Doctor Who Computer Viruses

Original author ????

posted on rec.arts.drwho by Pat Wigfull

* Crossposted from: Star Trek/Babylon Five Humor & Filks

TOP TEN VIRUSES THAT AFFECT COMPUTERS ON DR. WHO:

10. The "Adric" Virus:

Only present if computer has a math co-processor. Appears when computer is used to do advanced calculations. Whines a lot. Similar to both the "Wesley" and the "Perpugilliam Brown" viruses (which see). Can be removed from the system should the computer ever "crash".

9. The "Perpugilliam Brown (Peri)" Virus:

Makes computer whine through speaker or sound card about how it doesn't want to do anything, that application is too dangerous, and so on. Can be stopped temporarily by running Windows '95 and waiting for system to "choke up," but a permanent cure can only be accomplished by removing the CPU and "transplanting" it to another "alien" computer.

8. The "Melanie Bush" virus:

produces continuous shrieking sounds through speaker, and urges user to exercise. Can be cured by spilling carrot juice over keyboard, or by giving the virus to someone else on the pretext of having the virus keep the victim "honest."

7. The "Ace" virus:

If angered, your computer blows up! However, since it also protects the computer form any other viruses, many users have decided to keep it around. Cure: shatter the virus' faith in the user, and it will go away, but see recommendation.

6. The "Dalek" Virus:

Exterminates your hard drive. Cure: Introduce the "Thal" virus: the two will cancel each other out leaving the system free of both Daleks and Thals.

5. The "Cyberman" virus:

Similar to the Borg virus, it is extremely logical and converts al your data into copies of itself. Cure: blow gold dust into computer through air vents.

4. The "Doctor" virus:

comes in 7 or 8 variations, al different, some more irritating than others. See notes on the Ace virus. Cure: call the BBC for their special "anti-Doctor" virus cleaner called Michael Grade.

3. The "TARDIS" virus:

appears deceptively small at first glance, but rapidly expands to become larger than your entire hard drive, *no matter how many "gigaquads" you may have.* Has been known to revive a destroyed copy of the "Doctor" virus. Cure: Run "Time Ram" virus cleaner.

2. The "Sontaran" virus:

clones itself all over the place. Cure: get a copy of the Rutan virus (see Daleks and Thals above, or run either the "Demat Gun" or "Probic-Vent" virus cleaners.

AND THE NUMBER ONE VIRUS AFFECTING COMPUTERS ON DOCTOR WHO IS...

1. The dreaded "BBC" virus:

removes all data from your system, them claims your data is merely on "hiatus." It is unknown at this time whether the BBC will ever willingly restore your data to you. Rumor has it that if this ever occurs, your data will be in a new and possibly strange, unrecognizable format. No known cure exists for the BBC virus, with the possible exception of the "Amblin" cleaner program, although this may have a similar effect on your programs.