The infamous TOP TEN Lists

by E. Larry Lidz

THE TOP TEN SIGNS YOU HAVE BEEN WATCHING TOO MANY BAD DR. WHO EPISODES:

10. Whenever anyone yells at you, you reply by saying "My name is and I can yell just as loud as you!" 9. You noticed that some of the incidental music in "Time & The Rani" was a variation on the main theme -- And liked it! 8. You have come to the realization that the best stories are the ones that take place entirely in the TARDIS. 7. Noticed that the American accents were better in "Time & the Rani" than in "The Gunfighter." 6. Favorite Character: Soldeed. 5. Think the Special Effects were great -- in "Invasion of the Dinosaurs." 4. Wrote a letter to the BBC asking for more East Enders cross-overs. 3. Have the "Ballad of the Last Chance Saloon" memorized. 2. Episodes where author uses Pen Name are the best! 1. Three Words: Doctor Who? Exactly!
TOP TEN NAMES FOR THE NEXT DALEK EPISODE: 10. Recognition of the Daleks 9. Respect of the Daleks 8. Rash of the Daleks 7. Dances with Daleks 6. The Daleks (Oops, that from the Top Ten Names for the FIRST Dalek Episode) 5. Dentist of the Daleks 4. Daleks of the Daleks 3. Rorschach Test of the Daleks 2. Slug Fest I: Daleks vs. Cybermen (U.S. Production of Who) 1. Restaurant of the Daleks
TOP TEN THINGS THAT THE TIME LORDS STILL CAN'T DO: 10. Come up with cool "Top Ten" Lists 9. Have an interesting conversation 8. Give the good guys more regenerations 7. Stop the Top Ten Dalek Story Titles thread 6. Get the Doctor to be the President of the High Council 5. Employ guards who can pull off a simple palace revolt 4. Get the BBC to make more episodes of... nah... 3. Apologize to Omega 2. Name things in methods other than "The X of Rassilon" 1. Stop Soldeed from saying "Looorrrdd Niiiimmoooon, 'tis I, Soooolldeeeeeeed"
TOP TEN THINGS OVERHEARD IN AMERICAN HOUSEHOLDS AFTER THE FIRST NEW EPISODE: 10. "What a rip-off of Bill & Ted's!" 9. "Cybermen? They're just like the Borg!" 8. "Wow, the Special Effects!" 7. "Why does everyone in the universe speak English with a British accent?" 6. "Why didn't they start with his First regeneration?" 5. "The Doctor? What a stupid name!" 4. "ZZZZZZZzzzzzzzzzzzzzz....." 3. "Hey, Maud, did you feed the cat?" 2. "'EXTERMINATE, EXTERMINATE'... Yeah, real intelligent..." 1. "I thought the Doctor was some guy with big curly hair and a long scarf."
TOP TEN LITTLE KNOWN FACTS ABOUT THE CYBERMEN: 10. Have strange cravings for Doughnuts 9. The Doctor was Cyber Controller sometime between his sixth and seventh incarnations. 8. Gold makes them all warm inside 7. Were the secret force behind the Dalek Invasion Earth 6. CyberFashions change rapidly. (Sorry, that's from the TOP TEN KNOWN FACTS ABOUT THE CYBERMEN) 5. Entire Cyber Race can reform after being destroyed... In six seconds. 4. Cybermen, Cyberspace -- Coincidence? 3. Mondas was originally the ELEVENTH planet 2. Originally said "Neat-O!" instead of "Excellent!" 1. Cybermats are more than just their friends.
TOP TEN REJECTED WAYS CHRIS BIDMEAD WANTED TO GET RID OF K9: 10. Having him wash the ENTIRE TARDIS, outside and inside 9. Protecting Someone -- Anyone, just as long as it is off screen 8. Getting the Doctor out of a Jail -- 500 times in on Episode (Attempt to show how K9 ruins episodes) 7. Two Words: Acid Bath 6. Testing Subject for new high-powered Laser 5. Deep Sea diving, with a lead ball around his neck 4. Destroying the Doctor's Sonic Screwdriver (and facing his wrath) 3. Holding off an entire Sontaran Battle Fleet, alone 2. Spare parts for the TARDIS 1. Sharpening Stone for Leela's knife
TOP TEN COOL THINGS ABOUT THE NEW FAQ: 10. Subliminal messages in support Amblin Entertainment 9. Doubles as the FAQ for sci.cryonics 8. Has the entire script to every episode in it 7. Due to sheer size, it quadruples the average number of posts per day 6. Instructions on creating one's own working TARDIS 5. Better Special Effects than Doctor Who, itself 4. Free Ice Cream to every 1000th reader 3. Includes John Nathan-Turner's home phone number for countless hours of FUN! 2. Sponsored, in part, by the High Council of Gallifrey 1. Not written by me
TOP TEN CONTROLS ON THE TARDIS CONSOLE: 10. Level to manually raise and lower main column for manual time travel 9. Temporal Destablizer (for the cool ship-shaking effects) 8. Lots of String -- To find one's way back to the control room. 7. Self-Destruct Mechanism (Amblin Who only) 6. The "C" key... 5. Neutron Flow Polarity Switch 4. Scientific Calculator 3. Script Prompter 2. On/Off Switch 1. Sonic Hammer
