story, get that page number,
subtract the former from the latter and lo and behold they *know*.

The difference novels and short stories is that whereas novelists try to
write a good book, short story writers try to write a "good" short story.
What's more they read books telling them *how* to write a "good" short
story and before we know it we're sinking in a
twist-in-the-tail/other-such-nonsense" quagmire.  There's no getting out
if it once the mud reaches your ankles. The stories are "good", for sure,
but Edward Entertainment has gone down the West End to take in a show.

So how can Mr. Cole successfully guide his writers around the quagmire?

Well certainly not by giving pride of place to a story called "Model Train
Set".  I mean how anal can you get?  The anus hasn't been invented that
can retain this.  We are talking Six Million Dollar Anus.  Now I have
never had a cross word for Mr. Blum before - and indeed his Vampire
Science and Seeing I books afforded me so much pleasure that I creamed my
metaphorical jeans - but I mean come on!  People who play with train sets
are of an even lower order than train spotters in that they can't even be
arsed to go out for some fresh air.  Now Mr. Blum and Ms. Orman have in
general made enormous progress in fleshing out an identikit eighth Doctor
but portraying him as someone who keeps a train set in the Tardis, will
not get the fans flocking back.  I can only presume that this is a
throwback to Jon's bachelor days and that things have now changed for the
better.  I can hear Kate's ultimatum now: "It's either me or that train
set Jon, *you* choose."

So, onto Old Flames and I'm sorry to say that it's "good".  So TomDoc's
got a girl in every port, in a four-dimensional/space is no limit sort of
way, has he?  But how many old flame stories do we need?  I mean we know
the flame's going to rekindle and then he's going to lose her again.  It's
the rule for this kind of story, innit?  It's what makes it "good".  We
know they're not going to get back together full time following a sex
session in her double-decker Tardis, leaving Sarah Jane to feel like a
spare part, so why bother? This is too "good" - which is not good enough.

War Crimes.  Me man. Me big-um hunter.  Me look after woman-folk.  Unless
me not big-um enough but more reserved intellectual um-type when me get
um-balls cut off by wise woman.  This is not "good", but it's no bloody
good either so on to:

The Last Days and a rare oasis.  Good and not at all "good", it's
disparate, like it's the only surviving last episode of a four part
Hartnell.  Top notch Hartnell though.  Aztecs not Romans - ironic I know
but true.

Nab him jab him tab him grab him stop that pigeon now. Keep your post
modern mingling of paradigms away from me Perry Tucker. Or at least go the
whole hog and call it The Perils of Penelope Pitstop.  I have an allergy
to Wacky Races spin-offs and you've just set it off.  I sneeze all over
your short-story, first Missing Adventure or no.  I mean it's not exactly
"good" which is a good thing but you've gone and un-created everyone who
ever lived to get you past a tricky plot impasse, which smacks not of Dick
Dastardly but his cousin Dan Desperate.

I'm sorry, did you *have* to?  I mean you collate a collection of stories,
decide they're going to be about freedom, and then you go and call one of
them "Freedom."  Obadiah Originality's left the building to start up a new
fad.  Why not call it what it is.  "JonDoc and Jo are banged together in
an advanced outside-of-Space-Time-Continuum penal institution."  'Cos
you've got quite a readable little story there but no-one's gonna bother
if you just call it Freedom, are they?

The title Glass brought up nasty subconscious memories of a minimalist
composer's repetitious inanities, but the story itself quite eclipsed them
with its horrific excellence.  The fact that TomDoc and the Goofy Romana
are incidental and could have been replaced by any two joes who are in the
know regarding faces on windows can be overlooked.  It is quality

Mondas Passing - as am I - onto

There are Fairies at the Bottom of the Garden.  Do you think if enough
people stopped believing in them they would all die, along with these
fourteen (I worked this out using the aforementioned method and double
checked it with the contents page) pages of pure first pressing
extra-Virgin tedium?  Probably not.

And I must mention to Matthew one day that I have an allergy to Rolling
Stones songs too, although I will sniffle through it with good cheer
because his story is one of the better reads.  More about obsession than
freedom actually, but hey who gives a damn when Matthew gives us a pier
where a lesser author would give us a corridor.

Parliament of Rats.  Good salty atmosphere alone will not suffice. You
want to keep 'em reading you don't take 'em for cretins that eat their
salt off a teaspoon.  No, they sprinkle it on their chips - *after* the
vinegar mark you or else the salt'll wash off - but you wouldn't think it
from reading this.  All we've got is the spoon and the salt-mill, so
without further ado

Rights - and a bit of politics as Ben Elton would say in erstwhile days
before he got Ronnie Corbett shit on his shoe.  Should a multipedess have
the right to do what she likes with her body?  Well - you just sit up on
that fence for as long as you like Gricey boy - must feel *good* that -
and tell us some "leg"  jokes while you're there.  Cor I bet aliens with
lots of legs would have really funny dances ha ha ha snort snort but 'ere
what about when they do up their shoelaces cackle cackle guffaw.

Actually, I'm *glad* you're here.  Really am.  You've given me a *proper*
laugh Guy and you've done it with the portly number six as well.  Got a
bit of a raw deal did number six - "Who is number one?" "You are number
six" "Number six?  *Number six??* NUMBER SIX???!!"  - but you've done him
proper this time.  Blackly comedic ending too and at no extra cost.

Now Cardinal "Roger" Rule has clearly stated that he who writes of the
SlyDoc should never refer to his spoon-playing faculty.  But you've done
that and more - you've only gone and demonstrated it!  Now there's people
out there, not many but *some* who've only seen Time and the Rani and
they've sort of made up their minds but they'll give it another go so they
read Ace of Hearts and that's that then.  No Fenric for them, and it's all
your fault Perry Tucker.


Now what really gets my goat is Gavin Gunter the local goat-getter but
what metaphorically gets my goat is people that write a short story then
get all high and mighty and give it separate chapters and headings like
it's a novel in miniature.

Chapter One

Were you set this as an exercise in school Paul?  You know, one of those
English classes where you have to say how things got like they are?  It
certainly seems that way.  "Can I do Stonehenge Miss Wilson?"  "Yes, of
course you can Paul."

Chapter Two

You may be idiotic Miss Jones but I never for once would have guessed that
you would provide our pagan forbears with aerosol sprays.  Think they'd
use them to arouse the superstition of their enemy?  Of course they wont -
they'll just spray each other in the eyes.  Any child could have told you


Well done Paul, if you would copy that onto A4 paper I'll display it in
the corridor.  Only cut it down to five pages first.

So there we have it.  The book has been read and I changed momentarily
about half way through it but I am now back to the man I was before. Yeah,
I'll read this on the train, Mr. Cole, but you can pay for the ticket. And
stand me a bacon sandwich from the buffet carriage while you're at it.

Arthur Banana (> 9/10/98


Andrew O'Day (> wrote:
>>How was he shrunk as a result of his experiments?

Slakester  (> wrote:
>I think he might have been playing with his Tissue Compression Eliminator
>the time. the old explanation of "I was cleaning it and it went off"
>to mind.

"Good morning, Dr Haymet's office, how may I help you?"

"Urgh. Ow. Argh."

"I'm sorry sir, you'll have to be a bit more coherent than that. What
exactly is the problem."

"It's... I've... I've shrunk myself."

"Oh, I see. I'm afraid we don't have a box to tick on the form for that.
I'll put you down under 'other' shall I? Now, you'd better tell me
precisely how it happened."

"I - I was using my Tissue Compression Elimator around the house..."

"Could you be a bit more specific?"

"Urgh. Yes, it's a long slender thing with a knob on the end that shrinks
people I don't like."

"I see. And what were the circumstances that caused you to have the

"Well, I just happened to be naked and one thing led to another and I
slipped in the kitchen. Honest. I'm telling you, it was a billion to one

Robert Smith? (> 10/10/98


[Subject: Re: Doctor Who Collectable Trading Card Game]

South Sea Blue wrote:
>I have got a promo box of these comprising - 12 packs. They have been
>opened (I was curious) but not used apart from 3 cards out of one of the
>packs which were exhibits to an affidavit and are therefore missing.
>Unless you want to try to get them back from the Court :)

This post was brought to you by CEFOSIS; Creative Excuses For Owning
Something Incredibly Sad. We have lots more, including;

* When I bought that Sonic Screwdriver for my girlfriend, I thought it
was *something else*.

* I go to conventions because my sad "Doctor Who" mates say the totty is
dead good; I am registered blind and so have to take their word for

* I have a scarf which superficially resembles that worn by Tom Baker as
TV's "Doctor Who" because I support Manchester United and can't afford a
new coloured scarf each year.

* I know the word 'telebiogenesis' because my girlfriend always shouts
it out at the moment of orgasm.

Please ring for a full catalogue.

Rob Stradling (> 11/10/98


Simon Simmons wrote:
>All of which is irrelevant as all involved in DiT supported it on
>the condition that it would never be released on video.