TOP TEN STUPID QUESTIONS TO ASK THE DOCTOR: 10. "Who are you?" 9. "How is it larger on the inside than the out?" 8. "Excuse me sir, do you have the time?" 7. "But how do you plan on dealing with Bond?" (Oh, sorry, that's one of the Top Ten Stupid Questions to ask 'Doctor No') 6. "Why are you afraid of Daleks? It's not like they can go up steps!" 5. "Can you take me back to my own planet?" 4. "Can I travel with you?" 3. "Mind if I borrow your TARDIS for a day?" 2. "What's you're REAL name, Doctor?" 1. "Is that a question mark in your pocket, or are you just glad to see me?"
TOP TEN PROBLEMS WITH "THE TOMB OF THE CYBERMEN": 10. The word "Excellent" not spoken by the CyberController. 9. The REAL story still missing. 8. Later stories lacked the cool Cybermen voices. 7. The narrator's voice was barely audible. 6. True identity of the rocket saboter never revealed. 5. Cybermen did not play the Doctor's recorder. 4. The Special Effects were better than most 7th Doctor episodes. 3. The meglomaniacs were just a little TOO stupid. 2. He left the bride at the alter. (Sorry, that's a problem with the groom of the cybermen.) 1. The archaeologists did not carry cool bullwhips like "Indiana Jones."
TOP TEN NEW DOCTOR WHO CDS: 10. "Doctor Who: The Early Years: 60 minutes of silence" 9. "The Best of Doctor Who, Volume III: Delta And the Bannermen" 8. "The Doctor's Dual Heart Beat" 7. "Dalek Cries: Exterminate and other fine tunes" 6. "Power Of The Daleks" (Currently lost) 5. "I Want to Spend my Christmas with a Dalek & other Dr. Who Christmas songs" 4. "Rec.arts.drwho: The Soundtrack" 3. "The TARDIS Door Control & other sounds" 2. "The Annoying Feedback Hum of the TARDIS" 1. Two-words: "Bonnie Langford"
TOP TEN DR. WHO PRACTICAL JOKES: 10. Sneaking up behind someone and yelling "EXTERMINATE!" 9. Materializing your TARDIS in the shape of a giant whoopie cushion. 8. Answering every question with "Excellent" 7. Wearing a scarf that is just a bit too long. 6. Telling people that lost episodes were found. 5. Burning people who falsely report lost episodes being found. 4. Using up all of the TARDISs computer time to play games. 3. "Emptying" your pockets. 2. Whenever talking to the Doctor, saying his name with a southern [US] drawl. 1. Posting stupid Top Ten list four days late!
TOP TEN NEW PBS DR. WHO FUNDRAISING GIFTS: 10. Disappearing Adric mug 9. Original Doctor Who reals (they don't need them when the drop the show) 8. A full sized replica of the outside of the TARDIS (when the chameleon circuit is working, and it is in the shape of a peace of paper) 7. Autographs, autographs, autographs! 6. Cyberman costume -- for life! 5. A copy of "I want to spend my Christmas with a Dalek" 4. Some book about Vivaldi 3. A free cardboard box (times are hard) 2. Dinner with the third extra on the right in the last scene of "City of Death" 1. K9
TOP TEN THINGS YOU HOPED YOU'D NEVER HEAR THE DOCTOR SAY: 10. "Alright, I'm going to blast you!" 9. "I never liked that TARDIS, anyway." 8. "That's not REALLY a question mark!" 7. "My real name? Fred." 6. "This is Captain Who of the starship Enterprise." 5. "Adric, I decided I just HAD to break the laws of time and save you." 4. "Elementary, My dear Watson..." 3. "You know, it really is a wonderful life." 2. "Not who, what!" 1. "Nudge, nudge, wink, wink, etc..."
TOP TEN RUMORS ABOUT THE NEW SERIES: 10. Ben Kingsley to play the Doctor 9. Davros will have two hands 8. Tom Baker will make no guest appearances 7. Police Box shape will be no more -- replaced by giant doughnut 6. Daleks yell "annihilate!" not "Exterminate!" 5. Similarly, Cybermen now say "Perfect!" 4. New companion to be armed to the teeth 3. Doctor's college nickname now in Hebrew instead of Greek 2. New theme music to be a waltz 1. Cancelled!
TOP TEN REASONS WHY THE DOCTOR HAS NEVER VISITED EARTH: 10. Annoying fans who continuously ask to get rides in the TARDIS 9. Too many wars 8. Damn humans took it over from the nice Silurians 7. Would walk into Police Box by mistake 6. Might pick up annoying companion who always screams 5. Wrong gender (Oops, sorry, that's a Top Ten Reason Why the Doctor Never Gives Birth) 4. Too many people like the Daleks 3. New Jersey 2. Two words: Bad dancing 1. Major mistake by author -- he has!
TOP TEN WAYS TO KILL MEL: 10. Scream her to death 9. In a bubble 8. Blow up Glitz's ship 7. The TARDIS "Ejection Seat" 6. Leave her on a planet -- with no atmosphere! 5. Three words: Daleks, Daleks, Daleks! 4. The heating expenses. (Sorry, that's a Top Ten way to Bill Hell) 3. Force her to marry Dave Yadallee 2. Replace her carrot juice with vodka 1. Cancel Dr. Who
THE TOP TEN REJECTED FORMATIONS FOR THE SONTARON BATTLE FLEET: 10. Doughnut-shaped 9. Spelling out "Sontarons suck!" 8. The Number 14 7. Rectangular 6. Sinusoidal 5. A Giant foot 4. A slightly different body part to remain unmentioned 3. Ruton-shaped 2. Stellate Dodecahedron-shaped 1. Arrow-feather shaped