...thus proving themselves more foresighted than many of us had
previously believed. :)

Paul Andinach (> 11/10/98


Christopher A Lavagnino wrote:
>Okay, with Halloween just around the corner, I'm finding it difficut to
>figure out a costume. Does anyone have any suggestions for a Dr Who
>themed costume that, for all intents and purposes, would be "affordable"
>to come up with?

>I'm thinking that I could get away with half of the alien races from the
>series, especially during the late Pertwee / early Baker seasons.

Stick four brillo pads to your chin, get three autistic children to crayon
all over your tee-shirt.



Paul Ebbs (> 11/10/98


[Subject: Re: THE ANUS CONJUNCTION... spoilers!!! ]

The twin orbs Left Cheek and Right Cheek lie on either side of a
gigantic anal passage.  But while the Left Cheek gets an attractive
tan in the light of a rip in the pants seat, the Right Cheek endures
everlasting night except when a quick moon causes an incredible

When the Doctor and Sam arrive on the Right Cheek, they find
themselves in the middle of a war between rival threadworms colonising
these buttocks.  The arse is bristly with pubic hairs and the Left
Cheekers are using a mysterious anal probe left behind by
proctologically obsessed aliens from a Whitley Strieber novel.  What
is its true purpose?  DO WE WANT TO KNOW?

The Doctor and Sam must probe for the source of a centuries-old
blockage.  How can a little constipation make the lower intestine
weigh billions of tons more than it should?  As the instestinal gases
escalate around them, will the time-travellers survive to learn the

This is another in the series of original adventures featuring the
eighth Doctor and an annoying pain in the arse.

Kafenken (> 11/10/98


Mark Phippen (> wrote:
>And the tie breaker: Which old enemy would you like the see the Eighth
>Doctor up against, and what sort of adventure would it be? Extra
>points for humour and imagination.

I'd like to have him face the Toymaker, who could involve him in the
plot of the unmade third Cushing movie, where the artificial Doctor
Who (created by the Daleks) hunts the Doctor on the planet Mechanus!
The book: "Reality Check".
Some excerpts:
Things were starting to become clear. The Doctor was a Time Lord, had
stolen a TARDIS, and had travelled with his granddaughter Susan, who
left him to marry David Campbell in 2164. Doctor Who was human, had
built TARDIS himself, and was travelling with his granddaughter Susan,
who barely knew David in 2150.
        And worst of all, their lives were now overlapping.
        "You _can't_ be me," the Doctor protested.
        "How do you know, laddie?" asked Doctor Who. "Is it my
        "No, no, no," the Doctor returned. "I absolutely never use
that brand of boot-polish."
The Doctor leaped forward to protect Doctor Who, levelling his
umbrella like a fencing sword. "Come forth and do battle!" he shouted
ridiculously. "I am the Keeper of the Legacy of Rassilon, and a good
swordsman to boot!"
        "Doctor," said Sam hesitantly, "where did that silly umbrella
come from?"
        The Doctor blinked. "Oh dear. This universe has continuity
        "You are Major Steven Kingdom?" asked the Toymaker.
        "You appeared as...let me see...'Morton Dill' earlier in the
        "Yes. For a total of twelve seconds."
        "Do you know what is about to happen to you?"
        "I am to be the prisoner of the Mechonoids. Susan will find me
presently, and we will wait for Doctor Who to save us. Then Doctor Who
will repair my spaceship so I can return to Earth. When I make it
home, I will be Cliff's best man at his and Vicky's wedding."
        The Toymaker smiled evilly. "Wrong. Due to time
constraints...we only have seventy-three minutes, you know...Major
Steven Kingdom will not be appearing at all. Instead, we shall have a
rushed ending with loads of explosions and a fine mist of CO2
everywhere. We shall also insert a comedic final scene involving
Cliff, Doctor Who's male companion. Following this, we shall have a
truly 'fab' ending credits sequence, an instrumental theme tune...not
unlike that of "The Jetsons"...and background special effects
featuring the insides of a washing machine with food coloring added to
the water." The Toymaker paused, took a breath, and continued. "Do you
know where this leaves you?"
        Steven was puzzled. "I'm not quite sure...."
        "Nowhere," the Toymaker confirmed. He pressed a small button
on his desk, instantly vaporizing Major Steven Kingdom into a heap of
The Doctor stopped to lean against a tree and catch his breath. "I'm
the Doctor," he said, extending his arm. "Who are you?"
        "Susan," said the girl shaking his hand. "My grandfather would
like to meet you. He's a doctor, too."
        In usual circumstances, the Doctor would have been astounded
at this remarkable coincidence. As it was, he could only make terrible
faces and raspy noises, because the Fungoid he had been leaning on was
hungry. It had wrapped all its tendrils around his body, and was
currently in the process of enveloping the tall man within its mass of

Sarah Hadley 12/10/98


[Re: A porn story by John Long involving the UNIT 'family']

Rob White (> wrote:
>What's even sadder, is that this is a blatant rip off of another porn
>doing the rounds ( I know, several of my bored mates have sent it to me)
>original features the cast of Sesame Street, which is something that just
>doesn't bear thinking about... Only the names have been changed.

The plumage, the large beak, the arrogant attitude....
It all makes sense.
Pertwee *is* Big Bird!

Allen Robinson (> 14/10/98


[Re: Suggestions for future editions of Charles Daniels' Programme Guide

Dangermouse writes:
>> I'd suggest that be followed by The Feckless Ones...

Finn Clark (> wrote:
>The Fuckless Ones?

The Tasteless Puns?

Daniel Frankham (> 14/10/98


Dangermouse wrote:
>> "Try some terrorism for hire; we'll blow shit up... It's more fun!"

Si Jerram wrote:
> Trying to get MI5 and the CIA to read your every message?

Don't be silly!  They don't have that kind of manpower...

Finn Clark (> 15/10/98


There are, as you say, an almost infinite number of rooms in the
TARDIS. However, a careful breakdown of rooms by type indicates that
TARDIS space is allocated as follows:

Corridors:                    62%
Shoe cupboards:               16%
Baths:                         8%
Console rooms:                 2%
Libraries:                     1%
Storage:                       6%
Trampolines                    2%
The planet Dezax               7% *
Fairground rides               1%    (yes, I'm well aware this is over
Butterfly rooms etc            1%     100% - we're talking about a
Stairs                         5%     transcendental time machine
Special rooms                0.5%     which crashes through the
Miscellaneous                  3%     barriers of reality, for
                                      heaven's sake!)

With all of this, there is in fact only one bedroom, which is used by
the Doctor and all his companions. Since this is a family show, the
Doctor has used the temporal abilities of the TARDIS to allocate each
companion their own segment of the room's timeline. (Adric, and then
Turlough's "room" is the period just after lunch).

One interesting and little-known fact is that every time the Doctor
reconfigures the interior of the TARDIS, more space is assigned to
corridors and shoe cupboards.  No-one knows for certain whether the
TARDIS itself or the Doctor is responsible for this.

*deposited thence 4 billion years ago and now long forgotten and
supporting a sentient population of 35 billion (most of whom have
their own bedrooms)

Danny Gooley (> 15/10/98


Bill K. wrote:
>>Blackadders 2, 3, and 4 are essentially the same character and
>>what I was referring to.  Blackadder 1 was more of a bumbling

Mariane Desautels (> wrote:
>Doctor 2?

CIA Field Report #BE45789: As of Galactic Standard Date 101698, the
"bumbling idiot" cover for The Doctor's second persona continues to
work brilliantly.  Even the most perceptive of these humans seem to be
taken in. I would strongly suggest using this idea again, though we
might wish to wait until after the tribunal makes its decision about
his punishment. If he *is* exiled to Earth it may not be advisable as
an ongoing disguise. Or, and this is just a thought, maybe we should
skip it altogether for his next regeneration and just do it with
even-numbered Doctors. Let me know what you think.

(Signed) @~%^*?

Allen Robinson (> 16/10/98


Mallingane wrote:
>Yes! Although I can't think of any concrete examples, I seem to recall
>that Pip and Jane 'Nobel Prize for Cobblers' Baker seemed particularly
>bad at science. Maybe, like Jo, they didn't actually pass science at

Perhaps there should be a Lebon Prize as a sort of un-Nobel: e.g.,
the Lebon Prize for Peace could be awarded to President Milosevic,
etc., and the Lebon Prize for Chemistry to the makers of pot
noodles, the Lebon Prize for Literature to Pip and Jane Baker, ...

Graham Nelson (> 16/10/98


[Subject: Re: Top 10 Doctor Who Spinoff Movies]

Peter Anghelides wrote:
>When Barry met Terry:
>It's the seventies. In a series of flashbacks centered
>around the script conference for Genesis of the Daleks,
>producer Barry Letts reveals how the BBC appears to have
>bought the same Dalek story from Terry Nation over and
>over again. The producer tried a fling with another
>writer (cameo appearance by Louis Marks), but soon
>went back to his old flame.