TOP TEN REASONS TO WRITE A LETTER TO AMBLIN ASKING FOR SOPHIE ALDRED'S RETURN: 10. Would torment Kate Orman -- "Set Piece" would be less Cannon (possibly) 9. Two Words: Baywatch Gal 8. New Companion rumored to be named "Deuce" 7. The Pen is, after all, mightier than the Nitro-9 6. Do you trust FOX to pick a companion? 5. It would annoy Dave Yadalee 4. Without new episodes, nothing better to do with your time 3. Might ask Bonnie Langford back instead 2. Too many doughnuts already! 1. Ace, no; Doctor, yes!

TOP TEN THINGS OVERHEARD AT THE MASTER'S TRIAL ON GALLIFREY: 10. "When will we get some competent guards!" 9. "Oh no, not again." 8. "Last time I saw the Master, he looked a lot less like a Dalek." 7. "It's a Tissue wha..." 6. "Who would have thought his TARDIS would be disguised as the Lord President" 5. "Yes, I agree -- we should summon the Doctor to be in charge of his defense, the Doctor must be good -- he has gotten himself off many times." 4. "Hey, where did he get THAT!" 3. "Someone's been playing around with the Matrix again. Seems like ANYONE can get in there nowadays." 2. "Didn't we pardon him during that damn Borusa incident?" 1. "Ow."

TOP TEN COOL THINGS ABOUT THE PETER CUSHING MOVIES: 10. Not labored with complication of figuring out complex plot 9. Relief of knowing what happens next 8. Daleks look better than in the TV show 7. Original scripts 6. Doctor has TWO daughters 5. Not made in US 4. Funny, funny, funny! 3. Still better than the best Star Trek movie 2. Made in the 60s 1. Still exist in the BBC archives

TOP TEN REASONS WHY REC.ARTS.DRWHO CELEBRATES THE RETURN OF YADALLEE: 10. I'm no longer the worst speller in the newsgroup. 9. Laughter needed with the dim looking future of Doctor Who. 8. Rumour the he will play the Doctor's father in the new Amblin production means that there will finally be a Dr. Who actor on Rec.arts.drwho. 7. AOL no longer has the worst posters on the net. 6. Two Words: More Mel. 5. Rec.arts.drwho needed a French nationalist. 4. Delays the hated "Top Ten Ice Warrior Showtunes" another week. 3. It was only a matter of... Time. 2. Rec.arts.drwho was no fun without its mascot. 1. Just because!