Whoops. Forgot to mention the "BBC Canteen" scene, where
Terry finally convinces Barry that he was able to deliver
a script exactly the same as the last one without Barry
having previously noticed, and Roger Hancock's reaction
on having made the sale: "yes! yes! YES!" The Production
Unit Manager on the next table, currently working on
All Creatures Great and Small, says: "I'd like to work
on whatever he's working on."

Peter Anghelides (> 17/10/98


[Subject: Re: The Pit (was Re: The Scarlet Empress)]

David Golding (> wrote:
>>Fuck off, Becker.

Dave Becker (> wrote:
>Of course, you are completely right. What was I thinking? I should have
>my mouth shut and just *assumed* that he meant what I thought he meant,
>rather than asking him directly so that he could clarify or correct it.

>You are so wise.

>I hope that you write a book so I can defend it.

Of all the ancient Chinese curses I've heard, that one's got to be the

Nick Caldwell (> 24/10/98


[Subject : Re: Lines In Doctor Who Novels To Avoid]

Having some sense of taste I have isolated a few lines,
sentences, or passages I would never place in a submission
to the BBC.
I just thought I would share some of them with you...

"But Doctor!" Screamed Peri "Last time you took me over the console
 we took off accidentally and landed on Skaro!" Whined Peri.
"This my my ship my young voluptuous girl, bend over or I'll take
 you to Fiesta 95, land of terror!" Insisted the man in the bad
 multi-coloured coat.

Doctor Who smiled as he helped the Tellytubbies do their Tubbydance
in Tubbyland, but that was before the Master showed up with the
submachine gun which would forever taint the tubbyverse with pools
of wretched tubbyblood.

"Wicked!" Exclaimed Ace.

Romana looked at the home pregnancy test of Rassilon and wondered
if she could really be carrying the Doctor's child whom she'd
last seen when he set forth to leave e-space.  She had always
liked and trusted the Doctor but it always seemed to her as
if he had some otherly worldly presence about him.

"Oh my m'dear boy, that isn't the lever to open the doors, that's
 my knob!!"  Ejaculated the old Doctor vigorously.

The young-old blonde man in the cricket gear coughed, cleared
his throat, stared into the blazing intense eyes of his red
headed young masculine friend and was heard to say "Turlough...
have you ever done it..with, you know, a bloke?"

"Ah!  What did I tell you Sarah, Betegulese IV!"  Announced the
 scarved avenger.
"That looks a lot like Swindon to me Doctor."
"Oh..bugger me, you're right."

Mike Yates was on patrol.  Patrol was a manly man's manly duty.
Anything could happen on patrol.  All of Mike's senses had to
be keen and focused completely and totally on the task at hand.
Still Mike couldn't get his eye of Sargeant Benton.  Such a
common man's man was benton.  He could go down to the pub,
get him piss drunk, bring him back to the barracks and slowly
remove his..NO!  NO!  He was on patrol.  He was a manly man.
Sighing he considered the strange attire and demeanor of the
Master.   Mike had never been into BDSM, but if it came to
that, he was game.

"Aye, Doctor, 'ight 'hat 'e a 'onster?"
"Oh yes Jamie, It is a Big One"

The hovercraft stopped in the middle of the Gobi desert.  The driver
Shivani Adams was shocked to see anyone this deep in the Chinese
forbidden zone but was even more surprised when the strange little
man stepped forth and asked  "Excuse me do you happen to know that you are
the great great great grandson of Douglas Adams?"
"Eh?  What are you talking about?  Do you want a lift out of here or
 what?  Don't you know you can die out here without assistance?"
The Doctor's eyes narrowed cryptically as he said with deep seriousness
"I have no need to worry, I am the greatest hitchhiker in the galaxy!"

The Doctor operated his hypothermal oscillating ornithopter.
They said it would never fly but with his trusty sonic screwdriver
he had reversed the neutron flow of the undercurrent overdrive.
Now it was simply a case of figuring out which evil genius
could be behind these heinous deeds.  All the evidence pointed
to the Master as it did every Saturday evening about this time
but he wasn't so sure.

Ian knew something was definitely strange about this Susan girl.
He couldn't put his finger on it.  Was she a genius or an idiot?
Was she a star pupil or a class clown?  Was she a sweet mixed up
kid or an evil vile devil girl out to ruin his life?  Whatever
she was she was simply too damn sexy in those nude polariods
she'd slipped in with her report on sulphuric acid.  It would
be such a pity to have to burn them but he couldn't keep the
evidence around.

Screamed Mel.

Jo Grant wasn't sure about this.  It was the planet of the Daleks
of course and the Doctor always said she should respect the customs
of other civilizations.  Somehow it just didn't seem consistent
for the Daleks to have the custom of being photographed with
nude young ladies, but if it would help bring galactic peace,
what else could she do?

"Silly, silly, silly!  This whole thing started off good
but now it's gone all silly." Complained the Brigadier abruptly.

Charles Daniels (> 26/10/98


Graham Nealon (> wrote:
>>>Doesn't their frequency violate the group charter?  Marcus?

Dangermouse (> wrote:
>>The group has a charter?

Jonathan Blum (> wrote:
>The UK group does (hence the invocation of Marcus), a.dw.c does, but
>r.a.dw?  Nope.  But even if it did violate the charter, there's bloody
>little anyone could do about it...

Hmmm must of got them mixed up although since it was an almost Pavlovian
response in querying Marcus perhaps I've been here waaaaaay too long.
Just thinking that 'The Invocation of Marcus' sounds as if it could make
a good film.


On the first day there was excessive advertising.
On the second there was off-topic spam.
On the third day there was a binary.

There was no-one to stop them.  Until the man and his dufflecoat were
called from beyond and the legend would live again.

[ scenes of postmasters leaping from their beds to terminate accounts ]

[ a man covertly looking over shoulder as he enters the Bates Motel ]

[ a wide shot of Bournemouth overlooked by a man with a camera ]

A hero for the modern age.

When a world trembles on the edge.
When a dirty job has to be done.
There is only one man to save us all.



Graham Nealon (> 27/10/98


A Hells Angel gets killed and goes to hell.  He'd been a bad man all
his life and it was fully expected.  So the first day he's there he
meets Satan, among the heat and the flames (hells main torture), and
Satan asks him "Hot enough for you", the Hells Angel replies "Yes, I
love the heat, it reminds me of rising throught the desert, on my
bike, on a hot day, with no helmet, feeling the sun on my face".  So
Satan isn't very happy about this, and turns up the heat.  The next
day Satan and the Hells Angel meet again and it's even hotter and the
flames are leaping even higher, and Satan asks "Hot enough for you ?",
and the Hells Angel replies, "Oh, yes I like this more, the hotter the
better.  It reminds me of when I worked in the bakery, and the heat
from the ovens burned my face.  I love the heat".  So Satan thinks
again, and realises that hotter is not better and turns all the
heating off.  Hell is now all snow and ice.  So the next day Satan
skates up to the Hells Angel and the Hells Angel says to him "Have
they made a new series of Doctor Who then ?"

David J. A. Lewis (> 28/10/98


Peter Anghelides (> wrote:

>Terry wrote:
>>What exactly is a Dalek Tin?

> PS: please, someone, give this nice young man Terry a
>     proper answer.

There are many young men called Terry who deserve a proper answer.

So many, in fact, that they constitute a Terry Nation.

Nick Smale (> 28/10/98


Ian Mond quoted the great John Peel:

>"Right on cue, the door to the other room opened.
>Standing in the doorway was a young man in his
>late twenties, obviously very human.
>He had blond hair, expertly trimmed . . . "

I don't have a problem with the blond hair, but the "expertly trimmed" bit
does give me pause for thought.  Steven is a spaceship fighter pilot who
for years has been a prisoner of the Mechanoids.  The TARDIS crew are the
first people he's seen in all that time.  He's got a nasty stubbly beard.
Why the fuck is his hair expertly trimmed?  Was he expecting company?

Even more amazingly, who trimmed it?  Was Steven a hairdresser before
switching to being a space pilot, or do the Mechanoids come round every
week with a qualified barber to give him a wash and brush-up?

Finn Clark (> 28/10/98


Urbilical (> wrote:
>Pertwee was my favorite Doctor.  What was the name of the book he wrote?

"Who on Earth is Tom Baker?"

John Pettigrew (> 29/10/98


[Subject: Trolls I've seen lately: Tom Baker Update ! ! !]

In brief: Quite good, but flawed. It satisfies all the technical
criteria of a good troll, with just the right amount of nonsense
thrown in. Sadly, however, there are a number of factors that hold it
back from being as brilliant a troll as it might have been. A shame.

Spoilers follow.

"Tom Baker Update ! ! !" starts off quite well. The subject is
intriguing and shows just enough knowledge of the subject to sucker in
as many people as possible. If I were awarding points on the subject
title alone, "Tom Baker Update ! ! !" would score 10/10.