TOP TEN REJECTED NICKNAMES FOR ROMANADVORATRELUNDAR 10. Vory 9. Rome 8. Romanadvoratrelund 7. Romanadvoratrelundartumoradegradwatorgomon 6. Lundar, Lord of the Visigoths 5. Mana 4. Madaline 3. The Grand Pony tail 2. Tre 1. Dave

TOP TEN REJECTED DR. WHO QUOTE CONTEST QUOTES 10. "EX-TERM-I-NATE!!" 9. "Excellent!" 8. "Lord Nimon, 'tis I, Soolllddeeeed!" 7. "Oh, my giddy aunt!" 6. "I'll Reverse the polarity of the neutron flow." 5. "You will obey me!" 4. "Now I'll never know if I was right . . . " 3. "Who?" 2. "Hmph!" 1. "Would you care for a _____-____?"

TOP TEN SILURIAN PET-PEEVES 10. People who confuse them with Cylons 9. Having their entire race killed off 8. Having their entire race killed off a second time 7. Other races getting their Showtunes on Top Ten lists 6. Ragweed (Oops, that's on the Ten Worst Cylon.. er. Silurian Pet-Peeve List) 5. Bad Monty Python skits 4. Medical Personel who break their promises 3. When the Sea Devils brag about owning 80% of the Earth's surface 2. When their favorite cave is over-run by bats 1. Daleks have "EXTERMINTE," CyberMen have "Excellent," we have "But we've lived on the Earth longer."

TOP TEN THINGS OVERHEARD AT VISIONS '94: 10. "Hey, what's Yads doing with the other guy?" 9. "Good thing that joker stopped doing Top Ten lists!" 8. "Oh, yes, I saw your post on rec.arts.drwho, you're an idiot!" 7. "Doctor Who? I thought this was a Doctor WHAT convention!" 6. "AAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!" (Oops, sorry, Bonnie Langford wasn't at Visions this year.) 5. "What do you mean Adric died?!? He was my FAVORITE!" 4. "EXTERMINATE! Wow! Nice Dalek costu... ughh.." 3. "Hey, let's all go crash over at Larry's place." 2. "Who are you? Exactly!" 1. "ME? Not allowed?!? I'm allowed EVERYWHERE!"

TOP TEN LITTLE KNOWN ROOMS IN THE TARDIS: 10. The time room 9. The emergency exit 8. The room of rooms 7. The one room 6. The coat room 5. The pink room 4. Adric's room 3. The sixth alternate console room to be used only on alternate tuesdays 2. The mail room 1. Earth

TOP TEN REASONS FOR PBS STATIONS TO START SHOWING DOCTOR WHO AGAIN: 10. Keeper of PBS stations that show Dr. Who FAQ low on work 9. What else follows Nature naturally? 8. In order to show 30 minutes of CyberLeader saying "Excellent!" 7. Will add to splendor of FOX show, and reduce PBS viewing (Oh, wait, that's a reason NOT to...) 6. It will give Sophie Aldred something to do (appear on fundraising drives) 5. Moves Jack Horkheimer back another two hours 4. May now have larger audience -- new generation of viewers since it was last shown 3. Will allow a lot of us to get more stories on tape before it is cancelled again 2. Will add merit to BBC's claim that the show is only on "hiatus" 1. If it doesn't, it will be EXTERMINATED!

TOP TEN REASONS FOX DUMPED THE PILOT: 10. Fox Executives heard Yadallee was to be involved with the production. 9. New series lack the important support from Bidmead. 8. #drwho was taken over. 7. BBC executives got roaring drunk and called the President of Fox a "Sontaran Slob." 6. Someone read the wrong Dark Scroll of Rassilon. 5. To make sure I couldn't do a "Top Ten Things Wrong With the New Pilot" list. 4. Wouldn't you cancel a show with a "CyberDOG"? 3. Thought that the last three episodes of the story sucked. (Sorry, that's a "Top Ten Reason Why the BBC Nearly Dumped the Pilot") 2. Because time and tide melts the snowman. 1. Amblin didn't like "Dr. Who 90210."