Unfortunately, the subject line really is the high point and it all
starts to go downhill a bit from there. While the fake email address
is workmanlike enough, it really lacks that special charm of a good
troll, using the subject matter to create a cleverly forged address:

In article (>,
Anonymous  (> wrote:

I'm also a bit disappointed to see that the word "anonymous" is
spelled correctly. I'm afraid that if the author of "Tom Baker
Update ! ! !" wants to be taken seriously as a troller, he is going to
have to pay more attention to these sorts of details in the future.

However, the worst is yet to come:

> Dr. Who sucks!!!

As an opening line, this really doesn't cut it. While I thought the
troll was above average, this was the definite low point for me.
There's nothing quite like subtlety in a good troll to really bring
out the power of it, but everything seems to be lost here as the
author goes for the front-on assault instead. Disappointing.

> It is the cheesiest, most boring, piece of trash in the
> history of science fiction.  It is a VERY inconsistent series with
> silly plots and characters.

Things don't improve much in the rest of the first paragraph. There's
a bright bit with the first use of capitalisation (more on this
later), but otherwise there is consistent spelling and correct use of
commas. I can only wonder what the author was thinking when he wrote
this. However, I do like the appeal to the intellect, showing that
"Tom Baker Update ! ! !" is at least trying to aim for something more,
even if it doesn't always succeed. I like that in a troll. I'm also
quite impressed by the sneaky way in which the blatant Americanism
"trash" is worked into the first paragraph. That's a really nice piece
of work and I applaud the effort.

> And listening to you dweebs debate silly bullsh*t about a
> series that has been GONE for almost a decade is a real hoot.

Sadly, the success doesn't last. There's another use of
capitalisation, which works admirably, as well as a subtle display of
more knowledge of the series than most random trollers, but on the
downside there's the two very tame insults. "dweebs" doesn't really
work for me as an insult, but it may just be a reference to a certain
British Magazine not published by Marvel. I'll be charitable and
assume that it is. Unfortunately, any effect of the first paragraph is
rather undercut by the asterisk in "bullsh*t". Once again, the author
demonstrates his enthusiasm for the art of trolling, but fails to
grasp a number of simple, but essential points.

> GUESS WHAT???  Dr. Who is NOT real!!!!   It was a stupid show from
> long ago with marginal scripts, budgets, and actors.  And shame on
> you for liking it.

The second paragraph is where things start to improve. The first hints
are here that "Tom Baker Update ! ! !" has been structured in four
parts, just like a typical Doctor Who story, so it's appropriate that
part 2 should be a rehash of part 1. The slow but steady increase in
capitalised words gives paragraph two the effect it needs and the
liberal use of both question marks and exclamation marks could have
come straight from the Writers Guide to Effective Trolling. There's
still a tendency towards consistent spelling and (as in the first
line) there's the impulse to write "Dr." (complete with the American
period!). I'm still undecided as to whether this is an attempt to
imitate a random troller or to deliberately wind up Doctor Who
purists. I'd probably tend toward the latter, so extra marks for that.


Just like a good Doctor Who story, part 3 is complete nonsense. I
really have to step back and admire the author's vision and audacity
at this point. The lapse into all caps is brilliant, not least because
of the gentle but effective lead-in we've experienced up to this
point. The reference to Brits isn't bad, but sadly the insult renders
itself rather redundant once it reaches the word "COMMUNIST". I have
to wonder if this bit was written in a hurry, because it certainly
doesn't seem to have been thought through particularly well. There are
echoes of an attempt to imitate Azaxyr, so I presume this is an
in-joke for trollers everywhere. I don't mind seeing the occasional
reference within these trolls, so long as it doesn't get out of hand.

> And if you don't like my opinions, then you can go F--k yourself ! ! !

And like all Doctor Who stories, part 4 seems to completely fall
apart. Unfortunately, in this case I don't think it was intentional on
the part of the author. The repeated use of the exclamation marks,
complete with spacing, harkens back well to the subject line, but the
reticence used on the word "F--k" sadly reduces the overall
effectiveness of "Tom Baker Update ! ! !" A shame.

> - Billy T.

The epilogue is a little confusing. There's no obvious reference to
great trollers of the past or to the show itself. Looking at this in
the context of the anonymous email address, it's rather obvious that
the author simply forgot the first rule of trolling and instead
accidentally left his own name on the post. I'm very disappointed by
this, because it takes away so much of the power of an otherwise
competent troll. I'm not sure who to blame for this. Certainly the
author has to share some of the blame, but I can't help feeling that
if these trolls were better edited we might have a much higher
standard. It's frustrating to see a competent troll like this when we
could have had a brilliant one with only a few changes and a firm
editorial hand.

In summary, I'm somewhat impressed by "Tom Baker Update ! ! !" but I'm
a little disappointed as well. It has a number of key elements right
and uses capitalisation and structure to great effect, but sadly it
also makes a number of quite elementary mistakes in the art of good
trolling. Unfortunately, this means I am unable to recommend "Tom
Baker Update ! ! !" as a model for other trollers to aspire to and
instead advise that the author take a few trolling lessons before
trying again.

Robert Smith? (> 30/10/98


Jon Blum (> wrote:
>>but we do have other evidence that the policy on Dalek use is
>>changing.  (Most notably, the infamous "Gay Daleks" sketches
>>making it to the air, when I have no doubt that Terry would
>>have vetoed it as disrespectful to the Daleks' reputation.)

William December Starr wrote:
>Jon, I know you meant that seriously, and I know that it
>even makes sense in context, but dear gods, the idea of a
>proposal being rejected because it would be "disrespectful
>to the Daleks' reputation..." is to *seriously* giggle. :-)

 Dear Ms Lambert,

 With regards to your letter of September 18, concerning the
 possible use of the Daleks in your television programme. I have
 perused the script, and while it was certainly an interesting
 piece of fiction (if a little far-fetched), I regret that I am
 unable at this time to grant you permission to use the Daleks. I
 fear that their portrayal as antagonistic, indeed genocidal,
 Nazi-like evil aliens might tend to damage my clients' reputation.

 Yours regretfully,


Daniel Frankham (> 31/10/98


Tim Roll-Pickering wrote:
>>Can anyone post that online here? At the moment, the record appears to
>>be 8 for Serial B (The Mutants/The Survivors/Beyond the Sun/The Dead
>>Planet/The Daleks/The first Dalek story/The first Dalek serial/Doctor
>>Who in an Exciting [!] Adventure with the Daleks)!

Graham Nelson wrote:
>Dr Who And The Tribe Of Gum
>The Paleolithic Age
>Dr Who & the Tribe of Gum
>Dr Who & 100,000 BC
>Dr Who and 10,000 BC
>Dr Who in the Stone Age
>Unborn Child
>An Unearthly Child

Unborn Child? So perhaps the idea of the Looms wasn't as recent as
some of us thought...

Or was Susan originally intended to be a fetus? The Doctor would've
been pregnant throughout the first season, and whenever a monster
would appear Barbara would hold a stethoscope against his belly and
hear a scream.


"Ian, I'm terribly worried about that girl Susan."

"You mean, the way she seems to know far too much about a few esoteric
subjects, but hardly anything about everyday life?"

"Well, yes, there's that. And she also looks like a prawn."

Daniel Frankham (> 31/10/98


[Re: Killfiles]

>>>And for you Mac users, just go to the Filters menu and click "Kill this

Mark Phippen (> wrote:
>>Wow, that's a handy little device. Be careful how you use it.

Gary Jerram (> wrote:
>But on the plus side it does mean no more John Peel books :)

(Chas, pausing his mouse over the mighty "Kill This Author" button.>

Heather: What are you waiting for?

Chas: Do I have the right?

Heather: To eradicate John Peel?! You can't doubt it!

Chas: But I do! Some things will be better because of Peel ... authors who
would otherwise slag each other off mercilessly will band together to
fight his convoluted retcons ... others will struggle heroically to
overcome his monopoly of Dalek continuity. Suppose somebody pointed out a
child in school and told you that that child would grow up to be John Peel
... could you then destroy that child?

Heather: Well, after LEGACY ... er, I mean, look Chas this isn't a child
we're talking about, it's Peel! The Ken Starr of wishful-thinking
continuity! You must complete your mission! You MUST!

Chas: I simply have to select THIS menu item and generations of RADWers
can live without debate, without fear, never having heard the word

Heather: Then do it! If it were a horrible bacteria like Azaxyr you
wouldn't hesitate then now would you?

Chas: But if I wipe out an INTELLIGENT life-form (as opposed to Azzy),
I'll be guilty of retconning Peel myself. (oh, the irony!)

(just then, Ghar(Or)man wanders in and casually mentions that
radw.moderated has been approved>

Chas: Ghar(Or)man, I'm more grateful than you'll ever know. :)

Charles Martin (> 31/10/98


 - Robert Smith?

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