TOP TEN SURPRISES FROM "THE DEADLY ASSASSIN": 10. Eye of Harmony is really an eye 9. Master really only on 3rd regeneration 8. Matrix is really a linear map 7. Prydonians? Never went to college 6. Time Lords never forgave the Doctor for "The War Games" 5. What the camera man was REALLY doing inside the camera 4. There was no assassin 3. Goth was the corrupt member of the council 2. Gallifreyian guards were only pretending to be incompetent 1. Peter Pratt died before the filming had even started

TOP TEN LITTLE KNOWN FACTS ABOUT ROMULUS AND REMUS: 10. The Doctor accidentally dropped them off on Earth 9. Were really hired by the Cryons 8. Originally to be named Adric and Varsh 7. Close friends with David Yadallee 6. "Twin Dilemma" was a historical story 5. Originally were planned to be in Banishment of the Daleks, but we written out at the last moment 4. Used to be triplets 3. Were actually the children of Colin Baker 2. No mathematical abilities whatsoever 1. Are going to star in the new Dr. Who

TOP TEN RUMORS TO DRIVE THE LOFFICIERS MAD: 10. Fig Newtons to replace Jelly Babies 9. Daleks to be called "Cybermen" ; Cybermen to be called "Daleks" 8. Doctor to be a druid 7. TARDIS to take form of probe from "The Creature from the Pit" 6. Special.K.Club to form advisory committee 5. Planets to be named after posters on r.a.dw 4. Benny to be played by Eric Idle 3. Doctor to be French 2. No more companions 1. CyberDOG to replace K9

THE LOFFICIER'S OWN TOP TEN RUMORS THAT WILL DRIVE THEM MAD: 10. David Hasselof to play the Doctor (in German). 9. Daleks to be voiced by Charlie Fleischer (Roger Rabbit). 8. Theme song to be recorded by Lawrence Welk with all accordian band. 7. Eric Idle to play K9. 6. Casper the friendly ghost to be companion. 5. Yads to write pilot script. 4. Eric Idle to play the Myrka. 3. Drew Barrymore to play Susan (woof! woof!) 2. TARDIS' food dispenser to serve Big Macs. 1. Eric Idle to play the DOCTOR.

TOP TEN REASONS HALIBUT IS LEAVING REC.ARTS.DRWHO: 10. Had to hunt down and kill Yads and Deel 9. Not allowed to be on rec.arts.drwho while playing the new Doctor 8. Special.K.Club agreement won't let him stay 7. Quote file was just too much for him 6. Wishes became fishes 5. Now in charge of the Land of Fiction 4. New job? "Looooorrrrrddd Niiiiimoonnn, 'tis IIII, Hallliibbuutt." 3. Really just practicing his trolling techniques 2. Off to invent new Cyber Technologies for the Cybermen 1. Avoid these Top Ten Lists

TOP TEN REASONS FOR HALIBUT'S RETURN: 10. Sentence repealed by Special.K.Club. 9. Found his keyboard. 8. Originally hypnotized by the Master; shook off the hypnosis. 7. Heard rumors of more NA authors joining Special.K. 6. Rejected for a part in "The Sea Devils." 5. Couldn't live without the wisdom of Segonax 4. New job! "Looooorrrrrddd Niiiiimoonnn, 'tis IIII, Hallliibbuutt." 3. Couldn't live without the speelling of Yads. 2. He just missed us all too much. 1. Saw what that joker Heer did to the quote file!

TOP TEN THINGS OVERHEARD FROM PAUL MCGANN: 10. "I signed up to play WHO?!??" 9. "Is this going to be anything like Alien^3?" 8. "Well, if I don't like it, I'll just get one of my brothers to take over." 7. "Oh, hey, I'll get a free trip to Chicago in November? I'm in!" 6. "Is this in connection to the Lumiere production?" 5. "David Hasellhoff is playing the Master? I quit!" 4. "Well, I thought I'd play a Doctor reminiscent of Colin Baker's." 3. "Susan, Susan, I've come back!" 2. "Well, after Eric said no, they called me..." 1. "Nya-nya-nya-nya-nya!"